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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 22, 1914)
4 THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORT-LAND, FEBRUARY 33, 1914. " A P di jeeD in u J?v7 y$fe7y fifeedr Jbme fe-mfter 7vdzt SAY! Did you ever sit in the Pull man car and study a few para graphs from the world's most fa mous textbook- human nature? Go after tt the first chance you get you'll learn a lot. For Instance, during: a trip recently on one of Mr. Pullman's sleep-wagons I soon learned that the brisk and breezy crew in the seats around me were commercial travelers, and they were fanning each other with fairy tales about th goods they sold. I learned that the one who looked like a human apple was affectionately known as "Slim," because he's so fat that every time he turns around he meets himself coming back. And it wasn't hard to learn that the tall one with the sandy hair was Nick Dalrymple, who goes after the orders for a hardware house in Columbus and knows everybody in the world bar one family living In Yonkers. Then there was Tod Gilpin, who cuts Ice for a match factory in Newark, and he's the life of a small party. Tod's main hold is to creep into the "reading-room" of a rube hotel after the chores are done of an evening and throw salve at the come-ons. Tod tells them that their town is the brightest spot on the map, and they warm up to him and want to buy him sarsaparilla and root beer. Then when he gets them stuck on themselves he seels them matches. Presldently I learned that the party with the mauve forehead and the ma genta moustache was Mutt Dawson the most reckless spendthrift with his words and the meanest man to the English language I ever listened to. The Dream Builders' Association was In full session when "Wedge Murray caromed over and wedged in with the party. Wedge is a saucy little party, five foot four, with three-foot shoulders. He thinks he strikes 12 on all occasions, but his timepiece is an hour slow. I learned that Wedge sells canned shirtwaists for the Shine Brothers, and if he's ever let into the firm it will be as a brother. Wedge is one of those goose-headed pinks who scratch gravel and start in to make a killing every time they see a pretty girl. Across the aisle sat two pet canaries from Plalnfield, New Jersey. They were members of the Soubrette Sting ing Society, and they were, en route to the West to join the "Bunch of Birds Burlesque Company." Their names were Millie and Tillle, find they wore feather duster hats, and 1id a sister act that contained more bad grammar than an Bast Side pin ochle game. Millie was fully aware that she could back Duso off the map, and Tillle was ready to bet a week's salary that she could make Bernhardt feel like she was out in the storm we had day before yesterday. Tod called them the Roast-Beef Sis ters, Rare and Welldone. In a minute the castors on Wedge's neck began to turn. Nick put the others wise with a wink, so they lit the fire and began to cook It up. Wedge's heart was warming for the birds in the glided cage. 'Nothing into it!" said Slim. "It's a plain case of Appomattox. The war is over and they are yours, Wedge!" Wedge turned a few more volts into his twinkling lamps. "Lower your mainsail, Wedge, and ROMANCE A YOUNG TRENTHAM. pursuing Tom Paine pamphlets, lighted on Ell ser's shop. It was & Summer aft ernoon,' and the cavernous basemeqt ' looked cool, with the dark masses of books piled about. The proprietor smoked a pipe by the door while his daughter Katrlna dusted some rarities in the corner case. "Baine? We got him," said Ellser to Trentham,-and immediately he could be heard wheezing over the pamphlets in the rear room. Trentham caught Katrlna's neigh borly blue eyes. He mentally com pared her among the books to Mar guerite transported to Faust's library, and he was so satisfied with himself for thinking of the comparison that he smiled at her cordially. Katrlna glg Eled and poked her yellow head- into the cupboard, where she could blush as much as she pleased. She was a pretty little girl of 20 years a child in the estimation of the venerable Trentham, who was 25. Trentham strolled in the next day, searching for a copy of Arbuthnot's "Lewis Baboon Turned Honest." The title visibly staggered Katrlna. She was alone in the shop. "I saw It yesterday on that shelf," said Trentham, and they hunted for the tract in company. When her father returned they were still hunting, but old Ellser found "Lewis Baboon" read ily enough. Now. It was part of Philip Trent ham's nature to try to make all breathing creatures fond of him men, women, dogs, horses. He could no more prevent this unconscious effort than he could help being tall and dark and sensitive and clever. His visits to the book store were very frequent that Summer. He explained to Mr. Ell ser that it was a lonely season for him. Often he would appear with black care perched ostentatiously on his shoulder, and then he would puff at Ellser's vil lainous, oily tobacco and read speech lessly for hours behind the furthermost counter. Possibly the following; day he would be overflowing with good spirits, and nosing out funny German poetry for Katrma, which they would set at once to Impromptu music. After one of these occasions Katrlna found a square blue envelope on the floor. It was addressed to Trentham in an unmistakably fashionable and feminine hand, and the monogram on the back was "A. G." Katrlna was ashamed of her unladylike wonder about A. G. Indeed, both of the Ellsers were ex ceptlonally well-bred, and Trentham esteemed them highly. He put them In a story, and it was printed In the Lamplight Monthly. He did not, how ever, show the story to Katrlna. For ih mi r nose of action, ne mq Deen on liged to make her old enough tohava "" I I'l 1 r 1 1 " ill1! fywi drop alongside; you've made the land ing," suggested Nick. . Wedge began to feel his necktie and play patty-cake with the little bald spot on he top of his head. "Stop the hansom and get out; you're' at your corner," said Tod. The Sweet Dreams across the way were giving Wedge the glorious eye roll, and he felt that dinner was ready. "Hang up your hat,. Wedge, and gather the myrtle with Mary!" Slim chipped In. Then Wedge bounced over and began to show Millie and Tillle what a hand some brute he was at close quarters. He sat on the arm of the seat and steamed up. In less than a minute he crowded the information on them that he was a mil lionaire who had escaped from Lob Angeles, California, and he was Just going to put them both in grand opera, when Nick toddled over to him and said: "Next stop Erie! You told me to remind you to send that telegram to your wife In Logansport" Curtain. Of course the fact that Wedge didn't have a wife in Logansport or else where made no difference. He couldn't prove an alibi, so he faded out into the day coach and became as one who isn't. The Roast-Beef Sisters seemed to be all carved up about something or other. While these more or less grin-producing incidents were occurring there a woman's heart, which was a manifest and laughable absurdity. In the Autumn Katrina .met A. G. She knew, somehow, who the slander, I bronze-hatred lady was, even before she heard Trentham presenting her father to Miss Gordon. "And here," continued Terntham, "Is Katrina." "How do you do?" said Miss Gordon warmly. "I have read about you, Ka trina. What a dear old place! Phil, it is quite as characteristic as you wrote me." She smiled at Ellser, who was bow ing with prodigious ancient ceremony. Katrina resented the smile vaguely. Miss Gordon's faintly-perfumed petti coats rustled along the bookcase. "In this cupboard we keep our sp clal treasures," said Trentham, pull ing out a thin volume at random and declaiming from the title page. "For example, 'Dalphantus; or, the Passions of Love. Comical to Read, but Trag ical to Art. Printed for William Cot ton, London, 1604.' Eh, Agnes?" "How, attractive!" she murmured, somewhat mechanically. "Ellser, you may send the 'Dal phantus' to Miss Gordon;" and Trent ham wrote her address In Ellser's ledger. "Now, ifs my turn to give presents," said she. peering at the shelf as if the transaction was a sort of game. "I choose the scarlet binding for you." "Zimmerman on Solitude!" cried Trentham, with a queer chuckle. "Well, if there's anything In omens!" Katrina decided that Miss Gordon did not care for books as Trentham and her father did. Katrlna's cheeks had become rather pallid with the Winter; the Indoor work was sunless and unfit for her. Ellser pinched her chin affectionately. "The, dead mother would not love to see you so white, llebchen," said he. "You go for a while to Aunt Ida by Long Island, yes?" Katrina objected. She changed the subject by asking If Mr. Trentham was poor. "I Judge he Is not rich," replied the bookseller. "Miss Gordon is rich; Why are they not married?" "I will ask her, will I?" he queried, grlnnng. One rainy evening- the young jour nalist called, and Katrlna caught her breath at the glimpse of him. He was bending over a small valise which he was ' tugging into the shop, but she could see his face, and it was haggard and hopeless, like the face of one starving in sight of food. "Hello!" said Trentham. "I've brought you a collection, Mr. Ellser." "So? To sell It?" "I want to give it to you. If you'll r ill ' I ii 'nil was ever present In my own noodle the grim reality that bedtime was ap proaching and I had drawn an upper berth. Say! I'll be one of a party of six to go before Congress and tell all I know about an upper berth. The upper berth in a sleeping car Is the same relation to comfort that a carpet tack is to a bare foot. As a place to tie up a small bundle of sleep a boiler factory has it beat to a whimper. Strong men weep every time the ticket agent says, "Nothing left but an upper," and lovely women have hys terics and begin to make faces at the general public when the colored por ter points up in the air and says, "Madam, your eagle's nest is ready far up the mountain side." While the porter was cooking up my attack of insomnia I went out in the smoking room to drown my sorrow, but I found such a bunch of sorrow killers - out there ahead of me that I had to hold the comb and brush in my lap and sit up on the towel rack while I took a little smoke. Did you ever notice on your travels that peculiar hog on the train who pays two dollars for a berth and al ways displaces eight dollars' worth of space in the smoking car? If he would bite the end of a piece of rope and light up occasionally he wouldn't be so bad, but nix on the smoke for him. He simply sits there with a face like a fish and keeps George Nicotine let me. Just a notion of mine, and the books are mine. too. You see well. I'm going to hide myself some where, and " He broke off, leaning against a pyramid of tattered maga zines. "But you are sick!", protested the dealer. Trentham. snapped his fingers. "Non sense! Never better in my life, honest ly. Now, about my booka" "Why, It Is a great kindness for you to give them. I take them only if I can send you the money they bring. Yes, that is the only way I take them. Mr. Trentham. For it must be you are in a money trouble." The visitor's eyes met Katrlna's for the first time, and he grasped hqr hand. "I am not In the slightest money trouble," he Insisted. "I have a fancy to leave my little library here, that's all." Ellser was obstinate. "Perhaps," began Katrina, timidly. ror and all the real rag burners from en Joying a smoke. If ever a statue is needed of the patriot Buttinski I would suggest a model in the person of the smokeless smoker who always travels in the smoking car. x Two busy gazabes were discussing politics when I squeezed into the smoker on this particular occasion, and I judge they both had lower berths; otherwise their" minds would have been busywith dark and personal fears of the future. "Well," exclaimed the gabby one from Kansas City, "what is politics? Well, what is it?" "Politics," replied Wise Willie from Providence, "politics is where we get It sometimes In the bank, sometimes in the neck!" Everybody present peeled the cover off a loud laugh and the smokeless hog at the window stole four inches extra space so that he could shake more when he giggled. "Well," resumed the inquisitive per son from Kansas. City, "what is a politician; do you know? Eh, well, what is a politician?" "A politician," replied the fat man from Providence, "a politician is the reason we have so much politics." Much applause left the hands of those present, and the smokeless hog turned sideways so that he could make the others more uncomfortable. "Perhaps," insinuated gabby Jim, from Kansas City, "perhaps you know what a statesman Is. eh?" OLD BOOK "if you give my father the name where you are going my father will promise to keep It secret. Perhaps then he will take the books." "Oh, well, there -it Is, If you prom ise. Trentham yielded impulsively. and scrawled an address on a corner of the wrapping paper. Ellser carried "the memorandum to a lamp, scanning it solemnly.' "Do not let him. send me money for the books, Katrina." said Trentham to her. "I shall just have the nuisance of sending it back. Besides, I don't need money. I need what I can't have. "I wish I could help you to what you need," whispered the girl. Trentram swallowed something in his throat. "God bless you!" he groaned "Goodby, Mr. Ellser. I shall always remember you. Goodby!" and, shaking hands with both of them, he stumbled to the steps. Nova Scotia, Ellser spelled from the wrapping paper. "Poor fellow! We "A statesman is a politician in good luck," was the come-back from our fat friend from Providence, and in the enthusiasm which followed the smoke less hog found out there was no buffet car on the train, so he offered to buy the drinks. "Don't you believe that all men are born equal?" inquired the Kansas Cityite. "Yes, but some of them have pull enough to get over It," responded the Providence philosopher; whereupon the smokeless hog by the window took out a flask and began to dampen his con science. Just then the towel rack fell with a crash, and after I picked up the comb and brush and myself I decided to retire to my bracket on the wall and try to sleep. When I left the smoker the smoke less hog was occupying two and a half seats and was now busy breathing in some second-hand cigarette smoke which nobody seemed to care for. "How do I reach my Alpine bunga low?" I said to the porter, whereupon he laughed teethfully and hit me on the shins with a stepladder. The spectacular gent who occupied the . star chamber beneath my garret was sleeping as noisily as possible, and when I started up the stepladder he began to render Mendelssohn's obligato for the trombone in the key of G. Above the roar of the train from away off in lower No. 2 faintly I could hear an answering bugle call. I climbed up prepared for the worst will sell the books for him, anyhow. He runs to Canada from a debt." "No," sighted Katrina drearily; "I do not think so." In the morning they made a catalog of the contents of the valise. Katrlna repeated the titles of the volumes while her father listed them. The list was to be reproduced on the copying press, and the copies mailed to their customers. "Samuel Butler's Hudibrifs," read Katrina. "London, 1720." "Earliest illustrated edition," grunt ed Ellser. "We make him- twelve fifteen dollars. Go on." "'Dalphantus; or, the Passions of Love. Comical to Read, but Tragical' oh!" "What is it then?" The old German's memory was lax. Katrina did not Jog It. Nor did she tell her father what It may mean when a iady returns a young man's presents." The musty shop was particularly dark and gloomy that morning when Katrlna cat down to address the en velopes for the book-circulars. She ruffled the pages of the ledger medi tatively, and thought harder than she had ever thought In all her life before. Finally she addressed a single envel ope, dropped) it in the mail box, and concealed the rest of the circulars and stamps in her private drawer. Then she slipped a certain piece of wrapping paper between the leaves of the "Dal phantus." This much she would do and no more. Her lips trembled, for it was her first appeal to destiny. Katrina wickedly misinformed her father that she had sent all of the advertisements, and because his pa trons did not respond to them, Ellser grumbled for three days. But on the fourth day a slender, bronze-haired person alighted from a carriage In front of the basement, and Katrina fled like a frightened bird to the black ness of the rear room. "Yes, It wag Miss Gordon," said Mr. Ellser, when the girl returned. "The circular brought her. She asked for Trentham, but I revealed nothing, as I had promised." "Did she buy any books?" "A few." Who -shall meausre the fear in Katrlna's heart as the blue eyes tim orously searched the shelves? The "Dalphantus" was missing. "You were right, father," said Ka trina, "I shall go to Aunt Ida." TIL So Katrina was not in the shop when Trentham arrived, some weeks later. Miss Gordon was with him, and they seemed to be extravagantly happy. "Well. I was expecting to see you," asserted Mr. Ellser. "It wasn't my fault," said Trent- and in the twinkling of an eye the porter . removed the stepladder and there I was, sitting on the perilous edge of my pantry shelf with nothing to comfort me save the exhaust of a professional snorer. After about five minutes devoted to a parade of all my sins, I began to try to extract my personality from my coat; but when I pushed my arm up in the air to get the sleeve loose my knuckles struck the hardwood finish and I fell backward on the cast -Iron pillows, breathing hoarsely like a busy jackrabbit. I waited about ten minutes while my brain was bobbins back and forth with the excitement of running 60 miles en hour over. a careless part of the coun try, and then I cautiously tried to ap proach my shoe laces. Say! If you're a roan and you weigh in the neighborhood of 200 pounds, most of which is in the region of the equator, you will appreciate what it means to lie on your back In an upper berth and try to get your shoes off. And this goes double for the man who weighs more than 200 pounds. Every time I reached for my feet to get my shoes off I bumped my head off, and the more I bumped my head the less I got my shoes off, nd the less I got my shoe off the more I seemed to bump' my head off; so I de cided that In order to keep my head on I had better keep my rhoes on also. ' Then I tried to divorce my suspen ders from my shoulders, but Just as I got the suspenders half way over my head I' struck my crazybone on the rafters, and there I was, suspen dered between heaven and earth, but praying with all my heart for a bottle of arnica. Finally 1 decided to sleep as nature made me, with all my clothes on, in cluding my rubbers. So I stretched out, but Just then ham. "But, you see, I received a letter which made it absolutely neces sary for me to come back," and he looked at Miss Gordon, and laughed contentedly. "We owe a great deal to you, Mr. Ellser," she added, blushing. "You saved us from being a perpetual, quar relsome pair of fools, and we owe it all to you." "To ma?' echoed the storekeeper., "That Is, to one of your books," ex Big Fortunes Are AMERICAN and. Canadian sawmills have discovered that the sawdust they have been perplexed how to rid themselves of as a worthless incum brance is worth at least $40 a ton. In Baltimore a chemist has perfected a process of extracting gas from saw dust, adequate enough to supply a city like Ottawa with light and heat at 65 cents per 1000 feet. This is thought to portend that around the great saw mills, which have been emptying their dust Into the Ottawa River, a variety of new Industries subsisting on it are likely to grow up. In Austria, where everything in the shape of fuel is being carefully searched for, sawdust is Impregnated' with a mixture of tarry substances and heat ed to the proper temperature; ,it is then passed over a plate of iron heated by steam, from which a screw-conveyor takes it to a press, where it is com pressed Into briquettes of the required size. The press turns out about 19 every minute, weighing two-fifths of a pound each and measuring six inches by two and a half Inches by one and a half Inches. One Austrian factory Great Britain Declares Tobacco a Drug AN Interesting case of splitting hairs has arisen in Ireland in the admin istration of the national Insurance act as to whether tobacco Is a drug, a necessity or a luxury, all 'three views being taken by different authorities. It appears that the superintending medical officer of the Dublin district recommended that a consumptive pa tient coming under the provisions of Uie act be given tobacco for smoking to comfort him in his last days, offer ing to pay for the weed himself, but the insurance committee decided that the tobacco was necessary to the pa tient's treatment and sent in the bill to the insurance commissioners. Two weeks later the local authorities re ceived a lengthy communication de manding an explanation of their action in charging the government with a shilling's worth of tobacco. Their re ply was that tobacco was recognized as the train struck a curve and I went up in the air till the ceiling hit me, and then I bounced over the edg of the precipice and hung there, trembling on the verge. Below me all was dark and gloomy, and only by the hoarse groans) of the snorers could I tell that the Pullman Company was still making money. Luck was with me, however, for Just then the train struck an lnshoot curve, which pushed me to the wall, and I bumped my head so completely that I fell asleep. When I woke up a small- package ct daylight was peeping into the car, so I decided to descend from my cupboard shelf at once. I peeped out through the aluminum curtains, but there was no sign of the colored porter and the step ladder was invisible to the naked eye. The car was peaceful now, with the exception of a gent in lower No. 4, who had a strangle hold on a Beethoven sonata , and was beating the cadenze out of it. I made a short prayer and concluded to fall out, but just then one of my feet rested on something solid, so I put both feet on it and began to step down. Alas, however, the moment I put my weight on it my stepping-stone gave way and I fell overboard with a splash. "How dare you put your foot on my head?" yelled the man on the ground floor of my bedroom. "Excuse me; it felt like something wooden," I whispered, while I dashed madly for the smoker. From that day to this I have never been able to look a Pullman car In the face, and whenever anybody mentions an upper berth to me I lose my pres ence of mind and get peevish. If you have ever been there your self I know you don't blame me! . Do you? (Copyright. 1914. All rights reserved.) plained Trentham. "Agnes wouldn't have known where a fool had hidden himself, and wouldn't have rescued him from life-long Idiocy, If she hadn't found accidentally left In a book, you know " "By-the way, how's that pretty Ka trina," she asked. "Oh, she Is well," said Ellser. 't shall tell her that ycu are here again, Mr.. Trentham, and she will be glad." (Copyright, ths Frank A. Munaey Company) Made From Sawdust alone produces about 7,000,000 of these sawdust briquettes a year. In Germany there is a bakery that turns out 20.000 loaves of sawdust bread daily and finds an open market for this product. Although this saw dust bread is intended for consump tion by horses only, it Is claimed by the manufacturers, in case of famine, sawdust bread would furnish a nutri tious and very highly satisfactory food for human beings. The sawdust is first subjected to a process of fermentation and various chemical manipulations, and is mixed with one-third of ryo flour. It Is then shaped into loaves and baked In an oven like other bread. For many years the French have extracted coloring dyes from sawdust. The sawdust, it appears, is acted upon by sulphur and caustlo soda In a fur nace. Sulphuretted hydrogen is liber ated in large quantities and the vege table substance, whatever It may be, is rendered soluble in water, to which it imparts a strong color, varying with the substance employed. These solu tions are employed as dye's, which are fixed by passing the fabrio through boiling bichromate of potash. a drug In the British Codex under the title Nlcotlana Tabacum, and that It had been prescribed by a registered practitioner. Thereupon the commis sioners consulted learned K. Cs, and they are still wrestling with the sub ject. Meanwhile the patient Is dead, the tobacco is smoked and the expense of the disputation has already reached a hundred times the cost of the orig inal tin of shag. Variety. (Chicago News.) "Tommy," said an Irate mother to her Incorrigible offspring, "if you don't behave I'll give you a good whipping.'" "Well, that'll be a chancre, anyway,' replied the little fellow. "All the ther whippings I ever got from you were bad." . , .
