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About The Albany register. (Albany, Or.) 1868-18?? | View Entire Issue (July 24, 1869)
VOL. 1. ALBANY, OREGON, SATURDAfY, JULY 24, 1869. NO. 46. Laiv vs. Cats. SATUKUAY, JULV 24, 18(39. Somebody's Heart My heart is waiting for somebody ; Somebody, wbere can he be . Somewhere on earth be ia waiting. Waiting and watching for me. My heart shall be faithful and true, then. To that somebody, wherever he be ; Tea ! my heart is locked firmly and fast. But there's tome one possessing the key. How shall I know who's tbo somebody ? My heart will tell faithful and true ; Vou wonder who can be the somebody : Well, somebody, darling, is yon. , When it blows ia Illinois it blows hard. A nian sitting in his house at Shipmanr eating a pie, heard the storm coming and ran to the door. The gale first blew the honse down and then seized the man, carried him through the air a hundred yards or so, and landed him in a peach tree. Soon after a friendly board from his own house came floating by. This be seized and placed over his head to protect himself from the raging blast. Under this shelter he finished his pie. The above is related as a veritable occurrence. Boy&, when they are boys, arc 'queer enough. How many ridiculous notions they have, and what singular desires, which in after life change and shape themselves into characteristics ? Who remembers when he would have sold his birthright for a rocking horse, and his new suit of clothes for a monkey ? Who forgets the sweet faced "girl older than himself, against whose golden hair grief away he leaned and wept his Who reeollects when the thought of being a circus rider appeared greater than to be President, and1 how jealously . he watched the fellows who wore "the spangled jackets, and prayed to become one of them ? If memory preserves not these capacities, or something similar, the boy is lost in the man. Happy vis ions! They come but once and go quick ly, leaving us ever to sih. for a return of what can never be again. There were two Arkansas lawyeri. They were good . fellows -I mean, good for lawyers and being members of the hardshell Baptist church, for a wonder, or for effect, just as you like, and were each called "Judge. And they hated demoralize her. Practically, each deter mined to file a motion to quash the 'cat's attachment fur the room. Each kept his plan to himself, and, in the dark, unable to see each other, pre pared for action. Strange as it may ap pear, it is nevertheless true, that the cats as much as country editors hate each ! sani. P,an sJ?gested itself,. to both. In other. Court was being held m the town of L., and our two judges (Clark and Thorn as j- were in auenaance. . A lne town ot Jj. consisted of a court house built of logs, a jail built of logs, a hotel built of logs, and a . surrounding forest, which was also of logs. The jail, as I said before, was buTlE of logs, aud was without a foundation. It was a one story building, and it was said the prisoners used to dig themselves out with the ace of spades. But I always thought the rumor had no more founda tion than the jail had. The hotel was quite a large structure. The partitions which divided the rooms of the hotel were of logs, and guiltless of chinking or daubing. The' used to make splendid corn dodg ers at that hotel, the best I ever ate. In fact, there was but one objection to the corn dodgers, and I only discovered that the morning I left. It was this the dogs were allowed to sleep in the meal chest. But to my story. It had been a hot day. The judge upon the bench had been hot, the lawyers had warmed with their subjects until they had become per fectly fiery; the sheriff, poor fellow, had "cried" both at the opening and closing of the court, and of course, he was warm, too ; several fieri facias had been issued though many of the fiery faces were attributed as much to a portable billiard saloon, which was kept in a gallon jug back of the court house, as to the weath er." The jury had disagreed, and you may be sure they were warm. So, you see, I was right in saying it had been a hot day. Supper was hastily swallowed, aud everybody being tired, became unat- tired and sought rest in sleep. T.- s. a m my story, j ne Ded3 were were shakedowns, six or eight in a room A three story brick dwelling was built Judge Clark lay with his head to the recently in Lancaster-in twenty hours, north, on one 6ide, and Judge Thomas tlthough the contract was for thirty. lay wltn hl head to the south, on the The bricklayers completed their work in other s,de ot the room, go far as that twelve hours, including one hour lost in room was concerned, it might be said 0 1 ........ - waiting for brick. Thirty-nine thousand Inal tncir neada represented the north brick were used, and ten bricklayers av- and souta P0'es, respectively eraged four thousand in that time. The I All the other beds in the room were plasterers, carpenters and painters, com- occupied. In the center of the room pleted their work at the end of the second was a comparatively large space of neu daj. This is certainly one of, the most J tral ground in which the occupants of extraordinary feats in house building on the different beds had equal rights words, this plan was about as follows: Tlfe yowler is evidently looking and call ing tor another cat, with whom she has made an appointment. I will imitate a cat, and this cat will think t'other cat's around. This cat will came towards me and when she shall have arrived within reach, I'lJJblaze away with "any thin out of har. But to my story Each of the portly judges, noiselessly as cream comes to the surface of milk, hoisted himself on his hands and knees. and, hippopotamus fashion, advanced to the neutral ground occupying the central portion of the room. Arrived there, Judge Clark selected a bootjack, and J udge Thomas a heavy cowhide boot, from the heap, and settled themselves down to the work.Clark tightened his grip on the bootjack, and throwing up his head, gave vent to a prolonged Jand unearthly "ye-ow-ow !" that would have reflected credit upon ten of the largest kind of cats. "Aha I" thought Thomas, who was net six -feet away, "he's immediately close around ! Now I'll inveigle him !" and he gave the regular dark night call of a feminine cat. Each of the judges advanced a little closer, and Clark produced a questioning Off' ow !' Thpmas answered by a re assuring "Pur-ow ! pur-ow!" and they advanced a little more. - They were now within easy reach, and each imagining the cat had but a moment more to live, whaled away, the one with his boot, the other with his bootjack. The boot took Clark square in the mouth demolishing his teeth, and the bootjack came down on Thomas' bald head just as he was in the midst of a triumphant "i'e-ow !" When lights were brought the cat had disappeared, but the catastrophe was in The Old Bachelor. BY JOSH BIT.LInGS. A eh ronick old bachelor iz invariably ov- the neuter gender, dou't care how much he may offer tew bet that 'taint so They are like dried apples ou a strin want a good soaking before they wil do to use. I I suppose there iz sum of them who have a good excuse for their neuterness many of them are too stingy to marry This is one of the best excuses I kno ov for a stingy nian "aint fit tew have a nice woman. ! ; -Coc?'cM Whelo'rs eit after a flirt. then konkludes all the femalo group are hard to ketch, and good for nothing when they are ketched. - - A flirt is. a rough thing to overhaul unless the right dog gets after horj and then they are the easiest ov all to ketch and often make the very best ov wives When a flirt really falls in love, she iz as powerless as a mown daizy. TT ; 1 .. - ner impudence tnen changes into modesty, her cunning into fear, her spurs into a halter, her pruning hook into a cradle. ! The best wiy tew ketch a flirt iz tew travel the other way from which they are going, or sit down on the ground and whistle some lively tune till the Art comes round. Old bachelors make the flirts : and then the flirts get more than ever, by making the old bachelors. A majority of tha flirts get married finally, for they have a great quantity of the most dainty titbits of woman's nature, and alwus hey shrewdness to back up their sweetness. Flirts don't deal in poetry and water grewel ; they hey got tew Ley brains, or else somebody would trade them out of their capital at the fust swap. Disappointed luv-must of course be all on one sidej and this aint any more ex cuse for being an old bachelor than it iz for a man to quitall kinds of manual abor, j 1st out of spite, and jine a poor- house becoz he kan't lift a tun at one pop. An old bpchelor will brag about hiz freedom to you, hiz relief from anxiety, opposite corners of the room, with heels hiz independence. This iz a dead beat in the air, swearing blue streaks. past resurrection, for everybody knows their aint a more anxious dupe than he iz. All his dreams are charcoal sketches " Do you make calls on New Years ?" I of boardrng school misses : he dresses, Ou the Square. record. "Never, said Tom. "I used to, but greases his hair, paints his grizzly mous- 1 m cured.. tache, cultivates bunyons and corns, tew "How so !" said I, anxius to learn his please his captains, the wimmen, and only experience. . i gets jailed at lor bis pains. "Why, you see," said Tom feelingly, I tried being an old bachelor till I waz "as I was making calls, some years back", I about twenty years old, and came very Here in mctnresoua" rnnfnainn la ,r. 1 feI1 in love with a beautiful girl that near dieing a dozen times. I had more . "V " I . TTf.ll T . . . ... . . . AGRICULTURAL. ; A LITTLE WHITEWASH. ; - Yes, a little whitewash will do a great nfnnnnf aif crrtnrl Vnf -tfYiTl ennnlv enough to cover the inside of barns, sta bles, cellars, ect., with two good coatings, is much better. The lime which enters into this composition is a purifying agent, and the wash serves as a disinfectant. The benefits conferred in this regard ; VARIOUS, ITEMS. Carpets are bouglhT by the yard and worn by tho foot. , unai itne most popular Jcind.of cuff?. The hand cuff. j . What soup would cannibals prefer ? The broth of a boy ! : , . Why are clouds like a coachman? Because they, hold the rains. The artist who took a lady, returned compensate for all the labor and expense her the same day. involved in whitewashing ; but the clean ; Who was the first man condemned to tidy appearance which it gives to farm hard labor for life ? Adam. premises is most pleasing and salutary. In no way can a farmer make so imposing and even elegant a show, for a trifling ex penditure, as by a free use of whitewash. 1 Evpn old buildings glow' and glisten t When is a a lawyer most like a don key ? When drawing a conveyance. ' s It is a very bad sort of education to be 'brought op by a policeman" . Moving . for a new trial courting a under the whitewash brush, and assume I second wife. a reW and fresh appearance. Buildings, Why w misery like most young la in the eye of the owner, as well as those dies ? Because "Misery loves cornea lie who assails a drunken man is like one who clubs a house when the owner is away." j k Many men. who pretend to have grains of good common sense seem to have scru ples about using them. -Why should a chimney sweep be a Because he is aj- of his neighbors, have a higher money value after the process is completed. A correspondent of the Jhrairie Farm er keeps the curculio from his plum trees this way : "As soon as the blossoms are fairly open, I sprinkle common salt around the trunk of the tree, covering a space as far out from the trunk as the limbs extend, making the ground fairly I good whist player ? white with salt, using from one to two I ways following soot quarts to a tree, then, wifh an iron tooth Why does a waiter at the restaurant rake I give the ground a thorough resemble a race-horse ? Because he runs scratching, working more or less of the J for the plate, salt from one to two inches 'into the 1 'A punster says that New York city i ground.- As soon as the blossoms have j now governed by Oakey Hall. Tammanv lairiy laiien trom tne tree, I repeat the liall, and Alcohol operation, which will usually be in about When your pocket is empty, and your ten days irom the first application. Two stomach also, sit down near a hot fire and applications are all that are required to I read a coockery-book obtain a crop of plums." I Josh Billings, says that opera musio No artificial food can compete with I don't have any more effect on him than grass, its juices matured and sweetened j castoP would have upon a graven im by - growing widespread, under the sun. j aoe Improve your pastures, and, meanwhile, I n,an turned his son out .-of doors do the best you can with substitutes. lately because he -wouldn't pay him house Never. Never taste an atom when you are not hungry ; it is suicidal. Never enter an omnibus without hav insr the exact change. Never stop to talk in a church aisle af ter service is over. Never pick your nose in company. boots, hats, coats and breeches ol the sleeprs. There were no windows, and though the door was open, there bein no moon, the night was very dark in that And, now to my story. It was a peace ful scene. The wily lawvers. who hnd she was. Well, sir, I courted her like sharp pain in one year than I have had Never speak of your father "as the old been contumacious as wild 4igs through man. Never reply to the epithet of a drunk ard, a fool, or a low fellow. Never speak contmptuously of woman kind. . . W Pi ever abuse one wno nas once been your bosom friend. Never seek to create a smile at the ex pense of your religion or your Bible. - Never stand at the corner of a street. Never take a second nap. Never eat a hearty supper. Never insult poverty. Never at between meals. . Never fret j it will only shorten your " ' 'f';J"': ''i.-V':'" :' - ' : -- Gov. Flanders, of Washington Territo ry writes a long letter to some gentlemen t Walla Walla assuring them that he - wanted Anderson Cox, Esq., appointed Governor and didn't want . the appoint ment himself, but President Grantrci it 00 him Certainly I lne President is doted for this sort of thing! His only trouble has been to find men who would tike appointments ! Oregonian. Cebtalizino Flowers. This is done by suspending or repeatedly dipping them in - water . saturated with alum. Thi.: however, ean only be done with dried specimens The freshness and beauty of flowers can be preserved by dipping them in glycerine. ' What did the potter say to the clay ? Be-ware. the day, were now the very incarnations of meekness j for when the hungry swarm a trump, and I thought I had her sure, when she eloped with a tailor that love ly creature did." -oue buowea Daa laste, said 1 com passionately. viuore thaij that," remarked Tom, nervously, the word. since put it all in a heap. I was in lively fever all the time. There is only one person who has inhabited this world thus far that I think could hev been an old bachelor and done the subject justice o-rf I J . . . - . of mosquitoes settled down and bit them aown lown Droler. a captain with whis- on the one cheek, thev slowlv t,, Sers or anything showy, that I could , .j 1 1 .... . . . um 10 oe cut out, line a suit of clothes, by the ninth part of a man that was brutality. But I swore vengeance that I did." "Vengeance ?" I nervously inquired. " 1 es, sir," said Tom with earnestness. "and I took it. I patronized the robber of my happiness, and ordered a full suit of clothes, regardless of expense. The tailor laid himself out on the job, I tell you; they were stunning, you may be lieve it." 'But your prompting him. "I struck that tailor in the most vital point that I did ; I "never paid that bill i no, sir, I. didn't. But those infernal i clothes were the cause of all my future rr.i .1 . .. ujiBiuriuno mat tney were. "How so ?" and he was Adam; but I hold it is every "Downright inhumanity is I man's duty to seleckt a partner and keep I could stand being jilted for I the dance hot. other to be bitten also. But hush 1 hark I A deep sound strikes on the ear like a rising knell. "Me-ow ow I" J udges Clark and Thomas -were wide awake and sitting bolt upright in an in stant. Again the startline crv I "Meow, ye-ow I" "There's a cat I" said Clark. "Scat, you I" hissed Thomas. Cat paid no attention to these demon strations, but picked herself - a softer spot on the- log upon which she was sit ting, and gave vent to another yol. On, Iiord I" cried Clark, "I can't stand this. Where is she. Thomas ?" il In vnnr bkia nf rhff rnnm snmank..A . " v ..-.v.o, replied Thomas. "No, she s on your side," said Clark. "Yc-ow-ow 1" said I, Take the 'Pains. Never think it too much trouble to answer your child ren's questions. ' How often do we hear the tart reply : . , "I am sure I don't know child don't tease me, when you see I'm busy 1" This is the surest way" to stunt the growth of your child's mind. It is the most cruet and ruthless conduct possible, thus to deny a child the information which he craves, and allow him to feel all the awkwardness and pain to which aorance exposes him. Bather , hail with joy these indications of a growing mind, and make the little inquirer happy by drawing him to yen with a kiss, and give him as full and patient an elncida tion as be may require. Does it j Exist. Wendell Philips says : ."Tne south creates an ideal xan- said I, with a smile of kee;, be does not exist; he never did "There, I told yon she was on your comPa881on- ; exist. The North creates an ideal South- side' they both exclaimed in a breath ; wearing them, I captivated mt pres- eraer : he never existed. The United And still the "yowl" went on; eot w"e- no -oI- me so, and I haven't J States lavishes thousands of millions of - II J 1 . ... ..... : m . But to mv storv. The idaa now n. uau nappy nay since. But 1 am bound dollars in an endeavor to aeaa witft an tered the heads 6f both the lawyers, that f be 8quare W1b that 'toked tailor, ideal Indian ; he aerer existed." by the exercise of certain strategy they "ZZLtL 'J?' The bUcU.r. rising in Eansa for a might be. enabled-W exeante a certain 1 on th "rrics my widew" ,JL vlaek flank moTement on .the cat and -totally f Query is the wheel of time ever tired? 1 birds aW cleaning mt the grasshoppers; rent a striking-proof of pay-rental affec tion. . '. : . Ladies are like watches pretty enough to look at sweet faces and delicato hands, but somewhat' difficult to "regu late" after thpv n.rn;n An advertising tallow chandler ""mod estly announces that without any dispar agement to the sun, he may confidently assert that his octagonal .spermaceti are the best lights ever invented. "A lecture will be delivered in the open air, and a collection taken at the door to defray , expenses," appeared re cently on a poster in the west of Em land. . " ' ! ' - Happiness consists of being " perfectly rence at Bailleul. A troupe of perform- 8aU8ned with what we have got and with ing lions had been visiting the place. wnas we naven t got. On tho night of the last performance the I . 1 he tobacco chewer 13 said to be like lion-tamer was suddenly taken ill, and in I a Sse in a dutch oven always on order not to disappoint the public, the 1 Pxt- uirecuir or inn irons ni KrnmtAi A 1 4. V ... ' : r ?. : one has invented a new plan for wu-numg 5oe oposuion 01 ms fiends, cheap boarding; . 0ne . tLJ m lusu euuugo to unaercaxe tne "dornp- Muck should not be taken to the field direct from tho swamps. It should be exposed to the atmosphere for six. months or more, the longer the better, and com posted with lime or unbleached ashes. An English farmer, by picking over wheat with the utmost care, and planting a grain in a place, at intervals of a foot each way, produced 162 bushels to -the acre. - A colt that measured only 9 inches in bight was - lately foaled in Ken tucky. A Cittcus DiaECTOB Eaten Up.- A Brussels correspondent writes : "Eas ter week has closed with a fearful occur- teurs'part. Mr. Brennett entered the cage, and succeeded for a time in making the lions go through their performances ; but when it came to the close, which consists in giving the animals raw meat, mesmerizes the rest, then eats a hearty meal the : mesmerized being satisfied from sympathy. - , ; : , We yesterday saw three boys "playing horse" says the Carson Appeal of Sunday. the director lost courage, and instead of A wnit y and a little darkey Were keeping a firm eye on .the animals, as tamers are wont to do, he trembled, and made for the door of the cage. This sealed his doom. A large lioness was the first to pounce upon him,, and in a TAW Vtr . tA. . K. A M.Bt. V. . .AW.nv. tan M I n. ...... was torn to pieces, spite of the efforts of i8t3iT committed suicida ta hir,. m - .wcu.vu - f "i mat bis brother's illness was mortal. W . i . i , rvt - - . - . eeperaw wie animais. ne excitement stabbed himself, erent to r- :, hitched p together and a China boy, was holding the grains and f driving them. What' will become of our Constitutional rights if this thing is suffered to- coa- tmue. "' Jt. - ' ' ,- ' among the madieoce can be better imag ined than described. . Many persons become so much affce ted with nervousness that the least an noyance greatly agitates them, and when they stretch out their hands they shake like aspen leaves on windy days." By a daily moderate uso of the - blanched stalks of celery, as a salad, they may . be come as strong and steady in , limbs as other people. Every one engaged , in his brother's bedside, and died there, j Both the broth ers were found dead in the morning. In Australia they have cone into a new kind of poultry raising. They have fenced ia 10,000 acres, where ostriches are kept, and it is found that the feathers of a fall grown bird will eell for 3100 a year. r ; The artesian well of the Insan As v. " lm, St Loais, Mo., has been abandoned. labor weakening to the nerves, or afflict- J fte' reaching a depth f foar thousand ted with palpitation of the heart, should ?et. The last 1,000 feet cost S500 per nse celery daily ia season, and onions in j root - '- Let the man who will not forviva re member that he break tha onlv bridM . 0Te whio Pebimatff ean pass to heaven. Our powers owe much of their energy to nor hopes. . its stead when not in season. An old bachelor, seeing the words "Families sunolied" over the door of shop, .steppe im and saidhe would take wiie ana two cnuaren.