TUT! SUNDAY OREGOMAX. PORTLAXD- 3IAT 14, 1916.
ON THE TRAIL OF THE BANDIT VILLA WITH
i
GENERALS ZAPP AND BIRSKY
BY MONTAGUE GLASS.
ILLUSTRATIONS BY BRIGG3.
"Believe It" Says Birsky n "the Feller Aint No Deader as Mr. Roosevelt" Something About This Here Carranza
(Copyright. 1916, The Tribune Xss'n.)
yTS a funny thing about Vilna
dUU U1C V1UWU X ui vjci-
many," Barnett Zapp, the
waist manufacturer, said. 1 hey don t
get no sympathy when they die. Take
feller which if he hears of the death
of a comparative stranger 85 years old,
carries on so that you'd think that he
was a relation not mentioned in the will.
y'understand. and tell such a feller that
Vilna is cut off in his prime with blood
poisoning, understand me, and he re
ceives the news like he would be man
aging the death-claim department of an
industrial life insurance company."
"Well, what do you want President
Wilson to do?" Louis Birsky, the real
estater, asked. "Write letters of condo
lence to the fellers widders and con
sent to act as honorary pallbearer?"
Zapp shrugged his shoulders.
"For my part, he could celebrate it
with a supper at Luchow," he said.
"All I ask is that he should believe it."
"Believe it I" Birsky exclaimed.
Why, that feller ain't no deader as
Mr. Roosevelt."
"Suppose he ain't?" Zapp replied.
"Nobody claims the feller is stone dead
exactly, but for the purpose jof getting
our soldiers back from Mexico, Birsky,
I am content if he is just so-to-speak
constructively dead non pro irunk as
of January 1st, 1950."
"What do you mean get our sol
diers out of Mexico?" Birsky cried-
"Why. we would be laughing stocks
from the whole world if we left Mexico
without capturing Vilna."
"Listen. Birsky," Zapp said. "You
and me are business men, ain't it? So
what is the use talking nonsense cap
ture Vilna? With the experience that
feller has got mil aliases and alibis the
chances is that right now he is running
a Cuban hand-made cigar store some
wheres around the corner from Thirty-
fourth street and Broadway and laugh
ing himself sick over the way the New
York newspapers spells the names of
the Mexican towns where them poor
soldiers rebich think he is hiding."
"Well, it's anyhow a whole lot
more interesting to read that on Satur
day, April (deleted) General Pershing
has reached a point nearly (deleted)
miles beyond Namiquiquiquipa, as that
in the position between Hill 688 and
Hill 892 3 B in the Camembert sector
determined attempts was made to pierce
the enemies lines," Birsky retorted.
"Did I say it wasn't?" Zapp con
tinued. "As a matter of fact, Birsky,
I have always claimed that what the
Germans and the French should ought
to do is to hire a parlor car namer from
the Pullman Company and put him to
work on them numbered hills near Ver
dun. To my mind, Birsky, the reason
why the Germans ain't made more
progress there is because when the Birsky." Zapp said. "You see. Birsky, made such a good record in Mexico biizen, and if he lets their remark he might just to well have tchnecked the waiter yourself, as we couldn't tit
Crown Prince calls up from long dis- the Germans ain't trying to capture and things is so settled down over there rattle him, y'understand. he's got no it to 'em from the start, and I bet yex here all afternoon on a cup of coffee
tance and tells Falkenhayn he should Verdun, because they claim that this that it wouldn't be necessary to keep business to sit in at all. President Wil- he would act the same way again in apiece.
attack Hill No. 729, you couldn't Verdun Ceschichte has got to stop, and our soldiers there any longer. son is like a whole lot of fellers. He Mexico."
blame the feller if with all the guns if the person whose business it is to "You may know what you are talk- starts in with good cards and instead "At that I think Mr. Wilson is try
shooting off around him he makes if capture Verdun couldn't or wouldn't Lng about, Zapp." Birsky admitted, of playing them like a Aensci, y'un- ing to do the right thing in Mexico."
725; and when he in his turn .teli- do so. y'understand,' that they, Ger- "but this sounds like Kabala to me." derstand, he considers first should he Zapp interrupted.
phones to an assistant general who is many would and just watch their "I am only telling you what my come trump, y'understand. and he's got "Sure. I know," Birsky agreed, "but
idee of the matter is," Zapp explained, his thumb and finger on the ace of the trouble with Mr. A ilson is he is so I see in the papers that every few days
"Well, what is Elkan M, Carran- trump, when he thinks why should he busy remembering to play the game ac- Mr. Wilson goes from Washington to
za's idee of the matter?" 'Birsky in- give his hand away like that. He then cording to Hoyle that he don't notice Philadelphia and consults an oculist.
quired.
"He don't know whether he should
"Aber tell me one thing. Birsky
said. "If all this is the case, why did
Mr. Wilson recognize F.cn M, Cax
ranza as the President?
"I don't know," Zapp replied, ""but
sitting in a bomb-proof shelter, which smoke.
he knows is bomb-proof only if a bomb "Does anyone claim that about cap-
don't hit it, y'understand. it ain't sur- hiring Vilna?" Birsky asked,
prising that the assistant general should "Well," Zapp replied, "as I under-
understand Falkenhayn to say .Hill stand the matter, our soldiers are only
775. The consequences is when the in Mexico because the Mexican gov-
assistant general orders the Kaiser's ernment ain't able to capture Vilna."
Own Brandenburg Artillery to fire "What do you mean, the
" -" IPS '
XD UtX'GHIXO .HIMSIiLJj' SICK."
ought to feel complimented or insult
ed," Zapp continued. "On Mondays,
Mexican Wednesdays and Fridays he wired
President Wilson he should please call
off his soldiers or would positively take
such steps as he thinks proper to pro
tect his and Mexico's interests in the
matter, and on Tuesdays, Thursdays
and Saturdays he writes we should keep
up the good work and hopes this letter
finds Mr. Wilson well as it leaves him
and oblige."
"Seemingly the feller don't know his
own mind at all," Birsky commented.
"It ain't that exactly." Zapp said.
"He's in a way up against the same
proposition like Mr. Wilson: he
couldn't rely on the backing of his own
party at all. . For instance, if he makes
a speech in which he says that if Amer
ica keeps the 5000 American soldiers
in Mexico there is 100.000 Mexicans
stands ready to die for their country,
and it wouldn't make no difference if
there was 6500 American soldiers, the
100.000 Mexicans stands ready any
how, y'understand, then the next day
General Diego Aogorman says the
Americans is the best friends Mexico
has got and that come one, come all.
every loyal Mexican should give 'era
a good, old-fashioned Mexican wel
come. On the other hand, if Carranza
makes a speech in which he says that,
speaking for the Mexican people, he
extends the long arm of co-fellowship
to the President of the United States,
. , .. ,,1-k-t W 11.1. 1
gets an idee it would be a good thing to it when Germany and Mexico deals irsxy, so l conclude that since he
lead a small diamond, and he's just themselves aces from the bottom of the recognized Carranza he has found out
about to play it when he remembers deck. If you're a President oder a that there's something the matter with
that he read somewhere in Hoyle King. Zapp, the thing to do is to see his eyesight, and that maybe Carranza
where Hoyle says you should never that the other feller plays according to ain't the man he took him to be at all.
out a teller with whiskers and spec
tacles by the same name. However,
Birsky, for the present we are giving
Carranza the benefit of the doubt, and
if he continues to act as such we may
go on recognizing him as provisional
President."
"WTiat do you mean provisional
President?" Birsky asked.
"A provisional President." Zapp ex
plained, "is a President that gets his
job through a revolution. He acts as
President until an election is held, pro
vided he lives that long. There's a
whole lot of honor attached to it in
Mexico. Every time a provisional
President starts to go out of his house,
Birsky, he receives a salute of twenty
one guns sometimes fifty-one guns, de
pending on the number of people lay
ing for him. so you can imagine what
the front of a provisional President's
house looks like. Birsky. If they don't
get him with the first salute, it must
cost him a fortune for window glass
alone.
Then if you wou!4 ask me as a real
er. Zapp."
"IIE RECEIVED SALUTE OF 21 CUJfS,"
lead a small diamond when you've got the rules, whether you yourself stick to
a big club in your hand. So he skins them or not."
hand again, and Mr. Roose- "I don't know where you read that. rf nrl inmranr, Kml-
over his
. iu.uv.., uupj, w inu b icoiutu, eirsity said, i snouid say that a pro
yells: 'NuJ A card oder a sluck hole? or a King who tried to do business on visional President was. taking it all in
This makes Victor Ridder sore. He is that basis couldn't expect to get a bet- all, an extra hazardous occupation."
kibbitzing behind Von Bernstorff, and ter rating as M. to P. third credit. But "He ain't a sprinkled risk exactly,"
he says: 'Let the poor Ncbich play his what is the use of talking so poetical. Zapp agreed.
own game, can't you? And Mr. Wil- Birsky? When you are dealing with a "Then what does he want the job
son ECts SO rattled bv this that he droDS Drorjosition like Mexico, mips don't fiu- V rj- .U.. -.1 I
understand. General Geofredo Mac- face on t . . . diamonds ure at all. As a rule. Birskv. Presi- "M.ll 7 :j .,. u:
$181,322 worth of shells at Hill 775. government?" Birsky demanded. "Do lemorez says: 'YolP. he speaks for the which Von Bernstorff thought was lay- dents are elected for a term of years, money in' it if he can get it deposited
and a couple of weeks later he is court- you call it a government that they got Mexican people! If he would speak wg in Lansing's hand all the time, and cfcer in Mexico they go out of office at outside the country "
martialed for practically wiping out the it over in Mexico?" ' what the Mexican people thinks about Lansing, who is a pretty good-natured unequal intervals, feet first, and look- "I should think he would consider
Kaiser's Own Lippe-Detmold Infantry. ' dont." Zapp said, "but President President Wilson it would make what feHcr at gets ajSQ $ort He throws ing very natural ;f builets happen his health before money " Birsky said,
which has been holding Hill 775 ever. Wilson does. He claims that because the German-American Truth Society h;s hand jown anJ says. -mat u t .em necL a Maybe hc does z sai(J but
since February, understand, it don't, this here Elkan M. Carranza has made thinks sound like engrossed resolutions Tiddledy winks oder cards? Urn Birsky. generals in an army used you take one of' these provisional
do him no good to say that he thought such an impression on the Mexican peo- bound in watered silk-lined Morocco Colles Wilson, spiell' And to was colonels, and before that majors. Presidents Birsky and as a general
it was very funny at the time, but or- ple and things are so orderly over there father with President Wilson's name Wilson says: 'Say! If you've got to and before that captains, aber in Mex- thing he's' a good family man and be
ders is orders. And yet. Birsky. if in- that we would formally recognize him stamped on it in gold letters." a b!l-m oder gomelhing, don't lel ico most cf generals d to wa lievel' m ieaving h;s wive$ and families
stead of numbers 729. 725 and 775. a head of the Mexican government, "Then, after all. you couldn't blame me detain you. Then he considers five horse thieves, and before that sneak well provided for."
theywould of got the parlor car namer and that as Elkan M. Carranza don't the feller," Birsky said, "nor President minutes more, and ends up by leading thieves, and before that nobody knows "So a provisional President is like
to call them hills 'Elkwood. 'Danora seem to got a nickel's worth of influ- Wilson neither. No doubt if they was a $mall trump, and from that time on what they was. As a rule, Birsky. a that, is he?" Birsky said,
and 'Winghurst, we would say. for ence over the Mexican people and allowed to play their own hands with- Von Bernstorff walks away with em." dollar is worth a hundred cents or ten ; "I don't say they all are." Zapp de
example, such a mistake would never of things so mixed up and at sixes and out remarks from the Kibbitzers they 'Well. Mr. Wilson done the same dimes, aber in Mexico the currency is dared, "but when you recognize a pro
happened at all." sevens over there in Mexico, we must would of done pretty good." thing before with Mexico." Birsky said, so rotten that if you owe a feller a dol- visional President, it don't do no harm
"If that's the best excuse the Ger- got to send our soldiers to capture Vil- "Well. I'll tell yer." Zapp said. "That time there at Vera Cruz, you lar and pay him a dollar, he practically to have bad eyesight. Birskv becaus
mans could give for not capturing Ver- na, and that after our soldiers has cap- "Politics is a very similar game like would think the way he rushes in with got a new claim against you for a dol- in that case, what you don't like about
dun." Birsky commented, "they've got hired Vilna they would return to the playing pinochle oder skat in ,a coffee battleships and soldiers that he had a lar and a quarter. And if you want to him. Birsky. you could wink at."
nothing on us for not capturing Vilna." United States' and leave Mixico to it- house. A feller who plays such a game two-color hand, when as a matter of hear any more rules that don't apply to
"The cases ain't exactly anonymous, self because Elkan M. Carranza has must got to expect there would be Kib- fact, he played his cards so rotten that Mexico, Birsky. you would got to call 0f crds1'1- onlooker at
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