THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, DECE3ITJER 14. 1913. MEXICO PARODIED AT GRIDIRON FEAS Bryan Seizes Government Proclaims Himself Dictator, but Is Overthrown. "MRS. PANKHURST" THERE Reminder That "Women Vote In Ten States" Brings Assurance of Hos pitality Fun Furnished by Flvo Initiates. WASHINGTON. Deo. How the United States would be governed under a Mexicanlzed administration: bow tbe appetites of tbe hungry ott Ice-seeker should be appeased; the secret of tbe perennial domination of Tammany, and the best way to dispose of undesirable statesmen, were some of the questions which the Gridiron Club undertook to answer in humorous vein before a com pany of distinguished guests tonight at Its annual December dinner. Few escaped the shafts of wit. Presi dent Wilson. Vice-President Marshall. Secretary Bryan and leaders In Senate and House came In for a share on the gridiron, but it was evident that no one enjoyed the grilling more than the vic tims themselves. Because of his Illness, President Wilson did not attend. Mexlcaa Method Parodied. Prospective candidates for Presiden tial nomination surely must have been discouraged at the troubles and uncer talntles ahead of them when the Amer ican Government Is conducted on the Mexican plan, aa disclosed In the open ing; skit. An extra edition of an even lnr newspaper announced: "Grave Crisis In American Affairs; IT. S. Mex icanlzed; Old Order Superseded: Dic tator Takes Reins of Government.' Whereupon appeared In the dining-ball an army clad In ragged, but gaudy uniforms, headed by Bryan na Bryana, followed closely by one Tumulto. with the announced purpse of giving an exemplification of Mexican methods as applied to American affairs. This dia logue ensued: Bryanna Brrn "Viva jrfexlee. Tumulto "What's tbe Irish of It? I can't talk fpanlih." B. B. "Well, you and your chief have been walking Spanish for some time. Ac cording to approved Mexican standards X bave grabbed tbe presidency." Voire from rear "That'a the only way you could set 1U" Tbe dictator then appropriated all -the money in tbe treasury, and ordered the execution of a few Congressmen. When urged to save a few for the next holiday be replied: "We can begin on the Supreme Court tomorrow." Tlee-Prealdeara Rlshta Deflaed. ' Vice-President Marshallera appeared and explaining that be bad heard there was a vacancy at the White House, demanded his rights. He was. how ever, promptly ejected by the dictator with the remark: "Rights! Why. the only right you have la to wonder about the President's state of health, and I-am-very-weH." After increasing his own salary, Bryanna Bryana made all his army generals: told them he could not pay them and sent them out to kill Champ era Clarklsta. That astute leader won over the army with promise of pay and marching into the hall overthrew Bryana and ordered his execution; which sentence, however, he was Im pelled to make worse by adding, "cut Lis vocal chords." Hardly had the new Dictator assumed office and killed Senators O'Gorraano, Ileedavera and' Hltchkoko. before tbe army which has been outside "Reduc ing Senor Bryana's income at Its source." returned, headed by another Pretender thia time "William Also- randolph Hersta.- who demanded the Presidency on the ground of "tbe mll- Hon acres I own in Mexico, that I want this country to protect." He ordered the army to kill Clarklsta. who bitterly replied: "Too late. That'a what your support did to me at Baltimore." La Follette Vletlsa of Thefts. Hersta, seizing the reins of power, announced that be wanted to Intervene somewhere, and when Tumulto said: "There's no war at present." replied: "Start one, then, and say I did It. Then atop It and say I stopped It." Moosebullera appeared for the fourth time to "demand his rights." but scut tled away when Hersta threatened to print full reports of his speeches. By that time the fickle-minded army had been taken by "Battle Bob La Kolletto," who assumed command on the assertion that he was the "only honest man In public life." He thrust out Dictator Hersta with the declara tion: "I originated universal peace. Bryana stole that from me. I am the original trust buster. Everybody's bust ing them now and they stole my stuff. I wanted the Progressive nomination for President. The Bull Moose stole that from me." Marshallera again bobbed up, shout ing: "Tne Constitution says " when lie was cut short by La Follette with: "My dear sir, you are bewildered. The Constitution hasn't spoken above a whisper for several years." Marshall era retired finally, on 'being presented with an enormous turnip. Scarcely had the compary recovered frotu its fearful dream of Mexicanlza ticn when further disorder was created Toy the sudden appearance of Mrs. Pa k burst, whose shrieks of "votes for women" and demands for "a seat of honor were finally subdued by the suave President's offer of hospitality, when he was warned that women now vote in 10 states. Isdtlates Kxplatm Peverty. Taking the public Into Its confidence the Gridiron Club openly initiated five new members Into membership. The initiation was to have been conducted by the Federal Reserve Board, com posed of Harry Thaw. David Imar. Colonel MulhalL Jack John eon. William Sulznr and Charles F. Murphy, headed by General Coxey, but these fell into a general quarrel when they attempted to hold a meeting. President Kauffman. of the club, or dered the admission of the candidates to membership on payment of their dues. It seemed they were unable to meet that condition. fcald Candidate Fowler: "The Admin istration's policy of 'pitiless publicity hss been so secretive that we can't sjet any news, ami we've lost our Jobs." Asked why then they had become can didates he added: "We relied on Pres ident Wilson. Listen to what he WTOte in - The New Freedom' (reads): 'Let there be light. It Is necessary to open all the processes of politics. They have been too secret, too complicated, too round about; they have consisted too much of private conferences and aeeret understandings. Chairman: "Surely you got plenty of news after that." Krock: "Not much. Listen to the or der Issued by Secretary Daniels treads): Tbe Secretary of the Navy directs that all articles and Informa tion for the press be submitted to him before being given out.'" Mlaa Democracy Slags. Sweet to the ears of the hungry ftftlce-seekers were .the a train a $f "i Grande Duch esse." The skit opened with the entrance of a winsome lass. ana was introduced as Miss uemoc racy" In search of a quiet place to "tend to her knitting." She "thought the White House would afford me shelter; but weddings turn the place belter skelter." Attended by a chorus of old friends and poor relations, she sang: Once I was quiet and subdaed. Not In the best society. With (rest respect I now am viewed A model of propriety. Asked what knitting employed her skill. Miss Democracy replied: I've just crocheted a lovely tariff bill. A motto I embroidered cites these facta God bleu our home but damn the Income tax. A civil service examination was held to determine the fitness of the many Democratic applicants for the Job of one lone Republican postmaster. This was greatly against the will of the applicants, who chanted their dissent DR. H. E. MMtERT ELECTED MAYOR OK MILTON. ' . 'si i I f s " A Dr. H. E. MeQaery. MILTON. Or, Dec. 1J. (Spe cial.) Dr. H. E- McQuery. an os teopath, was elected Mayor of Milton at the municipal election held here on Tuesday. The Mayor-elect has been a resident of this place many years, but this Is the first time he has ever held a olty office. More than ordinary interest In the outcome of the election was shown by the citizens, and an un usually heavy vote was cast for the candidates. to that famous old air. "Ah. one Talma les mllltalres." The examination displaced, the Re publican postmaster, but the process was declared to be too slow, wherefor Miss Democracy was obliged to yield to the general demand for "the one weapon that fills the bill the ax that Adlal used with strensrth and skill" and the curtain fell to this ringing chorus: cleaver, the cleaver, ths Bring forth the Cleaver. Bring forth the cleaver, the cleaver of onr sires. Bring forth the cleaver, the cleaver, the cleaver. We'll dron em and ohan m The one way to stop 'em. i r meets our aealrea. ' The following letter from President Wilson was read oy President Kauff man to the club: I am deeply chasrlned and a-reatlv aisappoiniea mat a very severe cold stlH keeps me indoors and will prevent my attending the banquet of the club this evening 'deeply chagrined.' be cause I seldom misbehave myself In this way, and am ashamed and dlaao pointed, because I was looking forward to tne evening with keen anticipation of pleasure. I am sure that I will miss you much more than you will miss me. na i wi a ior you the lolliest and most rewarding evening." For "Him" Men's Gloves, Dent's and Perrin's, , in Kid, $1.50 to $7.50 Fur or wool lined, $3 to $6 . , Sweaters and Sweater Coats, $3.50 to $8.50 Men's Umbrellas, $1.50 to $10 Cuff Links Pull Dress Sets Tie Pins $1.50 to $7.50 Fine Neckwear 50c to $3 Silk Hosiery, $1 to $3.50 Silk Pajamas, $5 and $6 A View of the Men's Christmas Store! Ancrora Vests For Men and Women Heather and Gray tones $G, S7.50, 310 OF THE. Buy your gifts for men at this Men's Store, for here are the things that men appre ciate. Every article has been carefully chosen to please the man of critical judg ment; he'll prize the gift that you select here. $ 5.00 House Coats and Smoking Jackets this week $ 3.95 $ 7,50 House -Coats and Smoking Jackets this week, 5.95 $10.00 House Coats and Smoking Jackets this week, 7.95 $12.50 House Coats and Smoking Jackets this week $ 9.95 $25.00 House Coats and Smoking Jackets this week $19.95 $ 3.50 Bath Robes and Dressing Gowns now S 2.95 $ 6.50 Bath Robes and Dressing Gowns now 5.35 $ 7.50 Bath Robes and Dressing Gowns now 5.95 $10.00 Bath Robes and Dressing Gowns now $ 7.95 $15.00 Bath Robes and Dressing Gowns now $11.95 . $25.00 Bath Robes and Dressing Gowns now $19.95 Men's Furnishing Department, Main Floor A Most Useful Present A Suitcase or Traveling Bag All Are Reduced Here $ 5.50 Bags and Suitcases 8 4.95 $10.00 Bags and Suitcases 875 $15.00 Bags and Suitcases $12.85 19.50 Bags and Suitcases S 16.65 $27.50 Bags and Suitcases $22.45 $35.00 Bags and Suitcases $29.75 Pullman Slippers, $2 the Pair Collar Boxes, $1 to $4 Leather Toilet Sets, $2 to $6 BEN ELLIN1 ijr LEADING CLOTHIER MORRISON STREET AT FOURTH NAME IS CHANGED "LOVE" ALSO-IS ADMITTED Couple Say Tbat Is Unnecessary; It Will "Com Later." ST. LOUIS. Dec 13. When Charles M. ilaler, of St Louis, and Miss Mary E. Stewart, of Paola. Kan, appeared before Justice Warremeyer at Clayton. today to be married they asked tbe Justice to omit the words "obey" and "love" from the ceremony. The Judge complied with the ceremony. Meier, wnen asked why he wanted the word -love" left out. said: "Well, in this case it Is not neces sary. The love will come later." When the Justice asked Mater if ha had a ring:. Ilaler produced a fine dia mond, saying:: "This Is neither an engrarernent ring; nor a wedding; ring-. It is a present." NAU'S. Come look at our corner and 70a will see the reason why we are giving- 24 per cent discount on our Christmas goods. I-adies' - ba.fr a. traveling- sets. Ivory cutlery and all novelties. Frank Nau. prescription drug-sist, corner Sixth and Alder streets. Adv. Simply A.W.Laffertyls"Wa!. ter" in New Directory. SKETCH IS ABBREVIATED Age I Omitted, Together With Other Karae-SLaklnjc Details Senator - Lane Misses Brevity Record by Three Words. OREGONTAN NEWS BUREAU. Wash ing ton. Dec. II. The Third Congres sional district of Oregon, according to the new issue of the Congressional Di rectory, is represented by "Walter Laffertr, Progressive Republican." Mr. Lafferty has once more changed his autobiographical sketch and has elim inated soma of the references to his family which were Incorporated in the Congressional Directory Issued last ApriL A review of Mr. Lafferty sketches of himself which have appeared in successive Issues of the Directory since he came to Congress trace his Changs of political affiliations, as well as his change of name. Lafferty's name first appeared in tne directory Issued in May, 1911. He then gave bis name as "Abraham Walter Lafferty. Republic an, of Portland, born June 10. 1S7S." and then followed a brief sketch of his public career. ' Xasae Changes by Degrees. "The three succeeding Issues desig nated 'the Portland Representative as "A. W. Lafferty, Republican." and then came the first Issue of the Sixty-third Congress, put out last ApriL It was then that Mr. Lafferty published the longest biographical sketch In the book. In the April Issue Mr. Lafferty's name attracted real attention. "Walter Lafferty, Progressive Re publican, at present supporting the platform and organization of the Pro g-resslve Party," was the way the April sketch opened, but parenthetically Mr. Lafferty said; "Full namo is Abraham Walter, but has always been called Walter, and signs himself simply A. w. Lrrerty. About that time Mr. Lafferty had a new set of franked envelopes printed at the Government Printing Office, and in the upper right band corner they bore fac simile of Mr. Lafferty's signature, which read: "A. W. (Walter) Lafferty." In the Directory just Issued for the regular session Mr. Lafferty gives his name as "Walter Lafferty. Progressive Republican, of Portland, at present supporting the platform and organisa tion In Congress of the .Progressive party because In his Judgment It comes much nearer to representing the senti ments and aspirations of tho rank and file of the Republican party than does the platform enunciated by the last so called Republican, National conven tlon." A are N.t Glvea. The new biographical sketch Is short er than that which was printed last April, does not give Mr. Lafferty's age and omits the details that made the previous sketch famous. While Representative Lafferty has striven to get one of the longest sketches in the Directory. Senator Lane has made an effort to write the short est biography, but he failed by three words. The new Directory says of Senator Lane simply this: "Harry Lane. Democrat, of Oregon. Term expires March 3. 1919." Senator Lane should have looked up the sketch of the Representative from the Sixth Minnesota district. It reads: "Charles A. Lindbergh, Republican, of Little Falls." 1IARIUS TRrSK MFG. CO. for trunks, bags and leather novelties. A large variety to select from. 130 Sixth street, opposite Oreonlan. Adv. December 15. "SUMMER HOME" BILLIN COLORADO MEMBER FAVORS SPE CIAL LIMITED DIVISION. Two Months' Residence far Three Svc eeaslve Years aad glOOO Improve saeats to Win 40 Arrea. OREGONIAX NEWS BUREAU. Wash ington. Dec 13 Summer homesteads are proposed In a bill Introduced in the House by Representative Taylor, of Col orado, hut It remains to be seen how the bill will be received by the Interior Department and by the conservation lsts. who are always ready to head off legislation that tends to make It easle to acquire title to the public domain. The Taylor bill Is what it appears to be. a measure proposing to allow citt zens to get title to 40-acre tracts of public land, either in or outside of forest reserves, when they desire to utilize such lands for Summer camps o Summer homes. The bill limits Summer homesteads to 40 acres each, and pro vldes that a person to get title must reside on his land for two months each year for three successive years, and must make permanent improvements thereon to the extent of at least 11000, which shall Include a habitable house. Representative Taylor maintains tha such a law aa this would enable many of the residents of the West to pick out and get title to Summer camp sites in the mountains, where they could build houses and spend tbelr vacations. As most of the sites that would be ac quired under this bill would lie in the mountains, the bill permits "Summer homesteads" in forest reservations, as well as on the open publlo domain. D rawer Style Filing Systems . That Simplify , Vertical Transfer Cases Ilawley to Be Committeeman. OREGONIAJf NEWS BUREAU. Wash ington. Dec 1 J. Congressman Hawley today received a proxy from Republi can State Committeeman Williams and will represent Oregon at the Republi can National Committee meeting here. gifts -that men appreciate a useful xmas present selected from this stock of superior men's wear is the most suitable gift for a man. coming from this store it carries an added value, experi enced salesmen to advise you and help you in your selection, you will find several suggestions of gifts costing from 25 cents to $SO. gift certificates issued. the men's gift shop innio Slclhiel 331 Washington street near broadway Made of wood sides and front are paneled and of three-ply construction, insuring against splitting or warping. Drawer pulls are bolted on, not merely screwed. They cannot be pulled off. At the front of each cab inet, under the drawer, are two fiber rollers; and on the top of each drawer, at the back, are two more rollers; so that no matter how heavily the drawer may be loaded, it will roll easily. These drawer style cabinets are so constructed that when one is stacked on the other they become automatically locked. Any number of these Drawer Style Vertical Trans fer Cases stacked together make a complete cabinet. Made in bill, letter and cap sizes. Place Your Order Now VTe have a large stock, ami many shipments to arrive before January first, but these Cases are being freely ordered, and the last of the year may see a shortage. Would suggest that you place yonx order at once for last of December or January delivery. We will set aside goods on such orders according to date of placing. New Style Vertical Folders A Big Step Forward in Vertical Filing. Manila and Pressboard Guides Direct Name Guides GLASS & PRUDHOMME CO. 65-67 BROADWAY OFFICE OUTFITTERS One Block North of Oregon Hotel. DENTISTS of know aad proves skill. Mfi who take delight la clvlK the verr beat service at the least possible root. Experts tm every line ef era des Hairy. Prompt Service. GOLD CROWN A WHITE CROWN A BRIDGE TOOTH -mm r- tht ton . $5 DR. W. A. "WISE. President and Manager. . 26 Years in Portland. Plates With Flexible Surtloa. The Very Bet and Latest In Modern Dentistry. No ilore Falling Plates. WISE DENTAL CO. Phones Mala 202. A S2. ' FAILIXG Bl'lLDIXG. THIRD AXD WASHIXOTOX, 8. E. COR.VEIL Eatraaee oa Third street. Pertlaad, Orec.m.