Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (Jan. 26, 1877)
)4POLL. i VAN OLEVE,
mm tat C CteriKf Vrr am JUmte.
OlM 0V Six innnthft
i... .....".... 90
to emus ox Twciitv.eftrh nw.. . . .
... 1 BO
. - -. . -..... mens ornu.
tt SiJT1 tslde of I.lnn county will tm
.r.'1 irtra i 70 for thrar-i
-1 ttKi amount of postage per annum
whicH we arc roqnlred to pv on each paper
A&cut for On
, . toijov mueiuui inning
rlto.liM Hd reoeip for ubaerfptkma
, I? '2..R otrk in the localities mentioned :
' ?'f-irk Hume. lirownnvllle.
Avs.?J?- .. CmwfordKvUto.
.. . ToHinlrlm
ttrtU A- Whwlei A Go
twra. Smttb A Bmafield
, i Thos-H. Kuynolds.
1r -'. -J -
.JANUARY 86, 1877.
EDITORIALS FROM THE TILDEN
s'Tbe.,, Lebaubn ':j5fet a redhot
mi rsAJeiuocrauc paper, editea oy JJr.,Kob-
-n L. a White, one of the redhotteat
Dorriocrats in Tennessee, does not take
'J kindly to the stuff furnished from the
Tilden Literary Bureau in New York,
I the benefit ot &e rural Democratic
jfcy press. These editorials were sent to
V .Democratic journal regularly daring
the canvass, arid aresLill beiag furnished.
xn Dr. White says : j
'.C ' -! For several months past we hare
-J been in weekly receipt or a printed sheet,
headed M Original aod selected matter
- for the country press, wherein extracts
twi frora leading papers alternated with
i a dditoriaU on the political situation"lhe
whole being generously furnished gratis
f -- to the rural roosters for whose especial
behoof it was prepared. Now, the
MereUd, albeit not especially distin.
guisbed tor the brilliancy or the pro
fundity ot its editorial matter, has an
.aversion to the printing of anything as
a original which is not the product of its
own personal Faber and so the "edi
torials"' aforesaid were quietly inurnod
. in the depths of the waste-basket. It
seems, however, that some ot our con
temporaries were less squeamtsbed, and
promptly availed themselves of this
new patent for editoriaUwriting-made-asy
at least, the following, which we
find in the Chicago Tribune, would
seem to indicate that state of tacts : -"A
gentleman in Tennessee, who has
access to an extensive country exchange
list sends us a large envelope filled with
editorials from Tennessee and Mississip
pi papers. It afforded considerable
amusement to take oat ot the big euve
r lope, one alter - the other, nineteen
'leaders, all of them commencing When
the wisest of modern Massachusetts
statesmen said, etc It exhibited, howl
ever, considerable poverty of mental re
. sources on the part ot the Franklin,
. (Teno,) Review and Jourtial,lha Milan
(Teno.,) JJzchange, the Hernando,
Press and Times, the Holly
Snrinza. fMisS.- TtrrMYrtjr th Rrnvna.
, Vllle. fTenn.. Democrat, thm TVrM inn.
villa, (Tcun.,) JSTeto Era, and the other
-dozen sheets, to find the same editorial
in the earae week as the leading edito-
. riai or tnem au.
- Peejciums Uaised. The State Ag
ricultural Society give u two purses of
50Q each at the SUte Fair next Fall
one for two year okls. runninzadash
-of one mile, and one for three year olds
- trotting a dash of one mile and repeat.
The first in the trotting race to receive
$400, two-thirds of , the remainder to
the second horse and the balanou to the
third. Entries will dose by the first of
May. The premiums on bones thr9agh
the different classes have been rarad tn
33- per cent. The Percheron and Cly-
classes nave oeea maaed to tbe
list. There will ba five
as follows : "Single dash of a mile f 100;
wm uiito lor two year oiaa, fouu ; one
mile heats 3 in 5. 500 two mila hmt
$500. In addition to this there will be
tour crottm? raoM tnr 5JV mtrtn
'..".jgaaad total oftlOO.'
r- r GEOVE2P3 MUDDLE.
A Georgian who thoroughly compre
' bends tbe sitnaUon, aod.' is something
poet, sends the following to the
"If hell was raked, damnation scraped,
All thieves raked in a huddle ;
Would be nowhere, brought in compare
v i T ; Groyers thieving muddle. -
: AH hell outdone, by Oregon,"- 1
While Tilden nlava tha GAAU ;
Let Carthage burn, with Rome in turn,
' O . 1 . t. - JJI.MI
uw wuv iwi suits uw riuuie r
One of our religious exchanges warns
fta . readers asaioBt "moral saabAs
r Some arc named : : There is the pilot
snake, who leads the young into places
of evil resort ; the ribbon snake, that
7 implants love for finery and fashion ;
the ruig snake, that inclines the heart
" to a love of jewelry ; the black snake,
tbat ajmeraaa nKanutM iKa minor aiiu
;.f j Mug ituwujuu j uae auuer, wnico nia.
, A ! " calumny ; the boaoenstriotor, which
' crorrres itself with eating? and drinltiner .
! ccutgs reputation ; tbe adder, which his.
y-t v K 'f ' 7 n ,
. .and final I v the -devil, that crreat mtS
( .and finally the devil, that great serj
pecb , jeware or soaaes. ,. f , ; s i
: ' The St. Louis HtxniUican says tKS
"South isat as solid as it was, ; Yes.
the South is solid solid for peace, and
so war foolishness over a Presidential
election fcrt the-benefit of Northern
speculators and Southen grave-dig-
Mr. Cleary, ? of Idaho . ceucty, has
been by a majority of one, ajlewed.to
address tbe. House barefooted..
Himt MU BT TBI
When Grover, ot Oregon, under the
direction of Tilden, undertook to steal
a vote for the sham "reformer' the
Democrats called it "taking the bull by
the horns. . Recently, Grover left his
home on tbe far-off Pacific coast for
Washington, for the purpose of convinc
ing the world of hiB greatness. He
brought along with him his man Pat.
Cronin, and tlie two expected to create
a sensation. The N. Y. Tribune trifles
with the great men thus lightly: ,
4 And so we fear that disappointment
awaits the Oregon procession. Ttey
will not create a sensation. But they
will have the ratisfaction, to say the
least, of being congratulated on having
"taken the bull by the horns. The
Democratic party always does that.
When Jefferson Davis and the rest
took tbe bull by the horns in 1861, the
party stood off and admired, bo it did
when Vallaudingham took the bull by
the horns ; so when Andrew Jackson
did ; so when Tweed did in 1868 iu the
New York election ; so when Thomas
W. Dorr did in Rhode Island vears aero:
so when the Border Ruffans did in
Kansas, and the draft rioters in New
York. There never was a party that
stood so ready to appland taking the
bull by the horns as this one. And
thea after all, suppose a fellow does find
himself on his back over tbe fence, with
a sore head and torn clothes, there must
be considerable satisfaction in having
some of the most distinguished persons
in the land looking down at him
through their eye-glasses and remarking
"Well, it was a noble thing in him to
Uke the bull by the horns. And if to
this is added the mild delight ot having
read over to him before he gets up a
mile and a-halt of solid argument by a
Cincinnatti lawyer, proving conclusive,
ly that the bull had no business to be
there, what can a fellow ask more in
this world of unappreciated philanthro
py and unrequited toil ? These Oregon
gentlemen now are entitled to eympa.
thy. They ought to have it, together
with the usual mileace
den. We suereest ti.t int.IjMj r;
to Washington to cre&to a. tAnaiini. ;n
which they will be disappointed, tnav
present themselves at GrammenT Park
as the persons who took the bull hv thn
horns. And the verv last that Rnv
llden can do will ha. afW
them over lansuidlv with Sill rYVmiir
eye and saying, Well, you look so!'
" mem 10 a inner. And he may
pay them mileage. Who knows ?
la the Wrong; Bed.
A married Johnnv went mamhine
home blind drunk the other nitrht tn!
thought he was climbing into The win.
aow or ins house, but got into the hog
pen instead, where a fat porker lay
quietly snoozing. Taking off his clothes,
lie hung them quietly over the trongh,
and laid himself down bmuta hia
Betsy." as he thonsht. AfW mimhl.
ing awhile at Betsy for breathing so
loud, he besran feelim? around for tha
cover, and soliloquized :
"Mighty euros. Kiver mart a fallen
on er floor probbly un'eT bed. I say,
ol ooman ! Low yer got yerselt fixed.
Bess? f eels ofiel curus missels! Zis
is a remarkable eoincicurrence ! Old
pal aa saddlv changed ainm lax1 mat
Wunner werezer 'ed. (Gets hold of
tbe hog's tail.) "Ha-ha-hic, I say, Bess,
how yer got yer hair fixed ? Beats all
twia'ed squirled like a heathen
Jinnee, ie's unwrap it. It's tierhtern
so'm I. Disgustin'
hair. Don care a
way to wear
if it's stvle or
not 's gc t to come down. Say, wliere's
yer nose. Strange you had a nose.
Now, look yere, ol ooman, this hie
foolishness's perceeded fur 'uough.
Perduce that now, or '11 ki hie you
outer bed." i
The man's wife, attracted by the
noise, appeared upon tbe scene at t his
critical moment, and managed to get
her inebriated lord into tbe house, be
muttering the while : !
" A t's not right; Bess -take' vantage
ray feeble condisbun to turn me outer
house an home. Be sorry for zis w en
yer get hie sober.
From tbe OreKonian. ! .
VaJi'cotjvbb, W.T Jan. 17, 1877.
Cant. Stronsr. it seems. besina to talk
fight in regard to tbe inauguration of
Tilden. it need be. Ha is a verv yond
representative of the fighting croakers
ot the North. Of course, thev would
all fight if need be. but tha diffirmltv ia
they can not see the necessity when the
time to fight arrives. Has the Judge
foreotten a littln nim(M tint oc
curred in Clarke county, W- T during
tne ioaian war ot loos? lie must re-
memoerthe battle tought foy himself
near Strong's battle ground about 13
miles from Vancouver where this lusty
valorous "Captaiu ' with a company of
volunteers bad such a. nerilona and
deadly engagement with what after.
waras proved to be a small, party ot
squaws scouring tbe woods in search ot
Seeing some signs of Indians near the
1 v ' : : . -"w
ot his officers : "Certain it is will
alt be killed F Immediately he and
bis company made a safe retreat back
to Vancouver, tbe squaws following
hard after, hoping to dispose of their
berries to the ootnpany of men, and
crying. Ia! Iat Tica berries? Hiaa
i cwin dshou man : aui (ne berry
j pickers oould not ride fast enough to
I disnose of a sinorle barrv. Porh,n
clatawa Boston man I" But the berry
I . o tl - - w.mv.w wuv
I Cantain was not hnnonrv fnr fama
that time; but be made a successful
and timely retreat. Not a man was
ftuuea or wounded. Truly yours,
I ; : ORLANDO.
A gentleman well " posted in the fi
nancial condition of Owyhee writes:
"Only 130 poll-tax receipts sold in
Owvhee eonntv. Two hnndrsad dava
charged and allowed for assessing at $8
m. .luilui . . 11TL.
poor country, out of h 1 could stand
It is all riirhf. tor tlm TTnn T$ l
- C " " '.HI . U
Slote to lncr Ills' 'michtv Hnf!nt- m...,.
the country and say g. fi for good fellow
c. u. ror casn aon, ana s. m- tor sour
mash, but such little eccentricities don't
wear well in the family circle. A for
ward youth of fourteen, whi-se parents
live ou Myrtle avenue, entered the home
the other day and remarked to his
mother : . , -
4Is dinner ready, and if not, why in
t. (thunder) and 1. (lightning) ain't it?"
"What do you mean V ehe slowly
"I mean that yon had better t. a. 1.
(tread around lively), he answered.
She didn't, say any more, but when
the father came home to dinner, she
quietly informed him that young Napo
leon was picking up slang. I
"Is, eh ? 111 see about that," and
he called tbe boy in and inquired :
"Napoleon, where were ) you last
evening ?" I
"Oh, down at the c g. for a little
"What do you mean by o. g. ?" de
manded the father. j
"Why, corner grocery of course., You
see, I have g. U h. (got the habit) ot ab
breviating my words.' j
, "I see you have," mured the father
as he rose up.' "You will p. a.m. (pi ease
accompany me) to the wood-shed f
They had a little physical exercise
oui mere, tne rattier holding the balance
of power, and the son doing all the high
stepping and dancing. When the show
naa adjourned, the father said :
"ftow, a. i. m. don't let me) ever
hear any more of your slang."
'Not a. b. w. (another blessed word,"
sighed the boy, as he sat down on a
lump of Briar ilill and wiiwd hia oo
away." Detroit Free -Press.
Without Hekls C.hiW
boys and girls, mu-t wear shoes wih
out heels. So tashun demands, ai.d all
who desire tbe healthy physical devel
opment of the rising generation will
rejoice in the comfortable mandate.
This fashion prevails abroad, and
mothers who have lived or trave'ed in
European countries fee the advantage
of it, and most invariably adopt it for
their children. Thus the moi-t stylish,
dressed boys and girls wear buttoned
shoes without heels, and their feet are
allowed to develop u nature intended.
It is to be hoped that the fashion may
not only become universal, but that it
may never again be superseded by those
unsightly protuberances that, especially
in children, interfere with the symmet
rical growth of the foot and prevent
the ease of life when the habits are
formed which result in permanent awk
wardness or ease.
A Grave Mistakb. As a resident
of Woodward avenue stood at his gate
yesterday morning, a boy about thirteen
years old came along with a snow-shovel
on his shoulder. j
i " Ha ! b y come here -want a job?"
called the gentleman. !
"Sir 1" answered the boy with great
"Pitch the snow off my walk and I'll
give you a quarter," continued the
"Sir ! you don't know me," said the
lad as he marched on. "I am on my
way to clear the walks in front of my
tattler's fourteen lots np here. All oar
eighteen horses are lame, and our gold
mounted snow-plow itf out of order, or
else you wouldn't see me carrying this
shovel around. Im offering five dol.
lars to any one who will carry it up as
far as Parsons street.
A Fox Stort. The York (Penn.)
Daily says a farmer set a trap to catch
a cunning fox which had been annoying
bim considerably by iu midnight visits
among the poultry. For fourteen suc
cessive hU to it, ; he fonnd ti e trap
sprung, a 6tick of wood between if
jaws, and the bait eaten up. The cir
cumstance, so often repeated, surprised
him. There were no other tracks to he
seen but his own and those of the fox,
and who sprung the trap was a question
that puzzled him sorely. By continuing
to re bait his trap, he hoped to catch the
author of tbe mischief. On the fif
teenth night he found a fine old fox
hung to it by tjie nose, and in his mouth
was a stick of wood 1
Lamps. Sometimes a wick becomes
too short to carry np the kerosene, and
the lamp goes out. If you have not
time to put in a new wick, a piece of
cotton rsg pinned on below will answer
every purpose, and become a good feed,
er. If a hole should become broken in
( the glass chimney, paste on a piece of
I VMS VkAV- eslflYIAla 4ff Art '- lit ifittlA a
9. w in o r ivi 1 w ui'iivi au Ta
memejit, ri4 it win answer itn putpce
well for a long time, or until yon get a
i ; wiiicuiucw 1.1 its tisriieiB
of lamps become gnmmv, and prevent
the wicks moving freely. Boil them in
suds over the tire a short time, and they
will become entirely clean, and work
A, bill has been introduced in the
Idaho Legislature which provides that
butchers shall keep a daily record of all
..1.1 V - a . a
1 Kwignierea dt uiera : trie iitme
Dougnt, ana that all persons who shall
slaughter cattle shall keep the hide
ready for inspection, witltont mutila
tion for thirty days. Decidedly rough
on bovine thieves.
The sexton ot St. Stanislaus's Polish
Church, Milwaukee, was beset with an
appetite for alcohol, and the trustees
agreed with him that $5 should be de
ducted from his wages every time be
got drunk. In one month these fines
equaled his salary, and as the trustees
held him to the bargain be has sued
them tor his regnlar pay.
. A woman ia visiting her parents in
Newburyport, Mass., who is wearing
the same bonnet she wore when she was
married and went to Texas tweutv.fi ve
years ago. ; v-.-.-n' ' ". .
Washington City is full ot pickpock
ets. (No disrespect to Congress.)
iif llf 1 ' - 1 - f Tlliial
WAS RUE FALSE!
"She's as beautiful
as Hebe!" said
"Indeed !" said his nephew's
"Eyes deep blue, like midsummer
hair lustrous as flaxen gold teeth
like twin rows A pearls," pursued the
"She must be very pretty, said Mrs.
"Pretty." echoed the old bachelor.
"Pretty's no word for it."
"And young?" -
"Well, not so very," admitted Mr.
Mortimer. "She's five and thirty, but
she has the complexion of eighteen."
"That'n easily accounted tor," said
Harry the nephew. "What with,
'Cream ot Roses,' 'Baths of Pearls, and
'Balms of Venus,' people can have what
ever complexion they please nowadays,
provided they've cot the monev to tav
"Nonsense !" snapped Mr. Mortimer,
sitting un verv straight, and lookinc
around with a general air of defiance.
s ii my Aure;ia would condesend to
such petty artifices as that I She's pu
rity, frankness, siugle-mindel artlessuess
"Oh P said Harry, "is she?"
"Certainly jhe is." said the senior.
msv j wu iiiina 1 uuiiiu tove a woman
who was made up as an actress ?"
"People do,", said Harry, dubiously.
'But not people t.t my standard," re
torted his uncle, loftily.
Aod Mrs. Harry thought remorsefully
of the little china pwder pot, with its
downy puff, with which she used to
"cool down" her complexion on hot
"But really," thought poor little Mrs.
Harry, "one don't want to look as if
one were van ished all over, or dipped
in a jar of boiling oil, liko the forty
thieves in the Arabian Nights."
"Harry," said she, when Uncle Mor
timer had taken his leave, "do you
really think its wrong to use a dab of
powder in the hot weather?"
"Nonsense," said Harrv, with an iq.
ward elevation of his handsome Grecian
nose. "I dareay that desperate old
maid that Uncle .Mortimer is going to
many is painted like a Jezebel."
"Sims says so. And Sims knows her
Miss Anrelia Hopkins, that's her
name. And she's wagered a diamond
bracelet with one of her friends that she
will be married leflre ChnVtmas. I
woidef what sort of a wife that'll be
for Uncle Morty I"
"But, Harry, why don't you tell
bim ?" crii-d the litt'e wife.
"Because, my dear, he's too tar gone
to believe a word of it."
"Oh, dear!" sighed Mrs. Mortimer.
"And of course he'll withdraw your
little allowance now."
"Of course," admitted her husband
with a grimace.
"It's too bad," sighed Mrs. Mortimer.
"Jnt when you've lost your clerkship,
and little Effie needs sea-air, and Aunt
t'hristiuia lias written to a-k it we ca-i
lend her money enough to send little
lame Charlie to that famous London
surgeon. ' hings always go contrary,
doi.'i they, Harry?"
"Don't tret, my pet," said Harry
Mortimer, careless y stroking tbe golden
head that bent so low. "It'll all be
right, if Uncle Morty should get mar
ried. I'll find something to do, if it's
nothing better than sawing wood or
haulii.g in coal."
But as he went out, gaily whistling,
to keep up a brave exterior, he did
wish, nvt earnestly, in his secret heart,
that Miss Aurelia Hopkins hadn't seen
fit to cast her siren spells over the heart
of the rich bachelor uncle; whose heir
apparent he had always been.
"If I believed, honestly and truly,
that she would make him happy'
thought Harry, "I wouldn't grudge his
money to tier. But I don't believe any
thing of the sort." .
Litt'e Effie had the toothache next
day. Mrs. Mortimer clasped her hands
"Oh, Harry," she said to her hus
band, "I'm afraid she'll have to have
that tcoth out!"
"Very well." said Harry. "Take
her to the dentist's."
"Oh, Harry, I daren't ." faltered the
little woman, who could not endure to
see a fly killed or a mouse drowned.
"xhen I will." said Harry, laughing.
.The dentist, a dapper little man,
smelling of scented soap, and orris root
tooth powder, was engaged just at the
moment of their entrance, but would be
at liberty presently.
Little Effie sat down, quaking and
trembling, in an easy chair.
"Oh, tpa," faltered she, "I wish
there wasn't any snch thing as teeth.
Mr. Mortimer, taking up a newspajier
at that moment, chanced to knock a
little paste-board box off the mantel a
pasteboard box neatly tinctured with a
ring of india rubber.
"Hollo P'eaid Mr. Mortimer, "what's
this? I hope I haven't done any harm.
'Miss Aurelia Hopkins!" ho repeated,
reading a pencil inscription on -the lid.
"Yes," said the little dentist, hurry
ing to the rescue Miss Hopkins' new
set. Ought to have been sent yester
day." .. ;
"New set ?" vaguely repeated Harry.
"Set of wlrtit?
"Of teeth, to be sure, uppers and
lowers,' said the dentist. "Ah, you
may look surprised, but I make teeth
tor om of our very best society. A nd
if you yourself should ever require
Yes, yes, I'm coming, sir," j
And tbe man of molars, hurried back
to his inner sanctum.
When little Effie's malignant tooth
was safely drawn, and Harry Mortimer
had paid reluctantly, he paused a min
ute on the threshold.
"Ab, by the way," said he "I'm go
ing directly past Miss Hopkins' house
you're probably aware that she's to
be married to my uncle next mouth
and if it would be any accomodation to
you I could leave those teeth for her."
"Much obliged, Pro sure," said the
dentist. "If you would take the
trouble I've only one errand boy, and
he is so unreliable and forgetful that I
sometimes scarcely know which way to
tu'n much obliged. Here they are,
So Mr. Harry Mortimer stiode off,
chuckling to himself, with Miss Aurelia
Hopkins' teeth in his hand.
He glanced at his watch. It was
just aliout the hour at which his infatu
ated elderly relative was accustomed to
leave bouquets, books, or bonbons at
the door of his inamorata.
"It I cou'd oniy catch him," thonght
Harry. And, as if sent by some kindly
fate in answer to his inward aspiration,
Uncle Mortimer came briskly trotting
around the corner at that very second.
He did not see his nephew. How
should he when he had u eyes for any
thing but the front drawing-room win
dow, at which "the lair Aurelie was
smiling a sugar-welcome?
But I Iarry beckoned to a boy who
was flattening his nose in front of a ba
ker's window, and whispered a message
in his ear, accompanying it with a tee.
"Yezzir," said the boy, and darted
across the street like an arrow lrom a
"If yon please, sir," said he boldly,
addressing the astonished old bachelor,
just as he had mounted the second stone
step of the flight. "I'm from Bid
come's, the dentist, with Miss Hopkiu'
"Miss Ho) .kin's what?" demanded
the astonished bachelor.
"Teeth, sir," bawled the boy; and as
the elderly gentleman yet recoiled from
the little pasteboard box he sprang
nimbly up the steps and pulled the hell.
"Miss Hopkins' teeth," said he thrust
ing the parcel into the hand of a blue
ribboned maid servant.
"Mary Ann," said Mr. Mortimer,
addressing the maid in accents of solemn
a (juration, tell me ti e tiu:h. Does
your mistress wear. fal e teeth?"
"I.awk, sir," tittered Mary Ann.
"Answer me, Mary Ann."
lint Mary Ann, with a second giggle,
endeavored to escaie. But Mr. Morti
mer made a gasp at the box. Mary
Ann, leal and loyal to her mistress's in
terests, resisted, and the upshot ot the
matter was that the little box came in
two, and out rolled the grinning set
of "upiers and lowers" an undeniable
Mr. Mortimer jumped hack. Mary
Ann uttered an eleetrie shriek, and Mr.
Harry Mortimer, who had watched the
tableau from the other side of the street,
knew that it was time tor him to beat a
retreat, and he beat it accordingly.
Uncle Mortimer came to his nephew's
house that evening.
"Harry, my boy," said he, "it's alt
over my wedding, 1 mean. I's np."
"Is it?" said sympathetic Harry.
"Don't allude to the subject again,"
said Mr. Mortimer. "She's treacher
ous! I'ye been deceived all through.
I darpsay the rest of hr is as false as
er but no matter. I am disenchanted
at last. I have bidden Iter an eternal
After all this it is hardly necessary to
say that Mr. Bidcome is no longer Miss
Anrelia Hopkins' dentist.
And the diamond bracelet wager is
t 'ORRESPOXDEXCE "WITH A CORPSE.
- Some weeks ago a young scapegrace
in Virginia t'lty, who' had left the pa
rental roof in New York under a c'ond
iu 1865, concluded to put up a job on
the old gentleman and make a raise.
He 1 accordingly te'rgraphed to his fath
er iu New York :
Mr. : Your son Walter was
killed in the Con. Virginia mine this
morning by a fallii.gcage. What shah
we do with the n mains?
M. L. Barker.
Almost immedia'ely a telegraphic
order came-for $150 aiid the laconic re
ply: "Bury them" The fictitious Mr.
L. Barker frze to the $150 and went
on a royal spree, and a few weeks after
ward wrote to his father over his real
name as follows:
Dear Father : I have just learned
that an infamous scoundrel named Bar
ker sent you a fictitious account of my
death and swindled you out of $150.
He also borrowed $85 from me and 'eft
the country. I write to inform you that
I am yet alive, and long to see the old
parental root again. I am in somewhat
reduced circiimstaiM es, the accumula
tions of the last five years having been
swept away a disastrous stock opera
tion -and it you would rpare me $200
I will be ever thankful for yonr favor.
Give my love to all. Your affectionate
A few days later the young man
received the following:
My dear Son: 1 have buried you
once, and that's at end of it. I decline
having any more transactions with a
corpse. Yours iu flesh, s Fathkb.
The old man evidently knew whereof
One of the teachers in. the public
schools in Milwaukee recently pu i-hed
a little boy for some misdemeanor by in
flicting two or three blow 'ipon his
head with a small ratau after which he
was sent to his seat. As he sat down
he leaned his head on the desk, and one
ot the other children said had tainted.
He was immedi ttely raised up by the
teacher, when it was found he was dead.
No blame is attached to the teacher,
however, as the pun shment was vpry
light and could not have injured him
bodily; but it is supposed the child had
some functional derangement which the
excitement ot the punishment fatally
The "telepb- ins" has had another
successful trial between Boston and Sa
lem, the slightest whisper at the lit ton
end of the wire being heard distinctly
in Sa'em. When an ordinary tone was
used the speaker at : either end was
readily recognized by the noise. The
experiment was also tried between Bos
ton and, North Conway, a distance of
143 miles, and conversation carried
on without difficulty. : An attempt to
converse over 200 miles of wire was a
failure, the words being unintelligible,
but Professor Bell, the inventor, at
tributes tbe failure to the use ot an
electro magnet intended only for a
twenty mile circuit.
A TOl-GII STORY.
There lives in New Hampshire a man
named Joe, a fellow noted for the tough
lies he can tell. Joe called in at Hol
ttyi's lately and found him almost chok
ed with smoke, when he suggested "you
don't know as much about manVnng
smoky chimnies as I do 'Squire or
yH,'d cure 'em. -Ah!" said Ho'ton,
Z?1 eer """ky chimney
cured ?" "Seen it !H thiidc 1 have I
had the worsf. in Seaboard county and
I cured it a little too much." "How
was that f asked Holton. "Why you
see I built a little house out at Wolfe
Hollow ten or twelve years ago. Jim
Bush, the fellow that built thediimney.
kept blind drunk three-quarters of the
time and crazy the other. I told him
I thought he would have something
wrong; but he stuck to it and finished
the house. Well, we moved in built a
fire next morning to boil the tea-kettle.
All of the smoke came t hrough the room
and went out of the windows; not a
bit went through the flues. We tried
it for two or three day, but it got
worse and worse. By and by it came
on to rain, and the rain began to come
d..wn the chimney. It put the tire out
in a minute, and directly iiegau to come
down by the fiatl-full. We had to get
the baby oil the floor as soon as we
cou'd or it would have been drowned.
In fifteen minutes the water stood knee
deep on the floor. I pretty soon saw
what wad the matter. The drunken
cusa had put the chimney wrong end up
aisl it drawed downwards. It gathered
all the rain within a hundred yards, and
poured it down by hucketlulls" "Well
that was unfortunate," remarked HoV
ton ; "but what in the world did you
do with the house? Surely you i-ever
cured the chimney? "DidnH I though,"
answered old Jie, "yea I did." "How?
asked Iloltou. "Tun.ed it the other
end up," answered tlie incorrigible,
"and then you ought to have seen it
draw ! That was the way I cured it
too much.' "Drew too much?" asked
Hilton. "Well 'Squire, you may j.tdge
for yourself," said old "Joe. "Pretty
soou after we got the chimney down the
other end up, I missed one of the chairs
from the room, and directly I seed an
other of them shooting toward the fire
place. Next went the table, and I see
the back log going np. TIkhi I grab
bed the old woman under one arm and
the baby under the other, and started ;
but ju.-t as I got to the dor I seed the
cat going across the flar bavk wards,
holding 011 to the carpet; yelling awful
ly. It wasn't no use. I just see her
going over the top of the chimney and
that was the last of her." "Welt,
nat did you do then f asked Holton;
"ot course you could not live in such a
house." "Couldn't I though ?" said
Joe. "But I did. I put a poultice ou
the jamb ot the fireplace and that
drawed t'other way, so we had no more
The only sae rn'e in reading news.
paiers is getting to be not to be'ieve
the news. One of the latest Euroean
illustrations Af the necessity ot such a
rule is the reported conversation be
tween the Marquis of Salisbury and
Prince Bismaik. The rej.rter forgot
to mention which of the two confided
the conversation to him. On' cur vide
of the water some of the mst striking
Iools of the necessity of the rule are
found in the publication of the inten
tions of Mr. Hayes, should he become
President, and the plans by which his
election is to lie assured. No man cer
tainly ever passed through so tierce a
political campaign in this country more
unscathed in every way than Governor
Hayes. He said nothing, wrote noth
ing, and did nothing which was uuhe.
coming a selt-respectiug gentleman who
was a t-audidate for the Chief Magistra
cy. There were those who were dis
pleased with his tranquil reticence, and
who wished him to "take a position
or "express his views," or "show his
pleasure or displeasuie." Mr. Hayes,
ou the contrary, knew that whatever
he said or did could only be interpreted
aa the word or deed of a candidate, and
he maintained the true dignity of his
position. It he had been irainated, as
was al eged, without a sufficient knowl
edge ot bim 011 tlie rt ot the people,
he knew very well that what hdid af
ter his nomination would properly have
vry little weight. This was shown by
Mr. Ti Men's letter on the payment of
Southern claims. Its effect was to con
firm the reality of danger.
Since he would not speak f the Dem
ocrats in disjiair declared that he could
not speak, that he had no opii ions, no
character; and Mr. Dorsheimer even
ventured to say, contemptuously, that he
believed Mr. Haves had been a corpo
ral, or major, or captain, or something
in the war. Since the election, and
pe nding the lawful dee aratiou of the
result, Mr. Hayes has been equally re
served. But the iugenioo purveyors of
news have informed us of his interviews
with Mr. Lamar and ot his undoubted
Southern policy. That if lie should be
the President he has already a 8 nth
ern policy there is no doubt, for he an
nounced it iu his letter of acceptance
There is equally no doubt of his having
a gei eral olicy in regard to the execu
tive patronage. He has annonnced it
unequivocally iu the same letter. It is
iu both cases the policy of reason and
good sense, and tlie policy demanded
by the platform upon which he was
We believe that Mr. Hayes will de
cline tlie Presidency unless lie is con
vinced that he is fairly and lawfully
elected. If, in case of his e'eciion, any
body should claim to have "put him
through," we are much in error if Mr.
Hayes does not poiut out to him his
mistake. There has never been the
least :eason to suppose that lie does not
understand the situation quite as well
as anybody else, nor that he .would not
carry into tlie Presidency the same spir
it that he has shown in every important
epoch ot his life. Harpers Weekly.
11 -.a 1
It Is only by labor that thonght can
be made healthy and only by thought
that labor can be made happy, and the
two cannot be eeperatcd with impunity.
As a reward for electing Tilden the
Democratic Tweeds and Morrissey's
were to have the privilege of plunder
ingthe county ; but the election of Hayes
cuts off all such hopes, and renders
them furious and ready to enter upon
almost any villainous scheme that prom,
ises, tor a time at least, to give them
spoils. Io tlie language of an exchange:
These men who have 'exhausted their
own resources and those of their friends
men who have been . inpoverished by
wasteful extravagancies and business in- -competence
men who' are mortgaged
for more than they were ever worth,
and whose credit and character lutve
disappeared with their means, have as a
last resort from tlie dreadful alternative
ot working tor a living, taken to poli
tics ; have figured iu war c'ubs ; spent
11 1 : u
tncrjr wuiu uurtuw in icti-iiij uuui
mers ; and having thus planted and wat
ered tlie seed, expected it to ripen into
an office under the sunshine, of Demo
.....i .1 . ...
is indeed a serioir matter, for, if 1 1 aye
is inaugurated,-they , will be compel ed
to work for a living, and Uey think of
work as a Laplander dors ot a bathr
that it is sure death. ! They swarm iu
every State and city, and infest the re
motest hamlets, their kangry eyes fixed
on the pet office which as all that occu
pies their minds, and all their calcula
tions run on how much they can make
out of the fees and stealings. We know
that tlkeir need is very sore, and we
shall not be surprised if, iu the anguish
of their disappointment, hundreds ot
them should die of a broken heart on .
reading the news of Hays Inauguration.
But we do not think that their exifr
from this world wiil be any serious blow
to those who remain ; and we are very
eertain that the honest, Ivent, preoe
loving citizens uf America, who hare no
personal greed to serve iu politic andv
who do- not depend for tlieir existei.ee
00 the spoils of office, are not goh'g to
set to work to cut each other's throats
because a tew hundred hungry wolves
are barred out from the Treasury doora
where they have been barking fux so
Wa nra Our AatlpatfcsT ,
It is a popn'ar error that prevailed
fifty years ago, and is more or hess cur.
rent still, that our antipodes are the
Chinese. Now, tlie truth is, our anti
podes, if we have any, are move than
three thousand mi es from any part of"
China. A little reflection will show
that if a might line extend from any
point iu the Northern Hemisphere and
through the centre of tlie earth it roust
meet the opposite surface as far south of
the equator as the starting-point was
north ot that circle. Hence we should
find our atpodes at about 40 deg.
south latitude, and, of course, at a lon
gitude differ ing from ours by 180 deg.
I said onr antipodes, if we have any,
for it so happens that the whole region
antipodal to this we occupy lies in the
southern portion of the . lidiau Ocean,
with scarcely an island to hold an anti-pode-
Tle country mt nearly anti
podal to this is Western Australia, and
to make the location more definite, it
may be stated that Albany, a town and
seaport in the southwestern part of"
West Australia, is antipodal to a point
in the Atlantic Ocean, about five hun
dred m i'es east of! Norfolk, Va., and
that the island ot St, Paul, lying mid
way between Australia and the Cape of
3ood Hope, is antipodal to a point in
Eastern Colorado, not far from Pike'
Peak, or Coloiado City.
All men are not: lionuba Kui
- - niUQ-
meit are home less than others.
There isn't much red tape io the En
glish army. If a soldier wants a pair
of shoes his application must pass four
teen different signatures.
Il would have ben worth whi!e for
Harriet Beeetier Stowe to remain North
until January 15th for tlie sake of slid
ing down hill ou plank.
Tweed wiU soon pick up hit lost
avoirdupois. Fried oysters thtee tiroes
per day and regular hours tor eorainj
home night will do tlie work.
An American lady can dress nicety
in Paris on $300 per year, if she will be.
co- lent with six pairs ot stockings,
bonnet and a belt ribbon. - .
.... Walker, the Ami Masonie candidate
for President got 75 votes in Ohio
which, says the Trinity Journal givea
us tlie census ot Uie number ot id iota
not under restraint in the Buckeye
State. ... : .. ti ' J
A gentleman presented a lace collar
to the t bject of his adoration, and in s
jocular way said, "Do not let any one
else rumple it." "No dear" said the
lady, "I will uke it off."
To change the latest style of ladyV
hat is readily accomplished bow by
a mply unshipping tlie bustle and trans,
ferring it to the , top of the wearer,
A tremendous "Amen" from his vast
congregation followed Mr. Sporgeoa
prayer the other day that the Turke
might soou be driven out of Europe, audi
the whole of tle Mohammedan power
swept away from, the face of the earttw -
Cbarlks MTell me, Laura, why
that sadneM f TaII m . .t... . !
of care ? Why Km fled that look oi
glaum: ma my iace was wont to
WitA "Charles, tis l
dissemble; mllm tA M .
r - j wear
rrown, for I've lost my largest hair-pin.
ud my chingnou's coming down P
Be frugal, not mean patient, not
subtle ; complaisant, not servile ; active
in business, but not its slave. There are
also tour other habits that are essential.
Iy necessary to the happy management
of temporal concern ; these are puoctu
a.ity, accuracy, steadiness aud dispatch.