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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (March 22, 1872)
if mi vol iv. ALBAXY, ORBQOS, MARCH at, ls7i Xm tin I't'HLWUKD KVCltV SATlKflAY, By COLL. VAX CLEVE, IN REGISTER BUILDINGS, t'orri'v '.try mid Fifd S'rrtta. Ill MIVI.'.s.s I'M IS. allfornla. (.I.o.i ntr I :i . . """""MT"i"MS JOHN CONNER, B AN KING TKHMS IX milts., copies ADVANCE. Three dollar. Two dollars. Ten cents. AN ADVERTlsiNc; RATES. Tntiixlenf advert lM'itOntis par sfpiiirr of len lines or less, lirst Insertion (2; each siibsuqtiuiil insertion tl. Larger wvn1 ioiii'iuu inserted on tlie most liberal term. JOB WORK. Tlnvlnir received new type, stock of col ored Inks, canls, n Gordon jobber, etc. we i lire prepared to execute all kinds of print ing In a Getter manner, anil fifty per cent cheaper than evct before offered in tills city. Exchange Office, AMIW Y, OKFtiOX. DEPOSITS RECEIVED M 1SJECT To check at sight. Intcrcsl allowed outline deposits lit coin. Exchange on Portland, San Francisco, and New York, for sin leal Mwest Riles. Collections uitideand promptly remitted. Refer, to II. Vi. Cnrbctt, Hcnfv Failing, W. s. Ladd. Hanking hours from S A. M. to 4 I'. M. Albany, Feb. t, Is7l--."vj thiols for the Rcglsler. The following gentlemen are authorized to receive and receipt for subscriptions, advertising, nr., for the RrxilsTKMl lllram Smith, Hnrrisluirg. . P. Tniniikins, Hnrrishurg. refer Hume. Brownsville. W. 11. Kirk, Urowasvttta, .1. It. Irvine. Mo. T. II. Reynolds, salem. I.. P. Eisber, San Francisco. I. P. Porter. Shedd's Station. Fletcher A Wells, ltnena Vista, Polk Co Chan, Nlukelli Jacksonville, MABBLK WOKKS. WO ROE & STAlCiER, Dealers in Monuments, Obelisks, Tombs, Hcud nnd Foot Stout', 0m&'W hna there stood near tlie vltttwii of SeaM !n ono of the callloruht iiioiintiiiii towns, a beniiti ftll cottage embowered with vines and milt trees. Tin proprietor's name "as iia,n .lida!e. Me was a ear penter by trade. Having ncnu!rcd a small fortune hv mining.' and being bachelor, lie thouglU, tliiit by building a cottage lie would soon fln'dayoinig woman who would consent to hediis wife and share Ms Imnie and forliine. 'fit. nlas! like many human ho-s hi' was doomed lo disipjHiintment. After finishim? his lniildio,r ami spending the rest of his little fortune o:i the appai l nients, he found himself without a dollar and was comiatlled to let his abode lo a rich Colonel, who. together with his wife and daughter, was Visiting f.t that time in the neigli Ikii IkmnI for the purpose, of recruiting IiU health. fi We are obliged to give, a short de rriiiionoi me House, occause It is hec essny to Hie sequel of the story. On entering the cottage, the visitor was truck w ith the exquisite taste with tin. ami now, alter Ills third at- lempt. he Had received a n4 nunisli meiit. and lie ln-gsjwl for ,Vrev. The Cttlonel loitl the carpenter tliat as lie w as already MUialied be would not proseeiite him further, and the jiilprii still Dpou bis kut', thanked bun for his leniency, aial promised tliat as long as ivw ,e would nev er make another attempt at burglary. I be next day the Colonel and his family relumed to San Francisco. - i . OltKJINAI. MbfllOD OK STKVI.IXti. A youilg fellow, named MiUholL iilllgbt in Louisville attempting to rob n house, was recognized as a noto nous thiel. wbi, tin-re man ago car ried on a novel method of mhWu niiseil a pt mpn, nnd so trained Mr the animal that whenever its imiofe. would Hit it down iiHn the gimmd it ! tremulous band lie signed the p-leda Kkkhts op a kixi word. On a certain Sahlnth evening, mine twenty years ngo. a iv,lr-s. i-lnsed young man was idly lounging under the elm trees in the public square of H'orehes ter. He bad become a wretched waif on the current of sin. Hisdavs were spent in the waking remorse of tlie drunkard; his nights wen- passed in the huffooniers of the ale-house. As be sauntered along out of humor with himself and with all mankind, a kind voice saluted him. A stranger laid his hand on his shoulder, and said In cordial tone: 'Mr. Dough, go down to our meet, ing at the town-hall to-night." A brief conversation followed, so win ning in its character, tliat the reckless youth consented to go. He went ; be Heard me appeals there made. Will would run immediately into tin-jiear-etjj house. Jlitelieli would Mat his cofMial.-out tlieshvet In his arms, os tensihlv for the iwirnosi. of showine- it I oil', and wlien in front of a residence that he wisiied ui enter he would let the coon clown. In an instnut tin which the carpenter had tilted up the ! '';"-trained auimal would supuiperoff interior. A passage ran the entire 'owarils the lion, ami its master IH'SINK.S.S CARDS. D. It. KICK, 1H. D., Ptjij'ftlelan nnit Siirsnm. Albaii) r, Or. Opuci: ox the south sttris if main street. April, s7i.'H X. S. DU BOIS HAS ON HAXH AN O CONSTANTLY reeelvbi) a lare stock of UrorcrivK ami PrwviHHMiH, Wish! and willow ware, tobauoo, clears. isinfiH'itoneryi Yankee notions, etc., etc.. wholesnleand retail, opposite R. c. Hill A Hull's drn' store, Albany, i ircuon. lvt f'allfiirnU, E.teented In Vermont Marble. and Italian 8AI.EM, OREUON. j. n. Mimiri.i.. J. x. in. i, en. UlTCIIKLI, & DOLP1I, AttoniejH nnd 4'oumelora at lata, Ol. If ITOIIS IX CHANCERY AND PIKK -n tors III inliiiii-ully. Ollkv over the old imst olllee, Pront stivet, Pc-tlnnd, Oregon. Jvt , J. t. IMW't.l.l.. - L. KLINM. POWKLI, & FM!MN, Altorne.v, hihI uuiwelor at Law, VXD KoLicrrons in chancery il. Kiinn noinrv public. Albany, Oregon. Cnlhvrtious and tonvejunees pimnptly at lendfad to. I K. U. CMAN'ott. K. Its 111 MfllUM . Notary Paltflc. i'RAXOK A III !HPKI1F.V, Altorueya mid Counsellor at I.n, AI.1IANY, OREUON. oaks: in Parruli brisk, up stairs, ivl -I . ISIiANt II MIOP AT AI.HAM . M. H, C'KANE. OW & CRAKE, Dealers In Boot, fhoi', nnd Flndintjra aluanv, oneuox, INVITE THE ATTENTION OF THE i public to their full Mock of the blest : styles In Kentlemen and ynntlfslioots, ! slioca!. guitem. Oxford ties, etc.. etc.. as well ; as to the very latest thing out in the line of bldles1 and misses gaiter, laiuionils, Newport ties. Antoinette buskins, and many oilier new and fashionable' styles. Just received at tlie City Rssit Sfore, wliirh I hey will sell as rapidlv as they can tlud punhasers who wish Arst-cla-s goods at tlie most reasonable rates. Tlny rosM'il fully Invite you to come and see their stoak, lUsits, shocs,ctc, nuuleor ivjutired lo order, und nil frw irarmnl'tt. env wxyr ktouk, kirst st'uwt, t'lrat door Wct of lleg itrr llniiil'g. 47 1 S length of the dwelling dividing it Into two compartments, the whole pas sage panneled and painted in imita tloli of oak and laurel. At the f irtber end of the liassage was an oval win dow of stained glass, about five feet from the floor. Tlie cottage contain ed a parlor and a dining room, be sides two bed rooms, a pantry and scullery. The only entrance was through the front door. ' The Colonel, together with his fam ily and servant girl, were the only occupants of the cottage, and nothing seemed to mar the quietness of the family. Regularly night after night, they went to bed about nine o'clock. They had occupied the dwelling about four weeks, when, at about nine oclix'k one night, the Colonel thought he h 'd a low creaking noise in the passage. Thinking it was robbers, tlie Colonel softly opened tlie door. 1I? was a fearless man, believing neither in ghosts nor hobgoblins, and tor outer enemies ne had a revolver in his hand. i would follow in imrsuif. If tlim-a happened to be an opening anvwhere about the building the coon was sure to flud it and enter the house at once. Of comse the people of the bouse would allow the knttiftr to come in after his pet, ami while the iiitnily and servant were lending u helping hand in effect the capture of the runa way Mitchell would laisy himself with every opportunity by picking up little things here and tla-re in the rooms in which tliey iassed after the slippery little beast. Miteliell kept up Ibfs smart little game; ipiile successfully for some time, but was linally caught, and -Mint to the penitentiary. Success Makes KNEiuiEs.Thev who am eminently suiteessfiil in business, or who achieve greatness, or even no toriety in any pursuit, must exMet lo make enemies. So "prone lo KltUh ne, to petty jealousy, sonlld envv. Is poor human nature that whoever becomes distinguished is sure to he a Peering In the darkness of . lnilrk fta-the malicious spile of those of total abstinence. Bv Ood' help he neni w, mm aeeH if yet. tikj jaa lioot-criiiipcr who tapped him on the shoulder good Joel Stratton has lately gone to heaven. Hut the youth lie an reel H tn-clav Jin foremost ofrc formers on the face of tlie tlolie. Me thinks, when I listen to tlie thunders of applause that greet John IS. Oough on the platform of Kxcter Hall, at the Academy of Music. I am hearing the echoes of that tap on the shoulder, ami of that kind invitation under the an cient elms of Worcliester. "He that wimieth souls Is wise.'' T. L. ' 'ter u :. w. uk iv, l. D. s., I f RA Dl'ATE OF CINC1X X mill lh'nial College, makes HfvtToi Xtwatut hi fHttvtl S'uhntif i'latnnr Ar t,fit iiti Ti 'ilh. tllHo. does ALL work in the line of his profession in the best and most approved method, and at us reasonable ra.es as can lie had elsew here. Nitrous Oxide administered for the pain less ct met ion of teeth if dcKlrod. Olllirln Parrlsh brick block, mi stall's. Residence ilrsl bolide south DfCongrcgntionalchiirrh, fronting on roarl bolide bl'k. J71-1S W. G, JOS Eg, ML ., HOMEOPATHIC PHYSICIAN. OFFICE ON FIRSTAR EET, ONE door west of llmadulbln. in llnrkhiirt's two Mpry brick (up stairs!, over lieo. Turrell's store. BKMIMiMCU Corner Slxlh and Fer ry streets, Albany, Oregon. tin-vi EEFfr'EL A HI i: Its' WnterWlieols SPHKlMCW, Kl.l'MKS, And Veneral Mill Maratrarrj'. C I T Y SI A R K K T , HUNT ISTKKKT, A1.1IAW, OHKUO, J. L. HARRIS, PROPRIETOR, WILL ENDKAVOR TO KEEi CON stantly on hanl a ftdl supply of A IX HINIM OF Ml-: ATS, Which will Is' of the very lajst quality. The highest market prior imid for beeves, hogs and sheep. Third door west of Ferrv. on south side of First at rent. .1. I.. HARRIS. Albany, 1XU lS71-15vt J. C. MEN DEX HALL, Notury Flllilk', IIKAI. KVI'ATK A I N St II A N K Mi FAT, ALBANY, OKKOON. UENTRC0l.l.EtTKI)AXIITAXE.sPAID for non-residents and others, making out mil estate papers, etc. Olflce one disir aUive telegmph office. 9M , 1 j- Albmi) Collcglulc lnatitutv, AI.IIANY, OKKUOX. the Kiss;ige. he saw by tlie faint light through the window, a black shallow seemingly disappear through the wall. The next morning the 'Colonel ex amined every nook and corner of ttn cottage, but discovered no secret out let, ile looked at and examined all the fastenings of tlie doors ami wins dows. but all were as secure as holt and bare could make them. The next night the inmates were awakened by the screams of tin; ser- who. not deserving switess tliemsclves. are goaded by the merited triumph of the more worthy. Moreover, the op position which originates in such des pentte motives Is sure to lie of the most unscrupulous laaractur. hesitat ing at no iniquity and descending to the shabbiest littleness. Opposition, If it he honest and man ly, is not in itself undesirable. The competitor in life's struggles who is oi true metai deprecates not opposi vant girl. On entering the passage. t,rt" or W .honorable character, but Ivillg Oil lite i rrjurevs in II. II is ouiy 1IIJUS- Ihe Colonel found her Iviuir floor in convulsions. When becoming quiet, tin girl stated that as soon as she bad put things all right in the kitchen, sin- sat down to read a news paper. After leading aw hile she felt very sleepy, and she had lighted a candle, extinguished the lamp, ami started to the IhsIi'imiiii. film out I,.,,. baud on the door handle, hut tlu. door! l nights carousal with twenty was locked. gaotsat table. He drank the laalth Xot wishing to disturb the family, : ''very person at the tab e severally, she had about turned back to tlie : After f w,"wl ,,r Hercules' cup, kitchen, wheu the light wtis blown out i .whlc' i1'1 " bicndible oiumtitv ; and the candle dashed fmm her hand, i ."'."'p. flUeu' ,K; loured it all clown. lib a scream she fell to the floor ol lice or meanness which he denrecntes ; aim despise; ami It is this which tlie successful must meet, proportioned in bitterness at the time to the measure of success which excites it. , , t'OXCJt FRED BT THE ( I P. At Klb- ylon, Alexander tlie Great la-gan the the lwtige. He told the girl not to say anything to Her neighbors of the aftalr, at least not until the mystery was plea red up. tin the following morning the Col onel went to the cabin of the carpen ter and told him about the mysterious noise and the fright of the servant girl. 1 lie carpenter said tliat he had never fore I drinking to I'rtileas, a Macedonian of the company. Afterward, lie pledged him again in the same extravagant bumper, ami fell instantly, upon tlie floor. Seneca says, "Here, tlien, this bent, iinconqued by all (lie toils of piixllglous marches, exposed to the dangers of sclges and combats, to the most violent extremes of heat and cold here lie lies suUlia.il bv his iutein- lept in the cottage, ami there- Per,!,M' 'ruck to the earth by the did not know anvthiinr about l,WW.c9P Hercules. lie TO Kb it, The Colonel returned home, anil TniE Knopc.ii. Have von heard of tl dream hi which the sleeper wa curried away into tlie dim eonrt of Hell, where Satan sat with all his bests in solemn eouneil to dellliemte upon tlie ruin of mankind ? Tlie ques tion was promised. "How can men lie ruined in the greatest numbers? And one spoke on this wise, and an- otlier on that. One advised tliat he be sent forth to nreaeb that there is no iou. "io." MM Nitan, "men can not believe that. I have tried tliat long enough, and failed." Another nroiosed to tell them that God was so holy that none hut tlie Holy Spirit emiHi reaen mm: tnat thus they might is urged in good works. 'n.' said Satan, "they soon see through tliat, anddlscovertlieirslns." "Send me,'' cried another, "and I will tell tliem that salvation Is throuirh Christ, and by his blood, and that all who lielleve will be saved. But I will whisper. 'Time enough.' " 'Ho," cried tlie arch-fiend, "and prosper." And men have believed Ibis lie in numbers, and will perish believing It. Header shall it he so with yon ? Be not deceived, Awake! awake! The axe Heth at your rout, and tlie Judge Is at your door. Escape tor your life If you want salvation. If you seek damnation and outer darltness. gh on just as you are, make no outcry, and you shall .safely reach thai goal. ' Only be assured of this salvation may ho yours to-day. The arms of I 'brist are ready to receive you. He will not cast von out. Boys, when tlie are laws a re queer enough. Mow many ridiculous no tions they have, and what singular de sires, which in after life change and slaipe tliemsclves Into cliaiitcteristics. Who remembers when he would have sold bis birth-right fora nicking horse, ami his new suit ot clothes torn mon key ? WIh) forgets the sweet faced girl, older than himself, against whose golden liair be leaned and wept bis griefs away? Who reco'lect when the i bought of licing a circus rider ap peared greater tlian to he President ; and how jeakiusly he watclasl tla- lit tle fellows licit wore spangled jacKets and turned summersets ami prayed to become like them? If memory fare- .iii J J. F. 1IACKEN.ST0, Agent, Albany, Oregon. it) DOLLARS A DAY TO MALE AND FEMALE AOKNTS, To Introduce the celebrated $23.00 Buekfye Seuing lMachlitt'. OT1TCH ALIKE ON BOTH SIDES. AND the oly shuttle sewing mac hine In the United Mate licensed to use the celebrated Wilson feed sold for less than 4u. and avk now ledged liy all to bo the best family sew ing machine, for light or heavy sewing. In tuu market. Outfit free. AdcftvMi E. E. MIN ER A CO., lien. .' gts., SOvtltf Albany, Oregon. aTb.ybootTsto tiitabllahed in 1MS8. E, I EALER I miscellaneous X. IX Frveland, EVERY VARIETY OF ii luu-iL-u 41lllSWtl I I. 1, iL i blank lawks, stationery. Wiks tmpoeted lo order ut short notice. Allmny, Duo. 8, 1870. TI'RNIrVCi I 'piIIS INSTITUTION WILL REOPEN ON L Monday, September 4, 1S71, with a corps of teachers eaimble and earnest. Instruc tion will be thorough and pmctaetil, and I lie system of order niiaurissed. For par tlcularsnddress . 'ft K. WARREN. A. If., President : Or, Rev. E. It. HE Alt Y. II. P., Albany. The Eyei! The Ears! DR. T. L. GOLDEN, Oculist and Anrlt, Albany, Oregon I 111. C.Ol.DEN IS A I son of the noted old ontlinliulc diH'tor. S. C. (iolden. Dr. fioldeu has hail expnnenob In treating the various diseases to w hlch the eve and ear are subject, and feels confident of giving entire aotlsblction lo t liose who may place themselves under bis care. April IS, li. eel with a fever which terminated in to quiet the fears of the fa m Jy told lM '" 8 fc'H J Ht ,,M' "I' thirty- i f rve ' eapriies t he law Is bwt lliemthat he had found out the cause .vears.-. " in the man. Happy visions! they ot the noise it was rats. -- Several nighU passed and nothing 1 Tlie drunkard in the exercise of his was aeon or lieard, but on the fifth i fce will might have been a sola-r man. He uiiglit liavc resisted his temptations,' and at the beginning he would liave done so laid he done what lie knew he i-onlcl and should do. Vet in nine cases out of ten the present drunkard would have lieen a sober man had it not been flir the temnta- liis revolver at the door ivadv to j lin set before him by tlie liquor Mtll He lasuxl a key turn in the lin k. I ers. So that while tlie drunkard is ami soon the door oiicned and on tlie ! K"uty in accepting the temptation, line-hold stood tlie figure of a man. "K' liquor seller is guilty in setting it The Colonel took careful aim and ! before hint, "Their crime is tlie tired. With a groan the figure fell i poison of asps.'" "Woe unto him back on the floor of the passage. The ! ,,,ilt glveth his neighbor strong drink, .............. .. l.l- ...tr.. .....i .Zi I llt'il ...O...II. ,i. . 1 - i.,... j in.- wiic nini gn'is were i i'iwm uk iiuiur in mill auo .T.I. . J' itinL-,..!. I. ... ' I.' geiiing a man night, near twelve o'clock, tlie shiim creaking noise was repeated. The Colonel look bis revolver in his hand, and appiiiaeliad his hefirooui door, agiiipst which lie put his ear. le tlistiuctly heard a low shuttling sound. He stepietl hack a few iaees. and lev elect lire. come but once and go quickly, leaving us ever to sigh for a return of what can never lie again. TURN I K4 5 r AM PREPARED TO DO ALL KIN1 Albany, Nov. 8, isos-i "'.r.u. : DR. E. O. KMITI1, DETIST, HAS 110 ATEP IN AI bany, and is now ready to wait on the citizens of Al ! lianvand viclnlly.wltha new ! Inveutinti In denial work. It consists in I siipiKirtlng the plnletothcinoiilh without I , covering the whole lisif, as heretotore. ' Thosi wishing artificial teeth arc ropiest- I I ed to cull and examine for thotnsulves, ! Also, nlales mended, whether uarttallv . broken or divided. Teeth.extraeted with OUtpin, Ofilcv over Turnjll" store. All i work warranted. 7v4 j Puper-hmiftlnK, Culvcniiiilng, Decorating, Ac ADSWORTH will alve nronint attention to all orders for Pinxtr- ali cmln na. Dworatlnir. Ac.. In Ihlseityur vicinity. All work executed in the latest style, in tlie la'sl luanner.aiul screams ot fearful. Imt the Colonel with a loud voice stopHl ,tla outitrv. I'riK'uring a light, tlie Colonel went out into the passage, and. on removing a mask from tlie fiice of the prttelralo man recognized to his aslonl-bmcnt, the features of the carpenter. On examination it was found that William was still alive. The bullet had penetrated tlie arm. as was after ward ascertained, breaking only one ol the smaller bones. As soon as Wll maketh him drunken." If drunk Is criminal, getting drunk is also criminal. si. wa . iltlent ...aging, Cn The T.iqi ou Bvil in France. Tlie Idea in which nviuy wimoils indulge, that there is little' lutempcrumv in France ami other wine growing coun tries is shown to lie a ilcludnu by re cently published statistic-, Or. Hus sou says that tla' annual consumption of anient snirits In France mat from nam was able to speak be confessed to i raMUl litres in 1S25 to li50,(HX litres in the Colonel how he had entered the lI, or tVom ciaht litivs tAu ticli man. house, lie stiid that the washstnnd in woman, anil child, to fourteen. Tlie tla' kitchen hung on two concealed nunilier of suicides from intemperance hinges, and as the lan k of the wash- hUMtl was 141, and in lijOi, 4(11. stanil wtis a part of the actual outside : tlih gives evidence that lutempcr of tlie laiusc'. it took but a slight push, i ance was still on the Increase, thirteen and it would move from its position, j years after the first .-tulements ceased, leaving an aperture large enough fora Other authorities my that there has lliall to crawl (hough into tlie kitchen. ' lieen a marked increase in ilmnkcu lle bad made the concealed door ncss since the war with Ocrmauy.aud merely for tla1 purpose of trying it be I tlie National Assembly Is uow lUaQtaV eon Id construct a secret "means of sing additions to the penal code for tlie egress from the house. As lie knew i puriioieofirnninisliingtheu.seofintox ibai the Colonel had a large sum of i icatlng bevernges, Otncinwiii tkwetie, money in Ills bedroom, he had deter- mined to Mb him. Twice he bad cn- Kclitiug a new-paper is very much teivd tlie house, but each time was ! like raking a lire every one thinks Drink like a Horse. Sum- years ago it was unite usual at funeral's, af ter prayer, to pass around brandy, wine and other refreshments ; on one occasion, when the Rev. .Mm Murray Was officiating, the waiter came to him and asked him if he would take anything. Mis reply was "o, I shall drink bv anil bv. and then I shall drink like a home." Nunc of bis friends who lieard his remarks observ ed to Mr. Murray that the remark was rather improper lo use on so solemn an occasion. "Oh no, sir. said tint ItY v. gentleman, for by anil by, I shall tiring cold water, and not take any more Hum Is good for me. and that Is "drinking like a horse." Happy It will U' for the community When all sliiill learn to "drink like a'hiaMe.'' maomns. Backgammon a Lilly's waterfall. An inhuman act Polling clown the blind. Anexthict rane Child-like children. A reason why a piano tfas not sirred at n flrp, was because none of tlie fire men could play on it. Mrs. Partington aaysKlie does wish tiny would hurry up and mss the sil ver sendee bill in Washln.rton. Naomi, the daughter of Knoch, was "80 years old when she married. There's hope for some ot yon other ladies after all. Some one describes a pldlanMiroptst as a man who loves all mankind and neglects his own family. .tosh Billings sayi: "When, yon has bored eleou.thru.aial let all the ile run out at the bottom." 9t&mn tliat the .1 V5 n"t oftl,l 9 wl ot abletolelgnm.tu mwigation opens. A New Orleans nancr miva n,.,. B young widow hithaffiX writ," Who is the editor she Is tralnimr for" Alndy,lnaccoiitingtoafHend for lier tsHnnorary disaprairance from so ciety, said she K ZZ1C Ti 1m lc,'wllil'K' 1'tiving jst mar ried a blockhead. A humorous apothecarv in Boston exposes a cake ot soap In his shop win dow, with the pertinent inscription "Cheaper than ctli-t. (Jaleshurg, Illinois was the scene of a pulling match between a horse and a mule, f he beasts were hitched to the resiiective ends of a short, stout chain, and started. The horse pulled the mule clean out of his harness. It Is said that "two of tlie Darwin's sons have been on a visit to the land of the monkeys. Tlie monkevs were half tickled to death at seeing' them, and asked kindly after their father." A millionaire alio lives on Fifth avenue. New York. irave a testinmnl. al to a ehiroiiotlist which testifies tliat several years ago lie sueeessfullv ex tracted several corns from mi- t;,-i without pain, also menitiers ol' me family, mid thev have. Hot returned since that time. Conundrum for married men Whr is a wife like a uewspaner f Becjiusc' every man should have one without borrowing his neighbor's." ' "everinliid the obituarv. Imlew said a Montana culprit wlien the court beetmie ptitlietlc in prmiounciug the sentence. "J.ets fix the time tor the fuutra'." In imaginary Western editor In. forms his readers that Vo ieerllnr kcleton mocks him from the liattbv- inents of melancholy's lofty peak." Vt by Is a new born hnhe like tJ i. lief of laickuow llecnuse it's tlw loiig4s..'ctcd sucker. A sea-cautain, invited to meet; the coumiittt fa society for the evaiifcl- Izatlon or Africa, when asked "Ho the subjects of King Dahomey keep Monday i" n-pliisl : Vfts, and' every thing else they vail lay tlieir hand on." An Ohio man who passed around i plate at a relignns meeting forcontri bullon for the heathen, and then mck eted the money, litis laieu acquitted on the ground tint lie was the greatest heathen they knew, and therefore, justly entitled to the imsiey. It was a very hard-shell flautist nf Tennessee who suggested, when he heard ofthe reformation of an ungod ly neighbor, that no ordinary baptism would tin for that man tlsMHily sure way would lie to tie a grind-tone to his teat, and "anchor him over night In the middle of tlie river." I never place much reliance on a man Who Is always telling what he worrld have done bad Ih- la-en there. I nave noticed that somehow this kind ot peo ple never get there. A cliambennald in Bangor, while shaking a rug out of a second store window, lost her balance, turned 'a complete somersault, and came down to tlie ground with a rush. Astonish ing to all wlai witnessed the foil, she Jumped lip, ran into the house, and resumed her work as if nothing bad happened. Fond of the Widow. Tlie fol lowing story is related ofnn old man of strict creed and high moral stamling In the community where lie livid, ft Is said immtsllntelv rollnulmr n. death of his third wife he donned his coat and bat and with a smiling face tliat indicated no thought of a failure summoned a vicuw lady liviutt ill the in ,L- miio;,o iu HM. 0lr- nm( iiouuccsl the news to her thus : t'lNKl-inoinin.' ma'am s I'm ronml frightuietl away, first bv the Colonel ' he can perforin tlieMiperatiou lietter at lowest living rates. Carorders leU al ! whom lie saw as lie onened the hwl-1 than the man w ho lias hold of tlie no- i eSS;;SKa" W -, ! tlie second time by the 1 ker, "Hioii I.arxt." "Mr.Oray," said a Iwy of fourteen years to his school teacher "uln.'lsc do this hero sum ' '"- I v - i - ..... ,,,i , , m i.miiiii The old nitui liKikecl over bis siecs, telling the folks how my old woman's tixik tlat lad's slate and pencil, and j dead, iion't know for' sartin that I commencou to "do ims Here sum i" wmui gee marricst again. You he iwispinition started, and stood in I aware, howsomever (with a kuowint widi lers are glistening gitamies upon the teaclK-r s i wiiikj, tnat I in mighty fond of the Id pate. The youth stocxi by, evidently en joying the situation in which he bail placed the referee' of Ids Imvliood's troubles, and ;i lirisul grin spread over his face. Finally he said to his discomfited instructor: "Mr. Omy, I kin do tliat there sum." "Let's see !" said tlie veiiemhle In structor, looking over his sja'cw with wonderment as he saw the siHYessfhl solution ol the vexed question. Turn ing to the lad. he said : "Oeorge, you go right straight home to your fatlH-r : tellliim von tire as high larut. as I kin kirn you, mid tUiii lor any binhic-- w liatsmnever!" His fourth marriage has been placed on record. r The t'hiladelphiti n,.w,n s;,yS . Vl, old geiitlemtin with a suspicion, look, ing redapot on his fiuv, entered a stnet car a (lav or two ago. Cioii beiii" askcHl If lie had had the small-pnx hT rtHillwl 'yes.' One passenger retired and several others removed to flat end ofthe ear. Another elderly man In quired how long it was since thealHici ed Individual had recovered. 'Well, sir,' replied the victim of the disease, "I can not say exactly, but as near a lean reeolect it was about thirty-flic years ago." "