Image provided by: University of Oregon Libraries; Eugene, OR
About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Oct. 24, 1915)
TITE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND, OCTOBER 24, 1915. 6ft? JfSlISfi Bresenied 'hy' i gr-ijy . '- cop GEORGE RANDOLPH CHESTER Author of "Get-Illch-Hck-WallinKford" DRAMATIZED BY CHARLES W. GODDARD Builder of the World's Greatest Serials IATRODUCIXO BURR McINTOSH J. Rufus Wallingford MAX FIGMAN Blackie Daw LOLITA ROBERTSON Violet (Copyright by The Star Co.) A RHEUMATIC JOINT TWO Ions rows of heads floated upon a canal of blue ooze. Be tween the rows ran a wide plank walk, and nailed to the edge of thin. In front of each head, was a waist high pole bearing a pasteboard tablet, upon which were ruled lines and fig ures and writing. A weird light slanted down from the blue glass, of which the low roof and south wall were composed. A bell rang. Every head turned with a sudden expression of blue-tinted hatred toward a door at the upper end of the plank walk. The door opened, and through It came a. pompous fat German, whose hair and mustache and beard and stomach all projected so violently forward that, to support them, he was compelled to walk sway-backed and spraddle-legged. The bald head with the funny purple nose upon its factf, down near the cen ter of the upper row, turned its watery eyes to the jovial head which was its neighbor. 'Zwick!" it said in mournful explana tion. "And so that's the main assassin." returned the Jovial one, whose big. pink face was the only smiling coutenance In the assemblage. "Dr. Zwick,' repeated the baldhead. till mournfully. "I can't make up my mind whether he's a colored supplement or a comic valentine?" chuckled the big one, "but whichever he is, he's the peerless lead er In his class, take it from me." Dr. Zwick gased down Bternly upon his prey, like a Sparta schoolmaster who has made up his midd to thrash the entire class to be sure of punish ing one culprit. "There has been entir-r-rely too much taking it like a choke, this Zwick Tr-T-eatment of R-r-heumatism." he rolled in a throaty bawl of authority. "It iss no chokke! Beghkinning f-r-r-rom to-night, there will be no sitting upon porches, no-r vlssiting in r-r-r-rooms, after-r nine o'clock. Her-r-r-mann, the temper-r-ratures!" The first ' six comprised a banker, a lawyer, a senator, a broker, a rail way president, and even a doctor, yet none of them resented the indignity of method except his glaring eyes. Dr. Zwick cleared his throat. "Number-r one-o-f ive-three." he charged sternly, "you were yesterday In the villagche and ate some r-r-rred meadt! Now for one week you haff no meadt at all. Honus, three ounces!" The face of the banker festooned it self into a dozen hiJeous grimaces as the deadly dose approached him. The tears streamed from his eyes as he fin ished the torture, and he spluttered and coughed and wheezed. "Water!" he gasped, in the shrill falsetto of acute strangulation. Dr. Zwick, already puffing with in dignation over the sins of the next head, turned upon the banker a piti less eye. "Iss no water!" he thundered, and left the banker to choke. "Why does he stand for that?" In Quired the newcomer. "Because." rasped Cornelius Rocke well. "sometimes this cures." "Thaok you," returned the pink faced patient. "You've handed me -the right tip." So remarking, he climbed up his mud-concealed stepladder and stood on the plank walk, a pink-headed statue of Obesity in dripping blue bronze. He had met Cornelius Rocke well in the intimacy of the mud bath, and further acquaintance would be easy. "I suppose there's about seventy bil lion dollars out there pounding little rubber balls over the billowy green, ' observed Wallingford musingly, indi cating ihe crowded golf links, where age and decrepitude solemnly and vainly sought to renew youth and vigor. "I wonder if only rich men get rheumatism?" and h scowled thought fully at Cornelius Rockewelt. who had proved to be calm outside the bath. "I have it." argued the bald-headed and blue-nosed man, who. seen in the afternoon sun on the porch of the sani tarium, proved to be the only seedy looking individual in the place. His near-sighted eyes were now protected by thick, steel-rimmed spectacles, and the awkward stoop in his shoulders explained why he had kept his chin In the mud. Altogether he was so frayed and threadbare a man. both as to per sonality and clothing, that Walling ford, an opportunist who made his own opportunities. would scarcely have wasted i.ny time on him except that he was baffled as to how to approach old Rockewell. "Well, we can't all be handsome." consoled J. Rufus. glancing down at the cracked and dingy little handbag which represented the whole of the bald-headed man's traveling necessi ties. The bald head was going away on the rickety stage, having completed the lure. "No, nor rich," replied the blue-nosed one, mournfully; "nor even lucky like Dr. Zwick. Now here Is me, with the rreatest medical discovery of the age, compelled to stop my experiments and rive my last cent to old Zwick, be cause I couldn't use my hands." Wallingford looked at this man anew. "Rheumatism dope?" he suggested. "The germ of senility," stated the other with quiet pride. "I've segre gated it and I've been thirty years working on the segregation of the ml, crobe which destroys la" 'The germ of senility," repeated Wal lingford thoughtfully. "The bug that causes old age." The bald-headed mar, suddenly awoke. He removed his slouch hat and hitched his chair closer. "The germ that causes old age," he repeated impressively, touching Wal lingford's knee with his knuckles by way of emphasis. "It begins its work in the lower intestine and gradually spreads throughout the entire system, destroying the tissues and sapping vi tality everywhere." Great!" agreed Wallingford with a smile. "If you last long enough to get a patent on your trained microbes, a man with the price will be able to live until he is hanged or shot." "Why, I wouldn't sell it," protested the professor, shocked. 'Snailey's Senility Microbe must be a philantho plc gift to the world." "I don't know but what it Is a better plan." assented Wallingford. He looked out at Rockwell, playing clock golf industriously, with the hope that it would -make him live longer, and speaking to no one. The best way to reach Cornelius was from the out side! "I'm going with you, Snailey!" "Which is the laboratory, and which is the Kitchen sink?" demanded Wal lingford, looking around the Ill-favored quarters of Professor Snailey with a cat-like shudder of discomfort. There was no answer from Snailey. From the moment of his entrance ha had spent all his time over the rows upon rows of sealed test tubes which occupied a low bench in front of the one window, and he had examined each one with the aid of a huge hand lens. Now he gave a sudden --exclamation of delight. "Look!" he cried to Wallingord, hold ing up one of the test-tubes. "The fin est germs I ever saw! : Beautiful! Per fectly beautiful!" "I believe you're right," agreed Wal lingford, surveying it at a respectful distance. "It's a full two shades dirtier than the rest of them." "Wait." urged the professor. "I'll show you something that will do your eyes good." Placing a tiny drop of liquid from the test-tube upon a thin glass slide, he covered It with another, clamped the two together, and set it upon a rack, while he reverently took from its velvet-lined case a speckless, high-power microscope. Its brasswork shining like sunlight. On the stage of this he placed bis prepared slides and focused for a breathless five min utes. "Now look!" he cried to Wallingford triumphantly. "I expected to see a bug," Walling ford presently announced in disap pointment. "A germ is not a bug," chided Snai ley with a sudden return of his mourn fulness. "But look again, and remem ber what you see, for now comes the wonderful part of the exhibit." He was already preparing another slide, placing between the two glasses a drop taken from a Jar containing a thick, bluish-white substance. Wal lingford did as he was told and ob served a number of small oval discs formed of concentric black and white rings, and each bearing a delicate fringe around the edge, like infini tesimal cogs. TheBe discs were slowly revolving about each other where their fringes touched. Now and then one, released from its neighbor, made a sudden dart across the vast space of its sixty-fourth of an inch world, and joined another group, to begin again its slow revolutions. One of these was particularly active, and Wallingford, beginning to be highly interested, named it Joe upon the spot. "There's nothing to it. Professor," he declared, turning from the miscroscope with a sigh of relieved tension, "little Joe in here Is a bug, and a bad bug at that, no matter what you say. And are these the boys that make in take to hair-tonic and store teeth?" "Let's cut out the prelims and have the main bout," suggested Wallingford. "I want to put a bet down on little Joe." The bewildered Snailey looked at him solemnly, and put the new compound slide upon the' stage where the previ ous ones had been. Wallingford had his eye to the microscope before Snailey was through with his manipulation, and a grin" of delight spread itself upon his face. The little fringed discs flew as if by magnetic attraction to the edges of the white ones, and whirled rapidly about them until they were drawn into the vortex, when they suddenly lost their color and motion and were blotted out entirely. "Well, I win," declared Wallingford triumphantly. "Little Joe is weak and wobbly, but he's still in the ring. But say! Professor, It was a, grand little flpht. and I'll make it worth more money to each of us than you could stack in a railroad ferry." "No, no!" protested Snailey. "This is to be a philanthropy, I tell you." "Sure, it' a to be a philanthropic.'. agreed Wallingford. ,' "Let's you and I go right out and incorporate." Wallingford rushed out into the hall of his rented brownstone front, to greet his three callers. "Tell It to us quick, Jim," ordered Blackie. "The only thing that we could make out of your telegram was that you were crazy." "I am," chuckled Wallingford. his broad shoulders heaving and his eyes half-closing. "Crazy with enthusiasm. Our antique friend, Rockewell," he explained, as he led the way back through the richly decorated hall, "is so cautious that he hides his money from himself; and the only way we'ean make Cornelius restitute is with a twenty-six-mile gun. This is it," and he threw open the door of the study. "Oh!" a little shriek from Violet, as she stepped back into the arms of her sister. She had been confronted, on entering the study, by a human skele ton, dangling in the corner, its jaws distended with a frightfully developed sense of humor. "Come right on in and get acquainted. girls," invited Wallingford carelessly, placing chairs for the ladies. "I've gone in for science, on this Rockewell case, and we're staging the greatest discovery of the age. I have a bald headed oM onion upstairs mixing some dope to keep men young." "Now listen, Blackie. Here's who you are," and from a drawer In the table Wallingford produced a very much soiled oilskin packet, from within which he took a clean, folded parch ment, illumined with an. extremely gaudy collection of ribbons and seals. Opening this document, which was printed in Latin and three colors, to say nothing of gold initials, he spread it before Blackie and the girls. "This is a diploma of bacteriology from the Universitie von Schliesholtz-Strumstadt. I bought It for fifteen dollars from a poor devil who couldn't make a living with it in this country, and is now pressing trousers and dipping clothes in cheap gasoline . at a dollar and a half a throw. Your name as yo" 'U see by the lithograph there, is August Schop penschmittenmeister von Universitie von Schliesholtz-Strumstadt." "You see, this Snailey is such a dummy," began Wallingford. "He's too real. So you have to be the display scientist, demonstrator, and chief of the medical staff at the Snailey Sani tarium for the Promotion of the Cure of Senility." "I'm relieved to find It's such a cinch," declared Blackie. "I was afraid you might want me to undertake Borne difficult stunt or other. This diploma thing makes it easy. But who am I to talk with newspaper men or scien tific sharps?" "Both." replied Wallingford. "What language do I speak?" "Schmierkaae English," replied Wal lingford, "and as little of that as possi ble. For your native tongue, you may jabber a little Kartoffelkloesburg." "Sure," agreed Blackie. "What Is it?" "I "don't know myself," confessed Wallingford; "but I do know this much: that in Germany dialects areso thick and so different that a Meckleaburger and a Dusseldorfer have to make signs if they try to talk together, and they do say that Mecklenburgers can't un derstand each other. So if you take a dialect that, nobody ever beard about, you can get away with It." "Do you suppose bog Latin would do?" Inquired Blackie earnestly. "I know three of four hog Latin dialects we used to use when I was a kid. Dothe good youthego knowthego, thithegis wothegun?" "Say it again!" cried Violet In de light. "Great Scott!" exclaimed Wallingford. "Do you remember that Kibberiah? By George, it's been a thousand years since I heard it or thought of it. Here's your laboratory, Blackie." Blackie "surveyed his new place of business with becoming gravity. "Where's the push-button?" he de manded. "There's one thing I forgot a pair of old green carpet slippers em broidered with pink roses." He ap proached the elaborate array of scien tific apparatus with a careless band, which Wallingford stayed. "You're a precocious brat." he warned, "but there are some things you don't know. You're liable to connect the guzoozicus with the slambank, and knock the dickens out of the pizazabo." "Well, we'll get another one then," consoled Blackie. "I rigged up this place for Snailey, but he couldn't stand r-osperity. So I had to move his old outfit up in the attic, and cart up a load of cobwebs. Now he's happy. Come up and look him over." In the attic they found Snailey. Wallingford gravely introduced the girls, then Blackie. "Professor Snailey. shake hands with Herr Doktor August Schoppenschmlt tenmeister, of the Universitie of Schllesholtz-Sturmstadt, the eminent bacteriologist of whom I toM you." Snailey jumped up, sniffed two pinches of paprika, and . actually sneezed In his excitement, before he grasped Blackie fervently by the hand. "Delighted to meet you, I am sure. You are Just in time, Doctor Doctor Doctor " and Snailey looked helpless ly at Wallingford. "Just Doctor," easily prompted the master of ceremonies. ' "You are just in time. Doctor, to take part in a microcosmlcal step, which, though apparently trifling, will, I am sure, result In vast ultimate advance ment toward securing the hardy ger mination which Is essential to the elim ination of certain Intro-germinal dif ficulties which you will readily com prehend." Wallingford shivered, but Blackie never batted an eyelash. An hour later, dripping but trium phant. Blackeie rejoined Wallingford and the girls in the library. "Well, can you do it?" asked Wal lingford, anxiously. "With my hands tied behind me," re sponded Blackie confidently. "But say, old man, get me a map of Germany and a mouthful of mush. I want to practice that dialect. My tongue's so dry with it. right now. that you could strike a match on It. J. Rufus, I'm perfectly willing to play in on this game, and I love it; but I wish you'd tell me why this Snailey onion can't be trusted to do his own trick?" "Because a newspaper reporter would corner him in four minutes," replied Wallingford. In deep disgust. "What are we to do?" asked Fannie, turning her brown eyes eagerly to Wal lingford. "Plenty," Wallingford, chuckling, looked from one to the other of the sisters. "Have either of you girls a trusty, elderly female relative who looks like either of yo"" "Aunt Patty!" The girls jumped up and clapped their hands. '"She'd look like Violet's twin if she were younrer," explained Fannie. The newsepapers "ate it up," to use Fannie Daw's expressive way of put ting the matter. At Wallingford's call they flocked to his place of business, where Jackson's whiskers and abso lutely humorless face inspired confi dence to begin with. They were ush ered In upon Wallingford. and Billy the Yegg, where the genial J. Rufus, while compelling respect by his breadth of waistcoat and richness of cravat, at the earns, time removed any possible chill by his own Irresistible smile and hand shake of good-fellowship. They drank Wallingford' s wines and liquors with avidity and smoked his fine cigars and Imported cigarettes with eagerness. When he had them well soothed, he led them upstairs in droves, and In the very first crowd were such stars as JImson, of the Orb. and Hazard, of the Sphere. ' "Fake, I guess," pronounced Hazard carelessly. "Too much scenery to be anything else. What do yau think of it?" "Fake. I guess, agreed Jimson. "Going to use the story?" "Am I going to call for my envelope on Saturday?" demanded Jimson in dignantly. "I should say I will use the story; and they'll use it at the of fice, not less than three columns of it; and if the Orb don't top it with a double-page Sunday feature 111 quit the sheet. I won't work on a dead one-" They suddenly stopped talking as they reached the head of the stairs, for Wallingford had paused before the door of the front apartment, and held up a plumb, warning hand. "Gentlemen," said he, "I am about to show you the secret of life. Before admitting you to this room, however, I must warn you that this laboratory is full of dangerous chemicals and still more dangerous germs, and I must ask you to kindly refrain from handling any of the articles in the laboratory, this, as a matter of safety to yourself and to myself and Doctor Schoppen schmittenmeister." "Gentlemen, Doctor Schoppenschmit tenmelster," Introduced Wallingford with a flourish, and then he suddenly stopped as he caught sight of Blackie, and choked and turned red In the face, and longed for a handkerchief to stuff in his mouth; for Blackie. whom he had not seen in costume, had- somewhere secured inch-and-a-half lifters to put on his shoes, making himself an inch and a half taller and making his trous ers an inch and a half too short; he had doffed his customary Prince Al bert coat, which had made of his slender figure rather a thing of grace, and In its stead, wore a long, skin tight gray sweater which came down to his hips; over this he had a short monkey-jacket, which hit him at about the waist, and left not less than six inches of wrist revealed; upon his head he wore the black silk skull-cap, upon his eyes the big wooden-rimmed spec tacles, and slowly uncoiling his tre mendous gaunt length from his low chair at the laboratory bench, he re moved his four-foot porcelain pipe from his mouth with a wave, and. his feet clisa together, bowed extravagant ly low. "Chendelmeriss," he said, "I am bleased by meeting mid you." One of the younger reporters gig gled; some others smiled, but all of them took the Herr Doktor most seri ously. Jimson and Hazard, suddenly growing distrustful of each other, dropped apart. Somehow or other, the very extravagance of Blackie's makeup was convincing. "Chendelmenss, be bleased to be seaded yed." he invited with another wave of his pipe; and this was the height of his audacity, for while there were nearly a score of visitors in the room there were only two chairs be sides his own: yet Wallingford, earn estly desiring to shake Blackie until, his teeth chattered, was the only one who observed the discrepancy. Had any of the others noticed the circumstance it would have been for gotten immediately, for In the next instant there was a terrific explosion upon a chemical worktable in one cor ner of to room, followed by. bower of thin glassware and a wreath of beautiful green smoke which puffed to the ceiling and gently unrolled. Blackie merely turned quietly In that direction. "Aw-w-w " he observed In a di minishing tone of mild regret. "Id Iss alwayss habbening." Following this, Wallingford led them up another flight of stairs. Hazard and Jimson found themselves once more thrown together as they followed to the attic. "This, gntlemen." said Wallingford In a hushed tone at the door of the attic, "is the laboratory of Professor Julius Alexander Snailey, the discov erer of the wonderful cure for old age. For thirty years he has worked, for the benefit of humanity, with no thought of reward." He threw open the door, then quick ly closed it again. A less adroit stu dent of human nature than Walling ford might, at that juncture have explained that the professor was en gaged in an. operation too Important to allow of interruption; instead, J. Rufus turned to them with a grin posi tively irradiating his big pink face: then he closed his eyes and chuckled, his big shoulders shaking and his broad chest heaving. The entire throng of professional cynics smiled with him out of sheer sympathy; some of them chuckled with him; all of them liked him. "I told you," said he, "that the pro fessor was doubtless engaged in some delicate experiment. Look for your selves, but be quiet about it." Once more he threw open the door. Those nearest it started in, stopped, and tiptoed back out, snickering. The professor, clad only In his undercloth ing and shoes, and with a half-eaten bread-and-cheese sandwich clutched in his hand, was lying upon his cot. snor ing most melodiously. It was a stroke of genius to show them that sight; they all had a good look, and at the same time their practiced eyes took in, and catalogued, and Inventoried all the strange assortment of articles In Snailey's laboratory. Wallingford led them down stairs into the dining-room, where, 'once more showing his knowledge of newspaper men, he had ordered the table to be crowded with all sorts of handy lunch, and with both hollow and plain stemmed wine glasses and small glasses with no stems at all; moreover, there were steins for those who preferred them. When the air of the room was blue enough with smoke, he made them a little speech. The great Snailey cure for old age, he advised them, standing, big and smiling, at the head of his generous table, was never to be exploited for profit. It was the insouciant Hazard who, emboldened by the comfortable good-fellowship of the occasion. Inter rupted the speech at that point. "I'll have to rewrite my introduc tion. Mr. Wallingford." he chimed out. "You looked like a specialist in profits to me." Wallingford Joined the laugh himself, and the laugh was a relief to all of them, for Hazard had voiced the here tofore politely suppressed opinion of the multitude. "You had my number," Wallingford admitted. "I am a highly specialized expert in personal profits, and I expect to be paid for my work here. A rich man. found worthy of being given the treatment, will be soaked until It sprains a tendon In his bank account; a poor man won't pay a cent. ' Now boys, I've handed you the whole game. You know what to say and what not to say, and It's up to you." Good men were to live forever now, it the papers 'were to -be believed, and what the papers had to say had only begun. All through the remainder ot Che week the wonderful boon to hu manity was on the front pages In typ of all sizes and degrees of blackness, and on Sunday they fairly dripped witt the new food for public imagination. Of course, they all had pictures of Wal lingford. Daw and Snailey. and ot th germ of senility. With the second day came the scien tists, sent by the papers, and Walling ford, with no fear, whatever, passes these right over Blackie's head and his own. loosing them directly upon Snailey, knowing quite well that they hated each other so much that what ever one said the other would dispute. Luck favored him there, for the first man to come was Professor Begol, of Plmpunk University, who poohpoohed the entire Idea in a two-column inter view, and as Professor Begol had re cently achieved an International repu tation by promulgating a self-evident fact in a novel manner, naturally every other scientist with a vestige of self respect tore Professor Begol's opinion to splinters. Thus did science support Professor Snailey's discovery and the practical application which Walling ford alleged for it. Newspaper men were permitted to be present at all these Interviews. They were enjoying a quiet drink and smoke with Wallingford, whom they had come to like immensely, when Jere miah D. Crimper was announced. Wallingford drew himself together in pleasant anticipation. "Very glad to talk with you, Mr. Crimper. I'm sure you will excuse the presence of my friends here. I have no secrets from them, whatsoever, and you may talk right ahead." Mr. Crimper took two "chews at his flaccid lips. "What practical arrangements are you making to put this senility cure on the market?" "The plan is very simple, Mr. Crim per. The Society for the Promotion of the Snailey Cure for Senility, a corpor ation not for profit, has been organised with a million dollars capital stock, and its books are now open for sub scriptions." "Then, 'said Mr. Crimper, suddenly releasing his chin from its hiding place, "I think I may offer you a sub scription." Mr. Wallingford was instant gravity; almost instant sternness. "I thank you for the offer, Mr. Crimper," he said politely enough, but still firmly; "but before accepting it I shall be compelled on behalf of Mr. Snailey's great phil anthropy, to inquire Into Mr. Crimper himself and his claims for an elon gated existence." Mr. Crimper now showed signs of hesitation, and glanced once more, in question of. their presence, toward the four highly interested auditors; as they showed no sign's of going, nor Walling ford of dismissing them, be made the best of the situation. "Well," he stated, "I am here as the representative of an other." Wallingford's face instantly hardened. "I'm afraid your principal will have to present his own case," he declared, "the selection of . candidates and sponsors Is a very grave matter, Mr. Crimper." "Exactly," agreed that gentleman with a loose and leathery contortion which might be considered to be a smile. "To my principal there can be no possi ble objections upon any grounds. I handle his philanthropies, and I think I may say without exaggeration that his benefactions are the largest in the world." "You don't mean Cornelius Rocke well y "The same," Mr. Crimper proudly as sured him. "Mr. Rockewell has had the Professor of bacteriology of Rockewell College examine Into the claims of Dr. Snailey." Ml Wallingford arose; he smoothed his waistcoat; he expanded his chest to its fullest possible breadth; his brows thickened, and he glared loftily down at the wondering Crimper. "There la no use in discussing the matter, Mr. Crimper," he said sternly. "Mr. Rockewell must die at the hour his Maker intended. He did not get his , great wealth honestly! Besides, why did he not come here in person?" Mr. Crimper made three more vain attempts to present argument in favor of Cornelius Rockewell; then, with one mighty gulp, he swallowed his chin and went home, while the gentlemen of the press trod upon one another's heels in their frantic haste to get to their respective papers with the tremendous sensation. "Cornelius!" Wallingford, who had spent two days at the window which overlooked the street corner, rushed back into the study. "Everybody to your places!" There was a mad scramble. Violet dashed up to the attic to hide; Fannie, bewitching in a nurse's uniform, slipped out across the side hallway and Into the wing of the house; Onion Jones, looking like an Easter egg, with his totally bald bead and his gaudy butler's uniform, stafked solemnly to the front door, while Wallingford and Blackie headed for the cellar. "Remember now. Onion," admonished Wallingford, pausing for a moment at the door, "You're a dummy." "Don't worry, Jim, he can't miss it," grinned Blackie, as they disappeared through the door. Cornelius Rockewell surveyed the stupid looking butler with impatience, when he was told there was no one home. "When'll they be back?" he rasped, looking at his old-fashioned silver watch. "Ten minutes, sir," responded Onion disinterestedly, gazing out over Cor nelius' shoulder. "Who shall I say called, sir?" "I'll wait," snapped Cornelius, stalk ing In. He looked around him sharply when Onion ushered him into the study which Billy-the-Yegg now occupied In gloomy loacladd fas &Jk