L P Fiaher
VOLUMK V.
ALBANY, OREGON. JUNE 13, 1873.
NO- 41.
The Rnllroad Hotf.
"This is taken, sir." Afl person
who have traveled to any consider
ble extent are familiar with this
formula. It tells the story of the
railroad hog the small-souled,
mean, selfish brute who pays grudg
ingly for one seat and strains his
Miiail wit to hold two. This par
ticular hog wore a plug hat shiny
with the genuine Boston gloss, an
enameled shirt and closely-cropped
iron grey lieard. 1 know his kind,
lie is an eminently respectable beast
who always pays his debts promptly,
takes an interest in Sunday Schools,
administrates his deceased brother's
children of their patrimony, is presi
dent of joint stock computes and has
biographical eulogies published in
the newspapers when he kicks the
bucket.
I knew the lug lied when he said,
"This seat is taken, sir," but I found
one that was not taken, sir, and
watched him to see how many times
he would reproduce the falsehood.
The coach was rather full and
would you believe it, that misera
ble hog told sixteen separate and
distinct lies in order to gratify his
mean selfishness. Enough to sink
a healthier soul to perdition. He
varied the formula; one time it was
a wive of the hand and a look to
the rear of the car to indicate that
the holder of the seat had gone for
a drink of water and would be back
soon. Another time, to the inquiry
it a mild mannered and timid ques
tioner lie replied by a stolid stare,
and then spreading himslf a little
wider, he resumed the perusual of
his newspaper.
I was tempted to crawl up behind
him and hiss into his ear, " You are
fl.ii awful liar." Hut I had nry re
venge. A big red faced two hun
dred pounder, in a dirty linen coat,
came in at a way station. He was
sweaty to a fearful degree. His feet
smelt like valerinate of ammonia
and rotten fish, and his breath was a
hot, stiiikinu sirocco, based on bad
whiskey and onions. This fiery and
fragrant behemoth preferred to set
tle himself in the seat that was
taken. " This seat is V began
the hog. ' Well, 1 guess I'll take
it till the other lellow comes," re
turned the sweetsiue ling heavy
weight, and down he plumped,
partial crushing the hog in fiis
descent. The latter frowned and be
gan to bluster, but the red faced
ruffian soon took that out of him
with a threat to swallow him whole
chaw him up and spit him out to
pitch him out of the window to
go through him like a dose of salts,
and to make various other disposi
tions of him in case he didn't sim
mer down. Our porcine friend sim-
mered,and then the harbariaau grew
good-humored lie told funny an
ecdotes, and poked the hog ill tite
ribs, lie wanted to know where
lie came from and where he was
going. He spat quarts of tobacco
juice across him out ot the window,
aPatterifig his shirt front, between
,is boots, and all round He olter
liirn a chew every time he took out
h's plug ol navy. The hog perspir
ed freely, &"d shiverd with disgust,
l inally he crawled out and stood
up for forty miles until another seat
was vacated.
The Kitchburg, Mass., Sentinel,
an excellent paper, is going to start
a daily. We are glad of it. We
r-tarted a daily once. We ran it
nearly tour months, and then paus
ec Since then we take a lively in
terest in such enterprises. We have
no doubt the Sentinel people will
make the daily work, and we are
quite positive it will make them
work. A man who goes through
life without having started a daily
paper misses a rare and valuable
exierienoe. Falling down stairs
with a cook-stove will hardly com
pensate hvaLDaidmry News.
Sired Life In Bimbory.
Old Mr Watson, on Nelson
street has got a nice little bill to
pay. He sent a man down town
tor a pot of paint aud a ladder
The man got the paint an then went
to a lumber yard after a ladder.
Then he tied the paint pot on the
end of the ladder, and put the lad
on his shoulder. Thw was a very
smart arrangement, and the man
himself admired it very much,
lie started for home )m way, and
didn't find a y trouble in getting
along the first block, because peo
pie had an impression that a long
ladder with a pot of yellow paint
dangling on the end of it wasn't ex
actly the thing to tune with, so
they balanced along on the curb
stone, or rubbed up against the
buildings. Pretty soon the man
saw somebody in a store he knew,
aud he turned around to speak to
him, aud drove one end of the lad
der into a millinery case and knock
ed the crown out of an $18 bonnet.
Then he backed off in affright, and
knocked down two sewing machine
agents with the other end Then
he started to turn annual, an old
gentleman who was desperately en
deavoring to pull his wife out of
danger, saw the peril, and shouted
out, "Hi, there!" but it was too late.
The pot struck against Mi awning
post, tipped to one side, aud the en
tire contents went over the aged
couple. This so startled the man
that he whirled completely around
smashing in an entire storefront,
frightening a milkman's team and
knocking over some thirteen persons
who were actively dodging about
to get out of the way. i'heu he
dropped the ladder and tied into
the country, shouting "murder"
and fire at every jump. A regular
ordained painter is now engaged on
Mr. Watson's house.
The Tautology of Legal Jar.
OOJf. Some idea of the tautology
of legal firm u lie may be gathered
from the following specimen, where
in, if a man wishes to give another
an orange, instead of saying, "I
give you that orange," he must set
forth his "act and deed" thus : "I
give you all and singular, my estate
anil interest, rig'.t, title, and claim,
aud advantage of in aud to that
orange, with all its rindi skin, juice,
pulp, aud pips, aud all right and
advantages therein, with full power
to bite, cut, suck, or otherwise eat
the same orange, or give the same
away, with or without itsrii d,skin,
juice, pulp, and pips, anything
heretofore or hereinafter, or in any
other deed or deeds, instrument, in
strument of whatever kind or na
ture sover, to the contrary in any
wise notwithstanding."
The Skorbt of Emmjutskck.
I owe my success in life to one fact,
namely: At theageot twenty-seven
I commenced and continued for
years, the process of dai y reading
and speaking upon the contents of
some historical or scientific book.
These off-hand efforts were made
sometimes in a cornfield, at others
in the forest, aud not unfrequemVy
in some distant barn, with the
horse and ox tor my auditors. It
is to this early praetve hi the great
art of arts that 1 am indebted for the
primary anil leading impulse that
stimulated me fbrwar and shaped
and moulded ray entire subsequent
destiny Improve then, young gen
tlemen, the surperior . advantages
you here enjoy. Let no day pass
without exercising your power of
speech, lhere is no power like
oratory. C'assar controlled men oy
exciting their tears, Cicero, by1 cap
tivating their effections, and sway
ing their passions. The influence
oi the one perishes with the author;
that of the other continues to this
day. Henry Clay.
Mfcl BrtffhtAt Hour.
Not long since I met a gentle
man who is assessed tor more than
a million Silvered was his hair,
care upon nis brow, and he stoop
ed beneath his burden of wealth.
We were speaking of that period
when we had realized the most per- j
tect enjoyment, or, rather, when we
had found the happiness nearest to
being unalloyed. "I'll tell yon,''
said the millionaire, when was the
happiest hour of my lite. At the
age of one and twenty I had saved
$86. I was earning $500 a year,
and my father did not take it from
me, only requiring that I should
pay for my board. At the age of
twenty one I had secured a pretty
cottage just outside of the city. I
was able to pay two-thirds of the
value down and also to furnish it
respectably. I was married on Sun
daya Sunday, in June at ray
father's house. My wife had come
to me poor in purse, but rich in the
wealth ot her womanhood. 1 he
Sabbath aud the Sabbaih night we
passed beneath my father's roof, and
on Monday morning I was to work,
leaving my mother and sister to
help in preparing my home. On
Monday evening, whe" the labors
of the day were done, I went not
to my parental shelter as in the
past but to my own house my own
house The holy atmosphere of
that hour seems to surround me
even now in the memory. I open
ed the door of my cottage and enter
ed I laid ray hat n the little
sta id in the hall and passed on to
the kitchen our kitchen and din
iugroom were both one then. I
pushed open the room door and was
in heaven. The table was against
the wall. The evening meal was
ready prepared by the hand of
her who had come to be my help
meet in deed as well as in name
and by the table, with a throbbing
expectant look upon her face, stood
ray wife. I tried to speak and could
not. I could only clasp the wait
ing angel to my bosom, thus show
ing to her the elastic burden of my
heart. The years have passed
long, long years and worldly
wealth has flowed in upon me and,
I am honored and envied, but as
true as heaven, I won d give it all
every dollar for the joy of that
June evening, long ago
Sick headache almost always de
pends upon an ill condition of the
stomach from over-eating, and may
be promptly relieved by drinking a
teacuptul of water, a little warm,
every five minutes, until the stom
ach is so full that a feather or fin
ger in the throat will give an effect
ual discharge of all the stomach con
tains. If it is simply a nervous af
fection, sit in hot water for fifteen
minutes; the good effects are some
times increased if some carbonate of
soda is put in the water, oue ounce
to two gallons. The philosophy of
the action of the water is that it
draws the excess of blood, which
oppresses the interior organs, to the
mvfws.lMPsJournaloj Health.
Indianapolis police officers find
pistols in the street and then the
Indianapolis Journal advertises the
fact, at the same time making the
statement i:i regard to the weapon
that "any one claiming it will lie
prosecuted tor carrying concealed
weupous." Ot course no one in
quires for the pistol under such
circumstances, and so the officer sells
it, and then goes off and gets drunk
on the proceeds with the Journal
man.
A Vienna actress, deciding to
break a marriage engagement at
the very last moment, sent the pro.
tessional excuse, "Fraulein Gal
meyer is unfortunately hoarse, and
cannot attend the ceremony."
runny.
It. W. Leach, late of Jackson
ville. 111., has lately started a paper
in Central City., Colorado, which
has, among other spicy things, the
following:
WARNING.
The writing editor of the CwcA
carries his office in his hat, and will
always be found at home.
The fighting editor has none on
the docks, but the Cardiff Giant
takes his place and will be around
every Saturday evening to settle all
difficulties.
The financial editor, who went
to Vienna, has resigned. B Erlan
ger will sett'e the bills of all those
who can find him.
OUR PRIVCIPr.ES.
The Coach has neither politics
nor religion. The driver will crack
his whip over whoever he pleases.
The Coach has neither money
nor credit, and doesn't need any.
We have no list of exchanges,
and don't expect any. If any one
says anything mean about us, we
desire a copy. If anything good,
they can keep it to themselves.
Our stock of modesty is ban ly
sufficient for our own use. We
have none to sell, and don't know
any one in these parts that wants
to buy any.
RRS0LUTI0N8.
Resolved:
That quotation marks are a nuis
ance That we don't know auything
about grammar.
That we can't spell, and don't
want to learn.
That we never saw a Rhetoric
That we won't do anything for
nothing.
We will never go back on a friend
or let up on an enemy.
A Doo Worth Something. The
following is from the Portland (Me.)
Press: A. B. Newman, assistant liffht
keeper at Mt. Desert, Is the owner of
a Hue Newfoundland dog, or whom we
are told the following anecdote: on
Sunday, the 15th ult., Mr. Newman's
little boy, fifteen years old, strayed
away and was missing for iibout two
hours, me mother went out ot doors
and called to him. when the dog.
response, ran up from the shore with
the boy's wet cap in hi mouth, and
signified bv his actions i It'll he desired
her to follow him. The mothei.
alarmed called the father, who was
sleeping in the house, and they follow-
eil the dog as quickly as possible.
Down by the shore on a rock, the
little boy was lying insensible, his
clothes wet, as if he had been dragged
from the water. After long efforts, in
whieli the dog rendered all the assist
ance he could in his way. the boy was
resuscitated, aud afterward told his
story. He was on ti e beach gathering
shells when a large wave came in aud
carried him off in the undertow. The
dog jumped in after him. but the wave
prevented him from reaching the boy
for some minutes. He seized him by
the leg of his trowsers and tried to
drug him ashore, but the cloth tore in
his teeth, and the boy said hi had an
indistinct recollection of the Hog eoni
Ing (town below the surface for him
again, anil that was the last thing he
was conscious of. It seems the dog
had dragged the child upon the
rock out of the reach of the high
waves, and had tried to restore him.
When he heard the mother's call lie
took the cup to inform her, as well
as he could of the accident, aud hast
en assistance.
To settle a bet a petition was re
cently presented to a worthy citizen
ot Detroit, Mich., prayin for the abo
lition ot the fire and police depart
ments and his own. execution. He
glanced at the first few lines and
"chalked" down his name.
An ludiana lawyer lately defend
ed a man for keeping his saloon
open after ten o'clock at night.
1 le made the plea that it was ten un
til it was eleven, and won his case.
A Southern paper says that liar
to county has turned out eighteen
ministers since the war. It doesn't
state what they werer turned out
for.
PACIFIC coast nkws.
Matches and powder in the pocket
of a little son of Rev. A. Myers, of
Salem.engage in firing a small cannon,
caused a painful accident to him last
week. The latter was exploded by
the former, tearing the boys clothes,
setting his shirt on Are, burning his
neck, breast and face in a horrible
manner, says the Statesman. A few
days after the little fetrow ventured
out doors, taking cold and making
matters worse, but he was getting well
slowly at last accounts.
A crusning impression was made on
the finger of"ye local" ot the Eugene
City Hawk-Eye last week, by a Gordon
job press. We condole that digit.
The Uawk-Eye says it "has plenty
of steam for a year's Voyage," and
will sail whether it finds a "breeze"
or not. Isn't that breezy talk!
Judge O. N. Denny presented the
Canby Post, 6. A. It., with an elegant
Mihle on last Thursday evening, says
the Oregonian.
George Wells, a Grandy county
farmer of Iowa, last year raised 39,000
bushels of wheat, 65.000 bushels of
corn, and 12.000 buslieta of barley.
Exceedingly well for Mr. Wells.
Troy weight A baby of one pound
six ounces born there last week.
Tlie Britisli National Debt is $3,929,
000.000. Ours is $2,153,489,155. If
Johnv can stand hls'n ought'n we to
stand ourn!
The Shalt of Persia has set apart a
fluid of Ave millions sterling for his
European tour. Three of his wives
and all of his Cabinet will go with him.
The fishermen of Massachusetts
are said to be a fine-looking, vigor
ous set of men, and are regarded as
the healthiest class. Their diet,
while at work, is composed of fish,
pork, potatoes and hard bread,
with occasionally a little fresh meat
Persons in bad health from indiges
tion experience great benefit by
taking an amateur fishing voyage.
A Summer excursion of three
mouths, to Polynesia, including the
Sandwich, Fiji and Friendly Isl-
amis, is being arranged for in San
Francisco The number of excur
sionists will be limited to seventy,
and the round trip will cost $500
in gold.
A new theory to account for the
existence of prairies is that the
young Indian bucks had pocket
knives, and they killed the trees
that "use to was" by cutting the
names of their "dusky maidens" on
the bark.
We see that the San Francisco
Alia is in favor of Attorney Gen
eral Williams for the position of
Chief Justice of the United States.
No better selection can be made.
The Statesman "goes for" the
"infernal predatory" cow brutes
that ravage the garden sass and so
on of that scrumptious city. It
wants the city dads to "pound"
em.
One way of showing self-conceit
is to speak disparagingly ot ones
ability, disclaiming to possess any
of it. Ad Olympia editor fingers
on that string.
A boy about ten years old, ragged
ami almost barefooted, dropped into
the Central station at Detroit, and
one of the men asked him where
his father was. "Dead." replied
the lad. " Where is your mother?"
"Run away," was the answer.
ficer; "I should think you would
feel pretty lonesome." "Not a bit
of it,'' exclaimed the boy, bright
ening up; "there's going to be the
biggest circus here next month you
ever set your eyes on!M