WEEKLY COKVALLIS GAZETTE.
CORVALLIS.
AUGUST 13, 1880
EAL8TAFF TO THE BARTENDER.
FftL Bardolph, I say!
Bard. Here, air.
Fal. Go brew me a quart of sack , thou dog.
Bard Wltb an egg, sir?
Fal. Aye, wltb a goose egg.
Bard. And strong?
Fal. Strong as a steam stum p-puller;
With alcohol, red pepper and gun cotton,
And with tltro glycerine, thou mangy one!
Hake It rise ap and seize a man
By the throat like a fierce Numidlan Hon!
Have I lived to be carried In a basket
And thrown into the Thames, begaud!
If I be served such another trick
I'll have my brains ta'en out
And replaced with apple sass.
The rogues slighted me Into the river
Wltb as little remorse as they should
Had 1 ran with the machine lu polit.es.
I should have drowned but tbat the sbore
Wax sbelvy and I'm tallest when I m down,
And it's a death I do abhor;
or, you know, it swells a man so:
And wbat a David Davis I would be
If I were swelled !
Petroleum World.
AFTER FIFTEEN YEARS.
"Yes, they had a hard time of it there,"
aays a short, sallow, keen eyed man,
glancing over the illustrated newspaper
which contains an engraving of Mr.
A ngustus Van Cleef's fine monument to
the "unknown dead" at Salisbury, North
Carolina. "I guess I ought to know
something of what the Southern prisons
were during the late war, for I had five
months of it in Anderson ville myself."
In a Pennsylvania train, among men of
whom not a few have taken part in the
great struggle themselves, and who have
had at least one relative engaged in it,
such an announcement is quite sufficient
to command general attention.
"No! did you, though?"
"S'pose you tell us the story, mi -iter;
there's time enough 'fore New York, I
reckon."
"All right, if you care to hear it. You
see, when I first came over from England
the war was just about beginning, and as
there didn't seem anything for me to do
I thought I'd better soldier than starve,
and so I went and 'listed right away. I
wasn't long in finding out that soldiering
and starving might sometimes mean
pretty much the same thing, for rations
were pretty scarce with us once once or
twice, when we got down on the Missis
sippi. I tels ye, after lying all night in
a rice swamp, stiff and wet and miserable,
with nothing to eat and only marsh
water to drink, it was just like a breath
of life to me to hear the alarm sounded
and know that we'd be at the enemy in a
few minutes more."
At this moment a pale-faced man, who
was going from seat to seat with a basket
of newspapers and magazines, paused
for a moment to listen, with a look of
such evident appreciation that it hardly
required tiie testimony of his empty coat
sleeve to show that he, too, hod been a
soldier in his time.
"We had plenty of hard fighting down
there," pursued the narrator as the uews
paper man passed on, "but most of it
was inst-the sort I didn't like skirmish
ing about thick woods, where all you
could see of your enemy was the smoke
of his piece as he let fly at you, where
lots of our fellows were shot down with
out ever knowing who hurt 'em. I had
a pretty narrow escape myself that way
one night. I was standing sentry at the
outposts when a rebel let slap at me
from the thicket, and just caught me
across the cheek here; you see the scar.
I got behind a tree as quick as winking,
and there I stuffed my jacket with grass
and set it up against a tree, with a stick
through it and my hat on top, to look as
if I was peering around for a shot; and
then I dropped down and crawled away
into the bushes. Presently I heard the
craok of the reb's piece again, and, look
ing, out, just caught sight of his arm
and shoulder, and brought him down
with one shot.
"Well, not very long after that, I and
some more got picked up by the South
ern Cavalry, and it wasn't a great while
before we found ourselves hard and fast
in Andersonville, and there wo did have
a time, sure enough.
"The place has been described so often
that I dare say you have a pretty good
idea of what it was like. It was a great,
wide, swampy field, with a stockade
around it, inside of which thousands of
us were cooped up like cattle in a pen.
If a xusss happened to have a blanket and
two or three bits of sticks, so he could
rig up a shelter against the sun and rain,
all the better for him; if he hadn't he
only took his chances, and I can tell you
there were mighty few blankets among
11 R ftnrl nijmv nf n a lio,l HMJa vnnviirV
clothing, either.
"All day long the sun kept roasting
us alive, and all night the damp and
chill ate into our very bones and Bet us
shivering till our teeth rattled again. As
to food, many's the time I have gone all
day upon a couple of biscuits, and small
ones at that, and so as to water, all we
had was from a stream that ran through
a cypress swamp, and you may think
what kind of stuff that was."
"You must have been powerful hun
gry, I reckon," remarked a sympathetic
bystander.
"Hungry? Well, I'll tell you some
thing about that. One day a young fel
low, the son of the general who had us in
charge, came into the pen to look
around, with his littlfl poodle-dog follow
ing him. He had hardly turned his back
when that dog was chopped up and eaten
bodily; and when his master' came back
to look for him there was nothing left
but a bit of skin about so big. They
stopped our food for a whole day be
cause we wouldn't say who did it; but we
told no tales not we.
"Now, I should tell you that to make
sure of our not 'scaping they'd run a
wire all around inside, about eighteen
feet from the stockade; and that eighteen
feet was the 'dead line,' because if a pris
oner only put his head over that line he
got a bullet in him the next minute from
one of the sentries.
Well, one night late in the fall I'd got
as close as I could to the dead line, so as
the stockade might shelter me a bit from
the cold wind. (Ugh! how it did bite
through me on that night!) I was jnst
wondering if I could live through till
morning, and hardly caring whether I
did or not, when a sentry just outside
gave a 'P'st' that made me look up.
"Say, Yank," he whispered, "I guess
you'll want a blanket to-night. Catch
hold of this." And he rolled up his own
and chucked it to me. "I can get along
without it."
"God bless you," says I and that was
all. I chucked it back to him the first
thing next morning, so as he shouldn't
3k get found out, but I guess it saved my
:jf life, all the same.
Not long after that a lot of us were ex
m changed, and I among the rest. I tell
fe you I hardly felt the ground under my
feet when I went out of that filthy hole a
free man though just at first I was as
weak as a baby, and could hardly stand
without being held.
"And did you never hear no more of
that feller as giv' yer the blanket?" asked
one of the audience with undistinguished
interest.
"Never, worse luck; and I don't sup
pose I shall ever now, for it's fifteen
years since it happened, and I've never
been south since."
At that moment a sharp voice said,
close to his ear:
"Say, Yank, I guess you'll want a
blanket to-night!"
The soldier started as if he had been
shot, and turning hastily found himself
confronted by the thin face of the one
armed newspaper man, lit up with a
knowing smile.
"Why, if there ain't the very man
himself!" phouted the narrator, seizing
him with both hands, "Well who'd
ever have thought it? You're just going
along to New York with me, old chap,
and you don't ever go back to peddling
papers while I'm about."
And the ex-prisoner was as good as
his word. Good Company.
On an English Railway.
Bells are scarcely needed, for all
crossings are guarded by gates and
attended by gatemen, who close
them at leabt ten minutes before tho
passage of a train is expected. Cow
catchers are also as unnecessary as
bells, for the locomotive can catch a
cow just as well without them. Al
though the guard has practically the
control of the train, yet the engine
driver is responsible for keeping
time. If time is lost on one part of
the journey it must be made up, if
possible, at another. If there is no
reason for losing time the engine
driver is docked sixpence for every
minute lost. Under these circum
stances it is safe to Bay that no time
is lost that cannot be accounted for.
Trains are often pushed to a reckless
speed to avoid the fine. "Fire, Tom,"
is heard more frequently from the
engineer as he presses his nose
against the circular pane of glass
and peers ahead.
I remember being on the Iocomo
tivo with an engineer one day, who
was trying to make up time, the
train being the mid day express. Ho
had pushed up the rate ot speed un
til it was fully a mile a minute, when,
on turning a -sharp curve to enter
upon a bridge which crossed a small
river, a horse was observed on the
track not more than a hundred yards
ahead.
"Too late to slack up," muttered
the engineer as he opened the throt
tle valvo wide, accelerating if possi
ble the speed of the train. The horse
was standing with its tail toward the
approaching locomotive. A moment
and the hunter of tho engine struck
the animal a ood way abaft the
beam and knocked him completely
oft" tho bridge into the river. The
train scarcely felt tho jar tho shock
was so sudden and the removal of
the obstruction so rapid. Imagine
our surprise on turning around to
see the horse rise to the surface and
swim for the shore. Whether he
ever reached it or not, or what dam
age he sustained I cannot say, for
we passed on like a whirlwind.
When the driver completes his
journey he steps from his engine and
examines it with a critical eye to see
that it has sustained no damage
either to its machinery or ornamen
tal parts during tho journey. Then
he gives his fireman such instruc
tions as ho may deem necessary, and,
taking his jacket under his arm,
hurries to the refreshment room of
the station hotel to solace himself
with a glass. The passenger engine
driver is seldom a total abstainer.
Uo is a sort of (lashing, reckless fel
low, qualities he seems to acquire
from the nature of his occupation. 1
have known a great mauy of them
and they were nearly all alike in this
respect.
Wetting Lead Pencils.
The act of putting a lead pencil to the
tongue, to wet it, just before writing,
which we notice in so many people, is
one of the oddities for which it is hard to
give any reason unless it began in the
days when lead pencils were poorer than
now, and was continued by example into
the next generation.
A lead pencil should never be wet. It
hardens the lead and ruins the pencil.
This fact is known to newspaper men
and stenographers. But nearly every
one else does wet a pencil before using
it. This fact was definitely settled by a
newspaper clerk away down East.
Being of a mathematical turn of mind,
he ascertained by actual count that of 50
persons who came into his office to write
an advertisement or church notice, 49
wet a pencil in their mouths before
using it. Now this clerk always uses
the best pencils, cherishing a good one
with something of the pride a soldier
feels in his gun or sword, and it hurts
ins feelings to have his pencil spoiled.
But politeness and business considera
tions require him to loan his pencil
scores of times every day. And often
after it had been wet until it was hard
and brittle and refused to mark, his feel
ings would overpower him.
Finally he got some cheap pencils and
sharpened them, and kept them to lend.
The first person who took up the stock
pencil was a drayman, whose breath
melt of onions and whiskey. He held
the point in his mouth and soaked it for
several minutes, while he was torturing
himself in the effort to write an adver
tisement for a missing bulldog.
Then a sweet-looking young lady came
into the office, with kid gloves that but
toned half the length of her arm. She
picked up the same old pencil and press
ed it to her dainty lips preparatory to
writing an advertisement for a lost brace
let. The clerk would have stayed her
hand, even at the risk of a box of the
best pencils Faber catered, but he was
too late.
And thus that pencil passed from
mouth to mouth for a week. It was
sucked by people of all ranks and sta
tions, and all degrees of cleanliness and
uncleanliness. But we forbear. Surely
no one who reads this will ever again wet
a lead pencil.-Minneapolis Tribune.
The Detroit Free Press says: The Mil
waukee house of correction is now run
on the moral suasion plan, and it is said
that the worst old topers look almost as
happy as angels when they get two chalk
marks for Leing good all day.
"Small Fruits."
The following is from the Burlington
Hawkeye:
"I just rolled out here from the gro
cery," said the little green apple, as it
paused on the sidewalk for a moment's
chat with the banana peel; "I am waiting
here for a boy. Not a small, weak, deli
cate boy," added the little green apple,
nroudly, "but a great big boy a great,
hulky, strong, leather-lunged, noisy
fifteen-year-older; and, little as I am, you
will see me double up that boy to-night ,
and make him wail and howl and yell.
Oh, I'm small, but I'm good for a ten
acre field of boys, and don't you forget
it. All the boys in Burlington," the lit
tle green apple went on, with just a shade
of pitying contempt in its voice,
"couldn't fool around me as any one of
them fools around a banana."
"Boys seem to be your game," drawled
the banana peel, lazdy; "well, I suppose
they are just about strong enough to
afford you a little amusement. For my
own part, I like to take somebody of my
own size. Now there comes the kind of
a man I usually do business with. He is
large and strong, it is true, but "
And just then a South Hill merchant,
who weighs about 231 pounds when he
feels right good, came along, and the
banana peel just caught him by the foot,
lifted him about as high as the awning
post, turned him over, banged him down
on a potato basket, flattened it out until
it looked like a splint door mat, and the
shock jarred everything loose in the
show window. And then, while the
fallen merchant gathered himself from
various quarters of the globe his silk
hat from the gutter, his spectacles from
the cellar, his handkerchief from the tree
box, his cane from the show window,
and one of his shoes from the eaves
trough, and a boy ran for the doctor, the
little green apple blushed red and
shrunk a little out of sight, covered with
awe and mortification .
"Ah," it thought, "I wonder if I con
ever do that? Alas, bow vain I was, and
yet how poor and weak and useless I am
in this world."
But the banana peel comforted it, and
bade it look up and take heart, and do
well what it had to do, and labor for the
good of the cause in its own useful
sphere. "True," said the banana peel,
"you cannot lift up a 200 pound man and
break a cellar door with him, but yon
can give him the cholera morbus, and, if
you do your part, the world will feel
your power and the medical colleges will
coll you blessed."
And then the little green apple smiled
and looked up with grateful blushes on
its face, and thanked the banana peel for
its encouraging counsel. And that very
night, an old father, who writes thirteen
hours a day, and a patient mother, who
was almost ready to sink from weariness,
and a nurse and a doctor sat up until
nearly morning with a thirteen-year-old
boy, who was all twisted up the shape of
a figure 3, while all the neighbors on that
block sat up and listened and pounded
their pillows and tried to sleep and
wished that boy would either die or get
well.
And the tittle green apple was pleased,
and its last words were, "At least I have
been of some little use in this world."
Fool Friends.
Nothing hurts a man, nothing hurts a
party so terribly as fool friends.
A fool friend is the sewer of bad news,
of slander and all base and unpleasant
things.
A fool friend always knows every mean
thing that has been said against you and
against the party.
He always knows where your party
is losing, and the other is making large
gains.
He always tells you of the good luck
your enemy has had.
He implicitly believes every story
against you, and kindly suspects your
defence.
A fool friend is always full of a kind of
stupid candor.
He is bo candid that he always believes
the statements of an enemy.
He never suspects anything on your
side.
Nothing pleases him like being shocked
by terrible news concerning some good
man.
He never denies a lie unless it is in your
favor.
He is always finding fault with his
party and is continually begging 'pardon
for not belonging to the other side.
He is frightfully anxious that all his
candidates should stand well with the op
position. He is forever seeing the faults of his
party and the virtues of the other.
He generally shows his candor by
scratching his ticket.
He always searches every nook and
corner of his conscience to find a reason
for deserting a friend for a principle.
In the moment of victory he is mag
nanimously at your side. In defeat he
consoles you by repeating prophecies
mode after the event.
Tho fool friend regards your reputa
tion as common property, and as com
mon prey for all the vultures, hyenas
and jackals.
He takes a sad pleasure in your mis
fortunes. He forgets his principles to gratify
your enemies.
He forgives your maligner and slan
derer with all his heart.
He is so friendly that you cannot kick
him.
He generally talks for you, but gener
ally bets the other way. Col. R. G. In
gertoll. The Ideal Smokes. 'Tis a delight to
watch him. Lazily leaning back in his
chair with his feet on the table, he gently
draws into his system the fragrant aro
matic smoke, and removing his cigar
carefully from his mouth, lest the white
ashes should fall, he blows into the air a
succession of vaporous circles, watches
them float for a second, expand and break
into etheral blue. He sees in them
bright visions, satisfying day dreams,
and he again inhales from his brown
Havana the gentle narcotic that soothes
his nerves and gives hira unbounded rest
from business cares. If we could be sure
of enjoying a cigar as this man does, we'd
learn to smoke before night, if it laid us
on a bed of sickness for a week. f New
Haven Register.
M. Guizot, while on a visit to Lord
Aberdeen, in Scotland, was talking to him
in the park one day about the English
system of election?, when his host stop
ped before a cottage. "This little bouse,"
he said "recalls to me a shameful deed in
my political life." What! anactofvio
lence?" You shall hear. I had as tenant
here an independent fe!low,who annoyed
me horribly. In every election he stren
uously opposed me. 1 made up my mind,
to be rid of him." ''Ha! you turned him
out ?" "No. I reduced his rent by a guinea,
and destroyed his qualification? A mean
trick, and I've always been ashamed of it.'
The Wheel Horse.
There is a wheel horse in every family;
some one who takes the load on all oc
casions. It may be the older daughter,
possibly the father, but generally it is
the mother. Extra company, sickness,
gives her a heavy increase of the burden
she is always carrying. Even summer
vacations bring less rest and recreation
to her than to others of the family. The
city house must be put up in order to
leave; the clothing for herself and the
children which a country sojourn de
mands seems never to be finished; and
the excursions and picnics which delight
the heart of the young people are not
wholly a delight to the "provider." I
onoe heard a husband say, "My wife
takes her sewing-machine into the
country and has a good time doing up
the fall sewing." At the time I did not
fully appreciate the enormity of the
thing; but it has rankled in my memory,
and appears to me now an outrage. How
would it be for the merchant to take his
books into the country with him to go
over his accounts for a little amusement?
Suppose the minister writes up a few
extra sermons, and the teacher carries a
Hebrew grammar and perfects himself in
a new language, ready for the opening
of school in the fall?
Woman's work is never done. She
would never have it done. Ministering
to father and mother, cherishing her
husband, nourishing and training her
children no true woman wants to see her
work done. But because it is never
dene she needs resting times.
Every night the heavy truck is turned
up, the wheel horse is put into the sta
ble, and labor and care are dismissed un
til the morrow. The thills of the house
hold van cannot be turned up at night,
and the tired housemother cannot go
into a quiet stall for repose. She goes
to sleep to-night feeling tho pressure of
to-morrow. She must have had "an eye"
over all until everyone was in bed, and
must keep an eye ready to open at any
moment to answer the need of children,
and open both eyes bright and early to
see the machinery well started for a new
day.
There is never any time that seems
convenient for the mother of little chil
dren to leave home even for a day; but
with a little kindly help -from her hus
band, and a little resolution in herself,
she may go, and be so much the better
for it that the benefit will overflow from
her into the whole household. She will
bring home some new idea and will work
with the enthusiasm that comes from a
fresh start.
One word for the older sister; who
makes the salad for lunch and the des
sert for dinner, who takes the position of
wheel horse quite cheerfully while her
younger sisters make themselves beauti
ful and entertaining, and, one after an
other, find "one true heart" apiece to
love them, and leave the maiden to grow
into an old maid . However willing her
sacrifice, it is one; and nothing but tho
devoted love and gratitude of the house
holds whose fires she has helped to kin
dle will reward her for what she has
given.
The Armless Yiolluist.
There is a young man in Germany, by
the name of Hermann Unthan, without
arms, who is said to bean admirable vio
linist. He is the son of a poor village school
master at Sommerfield, near Elbing. The
violin lies upon a kind of footstool,
which he himself designed. The young
violinist sits before it on an ordinary
chair. In tuning the instrument he
turns the screws with the toes of the
right foot, one of which also serves to
press the strings, while he grasps the
bow lightly and tenderly with the toes on
the left foot. Gliding over the four
strings with a soft touch , he produced a
pure trill with his two toes as quickly
and with as much precision as the best
violinist with two fingers. He can play
an entire line of chords in valse time.
He has in his power all the shades of ex
pression, from the pianissimo to the
modern forte.
Hermann Unthan is no object of pity,
but a perfectly contented man. He is
happy in the thought that he has helped
himself, and that he has perfectly over
come the apparent helplessness with
which he came into the world. He does
not feel the want of arms, which he never
possessed. His legs are his arms, his
feet are his hands, his toes are his
fingers, and with them he does all that
other men do with arms, hands and
fingers.
He is a young man, full of life and
eager for travel, and will probably go
through the whole world.
He is accompanied by two faithful at
tendants, one of whom manages all his
concerts, lodgings and things of that
kind. He is certain of the success which
he so highly deserves, not only for his
artistic skill, but for his excellent dis
position. It is said that he transmitsta
large portion of his gains to Sommerfield
for the support of his parents.
Cold Cabbage.
George Abrahams was extravagantly
fond bi cold cabbage, and, one day,
seeing that quite a dishful was left
after dinner, asked his wife if she
would save it for his salad at night.
About midnight George came home
laboring under a stress of heavy
weather. Feeling hungry, and thinking
of his favorite cabbage, he asked where
it was.
His wife replied: "In the pantry, on
the second shelf.
Down he went, found the cabbage,
got out the oil, mustard and vinegar,
cut up the cabbage, dressed it to the
queen's taste, and ate it all.
In the morning his wife noticed the
plate of cabbage where she had placed
it the night before, and, turning to her
"dear George," innocently asked him
why he did not eat uie cabbage.
"I did," he said.
"How did you like it?"
"Oh, not very well; it was tough and
stringy."
"But here is the cabbage; where did
you find any more?"
"Why, on the second shelf, where
yon told me."
A quick glance at the shelf by the
wife, and then a cry of agony.
"Why, George, you have eaten $20
worth of lace collars and cuffs that I had
put in starch; stringy cabbage, indeed."
The examiner is trying to explain to the
fat-headed listeners the character of a mir
acle. He asks a scholar, "What is a mir
acle?" "I don't know, sir." "If all at
once the sun appeared in the heavens
at night, wbat would you say it was?"
"The Moon." "But, if you were told it
was the sun, what would you say?" I'd
say it was a lie.'' "Now, I never lie.
Suppose 1 told you it was the sun?" The
scholar, after a moments deep reflection,
bobbed his head. "Please, sir, I'd say you
were drunk."
The Flight of the Hawk.
We had the good fortune to see a
peregrine falcon wheeling round some
low lands on the right of the road to
York in slow, wide and majestic circles,
and naturally discussed the object of
such a singular flight, which seems to be
common to the hawk tribe in all parts of
the world. Often have we seen them on
American marshes hovering with ex
panded, motionless wings, and, with a
slight flutter at the end of each circle,
mount up to the altitude they had lost.
Some old-fashioned works on natural
history speak of these circles as intended
to dismay the prey that hawks wish to
capture, and say that they lessen them
until they find them within their reach ;
but against this it must be said that,
with the exceeding fleetness and keen
sight of a hawk, all prey he wishes for is
very much within his reach the moment
he sees it; and, as my very intelligent
companion said, a hawk when after his
prey generally flies low and with some
what the motion of an owl. He usually
keeps along hedge-rows or the side of a
plantation, and very easily finds a sup
per. I was pleased to hear a theory I
had formed in America confirmed, for
when waiting for wild ducks we used to
see these birds of prey soaring around in
great sweeps, and it seemed most proba
ble that they were only taking an airing;
indeed, they appeared to be almost in a
dreamy state, for even after hearing a
shot they would circle round very prob
ably within easy reach of a gun. My
game -keeper friend quite confirmed this;
and, as the passage in Macbeth occurred
to me at the moment, I quoted the
words:
"On Tuesday last
A falcon towering in her pride of place
Was by a mousing owl hawked at and killed.'
He said that he could well believe this
was an actual scene, as when owls are
hungry they will take birds in the air,
and he might have mistaken the falcon
easily for a more dainty meal. In the
course of our conversation I learned that
two years previously a bustard had been
shot in these parts of Yorkshire, and two
more had been seen. Now, of course,
such birds are regarded as extinct,
though at the same time not fewer than
five had been seen on Salisbury Plains,
and one I saw in the hands of the bird
stuffer. It is a great pity that such no
ble birds should be allowed to die out,
or, rather, to be exterminated; and we
should do well to imitate the Americans
in their, generous protection of native
fowl, and even stop shooting for a season
when the gunner threatens to extermi
nate any particular species.
Lecture on Ticket Agents and Hotel
Clerks.
Colonel Forney, in the Progress
reads a letter to ticket agents which
should be appreciated and endorsed
by the public. He says: Nearly all
of us have growled at what we con
aider downright impudence of ticket
sellers at railroad stations, in theater
box offices and hotel clerks. Theso
ladies and gentlemen for occasion
ally nowadays you find a woman
selling railroad tickets and doing
similar duty frequently are peevish
; and short in answer, all of which is
exactly what they ought not to be.
They are paid for their work; much
or little, it matters nothing; when
they accept the office they agree to
the pay, and a very important part
of that work is to treat the cus
tomers of their employers with stud
ied politeness. That the public has
a right to expect of them. But is
nothing required of the public in re
turn? Reference is not intended
now to those stupid creatures who
ask silly questions, and who wear
away alike patience and time. Noth
ing will ever change them; their ig
norauce is too deep-seated ever to be
dug out. But there is the man who
addresses the hotel clerk as if he
were his special lackey, who- bangs
at tbe windows of the theaters as if
the gentleman inside the office was
there only to bo bullied. The man
knows better; bo was fully aware he
was doing something out of tho com
mon, but he does it to attract atten
tion to himself, and succeeds at the
cost of being set down as a ruffian.
He presumes on the position of the
person he insults; he would not dare
to act so toward him were he to
meet him away from his duty. He
is therefore a cowardly, mean fellow.
StUAET'S ABTISTIC A HEAT HE XT OF THE
Eyes. Stuart, the painter, once exe
cuted the portrait of a lady in Mew York
who was fussy, critical, over-exacting
and nice to a degree tbat tried in the ex
treme his rather excitable temperament.
The portrait was changed again and
again ; the shade of the hair, the color of
the eyes, the expression of the mouth,
the pose of the head, the arrangement of
the drapery, etc., were repeatedly al
tered at the suggestion of the lady. One
day madame came in with several friends
to see the portrait: and, as usual, she be
gan to criticise, and said: "I do not
think, Mr. Stuart, you have given my
eyes the right expression." The patience
of the artist was exhausted; he could
stand no more. Walking up to the por
trait, and drawing back his fist, he thrust
it through the canvas, and exclaimed in
blunt, but vigorous Anglo-Saxon :
"Madame, your eyes I" throwing the
canvas aside the portrait was finished.
He had given it the last touch.
Loved Another. Fanny Fuld was one
of the beauties of Baltimore. She mar
ried Eli Ellas, a wealthy young mer
chant, and the wedding was a great
social event in that city. A few months
ago, after six months of seeming happi
ness, the wife confessed to her husband
that she was in love with another man.
He said at once that they must part, and,
though she begged hard to stay with,
him, promising the utmost circumspec
tion of conduct, he insisted upon casting
her off. She grew despondent, and wrote
imploring letters to him, but he would
not see her. At last she has committed
suicide.
A Telephonic Dialogue. The fol
lowing telephonic dialogue occurred the
other day between one of the bright
boys in an Exchange Place insurance
agency and a Mr. R , who was a loser
by one of the late fires: "Hullo, Mr.
R ." "Hullo." "We shall have to
get out those papers to-day." "All
right; shall I have to swear to them ?"
"Yes." "Can't I swear by the tele
phone?" Here the conversation was in
terrupted by the sharp voice of a female
operator of the line, who said, "No, you
can't swear by telephone or use any bad
language at all." And then an audible
grin went over the line from either end.
An Engineer's Need of Nerve.
Unquestionably the bravest men
in America are those who can stand
upon the foot-boards of the locomo
tives which draw the fast express
trains. But few persons are aware
of it, but on the leading railways,
where connections must be made if
possible, only engineers known to
be brave and daring are given en
gines on express trains, and as soon
as an engineer shows the least
timidity about running fast, he is
taken from his engine and given one
on a freight train to run. Two such
cases have occurred recently on In
dianapolis roads. Itailroad officers
state that the first sign that an engi
neer is becoming timid is, that ho
will bo five or ten minutes late, possi-
bly a half hour, for some days or
nights in succession. He is then
called to an account, and unless bis
reasons arc convincing another engi
neer is given his engine to run for a
few times, and should he bring the
train in promptly on time, the first
namod engineer gets a freight train
engine to run until be braces up. It
is stated, however, that alter an
engineer allows bis timidity to get a
fair hold, he seldom so far overcomes
it as to have tbe bravery to step on
to an express train engine and run it
at the speed necessary to make tbe
time. Quito recently an engineer of
one of the roads running west from
here got the impression that some
accident was to happen to birn, and
one night, when running a fast ex
press, be constantly lost time. At
the first station the conductor be
rated him for running so slow. The
engineer actually shed tears, and
owned that fears had overcome him,
and that he dare not run fast, and at
his own request an engineer of a
freight train which stood at the
meeting point was given the train to
run through that night, the conduc
tor telegraphing the train-master,
asking that the request be granted.
The timid engineer has since run a
freight on the road.
A Tramp's Revenge.
A few days since one of the seediest
sort of tramps, seemingly about 50 years
old, attached himself to a free lunch sa
loon on Monroe Avenue, and soon felt
perfectly at home. When ordered out,
he went out, but the trouble was he
wouldn't stay out. As a last resort he
was kicked out, but in an hour came
back and seemed so humble and forgiv
ing that the proprietor didn't like to give
him any more cowhide. After a day or
two a different plan was tried. The
"vag" had several times referred to a pain
in the chest, and the bar-keeper mixed
him up a cure. In ten minutes after
drinking it he was excitedly informed
that he had been given a large dose of
morphine by mistake. A party was at
hand to play doctor, and it was decided
that the tramp must walk until he over
came the influence of the drug. One and
another took turns with him until he had
put in about four hours in the back yard,
and ho was then to walk in the country
at least five miles to make his cure cer
tain. He took the case very cooly, never
protesting a word, and as he started for
the green fields it was supposed the sa
loon had seen the last of him. Never
theless, he returned in about four hours,
lame in the left leg, covered with dust,
and apparently almost exhausted. He
said that he had walked in vain. Find
ing that death had determined to claim
him, he had returned to die with his
friends. Before they could protest he
fell to the floor, breaking the back off a
chair and upsetting a table, and after a
few kicks he was dead. A pint of good
brandy was wasted in rubbing him; the
saloon closed for an hour in the face of a
big business, and an undertaker and Cor
oner called before the old chap let any
one know that he wasn't dead. He came
to in some sort of fit which required a
great deal of kicking, and he took good
care that every kick counted on some
thing. When sufficiently restored to sit
up, he was given nearly a pint of wine,
and as his strength increased, he got
away with enough lunches for four men.
It was then deemed good policy to hand
him half a dollar and turn him out upon
the world. Just how much profit the
saloon keeper made in playing the mor
phine trick, is what will puzzle him for a
week to come.
Rupture
The Cdbse at Wobk. A singular
fact is noted in connection with the
sarcophagus of Ashmenezer, King of
Sidon, now deposited at the Louvre, the
inscription of which has just been de
ciphered. It is in effect like that of
Shakspeare's tomb, uttering a curse
upon whomsoever should remove the
monarch's bones. It further declares
that such robbers shall leave no de
pendents, but shall be driven from their
their country. The Duke de Luynes
bought the sarcophagus; he and his own
son were killed in the- Papai war of 1859.
Again Napoleon III. brought it to Paris
and deposited it in the Louvre; he died,
was buried in a foreign land, and his
only son died at the hands of savages in
a strange country. There is not a de
scendent left of Napoleon III. or of the
Duke de Luynes.
The game of Smith was saved by Po
cahontas trumping her father's club with
a soft heart.
$66
A WEEK in vour own town and no
capital risked. You can give the
business a trial wituoui expense.
The best opportunity ever offered for
those willing to worK. rou suouia try noming
else until you see for ydflrself what you can do at
the business we offer. No room to explain here.
You can devote all your time or only your spare
time to the business, aud make groat pay for
every hour you work. Women make as much
as men. Send for special private terms and par
ticulars, which we maff free. $6 outfit free.
Don't complain of hard times while you have
such a chance. Address H. HALLETT & CO,.
Portland, Maine. 16:31yl
$15
Sa TO $6000 A YEAR, or $5 to $20 a day
in your own locality. No risk, wo
men do as well as men. Many make,
more than the amount slated above.
No one can fail to make money fast. Any one
can do the work You can make from oOcU to
$2 an hour by devoting your evenings and swirc
time to the business It costs nothing to try the
business. Nothing like it for money making
ever offered before Business pleasant and strict
ly honorable Header, if you want to know all
about the best paying business before the public,
send us your address and we will send you full
particulars and private terms free; samples worth
$5 also free: yon can then make up your mind
for yourself Address G-EORQE STINSON A
CO., Portland, Maine. 18:31yl
From a Merchant.
Dayton, W. T., Feb. 10, 1879.
W. J. Some, Proprietor California Elastic
Truss Co., 702 Market street, San Francisco Sir:
The Truss I purchased of you about one year ago
has proved a miracle to me. I have been ruptur
ed forty years, and worn dozens of different kinds
of Trusses, all of which have ruined my health,
as thoy were injurious to my back and spine.
Your valuable Truss is as easy as an old shoe, and
is worth hundreds of dollars to me, as it affords
me so much pleasure. I can and do advise all,
both ladies and gentlemen, a ill ie tod, to buy any
wear your modern improved Elastic Truss imme
diately. I never expect to be cured, but am
satisfied and happy with the comfort it gives me
to wear it. It was the best $10 I ever invested in
my life. You can refer any one to me, and I
will be plad to answer any letters on its merrits.
I remain, yours res.peetfully,
D. 11. Bunnell.
Latest Medical Endorsements.
Martinez, Cal., Feb. 17, 1870.
W. J. Heme, Proprietor California Elastic
Truss Co., 7o2 Market street, S. F. Sir: In re
gard to your California Elastic Truss, I would say
that 1 have carefully studied its mechanism, ap
plied it in practice, and do not hesitate to say
that for all purposes for which Trusses are worn
it is the best Truss ever offered to the public
Yours truly, J. H. Cakothuus, M. D.
Eadorsi-d by a' proiniueut Medical In.
atinte.
BAN Fkancisco, March 6, 1879.
W. J. Home, Esq. Sir: You ask my opinion
of the relative merits of your Patent Elastic
Truss, as compared with other kinds that have
been tested under my observation, aud in reply I
frankly state that from the time my attention
was first called to their simple, though highly
mechanical aud philosophical construction, to
gether with easy adju3tibility to persons of all
ages, forms or sizes I add this further testimony
with special pleasure, that the several persous
who have applied to me for aid in their special
cases of rupture, and whom I have advised to use
j ours, all acknowledge their entire satisfaction,
and consider themselves highly tavorcd by the
possession of tlse improved Elastic Truss.
Yours truly, Barl w J. Smith, M. D.
Proprietor Hygienic Medical Institute,
635 California street. San Francisco.
A REMARKABLE CURE.
San Francisco, Oct 26, 1879.
W. J. Heme, Proprietor California Elastic
Truss, 702 Market street, San Francisco Sir I
am truly grateful to you for the wonderful CURE
your valuable truss has effected on my little boy.
The double truss I purchased from you has PER
FECTLY CURED him of his painful rupture on
both sides in a little over six months. The stoel
truss he had before I, bought yours caused him
cruel torture, aud it was a happy day for us all
when he laid it aside for the Califok.ii a. Elastic
Trubr. I am sure that all will be thankful who
are providentially led to give your truss a trial.
You may refer any one to me on this subject.
Yours truly, Wm. Peru,
638 Sacramento Street.
This is to crtify that I have examined the son
of Wm Peru, and find him PERFECTLY
CURED of Hernia on both sides.
L. Drxter Lvforii, M. D.
Surgeon and Physician.
Trusses forwarded to all parts of the United States
at our expense on receipt of price.
Send Stamp tor Illustrated catalogue
aud l'riee Lint,
Giving full information and rules for measuring.
California Elastic Truss Co.
702 Market Street, S. F.
H JL X X'S
SAFE AND LOCK CO.
CAPITAL, 81 000,000.
General Ofllce and Manufactory, .
CINCINNATI, OHIO.
Pacific Branch,
Ml and 313 California St., San Francisco.
CI! AS. H. DODD & CO., PORTLAND,
Agents for Oregon and Washington Ter
HULL'S PA I EST CON'CKKTE
FIRE-PROOF SAFES.
Have been tested by the most disastrous confla
grations in the country.
They are thoroughly fire proof.
They are free front dampness.
Their superiority is beyond question.
Although .-iboiit 150,000 of these Bate are now
in lisp, and hundreds have been tested by some
of the most disastrous culiflagration in the
country, there is not a tingle in-tance on record
wherein one of them ever lailed to preserve, its
contents perfectly.
HALL'S PATENT DOVETAILED
tknon a.m oboovh
BURGLM-PnO&F
Have nover been broken OJn and robbed by
burglars or robbers.
Hall's burglar work is protected by letters
patent, and his work cani:ot be equaled lawfully.
His patent bolt is superior to any in use.
His patent locks cannot be picked by the most
skillful experts or burglars.
By one of the greatest improvements known,
the Gross Automatic Movement, our kicks aro
operated withont any arbor or spindle passing
through the door and into the lock.
Our locks cannot be ocned or picked by bur
glars or exjierts, (as in case of other locks), and wo
will put from $1,000 o $10,000 behind them any
time aminst an equal amount.
THEY ARE THE BEST SAFE
Made in America, or any other country.
One rJriioii-stiil Dollars
To any person who c -n prove that one of Hall's
patent burglar-proof safes has ever been
broken open and robbed by
burglars up to the
present time.
C. W. Pool, Traveling Agent.
Office with C. H. Dodd A Co., Portland. Oregon.
C. B. P.llltKMiS. Manager, S. F.
JOB P8!&iTi!G0
THE
Gazette Job Printing loose
IS NOW PREPARED TO DO
Plain and Ornamental Printing,
Am neat and Cheap as it ran be done by any
Office on the Coast.
Mil lie !U
L. tier Mea.la
..- hititi.
Ma ritt'nl,
1' o-rammes,
Bntl Tlrfceca
luvitnttolt'
Cireuinra,
UuBlueiM lr.l.
Vial tt uk l ards,
I plrrf
lMMl-r
Mo nil PaattTM.
t.u velonea
l.ejcnl c.la.iks'
Hank '.
kllPi'V liPW'tlllN,
O.uVr ;.- t m,
ttUUk,
. , . to.. Kte.
ay-Orders by mail promptly filled. Esti
mates furnished.