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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (Oct. 2, 1874)
r COLL, ALB ANT, VAX CLEV OEEGrON. KISSES. " Are kisses spirits, mother?" Little Walter asks. Raiding great dark earnest eye To others, blue as raiamcr'i sliiea. That brighten for her eager boy. Through her life of hope and Joy, And tender woman ia.-ks. Fearless little questioner, What knows he of k;ases ? Save caresses soft and sweet, Kach fresh how of life to greet ; Blessing kiss of aire and nio'.her. Clasp of sister, hug of brother ; Thanks lor baby blisses. Happy cherished darling, He nor kuowe nor cares ; Of passionate lips that press in vain On those that cannot glow again, Of wild despairing kisses pressed On damp soda where our idols rest ; 'Mid sad unanswered prayers. Can true-herted childhood Guess such things can be, Aa kiss 'tween secret foe and foe. As hands that clasp o'er gulfs below, As kisses with no loving leaven, Coldly taken, idly given. In custom conrtesy ? Can frank-hearted childhood Dream that kindred lips. Lips that have met a thousand times, Warm and true as j oet's rhymes, May for each other learn to frame Scorn or hatred, mock or blame, Love's unwarned eclipse t Dim not childhood's golden faith With such lore as this is ; Let him trust the gladness round. Trust the love as birthright found ; Soon, too Boon, the world will teach Stings may lurk in honeyed speech, Treason hide in kisses. THE LOVERS' Q UAjRMELi. We had a quarrel, Millicent and I, and it was no slight lovers' quarrel to be easily forgotten. We had each said things that could not be unsaid, and done things that could not be undone, and she had given me back the letter; I had sent her, and the ring that she bad worn, and all these little presents that every man lavishes on the woman he loves. It was all over and we were free again ; and I tried to believe it was better so, fouti could, not. Poor little Millicent, her face was sad, and her eyes very heavy when I chanced to meet her ; but she had told me that she hated me as much as she once loved me, and so I tried to look merry and unconcerned as I passed her. and I got up a flirtation with red-haired Lucy Martin, and was seen about with her a good deal. Her father had made a great deal of money by certain shoddy transactions 0 .. , uuu ouc was an neires3. and very much sought after, and all tliat sort of thing. If I had been the kind of a man who marries for money, I might have tried to win the prize', perhaps, for, after a real, honest love affair has come to an untimely end, ither man or woman is just ripe for something wrong in that line ; and of all the wrongs that are, though many have worse names, there isn't one that is really worse than a lovelesss or mer cenary marriage. I wasn't bad enough for that, but I was bad enough to flirt abominably with a decent young woman, who fan cied that I meant everything, and was pleasantly frank with mo in conse quence, and a report even arose that l was engaged to her. 1 jiked it ; for 1 knew that Millicent must hear it. Of course, when I heard that she was engaged to Tom Brown, I was not pleased. Ton never can be sufficiently off with the old love to hear inch good news without a pang. I had not sworn myself to celibacy, but it seemed to me in a measure, Millicent's duty to do bo. At least it would be better taste, I thought, remembering how fond she had once seemed to me. Going into a convent, or something of that sort at least no more love-making I had sup posed would be her course. And here she was at the opera with fan, opera glass, bouquet and attendant adorer as if nothing had happened. I sat in the next row with Miss Mar tin, and I looked into her eyes, and whispered compliments in a" terrible way, considering that I had no inten tions whatever. Ah, well ! she was a very practical girl, not romantic. I knew she had a budding fancy for me, but I don't think she would ever let p5",nca;I?,eat' Iike worm i' the bud. xcea on the ilamask of her cheek." I am sure that she married the re " Sred grocer, who proved to be her fate, witfiight heart ; and I knew her ap petite dicBot fail her, for I sat opposite her at the tfiWo one day not long since, and she took kindly to roast beef and gravy, and must have weighed at least 160 pounds ; but if she had been the most spirituelle creature, whoever broke her heart, I doubt if I should have re membered anything but my own selfish self that night ; and all the while I was thinking, just as we remembered snatches muiuiitr song wnue we were busy with something very different from music, of the pleasant hour my utue DiacK-eyed love and I had had togetner of the softness of the velvet palm that lay unresistingly in mine a we waiKea in the moonlight by the river bank, the summer before, when twenty of ns stopped at the gay hotel at - of the kisses she used to let me take, and the blushes they brought to her cheeks and I wanted to kill Brown. He was a harmless yonnsr man. with a lisp and an eyeglass, but I longed vo assassinate him. This sort of thing happened more than once during the season, and I felt glad when it was gone and summer sent " soeiety" flying to the woods and glens and waterfalls. I did not seek the usual resort. I went to a wild out-of-the-way place and fished persistently. I did some shooting, too, and I formed a friendship with a certain Mr. Briggs, who was fond, pf sport, so he said, though I never knew him to catch a fish, or shoot anything whatever. No one knew where I was. I knew nothing of the whereabouts of 'any of my acquaintances. There were a few ladies at the hotels, principally invalids, for there were sprit gs thereabout that had a great medicinal reputation ; but it was not the sort of place to tempt "our set." I anticipated no unpleasant meeting with people who would want to know why Milly and I had parte d. And fancy my astonishment and horror when, one evening, as I took my seat at tho table, I saw straight opposite me a little, pale shadow, which I recognized as all that was left of Millicent Hood. Her portly grandmother was with her, and the way that old lady didn't look at me was more dreadful than the most awful looks could have been. I made a short meal that day, and I resolved to leave the place by the morn ing train. Unfortunately, I overslept myself. Wait a minute was it unfor tunate ? It seemed so to me for a good while. I missed the stage at all events. There was no other way of reaching the cars, and I went out to spend the whole September day with Briggs and our guns. There was an evening stage also. I intended to go out on that. Out in the woods, and having pur posely lost sight of my companion for a little while, I sat down at the foot of a tree and fell to thinking of Millicent. Poor little girl ! how worn she was did she ? But no no she had de clared that she hated me. Ah, there was truth in Moore's song " There's nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream I" and I had awake ued from it. I sighed and rested my head against the old tree. In a moment more crack, crack, crack ! A terrible pain through my head. A cry of "Oh, Lord, I thought you were a squirrel !" and I was dimly conscious that Briggs had hit something at last. He had hit me. I came to myself after a week's fever and delirium, quite blind. My eyes were untouched, but the nerves had j been somehow injured. mere was something horrible in the surgeon's ; vague premises of improvement in time; and all I could say to the penitent j Briggs was : " Why didn't you hit a vital part while you were about it ?" It was a horrible time. I don't like ! to think about it even now. I was not 1 sure how time passed. There was no ' day to me, and I scemeel suddenly to ! have been launched into a dark eter- j nity. One day I had a terrible longing for ; fresh air, and as there could be no rea- i son for keeping me indoors, I ordered j my nurse, an olu colored man, to set a chair for me in some lonely spot where strangers would not be apt to spy me out. He did so. There was a little nook which I knew well, where no one save some rural fisher came. Here I bade him leave me, and return in an hour. He obeyed : "Ah," I thought to myself, " were Millicent my wife, I should have one who wonld love me even now ; one on whose truthful bosom I could rest my weaiy head." "Milliceit!" I whispered softly, " Millicent ! Millicent !" The name brought back sweet recol lections. I rested my head upon my hand and indulged in them until, being still weak, sleep overcame me. Then I dreamed of her. We were together in some beautiful spot, and my arms were about her and her kisses were on my lips. Huw vivid the dream was. I was awnke but I felt the kiss ; still another and another. A hand seemed to rest on my shoulder. Involuntarily I strove to clasp it in my own. Then, then I knew it wai no dream. A hand was there. It did not resist mine a littlo trembling woman's hand, soft and warm, and sweet Millicent's own elear hand. I knew it before I drew her to me. " It's my little one," I said. " SpeaK to me I cannot see you." "I know I ought not to be here," she sobbed, " but I I could not help it. I am so sorry, so very, very sorry for you." "Then you've got over hating me, Millicent," I said. " I never hated you," she said. "I only said so. But there I I didn't mean you should know I was here. I thought you were asleep, and I suppose it was very wrong for me ; and Miss Martin would be justly very angry." " Mien Martin !" said I. "You don't believe that story ? The poor blind fel low you see before you would have little chance with Miss Martin, even if he wanted her and he don't. But I beg your pardon, Miss Millicent ; I ought not to hold your hand so long. Mr. Brown might object." "Oh, don't, Harry," said she. "I can't be proud any longer now. I hate that Brown. I'm so glad you are not engaged to Miss Martin. Put your arm around mo again, darlinar. and rdease forgive me.' When Black Sam came to me I told him that Miss Millicent had been kind enough to promise to keep me com pany for a while, and he might go. She said that the stars were in the sky as she led me up the steps of the old hotel, and I told her that my star had at last risen. The doctor's predictions of some im provement were fulfilled. I could see as well as ever on my wedding day ; but I never shall forget that Millicent came to me in my darkness, not guessing that it would ever be broken again on earth, and gave me back the love I shonld not have dared to ask for. Nor can there ever be a moment more delicious than that in which I felt her lips upon my brow, and knew that Millicent and I had made up our quarrel. OUR NATIONAL GAME IN ENGLAND. Considerable interest " in our na tional game " has been excied in England by the recent visit of the Bos ton and Athletic clubs. The game comes in competition with the British game of cricket, and it was thought by many that the prejudice in favor of the latter sport would prevent the former from being patronized. Such, howev er, has not proved to be the case. An English paper speaks as follows of our favorite American game of ball : Of the game itself, as seen during the week in London, little can be said, ex cept in praise. It was generally fan cied that the cricketers would bo rather inclined to deprecate and ignore, but the cricket world has been the first not only to welcome, but to applaud. To cricketers, indeed, base ball presents many lessons that might judiciously be accepted. In one reBpect alone the Americans have shown the Englishmen what can be done in accuracy of throw ing. Here you rarely find a cricketer who can be relied upon for accuracy in returning the ball to the wicket-keeper. It is returned somehow, and that seems quite enough. Sometimes at the head, and more often at the feet, it comes in at a great pace probably, but still in a manner calculated to disturb the whole system of a wicket-keeper by the constant lunges, and often vain at tempts to reach the ball in an impossi ble position. With the base ball player matters are different. There is no un wise haste in the effort to throw, but a moment to steady before the ball is sent in. Then there is no need for the baseman to move either to the right or to the left, as the ball comes as straight as an arrow, and the base runner is as certain of his doom as if it were a thing of course. Perhaps to Englishmen, the only drawback at present is, that the different details of the game are so poorly understood. The score is kept, it is true, and the telegraph-board shows three lines of figures that repre sent nothing except to the initiated. It has been amusing throughout the week. in(ieed, to hear the stories with regard to the exast interpretation of these signals on the board. With a better comprehension of the rules, base ball would have become more popular, and met with a better reception. As it is the Americans can have no ground for dissatisfaction at the enthusiasm that their visit has created in metropolitan circles. THE CALIFORNIA WHEAT CHOP. Ten years ago California produced j only wheat enough for her own con ! sumption, if, indeed, enough was raised in the State for that purpose. The im j mense proportions which that crop has ' reached in a single decade is one of the ; most astonishing events of the century. ! The Chronicle well remarks that "if j tnis immense mass ot wlieat had come ' down upon us in a shower from heaven, J it could not have been more unlooked I for than it was a few years ago. The ! surprises in California in an agricultural way have been greater than those of the i mineral, astonishing and bewildering as i they have been." Tho amount of the surplus is stated i in figures at 20,000,000 bushels, or ; about 600,000 tons. To form a definite 1 idea of what these figures mean is a very different matter. The New York Iferald, in order to assist the understanding, i says that, if loaded in carts, each con taining a ton, to be hauled to New York, the first would be at its destination ! when the last was leaving San Fran : cisco. This, at first thought, seems ex i travagant ; but, in order to travel com- fortably, not much more than 200 could bo ranged npon a mile, and hence the i statement is not very wide of the mark, j The Bulletin suggests that, if loaded j into vessels of 1,000 tons burden, and I the 600 ships were to sail in sight of each other, say twenty miles apart, the line would extend 12,000 miles, or half way round the globe. The last one might just be leaving the Qolden Gate when the first one was entering the har bor of Liverpool. Such illustrations, though not very original, may serve to show how great an element in the econ omy of the civilized world the wheat crop of California has become. A HOMEOPATHIC JOKE. To arouse the temper of a homeopa thist, just hint to him that ho cannot make you sick or kill you with his infini tesimal sugar pills, aa a regular allopa thist can do so neatly with his drugs. An apothecary in Stuttgart, Germany, having a natural contempt for the sugar pills of Dr. Hahnemann, was, therefore, quite surprised recently when the ! Hahnemannia," a society for the ad vancement of homeopathic treatment, offered a prize of $20 to any one who, upon taking a certain homeopathic medicine, should not experience the re sults predicted by the Hahnemannic doctors. Desirous of maintaining the supremacy of his own drugs as the destructive agencies of the world, he offered himself to the society as a vic tim to science. The homeopathists smiled and gave him a drop of a glass ful of water, in which they had dis solved a tiny globule upon a large piece of sugar. The tiny globule had, how ever, it seems, abont a millionth part of a grain of some substance in it that is given to raise blisters, and the unlucky apothecary, a few hours after swallow ing the drop, had a mouth that looked as if a whole swarm of bees had been trying to suck honey out of it. He could not even whistle for his 20. And now the Stuttgart homeopathifcta tri umph, and the allopathists hang their heads in shame ; but the common people look very sober, and wonder whether there is any school of medicine that is safe. Tilton's children are : Florence, J6.: Alice, 14 ; Carrol, 11 ; Frank 5. HYDROPHOBIA INDUCED BY FEAR. It is a well known fact that several persons may be bitten by a mad dog, and only one, or none of them, die from the disease. Such was the case when Mrs. Noyes, of New York, was attacked a few weeks since. Two or three per sons were bitten at the same time by the same dog, who are alive now, and likely to be for many years, and who, in all probability, will never suffer the slightest inconvenience from the bites they received. Hydrophobia is not unfreqently a disease purely of the imagination. Some time since a man in Chicago was bitten by a dog that was known to be perfectly well. The victim, however, brooded over the idea that sooner or later he would die from the effect of the wound, although there was no manifestation of a serious character. But his apprehen sions made him anxious and restless and almost frenzied, and in a few days fie brought upon himself fits of an alarming type. From all the circum stances it was evident that the man was iu a dangerous condition, and needed some medical attention. Physicians were called, but he soon expired in great agony. From beginning to end, this man's ease, so far as the dog was concerned, was one entirely of imagina tion. Dr. Marx, a celebrated German physician, writing to the Clinic, says that he regards hydrophobia as a mor bid affection, induced by fear, and in support of his opinion, cites many inter esting cases. Dr. Luke, in his work on the Influence of the Mind ou the Body, supports the hypothesis that hydro phobic symptoms are often developed without previous inoculation and he re lates a notable instance of a physician of Lyons, who, having assisted in the dissection of several victims of the dis order, imagined that he himself had be come inoculated. On attempting to driDk he was seized with spasms of the pharynx, and in this condition roamed about the streets for three days. At length his friends succeeded iu con vincing him of the groundlessness of his apprehensions, and he at once re covered. No dog will bite unless he is pro voked, or is disturbed in his guard over his master's property. A mad dog seeks to avoid the highway, will never go out of his course to bite, but will finally, if let alone, drop dead without doing the least injury to any one. Lastly, the disease is not, as is gen erally supposed, incurable. There are many persons who have had hydropho bia and have recovered from it. Dr. Buisson, a distinguished French physi cian, says tie never knew a case to fail of recovery where the patient was re peatedly placed in steam baths varying in heat from 57 to 63 degrees centigrade. Wet-sheet packs will take the prison out of a person much more efft dually than can be done by any amount of physicking or dosing. In tho bite of a mad dog there is a poison virus, which may or may not kill, depending on temperamental cemditions in the man. It is quite true that "the mind kills and it cures." When. this thing comes to be undersiood by medical men, there will be less dependence on poisonous drugs and more on common sense. A MICROSCOPIC CIRCUS. The latest excitement in Berbn is the exhibition of drilled fleas. The exhibi tion takes place on a large sheet of white paper fastened upon an ordinary table, to which all the spectators ap proach in turn, so as to be able to wit ness in all details the eitraordinary maneuvers of these little but marvelous ly powerful and gifted rascals. Here you see one of the muscular fleas roll ing a small barrel along with its feet, as the mendo in a circus; there you see a slim, voluptuously built madam of the species walking along in crinoline amd carrying her parasol with all the affec tation of a city miss ; at another place a well trained fellow performs on the flying trapeze, without any danger of his neck, however, since the biggest fall would not break that ; while below the trapeze, on the paper, a host of little ones are turning somersaults at a fearful rate. The largest specimens of tho collection have been trained to draw wagons, drays carriages, etc. To fix the harness properly on them the flea-tamer places his pupils on a piece of paper covered with mucilage, where they have to stick. He then, by the aid of a watchmaker's loop, arranges a strong gold thread around their bodies and attaches it to the wagon or car riage. The ladies of Berlin attend the exhibition in large numbers, and seem to take an extraordinary delight in the performance of the little creatures, who are fed regularly every morning from the arm of the great flea-tamer. Jf earth and Home. TnE Nose. We have no fewer than fourteen English proverbs relating to this important feature of the human face divine. They are : 1. Follow your nose. 2. He cannot see beyoud his nose. 3. An inch is a good deal on a man's nose. 4. He would bite his own nose off to spite his face. 5. He has a nose of noses. 6. As plain as the nose on your face. 7. To hold one's nose to the grindstone. 8. To lead one by the nose. 9. To put one's nose out of joint. 10. To pay through the nose. 11. To have a good nose for a poor man's sow. 12. To thrust one's nose in other peo ple's business. 13. A nose that can smell a rat. 14. Every man's nose will not make a shoeing horn. (Friend from the country) Howdy, Frank. What ye at since you quit college ? (Pedantic Frank) I am a merchant in that desiccated and convoluted exotic foliage which yields your crepuscular beverage. FASHION NOVELTIES. The novelties of the period are mostly in Vichy fabrics, of which fans and para sols are made to correspond with the Vichy costumes, now so much worn. Cachemire de l'lnde, a soft woolen tis sue, is employed in the making up of rich dust-gray and cigar-brown silks. The cachemire must match exactly, so that the introduction of two different materials be more perceptible to the touch than to the eye. The bodies of full-dress toilets will be made longer as the season advances, and tournures are to be discarded. The full ness of skirts will proceed from draped festoonel hangings over the under widths, and trimmings consist in drawn frills, flounces, coquilles, and bouil lonnes. The heavier materials, such as homespuns, cheviots, and the French limousines, will be ornamented with galoon made of chenille mixed with silk and with gimp fringe ol the richest description ; also stamped velvet. The new satchels are made of cut blue steel-beads and hang from a waistband of the same. They are larger and more useful than formerly. It is already certain that the art of dressmaking will become extremely com plicated, and the charges made by first faisuses will by no means diminish. It is intended that elaborate needlecraft shall set sewing-machines at defiance. A certain pride is already taken in in crustations of thread guipure and in leaf patterns raised down the center of flat silk quillings. It is a revival of the old Flemish art. Sleeves are to be tight to the wrist, but much puffed. A loose oversleeve will be introduced toward the end of autumn, sewed in the armhole, and only reaching the el bow. Tho most fashionable jewelry is of gold in three different shades, red, 'yel low and green. A little platina is often added to increase the effect of the mix ture. Transparent enamel was mostly blue ; it is now made in the Byzantine shades, and when used for tho mount ing of precious stones furnishes a glow ing background on which their relief is very prominent. The lichen, heather, and moss shades will be preferred to any other for the shooting season, also for walking and traveling dresses. A new basket portmanteau has appeared for lady tourists abroad. It entirely does away with trunks and other im pediments in the mountain passes. All the requirements for a foreign tour can be neatly packed inside, and this con venient contrivance can be strapped on the backs of mules. A material called bege is worn over black silk for half mourning. It is loopeti witn DiacK dows, ana made in all the new gray tints. A white crepe chemisette under a bodice that is open en chale, and white ruffs for the wrists, relieve this somber attire. Little girls are not very tastefully dressed between the ages of 7 and 12. There appears to be no distinction be tween a grown-up daughter and that of her youngest sis'er. Lengths and sizes alone vary, but the trimmings are equally overdone. Young girls should wear frocks and not sacques. The fol lowing are very desirable in this sea son : Striped blue and white material, the skirt bordered with a deep frill cut on the cross and sewed on with a head ing. Bodice with a fan-shaped plaited basque attached to the waistband ; a large collar either separate or simu lated with the material sewed on with embroidery. An afternoon frock should be a little brighter, but almost as plain; a gray bege in the light shades trimmed with pink silk ; three frills round the skirt, two gray and one silk pink be tween ; a black cashmere jacket trimmed with fancy braid. An evening frock for the dinner table, white pique over which a bine sateen retlingote. The skirt is trimmed with blue braid, the blue overdress with white. It is open in front ; no earrings, no bracelets, no necklaces, but a blue velvet ribbon round the throat with a medallion or locket. WOMAN'S FAME. The great deeds that make the fame of men are often of questionable moral ity ; woman's fame must be founded on goodnefs to become glorious for her and endurable as an example of great ness for women. When the wife of Lord William Rus sell stood by her husband's side, cheer ing and assisting him in his dark hour of trial, before his unjust and cruel judges, were not her devoted love, her firm faithfulness and pious fortitude, a beautiful realization of the purest and noblest feminine character which poet ry in its most divine strains has imaged forth ? Is the actor of such a lofty part less inspired than one who could describe it ? We would, therefore, impress on all our intelligent and gifted countrywo men, more particularly ou tho young, that there is a field, and a wide one, too, open for their genius, bee-ides that which is afforded by the present facility of feminine authorship ; it is that ol carrying out, iu actual life, the beauti ful ideas they would depict, and thus showing that cultivation of mind and refinement of taste are true sources of happiness in the domestic circle, and not merely requisites to shine in the world. A Chicago lady was robbed of her watch in a street ear, and advertised its loss, offering $30 to any one who wonld return it to her at the corner of Dear born and Randolph streets at a certain time, and no questions asked. The sneak-thieves put in an appearance, de livered the watch, took the reward, and in three minutes thereafter had stolen it from her again. If there is anything meaner than a Chioago Alder man, perhaps it is a Chicago thief. Detroit Tribune. THE FIRST THOUSAND DOLLARS. The following extract wo take from the New York Independent, and com mend it to the careful consideration of the boys and young men who are among our readers : The first thousand dollars that a young man, after going out into the world to act for himself, earns and saves will generally settle the question of business life with him. There may be exceptions to this statement ; yet, for a rule, we think it will hold true. The first condition is that the young man actually earns the thousand dol lars in question. He docs not inheiit this sum. It doeB not come to him by a streak of good luck, as the result of a fortunate venture in the purchase and sale of a hundred shares of stock. It is the fruit of personal industry. He gives his time and labor for it. While he is thus earning and saving it, he must earn two or three, or perhaps four times as much to pay his current ex penses. He is consequently held stern ly to the task of industry impatient, persistent, foie-casting and self-denying effort, breaking up all the tendencies to indolence and frivolity, and making him an earnest and watchful economist of time. He not only learns how to work, but ho also acquires tho love of work ; and, moreover, he learns the value of the sum which he has thus saved out of his earnings. He has toiled for it ; he has observed its slow increase from time to time ; and in his estimate it represents so many months or years of practical labor. His ideas of life are shaped by his own experi ence. These natural effects of earning the first thousand dollars we hold to be very large benefits. They are just the qualities of mind and body which are most likely to secure business success in after years. They constitute the practical education which a man can have as a worker in this working world. They are gained in season for life's pur poses, at the opening period, just when they are wanted, when foolish notions are most likely to mislead an inexperi enced brain, and when, too, there is a full opportunity for expansion and de velopment in later years. Men have but one life to live ; and hence, they start from opening manhood but once. And the manner in which they start, the purposes they have in view, and the habits they form, will ordinarily deter mine the entire sequel of their career on earth. To succeed, men must have the elements of success in themselves. One great reason why there are so many useless, inefficient, and poverty-stricken men on earth or, rather, boys seem ing to be men consists in the simple fact that they did not start right. A prominent reason why the children of the ncn so frequently amount to nothing may be found in luxury, ease and indolence which marked the com mencement of their lives. It is the law of God that we should be workers on earth ; and no one so well consults the best development of his being as when he conforms his practice to this law, The workers in some suitable sphere are the only really strong men in thiB world. THE VEGETABLE BITTERS MAN. Whenever a man gits ded broke, and kant think ov nothin to raze the wind with, and hiz unkle won't hav him boarding at hiz house enny longer, and his boots want tapping the wnst way, he takes sum rubarb root, a fu katnip blossoms, and some black cherry tree bark, and sokes them 14 hours in cheap whisky, and goes hedlong into the life- renovating tonik bizzness. He plasters every fence, saw-mill log, stun wall and cow s back, from Port- land, Maine, to San Francisco, with red yello plakards, offering to heal the halt, moke the blind talk, and the deaf see, and renew the livers of all kreashun, for one dollar and a quarter a bottle. He takes rooms at snm fust-klass ho tel, drive3 four in hand, and never iz seen only on the jump. He iz az phull ov bizzness az the su perintendent ov a Sunday skool on a piknik day ; and call on him when yu will to collect ynre little bill ov eight dollars, he haz just left for Baltimore, or won't be home from Nu Orleans until week after next. Theze men are not all ov them un skrnpnlous; sum ov their kompounds are too simple to do enny hurt or good, and the worst perhaps that kan be sed of them iz, that they knowingly pfak tiss upon the krednlity ov poor human natnr. The vegitabel bitters man iz a kuning kritter, full ov pomposity, frequently ackumulatea a fortune, but never kan entirely outlive a certain kind ov rubarb and katnip smell that scents his reputa- shun. Josh Billings. FAIR PL A Y. The fallowing anecdote is related of a tar who once had a narrow escape from imminent peril. He was in a ship frozen in, in the Arctic regions, and, like young Nelson, had strayed on the ice heedless of danger. He was far from the vessel when he eaw, coming round a block of ice, a huge polar bear mak ing directly towards him. Totally un provided with any defensive weapon but his knife, he bethought himself of an Old! World weapon for extreme cases prayer. But how? And what? There was no time to deliberate, the monster was near, and delay wonld be fatal to the poor fellow. So he opened his knife and grasped it firmly hurriedly uttered a few words how earnestly can hardly be imagined, but their rugged -ness speaks forcibly, of a mingled ter ror, desperate courage, and dim-twinkling faith : " O Lord, I dinna trouble ye often ; but ye see me an' ye see this bear. O Lord, an' ye winna help me, dinna help the bear. An' if yell help neither the ane npr the ither, stan' by an see fair play : for this'll bo a maist awfu'feoht. Amen." His prayer was answered, for he lived to tell it. LABOR .- AN ODE. Toil swings the axe, and forests bow ; The seeds break out in radiant bloom, Rich harvests smile behind the plow, 4.nd cities cluster round the loom. Where toweling domes and tapering spires Adorn the vale and crown the hill, Stout labor lights its beacon fires, - And plumes with smoke the forge and mill. The monarch oak, the woodland's pride, Whose trunk is seamed with lightning scar, Toil launches on the restless tide, And there unrolls the flag of stars ; The engine with Its lungs of flame, And ribs of brass and Joints of steel. From Labor's plastic fingers came, With sobbing valve and whirling wheel. Tis Labor woi ks the magic press, And turns the crank in hives of toil, And beckons angels down to bless Industrious hands on aea and soil. Here sun-browned soil, with shining spade, Links lake to lake with silver ties, 8truug thick with palace of trade. And temples towering to the skies. VARIETIES. Comfortable quarters-Silver twenty- five-cent pieces. Spinster City is one of the oldest made towns in Missouri. The most steadfast followers of our fortunes Our creditors. A first-rate axiom A man should always grind his own axes. A Brooklyn man has named his roos ter Robinson, because he cru-soe. What portions of the body are the best travelers ? The two wrists (tour ists). How to tell fresh shad. First decide what yon want to tell it, then whisper in its ear. In pocket-picking, as in everything else, a man never succeeds until he gets his hand in. An editor who speaks with the air of a man who has discovered a new fact by experience, says the new way to pre vent bleeding at the nose, is to keep your nose out of other people's busi ness. " Doctor," said a man to Abernethy, my daughter had a fit, and continued half an hour without sense or Knowl edge." " Oh," replied the doctor, never mind that ; many people con tinue so all their lives. " A doctor and a military officer be came enamored of the same lady. A friend asked her which of the two suit- she intended to favor. She re plied that "it was difficult to tell, they were both such killing creatures. Retributive justice sometimes fol lows faster than we could expect. An evil-minded Brooklyn boy propelled a snow-ball at his aunt the other day, and dodging into a neighboring area, sat down on a scuttle full of hot ashes. A cotjple of neighbors became so in imical that they would not speak to each other ; but one of them, having been converted at a camp meeting, on seeing his former enemy, held ont his hand saying : "How d'ye do, Kemp? I am humble enough to shake hands with a dog." In a little town in Missouri a lady teacher was exercising a class of juven iles in mental arithmetic. She com menced the question : "If yon buy a cow for ten dollars " when up came a little hand. "What is it, Johnny?" " Why, you can't buy no kind of a cow for ten dollars. Father sold one for sixty dollars the other day, and she was a regular old scrub at that." A metropolitan housekeeper adver tised recently for a wet nurse. A young Irish girl offered herself. "How old are you, Bridget?" said the dame. "Sixteen, pleas, ma'am." "Have you ever had a baby?" "No, ma'am, but I am very fond of them." " Then I'm afraid, Bridget, you will not do for me. It is a wet nurse I want." " Oh, plase, ma'am, I know I'll do ; I'm very aisy to tache." Cincinnati has a curiosity of the Oiiilr varietv in the person of a deaf mute printer known as " Dummy Davis. The lack of other senses was made up in him by a temper of rare brutality, and a disposition violent, vindictive, and irresponsible. He has broken women's legs, mutilated children, maimed men, and established a reputa tion for "ugliness" which found ex pression in the general belief that he would yet kill a man. His offenses have always been lightly punished on account of his natural affliction. His father is one of the proprietors of the Veinna Circus,nowon exhibition at Cin cinnati. Davis was allowed the free run of the place, and on the occasion which justified the popular expectation was in a bad humor. He was stirring up the monkeys in a cage, when his father ordered him to desist. " Dum my Davis," refusing to obey, a police man was ordered to eject him. Tho officer endeavored to do so, when Davis shot him dead. TliK corpse lay in the tent during tho performance, the Dum my coolly joining the audience in the main amphitheater where he was ar rested. It is a curious fact, which meets the charge against Dickens of exaggeration in the character of Quilp, that Davis, with all his hideous moral deformity, was married to a very de en t young woman. Rapid Railway Traveling. The Mailroad Oazette says : " Fast time in Germany, as the English railroads count fast time, has been almost unknown heretofore, but by the first of next month it is reported that a train is to run between Berlin and Hamburg, 150 miles, in 3 hours, or at the astounding rate of 52 miles per hour, including three stops for water. Heretofore the trains have taken six hours to make this trip, but they had to stop at twenty three intermediate stations instead of three. . " I was not reared mid sylvan solitude to be terrified by strigine nlulations," is the very latest.