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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (Aug. 29, 1873)
L P Fiiher ALBANY, OREGON. AUGUST 20, 1373. VOLUME Fennd, A Mnmrati Ring. I saw it kicked by tlie careless balmorals of t jaunty nurse ; 1 saw a tat morsel of humanity make for it. with a hey! broken into divers hay-cy-eys, by pudgy trotting and 1 stopped and secured it, thereby oausiug tlie tat one to pull up short, tare at me with two black currants t in a dreary expanse of dough, insert a dumpy thumb in an orifice of the same expanse, and trot back again with that stolid resignation under disappointment, which is the peculiar attribute of tlie Ixmdon in antile population. Having ascertained the nature of my prize, I proceeded to meditate on the proper course to pursue, which meditation resulted iu the Ibllowing advertisement: "Found this evening, Wednes day, at Regent's Park, nearly op posite the New College, a valuable diamond ring. The owner may re cover it by calling at No. 19 Vin ton place, etc. Before noon on the following day I was making my most curious bow to a venerable-looking old gentle man, whose white face aid benev olent smile added a double charm to the grace with which Iks stepped forward, and, waiving ceremony, ex tended his hand, saying: "You have taken a weight from my mind, my young friend and must allow me to thank yon." The insinuating delicacy of the adjective (I am not more than forty.five), was, perhaps, not with out its effect. I accented the offer ed pledge of amity in resjiectful silence. "A young man," continued the jtriarch, "may possibly find it dif ficult to understand how the loos of a trinket can be a source of positive suffering to an old one ; bat I am alluding to my lost ring there are associations connected with it which -ahem ! This is childish , you will excuse my emotion " T bowed profoundly in presence of this natural agitation. "I have passed some hours of ileeple sness an4 distress., from which you have been the means of relieving me I feel deeply indebted to you. There remains nothing now but to reimburse you for " "Excuse me, sir." I stammered rather hurriedly, hut if the ring is ours, you can undoubtedly describe Its armorial bearings." "Armorial liearings, sir! It was a diamond ring!" "Certainly." "A plain diamond ring," repeat ed the old gentleman sternly. "Do not attempt to play tricks on me, young man. I will point ot to you directly" "I leg your pardon," said T, drawing back from tlie outstretched hand, "but as the riug in my. pos asssion is surely engraved with a rrest and motto, I conclude it can not be the o-e you are iu search of" The old gentleman eyed me for a moment keenly. " I am afraid you are right," he lighed, in a tone of deep dejection. "1 must seek further. Alas! what a melancholly termination of my hopeful journey." "Speed the parting, welcome the tooting guest, is a very good mot to. I made no attempt to detain my venerable friend; but as he turned toward the door, I am cer tain 1 saw beneath the silver hairs lock of dark and shining brown. My next visitor was a lady, ex tensively got up, of imposing bight and carriage, rouged, scented and spectacled. " Wo meet under singular cireum. stances," began this lady, withcoii deseending haughtiness: "I am the principal of a college for young bvlies " With n deferential bow at the konor. done mo, I begged to know what had procured it. "In the hours of recreation we are accustomed to promenade in the park a delightful spot, so suggest ive of the blushing country. Dur ing our ramble of yesterday, a young lady under my charge was so un fortunate as to lose her ring. You, sir, are the fortunate tinder." "1 certainly did, madam, pick up a ring, but " "Ah! how grateful my pupil will be at beholding it again !" exc'aim- j ed the teacher ot youth, clasping her hands ecstatically. "Mav 1 trouble you to describe the ring?" "Describe it! A diamond ring, handsome and massive, but plain." "And the crest?" "The crest ! Ah ! that my young charge were with me. Stupid to have forgotten. The crest ot the Deloraines. Is it a lion patsant, or? No, I am wrong. Unfortu nate that she should be too unwell to accompany me! But it is im material; I will take it for her in spectio'i; she will recognize it imme diately ' "1 tear madam, that I should scarcely be justified " "Sir !" "I feel it my duty," I said firmly, "under the circumstances, to take every precaution against mistakes. I trust the young lady is not too seriously iiidisposed to give you tlie necessary information." "Very well! Exceedingly well, sir! I fancied yes, actually fancied that I was speaking to a gentle man. You will find, sir, that tlie lady principal ot a female college is not to be insulted with impunity. Good morning." Very harrowing this. I am scarcely recovered from my lady governess when there is a dash of wlieels to the door, and a young fel low, fling the reins to a groom iu livery, springs up the steps to tlie door-bell. "O, dash it !" he begins, breath ing out a volume of stale tobacco. "I lieg your pardon, and that, but the old woman dash it ! that's my mother told me I should find my riug here, and so I ordered out the vessel and the cats, and spun along like niuepciice after it. "I shall be very glad to restore the ring I was so unfortunate as to find when I can discover tlie owner." "Discover? Dash it! didn't 1 tell you it's' mine? I say I wish you wouldn't be so precious slow. I don't want, the cat to catch cold; I've just had 'em shampooned, y'know napthaed, and that." "What sort of a ring was yours?" "What sort? Oh, come; as if you didn't know. That's good !" I intimated that 1 should be glad to find out if he knew. "Not know my own ring, eh! I know it's worth a couple of ponies, tome, lets hear the damage, and I'll stump up." "I cannot give up the ring unless you describe it " "Oh, dash it! dou't chaff a fellow now. I shouldn't care a rap about the thing, only it belonged to some defunct party, and the governor would cut up so deuced rough. I've got heaps of 'em. Come, I'll swap you any one of tliese tor it, because of governor." I respectfully declined the pro posal. "Well, dash it," exclaimed tlie young fellow, as though struck with a sudden idea, "what a couple of muffs wo are! Why don't you turf the thing? I could tell you iu a minute if it's mine, dash it! I replial that I was very sorry T could not oblige him, and, adding that he had better obtain an exact description of tlie "thing" from his governor, I recommended him not to keep the cats longer in the cold, Mem. I am getting exceedingly tired of my treasure-trove. I retire to my room with a view of dress ing to go out. I am informed that a lady wishes to see me. and I am afraid my mental calculation was not complimentary to the lady in question. A tall, gracefnl figure, draped in mourning, rises at my entrance. She opens the negotia tions in some confusion, turning away her face. She has come to me in the hone of regaining a ring. carelessly lost, the parting gift of a fond tattier to her brother ana herself. My eyes rest on the crape about her dress on her pale, beautiful face, from which the blush of con fusiou and timidity has faded. Def erentially I requestea her to describe it. "A large diamond, handsome," she believed, but valuable to her, for tar other reasons." "Hut," I said gently, "chased on the gold inside the ring there is "A crest: I am aware of it." she answered sadly, but I kuow noth ing of heraldry, and have never given it more than a casual glance. My brother is dying, sir," slit said, lifting up her pale face to mine. "Only this morning he missed the ring from my finger, un easily; we are alone in the wor d; it is the only relic ot one so lately taken from us; how can I tell him it is lost?" "I am sorry to pain you," I said, striving to be firm; "but it would be more satisfactory for all parties, and cause but little delay, if you could obtain tlie description from your brother." W ithout a word she turned away. Tlie mournful resignation ot her air and attitude touched me, and as she turned I aw a tear roll silently down and fell upon the baud stretclied to the door-haudle. I couldn't stand that. "Stop!" I exclaimed, one mo ment. I am 6ure I feel certain I may trust vou. You will tell me-" I take the ring from its security, I hold it out timidly for the blue eyes to examine. I see vet the look of delight over spread her tine features I see the expression of almost childish pleas ure in her eyes as she inoaea up ar, me and clasped her hands and cried out: "The ring, the ring! Oh, Al fred, my dear brother." Her hand was unon it: such a tremulous, happy eagerness in her glance ; such a caressing fondness in her way of fingering it now pretty she was! "Mv dear child" (I am forty), "It ori'ves me sincere pleasure.' Tlten I summered; then I sprang afWr her. " A t least you will leave vnur address with me." What a look shades her nice now! Wounded integrity, mingled with pity for me. "Ah, sir," she says handing me the card on which she bad been penciling, "some day you will be sorry tor this. You do not trust im" Certainly I am a brute. The aocent of reproach in her voice haunts me; the sorrowful glance of her eve how pretty she is! I sit down to my breakfast in tlie morn ing half inclined to call at the ad dress given and apologixe for my heathenish distrust. How delightful to see her iu her own peculiar atmosphere, minister ing to the sick brother, who is all she has in the world; to look upon, if ouo cannot enjoy, tlie beautiful tenderness of a gentle sister to an ntllicted brother. Hut my letters wait, and, I toy with them. This is a hand I know? What does Kred want, 1 wonder? 1 tear it open. I read : Dkak J ack What a queer chance if you have stumbled upon my ring. I was obliged to run down to Romford very late last evening, and never missed it till we slackened at Ilford. A pretty taking I've been in. If it's mine, the crest is inside. You know it a mared hand, holding a lance, and the motto, 'Armed at all points.' Verily, truth is stranger than fiction. Keep it for me." "Erkii Vynivg." Idiot! Gull! It is quite useless to call myself names. It is almost superfluous to add that when I called at a 'certain address at has ton square, to inquire for Mist Lucy Hamilton, the lady was not to be found. Probably the "near Al fred" had required speedy change of air; probably brother and sister were even embracing in rapturous gratitude over the precious relic of one lost to them so lately. Was that dear one not lost, but trans formed? Had the silver-haired patriarch of the first visit changed to the buck of the third? And was tlie virtuous teacher of youth only the tender sister in masquerade? On my word I believe so. 1 dare say they are all enjoying the joke. Possibly it is a dodgd often repeated. Hut what am I to say to Fred ? 1 tj 1 4 Hill to to Urukan-ltfftrft MwMll. A broken-hearted young thing writes to a weekly paper as follows : "About three years ago I became acquainted with a young gentleman; aim, although he never paid me any particular attentions, he would often accompany me to and from church, etc. But lately, I noticed a great change in him. He avoids me as much as possible, and starts if I address him. (an he have ceased to love me? for I know he did, though he never said so. If I thought he had, it would break my heart." Perhaps we ought not to interfere in this matter; but, as we know exactly what should be done with the young man, we feel as if we ought to speak out. Oo nt attempt to reason with him or ca jole or pacify him. The next time he calls, take a monkey wrench, fasten it well Uion his nose, lead him off to the dining-room and ask him what he means. If he won't answer, twist the wrench three or four times and butt his head up against the stove or the mantel piece until his gloom is dispelled. If he says he has ceased to love you let your fingers dally with his ringlets lovingly for a few minutea, and then suddenly litt out a couple of hand tills and have an Irishman at hand to come iu and sit ou him awhile and knock out his teeth and jump up and down on him and be sociable. Then let him go and commence your arrangements to rope iu a fresh man. You cannot afford to wate your young lite upon such a wretch as thi ; and where heart wi I not throb to heart or soul respond to soul, the best thing to do w to contuse tlw uote at once. One of tl incidents of the de molition of Washington Market was tlw following speech delivered from the top of a box : "I am Mrs. Martha O'Donnell, tlie A No. 1 fat woman of Washington Market. I came into this market weighing 200 pounds, and I now weigh 345 pounds. I have been liere fifteen years, have paid 818 a month, and have made $100,000, and intern! to mane 8100,000 more. I have a farm ot ten acres on Long Island, and support a husband like a gen tleman and a family in luxury, and I give them fast horses and carriages with which to enjoy tliemselves. I have stood the most intense cold in Winter without a fire, and tlie greatest lieat in Snmmer, and have never taken cold or beeu overheat-ed." HUMOBOIW. Ladies travelling across the plains carry their hair in their pock ets to avoid being scalped. Editor a poor wretch who empties his brain to fill bis stomach. "Don't worry about my going away darling. Absence, you know, makes the heart grow fonder." "Of somebody else," added the darling. "The independent press can afford to tell the truth," says an enthusi astic editor. "Yes; and tell it at all times," responds his malicious rival. "Owing to the death ot the editor there won't be any leader Tuesday,,' ' says a Wisconsin weekly, "but look out tor an old ripper on Wed nesday." The dying words of a Delaware woman were : "Henry, it you marry again, remember it only takes a cup full of sugar to sweeten a quart ot gooseberries." Two business partners in Cincin nati liked each other's wives so well that they both divorced and remarried, and now live as happily as can be. The retiring editor of a Kansas paper " valeclicts" himself at follows : "It I have said anything through these columns that I am sorry tor, I am glad of it. To my friends, I thank your liberality, and to my enemies, you can go to the devil." Alice. "Do you know, uncle, that horrid Mr. Binks dec ares that you have taken to hard drinking?" Uncle George. "Not true, my dm no! Never drank easier in my lite." "Oh, Ma," said a lttle girl who had been to the show, "I've seen the elephant "and he walks back wards and eat with his tail." The editor of the Gazette, having heard that sulphur in the socks will prevent cholera, has worried a stick of brimstone out of the new druggist, and now wants tome one to loan him a pair of socks while he tries the thing. What word is always pronounced wrong? Wrong. Why is a minister near the end ot his sermon like a ragged urchin? Because he's toward his close. "What's the use of trying to be honest?" asked a young man the other day of a friend. "Oh! you ought to try it once and see," was the reply. A contemporary, speaking of the difficulty ot a newspaper editor pleasing every body, says : Even if one sounded the pra ses ot his Ma ker the devil would be offended." A Dutchnun getting excited over an account of an elopement ot a married woman, gave his opinion thus: "If my vife runs away mit anoder man's vife, I shake him out of his preeches, if she be my fadder, mine God." Grace Greenwood relates as an instance of the extravagance o! New England humor, that when a young fanner's wife made her first boy's (nuts precise y as ample be fore as behind, the father exclaimed, "Goodness ! he wont know whether he's going to school or comming borne." The Woman's Journal, Boston, has captured a Massachusetts girl who walked forty miles in two days to attend a circus. If you want to know -whether a tret is hollow or not, ax it "Mother Murphy, will you have an onion?" Mother Murphy : "No, ma'am, thank ye; I don't caro for fruit." "I have some sad news for you, my dear; your, doctor Mr. Crush bone, died this morning." Jimmy (one of six) "then we shan't hay any more babies, ma, shall we J" A
