The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18??, April 28, 1876, Image 1

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NO. 32
business Cards.
Wholesale and Retail Dealer in
: CHT COOwS, '
First street, Attmay, rro.
Terms :
St. Charles Hotel,
Onir WaalUmotea anw Firs HM
Matthews & Morrison,
House newly furnished tlirooffhottt. The
beat the market affords always on the table,
rm fasten to ua froaa the Hew g.
Dealers in
y m tr Q- O O J JE .
CfathtaK, Bawta and Kb, Hats, Uraee
rlw, ranry UeaAh Ketiwim, Miotyua
ausal ritI, Jgaila, Kopf Mirrara,
Waltaaiwr, Waad anal Wtllaw"
Win, Trati Us aiad Valises,
aeket Cwtlerjr, Ac.
Sold very low either fw cash, or to prompt pay
n33 ia: camouiers on time. v7
Raising and Moving KuiIHns.
tnnonnoa to the citizens of Albany and
aurronndintr country that, having supplied our
wives witn the necessary machinery for rais
ing and removing buildings, we are ready at all
times to receive orders for such work, which
we will do in short order at lowest rates. We
guarantee entire satisfaction in all work under
taken by us.
Orders left at the Register office promptly
attentedto. Apply to.
Or., April S3. 1875. Sfc-v7
O. SS- S. OO.
. ilior notice, freight from
All down freUrht will be delivered at PORT-
Free of Irojage and Wliarfage,
At Reduced Rates.
Boats will leave ALBANY for COBVALLIS or
xr ory
JO a. y -
Tor further partkriilars, apply to
Albany, Nov. 2d, A
stock of . .
elected with care, and bought for coin at
Scandalously l.ow Figures
and as we bought low we can and will sell them
at prices that will
Astonish Everybody.
Cozne and see oar selections of
Pre doatla,
rf Minnies,
Haraetllea, ' '
Papain, V -
Xxlfeloni, Collars, Collarettes,
Laces, Ac., &e,
for the ladies, and our complete lines of
Readymade Clothing,
, CfetlosUMlea, '
' f aaaloserea,
ofall descriptions for men and boys. Also, full
assortments of
GKceries, Crccliry and Glassware.
or everybody."
The test poods, at the lowest rales every time.
K -.SCome and see. -Lebanon
. Oregon. October SO. 1874.
Furniture Warerboms.
HAVING purchased the entire Interest of O.
Collar in the late firm of Oraf Collar, In
the farnitnre business, tslcea this opportunity
to return Ma thanks to the cittxens of Albany
and Tfelnity who have so jreneroasly Tr2n"
lased him in the past, and respectfully a a
con i.1 nuance of tbe same. &S" All kinds of tar
ni(,re kept on hand and uuukufoctured toorder
at lowest rate. 4&EDGBAF.
Atoauy, Nor. 12-v8n3
111 Hcuss & Earner Shop.
- l-.flv tttnrs tlie citizens of Ai'tmn and vl
i y for tlx Siw.iiti tit,!xnn'j;e lieTowxl on
1 t Si r the past seven vears, and hopes for the
- a, ci..juuaUoa of their favors. For the
- ' -i -on of transient eostomers, and
'! - i - I) fjxM pssrl of town, . ii'S rmeif
ui ii',.atuopnut ouor lo rin lr !.
i,W!ieigooi wiU always be
. :r'.'!nf to wnil upon natrnnn.
sc. ii, WJt, ;
New York, April 8, 1876.
It is finally settled who will write tlie
poem tor the Centenuial opening. The
compliment of being requested to write
it has been passed around among the
elder poets of the country, and declined
by each with thauks in turn. Mr. Bry
ant considered that his years ought to
exempt him from the taek. Mr. Wbit
ticr never writes odes or occasions, and
it would be contrary to the habit of his
life to do such a thing. Mr, Longtel.
low bates writing to order. Mr. Low.
ell declined, and tbe laureate's duty has
at last been assumed by'tbe man who
of American writers is most capable of
turning out the highest work, as one
may say, under com pulsion Mr. Bay.
ard Taylor. There is one poet who
would have written up to the style of
the occasion not Bayard Taylor, but
B. F. Taylor who has the finest flow
of florid English in verse, adapted to
the general contour ot the performance,
who would have burned red lights and
blue in numbers that would have soar
ed and swelled and streamed like a
holiday banner. I dare say that all the
otlier poets would have been gl?d to
relinquish tbe task to biro, and he
would not have done the time and au
dience discredit.
The real estate agents are playing a
hopless game before the first of May,
trying to get as near the old rents as
possible, but the tenants have the best
of it, and something like this course of
proceeding goes on. The tenant aks
tor lower rent; agent ot course declines
and posts a bill on the house "to rent.'
Say the holder has been paying $2,700
tor the last three years; he now wants
to pay only $1,700. For the first two
weeks he don't do much toward look
ing fbr a new place fur himself, and
agent sticks out pretty well, till tenant
actually goes to whitestone, Newaik.or
some other place of cheap rents to hire
a house. The day after he gets home
the agent calls around early to say civ.
ily that it don't seem worth wh.le to
make a change, as they have been on
good terms so long, the may have
the house at his owu offer for a year
but he must expect a raise next May.
lie keeps his house, hugs himself at
getting his own price, aud calculates
that he will get a new pailor carpet,
risking the very hazy idea ot having to
move in earnest next year. .Agents may
talk about next year for a generation to
come; nobody is afraid of them just
now. Wly should they be, when
stores that rented for $14,000 within
three years and last year for $7,500,
tumble this year to $5,000 ? The build
ing occupied by a well-known dry
goods firm year before last rented for
$28,000. They offered $15,000 for it
last year, which was indignantly refus
ed, and they moved out. The building
stood empty all last season, and the
owners would be very glad to let it fbr
$12,000 to-day. Things don't fall in
such a way to get up again in any one
year.' -
New York will be mors of a point
of attraction this year than Philadel
phia. Everybody will, of course, go to
Philadelphia and see the Exposition
then they will come to New York and
see the metropolis. I want to notify
vicitors that they may come to New
York and sUfy here long enough to see
the city, thoroughly, at a not very large
expense. Avoid tbe large hotels, avoid
the small ones, and, above all, avoid the
European hotels. In brief, dodge the
hotels altogether. - Go to boarding-
houses, where you can live from five to
six dollars a week, and be tolerably well
taken care of. At least you will get all
you can eat and good, clean, comfbrta
ble beds. These houses can be found
anywhere below Fourteenth streeteitber
east or west of Broadway, and tbe visi
tor whose ability to pay is limited can
be accommodated at anj price desira
ble. .Those who have money will, of
course, go to the first-class hotels and
be bled for the style of tbe thing, but
it ia unnecessary. : Stylish boarding.
bosses can be found at from $10 to $12
per week, in the vicinity of Lafayette
Place and Tenth street; or, fbr the mat
ter ot that, oo all the streets in that vi
cinity. And let me say right here,tha
when you come to New York next
summtr, come prepared to stay long
enough to see what a great city really
is. Walking down Broadway and
going up to Central Park is not seeing
New York. You want to get down in
among the poor; you want to see the
shipping; Wall street ought to take up
two days; and the u you ought to pene
trate the ititerior of tbe great business
warehouses in the lower part of the
city, aud see something of the magni
tude of their opeiations. By all means
get into the inside of such an establish
ment as Harper's, and go over to Sta
ten Island and up the East River, that
you may enjoy the finest" water-view in
the world and the finest suburban resi
dences'' wouldn't hurt you any "to
spend a day or two at Long Branch to
to see the frivolity of a summer water
ing-place. All this can be done tor a
very little money if you only know how.
Your wives and daughters will, of
course, want to see Stewart's aud tbe
great jewelry b tores ; and if you have
any taste fbr art,the picture galleries are
open all the time. To do this cheaply,
go to the boarding-houses to live, use
the street cars and stages, and by no
means allow yourself to be seduced into
a carriage or a cab. Street cars run
everywhere in the city indeed, on
some ot the lines you may ride seven
miles fbr five cents. And on Sundays
of course you will want to hear Beech-
er, Tyng, Frothingham fcijd a dozen
more of the great lights with which the
city abounds, and in all their churches
you will find plenty of tree pews and
good, Christian courtesy and considera
tion. In all the metropolitan churches
especial pains are taken to make stran
gers entirely welcome and at their ea.
By the way, don't fail to attend service
once, at least, in old Trinity, where yon
will hear the best church music in the
city. Come, by all means, aud have a
good time.
Is slowly improving, but it is nothing
to speak ot; the conn try merchants are
hero in some force, but they are buying
very closely, as all of them believe that
prices have ii6t as yet ttmck bottom.
The failures for the week aggregate 123,
none of them very large. As an evi
dence ot the closeness in business mat
ters, there are 1G4 empty stores be
tween fche Post O trice and 14th st., and
they are lively to stay empty for some
time to come. They cannot be rented,
for there is no business to do in them
There will be no building of any conse
quence this season, tor there arc thou
sands of empty houses.
The city had a scare this week. The
appropriation tor the expenses ot public
buildings being all exhausted, and Con
gress having made no provision fbr such
an emergency, the postmaster here was
notified to cut off the gas, water
and fuel. This of course meant cessa
tion ot business in the post-office, and
a virtual closing of it. The city took
alarm, Postmaster James was helpless,
and for a day it seemed very likely
that the city would be without portal
facilities. Imagine the consequences of
closing the New York post-office J The
business of the whole country passes
through it, aud the effect would be felt
from Maine to Texas. But New York
was equal to the emergency ; the gas
companies authorized Mr. James to go
on, they taking their chances ot getting
their pay from the government, the wa
ter board ' did likewise, and , the mer
chants pledged money enough to pay
other expenses till the government
could turn itself. So we get our letters
as usual.
are worse than was supposed when be
got away. He has swindled his old
stepmother out of every dollar she had
in the world, and the daughter of Miles
O'Riley loses everything, as l.e was the
trustee of her deceased father's estate,
This villain ran away owing quite
$200,000, and the terrible feature of it
is, that this money was almost entirely
trust-funds, placed in his control because
of bis reputation i fbr iutecrity. He
sold mortgages and bonds belonging to
estates, and squandered the money in a
most reckless manner. As he was re
pated to be rich no one objected to ; his
high living, and no one thought it
singular; but since his departure it has
been discovered that he never had any
thing that his whole lite was an im
posture, lie was a judge, and bad held
many positions of honor and profit, and
ep to the very day of his flight could
have been elected to any position in the
gift of the people. There seems to be
an epidemic of scoundrel ism just now.
The spring opous rather late after
all, but the new bonnets are out, and
for- the benefit of my, lady readers I
hasten to tell them do. to buy scoop
bonnets, (unless they are more becoming
than any other,) for,-the newest and
cLoiccst style isa snug little Parisian
shape with high square crown, and close
brim, sloping very narrow toward, the
back, crown and brim being an inch
smaller than last year's shape, and ever
so much more becoming, having a pe
culiarly neat aud mod est appearance on
the head, as I, though a mere male
mortal, can testify from"ispecUoBr The
ladies say that they cany tell the shape
as far as they can see ii, for it is so much
prettier than the spreading, flaring bon
nets of home design. ' It seems that no
sooner does a peculiarly happy French
design get over here, than our designers,
as they say, begin to adapt it to Ameri
can tastes, in which it loses all its. dis
tinctive grace and effect.
This particular fashion, I am told, is
only to be found at the importers, so I
advise ladies to insist on their milliners
selecting it for them when they go "on
to buy goods. Rough and ready straws,
in close forms, small and becoming, will
be a stylish bonuet this season, and
there is a satin-finished. French rough
straw, of beautiful design, that is the
prettiest thing out in bonnets in a mas
culine eye, it is so unpretending with all
its style. As usual, this choice simplicity
is not economical; an ontrimmed hat of
this sort costing $5, and the wreath of
wheat or. oats which trims it as. much
more. Rattier coarse, unfinished chips
ot a light ecru color, are the stylish
dress hats either in the scoop or the
other Bhape, and scarfs of yellow net,
ace, or wide crape-like silk ribbon, with
wreaths and masses of fine flowers on
or about the crown are tbe favorite
trimming. Pietro.
1 be "Victory" Printing- Machine.
I yesterday (Dec; 8) saw the " Vic
tory" printing and folding machine at
work at the office of the Globe a. very
different paper, by-the-way, to the To
ronto sheet. This proudly-named press
is certainly a wonderful affair, and be
tween admiring it and listening to the
interesting remarks ot the manner of
the press department, Mr. Ford, 1 spent
a very pleasant half-bonr. I saw the
machine run to nearly its highest rate
of speed- that is to say it printed and
delivered fuhled papers at the rate of
close upon SilhUUO copies per hour, iliis
combination of the two operations of
printing and folding is claimed to be
peculiar to the " Victory" machine. The
folding apparatus is very, compact, and
altogether, viewing the "Victory" from
my point ot view, as "a general ob
server," I hhould say it is pretty near
perfection. -
The Globe, which is an evening pa
per, is the only London daily that is de
livered to the newsdealers folded, though
the practice is quite the rule ia the
rtovince. J? olding is scarcely neces
sary in the case cf a moruipg paper ot
very large circulation ; but I team that
Jtmes people are Hanking ot lol
lowing the example of the Globe hi this
respect. Wonderful as the "Victory"
is in its simple form as a printing and
folding machrne, it is much more re
markable as constituted ; tor the New
York Christian, i Union. This publi
cation is about the size of the Graphic,
twenty-tour pages, with an illustrated
cover, the whole being; pasted together.
The machine recently sent to New York
nas a smaller press at the end, where
upon is printed the said cover at such a
rate that it is ready i to receive the
twentr-fbur Daces of letterrr8s as thev
are delivered, folded, and pasted. -Finally,
passing through two spring rol
lers, the work ia issued, bound and fin
ished, without being touched by hand.
I am iiot aware of the next improve
ment in store for the priuting" world,
but I suppose it is safe to conclude that
somebody is meditating how to beat the
v ictory even hi its triple character as
a printing, toldiugr and bind inz machine
London Correspondence Montreal
Puzzles in Spelling and Pro
nouncing. There is a word of only
five letters, and it you take away two
of them, ten will remain ; what word is
mat r it is often, r r
There is a word of five letters, aud
if you take two of them away - six wiil
remain: wliat is it?,' Sixty.
? Take away my first letter, take away
my second letter, take away all my let
ters, ana l am always the same. Can
you guess that? It it the mail-carrier.
Can you tell me what letter it is that
has never been uescl but twice in Amer
ica? it is A; it is only used twice iu
America. ;
Spell the fate of ail earthly things in
two letters? D 1L (decay).
WLat word h tilway3 pronounced
fester by addirn two loiters to it? The
word fast.
Whst is cf cm eytlylU, which,
if you tako avray two L ttc-ra from it,
will become a word of two pyllab'-s?
Plague; take away j ?il it Ltic-raes
The Rink or Klirlia.
rXhc skating fever in England, or riuk-
iii", as Punch terms it. luis been the cause
ot many poetic effusions, but none that
will be more appreciated by those who
have "sat down in a hurry," than the fol
lowing from the Sporting Gazette:
One more unfortunate
Knocked out ot breath,
'Rashly importunate,"
' Jealously saith.
Lift lier up tenderry.
Mind her back hair ;
Fashioned so tenderly
Fetch her a chair. -Burst
are tier garments.
Hanging in cerements,
While buttons constantly
Fall from her clothing.
Take her up instantly
Loving, not lothbig ;
ScomfiiUy touch her not,
Think of the bump she got.
All through those witeels of tiers
,r YVlik-hsbe used kUlingly,
And those high heels of hers,
Sat sue unwillingly. r
She in a mess is
AM thiug3 betoken.
And spoilt her gay dress is,
While wonderment guesses :
"Are the bones broken ?"
"JVho is her milliner !"
"Has site a glover?"
P'raps a two shilliner ;
"Or has she a dearer one,
Still ?" P'raps a nearer one,
Gifts from her lover !
Take her up tenderly,
Hind her back hair ;
Fashioned so sleuderly
Fetch her a chair. --
Can't she sit down on it?
Is she in pain ?
True, sfie don't frown on it
"Shan't rink agaiu."
Mark Tnaln'a Duel.
The only merit I claim for the follow
ing narrative is that it is a true story.
It has a moral on the end of it, but I
claim nothing on that, as it is merely
thrown in to carry favor with the relig
ious element.
Alter I had reported a couple of
years on the Virginia City (Nev.) Dai
ly Enterprise they prom ted me to be
Editor-iu-l hief ; and I lasted just a
week by the watch. But I made an
uncommonly .lively newspaper while I
did last, and when I retired I had a
duel on my hands aud three horsewhip
pings promised me.
The latter I made no attempt to col
lect ; however, this story concerns only
the former. It was the old "flush
times" of the silver excitement, when
the population was wonderfully wild
aud mixed ; every bodyuwent armed to
the teeth, and all slights and insults
had to be atoned for with the best article
of blood your system could furnish. In
the course ot my editing I made trouble
with a Mr. Ixrd, the editor ot a rival
paper. He flew up about some little
trifle or other that I said about bun I
do not remember now what it wa v I
suppose I trailed him a thief, or a body
snatcher, or an idiot, or something like
that ; I was obliged to make the paper
readable, and I couldn't fail in my duty
to a whole community of subscribers
merely to save the exaggerated sensi
tiveness of an individual. Mr. Lord was
olFeuded, and replied vigorously in his
paper. Vigorously means a great deal
when it refers to a personal editorial in
a frontier newspaper. Dueling was all
the fashion among the upper classes in
that country, and very few geutlemen
would throw away the opportunity of
fighting one. To kill one man iu a
duel caused a man to be eyen more look
ed up to than to kill two men in the
ordinary way. Well, out there it you
abused a mau and that man did not like
it, you had to call him out and kill Lim,
otherwise yon would be disgraced. So
I challenged Mr. Lord, and I did hope
he would not accept ; but I knew per
fectly well that he did not want to fight,
and so I challenged him in the most
violent and implacable manner. And
then I sat down and snuffed and snuffed
till the answer came. All the boys
the editors -were in the office "helping"
me in the dismal business, and telling
about duels aud discussing the code
with a lot of aged ruffians, who had
experience in such matters, and alto
gether there was a loving interest takeu
in the matter that made me unspeak
ably uncomfbriable. The answer came
Mr. Lord declined. Our boys were
furious, aud so was I on the surface.
,1 sent him another challenge, aud
another, aud the more he did not want
to fight the more blood thirsty I be
came. But at last the man's tone be
gan to change. He appeared' to be
waking up. It was becoming apparent
that he was going to fight me, after all.
I ought to have known bow it would
be he was a man who could never be
depended upon. Our boys were jubi
lant. I was not though I tried hard to
be. -It
was now the time to go out and
practice. It was the custom there to
fight .duels with navy six-shooters at
fifteen paces load aud empty till the
game for the funeral was securce. We
weDt to a ravine just out of. town and
borrowed a barn door for a target
borrowed it from a gentleman who was
absent and we stood his barn door up,
and stood a rail on the end against the
middle of it to represeut Lord, and put
a squash on top ot tbe rail to represent
the hed. He was a very tall, lean
creature, tbe poorest sort of material for
a , duel ; nothing but a line shot could
fetch him, and even then he might split
your bullet. " Exaggeration aside, the
rail was, of course, a little too thin to
represent the body accurately, but the
squash was all right, lfthere was any
intellectual difference between the
squash aad bis head it was iu favor of
tbe snnasb. '
WO, X practiced and practiced at the
barn door and could not hit that ; and
I tried for the sqnah aud could not hit
pat. I would Lave been entirely dis
heartened but that occasionally I crip
pled one of tho boys, and that gave me
At last we begin to hear pistol shots
in the next ravine. We knew what
that meant ! The other party was out,
practicing too. Then I was iu tlie last
degree distressed, for of course they
would hear our shots and then send over
the ridge, and the 6pies would find my
barn door without a wound or mark,
and that would simply be an end to
me ; for ot course the other man would
immediately Jsecome as bloodthirsty as
I was.
Just at that moment a little bird no
larger than a sparrow flow by and lit
on a bush about 30 paces away, and
my little second, Steve Gills, ' who was
a dead shot with a pistol much better
than I was snatched out his re volver
aud shot the. bird's; head, off,! Wft all
ran to, pick-up Hie game,, and sure
enough,' just'at this" 'moment,' some ot
the other duelists came reconnoitering
over the little ridge. - They ran to our
group to see what the matter was, and
when they raw the bird Lord's second
said : ;
"That was a splendid sboL Ho ,v
far off was it 1" - .
Steve said with some indifference : ,
"Oh, no great distance. About 30
"Thirty paces! Heavens alive! Who
did it?" ,,
"My man twain."
'The mischief be did ! Can he do it
" Well, yes. " lie cau do it about four
times out of five "
I knew the. little rascal was lying,
but I. never said any tiling. I never
told him so. He was not of a disposi
tion to invite confidences of that kind,
so I let tho matter , rest. But it was a
comfort to see these people look sick
and see their iaws drop when Steve
made that statement. They went off
andgot Lord aud took him home;
when he got home, halt an, hour Iatcr,
there was a note saying that Mr. Lord
peremptorily declined to fiirht.
We found out afterward that Lord
hit hi3 mark thirteen times ia eighteen
shots if ho had put those thirteen bul
lets into me it would have narrowed
my sphere of- usefulness a good deal.
True they could have put pegs iu the
holes and used me for a hat-rack ; but
what is a hat rack to a man who feels
lie has intellectual ltowers ?
I have written this true incident of
my history for one purpose only to
warn the youth of to-day against the
practice of dueling, and to p:eadv with
them to wafagainst it." I was young
and foolish when I challenged the gen
tleman, and thought it very fine and
grand to be a duelist and stand upon
the- "held ot honor." But I am older
aud more experienced now, and am in
flexibly opposed to the dreadful custom.
I am glad, indeed, to bo enabled to lift
np my voice against it. 1 thi'ik it is a
bad, immoral thing. It is every man's
duty to do all he cau to discourage du
eling. ,
If a man were to challenge me I
would go to that man and take hini by
the baud and lead him to a retired
room and kill -him.
A Mysterious llirfti and a C'herberetl
The following biography is from the
Sonera Democrat; "We are called
upon to record tlie death of John ,S.
Nugent, an old and well-known -resident
of Columbia, in this county. His
career was some what checkered, and the
mystery Eurroundmg his birth almost
verges upon romanticism. lie was
b-rn in Dublin about 1S07, and was
consequently C8 years ot age. lie ob
tained his education in tho Dublin Uni
versity, his exjenses being defrayed
with funds from an unknown .source.
During bis boyhood he went to Ja
maica, aud afterwards emigrated to
New York, where he was enabled
through the generous pecuniary aid of
his unknown friends to enter into a
thriving wine business. While in New
York he married Miss Fox, daughter
ot a merchant of the firm of Fox, Bar
clay & Livingston. A sou by this
marriage is n&w a prominent young
lawyer in Utah. ' After his wife's death
Nugent came to California, having. in
his possession $50,000, the bulk ot
which he lost in San Francisco. V With
the remnant of his fortune he purchased
a yacht and sailed for the Society Isl
ands, Ins little vessel being in command
of Captain William H. Clark, now a
resident of Sonora. Returning to So-
nora be drifted to 1 nolnmueaiid settled
in Columbia in 1854, where he remained
until about six- months ago, when
through a geueral debility and constitu
tional decline, his mind cave way and
he was sent to the Tnsane Asylum at
fctockton, where he died last Saturday.
nu-was very reticent in regard to his
birth . and parents, alleging that he
knew very little in regard to the mat
ter; but from varuo hints, cominor from
nobody knows where, "it has always
been the general ' belief of his friends
lhat be was the natural sou of George
IV of England, by bis morganatic mar
riage with the actress, Mrs. Fitzjaraes.
If this is true, another paragraph may
ba inserted in the celebrated 'Memoiis. "
A Professor asked his class, "What
is me aurora c
A student, scratching his head, re
plied : '
"Well, professor, I did know, buffi
have forgotten." .
"Well, that is sad, very sad," re
plied tbe professor. "The only man ia
tbe world that ever knew has forgotten
it." -
Take tlie Pnprr.
Read, ponder and pay up ! Why
don't you take tlie papere? they're the
lite of my delight, except about election
time, and then I read for spite. Sub.
scribe, you cannot lose a cent; why
should you be afraid ? for cash thus
spent is money lent at interest, four-to Id
paid, Go then, and take the papers,
and pay to-day, nor pay delay, and my
word it is inferred, you'll live until
you're gray. An old neighbor of mii.e,
while dying of a cough, desired to hear
the latest news while he was going off.
I took the paper and I read of Come
new pills in force; he bought a'box
and ho is dead jno liearly as a horse.
I knew two men as muchi alike aa e'er-
you saw two stumps r" and no phrenolo
gist could find a difference in their
bumps.' One takes the paper and bis
life is happier than a king's, bis chil
dren can all read and write, and dream
c , .i ' ' ' 'r . l" . ,
oi men snu tilings, x ue otner iook no
paper, and, while strolling through tho
wood, a tree fell down and broke his.
crown, and killed him " very good."
Had he beer? reading all tbe news, at
home like his neighbor Jim, I'll, bet a
cent that accident would not have hap
pened bim, for he who takes the paper,
and pays his bill when due, can live ia
peace with every man, and with tho
printer too.
Wanted to he aa Edltar.
f,IIave you had any experience in the-
business ?" we asked of a verdant look
ing youth who applied for an' editorial
position the o'lierday:"
"Haven 1 1 though T lie replied as
he shoved one foot under his chair to
hide the unskillful patching of a back
woods cobbler. "I should say I'd had
some experience haven't I correspond,
ed with the JFumpkincille Screamer
for six weeks ? Ham t that experience
enough ?"
"T hat will do very well," we replied.
"but when we. take young men on our
editorial staff, we generally put them
through an examination. How much
are twelve times oner
to an" : '
i, IT . t 1 1 1 ,.P.t- .
lioiu on. Dirase uuii iw luu lank-
who discovered Aiassw -S?'-" "'
"Klumbus? Pshaw, them questions -
"Who was the first man?"
"Adam ! why Mister, I know all"-
"What was his other name?"
"His other came?" why hedidnH
have none." j
"Yes, he did. You see that's where
we've got you. His other name was -
Ebenezer Ebenezer Adam, Esq., late-
of Paradise. Nolnxly knows this but
editors, and see to it that you don't tell;
any body."
He said he wouidn t.
"How many bones are there in tlie
human body ?"
"Well, I forgot now, but I did know
" What don't you know that ?
Why there's 7,482,921,444 bones in an
ordinary man. A rhsn that snores has
one bone more than other people." .
" v hat bone is that f "
"The trombone. It ia situated some
where in the nose. You won't forget-
that, will you?" . ':.;-'
He said he wouldn't. v .
"How long would it take a rand-turtle
to cross the desert of Sahara with a
small orphan boy to touch him up be
hind with a red-liot poker?"
"Well, look here, Mister, if I had a
s'ale aud cncil I could figger that out,
but dog my skin u I'm much on mental,
"Slate and pencil 1 Did vou ever
see a slate and pencil about a sanctum ?
ell, we 11 : let that question slip.
Have you got a good constitution?"
"Putty tolerable." n
"How long do you suppose you could'
live on raw corn and faith, and do tho
work of a domesticated elephant?"
i ...I I T A r ii i- .
UWIU UUU v ucwio jl cuuiu lite
mor'n a week." 5 . , n ;
"Well, that's about as long as you'd
want to live it yon got an editorial to
silion on this paper. You appear to b j
pretty well posted ; -we shall ask you
one more question, and it you prove
equal, toil you can lake off your coat
and sail in." ,
"Let's have 'er 'squire. I didn't cor.
respond tor the Pumpkinv Me Scream er
six weeks for not!) in. ; Let 'er com.:
I'm on deck, I am."
"Well, sir, if two diametrical circlet)
with octagonal peripheries should collide
with a centrifugal idiosyncrasy, or, to
put it plainer, we'll say a disenfranchis
ed nonentity, what effect would tbe
catastrophe exert on a crystallized cod
fish suspended by the tail from the
homogeneous rafters ot the empyrean V
As the f nil force of this ponderous
problem broke upon his bewildered
brain, he slowly dragged his insrtif tical.
ly cobbled shoe from under his cfiair
and started from the room. We heard
liim descend the stairs, go out, and close
the door. ''We then placidly resumed
our duties, regretting that so promising
a youth should have been weighed w
the balances and found wanting.-
J-Vanklin 1'atriot.
On ; April 10th Mr. II. Bundy, of
Junction City, sold bis farm, near 2Z?n
roe, BeDton .couoty consistir cf ZiO
acres well-improved with good ttili,.
ins, etc., for. 10,000..