VOLUME VIII. ALBANY, OREGON, APRIL 28, 1876 NO. 32 business Cards. SAMUEL. E. YOUNG, Wholesale and Retail Dealer in : CHT COOwS, ' CLQTE1U.S, OEOCEHIES, COOTS & SHOES, THRESHERS, REAPERS & MOWERS, WAGONS, PLOWS, SEED DRILLS, 1R0ADSST SEED LOWERS, ETC. First street, Attmay, rro. Terms : Cash. u?Ov7 St. Charles Hotel, Onir WaalUmotea anw Firs HM ALBANY, OREGON, Matthews & Morrison, PROPRIETORS, House newly furnished tlirooffhottt. The beat the market affords always on the table, rm fasten to ua froaa the Hew g. IV C. HARPER. A CO., Dealers in y m tr Q- O O J JE . CfathtaK, Bawta and Kb, Hats, Uraee rlw, ranry UeaAh Ketiwim, Miotyua ausal ritI, Jgaila, Kopf Mirrara, Waltaaiwr, Waad anal Wtllaw" Win, Trati Us aiad Valises, aeket Cwtlerjr, Ac. Sold very low either fw cash, or to prompt pay n33 ia: camouiers on time. v7 Raising and Moving KuiIHns. WE THE CNDERSKiNEl BEG LEAVETO tnnonnoa to the citizens of Albany and aurronndintr country that, having supplied our wives witn the necessary machinery for rais ing and removing buildings, we are ready at all times to receive orders for such work, which we will do in short order at lowest rates. We guarantee entire satisfaction in all work under taken by us. Orders left at the Register office promptly attentedto. Apply to. Alba. BANTY, ALLEN A CO. Or., April S3. 1875. Sfc-v7 O. SS- S. OO. IT ROM AN D AFTKK KATE, UNTIL FUR . ilior notice, freight from PORTLAND to AIBAX1 WILL BE OH DOLLAR PER TOX All down freUrht will be delivered at PORT- LASD or ASIOBU Free of Irojage and Wliarfage, At Reduced Rates. Boats will leave ALBANY for COBVALLIS or PORTLAND xr ory JO a. y - Tor further partkriilars, apply to BEACH fc JlONTEITir, Albany, Nov. 2d, A CSAS. B. MOMAGCt BUST. MVAMEV. B105TAGLE & McCALLEY, ABB NOW OPENING A MAGNIFICENT stock of . . FALL A3D WINTER GOODS ! elected with care, and bought for coin at Scandalously l.ow Figures and as we bought low we can and will sell them at prices that will Astonish Everybody. Cozne and see oar selections of Pre doatla, Jspaacs ffhawla, rf Minnies, Haraetllea, ' ' Papain, V - y.wstrea, Xxlfeloni, Collars, Collarettes, Laces, Ac., &e, for the ladies, and our complete lines of Readymade Clothing, Hosiery, , CfetlosUMlea, ' ' f aaaloserea, (1ot, ClM. Hat, ofall descriptions for men and boys. Also, full assortments of GKceries, Crccliry and Glassware. or everybody." The test poods, at the lowest rales every time. K -.SCome and see. -Lebanon . Oregon. October SO. 1874. Furniture Warerboms. FRED GRAF, HAVING purchased the entire Interest of O. Collar in the late firm of Oraf Collar, In the farnitnre business, tslcea this opportunity to return Ma thanks to the cittxens of Albany and Tfelnity who have so jreneroasly Tr2n" lased him in the past, and respectfully a a con i.1 nuance of tbe same. &S" All kinds of tar ni(,re kept on hand and uuukufoctured toorder at lowest rate. 4&EDGBAF. Atoauy, Nor. 12-v8n3 111 Hcuss & Earner Shop. npTTS 5TXDEHIGNSD WOULD KESPBCT - l-.flv tttnrs tlie citizens of Ai'tmn and vl i y for tlx Siw.iiti tit,!xnn'j;e lieTowxl on 1 t Si r the past seven vears, and hopes for the - a, ci..juuaUoa of their favors. For the - ' -i -on of transient eostomers, and '! - i - I) fjxM pssrl of town, . ii'S rmeif ui ii',.atuopnut ouor lo rin lr !. i,W!ieigooi workn.an wiU always be . :r'.'!nf to wnil upon natrnnn. sc. ii, WJt, ; JOK WE5SEE. OUR SEW YORK LETTEK. THE CENTENNIAL POEM RENTS AND HOUSES -THE CENTENNIAL BUSI- K ESS POSTAL TROUBLES THE DE FALCATION OF JUDGE BARRETT THE FASHIONS. New York, April 8, 1876. THE CENTENNIAL POEM. It is finally settled who will write tlie poem tor the Centenuial opening. The compliment of being requested to write it has been passed around among the elder poets of the country, and declined by each with thauks in turn. Mr. Bry ant considered that his years ought to exempt him from the taek. Mr. Wbit ticr never writes odes or occasions, and it would be contrary to the habit of his life to do such a thing. Mr, Longtel. low bates writing to order. Mr. Low. ell declined, and tbe laureate's duty has at last been assumed by'tbe man who of American writers is most capable of turning out the highest work, as one may say, under com pulsion Mr. Bay. ard Taylor. There is one poet who would have written up to the style of the occasion not Bayard Taylor, but B. F. Taylor who has the finest flow of florid English in verse, adapted to the general contour ot the performance, who would have burned red lights and blue in numbers that would have soar ed and swelled and streamed like a holiday banner. I dare say that all the otlier poets would have been gl?d to relinquish tbe task to biro, and he would not have done the time and au dience discredit. RENTS AND HOUSES. The real estate agents are playing a hopless game before the first of May, trying to get as near the old rents as possible, but the tenants have the best of it, and something like this course of proceeding goes on. The tenant aks tor lower rent; agent ot course declines and posts a bill on the house "to rent.' Say the holder has been paying $2,700 tor the last three years; he now wants to pay only $1,700. For the first two weeks he don't do much toward look ing fbr a new place fur himself, and agent sticks out pretty well, till tenant actually goes to whitestone, Newaik.or some other place of cheap rents to hire a house. The day after he gets home the agent calls around early to say civ. ily that it don't seem worth wh.le to make a change, as they have been on good terms so long, the tctia.it may have the house at his owu offer for a year but he must expect a raise next May. lie keeps his house, hugs himself at getting his own price, aud calculates that he will get a new pailor carpet, risking the very hazy idea ot having to move in earnest next year. .Agents may talk about next year for a generation to come; nobody is afraid of them just now. Wly should they be, when stores that rented for $14,000 within three years and last year for $7,500, tumble this year to $5,000 ? The build ing occupied by a well-known dry goods firm year before last rented for $28,000. They offered $15,000 for it last year, which was indignantly refus ed, and they moved out. The building stood empty all last season, and the owners would be very glad to let it fbr $12,000 to-day. Things don't fall in such a way to get up again in any one year.' - THE CENTENNIAL. New York will be mors of a point of attraction this year than Philadel phia. Everybody will, of course, go to Philadelphia and see the Exposition then they will come to New York and see the metropolis. I want to notify vicitors that they may come to New York and sUfy here long enough to see the city, thoroughly, at a not very large expense. Avoid tbe large hotels, avoid the small ones, and, above all, avoid the European hotels. In brief, dodge the hotels altogether. - Go to boarding- houses, where you can live from five to six dollars a week, and be tolerably well taken care of. At least you will get all you can eat and good, clean, comfbrta ble beds. These houses can be found anywhere below Fourteenth streeteitber east or west of Broadway, and tbe visi tor whose ability to pay is limited can be accommodated at anj price desira ble. .Those who have money will, of course, go to the first-class hotels and be bled for the style of tbe thing, but it ia unnecessary. : Stylish boarding. bosses can be found at from $10 to $12 per week, in the vicinity of Lafayette Place and Tenth street; or, fbr the mat ter ot that, oo all the streets in that vi cinity. And let me say right here,tha when you come to New York next summtr, come prepared to stay long enough to see what a great city really is. Walking down Broadway and going up to Central Park is not seeing New York. You want to get down in among the poor; you want to see the shipping; Wall street ought to take up two days; and the u you ought to pene trate the ititerior of tbe great business warehouses in the lower part of the city, aud see something of the magni tude of their opeiations. By all means get into the inside of such an establish ment as Harper's, and go over to Sta ten Island and up the East River, that you may enjoy the finest" water-view in the world and the finest suburban resi dences'' wouldn't hurt you any "to spend a day or two at Long Branch to to see the frivolity of a summer water ing-place. All this can be done tor a very little money if you only know how. Your wives and daughters will, of course, want to see Stewart's aud tbe great jewelry b tores ; and if you have any taste fbr art,the picture galleries are open all the time. To do this cheaply, go to the boarding-houses to live, use the street cars and stages, and by no means allow yourself to be seduced into a carriage or a cab. Street cars run everywhere in the city indeed, on some ot the lines you may ride seven miles fbr five cents. And on Sundays of course you will want to hear Beech- er, Tyng, Frothingham fcijd a dozen more of the great lights with which the city abounds, and in all their churches you will find plenty of tree pews and good, Christian courtesy and considera tion. In all the metropolitan churches especial pains are taken to make stran gers entirely welcome and at their ea. By the way, don't fail to attend service once, at least, in old Trinity, where yon will hear the best church music in the city. Come, by all means, aud have a good time. BUSINESS Is slowly improving, but it is nothing to speak ot; the conn try merchants are hero in some force, but they are buying very closely, as all of them believe that prices have ii6t as yet ttmck bottom. The failures for the week aggregate 123, none of them very large. As an evi dence ot the closeness in business mat ters, there are 1G4 empty stores be tween fche Post O trice and 14th st., and they are lively to stay empty for some time to come. They cannot be rented, for there is no business to do in them There will be no building of any conse quence this season, tor there arc thou sands of empty houses. POSTAL TROUBLES. The city had a scare this week. The appropriation tor the expenses ot public buildings being all exhausted, and Con gress having made no provision fbr such an emergency, the postmaster here was notified to cut off the gas, water and fuel. This of course meant cessa tion ot business in the post-office, and a virtual closing of it. The city took alarm, Postmaster James was helpless, and for a day it seemed very likely that the city would be without portal facilities. Imagine the consequences of closing the New York post-office J The business of the whole country passes through it, aud the effect would be felt from Maine to Texas. But New York was equal to the emergency ; the gas companies authorized Mr. James to go on, they taking their chances ot getting their pay from the government, the wa ter board ' did likewise, and , the mer chants pledged money enough to pay other expenses till the government could turn itself. So we get our letters as usual. THE DEFALCATIONS OF JUDGE BARRETT are worse than was supposed when be got away. He has swindled his old stepmother out of every dollar she had in the world, and the daughter of Miles O'Riley loses everything, as l.e was the trustee of her deceased father's estate, This villain ran away owing quite $200,000, and the terrible feature of it is, that this money was almost entirely trust-funds, placed in his control because of bis reputation i fbr iutecrity. He sold mortgages and bonds belonging to estates, and squandered the money in a most reckless manner. As he was re pated to be rich no one objected to ; his high living, and no one thought it singular; but since his departure it has been discovered that he never had any thing that his whole lite was an im posture, lie was a judge, and bad held many positions of honor and profit, and ep to the very day of his flight could have been elected to any position in the gift of the people. There seems to be an epidemic of scoundrel ism just now. THE FASHIONS. The spring opous rather late after all, but the new bonnets are out, and for- the benefit of my, lady readers I hasten to tell them do. to buy scoop bonnets, (unless they are more becoming than any other,) for,-the newest and cLoiccst style isa snug little Parisian shape with high square crown, and close brim, sloping very narrow toward, the back, crown and brim being an inch smaller than last year's shape, and ever so much more becoming, having a pe culiarly neat aud mod est appearance on the head, as I, though a mere male mortal, can testify from"ispecUoBr The ladies say that they cany tell the shape as far as they can see ii, for it is so much prettier than the spreading, flaring bon nets of home design. ' It seems that no sooner does a peculiarly happy French design get over here, than our designers, as they say, begin to adapt it to Ameri can tastes, in which it loses all its. dis tinctive grace and effect. This particular fashion, I am told, is only to be found at the importers, so I advise ladies to insist on their milliners selecting it for them when they go "on to buy goods. Rough and ready straws, in close forms, small and becoming, will be a stylish bonuet this season, and there is a satin-finished. French rough straw, of beautiful design, that is the prettiest thing out in bonnets in a mas culine eye, it is so unpretending with all its style. As usual, this choice simplicity is not economical; an ontrimmed hat of this sort costing $5, and the wreath of wheat or. oats which trims it as. much more. Rattier coarse, unfinished chips ot a light ecru color, are the stylish dress hats either in the scoop or the other Bhape, and scarfs of yellow net, ace, or wide crape-like silk ribbon, with wreaths and masses of fine flowers on or about the crown are tbe favorite trimming. Pietro. 1 be "Victory" Printing- Machine. I yesterday (Dec; 8) saw the " Vic tory" printing and folding machine at work at the office of the Globe a. very different paper, by-the-way, to the To ronto sheet. This proudly-named press is certainly a wonderful affair, and be tween admiring it and listening to the interesting remarks ot the manner of the press department, Mr. Ford, 1 spent a very pleasant half-bonr. I saw the machine run to nearly its highest rate of speed- that is to say it printed and delivered fuhled papers at the rate of close upon SilhUUO copies per hour, iliis combination of the two operations of printing and folding is claimed to be peculiar to the " Victory" machine. The folding apparatus is very, compact, and altogether, viewing the "Victory" from my point ot view, as "a general ob server," I hhould say it is pretty near perfection. - The Globe, which is an evening pa per, is the only London daily that is de livered to the newsdealers folded, though the practice is quite the rule ia the rtovince. J? olding is scarcely neces sary in the case cf a moruipg paper ot very large circulation ; but I team that the Jtmes people are Hanking ot lol lowing the example of the Globe hi this respect. Wonderful as the "Victory" is in its simple form as a printing and folding machrne, it is much more re markable as constituted ; tor the New York Christian, i Union. This publi cation is about the size of the Graphic, twenty-tour pages, with an illustrated cover, the whole being; pasted together. The machine recently sent to New York nas a smaller press at the end, where upon is printed the said cover at such a rate that it is ready i to receive the twentr-fbur Daces of letterrr8s as thev are delivered, folded, and pasted. -Finally, passing through two spring rol lers, the work ia issued, bound and fin ished, without being touched by hand. I am iiot aware of the next improve ment in store for the priuting" world, but I suppose it is safe to conclude that somebody is meditating how to beat the v ictory even hi its triple character as a printing, toldiugr and bind inz machine London Correspondence Montreal Mur. Puzzles in Spelling and Pro nouncing. There is a word of only five letters, and it you take away two of them, ten will remain ; what word is mat r it is often, r r There is a word of five letters, aud if you take two of them away - six wiil remain: wliat is it?,' Sixty. ? Take away my first letter, take away my second letter, take away all my let ters, ana l am always the same. Can you guess that? It it the mail-carrier. Can you tell me what letter it is that has never been uescl but twice in Amer ica? it is A; it is only used twice iu America. ; Spell the fate of ail earthly things in two letters? D 1L (decay). WLat word h tilway3 pronounced fester by addirn two loiters to it? The word fast. Whst is tl.at cf cm eytlylU, which, if you tako avray two L ttc-ra from it, will become a word of two pyllab'-s? Plague; take away j ?il it Ltic-raes The Rink or Klirlia. rXhc skating fever in England, or riuk- iii", as Punch terms it. luis been the cause ot many poetic effusions, but none that will be more appreciated by those who have "sat down in a hurry," than the fol lowing from the Sporting Gazette: One more unfortunate Knocked out ot breath, 'Rashly importunate," ' Jealously saith. Lift lier up tenderry. Mind her back hair ; Fashioned so tenderly Fetch her a chair. -Burst are tier garments. Hanging in cerements, While buttons constantly Fall from her clothing. Take her up instantly Loving, not lothbig ; ScomfiiUy touch her not, Think of the bump she got. All through those witeels of tiers ,r YVlik-hsbe used kUlingly, And those high heels of hers, Sat sue unwillingly. r She in a mess is AM thiug3 betoken. And spoilt her gay dress is, While wonderment guesses : "Are the bones broken ?" "JVho is her milliner !" "Has site a glover?" P'raps a two shilliner ; "Or has she a dearer one, Still ?" P'raps a nearer one, Gifts from her lover ! Take her up tenderly, Hind her back hair ; Fashioned so sleuderly Fetch her a chair. -- Can't she sit down on it? Is she in pain ? True, sfie don't frown on it "Shan't rink agaiu." Mark Tnaln'a Duel. The only merit I claim for the follow ing narrative is that it is a true story. It has a moral on the end of it, but I claim nothing on that, as it is merely thrown in to carry favor with the relig ious element. Alter I had reported a couple of years on the Virginia City (Nev.) Dai ly Enterprise they prom ted me to be Editor-iu-l hief ; and I lasted just a week by the watch. But I made an uncommonly .lively newspaper while I did last, and when I retired I had a duel on my hands aud three horsewhip pings promised me. The latter I made no attempt to col lect ; however, this story concerns only the former. It was the old "flush times" of the silver excitement, when the population was wonderfully wild aud mixed ; every bodyuwent armed to the teeth, and all slights and insults had to be atoned for with the best article of blood your system could furnish. In the course ot my editing I made trouble with a Mr. Ixrd, the editor ot a rival paper. He flew up about some little trifle or other that I said about bun I do not remember now what it wa v I suppose I trailed him a thief, or a body snatcher, or an idiot, or something like that ; I was obliged to make the paper readable, and I couldn't fail in my duty to a whole community of subscribers merely to save the exaggerated sensi tiveness of an individual. Mr. Lord was olFeuded, and replied vigorously in his paper. Vigorously means a great deal when it refers to a personal editorial in a frontier newspaper. Dueling was all the fashion among the upper classes in that country, and very few geutlemen would throw away the opportunity of fighting one. To kill one man iu a duel caused a man to be eyen more look ed up to than to kill two men in the ordinary way. Well, out there it you abused a mau and that man did not like it, you had to call him out and kill Lim, otherwise yon would be disgraced. So I challenged Mr. Lord, and I did hope he would not accept ; but I knew per fectly well that he did not want to fight, and so I challenged him in the most violent and implacable manner. And then I sat down and snuffed and snuffed till the answer came. All the boys the editors -were in the office "helping" me in the dismal business, and telling about duels aud discussing the code with a lot of aged ruffians, who had experience in such matters, and alto gether there was a loving interest takeu in the matter that made me unspeak ably uncomfbriable. The answer came Mr. Lord declined. Our boys were furious, aud so was I on the surface. ,1 sent him another challenge, aud another, aud the more he did not want to fight the more blood thirsty I be came. But at last the man's tone be gan to change. He appeared' to be waking up. It was becoming apparent that he was going to fight me, after all. I ought to have known bow it would be he was a man who could never be depended upon. Our boys were jubi lant. I was not though I tried hard to be. -It was now the time to go out and practice. It was the custom there to fight .duels with navy six-shooters at fifteen paces load aud empty till the game for the funeral was securce. We weDt to a ravine just out of. town and borrowed a barn door for a target borrowed it from a gentleman who was absent and we stood his barn door up, and stood a rail on the end against the middle of it to represeut Lord, and put a squash on top ot tbe rail to represent the hed. He was a very tall, lean creature, tbe poorest sort of material for a , duel ; nothing but a line shot could fetch him, and even then he might split your bullet. " Exaggeration aside, the rail was, of course, a little too thin to represent the body accurately, but the squash was all right, lfthere was any intellectual difference between the squash aad bis head it was iu favor of tbe snnasb. ' WO, X practiced and practiced at the barn door and could not hit that ; and I tried for the sqnah aud could not hit pat. I would Lave been entirely dis heartened but that occasionally I crip pled one of tho boys, and that gave me hope. At last we begin to hear pistol shots in the next ravine. We knew what that meant ! The other party was out, practicing too. Then I was iu tlie last degree distressed, for of course they would hear our shots and then send over the ridge, and the 6pies would find my barn door without a wound or mark, and that would simply be an end to me ; for ot course the other man would immediately Jsecome as bloodthirsty as I was. Just at that moment a little bird no larger than a sparrow flow by and lit on a bush about 30 paces away, and my little second, Steve Gills, ' who was a dead shot with a pistol much better than I was snatched out his re volver aud shot the. bird's; head, off,! Wft all ran to, pick-up Hie game,, and sure enough,' just'at this" 'moment,' some ot the other duelists came reconnoitering over the little ridge. - They ran to our group to see what the matter was, and when they raw the bird Lord's second said : ; "That was a splendid sboL Ho ,v far off was it 1" - . Steve said with some indifference : , "Oh, no great distance. About 30 paces." "Thirty paces! Heavens alive! Who did it?" ,, "My man twain." 'The mischief be did ! Can he do it often?" " Well, yes. " lie cau do it about four times out of five " I knew the. little rascal was lying, but I. never said any tiling. I never told him so. He was not of a disposi tion to invite confidences of that kind, so I let tho matter , rest. But it was a comfort to see these people look sick and see their iaws drop when Steve made that statement. They went off andgot Lord aud took him home; when he got home, halt an, hour Iatcr, there was a note saying that Mr. Lord peremptorily declined to fiirht. We found out afterward that Lord hit hi3 mark thirteen times ia eighteen shots if ho had put those thirteen bul lets into me it would have narrowed my sphere of- usefulness a good deal. True they could have put pegs iu the holes and used me for a hat-rack ; but what is a hat rack to a man who feels lie has intellectual ltowers ? I have written this true incident of my history for one purpose only to warn the youth of to-day against the practice of dueling, and to p:eadv with them to wafagainst it." I was young and foolish when I challenged the gen tleman, and thought it very fine and grand to be a duelist and stand upon the- "held ot honor." But I am older aud more experienced now, and am in flexibly opposed to the dreadful custom. I am glad, indeed, to bo enabled to lift np my voice against it. 1 thi'ik it is a bad, immoral thing. It is every man's duty to do all he cau to discourage du eling. , If a man were to challenge me I would go to that man and take hini by the baud and lead him to a retired room and kill -him. A Mysterious llirfti and a C'herberetl JLile. The following biography is from the Sonera Democrat; "We are called upon to record tlie death of John ,S. Nugent, an old and well-known -resident of Columbia, in this county. His career was some what checkered, and the mystery Eurroundmg his birth almost verges upon romanticism. lie was b-rn in Dublin about 1S07, and was consequently C8 years ot age. lie ob tained his education in tho Dublin Uni versity, his exjenses being defrayed with funds from an unknown .source. During bis boyhood he went to Ja maica, aud afterwards emigrated to New York, where he was enabled through the generous pecuniary aid of his unknown friends to enter into a thriving wine business. While in New York he married Miss Fox, daughter ot a merchant of the firm of Fox, Bar clay & Livingston. A sou by this marriage is n&w a prominent young lawyer in Utah. ' After his wife's death Nugent came to California, having. in his possession $50,000, the bulk ot which he lost in San Francisco. V With the remnant of his fortune he purchased a yacht and sailed for the Society Isl ands, Ins little vessel being in command of Captain William H. Clark, now a resident of Sonora. Returning to So- nora be drifted to 1 nolnmueaiid settled in Columbia in 1854, where he remained until about six- months ago, when through a geueral debility and constitu tional decline, his mind cave way and he was sent to the Tnsane Asylum at fctockton, where he died last Saturday. nu-was very reticent in regard to his birth . and parents, alleging that he knew very little in regard to the mat ter; but from varuo hints, cominor from nobody knows where, "it has always been the general ' belief of his friends lhat be was the natural sou of George IV of England, by bis morganatic mar riage with the actress, Mrs. Fitzjaraes. If this is true, another paragraph may ba inserted in the celebrated 'Memoiis. " A Professor asked his class, "What is me aurora c A student, scratching his head, re plied : ' "Well, professor, I did know, buffi have forgotten." . "Well, that is sad, very sad," re plied tbe professor. "The only man ia tbe world that ever knew has forgotten it." - Take tlie Pnprr. Read, ponder and pay up ! Why don't you take tlie papere? they're the lite of my delight, except about election time, and then I read for spite. Sub. scribe, you cannot lose a cent; why should you be afraid ? for cash thus spent is money lent at interest, four-to Id paid, Go then, and take the papers, and pay to-day, nor pay delay, and my word it is inferred, you'll live until you're gray. An old neighbor of mii.e, while dying of a cough, desired to hear the latest news while he was going off. I took the paper and I read of Come new pills in force; he bought a'box and ho is dead jno liearly as a horse. I knew two men as muchi alike aa e'er- you saw two stumps r" and no phrenolo gist could find a difference in their bumps.' One takes the paper and bis life is happier than a king's, bis chil dren can all read and write, and dream c , .i ' ' ' 'r . l" . , oi men snu tilings, x ue otner iook no paper, and, while strolling through tho wood, a tree fell down and broke his. crown, and killed him " very good." Had he beer? reading all tbe news, at home like his neighbor Jim, I'll, bet a cent that accident would not have hap pened bim, for he who takes the paper, and pays his bill when due, can live ia peace with every man, and with tho printer too. Wanted to he aa Edltar. f,IIave you had any experience in the- business ?" we asked of a verdant look ing youth who applied for an' editorial position the o'lierday:" "Haven 1 1 though T lie replied as he shoved one foot under his chair to hide the unskillful patching of a back woods cobbler. "I should say I'd had some experience haven't I correspond, ed with the JFumpkincille Screamer for six weeks ? Ham t that experience enough ?" "T hat will do very well," we replied. "but when we. take young men on our editorial staff, we generally put them through an examination. How much are twelve times oner to an" : ' i, IT . t 1 1 1 ,.P.t- . lioiu on. Dirase uuii iw luu lank- who discovered Aiassw -S?'-" "' "Klumbus? Pshaw, them questions - "Who was the first man?" "Adam ! why Mister, I know all"- "What was his other name?" "His other came?" why hedidnH have none." j "Yes, he did. You see that's where we've got you. His other name was - Ebenezer Ebenezer Adam, Esq., late- of Paradise. Nolnxly knows this but editors, and see to it that you don't tell; any body." He said he wouidn t. "How many bones are there in tlie human body ?" "Well, I forgot now, but I did know wunst." " What don't you know that ? Why there's 7,482,921,444 bones in an ordinary man. A rhsn that snores has one bone more than other people." . " v hat bone is that f " "The trombone. It ia situated some where in the nose. You won't forget- that, will you?" . ':.;-' He said he wouldn't. v . "How long would it take a rand-turtle to cross the desert of Sahara with a small orphan boy to touch him up be hind with a red-liot poker?" "Well, look here, Mister, if I had a s'ale aud cncil I could figger that out, but dog my skin u I'm much on mental, 'rithmetic." "Slate and pencil 1 Did vou ever see a slate and pencil about a sanctum ? ell, we 11 : let that question slip. Have you got a good constitution?" "Putty tolerable." n "How long do you suppose you could' live on raw corn and faith, and do tho work of a domesticated elephant?" i ...I I T A r ii i- . UWIU UUU v ucwio jl cuuiu lite mor'n a week." 5 . , n ; "Well, that's about as long as you'd want to live it yon got an editorial to silion on this paper. You appear to b j pretty well posted ; -we shall ask you one more question, and it you prove equal, toil you can lake off your coat and sail in." , "Let's have 'er 'squire. I didn't cor. respond tor the Pumpkinv Me Scream er six weeks for not!) in. ; Let 'er com.: I'm on deck, I am." "Well, sir, if two diametrical circlet) with octagonal peripheries should collide with a centrifugal idiosyncrasy, or, to put it plainer, we'll say a disenfranchis ed nonentity, what effect would tbe catastrophe exert on a crystallized cod fish suspended by the tail from the homogeneous rafters ot the empyrean V As the f nil force of this ponderous problem broke upon his bewildered brain, he slowly dragged his insrtif tical. ly cobbled shoe from under his cfiair and started from the room. We heard liim descend the stairs, go out, and close the door. ''We then placidly resumed our duties, regretting that so promising a youth should have been weighed w the balances and found wanting.- J-Vanklin 1'atriot. On ; April 10th Mr. II. Bundy, of Junction City, sold bis farm, near 2Z?n roe, BeDton .couoty consistir cf ZiO acres well-improved with good ttili,. ins, etc., for. 10,000..