A QATHEB1SB OF SOTED MEX.
i. I saw the remains of Dr. Samuel
n.good borne up the aisleof St. Thomas'
-hnrch the other morning, amid a state
Ifv procession of robed ecclesiastics,
11 mind went back to a scene, between
twenty five and thirty years ago, in which
L took a memorable part.
The friends of James Fenmmore
rnner availed themselves of the pros
22 of Daniel Webster in New York, to
rive special interest to a public meeting
E commemoration of him with a view to
the erection of a monument to his mera-
Washington Irving was to preside,
ml William Cullen Bryant wastode
liter the address. Daniel Webster was
lo he present, and all the literati of
America, far and near, were to occnpy
the stage of what was then known as
Triploi afterward Metropolitan Hall, in
Broadway- The building was capacious
enough to hold a vast multitudo, and
though a price foradmission was charged,
its floors and galleries were filled to over
flowing. The audience itself was repre
sentative of the culture and refinement
of the city. A more brilliant assemblage
has seldom been seen. I wos young
enough for the spectacle and occasion to ,
make a great impression on me.
The stage remained empty for some
time after the house was full, when the
folding doors in the rear suddenly open
ed and in the vista of the illuminated
room behind, we caught sight of the
throng of distinguished men who then
filled the public eye the venerable con
temporaries of Cooper and the rising
reputations of our owniime.
But conspicuous above them all, in
physical presence alone, was Mr. Web
ster. Ho stood among the foremost,
dressed in his favorite costume on great
occasions, like the Whig or Continental
uniform blue dress coat, with bright
rilt buttons, and a long buff waistcoat
reaching several inches below the waist
band. It was the year before his death,
and ho had been very ill. The effort had
been a great one which he had made to
be present now. Anyone who remem
bers his stupendous appearance when in
health ond vigor, as I could when a boy,
with his dark complexion, block hair, and
largo glowing black eyes, under the
shelf of that Olympian brow the aston
ishment and delight of phrenologists
will easily conceive how he looked then,
when ashy pale, his hair scanty and iron
gray, yet his figure erect and command
ing as ever; and, though moving slowly
and feebly to his place, bearing himsels
in that thrown-bock characteristic way in
which all New Yorkers are now .accus
tomed to see him in bronze on his pedes
tal in Central Park. Under the blazo of
the gaslight his massive faco took a gran
ite look, the material of his own native
hills. I had seen him often, close by,
and had talked to him when in my teens,
but the impression he made at this mo
ment was the grandest I ever received,
and, doubtless, it was aided by the de
signed dramatic accessories of the spec
tacle. 1 never yet beheld his equal for
personal presence. I believe it was once
said of him that "no man ever was so
wise as Webster looked." He was only
five feet ten inches in bight, but his
breadth of chest, tremendous head, and
magnificent bearing, uiado him appear
gigantio amid the crowd that then sur
rounded him. Ho was seated in the mid
dle of the sofa, at the front of the stage,
with Bryant close behind him on his
right, and Irving on his left.
The faco and figure of Bryant, so re
cently conspicuous among us for his
patriarchal beard and picturesque head,
looked almost insignificant under the
shadow of the colossal statesman, and
Irving looked no better. Bryant, Bmall,
thin-laced, and closely shaven at that
time, serious, cold and stiff in manner,
hardly gave promise of what long years
of conscious publio veneration and the
hoary crown of glory did afterward to
make him, both in personal appearance
and benignity of aspect, to this genera
tion. Irving, kindly-faced always, plain,
gentle, unassuming, whose chestnut wig
and florid face denied his age, arose and
came forward to speak. His earliest
friends had called him the "spectator,"
because tho presence of auditors always
struck him dumb. But the assemblage
did not appear to know it, and the hush
was somotimes awful to those who did.
He opened his mouth, and, with a hoarso
gasp, said something about public
speaking "not being among his gifts,"
and with a nervous twist in his dear old
countenance, added something more
about "Daniel Webster," and shrunk
back into his corner of the sofa.
When Mr. Webster arose there was a
tamnpst. Tha applause rolled toward
liim in vnlnma after volume. If his
demigod presence could not magnetize
the common mob, it could and did ex
cite this multitude into a demonstration
of shouting, stamping and waving of hats
ami lmn.Uurnliif.fx lnnc-continued and
oft-reiterated, which must have been as
astonishing to hini as it was growyiug.
He spoke only two or three minutes, or
about a dozen or twenty lines of a news
paper column, in his characteristic way,
evidently forming each sentence com
' nlotn luifnrn alnu-lr iittorinc it: his pro
nunciation old-fashioned, with a savor of
Jew England; his voice, ratner weas uv
first riiinir nnnA nr twiefl into that
volume, and those tones like low, rolling
thunder, which had made bom nis con
versation and oratory so impressive m
Ilia nrima
Bryant then took his place at the desk
and read his eulogy upon uiu
tinvpliut After ha had concluded, the
general shaking began. Toward the
close oi the evening vt.
called out. I have tha impression, not
only from what he has since told me,
but from something that occurred at the
timo that i.w sonL-inr at all was an ac-
cident. At any rate, the sense in the
audience that he was utterly unprei":u
gave hira the opportunity to take them,
as he did, by surprise. The lapse of a
quarter of a century has given him, too,
quite another look to those who oulv
lui v.,,,., At that time, though
nearly forty, he was very youthful lork-
mg; he did not wear me Br.ii
which Lit.-lv almost covered his face, and
l.ij ....ll.f..l. hair pnntrosted VlVWllT
vuni-uiuia u -
with a complexion white as marble. li
features were regular and almost run-
i. 1 :,.U Vila fall
lanically severe a 1001 wniu u. ,
white cravat did not lessen.
w; ..i, mii in three trreat out
UU DLTOOU V .. ... u ... o
bursts, under the effect of which, each
time, be seemed to reel ca u iu.-u- "
r!o.-t ,.;.. I him OUt of Uim
ir tv,. ha lpaned forward,
effort had made 'it ache. It may have
been his fashion of collecting his
thoughts. At any rate, what ,he did
say, and the way he said it in a voice
whose orotund tones and scholarly
enunciation filled the building to the
brim overy word evidently impromptu
and spontaneous, created the most aston
ishing excitement, and three times the
return came to him in salvos that seemed
only equalled by those which had greeted
Mr. Webster. One of those outbursts
was over Cooper, of course. Webster,
fatigued, had almost slept through the
evening, being repeatedly aroused by
Mr. Harvey behind him. But he needed
no awakening now. He irradually
aroused himself, started into unwonted
attention by Dr. Osgood's eloquence,
and, when the burst closed, it found him
leaning forward at his full height he
sat very high with his granite face
turned upw ard to tho sjeaker, as if rapt
and astonished like the rest of us, at
what he had heard. Ho. too. joined in
the applause, striking his white-gloved
hands together with hearty dolight. But
his hands went modestly before his own
face at the next instant, for the suc
ceeding burst was about himself, and
the thundering scene was renewed ten
fold. He and Irvine; and Bryant havo gone,
Few, if any, remain who occupied that
platform; and now the bright, public
spirited, scholarly, eloquent Osgood will
also be seen no more.
Re Had Education.
"Oan'n." said a colored man. entering
the oliico of a school examiner whose
skin was so block that to see him you
vnnlil tliinlr ha hail anpnt hi liffl in
boiling crows for dissatisfied politicians.
"Uap n, repeated me visitor, nguuy
tapping on the door facing.
"Wall, sail, what is hit!
"Ise called roun' to bo 'zammoned.
Ise a 'Jessional teochor."
"Did von know dot hits a mitrhtv hot
cross fire to stan' under de batteries ob
my knowlodgc?
"Yes, cap'n," said the applicant, "an'
rutin' rirnnil nh mv Vnmnoniments I hoz
sought you sted ob goin' to de onedu-
cateu wiiiie lessor.
"Ynr nrtinn is 1ut ob a wise man. an'
fur sich wisdom I zibited in do very bud
ob de edycation rose, cm, i se now ry;
I 'struct my secretary tor mark yer one
on do sheepskin stiiikit ob knowledge.
Dis am figurative. We'6e out of sheop-
Bkins, an' in der place hab substituted
pnnn-a Una tjinnnd bv an Arkinsaw
darky, an' ketched by the justice ob de
peace. Vo hit strike yer in me siomouu
ob recognitions?
"las Cap n.
Wdll now tor da 'zamination. Secre
tary, git down dat brass pen wid a dog
wnrwl hnhler fin fpteh hit heah. fur I. in
de cordance wid do new groun' ob knowl
... .i i- i
edgo whar de Driars am mica au wuur
dar's many a toe-nail lyin' mung do
errubs. Fow fer do first. Does yer un-
derstau' gogafy?"
"Oil yas sah, dat s my noii.
"WW. rlnAs ver know ob common
grammer? Keep "yer monf open fur I'se
Ul cuuilduvuiu uv,
teeth of yer larnin."
"1 eats up grammer nae a man uuu im
"What about de science oi puieuu-
tomy?"
"I walks all over dat ere science on
stilts."
"What does you know about meta-
Pby8i(!8?" ... , , x,..i
"Do veiy quill ou my ueu uui iiukuku
wid hit."
"AriMtpr Smtreiarv." said the examiner,
turning to that functionary, "gin dis
man a double stihkit. iiecommeuu mm
ter do people ez de ablest man ihezzam
inaA vanh. Unr'a ver DaDers. sah; an'
remember dat de cloud ob edycation am
. .1-1. -1. ,'nl. n
n i.innfr nnu a man ihll biiuwb diuii a
I. Ll(v;A - ,
,..n;i.'aritv will Hcinnnn ftz vou dos 13
boun' one day ter put his foot on a white
man s shoulder, reacn up au uui u--gown
ob superiority from de peg in do
wardrobe of life's competition. Let's see,
five dollars fur de single dorsement,
an five dollars an' a half fur de(douDio
,iiint i Hm in v ton dollars.
The money was cheerfully paid and
the man with his blotted coon-skin wont
out into tho world to engage in uio
tournament of letters. Little Uock (AfK
Gazette.
Ax Episode of thk New Yoiik Diuft
Biots. A correspondent of tho Utica
llemltl reportu ex-Governor Hoffman as
Baying tuat ono aay ueiu- wju uiuou
ber when a strange man entered, unanj
nounccd. and unceremoniously
himself. In a moment he extended his
hand, in the palm of .which lay a some
what battered musket-ball. "Governor,
said he, "that musket-ball killed my
1. 11. . ;n tl.n otrnta nf KpW Yol'k. It
LllUbliCI I" ii i. . . . .
was fired by ono of the militia, who were
acting by virtue of your orders. I re
tarded yon as my brother's murderer,
and over nis ueau uojr u'0 " -.i.
i tt-Q tha Ramn bullet that killed
l.im and with it kill you. I have many
started to make (rood my vow, but
,lnfrrAi1 it. For certain rea-
CUU Kaw ww---
sons I have made up my mind to let you
i - l ..i T trnn tn know that VOU
owe your life to me and continue to live
entirely by my sufforance." The man
then quietly arose, picked up his hat,
and unconcernedly walked away. The
-i - ,;i trritar anvH. admitted that
the episode startled him; but when asked
by a prominent Democratic politician
what he would do again in an emergency
similar to that of July, 1871, he promptly
replied, "I would do precisely as I did
before.
HiBiT. There was once a horse that
was nt.l to pull around a sweep which
i:..i ..:- (rnm tnn ilpnths of the earth.
111WU 1111 V .1 V." 1
He was kept at the business for nearly
1 . -1 , 1 -1.1 1. 1 i n , 1
twenty years, unm uo uccawo um, inu.
i .; in tha inintft to be of fur-
UIIU luu Diaii I . -
no Kn ho was turned into a pas-
tore and left to crop the grass, without
any one to disturb or bother him. But
.1.: ....- th.'nrr ahnnt tha horse was that
luoiuuuj ui.ub-; ; ... ,
every morning, after grazing awhile, he
WOUIU BlaTli OU limmy, (.6
: i ; 1, ha hail hoen accustomed
to do for so many years. He would keep
it np for hours, and people often stopped
to look and wonder at what had got into
tho Tenerable ftDimal to
inch a solemn
UIHllUII , , ,
way when there was no earthly need ol
-i TJ ; w.. 4ha tnrrn of tlftbit. tind
the boy who forms bad or good habita in
bis youth, will be led by them when he
becomes old, and will be miserable or
Dandles,
Dandies, like saints, aro never much
beloved by thoir fsllow-creatures. Like
saints, they have an ideal perfection of
manner and dress, and ideals are felt to
be impertinent. To be a dandy is to out
rage the vanity of every one wno has not
tho energy to bo wakefully attentive to
details of deportment and costume. The
Ceat dandies of old days, Brumraoll,
mzun and the rest were everywhere
welcomed, because they made themselves
disagreeable to so many pooplo. This is
a kind of popularity w hich is acquired
by an attitude provokingly unpopular.
Men and women aro attracted by the
courage which despises and disregards
their feelings. Peoplo whose minute
perceptions and sense of their own merit
make thorn detested, become notorious,
and, consequently, aro sought after. A
sage might say to aspiring boyhood:
"Young man, be a puppy." In this re
spect, as in others more important, the
prizes of the world are to bo impudent.
Society truckles to peoplo wlo can con
sistently display their conscious supe
riority. The very magnitudo of their
insolence and the calmness of their
importunity excites curiosity and wel
come analysis. Peoplo are anxious to
udge lor themselves as to whether a
conspicidusly conceited fellow is is
earnest and a supreme fool, or whether
ho is quietly playing a part. Thus the
eccentricity of imperturbable vanity,
vanity which declares itsell in pecu
liarity of dress and manners, is rathor a
good introduction to society. A famous
ivinc statesman was rcmai'Kauie lor ins
canes and waistcoats even boforo ho was
admired or feared for his wit or elo
quence. Dandyism was to him a stepping-stone,
as it usually is to young
people of high ambition and real strength
of character. They learn very early in
life that to be remarked is the first thing
necessary for success, and social success
is of course, more readily attained
than literary or political notoriety,
and may lead on to thoso higher
prices. It would probably be a mistake to
Biippose that "the higher dandyism" is
entirely a matter of calculation. Tho
most distinguished dandies in tho his
tory of society have been men of groat
power and ambition disguised as fops.
They have thus disguised themsolves
not only becanso the distinction gained
by impertinent perfection of dress was
necessary to their projects, but because
they could not do anything by halves,
and because they were supremely vain.
Vanity, a quality much decried, is re
ally necessary for some sort of suocoss.
Without vanity there could scarcoly be
any ambitiou. in tho evolution oi
character vanity first declares itself in
the child and the savago, and clings
to many generals, statesmen and divines.
The gigantio tailor's and jeweller's bills
of a son do not usually make a parent's
heart Bing for joy; but those bills may,
in raro cases, be more full of promise
and encouragement than any numbor of
medals and flrst-classos. it is diinouit,
however, to got parents and guardians to
take this hopeful view, and the young
genius for dandyism, like genius for tho
other arts, is too often persecuted by in
dignant and terrified relations.
A youug man is nover more certain of
social success than at the moment when
most other young never mention him
without saying that they "would like to
kick him." As Thackeray observed in
the case of Tendenuis, that desire is the
result of envy, and of conscious huniil-
itv awakened in manly bosoms. 10 pro
voke peoplo so much is a token of supe
riority, and a prizo of nonchalance. Nor
is it social dandyism alone which thus
irritates the rabble of decent fellows who
have neither the vanity, nor tho impu
dence, nor tho strength of resolution to
win distinction. Literary dandyism is
also excessively annoying to tho rugged
hodmen of letters, the rapid picturesque
writers, tho half or quarter-educated
persons who crowd tho press, and carry
their larrago oi lu-assorieu ousur
vations .to an uncritical public.
Theso industrious persons dotest the
literary dandy, tho man who
minds his periods, and rogards the
cadence of his sentences, and shuns stock
illustiations and old quotations, as the
social dandy avoids dirty gloves and
clumsy boots. They howl at him as tho
little humorous street boys unuy some
small Etonian with a tall hut and a broad
white collar, who has lost himself in
Seven Dials. This antagonism naturally
breeds more excess in literary dandyism,
till the prose of somo critics is as full of
musk or milllleurs as the handkerchief
popular preacher. Both parties a
hardened in their ways; tho rough-onj
ready pressman bocouics careless evon
grammar, and trots out nis quoiauo
from Maeauley's essays more vigorout!
than of old. Tho prose or the cxquis,
begins to dio away in aromatic nonsenj
and his great genius tires itself to dm .
in the nunung ior rure uiuuu uuj'-uw -. ,
There have been schools of literary
dandyism, there have been literary dan
dies, more robust than those of o'ir
time. Where wo can bIiow nothing
much better (if Mr. Arnold belongs to
an earlier generation) than Mr. Dowden
and Mr. Pater, the great literary agea
can boast of Plato, Catullus, Konsard,
Pascal, Horace Walpole, Sir Philip bid
ney nay, ono might add, Buffon and
Machiavelli. The two last named may
bo recognized as literary dandies, be
cause they resisted the mere details of
their literary labor. They were not of
the sect that swears by tattered old slip
pers that toast at the tire, and ragged old
jackets perfumed with cigars. They ar
rayed themselves in fine linen, if not in
purple, before they sat down to describe
the animal kingdom or give rules for the
conduct of the Prince. The other
writers, whose names we have taken very
much at random from a crowd of the
greatest authors, were dandies in stylo,
exquisites in literary manners, precisions
who turned away from what was com
monplace in thought. They lived among
slipshop writers, or in ages when all the
world scribbled, or in times when style
was disregarded, or not invented, .and
ther set themselves to seek after grace
and distinction. London Saturday lie-
view.
A female correspondent ot a religious
newspaper at Canandaigua, N. Y. visited
Courtnev. the oarsman, recently, and
nrred him to pray night and Jay without
ppjuunz. as an aid to winning the boat
race.
If vou are a lover don't love two girla
at once. Love is a good thing, but it it
like butter it won t do to Lave too niuoh
i on band at one time.
now au Ohio Girl Became a Dentist.
The number of new occupations in
which women are finding or making
thoir way, is almost phenomenal to the
dovotees of the old regimo, who cannot
conceive of a woman's holding auy
stronger implement than a noedlo.
It is reserved for an Ohio girl to take a
loading rolo in a profession that is com
paratively a new one for women des
tistry. For somo weeks the passers-by on
Seventh streot have observed ou the
block opposite Shillito'sa sign that read,
"Adelia lliley, Dentist." Drifting in to
see Miss Riley, one finds a pleasant,
graceful young lady, with a story to tell
you about the way she becamo a dentist.
Miss Kiley is from Hamilton, Ohio,
where she first studied her profession
under Dr. Howolls, the father of Dr.
May Howolls, of this city. The family
of the Uowells are all somewhat marked
for invincible onorgy of purpose. In W.
H. Howolls, of the Atlantic Monthly,
this energy became the motive power of
literary work. In Dr. Howells, of Ham
ilton, and his daughter, Miss May , ono of
the lady physicians here, it has impelled
into professional life. Two other cous
ins, Misses Emma and Corinno Howells,
are teachers in tho public schools of St.
Louis, and very superior teachers theso
young ladies are. After finishing a
school cotirso, Miss lliloy went to her
homo in Hamilton, and, like Clara Yere
do Yere, folt timo hang heavily on her
hands. There was absolutely nothiug
for her that was worth doing.
"I think it is the worst thing in tho
world for a girl to have nothing to do,"
remarked Miss Kiley, "and I began to
grow uneasy over it. Aud entortainiug
as this may be, the young lady found
she could hardly umk'o it a serious busi
ness of life.
One day her father asked her if she
would not liko to study dentistry. She
caught at the idea eagerly.
"1 went into it with all niauner of en
thusiasm," said Miss lliley, and I think
it is a beautiful work."
One could not but think of horriblo
clamps and instruments of torture, but
evidently these hud no part in the young
huly's visions. After studying at Hamil
ton under Dr. Howells, bIio came to tho
Ohio Dental Collogo, on Collego street,
and took tho com so, setting herself up
as a professional dentist only lost month.
Tho pleasant parlor, with its bay-window,
its book-cose, writing-tablo and
easy chairs, is more suggestive of n
lady s room than of an oihco, savo lor the
great dental chair that tells its own story.
"Do you find that you havo tho
strength' to pull tooth?" was inquired.
"les, it necessary, Biie rcpuod, out
really it is very seldom that it is neces
sary.' Dental scienco hns discovered so
many ways that aro bettor, aud we re
store the imporfect tooth rathor than ex
tract it."
Miss Riley spoko with appreciation of
the kindness of experienced dentists who
are located in that vicinity, to her, and
that in any case of indecision or of un
usual intricacy sho could turn to thorn
for any oounsel or aid.
Next year Miss Riley intends to enter
upon a thorough medical conrso, not
with a view of relinquishing dentistry as
a profession, but of perfecting it. She
believes the cenoral state of the system
so closely affects all dental operations
that an understanding of it is essential to
tho best success in her chosen pro
fession. in which she is an enthusiast.
It is tho women who quietly go to
work and do thoir work woll, who are
proving tho possibilities of womanly
work. Ono such practical demonstration
is worth a dozen platform lecturers that
grow eloquent over "tho cause. And
yet, looking backward and over tho noble
women of the lecturo field, ono cannot
speak lightly of them. When Miss
Susan B. Anthony was in Chicago, about
to address a larco audience somo timo
ago, Mrs. Sullivan, of tho Chicago
limes, was invited to present MiBS An-
thonv to the audience. JUrs. Hullivan
ropliod that she could not, as she was
not a pronounced beliovor in suffrago.
It was a subject she held in roservo, as
an important one, but regarding which
she hud no fixed convictions. Tho com
mittee said that for that vory reason they
wanted her to introduce Miss Anthony,
to which Mrs. Sullivan replied thut it
would civo her ereut pleasure to do so,
and in tho introductory words sho Boid
that here in Miss Anthony was the
woman whoso brave words and fearlotm
' ' .10
.HO
;e,
ot
to
The Aiun. A1J Europe knows
the
Turk, but who kuows tho Arab? Not
t insn who snciid their winter at uuro
or their spring in Palestine, and who
complain of the endless cry of bacK
Bhecsh, and tho beggarly ways of tho na
tivps: not even those who have peno
trate.1 as far as Bacdud and mixed with
tlie fellaheen of the Tigris. Tho Arabic-
speaking Copt of the Nilo and the Cana
anite of Syria are Arab only in language
anil ar without t 16 political IIISUUCIB hi
lipmnt in tho pure race: the bastard
Iraki Iiom been for centuries a slave
Theso may never be worthy oi tnmr in
ileiiendence. or capable ol a sell-govern
ment of which they have lost the tradl
tinnm but thovare not real Arabians,
and should not be confounded with
them. Tho real Arabian is as proud aud
self-respecting, and as lully entitled uy
his intellectual and moral powers to po
litical freedom, as any free and imle
npr.dent citizen of any country in the
world: far more so than either Bulgarian
nr Roumanian, on whoso rights all fc,u
rope has been called to judgo. It may
nut ln tha dutv of Eneland to free any
race from bondage, but at least let this
one have nothing further to reproach her
with in the history of its enslavement,
FortnnatelT the day of Ottoman tyranny
in Asia is very near ita close, and very
near, too, if I may indulge a hope, is the
complete and lasting freedom of Arabia.
The Fortnightly Review.
An English leader set the advent
hyuin "Christ the Lord is risen to-day
hallelujah !" to the Tyrolese waltz, and a
Bouthern camp-meeting ChrUtian iunjr,
"When I can read my title clear!" to the
minstrel melody "Wait for the wagou and
we'll all take a ride!"
A Poetic Justice.
When von took a socond look at him
you could see a Bort of grimnoss about
Li !.. 1. 1 . II. A ...linluvn.
mm wuicii couviucou you wan "
he undertook to do ho would accomplish
or broak his back in the attempt. Atout
noon yesterday, when the ram fell fast
he appeared on Woodward avenue under
an old umbrella worth about the price of
its ribs. At tho opera house he placed
is old rain-shoddor in the doorway and
took position in anothor not faraway. In
about two minutes along came a citizon
with his left eye watching for just such a
chance, and pounced on that umbrella
witn a chuckle oi tnodoepesisausiiR'uuu.
Ho didn't wait around therefor tho owner
to appear, and ho didn't coro a copier
bother it belongod to a sister oi cnarny
r an over-irrown bondholder. As ho
started off, rejoicing over his good luck,
tho grim man followed. Tho umbrella
hooker had a walk of almut half a milo
to reach his residence, and tho grim man
was olose on his heels all the way. As
the citizen halted at his goto tho other
detained him and quietly remarkod:
I want you to do mo a lavor.
Ah, yes I nover give anything to
tram us.
"I want you to take that umbrolla back
to the doorway from which you stolo it!"
"This umbrolla! why, is this yours
"It is, and you must take it bock."
"Woll, you see, I couldn't do that, but
guess it has boon worth a quarter to
me.
"Will you tako it back?" asked tho
man with tho iron jaw.
Whv.no! What s tho old thing worm,
anyhow?"
Uno hundred donors i
That's a good joke. I'll givo you fifty
cents for it."
"If you don't 'bout faco and tako that
nibrolla back to tho identical doorway,
'11 mon vou into overv puddle of water
between 'this and tho corner, and whon I
let up on you your wife won't bo ablo to
find a button to identify you by I"
Thus quietly remarked tho grim man,
as lie mibottouod his overcoat, display
ing a chest like a base drum. Ho hod
the strength of an, ox, ond thore was an
I-mean-it I looK in each eyo.
"Say, I don't wont any quarrel with
you, observed the ciuzou. i.mjuut
umbrella ami n coupio oi donais.
"No sir 1"
"Say throo."
"No sir I"
"Soy five."
"Tho price." said tho grim man, "will
be 100 straight dollars, and you must
toko tho umbrella back. If 1 stand nero
in tha rain five minutes lonuor I shall
chargo you one dollar per minute."
Tho citizen neadod down town. tio
was too mod to raise tho umbrella, but
carried it under his arm, while tho grim
man kept close behind him. Whon the
doorway had boon reaohod, and the um
brella replaced, tho citizen was about to
turn nwoy, but tho othor placed his hand
on his revolver and said :
"Strangor, you are a good walkor, and
you have poriormen your pun, oi win
contract to my entiro satisfaction. In
future it will be well for you to buy your
umbrella in the regular way, or tako your
walks botwoen showers, ion can now
finish your excursion." tree Vrm.
Nothing Left to Holler On.
An hour or bo after the latest and lost
from Chieasro vesterdoy afternoon, a po
liceman on Randolph streot iioiteu at tue
door of a saloon, and askod the propn
etor how he likod the nomination.
"I doan' care for bolitics auy more,
was the renlv.
"Why. what's the matter. You woro
groatly excited ytmtorday."
"If I vhas, den I vhas a fool. Yhen
dot first pollot vahs doken I sot up dor
poor for do Crant crowd, ior 1 iikos w
sthand vhell mit dor poys."
Yes."
Don a pic crowtd rushes in here und
yells out dot Jim Ploino vahs do coming
man, und 1 naudou out tier cik"",
mein poy vhants a blaoe in der Gustom
House oof Jim Pluino vhas Brosident."
"Yes, I soo." .
"Vl.nll nnotv noon comes mom brud-
dor in und says I vahs a fool, for dot fel
ler Sherman would git all dor votes
putty quoek. I thinks if Shormon gits
ltmoin poy hof a blaco in der postoflice,
sure, und I calls in dor poys und dolls
cm to trina to iuy giuuuuuwj.
"Just BO."
"I fflela coot when I Koos to bedt, but
curly in dor mornings some aldermans
come aronndt here und says: 'Shake,
tont pe a fool. Edmnndts ish dor man
who vhill knock 'em all to piocos.' Und
I opons a fresh keg of lager und dells
pfory pody I vhas an Edmunds man, und
I pet ten dollars ne vos voioa m.
fnmnnnn moin pov vhas for Grant, mein
brudder vhas for Sherman, und I vhas
for Bloino, und vhoro po dose five kegs
nf lacrpr (lot
1 1 hadt dis morningr v nou a
goes homo mein vrow she Baidt I vhas
zwel fools, und locks up dor saloon und
goes to bodt.
"Well, havo you heard who was nomv
natod?"
"Noin."
"Tt una flarfiehl."
"riarfeol? Pv Sheorcol I droats
away seven kegs of lager und two poxos
of cigurs, und it vhas Garfoel I Wheel,
dot ends me oop. If I efer haf some
more to do mit boliticks den I am as
crazy as bodt-bugs. Garfeel I Vhell
ft. .t . m 1 T 1 .1.. T .....a w.t
vhell. VhOt a iooi i vnan um x u
moin beer und make a zure blace for mein
poy mit Garfeel !" ' rrr.
Ue was a bran new office boy, young,
irettv-faced, with golden ringleW arid
liie 'eves. Just such a boy as one would
liiuusine would be taken out of his trun
dle bed in the middle of the night and
tranaported bevond the stars, inenm
dav he ulanci-d over tho library in the
editorial room, he became acquainted
with everybody, knew all the printers,
and went home in the evening as happy
and as cherry a a surolieam. The next
day he appeared, leaned out the back
window, tied the cat up by the tall
in the hallway, had four flijhts with an
other boy, borrowed two dollars from an
occupant of the building, ssying his
mother was dead, collected his two days
pay from the cashier, bit the janitor with
a broomstick, pawned a coat belonging to
a member of the editorial staff, wrench
a.i t h a irnnUa r.ff tha .loom, uimet the ice-
cooler, pied three galleys of type, and
m.iha. him fincrpr in a small prerS. On
tl, third dav a note was received saying:
"Mi Mother do not want I to work in
..M. a rlull ulace. She says I would
make a good Minister, so do I, my fin
ger is Better; gone fishin. Yours."
Ho Diploma.
In Shoflleld a well-known witch-doctor
was rocontly broucht up before the Coro
nor to explain how ho treated o pationt
who had died under his hands. The
doctor was of middle staturo. with ruddy
faco ond hands, closely-shaven drab
hair, and a common-placo look. He folt
quite at his case, and the following
diidoguo onsuod:
"w hot is your name?
"My name is Mr. Brearly."
"Your namo is not Mister, is it?"
"Yes, it is. Mister John Brearly ia
my namo."
"Who ore you ?"
"A doctor."
"To whot college do you l elong?"
"To no collego."
"What trade wero you broughtupto?"
"I have doctored eight-and-twenty
years and was brought np to nothing
olso."
"What did you do to the deceased?
"I put my hand on his breast, and
told him his "chest was full of water aud
his heart was in tho wrong place. I gave
him a small bottle to toko, and a box ol
pills."
"What did the bottle contain ?"
"Nothing but oil of junipor. The pills
woro anti-bilious."
"What wero they composed of ?"
"I don't exactly know what the anti
bilious is made of. I buy 'em of Doctor
Gowarth."
.a i
"low say tho deeeasod nod water on
the chest; what did you do to him ?
"I put a Plaster on his breast, and
tolled liiin to keep it on."
"Did vou think that his lungs were
affoctod i"
"Yes, and drownod with water."
"We shall have the man opened, and
seo if you placed his heort in tho right
place.'
"Woll, if his heort has gone bock out
of itsplaco, its nothing to mo. I told
him to bo gentle witu it. i hove a thou
sand patients, aud they bido a good deal
of looking after. I don't charge any
thing for fee, ouly for modicine some
times (id., Is. Od., and half-crown,
according to what they want."
"I understand you were thrown out of
your gig lost night. Were you much
lmrt?,r
"Oh, no, only hod three ribs broken.
I set mi myself this morning ond plas
tered them "up. I onco fell down three
stories and hud my shoulder broken, and
I set that myself.'
The learned doctor made his cross at
tho examination, not being ablo to write,
when the inquost adjourned for a post
mortem examination. It is singular that
in a country having such stringout laws
Buch au ignorant quack should bo per
mitted to kill off doludod patients
ad infinitum, This follow was as well
known in Sholliold as Dr. I'austus or
Dr. Syntax, and drove his gig.
Tuat Boy's Haih. A Michigan doctor
has written a book upon tho human hair,
in which ho prcsonts those views: Hairs
do not, as a rulo, ponotrato the scalp per
pendicularly, but at an anglo. When tho
augle of the different hairs is the satno, it
is possiblo to give to it the easy swoops
and curves which wo genorally see it
take, but if they aro by some freak of na
ture misplacod, we have the rebellious
"frizzlo tops" that are not suscoptible of
tho influence of tho brush and comb.
Many a poor niothor has half worried hor
life out trying to train hor Johnny's re
bellions locks into bettor ways, boliev
ing it was Johnny's pervorsoness of man
ners that induced such dilapidated look
ing head-gear, when it was really none
of Johnnv's fault at all. but simply a
freak of nature in misplacing the radi
ating centers of his "hirsute covering."
Sometimes fowls suffor from a oontrarl
wiso placing of tho foathors they run
tho wrong way. The author's father had
a hon whose log foathors ran up toward
tho body, those on the body and nock
toward tho head. This gave hor a por-
potual "out-of-sorts look, and she could
novor fly. The erection of the hair on
animals during ongor or of human be
ings in fright is causod by a change in
tho skin and the angle at which tho hairs
entors the head or body.
Simnsonburg Is not noted for his ac
tivity ; quite the contrary. At the club
the othur evening lie got up energy ui
ficiont to propound a conundrum. Hold
he, "Hoys, why om I like a tornado?"
After having recovered from the shock
produced by Hlmpsonburg's unwonted ac
tivity, the guesses flowed in quick suc
cession. Jones thought it was because a
tornado is full of noise ; but that was not
rii,ht, Simpsonburg said. Neither was
UohiiiKon's guess that it was because a
tornado doesn't say anything when it
speaks. Smith tried to work out o pun
on torpedo, torpid, oh, but foiled misera
bly. Everybody began to look sick.
Then Browu tried, lie said it was be
cause a tornado was not good for any
thing till its head was twisted. Simpson
burg shook his head with something like
animption. One of the boys said it was
because neither could climb a tree, an
other that it was a relief when either
went oil', and a third ventured to guess, in
an undertone, it was a blasted nuisance.
Finally Himpsonburg had to divulge ; he
couldn't contain himself longer, lie
mi id it was because he was full of snap.
Tho bovs yawned languidly : every one
of them acknowledged to Simpsonhurg
that he should never have cussed it,
which pleused Snnpsonburn mightily.
Uorion Traveler .
A curious story, which will bo new to
munv, is told at Tyringham, Mass. 8ev
eral'years ago there lived In Tyringhum
Hollow a proepcrous lainny oi cusui;.
At one time several of their porkerb
were taken sick, and they could account
for the complaint in no way except on
the supposition that the devil had enter
ed into tho swine. They tore down the
pens to find him, and in the midst of the
work a weasel run out irom me ruuuinn.
It was perfectly evident that the devil
has passed out into the weasel, so they
gave chaso. The creature ran to the top
oi the tun, ana me peopie, ureiiiies
and excited, followed. At length he waa
captured, killed ami buried. After that
time the plaee where trie weasei was
killed was called by them "holy ground."
An inscribed monument was erected, ana
it became a favorite place with Shakera
for assembling for solemn dance and wor
ship. The monument is broken now
and the place is polluted by strangers'
feet. The inscription is forgotten and
cannot be deciphered, but the story re
mains and the place is known in the vi
cinity as "Shakers' holy ground." People
who visit it always carry away with tbem
piece of the devil's graveitone as a memento.
. . AUIW -J ,
with Lis hand to his forehead as U the
happy accordingly.
J