Jill
SECTION FIVE
Pages 1 to 12
imm.
Women's Section .
Special Features
VOL. XXXVII.
PORTLAND, OREGOX, SUNDAY MORNING, JUNE 30, 1918.
NO. 26.
AT THE HOUSEBOAT ON THE
STYX A FOURTH OF JULY SCENARIO
copyright, isis! by the Mcciure "Newspaper syndicate Reported by Wireless to John Kendrick Bangs.
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11
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at. .-. .-. . .-
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' " ' i E-'saa.'s '.1.,.. .
SERIES OF SUMMER ORCHESTRA CONCERTS
PLANNED BY ARNOLD VOLPE, NOTED DIRECTOR
Eminent Conductor Accomplishing in One Season What Has Been Harped Upon for Long Time
Hearing of Music by Students Without Serious Strain on Pocketbook.
-Making Possible
BT EMILIE FRANCES BAUER.
NEW YORK, June 29. (Special.)
An entirely new phase has come
upon the musical life - of this
country, one which should make for
the broadening of all musical condi
tions. The ''season" has been eliminat
ed and the only difference between con
ditions at present and as. they are in
mid-Winter is that discernible between
-Winter music and Summer music. - The
latter is strengthening materially and
promises to be a . strong ' feature in
American life. It does' not seem possi
ble that the complete .apathy toward
music in Summer will ever again ob
tain as it did formerly because the
public will have become accustomed to
Its support and look forward to It as to
a sustenance necessary to mind, soul
and thereby body . -
Summer music: is occupying the at
tention of public and artists and there
Is little doubt that Arnold Volpe Is un
dertaking one of the greatest educa
tional plans ever furthered In this
country. He will conduct a series of
symphony concerts beginning Sunday
evening. June 23. to continue every
evening throughout the Summer. The
orchestra . will be composed of the
picked men from symphony and Met
ropolitan Opera orchestras disbanded
for the Summer and it will include a
number of men formerly known as the
Volpe Symphony Orchestra, for this
eminent conductor . will be remembered
by a large following as one of the most
successful wielders of the symphonic
Daton.
Object Is - Acrompllikrd.
For many seasons Mr. Volpe and his
energetic wife" have worked .toward a
Summer season of this description, but
never until now has It been made possible.1.-It
is called 'into : being princi
pally by the great need for music this
Summer and it . will . be ' first-class in
every particular. The concerts will be
given in the open' in the stadium of the
College of the. City of New York, and
In bad weather in the great hall, which
is an Immense auditorium and a very-
fine one. The prices, which . will Mn
clude the war tax, will be 25 cents, and
men in uniform will be admitted free.
Mr. Volpe will have an orchestra of 90
men and- the greatest available soloists
of the country will be heard. . The con-
Concluded on I'ago 2.)
Liberty Being: Chased Through' Space by a Band of Huns.
r mv itotA semr t -.
1 "x-
I Was Dining With Adam and Eve.
IT WAS verging- close- upon - the
Fourth of July, and the popularity
of George Washington among , the
members of the associated shades was
so great that there was an almost
unanimous demand that the Natal day
of the American Republic should -. be
fittingly celebrated.- The board ot di
rectors had passed a resolution calling
for its fullest observation, and had ap
pointed Sir Walter Raleigh. Brutus.
Diogenes and Ananias a committee of
four to make all necessary arrange-
ents. The appointment of Ananias
on such a committee was not easy to
understand, and was accounted for only
by the fact that he wa.s put up as a
last hour candidate to stave off the
selection of Guy Fawkes, although
there were members who claimed that
his presence on the committee was de
sirable because of th contrast between
his reputation and' that of Washington
on the score of veracity. This commit
tee was holding its meeting In the
smoking-room of the houseboat when
Shakespeare, whistling . "It's a, Long
Swim to Honolulu," happened In..
"Hi. there. Bilious. cried Diogenes.
banging his lantern on the table.
'Come over here a minute. 1 ou re Just
the man we're looking for."
"Ah? Landed your honest man at
last, eh, Diodge, old boy?'- said Shakes
peare. "Well." he added, "you haven't
made any mistake this time. Know
ing myself as I do I marvel you didn't
ferret me out sooner. That old glim of
yours is a pretty we-k sister in the
spotlight line."
"Sorry. Bilious." .said Diogenes., "but
it isn't that I know Just how honest
you are, and when I finally publish my
little volume of ho s Not v ho on
the Field of Honor' you'll be surprised
to see Just where Abou Ken Bilious
stands on the list of min ts."
"What we want to talk to you about
is this Fourth of July stunt we are
going to pull off In honor of .Wash
ington." said Sir Walter. "We had a
notion you might have a few Ideas "
"Or if you hadn't." said Brutus, "that
you'd know where to get 'em. As a
corraller of ideas from many sources
you have always, been the 19th wonder
of the world to me."
"You" are very good to say so. salti
Shakespeare., "It. has always been my
habit to let any Idea max came my
way filter through my brain, and make
what use I could of the residuum."
"Some colander, that brain of yours,"
said Ananias:
' "We are not '. Idly .flattering you.
either. Bilious." said Diogenes.- "We
realize that you have the entree to
idea circles that are beyond the reach
of the rest of ns. and I personally had
a notion that If you hadn't any of your
own on tap you might worm a few out
of Bacon that would be really worth
while." ....
"For heaven's sake. Diogenes,
growled Brutus, giving the' philosopher
a sharp kick on the shins under the
table. "Hooverlze on that Bacon stuff,
will you? Can It-Just this once. We
need this man's help, and you're spill
ing the haricots all over the place."
"O I don't mind. Brute." said Shakes
peare, laughing amiably. "I've got so
I can almost tell the time of-day 'by
that hoary old marron-glace. It aver
ages along, about 27 minutes past 3
every day of my life. I'd miss It. like
the dickens if somebody forgot to- pull
It. What's the big Idea you geniuses
want me to redeem-from chaos this
llmo?"
"We're going to celebrate the Fourth
of July down here." explained Raleigh,
"and we thought you might be willing
to write a scenario tor us.
"i don't recall." said Shakespeare.
"that I ever knew - much .about the
Fourth of July. I don't ; remember
touching upon It in any or. my plays.
What -does it -stand for?"
"It was Washington's birthday,
stupid," said Ananias.
. "Perfectly incorrect, like most of An
anias' statements." said Sir Walter.
"Really.. for all your learning you an
cients are the weakest birds ..in the
whole human "aviary when it-comes-to
matters of history. - I. don't believe you
ever even heard of Tammany Hall..
"You . can search me," said - Ananias.
"But I never pretended to.be a Ph-.D.
on aviation, anyhow. - -
-i'The Fourth of July. William." con
tinued Raleigh, - "was the .day when
liberty was invented by Tom . Jeffer
son. Ben Franklin and our well-beloved
ink-slinger. Johnny Hancock, to
gether with a few dozen members of an
American syndicate, who got George
Washington to put it on the market."
"Oh yes." said Shakespeare. "I do
remember something about that. . That
was the- time old George the Third got
In Dutch over the pond. But what have
we got to do with It? This is no time
to wave the bloody shirt. Walt."
"We aren't going to flash any laun
dry f any kind on the public eye." re
turned Sir Walter. "On the contrary
we are all going to buckle down and
celebrate it. and it's a darned good
thing we are. . he added with en
thusiasm, "because if American liberty
had not been hoarded up and carefully
conserved for the past hundred and
forty-two years, with Bill of Potsdam
chewing it up at the present rate, there
wouldn't he enough of it left to supply
the island of Guam six months, much
less the rest of the World."
Shakespeare shook his head doubt
fully. "I like America.", said he. "but 1
must say -that i sometimes American
liberty strikes me as being something
of a-merry ha-ha, as Lord Chesterfield
would put it. I have gone so far as to
strspect that , there isn't any real free
dom ' In "America. Why, Walt. I'm told
that there are places in America to
day where a man can't get a mug of
brown October ale without a doc-tor-s
prescription, where the clink of the
glass that cheers Is legal evidence of
the perpetration of a crime, and where
good Samaritans are actually thrown
into Jail for carrying assauging waters
to the parched throats of the thirsty."
Yes." said Diogenes, "and they tell
me that in five years that will be the
condition of things everywhere. But
you. see.- Bilious. that situation has
been brought about by the Americans
themselves, and has not been imposed
upon them arbitrarily by any external
force. That's where the liberty of It
comes in. You somehow don't seem to
know what liberty means."
"O yes I do." returned the bard.
"Liberty means the freedom to do any
thing you Jolly well please at any old
time you Jolly well please to do It."
"That Is not liberty." retorted Brutus.
"That is anarchy. If we all did what
ever we .Jolly well pleased whenever
we Jolly well pleased to do It nobody
In the world would be free, becauwe
most of us in doing what we Jolly well
pleased would be Jolly well doing
things that wouldn't Jolly well please
somebody else. - 1 ou talk like a burglar.
Bill, who claims there-isn't any liberty
in the world because the law won't let
him break Into my house and walk
away with my wife's diamond tiara and
my loose change."
-"I never heard a burglar making any
such complaint," laughed Shakespeare,
"and if I ever do I'll. warn him. Brutus,
that to my certain knowledge your
wife's diamond tiara is paste and your
loose change nothing but stage money."
- "Be that as it may." said Brutus,
"you don't -appear to know the differ
ence between liberty and license. You
say there is no liberty in America be
cause If old Jack Falstaff wanted a
drink with some body to It he'd have
to - be satisfied with photographer's
psste or go without, in many parts of
the country. Well, if that were a rul
Ing imposed upon America by Potsdam
Bill you'd be right. If the Kaiser were
to say to the citizens of America, 'when
you are thirsty hereafter it's the
horse's neck for yours, and darned lit
tle o" that.' and the citizens of the
United States should knuckle down and
say, "all right. Billiam. We'd rather
Inhale the straight stuff, but if you say
horse's neck for ours we'll have some
o' the same, that would prove they
were an enslaved people. But when
they come along of their own free will,
and after many years of intimate rela
tions with the gentleman, say to John
Barleycorn: 'Lookahere. Johannes, after
a century or two of chumming around
with you,' we find that you are a delu
sion and a snare, a phoney friend that
doth make boobs of us all, and we'll
have no more of you. confining our
libations from henceforth to Raspberry
Shrub." then they are exercising that
freedom-of choice that Is synonymous
with perfect liberty. It all depends
on who forges your shackles whether
you are free or not."
"The truth is. Shakey." said Raleigh,
"that in any properly organized state
of society the-kind of freedom you talk
about could not be tolerated for &
minute. Take freUom of speech, for
instance. There's been a great hulla
baloo about it lately. bit honestly. Bill.
I've never met a human being outside
of Bedlam, or an American university,
who could say whatever he wanted to
say whenever and wherever he wanted
to say it. It can't be done by anybody
but a confirmed trotsky. I'll give you
a -ase in point. I was dining wit
Adam and Eve the other night, and
Kve suddenly asked me what was my
favorite fruit, and I really hadn't the
face to tell the truth and say 'apples.' I
Just couldn't do it and rake up an old
family scandal, so I merely blushed
and lied. 'Potatoes.' said I. As a gen
tleman I could not allude even remote
ly to the core in the closet in the pres
ence of the lady who put It there."
"Well, that's all very Interesting."
said Shakespeare, "birt I don't see
what it proves except that being a gen
tleman sometimes puts a man at a tre
mendous disadvantage."
"It proves that there are times when
ordinary decency forbids absolute free
dom of speech, and that therefore there
can be no such thing among civilized
pebple." said Raleigh.
"Well, how about this Fourth of July
proposition," said Shakespeare. "D
you want a scenario of action or of
speech? Is it to be do or Just a a pyro
techuical Chautauqua stunt? If It's to
be the latter I might write a corking
sort of Mark Anthony oration for Wash
ington to deliver over the dead body of
Frederick the Great if Freddy will con
sent to play dead for a few minutes.".
"If you ask me." said Diogenes. "I'd
like to see something done in the
world that Is TALK-PROOF Just
once. It would be such a novelty. I
am getting so immortally sick of this
endlrss parade of trained Vocabularies
that I have decided to wear ear-tab
for the next five hundred years Just
to keep my inner man from being
drowned In verbosity."
"What we want more than anything
else is a grand pyrotechnical display."
said Brutus. 'Scenario, aed non Li
bretto.'" "Exactly." said Ananias. "Not the
ordinary verbal fireworks such as you
wrote for Brutus. Bill, full of hot air
and scintillating sissers of speech, bu
a real rockets-red-glare-bombs-burst -Ing-in-air
effect, as if Popocatepetl
had erupted a billion red-whlte-and-blue
tin Lizzies Into the empyrean."
"I getcha." said Shakespeare, begin,
nlng to warm up a bit. "You want an
explosion in honor of Liberty that will
staxger humanity."
"Say rather an explosion that will
stagger inhumanity." said Sir Walter.
"Humanity has been staggered enough
of late, and It's time to turn the tables.
The Ascendency of Liberty Above Au
tocracy Is the idea."
"Of Liberties over the Demi-tasse."
said Brutus. "The same old fight Cas
sius and I had with Caesar, Bill. You
made a pretty good Movie out of that,
and if you'll put your mind on it you
ought to be able to pull another with
this other mock-turtle Caesar the've
got on their hands over the River right
now."
Shakespeare buried his face In his
hands and thought deeply for a mo
ment, and then emerged from a brown
study with a triumphant gleam in his
eye.
"I've got It!" he cried.
' "Eureky he got it:" roared Dio
genes. "Yes," said Shakespeare. "I've got
It. It's melodramatic, but good. I pro
pose to open with Dame Liberty dwell
ing amid scenes of Peace anl Plenty,
when 'suddenly the scene of Peace and
Plenty blows up. and we see Liberty
being chased through space by a band
of Huns with a chap at their head
wearing a pair of spiked moustaches
on- his upper Up, as though to keep It
stiff."
"Which his name Is Potsdam Bill,
the Sanguinary Terror of Hohenzol
lern Gulch." said Brutus.
"Exactly.", said Shakespeare. "Im
mediately a' host of defenders arise,
and start in full cry to the rescue of
the Lady. First Joan of Arc appears.
(Concluded on laje i.)