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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (June 18, 1916)
TTTT! RTTNTAV OT?EOOTAy. poktlaxd, jtjntj 18, 1910. 5 K THIS HERE PREPAREFULNESS BUSINESS HAS BEEN OVERDONE, SAYS ZAPP TO BIRSKY BY MONTAGUE GLASS ILLUSTRATED BY BRIGGS "According to Them Preparefulness Fellers, the Idealest Condition a Country Could Be In Is That Everybody Should Be Strong Enough to Get Shot. SCCopyright. 1916 The Tribune Aas"n.) r:on nn "" f f V. f, .!,; .,f V.,,-1T ,n.9lm, f- lit. PrJkJiI KTt 9 f.H,., f ' " "Vfl.. J : V "..A L T J' .U. ..it- OWADAYS people don't Preparefulness which is printed 20 y'understand, if a certain nation in a Systematic Exercise. Dieting and So- "What are you talking nonsense Birsky said. "That's an awful back about real Preparefulness against war do things by halves, said columns long in small type, like a no- continent which ain't Europe, Africa. cialism"" Birsky said. "The only U. M. W. of A.?" Zapp cried. number idee you got. Zapp. Do you any more as Prohibitionists are talk- xjarneu i-app, me waul f 1 - art,n fr fm-er-We Australia or America, and Iivinff. we f . 4.i 1 r ' manuraciurer, they. do em trom one a second mortgage on a trunk line rail- would say. for example, on islands and five-eights up to sixes. In other road mit a full description of all ter- north of the Philippines or somewheres words, they over-do 'em, and they don't property containing 25.664 acres, like that, was to land an army of thirty ge the results they expect to get." the said several dimensions more or thousand men in California, y'under- "Sure. I know." Louis Birsky. the less stand they couid walk away with real estater. agreed. "A feller starts "You couldn't tell by the looks of the country, because we ain't got no out to get a million dollars in 1 0 years the printing what a speech is about." Navy to speak about just a few navi- and all he gets is the 1 0 years." Birsky said. gatable sardine cans an tugs, like Tui- 1 m not talking from business, Zapp said. "Not alone business," Birsky said, "but other things also. Take, for in stance, getting married. Former times when a feller married a rich girl he might have gone so far as not to warn his wife's father and mother that they were digging their graves with their fnmarrt v'unAprztnA Knfr fliafr urat the biggest extent of his impatience to probate the will, Zapp. Nowadays, before he buys the wedding ring even, he is already looking up in a Carnegie Library is there or is there not a book by the name 'The Son-in-Law"s Com panion; or. How to Prepare One Hun dred Appetizing Dishes mil Sinai of Potassium." "What has all this got to do mit Preparefulness, Birsky?" Zapp de manded; "which I was saying that when Preparefulness was coming in last year like cape effects in taffeta dresses, Birsky, I was in favor of it, but they overdone it. Birsky." "I agree with you, Birsky,' Zapp key." said, "but I already read some" of thern "What do you mean we ain't got 1 1 a r trxCT a htnl r I Mrn 9 rati I n a n w thing against it is the people wat's in "The United Magazine Workers of nowadays .t helps a man any it - 1 -n . 1 drunkards. 10 one of them favor of it." America." Birsky said. "They even r genius? Theatr.cal managers "There's also the way they put it made him threats that they would call f J " eve do a genius as any- (q & prohibitionist all up to you." Zapp added. "Their talk- on him the Amalgamated Illus- bodv Lever even. Publishers is js piJsener ing points is bad. Birsky. For in- '"tors. New York Local No. 6. so " same wav; ZaPP! Burgundy is rum. and all them good stance, you take a feller who is i fa- lW Put whole thing up to the ZaPP a genius needs a union more light wines they drink by the quart in vnr f PrnUjuitn anrl will tell Board of Arbitrators of the American a mechanic, because the people he the old country is also rum. Zapp. So you there is 3.1416 in the Nebraska Council of Labor, y'understand. con States prison for every county in Ne- sisting of delegates from the Plumbers What for an induce- e boss publisher won out. 00 you mean to tell me that authors braska. a wet state, whereas in Kan- Union, the hederated foets ot Amer sas there is only 2.29999 state pris- ica tne Sandhogs' Union, the Rock oners for every county in Kansas, a men and Excavators' Union, the Gr. dry state. It figures out at somewheres P- & Symph. Composers Local No. around 85-100 of a prisoner in favor ' and the Journeymen Plasterers, and of Prohibition. ment is that. Birsky? Why don't he figure it out say in composers of . and poets is joining a union already?" music oder picture painters? If he Zapp exclaimed. could say there was .006234 composers "And actors also," Birsky said, in every county of Kansas, dry, for "Only last week the actors has joined .000085 composers in every county of the American Federation of Labor. Nebraska, wet, y'understand, or that Zapp, and the same like the railroad for .every .0000002 picture painters workers is split up into Brotherhood in Kansas, dry. there was only of Locomotive Engineers, Firemen's .000000 1 5 in Nebraska, wet, then he Union, Trainmen's Union and Con would be talking. Or put it another ductors Union. Zapp, so you will see way, more attractive, Birsky, and say that there will be Juvenile and Lead that during the last 10 or 15 years, ing Men's Unions, Brotherhood of as the case may be, that Kansas has Heavies and even Amalgamated Prima been dry, y'understand, she has pro- donnas, mil union cards and buttons, duced as many as .000000000 1 grand y'understand. In fact, I wouldn't be opera, whereas in Nebraska, a wet surprised that if the feller which plays state, there was produced during the Admiral the Honorable Sir Joseph same period only .000000000 Vz Darby, K. C. A. D.. L. R. C. P.. grand opera. In one Augenblick he comes on in the first act, y'understand. shows you what Prohibition does for and crosses to door R. verstchsl du works for, recognizing that the poor there you have it, Zapp. If America Nebich is a genius and not a business s going to be drilled and worried the ..... . . . . f a i c man. thinks it is a pity to miss such "ajr iusia uu 1 iau w an opportunity when drawing the con- "-Vint Got Sense Enough to Duck." "Some women it suited. Zapp, aber "the boss publisher refused to accept ax article because THE FELLER SMELT OF CLOVES." not many, like white shoes." Birskv notices ot foreclosure sale, Birsky, and no Navy to speak about? Birsky said, music, Birsky, and it a drinking teller mich, and says to Kirby. Lady Susan tract. On the other hand. Prepareful- if the fellers that are going round mak- "Why, every year for years already is fond of music, as naturally a Shil(f(er- is downstairs in the library. Tell her I ness fellers don't even admit that there ing speeches on Preparefulness could be we spent on our Navy over a hundred cr would be, Birsky, he says to himself: wish to see her at once, y'understand, is such a thing as a genius. Also they persuaded to read aloud a notice of million dollars." 'I am drinking away America's chance even though Kerb)) is only a footman, wouldn't recognize that there is even sale instead, Birsky, it would be better "I give you right, Birsky," Zapp f becoming an artistic nation, and he Zapp, he talks right up to him and talent in the world. In fact, Zapp, their would of made for the country. For instance, you said. quits right then and there." says: 'Have you got your January idee of Preparefulness is that smart Turkish bath seem like a cold storage take this here General of the New "Then what does he want to scare "Well, I'll tell you," Birsky said, card?' and if the Admiral the JJon- business men, street sweepers, archi- warehouse, understand me, that the one commented. "Did I say something from white ehoes?" Zapp asked, and Birsky was obliged to admit that he had not. "Then what the devil you are talk ing nonsense?" Zapp continued. "I was saying that mil Preparefulness before the European trouble, and if Prohibition means cutting off beer and light wine like whisky and rum, then Unpreparefulness and drunkenness ain't so bad, neither. Am I right or wrong, Zapp?" "You are and you ain't." Zapp said. "Maybe the Lcute over here is a Disschen too peaceable. Maybe they need it Preparefulness the same like you've got to jack 'em up mit Pro hibition. Blue Laws and Anti-trust Laws. People overdoes things nowa days. Former limes a feller would take once in a while a glass Schnapcs. y'understand. and gradually poison his kidneys like a gentleman, Birsky, aber' nowadays he wants to get Charoses of the liver in from three weeks to a month, and would, too, if it wasn't for prohibition laws. It's the same way with doing business on Sunday. In Paris, where they allow Sunday open ing, only the businesses is open on Sun day which is necessary for the people who work six days in the week that on the seventh they should enjoy busi nesses like restaurants, theaters and cafes, y'understand, aber in this coun try if we allowed that sort of thing. Birsky. the International Pressing Iron Company would claim: Whereas their operators had worked hard six days casting pressing irons in a factory which the hot room of a them people which is trying to get it Yrk National Guard, which he makes us like that for?" Birsky asked. "Japan "the times is past when it was con- arable Sir has left it behind him in the tects, lawyers, longshoremen, doctors, thing necessary for them operators to has already overdone it. They started a sPeecn tnat preparefulness means ain t going to take no chances against sidered that a musician, a picture dressing-room, Z.app, either he would poets and truck drivers is all soldiers out to show to the Lcute of the United comPeIhng everybody to go for a sol- a $100,000,000 a year Navy." painter or a Schrif Uleller must got to got to go back there and get it or tell and should shoot and be shot down as States what PreDarefulness reallv 'er and Set drilled so hard that he "You got ahold of the wrdhg be a drinker, Zapp. Things is getting Lady Susan himself that he wants to such. According to them Prepareful- means. Birsky, and they ended up by Practical'y 'oses nls min and ain't got scare, Birsky," Zapp said. "The scare now to be on an efficiency basis all see her, because if Kirby tells her, he's ness fellers. the idealest condition a showing that it means that 120,000 business men loses a whole day by walking up Broadway and Fifth ave nue, and concerns which expects goods by express didn't receive them because the express wagons was held up on prevent "em from spending a miserable Sunday with nothing on their hands but time, y'understand, was to allow them to cast pressing irons in a 220-degree factory. "Also, Birsky, if there was no anti trust laws, y'understand, the entire busi- sense enough to duck when he sees a the feller throws into me by his speech around. A magazine oder a publisher apt to get fined $10 by the union and country could be in is that everybody cannon ball coming his way, y'under- is that if we get Preparefulness, Birsky, would no more consider a story from lose his card for the rest of the month, should be strong enough to get shot. stand, and it instead he would have our Navy is going to cost a billion a writer which drinks than the Penn- I hat s what it s come to among acton, but as that could never be they are ness cf this country would be in one said: 'My friends: Pursuant to judg- dollars a vear instead of a hundred svlvania Railroad would let work for Zapp. and I don't care if a feller would willing to save up for use fellers with combination, and the only people which ment entered May 10th, 1916, the million. In fact, Birsky, all them Pre- them a Shikkerer as an engineer, Zapp. be playing Hamlet even, he wouldn't kidney, heart and stomach trouble, knew the combination of the combina- undersigned will sell at public auction parefulness fellers is the same in their and the publisher is right, too. The U. be allowed to kill the King in the last cripples. lunatics and the deaf, dumb t'n would be George D. Rockafellar. 1 f .1 1 . 1 1 . 1 I ! 1 Kl-im I an4 I I - lYl -. the other side of Fifth avenue from and so ro1, et cetera some or nis speeches. I hey overdo it. Lvery one M. W. ot A. had the whole matter act unless him and the King could and blind. ....m j. 9 A. M. to 6 P. M. Preparefulness aud'ence might still have thought that of 'em tells you that war is horrible, out mit a boss publisher only last week, show Horatio and Laertes and all of "I think, Birsky, you are pretty hard 83"y jj p also means that if you pick up a paper PreParefumess was a pretty good thing, but that it ain't one, two, six mit Pre- where the boss publisher refused to them fellers either a button or a card on them Preparefulness fellers," Zapp ujness C Prohibition oTrusU Zapp to see what is going on in the world. Also, Birsky, there is certain Prepare- parefulness."' accept an article which he ordered from for the current month." said. Birsky' asked, "what would you arid y'understand, you couldn't tell the fulness fellers making speeches and "Maybe Preparefulness is the same a union journeyman-writer on 'The "Aber unions is for workmen, not "I judge "em according to the Bryan and Wilson and Roosevelt make news section from the advertising sec- says that, not mentioning no names nor as all them other things which is good Cocktail in Song Story because the for geniuses." Zapp declared. speeches they make," Birsky replied, speeches about?" X zmm ' . t-. & .h!:t x ' ,1 R if H i 1 IV ti t ' II - ' i L H Kill ! . ' R mm ,:u .... ui w . . 11 ir 11 "i 1 1 1 1 1 .mi k j 1 .11 1 v j r 1 . UJUIi 1 raw
