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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (Sept. 6, 1872)
"They Who Have Nothing for Sale
arc Farthest from Market
A. CARQTHER3 & CO.,
C. ME ALE Y.
The 7W Vrlur m a theory in iv
femtH? to the origin of man. which
he projioses to ventilate in opposition
to that of iMrwin. who uruijrs -ninny
rtown flic dim htahwnjr of Hfi
trout tiio inonkoy with the prelienslle
tail to tl- man with lib long (burets
of dextiou- nianipnlatlou to itesi anil
hold things coming within In retu-h.
fhe theory of Iterwln lias mnrh to
commend it to our comprehension ami
belief; imrNthe bshooii and the gorilla
and the oranjt-oitaii! so widely dittVr
eiit from the present species oi man
as some would have u (liiiik. The
habits of the two animals (man ami
monkey, are not essentially unlike.
I'he disposition of the monkey to run
wild in tin' woods, to avoid school, to
nlajr hookey, to tear leave- out of
biHks. to Imitate his elders, to experi
ment in smoking and cliewingtobnceo,
to worrv the eat and play with the tire,
is verv "likethe animal hoy. lli" fond
ipss fur tree mid nuts and t'rnit Is not
UDilke. and the school hoy exhibits a
nearly equal (Utility in cllmblnR trees
and tellies. The 'monkey steals for
two motives: for his belly and lor mis
chief. The boodlmn does the same
thing. As the monkey advances in
WW he becomes grave and sedate:
so does the man Some monkey- get
wicked and bite ; some men grow sour
and nglv. Some monkeys need the
ebdn : some men neinl the State Prison
to curl) their propensities. Some of
the monkey secie get amiahle as they
grow old. 'like the Town ' Wr, and
only grin and chatter out their lives,
than laid if the looker-on throws them
nuts and confections in return but
there, is another long-tailed BUTmal
trom whleh doubtless a portion ot man
kind lias sprung an animal domestic
among us. interesting hi his habits ;
hii animal preferring to live in houses,
oomiverous, mysterious, prolitie. mi
gratory, brave in battle, irresistible in
its rage, cannibal in its hunger. We
refer to tlte nit. Cut off the rat's, till I,
elmuge his fore paws into hands, stand
mm mi ins ciie-i. iiiiuir -
ionabla garments, put a hat upon Ills
head, teach Inn. to talk, and yon have
n man. Now let tlie rat drink wlii-ky
iini mi ii - r ne-r. c ntnc linn in i,i-h-
u-Iu.ii In- is treated. . smoke w hen lit
ii asked.) ate him a rani t write
wliat lie is Kiid for.: dwarf him in
stature to four feet six. ft'vt- him a
shoclthig lid lwt. a greay coat, lei
him retain all his vanity, conceit, im
ptideiR'C, lugratlUale. dishonesty, all
hismeim aiidrat-like propeti'ttles, and.
lthouj;l you Iiave not quite a man,
you have the Hoheniian nit. who think'
the Tmm Orlar has lost liis wits. Take
unother instance : Give tlie developed
mta lonff-talleil black coat, a white
cboker,a bombazine waistcoat, a broail
ortmmed hat. let him draw Ills Dice
i at the eyebrows and down at the
hin. and you liave a preach. Put
lilm in the pnlpit with a congregation
of eats eating stolen cream. I tlie
iivine becomes eloquent hi tlie denim
elation of sins he cannot enjoy. Let
him take me vows oi iriunev ;m, mm mv .
, Imstitv and take Jtiuff. and you have ; big white iwt with some black letters
a r "t. Take off his sh.a and put ! on Itwhlcl. read C 80 .- an
n rope arouuil his wai-t. and yon have : derlug John, ill tlie New 'i ork Mm.
:i monk. Clothe him differently, let A Clairvoyant advertises in nil east
him retain his side whisker, part Ills erf. exchange her ability to "tell our
lmtr in the middle, put a hot imiuto in ' future and to untold tlie record of our
bis mouth, andliehold an Englishman. I tat,." f we jwill send onr "lialr and
Teacli him to chew tobai-no, stand on Uyua in a sealed envelope." Alas!
tlie oorbstooe with a crooked-handled j ue cannot. We are exceedingly anx
enne, and lo! a politician. Let these ou, to have our future told ; we want
rati get hungry ami g to eating each ! tolntve the n-conl of our fate unfolded,
other up. anil then you have lawyers Unit we have no hair we arelwld;
orbrokers. WithnetticnatnandcriiKv :UH we mmnot spare our eyes we
line is a female witli furtive eye. co- dare not entrust tla;m to a sealed eu
luettlng with every piaser-by. Ght a : velope. Some arrangements might lie
little social crosd around a pan of, m,ie. jierlw)s, if tlie seer woukl send
,.. i i.t, f trictwl ,-Iiin-sj. nrul ., Mi.nlil.. mm, in hike tltose eves with
1 1 1 in jki- tlie vows of celihncv ,not
-i lunch party with all Its tattle and
gossip Is liefore you. 1'erlMps, after
Sit. tlie origin of species U not confln
ed to either nionkey or rats, llie
ikMxrine of Zoroaster may be true, and
souls may transmigrate from tlie ani
mal to the human form. A'ew Utter.
New eogmTings next week.
Distast viKW iik t'ASTLK ROCK. 1'OI.CMHIA ltiVKit. Omm. j
u enterprising Quaker greases a
thirty foot board, tills it full of fish
hook's, and sets it up at an angle of
liirtv-tlve degrees, with a pretty slice
of old cheese at, the top, Thirty nits
went for the cheese ill one night, and
his nit fishery was successfully dein
onstniCul the next morning.
"What shall we name onr little boy?"
-aid a voting wite to her husband.
(ail him Peter."
(Hi. no I never knew anybody
named Peter that could earn his salt.
Well, call htui Salt Peter, then.
A doctor and a Campbelllt preach
er rldlngalongtogetherhi the outskirts
of King-ton. Missouri, not long ago,
overtook a raggcil.iivhhi with a string
of small llsh, which he had just eiindit
in a creek close by. The preacher
accosted the lad III a patronizing way:
Mv son, what do you call those
flhr , ,
'Campbellltes,' promptly responded
the boy. , ,
Why do you call them Campbell
ltes?' Because they spoil so quick attcr 1
get them out Of the water.'
I was riding in the ears some days
ago, and t sat alongside a fellow who
was weather-lieatcu. as if he liad been
sitting six weeks astraddle of a water
melon, trying to put out the sun by
spitting at it. We coversed. 1 said
to him. 'What's your name ?'
Says tie. 'Adol'plius.'
Says I, "Your mother's name?'
Says he. 'Mary.'
I looked amazed. thd .says I. -Mary:
Alary ! can it be possible that you are
Savs lie. 'The what?'
Sa'vs I. -The lamb that Mary had.'
lie re-veal-ed the fact tluit lie was
not the lamb, and he furtlierobsi'n'ed.
It is all tired hot."
Says I, 'Did you ever visit a tropical
Savs lie 'A what ?'
Sa'vs I. 'A hot iTuue."
Savs lie. .limuilny cnx. stranger
,. , i , fi i :n v ti .i"
I've plonghet up a s dM llltl iw rtf o
duly when the sun set IWWS t
km tire, and it that am t a hot climb
uO,u I Imiii't lii-i-n to one as vet.
Before I laid time to reply, the con
ductor enme along and shouted tick
ets.' Orcein I've got none.
Conductor .Money then.
Oreeiiy I hain't any.
i ' inductor (lot a pas-?
(ireeny o. I hain't got a pass.
( 'ondnctor Thunder and spikes,
you don't exect to travel on these ears
for nothing, do yon?
1 ( Jn-puy You advertise to take afel
ow for nothing anyhow.
Conduct or I low so?
Greeiiv Why. down there Into your
orifice in Cinciunatl. you've got a
"rent big s gn stuck up in store writ
ing, it savs, Through to New York
The conductor droppisl his anchor
nnil nut Mint reiiow asnore ngm. w.v
about the hair we cannot tell. It Is
very sad that a man's infirmities can
thus bar his way to bliss ; but It Is so,
and we must submit.
Tlie most Ingenious, practical sar
casm ever made use of was that of the
late Hev. Robert Hall, addressed to a
clergyman who had obtained, a lucra-
nun ill a cnrpei-";'n ;
the living after a change of religions
opinions. Mr. Hall had pressed him
haul upon tlie question of Church He
form. .Tlie gentleman's eon-taut an
swer to the arguments addressed to
llilil was :
1 can't see it." "1 don't see it.
I can't see that at all."
Mr. llalk took a letter from his
pocket and wrote on the back of it
with his rncil. in small letters, the
"Do von see that?"
lb- thoh covered it with apiece ot
io voit sec it now.''
'I must wish you a good-morning,
sir." said Mr. Hall, and left lllm to Ills
The Mobile HeyMer (Democratic!
slightly differs with diaries Sumner
in regard to tlie purposes of the so
called "Liberal" party. According to
Mr. Sumner's pretended Ideas, the
election of Greeley would not transfer
the (iovrrnmeiit from Republican
hands, while the tieytititf asserts that
it would, and would restore all the
old rebels to power. Charles speaks
in the N orth, where a lie on the sub
ject will answer lutter than the truth.
The tejfstw. notorious for speaking
its mind, says what it believes, and
what w ill certainly be the case it' the
loyal men of the country fail of their
dlltv in November.
l'ATKNT GATE, h-C.
Self-Opening and Self-Closing
(i A T E .
PATENTED DY JOHN MCKASON,
June i. UH.7.
'I'HK HATE is fV COSSTBl'CTEI) That
i when the velilele apprnaelieii il Hie
wheels on one side pass o er u lever which
i- eoniinetisl to the folio hiii'e li a n I,
1 tluisiqxinlaa Hie ante iK'l'ore you una nisi-
. enlnn it open. After siAni thtorinh, the
(tirriaae pasnos over a similar lever, ulsn
(unnut-tvu with llieuate blnae.i'anslnxtho
i ivtu: in i!- rotation, to shut hchiml you
i No Getting Out of Tour Vehicle !
Xu liaising of I.otrhcs Nor Pulling
Except tiio frililmns" of your team. It is
TI1K"I,AY MAX'S GATE,''
"Dead Open and Shut."
Thin irate is Dimple in its construction,
I th ol iron anil WOOd Work, unit not likely
to kui out of order. If n neat, cheap irate
lsiWslre'1,11 niav lie lniuleliht, will) three
crns- imrs ot wood ami oni--fiiirtli iml)
wire, neatly curved at tlie toil, the lower
end hid In thfl holtotn liar, which is the
stvie of a lhctory made vate. Tile wiles
are now in pnictlcal am in miveml of the
eiimitiesHrouml San rranclseo, anil plenty
of lestliponinals can iriicn.
THOMAS J. SAFFORD,
Having mirehased the
Right for Linn ., Oregon,
I llns no-.v on hand, and will manufacture
1 t he iiliovcdescrlliod irate. Wherever It has
liccn used It lias received the liUrhcst en
couiliiiiis, as the liirtre nnnilier of wrtill
cateo from prominent formers In all parts
of tlie country, now in my hands, will
Of All Desoriptioni,
On hand and manufactured to order.
BlaeMlUhlug and Repairing
Done to order at most reanonahle rates.
Shop foot of ferry street, opposite Resell,
Moatelth A l.'o.'s flonrlnir mills.
THOMAS J. SArrOBD.
WHO KNOW tins TO UK TRt'E
Ar - n.U.,11, re-
i The lararcst Stock of floods
USDAL TO THHR TRASS I
AT SUCH PRICES
Purchaser, Shall be Satisfied.
Desidrs a Larc Stock of
Paints, Ihe uffs,and Oils,
Finest Tobaeco & f igars
(All kinds ,
CPUAM.Y OBTAINED IS
First Class j
Sit ARTICLE SOLI)
Out what i
011 a ran to I'd To Be
JUST AS REPRESENTED
Must "toe Good.
A C A HO Til CltS A CO
. .IOH 1IXTI.(J,
WITH NEW AMI IAST
POHER AM) 18 Wis I
P II E S S K S.
latest and most Desirtilile
si j its or
TO GO FOR
When yon wish
Bui whv nartienlarize. when It is sen-
orally ncknowletlgetl tluit e are i
When it comes under tlie he-'d of
IWflMis r'iiL IS rrs .-!s,
tSTCome to see us, onct 1
C A BINET W A'R E !
BEOS tl RE Bins VI J
Of ftll HSLinclta
Gf B wy DcsCril,oi :
CK AMBER SUITS in every ttylc
PARLOR SETS of Substantial
Or EVERT DESCRIPTION
titer M le known to tbe Trade :
- V ash Stands
la cndlesN variety ;
; o b: a in. s ,
All Stylet and Description!,
VERY LOWEST FIGURES !
in ull tliclr branches,
Done to Order, unit
I linvi on lniiiil a supply ol
j Read y-made o!Iin,
miitiiltle forall tec ileinanils of this com
munity, Also, I bavo a neat
for file use of mv enalniiiniM
Comer nroadaluhi and Flni-stt.,