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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (April 8, 1871)
VOL. 3. ALBANY, OREGON, SATURDAY, APRIL 8, 1871 NO. 31. . , "HIBUSIHD EVERT SATCRBAT IT COLL. YAMCLEVE. jrrics ox corssr or peert asj rmsr-srs. TERMS IN ADVANCE. Obo Tear Three Dollar Six Months Two Dollars Single Copies Ten Cents "ADVERTISING RATES. Transient advertisements per Square of ten tines or less, first insertion, $2 ; each subsequent insertion, $1. Larger advertisements inserted on the most iberal terms. JOB WORK. Having received new type, stock of colored inks, cards, a Gordon Jobber, etc., we are p re pa ed to exesute all kinds of printing in a better manner and fifty per cent, cheaper tnan ever be fore offered in this city. PORTLAND CARDS. F. RUSSELL, Attorney at Law, ( C. P. FERRY, Notary Public. RUSSELL & FERRY, Real Estate Brokers & Collecting Agents Portland, - - - Oreg-on. SPECIAL ATTENTION GIVEN TO THE Sale of Real Estate, Real Estate Litigation, and the Collection of Claims. Office. North-west corner of First and Wash ington Streets, Portland, Ogn. feb 6-70- 5 , Agsntt for the Register. The following gentlemen are authorized to re ceive and receipt for -subscription, advertising, etc., for the Rkoistkr : HIRAM SMITH, Esq Harrisburg. Judjre S. H. CLAUQUTON Lebanon. PETER HUME. Esq 3rownsville W. R. KIRK. Esq E. E. WHEELER, Eq Scio. T. H. REYNOLDS, Esq Salem. O. P TOMPKINS, Esq Ilarrisburg. L. P. FISHER, Esq.. 'Frisco. BUSINESS CARDS. J. QUIXX THORXTOX, ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW Orrire No. Ill First street, between Mor rison and Alder, opposite the Occidental Hotel, Portland, Oregon. Will practice in the Superior and Inferior Courts of the Statu, and in the District and Cir cuit Court of the United States, giving special at tention to the collection of debts in all parts of Oregon, and to obtaining discharges in Bank riptcy, which, since the last amendment to the law, may bo obtained from all debts oontracted prior to January 1st, 1S69. without regard to the per centae which the asseits may finally pay. November 28, lS70-12v3y jvdce eelsat. JeSSPlt BASSOX. KELSAY & HAS SOS, Attorneys and Counsellors at Law. (Partners for Linn county.) OFFICE In Tost Office Building, (up stairs). Albany, Linn eoucty, Oreon. 9:fV3 ceo. son. Jakes morrisos. INTERNATIONAL HOTEL. - r I- , ' Comer Front and Morrison streets, PORTLAND, OREGON, Noah & Morrison, Proprietors. Free Coach to and from the House. NEW xVDVERTISEMENTS. JOHN CONNER, B A Iff K I IVT G ... AD EXCHANGE OFFICE, ALBANY, OREGON. DEPOSITS RECEIVED SUBJECT TO check at sight, interest allowed on time deposits in coin. Exchange on Portlaud, San Francisco and New York for sate at lowest rates. Collections made and promptly remitted. Refers to II. W. Corbett, Honrv Failing, W. ?. Laeld. " Banking honrs from 8 A. M. to 6 p. x. Albany, February 1, 187l.22v3 L. STRUCXMEIER & CO., JIEKCHAIYT TAILOKS, ALBANY, OREGOS. JUST RECEIVED, A LARGE AND WELL selected stock of French Goods, consisting of Casaimcres, Beavers and Doeskiua. and all manner of Faucy Goods of tbe best quality. .Zr-r?- Suits made to order. 4Cy L. STRUCK MEIER A CO. J. W. BentJey. C. MEALEY DEALER IN MANUFACTURER OF FTJH. 1ST I JC XJ I and CABINET WARE! 33 1? tiding-, Etc., Corner First and Broad Alb in streets, ACBAXr, OREGOX. C1 ENTLEMEN'S BOOTS MADE TO ORDER W on short notice, and with neatness and dis patch. jiS Ali Binds of Repairing- Done. Albany, June 11, 1870 40 t?, U. SICE, .71. ., PH.S1CIAN AND SURGEON, Albany, ------ Oregon, FFICE ON THE SOUTH SIDE OF MAIN Street. Albany, April '70-32 o I. S. DnBois, CONSTANTLY on hand and receiving, a large stock of Groceries and Provisions, Wood and Willow Ware, Tobacco, Cijtars, Con fectionery, Yankee Notions, Ae., Ae., Wholesale and Retail, opposite R. C. Hill A Son's drug store, Albany, Oregon. jn40'70 w. 3. HiLTABinei.. - ARPaews. HUtabidel Bt Co., DEALERS IX GROCERIES AND PR0 rUioos, Wood and Willow Ware, Confec tionery, Tobacco, Cigars, Pipes, Notions, etc. Main street, adjoining the Express office, Albany, Oregon. I j. m. irrrcwrn-. 3. sr. SOLPD. a. auim. Mitchell, Dolph & Smith, A TTORNEYS asd COUNSELLORS atLAW, Solicitors in Chancery and Proctors in Ad miralty. Office over the old Post Office, Front street. Portlaud, Oregon. - , I JAMES A. WARNER, Civil Engineer Sc Surveyor. IS PREPARED TO DO SURVEYINW AND Engineering. Uses improved Solar Compass. Orders by mail promptly attended to. Resilience on 4th St., opposite Dr. Tate's residence, Albany Oregon. I9-6m POWELL. t" FLJW3. Powell s& Flinn, ATTORNEYS A COUNSELLORS AT LAW and Solicitors in Chancery, :., . (X. Flinn, Notary Public,) Albany, Oregon. Collections and conveyances promply attended to. I CEO. VT. GRAY, X. D WOULD SOLICIT THE PAT rooage of all persons desir ing ARTIFICIAL TEETH and FIRST CLASS DENTAL opera tions. Nitrous Oxide administered for tbe pain less extraction of teeth, when desired. Charges moderate. 0ffioe in Parrish A Co.'s brick block. Resi dence, arst house south of Congregational Churcb. rooting on Court House block. - Albany, Oregon, July 2, 1870-43 WAITED. a grri 3 U 8 H EL S OF OATS, for lJoUU which tbe highest market prico srill be paid, in CASH, at the store of N. 6. DU BOISE. Also, Batter and" Eggs, in unlimited quantity, for which tbe highest market price will be paid in cash. Call and see me. Albany, Aug. 20, 1870-58 $20.00 A DAY Z JO MALE AND FEMALE AGENTS To introduce the celebrated BUCKEYE $25 OO SHUTTLE SEWIAG STITCU ALIKE ON BOTH SIDES, and is the only licensed shuttle sewing machine in ,tho United States, sold for less than $40, to use b celebrated Wilson feed, and are acknowledged bj all to be the best family machine for light or fcoavy sewinsr, in the market, Outfit free. Ad AntM. MINER A PEARSON. Gen. AgU., -9r3tn Al'oany, Oregon. PARTICCLAH ATTEJITIOX PAID TO ORDERS OF ALL KINDS in his line October IS3-S CEO. F. SETTLEMiER. iy It 1J Gr Csr I 4 n? . (Stt3CCSsor to D. W. Wakefield,) Parrlhh's New Ituildiug-, First Street, ALBANY, OREGON, ADVERTISEMENTS. DEALER IN 'Drugs anil Medicines, CHEMICALS, PAINTS. OILS, GLASS, ETC. All articles warranted pure and of the best quality. Physicians Prescriptions carefully compounded. Albany. Oct. 17, 1868-6tf A LD Alt' IT BATH UOLSE. THE UNDERSIGNED WOULD RESPECT fully inform the citizens of Albany and vi cinity that he has takeb charge of this establish ment, and, by keeping clean rooms and paying strict atactic ; to business, expects to suit all those who ma favor him with their patronage. Haviog heretofore earricd on nothing but First-Class Hair Dressing- Saloons, he expee's to give entire satisfaction to all. gSt Children and Ladies' hair neatly cnt and shampooed. JOSEPH WEBBER: seKI9y2 ' rvRiviCr. - - TUitiinr. PS a 3 "3 m - S5 I AAf PBEPARBD TO DO .T. KI3SDS OF TURS1SG ! I ke p on hand and make to crder RAWHIDE-BOTTOMED CHAIRS, AMD . i Spinning: Wheels. ' Shop near the "Maznolia Mills.' JOHN M. METZLER Albany, Nov. 8, I8B.S-I Estabimed In 1840. V ERNEST A. ERI.ANDSOW, General Commission Merchant r : and dealer in DRUGS. CHEMICALS, ESSENTIAL OILS, DYE STUFFS, AND GENERAL MERCHANDISE, BY THE PACKAGE ONLY. Cash rders for goods of every description from (his or any Foreign Market, will receive prompt and faithful attention. - Miners, manufacturers and wholesale trade sup plied for cash, pgr No notice or attention paid to orders for goods, if there is no provision made for the payment of the saute. Consignment of Oregon Produce, Grain, Wheat, Flour, &o., solicited. SAN 2 RAN CISCO, CALIFORNIA. December 31, 1879-Utf LOOK HERE ! SAI FRANCISCO STORE! CORNER FIRST AND FERRY STREETS, ALBAN Y .... OR EGON. Keeps constantly on hand a full assortment of STOVES, PUMPS & TINWARE I I will have for sale the celebrated -c Diamoncl HooIs. cook stove, and other leading styles. Also, manufacture all kinds of Tin, Copper and Sneet-lrow Ware, in the best style, at lowest rates. FOR CASH or COUNTRY PRODUCE. Always on band a full supply of The. Purest Wines and Liquors, for Medieimsl purposes aryv A well selected stock of Groceries and Crockery ! will always be found at my establishment. I will sell all goods in my house, for Cash or Produce on delivery, cheaper than ever before offered in this market, j All kinds of repairing done, on short notice, and entire satisfaction warranted, at my Stove and Tin Store. f JULIUS GR AD WO II L. Nov. 19-11 i ,. BUILDERS, ATTENTION SASH, BLIX1) AND BOOR FACTORY! S. H. AI.TU0USE. X. WRIGIIT. J. F. BACKESSTO. AliTROUSE fc CO., LYOSt STREET, (OS TBE RIVER BAXK), ALBANY, t : OREGON. KEEP ON HAND A FULL ASSORTMENT, and are prepared to Ivix-n.islx to Order, Doors, and ISlinds, Sali, -such as Crown, Panel, Band, and Section Mold of all sizes. WINDOW AND DOOR FRAMES ! Floorliis, and all other kinds of Building: Material ! ALSO Are prepared to do MILL WORK ; furnish Sha ker Fans. Zigzag Shakers, Suction Fans. Driving Pulleys, of any kind, at our Factory on Lyon street, (on the river bank), next below Markham's warehouse. ALTHOITSE & CO. Albany, February 0, 1S63- 4 THE OLD STOVE DEPOT ! JOUIV BRIGG, DEALER IS STOVES, COOK, PARLOR & BOX. of the best patten . Tin, Siiect iron and Oopper w aro i and the usual cssortment of Famishing Ooods t be obtained in a TIN 4SE?OI.3S3 ! Sot Ilepairt neatly and prnmpltg exe'Uttd, on rnf onaote rermf . as "Short reckonings, make long friends.' Front street Albany. Next door to Mansfield & Co. dec5'C8-I RATES OF TOLL OVER THE Willamette Valley and Cascade Mountain Wagon Roads To Descuuttes River : Four Horse or Mule team...... ....$4 50 Two . " " ' . 3 00 One " .... 2 00 Ox teams, tbiee yoke ... 4 50 For every additional yoke.....-. 50 Loose horses, per head 25 " cattle, per head 15 " sheep or hogs... 3 Teams returning empty, half price.'' Pack animals, loaded.. 50 " unloaded 25 Horso and rider....... 1 00 To Fish take : Four horse or mule team, each way 2 Two " . . i On " " 1 Pack animals, loaded " unloaded.. Ilorss and rider Ox team, three yoke. 2 " To Upper Soda Spriug-1 Four hone or mule team, out and back...... 2 60 Two : " " 2 00 One " ' " " ...... 1 00 Horse and rider, " 50 Loose animals, " 25 Ox teams the same as horse teams. LUTHER ELKINS, W. W. Pabeish, Tres.. See. 'i March 0. 1869- 8 FROHIAIV IS UILDIN-M S. WHEAT AND FLAX SEED REPOT. CLEANING and HOISTING rapacity - 10,000 Bushels per Day i A share of patronage solicited. : 45-70 E. CARTWRIQHT. pSf The highest cash price paid for Wheat. NEW ADVERTISEMENTS. CITY DRUG STORE. A. CABOTUERS. B. SALTMARSB. A. CAROTHERS & CO., DRUGGISTS & APOTHECARIES, (Foster's Clock, First street), ALBANY, : : : OREGON, Dr.ALKKS IX Drugs, Chemicals, Medicines. paints, oils, dye-stuffs, glass; TOILET i 660398, FVench and 'American Oalognes, , HANDKERCHIEF EXTRACTS, CONFECTIONERY. Pure VViucs &. liiquor, for medicinal purposes. Fine Tobacco and Cig-ars. 3S Physician's Prescriptions and Family Recipes compounded with care. December 31, 1870-17 Discrlpttve lAt CITY PROPERTY FOR SALE BT S T I T ZE L & U PTON , Real Estate Sealers, Albany, Ogn. CITY OF ALHANY : Lot 3, block 6 Good bouse. Lots 3 and 4. " 2 unimproved. Lots 1, 2, 7. 8, " 19 Good bouse and stable. Lots 5 and 6, 2 Good house. Lots 5 and fi, 130 " Lots 1, 2 and 3, 6 house and two stables. 9 Lots " 60 " " Plenty of excellent fruit a desirable homestead Lots 6 and 7, z4 Wood noase. Lot 1. Lot ft. Lots 2 and 3, 3 Lots Lot 7, Lot 4, Lots 3 and 4, 6 Lots 9 Lots Lots 3 and 4, Lot 4, NEW TO-DAY. 3 and stable. 103 - " " tt 3 " 20 " " lfi " " " 60 unimprored cheap. " 5 ' desirable lots. US box boose. 74 acres (rood timbered land, oue mile from Albany, in Benton county. Ten Homestead Lot. 6 acres each, J mile north of Albany Ferry, at $120 each. For particulars apply to 9. C. MEXDEMIALL, Heal Estate Agent, Office in Parrish Brick, Albany, Oregon. 40 1ST Ail W ZF-IDELOVa:. W. II. lit II IV Ac CO., Having just received a Lare and well selected Stock of HARD WARE, . seen-, as FARMER'S & M EC II AN ICS TOOLS COSSISTTXO OF ANVILS, VICES, BELLOWS, Hammers, Hammer?, Sledges, Sledges, Saws, Saws, Saws. Planes, Planes, Planes, Corss-Cut and Mill Saws, Together with a large assortment of IHON AND STEEL Nails, Nails, NaPs?,' Springs, Sprinsrs, Springs, Axles, Thimble-Skeins, Bolts, &c, &e. . Also, a well Selected Stock of Wagon. Tlnato er, SPOKES. HUBS, BENT RIMS, SHAFTS, POLES, HICKORY AXLES, ETC., All of which we are now offerin to the public at low rates. As we make the business a spec ialty, we can and will keep a bettor assortment at lower prices than any house in this city. Receiving and opening a large and splendid assortment of WOOD AND WILLOW WARS, Which wo offer at reduced ratos. W. 11. KTJHN A CO. In the Monteith Fire-proof Brick, First-at. March 12.-70-27 ALBMY BOOK STORE. . ESTABLISHED IN 1856. E. Jk.: FREELAND, T B A L B R IN EVERY VARIETY OF 13 Miscellaneous Books, School Books, Blank Books, Stationery, Ac. Books imported to erder at short notice. Albany, Oregon, December 3, 1870. SETTLEMIRE8 NURSERY, Six miles South of Albany, Unit Co., Near the Railroad. IS O L I C IT THE ATTENTION OF ALL persona desiring to purchase Fruit Trees to call and examine my stock, which is composed of the largest and best selection in the State, con sisting of Apples, Pears, Cherries, Plums, Prunes, Grapes, Black Berries, Currants and Roses. AlSO, ' ' ' s Black and White Walnut, English Wal nut, Hickory, Pecan, Redbud, ', Hooey Locust, II ackberry, . and a number of other varieties of trees and plants too numerous to mention, all of which are offered at low rates. HENRY W. 6ETTLEMIRE. December 17; 1870-15 I I T T S CHALLENGER THRESHER HAINES' HEADERS ! Mowers J Reapers . ' And all kinds of . Agricultural Implem'ts & Machines On band and for sale by : BLAIN. YOUNG CO., May 58, '70-58 ' Albany, Ogn. LIVERY, FEKD & SALE S TABLES! ALBANY, OREGON. M0XTG0MERY& - BARTGES. PROPRIETORS. -srsTT'E ARE PREPARED TO FCRNISn ' the public with neat turnouts in the wav of Stylish Baggies & Carriages H7 ct m -t S -t o O Is. Z On the most reasonable terms. Our livery is all new and of the latest styles, and wo shall take pride in giving our patrons as neat and reliable an outfit as can be obtained in the State. Horses boarded at reasonable rates, by the week or month. Hacks and Carriages furnished for parties, Ac. A share of pnblio patronage is solicited. . MONTGOMERY A BARTGES.,' Albany, December 17, 1870-15 FIRST STREET, ALBANY, OREGON, 3. L. HARRIS. G. D. BAIGIIT. J. Jj. HARRIS & CO., PROPBIETORS. AVo shall endeavor to always keep on hand a full supply of all Kinds of Meats! all of which will be of the very best quality. Tbe highest market price paid for Beeves, Hogs and Sheep. Third door west of Ferrv, on south side of First streets. J. L. HARRIS A CO. Albany, Dee. -15, 1870-15 A Great Bargain. THE FARM KNOWN AS "FARMOUNT Lake" is offered for sale at $10,000 iu coin $4,000 in hand, and the remainder in six equal annual payments, with interest from date. The tract is in good shape, being nearly a square, con taining about 6fi0 acres of rich soil ; aud is diver sified with forests vast, fair lawns, lordly oaks, and willows sitting by the lake, tbe woodland and prairie so alternating as to make it one of the most attractive places in the State. It is situated on the west side of the Willamette river, within half a mile of Albany, trbich is known as being in the heart of tho best agricultural portion of Oregon. The location is healthful. It has a good stone quarry, about 10U acres under fence, a two story frame barn with shedding 90 feet square ; a large aud handsome new bouse two-stories high, thoroughly painted insido and out, the large cup boards and book-cases being fixtures, and the house having under its whole length a good dry cellar. In addition to tbec there is a neat wull hotts, a wood-house and all other necessary out houses. There is a meadow, lanje pasture, or chards, garden, Ac, tic. It is susceptible of be ing divided into fonr farms, all of them having good soil, fuel and rail timber, and three of tbe in having stock-water. For particulars address J. (J. Mendetibail, i.sq., Albany, or the undersign at Portland. J. QUINN THORNTON. Feb. 14th, 1S71 24v3. Attorney at Law. JE C I I O KIKE AND MARINE ISURAIVCE COMPANY, SAN FRANCISCO, CALIFORNIA. , Total Assets (Gold) S1.7TT 2G6.G3 J. HUNT, President. -VTm. ALVORD. Vice President. A. J. RALSTON, Secretary. A. BAIRD, Marine Secretary. The leading Fire and Marine Insurance Company on this coast. WT-$i)0,O0O deposited in Oregon. S" Losses Promptly and Equitably adjusted and paid in Gold. Coin. LADD & TILTON, Gen. Agents Fur Oregon anil Waslu'iijlon Territory. JOIIIY (OWEIt, Agent, ALBANY, OREGON. March 4, 7f-26y How a JioY Wakes Up. There he lies in his crib, a nutbrowo cub of four years. He sleeps the sleep of healthy childhood. In the same position he lay when he dropped into unconsciousness, oue arm under his head, one leg kicked out from under the coverlet, lie is per fectly motionless. Ilia round cheek pillows itself on the extended arm, pnd his leg seems to have been arrested in the middle of the last restless kick, as the curtain fell over his blue eyes, and he was fast asleep. You can scarcely per ceive his regular respiration. A train of cars thunder by without noise he might be carried across the street without awakening. It is morning ; ; daylight streams into the windows ; the sun shines' on the hill-tops. The sounds of stirring life are beginning to be heard about the house. Watch the boy. " Still and mo tionless as a figure of marble. As v you look, the gates of sleep are suddenly un locked. ' lie is awake in a twinkling awake all over. Ilia blue eyes are wide open and bright- his lips part with a shout his legs fly out in different direc tions his arms are in rapid motion he flops over with a spring in ten seconds be has turned a couple of somersaults, and presents before you a living illustra tion of perpetual motion. There is ho deliberate yawning, no slow stretching of indolent limbs, no lazy rubbing of sleepy eyes, no gradual becoming awake about it With a snap like a pistol shot he is thoroughly awake and .kicking wide awake to the top end of each particular hair. The wonderfull thing about it is its suddenness and completeness. The Scientific American gives an ac count of a family of gigautic Turks. The father and mother live near ; Damascus, 90 and 67 years old, and weigh respec tively 520 and 560 pounds. They have ten sons and five daughters, all living. The oldest weighs 630 and the youngest, who liveB in Illinois, 650 and, none of them weigh less than 500 pounds, nor under seven feet high the Sucker, the youngest, being 7 feet 8 iuches. They arc all well proportioned. ' , : Murder Run Riot.. i ' It is no use for any political party, either in or out of power, to attempt to conceal the fact that a condition of things approaching to absolute anarchy prevails at the present moment in many of the Southern States. A generous desire to s.often the hardships of defeat, a patriotic desire to see the Union once again re-, stored to its pristine splendor, have hitherto induced loyal Northern men to overlook certain manifestations of a tur bulent spirit and to pardon a certain amount of opposition to the supremacy of Government. It was hoped that a lit tle time would soothe , the exasperated feelings of the vanquished; rebels, and show them the advantages of returning to habits of law and order. But these natural expectations have all been disap pointed, the leniency of the Government has been foully abused, and the quondam Confederates have actually rioted in mur der and outrage.' In many Southern dis tricts the Federal authority is ignored altogether, legally-appointed officers arc compelled to fly for their lives, justice is impeded in its action, and the Courts arc practically closed; criminals of the deep est dye, whose lives are forfeit to the land over and over again, defy apprehension and scoff at judge and jury. Worse than all this Frecdmen are daily murdered in cold blood for no other reason than be cause they are Republican in politics ! It is asserted, on authority that scarcely admits of a doubt, that five thousand oe groes have been assassinated in the South ern States since the election of General i Grant, and that for these five thousand' murders not a single criminal has been brouaht4o justice. This is a horribly ; startling statement, and necessitates the j conclusiou that an organized effort is be ing made to exterminate the blacks. Nor do the Kuklux miscreants confine their : operations to the colored race white men i have repeatedly been killed because they I were, loyal to the Government, and there j fore obnoxious to the "chivalrous" South- j erners. Now these facts suggest some i very pertinent queries : Are the Fede ral authorities prepared to forego all pow- I er or jurisdiction in the feouth r Arc the murderous conspirators of the Ku-KIux I to be supreme masters there, and to lay II .11 f 1, a. . aown tne law ior an comers i Are loyal aud law abiding citizens to carry their j lives in their hands from day to day, and receive no protection ? The answer to these questions which will be thunder ed forth throughout the Union, from sea to sea, wherever a faithful citizen is to be found is an emphatic and decisive 'No !' Then tbre is only one course to be taken. The Government must restore order and swoop ,wy terrorism , With a Strong hand. To do this, every soldier in the Union, horse, foot and artillery, must be employed, if necessary. There must be no faltei jng in the task ; no half meas ures must be tolerated Ku-Kluxism must be stamped out, burnt out, shot out, bay oneted out, no matter at what cost. The American Government would not be worthy of existence if it permitted its authority to be thus set at defiance, its officials maltreated, and its citizens mur dered by infamous rebels, whom a mis taken clemency has saved from tho gal lows. The necessity of Government in terference in the disturbed districts is so patent that we cannot understand how any man living under the shadow of the American flag can raise l is voice against it. We should eertainly lie dis posed to regard any individual opposing the measures which alone can re-establish tranquility as accomplices in the murders and outrages that disgrace the South. The thing is altogether beyond the sphere of party politics, ; and is a question of loyalty .or rebellion. S. F. Chronicle, o Died of a Frting Pan. "Died of a frying pan," is the v epithet which the Columbus, Ga., Enqtiirer says appropri ately belongs to the grave yards of thous ands of Southern people, oa account of the manner of preparing food in that part of the country. The editor says of the Southern man ; . His standard food is a piece of bacon fried ; the fat taken, and with flour or meal mixed int ) a heavy mass and con signed to the inevitable frying pan, and outcomes a lump of leathery-looking sometlung which the stomach : f an ostrich could not digest. Give him a chicken, and what does he do with itf Cuts it up, and into the ' frying pan it goes. After being slowly simmered un til hard, it is put into a deep : dish l and grease poured over it, and what is not soaked up in the chicken is made way with by soaking his leathery bread in it. Give him a rich, jucy fctsak, and ' into tbe frying pan it goes, and it is slowly simmered and simmered until no koife will cut it, and thea eaten with heavy bread, soaked in the remaining fat ; and thus good wholesome food in quantity sufficient to afford a wholesome meal for a French artisan's lamily, is by the fry ing pan process rendered not only barely enough for one man, but converted into a slow poison anda frightful source of disease. 1 Scarcely a day passes but some poor sufferer applies to me for reliet irons tie "frying pan dieeasc," which relief I am unable to give without an entire change in his or her habits, and, unless such change is effected, whose appropriate epitaph will be, "Hied ot a trying i u. . ThSnts ont Antpra the bar-room of a first-class hotel early in the day : , "Laad lord, I gue33 I've got sense enough to take a drink this morning." vosequ bar-tender furnishe the required bever age, and the thirsty gen smiles, cks his lips, nd remarks: "Well, old that's prime, but I'm cuWd if I y sense enough to pay for it." Exit with, flying eolors-3 VARIOUS ITEMS. A wife in St. Joseph shot her husband through the arm the other day because he promised to buy her a night-gown with a three-feet trail, and didn't. ; A countryman, in a short discourse or? love, says : "It does 'pear like girls , go . half way, but it 'pears like a ' team of oxen couldn't draw 'em t'other half.", . . A girl in Hunterdon county, New Jer sey, was choked dead the other day - by 1 a ner lover s arm, tne lusty young mat thinking she was "only in fun" when she struggled. . The-. Woman's Journal, in speaking of Vinnie lleam and her statue of j Lincoln, says that flattery and petting, and the " granting to curls what is only duo to brains, can do woman no real good. Mrs. Gardiner, iu a letter to an Indi ana paper, makes the declaration that wo men carry a coneealed weapon that can, if properly used, "sway the destinies of . all mankind." r .u w ; Quilp and his wife had a bit of conten tion the other day. "I own that you have more brilliancy than I," said the woman, "but I have the better judg ment." "res," said Quilp, "your choice in marriage shows that." Quilp was in formed that he was a brute. f It is the queerest thing In the world what Charlotte Smith, of ' Rock port, Massachusetts, can want of her runaway husband, whom she describes in an ad vertisement as "a little man, badly crip pled in one leg, one leg shorter than the other, false teeth and bald head." Mr. Beckler of Missouri, returning to; his desolate hearth, found a tender note from his wife, saying, "I leave you mine and Tom's picture; you had better break up the house and live at home. I love torn better than I do you and that is why I have gone." : ' ' . Josh Billings says : "It strains a man' philosophy the wuss kind to laff when he' gets beat." It is observable, . also, that' when a man sprawls in the slush at ,the crossing.lVVom joins very heartily in tbe mirth vnicb his mishap exeites among the spectators. " " . ' ' It was no joke when a member of the Pennsylvania L-cgislature, a year ago, remembering that Thomas Scott was President of the Pennsylvania Central; rose in his seat and said, ' Mr. Speaker,, if Thomas Scott has no more business for this Legislature, I move we adjourn." A fair maid of Evansville", Indianar brought a suit for breach of promise: against a wealthy bacbeler, and claimed that her sensitive and confiding' nature had suffered 850,000 worth of damage. The jury could not see it in that light, and only gave the innocent victim six cents. She declares her supreme ' indif ference to the woman's rights movement, because she has proof enough that the country has already gone to irreparable smash. ' ' ' According to the Interior, there is a lady in Chicago who estimates her annual church going expenses at $1,587 65 This trifling amount, it should be said,, includes new dresses for four daughters,, and does not include the extra expense of horses, coachman, etc. For the en lightenment of the curious public, it should also be added that a hundred dollars goes upon this ladies precious person where fire cents goes into the plate. The Chicago Tribune ' professes to know that "woman, not only of a - high social position and large fortune, but of sincere piety and, thorough benevolence may steal;" and further says : ' "We have known, repeatedly known- women of perfect respectability to steel petty arti cles while visiting at each other's residen ces, and to remain on terms of the most cordial intimacy and apparent good will . after each other knew that the other had been filching from her, and that her own returned theft was fully known." At the recent meeting of the Women's Board of Missions, in Boston, Mrs. Wright read a letter detailing the earnest endeav ors of a poor crippled girl in New Hamp shire to do something for tbe cause. She cut off ber beautiful hair and sold it for 7, which she gavo to the Tract Society. A cone basket, tho result of long and painful labor on her part, she offered to the cause of missions. - At tbe desire of many ladies, i this : basket was passed around in the church that they might fill it with offering, and nearly 8100 was thus collected. - "Cheaper than dirt," is the pertinent inscription on a case of soap in an apothe cary's window.' Why are the candidates who fail to get elected like the world t Because they are depressed at the polls. There is a hilly county in East Teunes see whore the children look up the chim ney to see if the cows aro coming home. "Here's your Mule," is the title of a Kanawha river steamer. ?u. Crime in Kansas. In Greenwood county, Kansas, a few days ago, j' " lanoe Committee seised eight nebww to have been thieves, .shot three, jujd hanged.five by the heels unt.l dead Three of them turned "tote evince, but were hanged otwithsUnd ing Ge-orgeT. Wheitner snexnd hardened criminal, A ,lg County Jail, to await M; , The chargcs Governor of f based is that reavWeh.m SfoTm in his room in he gave i m g om8 time Sag,n Id robUi him of $1,500 : in s.oce, and roooe bWc. 65 in drev .VdV gold" waVch and chain worth ro,"ey JL exrert forger, as seve ral of the cheeks testify. In his flight . j- wf n her neonle s horses. ne maae " , . which have all been reoovered. He was formerly from Brooklyn and New. York, lie treats the matter as he would a joke.