AI.lyY llWilSTKK. DRUGS. K'iV. "They Who Have Nothing for Sale arc Farthest from Market A. CARQTHER3 & CO., C. ME ALE Y. FURNITURE -NH- itarwln's Theory. The 7W Vrlur m a theory in iv femtH? to the origin of man. which he projioses to ventilate in opposition to that of iMrwin. who uruijrs -ninny rtown flic dim htahwnjr of Hfi trout tiio inonkoy with the prelienslle tail to tl- man with lib long (burets of dextiou- nianipnlatlou to itesi anil hold things coming within In retu-h. fhe theory of Iterwln lias mnrh to commend it to our comprehension ami belief; imrNthe bshooii and the gorilla and the oranjt-oitaii! so widely dittVr eiit from the present species oi man as some would have u (liiiik. The habits of the two animals (man ami monkey, are not essentially unlike. I'he disposition of the monkey to run wild in tin' woods, to avoid school, to nlajr hookey, to tear leave- out of biHks. to Imitate his elders, to experi ment in smoking and cliewingtobnceo, to worrv the eat and play with the tire, is verv "likethe animal hoy. lli" fond ipss fur tree mid nuts and t'rnit Is not UDilke. and the school hoy exhibits a nearly equal (Utility in cllmblnR trees and tellies. The 'monkey steals for two motives: for his belly and lor mis chief. The boodlmn does the same thing. As the monkey advances in WW he becomes grave and sedate: so does the man Some monkey- get wicked and bite ; some men grow sour and nglv. Some monkeys need the ebdn : some men neinl the State Prison to curl) their propensities. Some of the monkey secie get amiahle as they grow old. 'like the Town ' Wr, and only grin and chatter out their lives, than laid if the looker-on throws them nuts and confections in return but there, is another long-tailed BUTmal trom whleh doubtless a portion ot man kind lias sprung an animal domestic among us. interesting hi his habits ; hii animal preferring to live in houses, oomiverous, mysterious, prolitie. mi gratory, brave in battle, irresistible in its rage, cannibal in its hunger. We refer to tlte nit. Cut off the rat's, till I, elmuge his fore paws into hands, stand mm mi ins ciie-i. iiiiuir - ionabla garments, put a hat upon Ills head, teach Inn. to talk, and yon have n man. Now let tlie rat drink wlii-ky iini mi ii - r ne-r. c ntnc linn in i,i-h- u-Iu.ii In- is treated. . smoke w hen lit ii asked.) ate him a rani t write wliat lie is Kiid for.: dwarf him in stature to four feet six. ft'vt- him a shoclthig lid lwt. a greay coat, lei him retain all his vanity, conceit, im ptideiR'C, lugratlUale. dishonesty, all hismeim aiidrat-like propeti'ttles, and. lthouj;l you Iiave not quite a man, you have the Hoheniian nit. who think' the Tmm Orlar has lost liis wits. Take unother instance : Give tlie developed mta lonff-talleil black coat, a white cboker,a bombazine waistcoat, a broail ortmmed hat. let him draw Ills Dice i at the eyebrows and down at the hin. and you liave a preach. Put lilm in the pnlpit with a congregation of eats eating stolen cream. I tlie iivine becomes eloquent hi tlie denim elation of sins he cannot enjoy. Let him take me vows oi iriunev ;m, mm mv . , Imstitv and take Jtiuff. and you have ; big white iwt with some black letters a r "t. Take off his sh.a and put ! on Itwhlcl. read C 80 .- an n rope arouuil his wai-t. and yon have : derlug John, ill tlie New 'i ork Mm. :i monk. Clothe him differently, let A Clairvoyant advertises in nil east him retain his side whisker, part Ills erf. exchange her ability to "tell our lmtr in the middle, put a hot imiuto in ' future and to untold tlie record of our bis mouth, andliehold an Englishman. I tat,." f we jwill send onr "lialr and Teacli him to chew tobai-no, stand on Uyua in a sealed envelope." Alas! tlie oorbstooe with a crooked-handled j ue cannot. We are exceedingly anx enne, and lo! a politician. Let these ou, to have our future told ; we want rati get hungry ami g to eating each ! tolntve the n-conl of our fate unfolded, other up. anil then you have lawyers Unit we have no hair we arelwld; orbrokers. WithnetticnatnandcriiKv :UH we mmnot spare our eyes we line is a female witli furtive eye. co- dare not entrust tla;m to a sealed eu luettlng with every piaser-by. Ght a : velope. Some arrangements might lie little social crosd around a pan of, m,ie. jierlw)s, if tlie seer woukl send ,.. i i.t, f trictwl ,-Iiin-sj. nrul ., Mi.nlil.. mm, in hike tltose eves with 1 1 1 in jki- tlie vows of celihncv ,not -i lunch party with all Its tattle and gossip Is liefore you. 1'erlMps, after Sit. tlie origin of species U not confln ed to either nionkey or rats, llie ikMxrine of Zoroaster may be true, and souls may transmigrate from tlie ani mal to the human form. A'ew Utter. New eogmTings next week. Distast viKW iik t'ASTLK ROCK. 1'OI.CMHIA ltiVKit. Omm. j ill -nomi u enterprising Quaker greases a thirty foot board, tills it full of fish hook's, and sets it up at an angle of liirtv-tlve degrees, with a pretty slice of old cheese at, the top, Thirty nits went for the cheese ill one night, and his nit fishery was successfully dein onstniCul the next morning. "What shall we name onr little boy?" -aid a voting wite to her husband. (ail him Peter." (Hi. no I never knew anybody named Peter that could earn his salt. Well, call htui Salt Peter, then. A doctor and a Campbelllt preach er rldlngalongtogetherhi the outskirts of King-ton. Missouri, not long ago, overtook a raggcil.iivhhi with a string of small llsh, which he had just eiindit in a creek close by. The preacher accosted the lad III a patronizing way: Mv son, what do you call those flhr , , 'Campbellltes,' promptly responded the boy. , , Why do you call them Campbell ltes?' Because they spoil so quick attcr 1 get them out Of the water.' I was riding in the ears some days ago, and t sat alongside a fellow who was weather-lieatcu. as if he liad been sitting six weeks astraddle of a water melon, trying to put out the sun by spitting at it. We coversed. 1 said to him. 'What's your name ?' Says tie. 'Adol'plius.' Says I, "Your mother's name?' Says he. 'Mary.' I looked amazed. thd .says I. -Mary: Alary ! can it be possible that you are the iamb?' Savs lie. 'The what?' Sa'vs I. -The lamb that Mary had.' lie re-veal-ed the fact tluit lie was not the lamb, and he furtlierobsi'n'ed. It is all tired hot." Says I, 'Did you ever visit a tropical dime?' Savs lie 'A what ?' Sa'vs I. 'A hot iTuue." Savs lie. .limuilny cnx. stranger ,. , i , fi i :n v ti .i" I've plonghet up a s dM llltl iw rtf o duly when the sun set IWWS t km tire, and it that am t a hot climb uO,u I Imiii't lii-i-n to one as vet. Before I laid time to reply, the con ductor enme along and shouted tick ets.' Orcein I've got none. Conductor .Money then. Oreeiiy I hain't any. i ' inductor (lot a pas-? (ireeny o. I hain't got a pass. ( 'ondnctor Thunder and spikes, you don't exect to travel on these ears for nothing, do yon? 1 ( Jn-puy You advertise to take afel ow for nothing anyhow. Conduct or I low so? Greeiiv Why. down there Into your orifice in Cinciunatl. you've got a "rent big s gn stuck up in store writ ing, it savs, Through to New York without change.' The conductor droppisl his anchor nnil nut Mint reiiow asnore ngm. w.v about the hair we cannot tell. It Is very sad that a man's infirmities can thus bar his way to bliss ; but It Is so, and we must submit. Tlie most Ingenious, practical sar casm ever made use of was that of the late Hev. Robert Hall, addressed to a clergyman who had obtained, a lucra- nun ill a cnrpei-";'n ; I S 3 the living after a change of religions opinions. Mr. Hall had pressed him haul upon tlie question of Church He form. .Tlie gentleman's eon-taut an swer to the arguments addressed to llilil was : 1 can't see it." "1 don't see it. I can't see that at all." Mr. llalk took a letter from his pocket and wrote on the back of it with his rncil. in small letters, the word God. "Do von see that?" -Yes' lb- thoh covered it with apiece ot io voit sec it now.'' "No.'" 'I must wish you a good-morning, sir." said Mr. Hall, and left lllm to Ills meditations. The Mobile HeyMer (Democratic! slightly differs with diaries Sumner in regard to tlie purposes of the so called "Liberal" party. According to Mr. Sumner's pretended Ideas, the election of Greeley would not transfer the (iovrrnmeiit from Republican hands, while the tieytititf asserts that it would, and would restore all the old rebels to power. Charles speaks in the N orth, where a lie on the sub ject will answer lutter than the truth. The tejfstw. notorious for speaking its mind, says what it believes, and what w ill certainly be the case it' the loyal men of the country fail of their dlltv in November. l'ATKNT GATE, h-C. Self-Opening and Self-Closing (i A T E . PATENTED DY JOHN MCKASON, June i. UH.7. 'I'HK HATE is fV COSSTBl'CTEI) That i when the velilele apprnaelieii il Hie wheels on one side pass o er u lever which i- eoniinetisl to the folio hiii'e li a n I, 1 tluisiqxinlaa Hie ante iK'l'ore you una nisi- . enlnn it open. After siAni thtorinh, the (tirriaae pasnos over a similar lever, ulsn (unnut-tvu with llieuate blnae.i'anslnxtho i ivtu: in i!- rotation, to shut hchiml you anil fasten. i No Getting Out of Tour Vehicle ! Xu liaising of I.otrhcs Nor Pulling of Strings, Except tiio frililmns" of your team. It is often cuIUltl TI1K"I,AY MAX'S GATE,'' And a "Dead Open and Shut." Thin irate is Dimple in its construction, I th ol iron anil WOOd Work, unit not likely to kui out of order. If n neat, cheap irate lsiWslre'1,11 niav lie lniuleliht, will) three crns- imrs ot wood ami oni--fiiirtli iml) wire, neatly curved at tlie toil, the lower end hid In thfl holtotn liar, which is the stvie of a lhctory made vate. Tile wiles are now in pnictlcal am in miveml of the eiimitiesHrouml San rranclseo, anil plenty of lestliponinals can iriicn. THOMAS J. SAFFORD, Having mirehased the Right for Linn ., Oregon, s I llns no-.v on hand, and will manufacture 1 t he iiliovcdescrlliod irate. Wherever It has liccn used It lias received the liUrhcst en couiliiiiis, as the liirtre nnnilier of wrtill cateo from prominent formers In all parts of tlie country, now in my hands, will testify. CAnRIAUESAXDWAGOXS, Of All Desoriptioni, On hand and manufactured to order. BlaeMlUhlug and Repairing Done to order at most reanonahle rates. Shop foot of ferry street, opposite Resell, Moatelth A l.'o.'s flonrlnir mills. THOMAS J. SArrOBD. Alliaiiy.lK't.M, ls7l-Svl WHO KNOW tins TO UK TRt'E Ar - n.U.,11, re- oolvliii; ail'lttionn i The lararcst Stock of floods ,,1 hum USDAL TO THHR TRASS I A30VE PORTLAND, And AT SUCH PRICES Thnt Purchaser, Shall be Satisfied. Desidrs a Larc Stock of DRUGS, CHEMICALS PATENT MEDICINES, Paints, Ihe uffs,and Oils, Tho7 beep Yankee Notions, Oonfoctionory j Finest Tobaeco & f igars WOSTENHOLMS CUTLER SPICES. PERFUMERY, (All kinds , TOILET SOAP, A Sit Everything CPUAM.Y OBTAINED IS A STKKTLY First Class j DRUG ESTABLISHMENT. Sit ARTICLE SOLI) Out what i 011 a ran to I'd To Be JUST AS REPRESENTED Ana Must "toe Good. Arctic Socio. A C A HO Til CltS A CO . .IOH 1IXTI.(J, THE! ALBANY REGISTER PRINTING HOUSE WITH NEW AMI IAST POHER AM) 18 Wis I P II E S S K S. latest and most Desirtilile si j its or m " Material, Is itndnnlitedly THE SHEBANG TO GO FOR When yon wish Posters, or Visiting Cards, Business Cards, Bill Heads, Letter Heads, Envelopes, Ball Tickets, Prnframmes. "O" 7 Labels Bui whv nartienlarize. when It is sen- orally ncknowletlgetl tluit e are i ON IT When it comes under tlie he-'d of IWflMis r'iiL IS rrs .-!s, tSTCome to see us, onct 1 W .1 - C A BINET W A'R E ! BEOS tl RE Bins VI J TiATTlMifcSKS Of ftll HSLinclta sima BEDS Gf B wy DcsCril,oi : MIRRORS, Picture Frame, WINDOW SHADES, WIADOW CORNICE CHINESE MATTING! CK AMBER SUITS in every ttylc PARLOR SETS of Substantial pattera LOUNGES, Or EVERT DESCRIPTION TABLES, titer M le known to tbe Trade : KITCIIL.li SAFES, BOOK CASES, 33Ia,t-ria-clE.s, CUPBOARDS , China cut. - V ash Stands BEDSTEADS, la cndlesN variety ; ; o b: a in. s , All Stylet and Description!, VERY LOWEST FIGURES ! UPHOLSTERY AND Undertak.ins in ull tliclr branches, Done to Order, unit Sntisfnction tiuarantred. I linvi on lniiiil a supply ol j Read y-made o!Iin, miitiiltle forall tec ileinanils of this com munity, Also, I bavo a neat for file use of mv enalniiiniM Comer nroadaluhi and Flni-stt., ALBANY, OREUOK.