THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND, JULY 13, 1913.
MO OML 5ELA5 .
TO LOVE, uin:
l o Thr Poor box-Office ndn
4
I
TO the playgoer the man who sells
tickets in the boxofflce is a
"crook," "grafter," "horrid thing,"
or "pert young man and bo autocratic"
the elaboration of the expletive de
fending on the theatergoer's sex and
on his or her patronage of the second
balcony or the orchestra stalls.
Some have no hesitancy In frankly
Informing the boxofflce man of the
esteem in which they hold him. and
others content themselves with facial
contortions and dagger stares to inter
pret their acridity, now and then ejac
ulating "huh," to make it more em
phatic. Nine out of 10 people will ask the
boxofflce man for the best seats he has
for a certain performance at a certain
price. He will place on the counter
say tenth row In the orchestra, cen
ter, or second tow, first balcony, a lit
tle to the left, and the purchaser will
invariably say, "Haven't you alale seats
in the second row in the orchestra," or,
"Why can't you give jne first row In
the balcony, center."
Now, the boxoffice man has offered
the best seats. He has taken them
from the top of the pile. The tickets
are so arranged for the theater rule
Is always: First come, first served.
If a patron asks for the best seats at
a certain price they are given to him.
If a patron asks for certain sears those
seats, or seats as near them as are un
sold, are given him. Yet the theater
goer always thinks that the worst
seats are sold first, and that the box
office man is holding out better ones
for the other "fellow.
Any man who has served hlB appren
ticeship in a boxofflce would make a
successful politician, yet none of them
have time for such diversion.
From 9 In the morning until late In
the evening a constant stream of people
appears before the boxoffice window,
and each one thinks that his or her
money is a little better than that of
those who have preceded in the line.
The boxofflce man Is always polite,
but his work machine makes him a
wit and once In a while when his head
aches from the volley of cynicism, he
retorts In kind.
You may blame him If you are the
cause of the retort, but If you knew
that you are one in a thousand and
that the other 939 have passed as good
or better asperities through the window
or over the telephone, you would think
differently.
At the end of a particularly trying
day a woman called the boxoffice of
one of the theaters on the telephone.
"Have you got one In a box?" was the
question. The boxoffice man did his
best to find out what night the ticket
was desired. All the satisfaction he
obtained was frequent repetitions of
the question, "Have you got one in a
box?" In desperation the boxoffice
man told the woman to call up an un
dertaker and not a theater.
"Any Xlght Next Week."
A frequent time-and-trouble item for
the theater Is the customer who asks
for "good seats for any night next
week," The box office man may pick
out a pair for Tuesday, and the cus
tomer will declare that Tuesday is an
Impossible date on account of previous
engagements. When the matter is
simmered down the box office man finds
that on only one or two nights could
the purchaser- use tickets. But the
purchaser goes away disgruntled and
sure that there were better seats avail
able than those he got. But the ticket
seller is not a mind reader.
Stand at the elbow of the box office
man behind the window for a time and
you will see it from the inside out,
A man asks for "Three on the side
that is nearest the center," without
specifying the performance, or whether
orchestra or balcony. The' man indig
nantly states that he always buys the
bests seats, and, of course, he wants
them for tonight. He is given tenth
row, aisle left, and then comes, in 1
minatory tones, the oft-repeated: "Is
that the best you've got?"
A Swedish girl asks for "Fort row
on site, Sat'day aft'noon." The box
office man immediately assumes second
balcony, but asks, "How many?" The
girl says nothing but places a half
dollar on the counter. That is easy to
understand and the man in the cage
heaves a sigh of relief.
A woman buys a 76-oent seat and
asks if she can see from that seat.
The answer is "Certainly," and a sec
ond query comes back: "How do you
know?' The ticket man tells her that
the seat faces the stage and she goes
away perfectly satisfied.
A man who the day before bought
tickets in the 12th row wants to change
them for seven rows further back and
berates the box office because he did
not realise how near to the stage they
were when he bought them. The very,
next man in line kicks like a mule be
caus'e he cannot get seats nearer the
front and although he seems to hear
very well he tells the box office man
that he is very deaf. This lattex device
is a frequent lever applied for the pur
pose of obtaining seats down front. In
an hour no less than four people, all of
whom hear perfectly the explanations
of the box office man told him that
they were very deaf. When a deaf per.
son does buy tickets the box office man
always recommends another perform
ance at some later date if he is sold
out on near-Btage seats for the date
asked, but for the pseudo-deaf he has
no such courtesy to offer.
One of the greatest banes lit the ex
istence of the boxoffice man is the life
story class of people, or those who in
sist in giving a lengthy tale that has
little to do with theaters or tickets.
One woman told that she had four sons
that their boss had given them a dol
lar apiece to go to the theater with.
He had given them the money Christ
mas, but they had not used it before
because one of them had a bad cold
and stayed in nights and they all
wanted to go together. She Bad come
in to get the tickets and the boys had
paid her car fare, but she did not want
them to do that and she was going to
give the money back to them. She
told the names 6f all the boya and
finally came down to the fact that she
wanted four dollar seats for that night.
Another woman wanted two partic
ular seats which were sold. "But I
must have them," she protested. "You
know, my husband is a very, peculiar
man and he wants to have these seats,
and if I do not get them there is sure
to be serious domestio trouble." As
she insisted on having those seats she
changed to another performance when
they were not sold, but she said she
thought that a theater might make an
exception in a case of this kind.
One boxofflce man received so many
requests for aisle aeats in the fourth
row that he declared that if he ever
built a theater it would have nothing
but aisle Beats in the fourth row in
the house If he had to put them on top
of one another a mile high,
A woman bought 14 seats and ex
plained that they ware for 13 girls
and a chaperon, but that no chaperon
could look after bo many girls in a
publio place and .would the boxofflce
man see to it that no man procured
seats anywhere near the girls.
A man asks: "Have you anything in
the first row of the first balcony for
tomorrow," and receives his seats. "Are
those good seats?" he asks, "Nothing
wrong with them," says the boxoffice
man. Five minutes later he comes
back and exchanges them for the sixth
row.
Most people are in a hurry or are
nervous when they buy theater tickets.
Many leave their change on the coun
ter, and when they are called back
for it seldom say, "Thanks." A woman
hurries up and says: "Will you tell me
what you can give me on the edge.
I first row Off the aisle?" and thinks
she has been very explicit. Some I
counter. One asked: "What have you
got in 75-cent seats today 7" and when
she was told, turned away with: "I
don't want them, I was only pricing."
A man asks for the two best seats In
the house and is handed two orchestra
stalls. "Are they good aeats?" and
"Are you sure they are the best you
can give me?" he asks, as he lays a
$5 bill on the counter. When he re
ceived his change there was a great to
do. He only wanted to pay $1 apiece
for the seats.
Many and unique are the expedients
adopted to outwit the box office and
get some of the hundreds of best seats
that the people think are saved
up. A frequent occurrence is for a
man who is taking a young woman to
the show to send her up to the box
office while he hangs in the back
ground, thinking that her pretty faee
and smile will win the better seata.
When any question comes up about
the seats, however, she gives herself
away by calling him up to the raij
for consultation.
Many men put up the argument that
they have come many miles to sea the
play, and if they have good seats where
they can see and hear well they will
recommend the show back home. This
type of man always uses the same ex
cuse and Is quickly recognized. Usually
he lives within the 5-cent-fare limit.
A woman bought a seat In the or
chestra circle, and asked the box-office
man if he thought her husband could
hear from there, he was a, little deaf.
The box-office1 man advised the pur-
chase of a higher-priced seat. The
woman told him he acted like an auc
tloneer and that her husband was not
going to sit in the seat any way she
was going to sit there and her hearing
was very good.
Theaters do not take back tickets
and refund the money once the buyer
has left the box office. In the" past
this was done and people who found Or
stole tickets obtained the money on
them and when the owner reported
them missing the theater had them.
Hence the rule: But the women can
not understand it and do not see why
there should be such a rule. One
woman asked for money back on a pair
of tickets because her sister, who was
going to the play with her, had gone to
Europe. Then she recognized a friend
next In line, and, forgetting the box
office, told her that she bought the
tickets for her husband and herself and
he had refused to go to the play.
People who have wooden legs, and
there are several who are theatergoers,
always tell the box office and demand
aisla seats bo that the artificial limb
may be stretched out. The ticket man
always complies with such a request,
but often the wooden - legged person
gets right and left mixed up and so
gets a seat on the wrong side. Then
after the play begins there Is an argu
ment because usually by that time all
the other seats are sold.
Similar confusion occurs with peo
ple who are defective in sight or hear
ing on one side or the other and wish
seats on the side of the theater which
will aid their defects. If the deficiency
is on ' the left they mean to ask for
seats on the left so that the good eye
or ear will be towards the theater and
stage, but two-thirds of the time they
will ask for seats on the right and dis
cover their mistake later.
An old man comes up to the box of
fice and, laying a half-dollar on the
counter, asks: "How much mora do
you want for a good Beat?" He is
told that a dollar more would give
him a good seat. Well, don t you
think for a minute I haven't got it.
young man," he said, pulling out a
large roll of bills. Leaving the line
he went outside the rail and selected
a dollar from the roll, and then de
spite the beckoning of the boxoffice
man he took his place at the end of
the line again and waited several min
utes more to get up to the window.
when he obtained his seat for thai
night's performance. Half an hour
later he came back and explained that
he had been waiting for the doors to
open. The ticket man told him that
there was no matinee that afternoon
and that his ticket was for the even
ing performance. He angrily tore it
in two and then demanded his money
back. He got it, although there was no
reason why he should.
A man looked carefully at two tickets
laid before him, remarked that a man
who would sell tickets like those would
steal chickens and walked away with
out buying.
Many seats are bought by mall, and
the letters are as typical as are the oral
requests. One man wrote: "Please try
and favor me with two seats side by
each other with no posts between as
I am going to bring myself and a young
lady." "
Now and then people will declare
that they do not understand the dia
gram and ask if they may go into the
theater and see the seats they are buy
ing. Of course, this is against the
rule, but some of them do get by the
door when there is no performance go
ing on.
People who want the best seats must
buy them far in advance, but as any
boxofflce man will tell you: "Every seat
In the house Is good; you can see the
stage from any of them."
About half of the people In the com
munity think that they pay the thea
ter sufficient honor by being present to
entitle them to a pass. "I'm Mr. So-and-So
of the Legislature." will say
some up-state member, "what is the
best you can do for me tonight." He
expects nothing less than a box and of
course he does not expect to pay for
it. Or he may be the editor of some
little country paper in a town where
there is no theater, or an insurance
agent, but he considers himself very
big, even If nobody else does, and he
cannot understand why the box office
man does not agree with him.
' 1 I
erse Tales From Humorous Pens
THE FIXDER HOT FOVJiD.
William . M. Wood, the head of the
woolen trust, said in Boston, apropos of
the new tariff:
"It listens good, as the slang phrase
goes, but will it listen good to the very
end? Won't the end be ft dismal sur
prise, like the tale of the lost coat?
"A country minister,' driving to
church with his new overcoat on the
seat beside him, lost the coat en route,
and announced his loss from the pulpit.
" 'Dearly beloved,' he said, 'I met with
a sad loss this morning. Somewhere on
the river road, while driving to church,
I lost my fine, new, silk-lined over
coat. If any of you find it, I hope
you'll bring it to the parsonage.'
" 'It's found, doctor,' said a voice from
the back of the church.
" 'Bless you, my friend! Heaven bless
you!' said the minister, beaming on the
speaker gratefully,
" 'It's found, sir,' continued the voice.
'I came alontr the river road Just after
you, and it wasn t there.
CREDIT WHERE! CREDIT tS Dt'E,
Dr. Talcott Williams, the Very suc
cessful head of Columbia's school of
journalism, said the other day in New
York:
"Newspapers should never" steal from
one another. If a paper copies a news
Item, an anecdete. or an editorial, it
should give suitable credit always.
"Right, eminently right, at least In
spirit, was the young Nola Chucky ed
Itor who copied in his paper a poem
beginning 'Full fathom five thy father
lies,' and at the poem's end put these
words of credit:
" "William Shakespeare, in the New
Orleans States.
AS BAD AS HATS.
Mrs. Arthur Wentworth Balfour, the
western Audubonist, praised in an ad
dress in Tacoma. the action of Congress
in forbidding the importation of all
feathers save those of the ostrich and
the domestic fowl.
Feathers, anyhow, she said, "aside
from the cruelty of them, make so for
vanity, don t they?
I know & man who sat at the opera
one night behind a lady with an 18-inch
wnne aigrette in her hair. The man
craned to the right, he craned to the
left, but that tall, white, thick superb
aigrette was always in his way
At last, desperate, he bent forward
and whispered:
"'Madam, I paid $6 for this seat. It
was in order to see.'
" 'And I, sir,' the lady answered
haughtily, "paid 60 for this aigrette.
It was in order to be seen.' "
applied logic.
An onlooker shook his head as he
watched a steam shovel bite off earth
by the ton. He said: "It throws men
but of work it loads those cars faster
than a hundred men With picks and
shovels could do it."
But another onlooker answered:
"See here, mister, if it would be bet
ter to employ a hundred men with
picks and shovels on this job, wouldn't
It no better still, by your way of think
ing, to employ a thousand rnen with
forks and tablespoons?" Rio Grande
i-mpioyes Magazine.
We drum up trade, don't we?" was the
retort.
"I know," aaid the meek little man.1
lllt ttlJ, fifllm la nnt a - 4 tw4 4 i i ,
ment." Harper's Weekly.
HENCE ITS ORIGIN.
"Every superstition, or nearly every
superstition. Can be traced back to
something sensible and rational. Take
the Friday one, for example.
The speaker Was Mayor Reutter, of
Lansing.
"Take the Friday superstition," he
resumed. "One Lansing clerk said to
another:
" 'Would you start off on your Vaca
tion on a Friday, Bob?'
" 'You bet your life I wouldn't," Bob
replied.
" 'What a superstitious ass you are.
Bob!'
" 'Spuperstitloua be hanged!' said
Bob. 'I wouldn't start off on Friday
because Saturday's pay day.' "
LITTLE WILLIE WANTED TO K.IOW,
"Pa," said little Willie, "what does
eskew mean?"
"Askew?" repeated the old gentle
man. "Why askew means gone wrong,
crooked. Why do you ask?'
"Why, I notice that after youf name
on all your letters tney put E S -Q
but I didn't know you'd ever gone
wrong or was crooked, pa, What did
you do?" asked little Willie. Harper's
Weekly,
A PERTISEWT ftTJJERIf.
The drummer had been bragging
about his achievements for a goodly
time and finally the meek little man in
the corner piped up.
"Excuse me," he said, "but perhaps
you can tell me why you gentlemen are
called drummers.
"Well, why shouldn't we be so called?
SOMETHt.TO TO REMEMBER.
"Now is the time to pitch In and
achieve now, now!" said Norman Hap
good, the new owner of Harper's Week
ly, in an eloquent political address in
New York.
"Remember, my friends," said Mr.
Hapgood, "the present is the future
from which you hoped so much. "
A COLORADO VERDICT.
Some years ago in a Western mining
town a man was found dead in his ho
tel room, hanged to a bedpost by his
suspenders. The jiiry of miners brought
In the following verdict at the Coroner's
Inquest: "Deceased came to his death
by coming home full and mistaking
himself for his pants. New York Sun.
OH, JOY!
Spring's on he? way,
I'm all agog;
Today came a
Seed catalogue.
Cincinnati Enquirer.
ANOTHER.
Mary had a little lamb
'Twas gentle as a pup.
When Mary took it out one day
The beef trust grabbed it up.
Florida Times-Union.
Quips and. Flings
Sherlock Holmes glanced 'round the
room. The pictures were torn into
shreds -the chairs were broken the
table lying on the top of the piano. A
great splash of blood was on the car
pet. . "Someone has been here," he com
mented with wonderful insight. Brook
lyn life.
. '
She (after the quarrel) "Leave my
presence!"
He (confused) "Why --&t- you've
got them all!" -sludge.
.
Tell a man that there are 270,165,325,
481 stars and he will believe you. But
if a sign says Fresh Paint, he has to
make a personal investigation. Cincin
nati Enquirer.
Son of the House (to caller) I want
ed to see you 'cos father says you made
yourself.
Caller Yes, my lad, and I'm proud
of it.
Son of the House B-but why did
you do it like that? Puck.
Trotter While I was In England I
met one nobleman wno actually be
lieved In the abolition of the House of
Lords'.
Blotter Did you, really?
Trotter -Yes. He said It was such a
nuisance to go there.- Puck.
4k
She Why do yod work so hard?
He I am too nervous to steal. Cor
nell Widow.
"What is that man's occupation?"
"Well." replied Senator Sorghum, "it
all depends on your point of view
Whether you say he Is conducting a
aampalgri of education or Is just a plain
lobbyist. "-Washington staff.
Customer- And do you guarantee
these trousers all wool 7
Einstein Veil, thir, I ron't detheive
you, mine friendt the buttonth ith
metal.
1
Uncle James My dear Dora, let thi
thought console you for your lover's
death. Remember that other and better
men than ho have gone the same way'.
Bereaved One They haven't all gone,
have they?
Little Effie Grandma, do you like
candy?
Grandma No, dear; I never eat it.
Little Effle Then I wish you would
hold mine until I get dolly dressed.
Troy Times.
"Did you have a bad toothache?"
"I think so, but if you know of any
other kind of a toothache, perhaps it
was that kind I had." Pittsburg Dis
patch. "So you claim the world Is round,"
sneered the skeptic. "How do ybu know
that it is not square?"
"Because I have had too many deal
ings with it," grimly replied Colum
bus. Florida Times-Union.
.
"They gave poor BUI just three years
Just for sneezing."
"For sneezing? How d'ye make that
out?"
"Well, he was cracking a safe and he
sneezed and woke the . watchman."'
Boston Herald.
Missionary (to cannibal) What
makes your chief so talkative?
Cannibal OH, he ate a couple of bar
bers this mornings-Washington Star.
Husband Toil have changed washer,
women, I see.
Wife Yes. How do you know?
Husband Instead of getting Brown,
Jones and Robinson's shirts, I am get
ting some strange garments I never
wore before. New York Weekly.
Clara Of all mean, selfish, worldly,
despicable creatures, I think Mr. Hug
gem Is the worst.
Dora Why, what has he done?
Clara When I refused him he did
not commit suicide or go to a mountain
cave or anything. He's engaged to a
girl I hate. Cleveland Plalndealer.
Servant (answering bell) My mas
ter isn't in, sir. You may leave the bill
if you wish.
Caller (in surprise) Bill? I have no
bill. I wish to "
Servant (in surprise also) No bill?
Then you must have called at the
wrong house. London Answers.
Among tne Poets oth.& Daily Preoa
I'D MATE TO THINK.
I'd hate to think that all I'm here for
Is to do things people cheer for;
And by products of my labor
Rouse the envy of my neighbor.
Life indeed would be distressful
If man had to be successful
In the way men count Successes
Ere n3 tasted happiness;
Building every moment sunny
Always on the thing called money.
I'd hate to think that I must hurry
Here and there and always worry.
Letting this grim thought harass me
That some stranger may surpass me;
Fearful always that I never
May be listed with the clever;
Every nerve and muscle straining
Some advantage to be gaining;
Feeling that my short life's story
Must conclude in earthly glory.
I'd hate to think my earthly mission
Is to serve a great ambition;
That I must, to help my brother.
Speedily outdo another;
Must forego the present pleasure
For tomorrow's hoard of treasure;
Must, though health and strength di
minish Be the first man at the finish.
And shall be a failure reckoned.
Even though I come In second.
I'd hate to think that only wise Is
He who captures life's few prizes;
That simple ways and quiet manners.
Lips that softly hum "hosannas!"
Feet that in content are plodding
Grassy ways, where flowers are nod
ding. Hearts that know not the obsession
That all joy is in possession.
But are thrilled by love and beauty
Do not also do their duty.
Detroit Free Press.
EARTHLY GLORY,
I do not envy any King
The royal purple that he wears;
A crown is but a foolish thing.
Accompanied by many cares.
I would not wish to be a Czar,
Compelled to hide from jealous foes;
I'd rather be a baseball star,
.Who dazzles everywhere he goes.
I would not Journey verS4a
To loom up as a diplomat.
With breeches reaching to my knees
I fear I lack the legs for that.
I would not be the bard who wakes
The harp, to thrill as Homer thrilled;
I'd rather be the man who makes
A home run with the bases filled.
Chicago Record-Herald.
A FAREWELL.
My fairest child, I have no song to give
you;
No lark could pipe in skies so dull
and gray;
Yet, if you will, one quiet hint I'll
leave you for every day.
Be good, sweet maid, and let who can
be clever;
Do lovely things, not dream them, all
day long;
And so make Life, and Death, and that
forever.
One grand, aweet song.
Charles Kingaley.
THE RCLTXrt PASSION.
The Amazon in days of old displayed
A man-like vigor on the battlefield.
But, none the less, ere fighting she
surveyed
Her features in her shield!
The modern maid who also yearns to
face
Some day, if need arise, her country's
foes.
Would she not, ere the battle, pause and
place
Some powder on her nose?
R. Mertum, in London Opinion.
THE PLAYWRIGHT'S PRAYER.
"Footlights and fallen star
And one fierce call for me;
Oh, may there be no throwing of the
eggs.
When I peep out to see!"
Punch Bowl.
"Don't you sweep tinder the carpet.
Bridget?
"Yessum, t sweeps everything tinder
the carpet."
"four dog has eaten my" pies; I shall
send for the police."
"Better send for a veterinary."
"I have no bad habits, sir; I do not
smoke or drink."
. "Nor does my daughter. She neither
sings nor plays."
"How long did you take the pledge
for?"
"Fof life; same as last time."
"You need a Change of scene, my
man."
"That's easy, doc.. I'm a scene
shifter,"
"What are you doing to help along
the spelling reform."
"Well, I fired my blonde typewriter
yesterday."