VOL. 1.
ALBANY, OREGON, SATURDAfY, JULY 24, 1869.
NO. 46.
Laiv vs. Cats.
SATUKUAY, JULV 24, 18(39.
Somebody's Heart
My heart is waiting for somebody ;
Somebody, wbere can he be .
Somewhere on earth be ia waiting.
Waiting and watching for me.
My heart shall be faithful and true, then.
To that somebody, wherever he be ;
Tea ! my heart is locked firmly and fast.
But there's tome one possessing the key.
How shall I know who's tbo somebody ?
My heart will tell faithful and true ;
Vou wonder who can be the somebody :
Well, somebody, darling, is yon. ,
When it blows ia Illinois it blows
hard. A nian sitting in his house at
Shipmanr eating a pie, heard the storm
coming and ran to the door. The gale
first blew the honse down and then seized
the man, carried him through the air a
hundred yards or so, and landed him in a
peach tree. Soon after a friendly board
from his own house came floating by.
This be seized and placed over his
head to protect himself from the raging
blast. Under this shelter he finished his
pie. The above is related as a veritable
occurrence.
Boy&, when they are boys, arc 'queer
enough. How many ridiculous notions
they have, and what singular desires,
which in after life change and shape
themselves into characteristics ? Who
remembers when he would have sold his
birthright for a rocking horse, and his
new suit of clothes for a monkey ?
Who forgets the sweet faced "girl older
than himself, against whose golden hair
grief
away
he leaned and wept his
Who reeollects when the thought of being
a circus rider appeared greater than to
be President, and1 how jealously . he
watched the fellows who wore "the
spangled jackets, and prayed to become
one of them ? If memory preserves not
these capacities, or something similar,
the boy is lost in the man. Happy vis
ions! They come but once and go quick
ly, leaving us ever to sih. for a return
of what can never be again.
There were two Arkansas lawyeri.
They were good . fellows -I mean, good
for lawyers and being members of the
hardshell Baptist church, for a wonder,
or for effect, just as you like, and were
each called "Judge. And they hated
demoralize her. Practically, each deter
mined to file a motion to quash the 'cat's
attachment fur the room.
Each kept his plan to himself, and, in
the dark, unable to see each other, pre
pared for action. Strange as it may ap
pear, it is nevertheless true, that the
cats as much as country editors hate each ! sani. P,an sJ?gested itself,. to both. In
other.
Court was being held m the town of
L., and our two judges (Clark and Thorn
as j- were in auenaance. . A
lne town ot Jj. consisted of a court
house built of logs, a jail built of logs, a
hotel built of
logs, and
a . surrounding
forest, which was also of logs.
The jail, as I said before, was buTlE of
logs, aud was without a foundation. It
was a one story building, and it was said
the prisoners used to dig themselves out
with the ace of spades. But I always
thought the rumor had no more founda
tion than the jail had.
The hotel was quite a large structure.
The partitions which divided the rooms
of the hotel were of logs, and guiltless of
chinking or daubing.
The' used to make splendid corn dodg
ers at that hotel, the best I ever ate. In
fact, there was but one objection to the
corn dodgers, and I only discovered that
the morning I left. It was this the
dogs were allowed to sleep in the meal
chest.
But to my story. It had been a hot
day. The judge upon the bench had
been hot, the lawyers had warmed with
their subjects until they had become per
fectly fiery; the sheriff, poor fellow, had
"cried" both at the opening and closing
of the court, and of course, he was warm,
too ; several fieri facias had been issued
though many of the fiery faces were
attributed as much to a portable billiard
saloon, which was kept in a gallon jug
back of the court house, as to the weath
er." The jury had disagreed, and you
may be sure they were warm. So, you
see, I was right in saying it had been a
hot day. Supper was hastily swallowed,
aud everybody being tired, became unat-
tired and sought rest in sleep.
T.- s. a m
my story, j ne Ded3 were
were shakedowns, six or eight in a room
A three story brick dwelling was built Judge Clark lay with his head to the
recently in Lancaster-in twenty hours, north, on one 6ide, and Judge Thomas
tlthough the contract was for thirty. lay wltn hl head to the south, on the
The bricklayers completed their work in other s,de ot the room, go far as that
twelve hours, including one hour lost in room was concerned, it might be said
0 1 ........ -
waiting for brick. Thirty-nine thousand Inal tncir neada represented the north
brick were used, and ten bricklayers av- and souta P0'es, respectively
eraged four thousand in that time. The I All the other beds in the room were
plasterers, carpenters and painters, com- occupied. In the center of the room
pleted their work at the end of the second was a comparatively large space of neu
daj. This is certainly one of, the most J tral ground in which the occupants of
extraordinary feats in house building on the different beds had equal rights
words, this plan was about as follows:
Tlfe yowler is evidently looking and call
ing tor another cat, with whom she has
made an appointment. I will imitate a
cat, and this cat will think t'other cat's
around. This cat will came towards me
and when she shall have arrived within
reach, I'lJJblaze away with "any thin
out of har.
But to my story
Each of the portly judges, noiselessly
as cream comes to the surface of milk,
hoisted himself on his hands and knees.
and, hippopotamus fashion, advanced to
the neutral ground occupying the central
portion of the room. Arrived there,
Judge Clark selected a bootjack, and
J udge Thomas a heavy cowhide boot,
from the heap, and settled themselves
down to the work.Clark tightened his
grip on the bootjack, and throwing up
his head, gave vent to a prolonged Jand
unearthly "ye-ow-ow !" that would have
reflected credit upon ten of the largest
kind of cats.
"Aha I" thought Thomas, who was net
six -feet away, "he's immediately close
around ! Now I'll inveigle him !" and
he gave the regular dark night call of a
feminine cat.
Each of the judges advanced a little
closer, and Clark produced a questioning
Off' ow !' Thpmas answered by a re
assuring "Pur-ow ! pur-ow!" and they
advanced a little more. -
They were now within easy reach, and
each imagining the cat had but a moment
more to live, whaled away, the one with
his boot, the other with his bootjack.
The boot took Clark square in the mouth
demolishing his teeth, and the bootjack
came down on Thomas' bald head just as
he was in the midst of a triumphant
"i'e-ow !"
When lights were brought the cat had
disappeared, but the catastrophe was in
The Old Bachelor.
BY JOSH BIT.LInGS.
A eh ronick old bachelor iz invariably
ov- the neuter gender, dou't care how
much he may offer tew bet that 'taint so
They are like dried apples ou a strin
want a good soaking before they wil
do to use. I
I suppose there iz sum of them who
have a good excuse for their neuterness
many of them are too stingy to marry
This is one of the best excuses I kno ov
for a stingy nian "aint fit tew have a nice
woman. ! ;
-Coc?'cM Whelo'rs eit after a flirt.
then konkludes all the femalo group are
hard to ketch, and good for nothing when
they are ketched.
- - A flirt is. a rough thing to overhaul
unless the right dog gets after horj and
then they are the easiest ov all to ketch
and often make the very best ov wives
When a flirt really falls in love, she iz
as powerless as a mown daizy.
TT ; 1 .. -
ner impudence tnen changes into
modesty, her cunning into fear, her spurs
into a halter, her pruning hook into a
cradle. !
The best wiy tew ketch a flirt iz tew
travel the other way from which they are
going, or sit down on the ground and
whistle some lively tune till the Art comes
round.
Old bachelors make the flirts : and
then the flirts get more than ever, by
making the old bachelors.
A majority of tha flirts get married
finally, for they have a great quantity of
the most dainty titbits of woman's nature,
and alwus hey shrewdness to back up
their sweetness.
Flirts don't deal in poetry and water
grewel ; they hey got tew Ley brains, or
else somebody would trade them out of
their capital at the fust swap.
Disappointed luv-must of course be all
on one sidej and this aint any more ex
cuse for being an old bachelor than it iz
for a man to quitall kinds of manual
abor, j 1st out of spite, and jine a poor-
house becoz he kan't lift a tun at one pop.
An old bpchelor will brag about hiz
freedom to you, hiz relief from anxiety,
opposite corners of the room, with heels hiz independence. This iz a dead beat
in the air, swearing blue streaks. past resurrection, for everybody knows
their aint a more anxious dupe than he
iz. All his dreams are charcoal sketches
" Do you make calls on New Years ?" I of boardrng school misses : he dresses,
Ou the Square.
record.
"Never, said Tom. "I used to, but greases his hair, paints his grizzly mous-
1 m cured.. tache, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew
"How so !" said I, anxius to learn his please his captains, the wimmen, and only
experience. . i gets jailed at lor bis pains.
"Why, you see," said Tom feelingly, I tried being an old bachelor till I waz
"as I was making calls, some years back", I about twenty years old, and came very
Here in mctnresoua" rnnfnainn la ,r. 1 feI1 in love with a beautiful girl that near dieing a dozen times. I had more
. "V " I . TTf.ll T . . . ... . . .
AGRICULTURAL.
; A LITTLE WHITEWASH. ;
- Yes, a little whitewash will do a great
nfnnnnf aif crrtnrl Vnf -tfYiTl ennnlv
enough to cover the inside of barns, sta
bles, cellars, ect., with two good coatings,
is much better. The lime which enters
into this composition is a purifying agent,
and the wash serves as a disinfectant.
The benefits conferred in this regard
; VARIOUS, ITEMS.
Carpets are bouglhT by the yard and
worn by tho foot.
, unai itne most popular Jcind.of cuff?.
The hand cuff. j .
What soup would cannibals prefer ?
The broth of a boy ! : , .
Why are clouds like a coachman?
Because they, hold the rains.
The artist who took a lady, returned
compensate for all the labor and expense her the same day.
involved in whitewashing ; but the clean ; Who was the first man condemned to
tidy appearance which it gives to farm hard labor for life ? Adam.
premises is most pleasing and salutary.
In no way can a farmer make so imposing
and even elegant a show, for a trifling ex
penditure, as by a free use of whitewash.
1
Evpn old buildings glow' and glisten
t When is a a lawyer most like a don
key ? When drawing a conveyance. '
s It is a very bad sort of education to be
'brought op by a policeman" .
Moving . for a new trial courting a
under the whitewash brush, and assume I second wife.
a reW and fresh appearance. Buildings, Why w misery like most young la
in the eye of the owner, as well as those dies ? Because "Misery loves cornea
lie who assails a drunken man is like
one who clubs a house when the owner is
away." j k
Many men. who pretend to have grains
of good common sense seem to have scru
ples about using them.
-Why should a chimney sweep be a
Because he is aj-
of his neighbors, have a higher money
value after the process is completed.
A correspondent of the Jhrairie Farm
er keeps the curculio from his plum trees
this way : "As soon as the blossoms are
fairly open, I sprinkle common salt
around the trunk of the tree, covering a
space as far out from the trunk as the
limbs extend, making the ground fairly I good whist player ?
white with salt, using from one to two I ways following soot
quarts to a tree, then, wifh an iron tooth Why does a waiter at the restaurant
rake I give the ground a thorough resemble a race-horse ? Because he runs
scratching, working more or less of the J for the plate,
salt from one to two inches 'into the 1 'A punster says that New York city i
ground.- As soon as the blossoms have j now governed by Oakey Hall. Tammanv
lairiy laiien trom tne tree, I repeat the liall, and Alcohol
operation, which will usually be in about When your pocket is empty, and your
ten days irom the first application. Two stomach also, sit down near a hot fire and
applications are all that are required to I read a coockery-book
obtain a crop of plums." I Josh Billings, says that opera musio
No artificial food can compete with I don't have any more effect on him than
grass, its juices matured and sweetened j castoP would have upon a graven im
by - growing widespread, under the sun. j aoe
Improve your pastures, and, meanwhile, I n,an turned his son out .-of doors
do the best you can with substitutes. lately because he -wouldn't pay him house
Never. Never taste an atom when
you are not hungry ; it is suicidal.
Never enter an omnibus without hav
insr the exact change.
Never stop to talk in a church aisle af
ter service is over.
Never pick your nose in company.
boots, hats, coats and breeches ol the
sleeprs. There were no windows, and
though the door was open, there bein
no moon, the night was very dark in that
And, now to my story. It was a peace
ful scene. The wily lawvers. who hnd
she was. Well, sir, I courted her like sharp pain in one year than I have had
Never speak of your father "as the old been contumacious as wild 4igs through
man.
Never reply to the epithet of a drunk
ard, a fool, or a low fellow.
Never speak contmptuously of woman
kind. . .
W
Pi ever abuse one wno nas once been
your bosom friend.
Never seek to create a smile at the ex
pense of your religion or your Bible.
- Never stand at the corner of a street.
Never take a second nap.
Never eat a hearty supper.
Never insult poverty.
Never at between meals.
. Never fret j it will only shorten your
" ' 'f';J"': ''i.-V':'" :' - '
: -- Gov. Flanders, of Washington Territo
ry writes a long letter to some gentlemen
t Walla Walla assuring them that he
- wanted Anderson Cox, Esq., appointed
Governor and didn't want . the appoint
ment himself, but President Grantrci
it 00 him Certainly I lne President is
doted for this sort of thing! His only
trouble has been to find men who would
tike appointments ! Oregonian.
Cebtalizino Flowers. This is
done by suspending or repeatedly dipping
them in - water . saturated with alum.
Thi.: however, ean only be done with
dried specimens The freshness and
beauty of flowers can be preserved by
dipping them in glycerine. '
What did the potter say to the clay ?
Be-ware.
the day, were now the very incarnations
of meekness j for when the hungry swarm
a trump, and I thought I had her sure,
when she eloped with a tailor that love
ly creature did."
-oue buowea Daa laste, said 1 com
passionately.
viuore thaij that," remarked Tom,
nervously,
the word.
since put it all in a heap. I was in
lively fever all the time. There is only
one person who has inhabited this world
thus far that I think could hev been an
old bachelor and done the subject justice
o-rf I J . . . - .
of mosquitoes settled down and bit them aown lown Droler. a captain with whis-
on the one cheek, thev slowlv t,, Sers or anything showy, that I could
, .j 1 1 .... . . .
um 10 oe cut out, line a suit of clothes,
by the ninth part of a man that was
brutality. But I swore vengeance that
I did."
"Vengeance ?" I nervously inquired.
" 1 es, sir," said Tom with earnestness.
"and I took it. I patronized the robber
of my happiness, and ordered a full suit
of clothes, regardless of expense. The
tailor laid himself out on the job, I tell
you; they were stunning, you may be
lieve it."
'But your
prompting him.
"I struck that tailor in the most vital
point that I did ; I "never paid that bill i
no, sir, I. didn't. But those infernal i
clothes were the cause of all my future
rr.i .1 . ..
ujiBiuriuno mat tney were.
"How so ?"
and he was Adam; but I hold it is every
"Downright inhumanity is I man's duty to seleckt a partner and keep
I could stand being jilted for I the dance hot.
other to be bitten also.
But hush 1 hark I A deep sound
strikes on the ear like a rising knell.
"Me-ow ow I"
J udges Clark and Thomas -were wide
awake and sitting bolt upright in an in
stant. Again the startline crv I
"Meow, ye-ow I"
"There's a cat I" said Clark.
"Scat, you I" hissed Thomas.
Cat paid no attention to these demon
strations, but picked herself - a softer
spot on the- log upon which she was sit
ting, and gave vent to another yol.
On, Iiord I" cried Clark, "I can't
stand this. Where is she. Thomas ?"
il In vnnr bkia nf rhff rnnm snmank..A
. " v ..-.v.o,
replied Thomas.
"No, she s on your side," said Clark.
"Yc-ow-ow 1"
said I,
Take the 'Pains. Never think it
too much trouble to answer your child
ren's questions. ' How often do we hear
the tart reply : . ,
"I am sure I don't know child don't
tease me, when you see I'm busy 1"
This is the surest way" to stunt the
growth of your child's mind. It is the
most cruet and ruthless conduct possible,
thus to deny a child the information
which he craves, and allow him to feel
all the awkwardness and pain to which
aorance exposes him. Bather , hail
with joy these indications of a growing
mind, and make the little inquirer happy
by drawing him to yen with a kiss, and
give him as full and patient an elncida
tion as be may require.
Does it j Exist. Wendell Philips
says : ."Tne south creates an ideal xan-
said I, with a smile of kee;, be does not exist; he never did
"There, I told yon she was on your comPa881on- ; exist. The North creates an ideal South-
side' they both exclaimed in a breath ; wearing them, I captivated mt pres- eraer : he never existed. The United
And still the "yowl" went on; eot w"e- no -oI- me so, and I haven't J States lavishes thousands of millions of
- II J 1 . ... ..... : m .
But to mv storv. The idaa now n. uau nappy nay since. But 1 am bound dollars in an endeavor to aeaa witft an
tered the heads 6f both the lawyers, that f be 8quare W1b that 'toked tailor, ideal Indian ; he aerer existed."
by the exercise of certain strategy they "ZZLtL 'J?' The bUcU.r. rising in Eansa for a
might be. enabled-W exeante a certain 1 on th "rrics my widew" ,JL vlaek
flank moTement on .the cat and -totally f Query is the wheel of time ever tired? 1 birds aW cleaning mt the grasshoppers;
rent a striking-proof of pay-rental affec
tion. . '. :
. Ladies are like watches pretty enough
to look at sweet faces and delicato
hands, but somewhat' difficult to "regu
late" after thpv n.rn;n
An advertising tallow chandler ""mod
estly announces that without any dispar
agement to the sun, he may confidently
assert that his octagonal .spermaceti are
the best lights ever invented.
"A lecture will be delivered in the
open air, and a collection taken at the
door to defray , expenses," appeared re
cently on a poster in the west of Em
land.
. " ' ! ' -
Happiness consists of being " perfectly
rence at Bailleul. A troupe of perform- 8aU8ned with what we have got and with
ing lions had been visiting the place. wnas we naven t got.
On tho night of the last performance the I . 1 he tobacco chewer 13 said to be like
lion-tamer was suddenly taken ill, and in I a Sse in a dutch oven always on
order not to disappoint the public, the 1 Pxt-
uirecuir or inn irons ni KrnmtAi A 1 4.
V ... ' : r ?. : one has invented a new plan for
wu-numg 5oe oposuion 01 ms fiends, cheap boarding; . 0ne . tLJ
m lusu euuugo to unaercaxe tne "dornp-
Muck should not be taken to the field
direct from tho swamps. It should be
exposed to the atmosphere for six. months
or more, the longer the better, and com
posted with lime or unbleached ashes.
An English farmer, by picking over
wheat with the utmost care, and planting
a grain in a place, at intervals of a foot
each way, produced 162 bushels to -the
acre. -
A colt that measured only 9 inches
in bight was - lately foaled in Ken
tucky.
A Cittcus DiaECTOB Eaten Up.-
A Brussels correspondent writes : "Eas
ter week has closed with a fearful occur-
teurs'part. Mr. Brennett entered the
cage, and succeeded for a time in making
the lions go through their performances ;
but when it came to the close, which
consists in giving the animals raw meat,
mesmerizes the rest, then eats a hearty
meal the : mesmerized being satisfied
from sympathy. - , ; : ,
We yesterday saw three boys "playing
horse" says the Carson Appeal of Sunday.
the director lost courage, and instead of A wnit y and a little darkey Were
keeping a firm eye on .the animals, as
tamers are wont to do, he trembled, and
made for the door of the cage. This
sealed his doom. A large lioness was
the first to pounce upon him,, and in a
TAW Vtr . tA. . K. A M.Bt. V. . .AW.nv. tan M I n. ......
was torn to pieces, spite of the efforts of i8t3iT committed suicida ta hir,. m
- .wcu.vu - f "i mat bis brother's illness was mortal. W
. i . i , rvt - - . - .
eeperaw wie animais. ne excitement stabbed himself, erent to
r- :,
hitched p together and a China boy, was
holding the grains and f driving them.
What' will become of our Constitutional
rights if this thing is suffered to- coa-
tmue. "' Jt. - ' ' ,- '
among the madieoce can be better imag
ined than described. .
Many persons become so much affce
ted with nervousness that the least an
noyance greatly agitates them, and when
they stretch out their hands they shake
like aspen leaves on windy days." By
a daily moderate uso of the - blanched
stalks of celery, as a salad, they may . be
come as strong and steady in , limbs as
other people. Every one engaged , in
his brother's
bedside, and died there, j Both the broth
ers were found dead in the morning.
In Australia they have cone into a new
kind of poultry raising. They have
fenced ia 10,000 acres, where ostriches
are kept, and it is found that the feathers
of a fall grown bird will eell for 3100 a
year. r ;
The artesian well of the Insan As v. "
lm, St Loais, Mo., has been abandoned.
labor weakening to the nerves, or afflict- J fte' reaching a depth f foar thousand
ted with palpitation of the heart, should ?et. The last 1,000 feet cost S500 per
nse celery daily ia season, and onions in j root - '-
Let the man who will not forviva re
member that he break tha onlv bridM .
0Te whio Pebimatff ean pass to heaven.
Our powers owe much of their energy
to nor hopes. .
its stead when not in season.
An old bachelor, seeing the words
"Families sunolied" over the door of
shop, .steppe im and saidhe would take
wiie ana two cnuaren.