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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (Aug. 29, 1873)
L P Fiiher
ALBANY, OREGON. AUGUST 20, 1373.
Fennd, A Mnmrati Ring.
I saw it kicked by tlie careless
balmorals of t jaunty nurse ; 1 saw
a tat morsel of humanity make for
it. with a hey! broken into divers
hay-cy-eys, by pudgy trotting and
1 stopped and secured it, thereby
oausiug tlie tat one to pull up short,
tare at me with two black currants
t in a dreary expanse of dough,
insert a dumpy thumb in an orifice
of the same expanse, and trot back
again with that stolid resignation
under disappointment, which is the
peculiar attribute of tlie Ixmdon in
Having ascertained the nature of
my prize, I proceeded to meditate
on the proper course to pursue,
which meditation resulted iu the
"Found this evening, Wednes
day, at Regent's Park, nearly op
posite the New College, a valuable
diamond ring. The owner may re
cover it by calling at No. 19 Vin
ton place, etc.
Before noon on the following day
I was making my most curious bow
to a venerable-looking old gentle
man, whose white face aid benev
olent smile added a double charm
to the grace with which Iks stepped
forward, and, waiving ceremony, ex
tended his hand, saying:
"You have taken a weight from
my mind, my young friend and
must allow me to thank yon."
The insinuating delicacy of the
adjective (I am not more than
forty.five), was, perhaps, not with
out its effect. I accented the offer
ed pledge of amity in resjiectful
"A young man," continued the
jtriarch, "may possibly find it dif
ficult to understand how the loos of
a trinket can be a source of positive
suffering to an old one ; bat I am
alluding to my lost ring there are
associations connected with it which
-ahem ! This is childish , you will
excuse my emotion "
T bowed profoundly in presence
of this natural agitation.
"I have passed some hours of
ileeple sness an4 distress., from
which you have been the means of
relieving me I feel deeply indebted
to you. There remains nothing now
but to reimburse you for "
"Excuse me, sir." I stammered
rather hurriedly, hut if the ring is
ours, you can undoubtedly describe
Its armorial bearings."
"Armorial liearings, sir! It was
a diamond ring!"
"A plain diamond ring," repeat
ed the old gentleman sternly. "Do
not attempt to play tricks on me,
young man. I will point ot to
"I leg your pardon," said T,
drawing back from tlie outstretched
hand, "but as the riug in my. pos
asssion is surely engraved with a
rrest and motto, I conclude it can
not be the o-e you are iu search of"
The old gentleman eyed me for a
" I am afraid you are right," he
lighed, in a tone of deep dejection.
"1 must seek further. Alas! what
a melancholly termination of my
"Speed the parting, welcome the
tooting guest, is a very good mot
to. I made no attempt to detain
my venerable friend; but as he
turned toward the door, I am cer
tain 1 saw beneath the silver hairs
lock of dark and shining brown.
My next visitor was a lady, ex
tensively got up, of imposing bight
and carriage, rouged, scented and
" Wo meet under singular cireum.
stances," began this lady, withcoii
deseending haughtiness: "I am
the principal of a college for young
With n deferential bow at the
konor. done mo, I begged to know
what had procured it.
"In the hours of recreation we
are accustomed to promenade in the
park a delightful spot, so suggest
ive of the blushing country. Dur
ing our ramble of yesterday, a young
lady under my charge was so un
fortunate as to lose her ring. You,
sir, are the fortunate tinder."
"1 certainly did, madam, pick up
a ring, but "
"Ah! how grateful my pupil will
be at beholding it again !" exc'aim-
j ed the teacher ot youth, clasping
her hands ecstatically.
"Mav 1 trouble you to describe
"Describe it! A diamond ring,
handsome and massive, but plain."
"And the crest?"
"The crest ! Ah ! that my young
charge were with me. Stupid to
have forgotten. The crest ot the
Deloraines. Is it a lion patsant,
or? No, I am wrong. Unfortu
nate that she should be too unwell
to accompany me! But it is im
material; I will take it for her in
spectio'i; she will recognize it imme
"1 tear madam, that I should
scarcely be justified "
"I feel it my duty," I said firmly,
"under the circumstances, to take
every precaution against mistakes.
I trust the young lady is not too
seriously iiidisposed to give you tlie
"Very well! Exceedingly well,
sir! I fancied yes, actually fancied
that I was speaking to a gentle
man. You will find, sir, that tlie
lady principal ot a female college is
not to be insulted with impunity.
Very harrowing this. I am
scarcely recovered from my lady
governess when there is a dash of
wlieels to the door, and a young fel
low, fling the reins to a groom iu
livery, springs up the steps to tlie
"O, dash it !" he begins, breath
ing out a volume of stale tobacco.
"I lieg your pardon, and that, but
the old woman dash it ! that's my
mother told me I should find my
riug here, and so I ordered out the
vessel and the cats, and spun along
like niuepciice after it.
"I shall be very glad to restore
the ring I was so unfortunate as
to find when I can discover tlie
"Discover? Dash it! didn't 1 tell
you it's' mine? I say I wish you
wouldn't be so precious slow. I
don't want, the cat to catch cold;
I've just had 'em shampooned,
y'know napthaed, and that."
"What sort of a ring was yours?"
"What sort? Oh, come; as if you
didn't know. That's good !"
I intimated that 1 should be glad
to find out if he knew.
"Not know my own ring, eh! I
know it's worth a couple of ponies,
tome, lets hear the damage, and
I'll stump up."
"I cannot give up the ring unless
you describe it "
"Oh, dash it! dou't chaff a fellow
now. I shouldn't care a rap about
the thing, only it belonged to some
defunct party, and the governor
would cut up so deuced rough. I've
got heaps of 'em. Come, I'll swap
you any one of tliese tor it, because
I respectfully declined the pro
posal. "Well, dash it," exclaimed tlie
young fellow, as though struck
with a sudden idea, "what a couple
of muffs wo are! Why don't you
turf the thing? I could tell you iu a
minute if it's mine, dash it!
I replial that I was very sorry T
could not oblige him, and, adding
that he had better obtain an exact
description of tlie "thing" from his
governor, I recommended him not
to keep the cats longer in the cold,
Mem. I am getting exceedingly
tired of my treasure-trove. I retire
to my room with a view of dress
ing to go out. I am informed that
a lady wishes to see me. and I am
afraid my mental calculation was
not complimentary to the lady in
A tall, gracefnl figure,
draped in mourning, rises at my
entrance. She opens the negotia
tions in some confusion, turning
away her face. She has come to
me in the hone of regaining a ring.
carelessly lost, the parting gift of
a fond tattier to her brother ana
My eyes rest on the crape about
her dress on her pale, beautiful
face, from which the blush of con
fusiou and timidity has faded. Def
erentially I requestea her to describe
"A large diamond, handsome,"
she believed, but valuable to her,
for tar other reasons."
"Hut," I said gently, "chased on
the gold inside the ring there is
"A crest: I am aware of it." she
answered sadly, but I kuow noth
ing of heraldry, and have never
given it more than a casual
glance. My brother is dying, sir,"
slit said, lifting up her pale face to
mine. "Only this morning he
missed the ring from my finger, un
easily; we are alone in the wor d;
it is the only relic ot one so lately
taken from us; how can I tell him
it is lost?"
"I am sorry to pain you," I said,
striving to be firm; "but it would
be more satisfactory for all parties,
and cause but little delay, if you
could obtain tlie description from
W ithout a word she turned away.
Tlie mournful resignation ot her air
and attitude touched me, and as
she turned I aw a tear roll silently
down and fell upon the baud
stretclied to the door-haudle. I
couldn't stand that.
"Stop!" I exclaimed, one mo
ment. I am 6ure I feel certain
I may trust vou. You will tell
I take the ring from its security,
I hold it out timidly for the blue
eyes to examine.
I see vet the look of delight over
spread her tine features I see the
expression of almost childish pleas
ure in her eyes as she inoaea up ar,
me and clasped her hands and cried
out: "The ring, the ring! Oh, Al
fred, my dear brother."
Her hand was unon it: such a
tremulous, happy eagerness in her
glance ; such a caressing fondness
in her way of fingering it now
pretty she was!
"Mv dear child" (I am forty),
"It ori'ves me sincere pleasure.'
Tlten I summered; then I sprang
afWr her. " A t least you will leave
vnur address with me."
What a look shades her nice
now! Wounded integrity, mingled
with pity for me.
"Ah, sir," she says handing me
the card on which she bad been
penciling, "some day you will be
sorry tor this. You do not trust
Certainly I am a brute. The
aocent of reproach in her voice
haunts me; the sorrowful glance of
her eve how pretty she is! I sit
down to my breakfast in tlie morn
ing half inclined to call at the ad
dress given and apologixe for my
How delightful to see her iu her
own peculiar atmosphere, minister
ing to the sick brother, who is all
she has in the world; to look upon,
if ouo cannot enjoy, tlie beautiful
tenderness of a gentle sister to an
Hut my letters wait, and, I toy
with them. This is a hand I know?
What does Kred want, 1 wonder?
1 tear it open. I read :
Dkak J ack What a queer
chance if you have stumbled upon
my ring. I was obliged to run
down to Romford very late last
evening, and never missed it till
we slackened at Ilford. A pretty
taking I've been in. If it's mine,
the crest is inside. You know it
a mared hand, holding a lance,
and the motto, 'Armed at all
points.' Verily, truth is stranger
than fiction. Keep it for me."
Idiot! Gull! It is quite useless
to call myself names. It is almost
superfluous to add that when I
called at a 'certain address at has
ton square, to inquire for Mist Lucy
Hamilton, the lady was not to be
found. Probably the "near Al
fred" had required speedy change
of air; probably brother and sister
were even embracing in rapturous
gratitude over the precious relic of
one lost to them so lately. Was
that dear one not lost, but trans
formed? Had the silver-haired
patriarch of the first visit changed
to the buck of the third? And was
tlie virtuous teacher of youth only
the tender sister in masquerade?
On my word I believe so. 1 dare
say they are all enjoying the joke.
Possibly it is a dodgd often repeated.
Hut what am I to say to Fred ?
1 tj 1 4
Hill to to Urukan-ltfftrft MwMll.
A broken-hearted young thing
writes to a weekly paper as follows :
"About three years ago I became
acquainted with a young gentleman;
aim, although he never paid me
any particular attentions, he would
often accompany me to and from
church, etc. But lately, I noticed
a great change in him. He avoids
me as much as possible, and starts
if I address him. (an he have
ceased to love me? for I know he
did, though he never said so. If I
thought he had, it would break my
heart." Perhaps we ought not to
interfere in this matter; but, as we
know exactly what should be done
with the young man, we feel as if
we ought to speak out. Oo nt
attempt to reason with him or ca
jole or pacify him. The next time
he calls, take a monkey wrench,
fasten it well Uion his nose, lead
him off to the dining-room and ask
him what he means. If he won't
answer, twist the wrench three or
four times and butt his head up
against the stove or the mantel
piece until his gloom is dispelled.
If he says he has ceased to love
you let your fingers dally with his
ringlets lovingly for a few minutea,
and then suddenly litt out a couple
of hand tills and have an Irishman
at hand to come iu and sit ou him
awhile and knock out his teeth
and jump up and down on him and
be sociable. Then let him go and
commence your arrangements to
rope iu a fresh man. You cannot
afford to wate your young lite
upon such a wretch as thi ; and
where heart wi I not throb to heart
or soul respond to soul, the best
thing to do w to contuse tlw uote
One of tl incidents of the de
molition of Washington Market
was tlw following speech delivered
from the top of a box : "I am Mrs.
Martha O'Donnell, tlie A No. 1
fat woman of Washington Market.
I came into this market weighing
200 pounds, and I now weigh 345
pounds. I have been liere fifteen
years, have paid 818 a month, and
have made $100,000, and intern! to
mane 8100,000 more. I have a
farm ot ten acres on Long Island,
and support a husband like a gen
tleman and a family in luxury, and
I give them fast horses and carriages
with which to enjoy tliemselves.
I have stood the most intense cold
in Winter without a fire, and tlie
greatest lieat in Snmmer, and have
never taken cold or beeu overheat-ed."
Ladies travelling across the
plains carry their hair in their pock
ets to avoid being scalped.
Editor a poor wretch who
empties his brain to fill bis stomach.
"Don't worry about my going
away darling. Absence, you know,
makes the heart grow fonder." "Of
somebody else," added the darling.
"The independent press can afford
to tell the truth," says an enthusi
astic editor. "Yes; and tell it at
all times," responds his malicious
"Owing to the death ot the editor
there won't be any leader Tuesday,,' '
says a Wisconsin weekly, "but
look out tor an old ripper on Wed
nesday." The dying words of a Delaware
woman were : "Henry, it you marry
again, remember it only takes a
cup full of sugar to sweeten a quart
Two business partners in Cincin
nati liked each other's wives so
well that they both divorced and
remarried, and now live as happily
as can be.
The retiring editor of a Kansas
paper " valeclicts" himself at follows :
"It I have said anything through
these columns that I am sorry tor,
I am glad of it. To my friends, I
thank your liberality, and to my
enemies, you can go to the devil."
Alice. "Do you know, uncle,
that horrid Mr. Binks dec ares that
you have taken to hard drinking?"
Uncle George. "Not true, my
dm no! Never drank easier in
"Oh, Ma," said a lttle girl who
had been to the show, "I've seen
the elephant "and he walks back
wards and eat with his tail."
The editor of the Gazette,
having heard that sulphur in the
socks will prevent cholera, has
worried a stick of brimstone out of
the new druggist, and now wants
tome one to loan him a pair of
socks while he tries the thing.
What word is always pronounced
Why is a minister near the end
ot his sermon like a ragged urchin?
Because he's toward his close.
"What's the use of trying to be
honest?" asked a young man the
other day of a friend. "Oh! you
ought to try it once and see," was
A contemporary, speaking of the
difficulty ot a newspaper editor
pleasing every body, says : Even if
one sounded the pra ses ot his Ma
ker the devil would be offended."
A Dutchnun getting excited
over an account of an elopement ot
a married woman, gave his opinion
thus: "If my vife runs away mit
anoder man's vife, I shake him out
of his preeches, if she be my fadder,
Grace Greenwood relates as an
instance of the extravagance o!
New England humor, that when a
young fanner's wife made her first
boy's (nuts precise y as ample be
fore as behind, the father exclaimed,
"Goodness ! he wont know whether
he's going to school or comming
The Woman's Journal, Boston,
has captured a Massachusetts girl
who walked forty miles in two days
to attend a circus.
If you want to know -whether a
tret is hollow or not, ax it
"Mother Murphy, will you have
an onion?" Mother Murphy : "No,
ma'am, thank ye; I don't caro for
"I have some sad news for you,
my dear; your, doctor Mr. Crush
bone, died this morning." Jimmy
(one of six) "then we shan't hay
any more babies, ma, shall we J"