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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 3, 1918)
TITE SUXDAY OKEGDXIAX, PORTLAND, FEBRUARY .3, 1918. wigllfew Trans mm iPoi&3riiiS) m TO $ 1-The Gehenna Gazette Interviews the Kaiser - rm " . . . - s-r m s m - TCopyrlght. 111. McClur Nawspap Syndicate.) KLU well, well." roared Cap. iln Kldd. as he entered th Library of the Houseboat on th Styx, and arreted Atrila, the Hun, wno waa seated In one corner of the room sipping his favorite tipple of wood alcohol and tabasco mum, "if It tan t itood old Att: Whit i the matter, old man. you look like the Gloom Trust. When I first caught sight of yon thought yu were a thunder cloud, and Bad visions of a heavy rain, you look a black." -well, why shouldn't IT" retorted Attlla. with a rrlm acowL Because, old top." (Tinned the Captain, "your reign, la over; your Stunt la to do the rainbow act." "Humph." aniffed the Hun. "Rain kw act. eh? After that?" Ha banged his band viciously upon tko first pass of the Gehenna Gaaetto. wiera, capped with headlines of th mo approved scare-head pattern. Captain Kldd read the follow Ins;: A Worthy ml a Faaaou R I-atat advices from th-upper-world aro to the effect that Kaiser William the Second baa taken as bis model In the, savage forma of warfare be Is waging oa the women and children of artb his predecessor In pillage, peter J. Attlla. q. formerly of Hunvllle-n-tha-Spre. and now a prominent resident of Hades. Those who have followed the courses of the two distin guished potentates find an amazingly complete parallel between the Infamous conduct of the two men. and a recent Interview granted tha Potsdam corre spond n". of the Gazette by tha present head of the German Empire would eons to Indicate that the similarity is not a mora accident, but a matter of premeditated choice on the part of the reigning sovereign. "Tea." said the Kaiser, as ha gra ciously received your Correspondent In tho dark room where be was having bis dally flashlight taken. "I am per fectly willing to admit It. Attila is my great exemplar. They say I am con ceited, and regard myself as the great originator of all the t-uly progressive movements of my time, when as a mat ter of fact there never baa been In all recorded history a more modest man than Msclf print that Myself with a capital l. please, like the ! In Gott . r a more apt pupil of an Inspiring tearher. It u not I who Invented Uerman Killter I er I mean Kultur but that rare spirit Attlla. my Illus trious predecessor In Teutonic effort. It was ha who first laid down tha fun damental principles noon which the glorious regeneration of a degenerate world might be b-sun." "Would your Irrperl.il Majesty delrn to state In a smile word just what the fundamentals of those fundamental Brlnrpl,a ter was asked. "With pi-asurr." replied the Kaiser, scratching his left ear with the prong of his riKht moustache. "It slm plclty Itself. To eradicate weakness from the world, strike at Its oirr. Eradicate the snk:in. In other words war upon the helpless. The he.p less are a burden to every community, livery dependent person in the world Is a hindrance to the growth of the stronger Individual upon whom he de re "" '- e-'.-t retf-ris hll "WIIERE IS THAT HOUXlV-WHERE IS HE?" progress, and thereby diminishes the possible sum total of the world's ad vance toward that perfection of which we llohensollerna are the supreme ef florescence. It was upon that basis that - tills the Master Invariably acted, and In this present conflict In the ri- J structlon of old women, old men. and little children, for wblch the squeam Ish have so severely criticised me. sm but carrying out hla noble pollclea for tha benefit of the whole buman kind. Captain Kidd read tha abovs care fully, and with a beaming smile be turned to the angry Hun. "Why. my dear old boy," aald be, "what Is there In that for you to be angry about? I should say that waa a tribute rather than a -lam." "Tribute nothing." retorted Attlla. with a acowL "It's pure, unadulterated libel that s what It Is. and 1 m not go. Ing to stand for lt I have retained the firm of Coke. Blackstone and Lycurgu. to Institute a suit at once for libel against Jim Hoswrll for printing such disgusting stuff about me. Things are getting so here In Had. s these degen erste daya that nobody's safe, nobody Is allowed any private life; one may be pure as the undrlven loot and not es cape calumny." "Put I don't see " began Kldd. scratching hla head In perplexity. "Of course yon don't," returned At tlla. "But you'd see quick enough If It was you Instead of me he'd written bout. Come now let's suppose a sim ilar rase with you as the hero Instead of me. Tou were a pirate." were you not 7" "Vbetchar cried Kldd. joyously. "I was the dandiest little old buccaneer that ever sailed the sea. What old whtskerando Van Dyke was to por traiture that was I In tha gentle art of THE SHARKS .USED TO FOLLOW MY SHIP AROUND THE WORLD FOR THE PLEASURE OF SEEING ME WORK." and to begin all over again. "Why, Att," he added, clapping his hand to his dirk handle enthusiastically, "like the aiser I don t want to seem boastful. but by Jingo, old .Scout, It's nothing but Neptune's truth that even the sending millionaire sailors hack to the 'sharks used to follow my ship around I the world Just for the pleasure of ing me work." "I know," said Attlla. "Tour record Is perfectly familiar to me, and it was the best of Its kind. I sometimes think that as a cut-throat you had me skinned sixty ways for Sunday. But ' to come to the point suppose that old Jackass Boswell were to print a story on his front page something: like this, for instance: Captain Kldd In Harness Again. "Recent tiewp from tie upper-world indicates that Captain Kldd has re turned to -earth again and resumed operations, although this time the buc caneer is not flying the black flag upon the high seas, but is doing a land-office business as a promoter of war chari ties, from which he Is deriving huge profits at the expense of the alleged beneficiaries' thereof. Several individ uals, have Just been indicted by the grand Jury of New York for pocketing the bulk of the proceeds of the recent Army and Navy bazaar, at which $75 000 was received, and from which the beneficiaries got less than $750.' The parallel between activities of this na ture and the piratical scheme of Cap tain ividd is so clear that "Stop right there!" roared Kidd, brandishing a dagger over Attila's head. "You and 1 have been- pals for many a long year, Att, but I want to say before you go a step further that 1 ehaLl consider even the supposition uf such a case a deadly insult." "Well, there you are!" laughed At tila. "I don't blame you." "Yo.u'd better not blame me," said Kldd, quivering with wrath. "The very suggestion that bad as I was I could ever consent to such petty mean ness as to rob the poor and afflicted in any such paltry fasion as that makes my blood boil." "Sure It does," said Attila, "and now you know how I feel when Jim Boswell likens trie to Kaiser William." "Oh. but it's different in your case." said lildd. "You must admit that as a pillager you were a pretty slick ar ticle, Att.. There wasn't much in pure thuggery as an art that you weren't up on, and generallyover the top with. If you didn't smash" a few Kheims Cathedrals it wasn't because you didn't want to, but because there weren't any Rheims Cathedrals to smash. When it same to making a fire insurance pol icy 'look like 39 cents, ins counterfeit money you didn't have much on Bill Hohenzollern. you know. Anything that would light you lit. Tou had a way with you that would superinduce heat in a modern steam-heated flat. As coal conserver you would have been Garfield's joy, because you shoveled palaces and public libraries, and pri vate dwellings into the furnace when ever you felt your feet getting cold; and if' you'd been hanged f on just one minute for every human being you caused to be buried before his time you'd have been hanging yet." "Granted," said Attila. "Granted, and proud of it. I went the limit. I left scars in my 'track that appalled the Furies themselves. When it came to pure pitiless piHage I had Molock, An thropophagus. Blue Beard, Beelzbub and old boy Belial himself lashed to the mast Messalina was a lady and Nero a movie-idol alongside of me. I was glutton for rascality. If ever a loose fish swam the sea, or a harpy flew the air, your old pal Att was It. Malev olence was my middle name; arson my joy; ferocity my twin; but " That s what rve been waiting for. said Kidd. "I knew there'd be a but butting in before long. But what out withr it." "I never was a hypocrite! said Attila. What I did I did to gratify my lusts and passions. If I skewered a baby on the end of my pike-staff I did it for the pleasure of hearing him squeal, or seeing him squirm. I never pretend ed I was doing it as the instrument of God. or for the benefit of society. Mur der, arson, rape, mayhem? Sure! I reveiled in 'em. They were to my life what hors doeuvres are to a 50-cent table d'hote. I was a scoundrel, a caitiff, a ruffian, a bully, and a brut ish beast, but I never stayed safely at home in a nice, warm steam-heated palace 97 miles from the front, kid ding the world into believing that all my barbaric savagery waa the work of Seraph of Light sent to lift a fallen world up out of the pit of degeneracy to perfection. I may be Attila, Kidd, ouc oy me jiving Jingo, rm not reck, sniff!" It was at this point that the conver sation, singularly enough, was inter rupted by the offending editor himself, James Boswell. who came running ex citedly into the room. "Save mei Save me!" he cried, the celestial heights of spiritual cowerlnir down oenind Attiia.- "Save you from what?" growled the Hun, eyeing the trembling Boswell fe rociously. But the answer was not needed. Hot on Bosweli's trail, equally excited, and his face flaming with wrath, came Benedict Arnold. "Where is Ue hound where Is he?" he cried. "Is Boswell here?" "You can search me," replied Kldd. "I'm not Jim's keeper. What's tha trouble?" "I'm going to pound him to a pulp, I'm going to cut hlra into ribbons," said Arnold, brandishing a revolution ary sword over his head. "But why?" insisted Attlla. drawing his robe across the shoulders of the cowering Boswell, to hide him fpum view. "He likened me to L.a Follette!" cried the angry interloper. Ha!" said the Hun. , "He did, did he? Well, that's too bad, and I'm sorry for you but he likened me to tho Kaiser, and all I have to say to you, sir,. is that when you get through with, him I wish you would send what's I-f t of hira to me by parcels-post. I hav sulphuric geyser in my backyard Just waiting to give fellows of his sort a pleasant little shower-bath. He cams that doorway over there but I didn't see him go out." Whereupon Benedict Arnold started off in hot pursuit, and Attila, lifting his robe from the cowering journalist, sat down and roared with laghter. "Jim," he said, shaking his finger at the quivering biographer. "Stand up. and stop giving us a fool imitation of an earthquake. If you weren't an im mortal I'd kill you for what you said bout me in your libellous old sheet. but since that can't be done I'm going to let you off altogether, not because forgive vou, but for the pleasure it gave me to see how perfectly you had touched that piker, Benedict, on the raw. Murderers, pillagers, rapers, huns, vandals, thugs, hooligans and what not if we dig deep enough sometimea we can find some good in them, but in hypocrites and traitors? Never! You may go, but I warn you here and now that if you ever mention me in the same breath with any of that Pots damned outfit again well, count on me for some new and highly Teutonic refinement in the line of reprisal." "And before you go," said Captain Kidd, grasping Boswell by the arm and -i whirling him Around, "you and I mlgnt also understand each other. If you want to keep that thing you call your face intact, Jim, just don't mention me in connection with this war at all. Something tells me that you have a paragraph quivering somewhere in. your old cerebellum that connects me f uo with old Von Tirpitz, and I want to tell you nowthat the day that is M published a well-known spook famous for its observations concerning the ways, habits, manners, and lack of . manners, of a certain Dr. Samuel John- . son will be found lying flat on its nose 1 at the bottom of the bottomless pit with a 15-ton dumb-bell tied in a bow- S knot around its neck. See?" And Boswell saw, which is probably one of the reasons why that particular paragraph has never yet appeared in the Gehenna Gazette. (Another article by Mr. Bangs next Sunday.) SHI FOR THE YOUNG P EOPLE fiBE " L. 1 THE LITTLE FIRST-AIDER TIUJK waa walking down the (nurse wounded soldiers. Miss Smith, street, w ith a tremendously Impor- J the nurse who is teaching us First Aid, tant look. Indeed. If you were toja that lota and lots of nurses and aa seen her and not known that she was only Tlllle Itoop. you would have thought she waa maybe the Grand t'hief Thinker of the World! Molly Ieaa looked rather surprised to see T.llie walking along looking so very Important. "Where'ra yoo going. Tlllie?" asked )toily. "I'm going to the corner to buy some rags fvr Mommer." "I'm going to the first Aid Meet ing." replied Tilite. "After you buy doctors are going away to nurse wounded soldiers. that's why all the people at home ought to know First Aid. so they can take good care of themselves while the nurses are away. I:ut I've noticed that almost nearly always the first thing to do in First Aid la to run and get a doctor." When Tlllle came back from her First Aid class Molly ran to meet her. "Mummer saya 1 can beloug." she said. "When can I o'.- "Next Friday we have to go again, th. eggs, maybe your moth., .Ml let .;., house and play hospital? I've got all sjau cvme loo- Ask her and see. "All rigtt." said Molly. "What's First Aid Molly thought at leaat sb wondered if It were anythlug nice lemonade. pose somebody fe'.I down and had a fit what would you do?" replied ri'.iie. u,:y shook ber head. "Run away. I gruees." she said. "st'pos somebody cut their hand aw fal bad and It bird, what would you s" sent on Tlilia "I'd tell em to tie It up." replied Moi "Well, that wouldn't be right." aald Tlllle. " pose somebody got scaMed With hot water, what wu,d you do "I don t know." teplled Moily. "What makes ou aa nuv such lots of ques tions "liecauae that's Flrt Vtid to know the answers." ret.l.rd T.I'ie. as the two little gir: wa.k-4 along together. "J m your l.ttie brother swallowed awe rat poison and nobo.lv was home but you and be would die right off jutrk ante you d:d something to save him. what would you do "Vlj" ss.14 Moi'y. her blue eyea uatte b I aad round, "I doa t iieve Moir.mcr aps any rat poison in th house" "e;". lust s poee." replied Tllll "First Aid would tell you what to do. Vr Conrad, rierry Cor.rad' mother. has tb f irst Aid Class at hr bouse. real trained nurs cornea and tens wa bow to ti up hurt, and how to snake pwopt get well when they has fits aad bow to make taem spit oat pwisoa. and oh. lot of tniag. Yoo Just must come! Aad see our uni forms. . , a T:l;t polled open her long bin cap and showed her first Aid unuorm. It waa a pretty, light blue dr .with a whi's aproa ever It. "I v got a whit piece of cloth with red rrgis oa It around my left arm." aid T: lie. "and la class we wear white crs i:k this." TUlie cap had a long pointed hood fssteaed on. and sh pushed the hood rf hr head. A dear, little whit cap Was oa her head. Til ask Monimer right off If I ran hwloag too- cried Molly. -I hop she sr yea. I want to ho a trained aura When I grow up" -ho do L replied Tllli. .'ft Ilka to my dolls in bed. The two little girls went Into the hous and soon Trier. Tillies little brother who was only five, and Sammy. Time's big brother, who was 10. came to play too. Sammy wanted to be the doctor, and Peter played wounded sol dier, while 'llllle and, Molly "Were the trained nurse. Supper time came so soon, and Molly had to go away. Nobody fruessed all the excitement that was in store for them all next time they met! . It was at the breakfast table next morning that TUlie heard Molly's voice calling: "Tlltl?! Tillie! TUleeee!" The last "Tillie" was so loud and shrill that all three. Sammy. Tillie and Peter, jumped up, while Mother Koop said: "Mercy! What a voice that child has!" The children asked to be scused.' and out they ran. Molly was standing out on the lawn. "Oh Tillie!" she cried. In an awful excitement, "P-please come quick. 1-rankle is having a FIT! Tlllle was thinking quick as a flash about her First Aid lessons, and she said: "Cracked Ice! as she followed Molly over the lawn, across the stree and Into Molly's back yard. She knew that Molly'e little brother was not is I J; ; ( yS4 A Do- Uttlo " hit Cap -Waa aa Hr Head. named Frankle, but she expected to see a little boy in a fit. In the back yard, under a box hedge which was all covered with snow lay a rather slimsy, spotted cat. "Frankle, Frankie, Frankle!" called Molly, coaxingly. But the poor pussy gave queer meow and began tearing around the yard, dashing itself against the clothes ooles and back steps. At last It fell down panting hard on the frozen path" leading to Uie back gate. "Cracked Ice! Cracked Ice!" said Tlllle, running to Pussy's side. Well, there -was plenty of cracked Ice around. Tillie took a piece in her hand and held it on Frankie's forehead. "Molly," she said In a quiet voice. Just like Miss Smith's, "please get me a hot water bag at once." Into the house ran Molly, and very soon out she came with a hot water bottle full of nice hot water. "Squeeze the air out," said Tillie. "A hot water bag should never be hard and full. It ought to have the extra air squeezed out and be soft." Sammy squeezed the air out, then Tillie put the hot water bag on Fran kie's feet, "Frankle must be put In st warm, quiet place." said the little nurse. "He's got too. much excitement." Molly said that there was a nice place where he usually stayed under the steps, where a hot water pipe ran through and made It warm, tihe ran and got an old shawl and Nurse Tillie wrapped up Frankie and carried hira to the place which they called the Hospital. It was soon seen that Frankie was getting better, and Tillie said he might have a little warm milk. Molly's mother came out to see what was go ing on. and when she heard all about Frankie's terrible fits and Tillie'a First Aid. she said: Well, if you could cure a cat, I guess you could pretty near cure a person. I certainly want Molly to learn First Aid, but please use this old ammonia bottle It haa nice, hot water in It and give me my new hot water bag. I need it for my own cold A few silver coins. Charles Heade's "Hard Cash." Drawing of a rooster playing on a piano. Reade's "Fowl Play." 6ome pictures of the wilds of India. Wallace's "Prince (prints) of India." A gas company's bill. Tennyson's "Charge of the Light Brigade." . A fur tail sewed under pictures of any two large cities. Dickens' "Tale of Two Cities." A paper with a toothpick and a lamp wick on it. Dickens' "Pickwick Papers." . Picture of a man with letters "S A" on him. Pope's "Essay on Man." Two small tin measures with the word '"for" between them. "Shake speare's "Measure for Measure." Picture of a pen, a. den and an "S." Thackery's "Pendennls." Picture of a pretty girl looking In a mirror. Thackery's "Vanity Fair." A large safety pin. Miss Johnson's "To Have and to Hold." A few blades of grass. Walt "Whit man's "Blades of Grass.". Card on which is printed "Good night" and "Good morning." Bulwer's "Night and Morning." Card on which Is printed "Gnlkool." Representing Bellamy's "Looking Backward." Name of New York and some very sleepy town. Amelia Rives' "Quick or the Dead." There are dozens of new - and old books, and literary effusions that lend themselves to representation by draw ings, or pictures or objects. There should be at least one book, for each guest. The one who guesses the most correctly wins a souvenir of a book of poems. HELPING UNCLE SAM "I feet.' A Literary Party S si often when your friends call to spend an afternoon the time drags because you have not an Interesting form of entertainment at hand, and conversation lags. Here Is a sugges- ion for a "Literary Party," which will prove novel and Interesting. Ask each guest to select the name of a book or poem or story, and represent It as In telligibly as he knows how, and It Is up to the other guests to guess which book or poem he Is portraying. A short 1st of such literary effusions and their mode of representation will suffice to show yon how the game is played: Scoots Are "Intelligence Drrlalon," Boy Scout News. Chairman George. Creel, of the com mittee on public information, defines in this manner the work of the Scouts: "The Boy Scouts are again summoned to aid the National cause. This time they have the high responsibility of carrying into every home the message of their Government concerning the war and tha cause our Army and Navy is defending. Nothing could be more Important than the task' they now as sume as messengers of the Government at Washington, D. C "In this task they are the direct rep resentatives of the committee on pub lic information, which was created at the very beginning of the war that there might be some agency to keep the people informed about the war and its causes and progress. "The committee has done its part in preparing the pamphlets they are to distribute to the homes throughout the land. It entrusts to their faithful and willing hands the responsible work of putting in each home the bulletins it haa printed," The Yonng Optimist, "Did it break, little daughter?" I asked the wee maid. As I heard the pretty cup fall. "Not a bit," cama. back her cheerful reply. . "The handle came off, that's all." HELPING UNCLE SAM AT HOME. WISH there was something a boy as big as me could do for the war," sighed Ned as he and his father turned away from watching a parade of soldiers pass along the street. Flags were flying gaily, bands still echoed in the distance, and every one was filled with enthusiasm. No wonder six-year-old Ned wanted to do his "bit." "There Is something you can do," said his father as the two picked their way through the crowd, "there s a lot." "tioody!" cried Ned happily, "tell me." "First, keep yourself well," said his father. "That will not only save me money which I can spend- for my coun try, but will keep the doctors from oemg too Dusy to help the soldiers. The less they do for us the more they can do for the Army. And keening well means brushing teeth and eating Just what and when you know you should and always washing hands be fore you eat. How's that for a start, son?" ,He looked down to see the most dis appointed face Ned could make. "Why, father!" exclaimed the little fellow, "that's not what I mean at all! You know how I hate to brush my teeth, and anyway, that's not Army work. I want something that seems like a soldier. What else can I do?" "Well," continued his father., "you can do all the grocery delivering for your mother, that will help a lot. for then the grocery man won't need so J f, i i j a am i. He Started Drilling at Once, many boys to deliver goods. How does that sound?" "Not much better," said Ned, "it doesn't sound like a soldier." "Then we'll make it sound like a soldier," said his father, smiling. "You promise you will do your share and we'll fix the soldier part you just wait till tomorrow and see!" The next morning after breakfast Ned's father called him to come out into the back yard for a look "at the camp," and you may be sure Ned was ready to go, for he suspected a surprise J from the twinkle he saw in his father's eye. . And he was right. There was a sur prise. Out in the back yard, under the big maple tree, stood a tent just like a real for sure enough Army tent. And across the front of the tent were the words, "U. S. Army" in great big let- j ters. "That's what I want!" exclaimed Ned 4 happily, "that's; like a soldier!" "To be sure!'' agreed lys father, "folks work berter when they do things Army fashion. Now look inside." i Ned did as he was told and there he .found the biggest surprise of all. There was a wooden gun, for drill ing, father said; and an express wagon, a nice big one that would haul a lot; v and over in the corner was a shelf on which stood a. soap dish, a towel and a tooth brush ail ready for use. "Now." explained father, "you can drill and you can see service and when i you're through you can . bring your cleaning kit into the house to clean . yourself up. Hows that for soldier work?" You may be sure Ned was delighted. He put up a big Army sign in the front of the tent and started drilling at once. He not only hauled supplies for his mother and kept himself clean and well, but he soon was hauling for other folks and earning Red Cross money as fine a war worker as any grown-up! Some Tonne Twisters. A group of children were having the greatest fun over some new tongue twisters. Each one was trying to see whether she couldn't say the following sentences better than her neighbor, and .. most of them made a mess of them: Try for yourself, and see whether you will have better luck. Say them quickly. A big black bolder on the black back'of the black beast bent on break ing things badly for big brother. Twelve tall tad toads tried to toddle to Tattletown together. Stop at the shop at the top of Sloan street, and get a mixture of mixed bis cuits for Peter Piper's petted panthers. Firm flesh of fleshy fresh fried fish forms a fine foundation. She stood atthe same spot serving the same sauce several Saturdays. Short socks shock simple Susan as I short socks are sure to do.