6
T1TE SUNDAY OKEGOXIAN, rOItTLAXD, AUGUST 2V, 1911.
elys Miromnz
bt ruzAittrrn w. pelumt.
IX order for a man t
urh an Invention. h
lnv Harrison Kly.
V order fir a man to have faith In
e would have to
For Harrison
Ely wu a genius. I had known him In
colleg. a man amaslngly dull In Latin
and Greek and even In English, but
with Ideas cf Ma own that could not
bo expressed In language. Hla bent
wu purely mechanical, and found ex
pression In Innumerable Ingenious con
trivance to facilitate tha study to
which ha had no Inclination. His self
acting lexicon-holder was a matter of
admiring wonder to his classmates, but
It d!d not serve to Increase the tena
city of his mental grasp upon the con
tents of the volume, and so did little
to recommend him to the faculty. And
his self-feeding safety student-lamp
admirably Illuminated everything- for
him save tha true and only path to an
honorable decree.
It had been years since I had seen
him or thouaut of him. but the mem
ory Is tenacious of small thins;, and
the M( yellow envelope which I found
one morning awaiting me upon my
breakfast tMe rroufit hla eccentric
personality back to me with a rush. It
was addressed to me In the Archime
dean script always so characteristic of
him. combining, aa It seemed to do.
the principles of the screw and of the
Inclined plane, and In Ita superscrip
tion Harrison Kly stood unmistakably
revealed.
It was the first mornlnar of a new
cook, the latest potentate of a dynasty
of ten who had briefly ruled In turn
over our kitchen and ourselves during
the preceding three months, and suc
cessively abdicated In favor of on
another under the compelling Influ
ences of popular clamor, and In the
face of such a political crista my class
mate's letter filled to receive Im
mediate attention. Unfortunately but
not unexpectedly the latest occupant
of our culinary throne began her reign
with no conspicuous reforms, and w
received In gloomy silence her pre
liminary enactments In the way of
greasy omelette and turbid and flavor
lens coffee, the yellow screed of Har
rison Kly looking on the while with
btllou sympathy as It leaned unopened
against the water-bottle beside me.
As I drained the last medicinal drop
of coffee my eye fell upon It. and need
Ins: a vicarious outlet for my feel Ins;
toward the cook. I seized It and tore
It viciously open. It contained a letter
from my classmate and hair a aosen
printed circulars. I spread open the
former, and my eye fastened at cos
upon this sympathetic exordium:
"Doubtless, my dear friend, you have
known what discomfort It Is to be at
the mercy of Incompetent domestics "
But my attention waa distracted at
this point by one of the circulars,
which displayed an array of startling,
cheering, alluring words, followed by
plentiful exclamation points, that, like
a bunch of keys, opened to my enrap
tured vision the rates of a terrestrial
Taradlse. where Bridgets should be no
more, and where Ill-choked meals
should become a mechanical Impossi
bility. Tae boon we had been sighing
for now presented Itself for my accept
ance, an accomplished fact. Harrison
Kly had Invented "An Automatlo
Household Beneficent Genius. A Prac
tical Rellsatlon of the Fabled Familiar
of the Middle Aires." 80 the circular
set forth.
Returning; to the letter. I read that
Harrison Kly. having; exhausted his
means In working; out his Invention,
was unable to manufacture hla "ma
chine" In quantity as yet: but that ha
had Just two on hand which he would
sell In order to raise some ready money.
He hoped that I would buy one of his
Terse Tales From
RELF-DKFKXSE.
Daniel It Grady, a young lawyer
of Portage, la one of tho best story
teller in Wisconsin, and many time
his gift haa helped win a bard-fought
Usult
80m months ago Mr. Grady was
trying an assault and battery damage
suit, appearing for the plaintiff. The
defendant had struck the first blow,
but set up self-defense because the
other fellow had responded and in tho
fight which followed more than beld
hla own. Mr. Grady. In discussing tho
rase, said that in actions-of this kind
it was customary to set up the de
fense of self-defense. Then he told
this story to illustrate Ms point:
A man nml Hogan ran a saloon
liown tn Chicago near tha Rush Medi
cal College. One eight a buncn of stu
dent fixed up a cadaver and brought
It Into the saloon and stood It up
against the bar.
"After all had had a drink the boys
walked out. leaving the dead man
standing at the bar.
'Yea owe me SO cents, said Hogan.
adresslng the radarer.
"The cadaver said nothing, and Ho
ran. who was quick tampered, walked
around and smote the dad man on the
Jaw, knocking the body down. Then
the students rushed In and one of
them knelt down and pretended to
listen to the cadaver's heart. A scared
look came Into the student's face as
he rose to his feet.
" 'You've killed him. TTogan, be said
solemnly.
"Hogan stooped and listened and
then a cunning light came Into his
eyes.
- "'I admit I hit 'Ira. byes.' said Ho
gan. "but I had to do It. Tho spalpeen
drew a knife on me.'" Detroit Free
Tres.
Jt7fT HIS LUCK.
The lady bather had got Into a bole,
nd she couldn't swim, ray Tlt-Blta.
Nor could tho young man on tho end
of the pier, but when she came up for
tho first time and he caught sight of
her faro he shrieked:
"Help!-
A burly fisherman sauntered to Ms
aloe.
"Wof up?" he hoarsely cried.
"My wifel Drowning! I can't swim!
Twenty pounds for yon If you cava
berr
In a moment the fisherman waa in
the sea. In another moment he was
out of It. with the rescued lady bather.
Swelling with expectation bo ap
proached the young man again.
"Well, what about that SO quid? bo
asked.
But If the young man's face bad been
ashen gray before. 1 was deadly pale
aa he gased upon tha features of tha
rwovrlng 4a mo.
"Y-o-s. I know." he csspod. "But
when I made the offer I thought It
was mT wtfo who was -drownioK. and
automatons, and aid him to sell the
ot her.
Never did a request come at a more
propitious moment. I had always en
tertained a kindness for Harrison Ely,
and now such wss my disgust at the
incompetence of Bridget and Juliana
and their predecessors that I was eager
to stake the price of a "Household
Beneficent Genius" on the success of
my friend's Invention.
So, having grasped the purport of the
circulars and letter. I broke forth to
my wife:
"My dear, you've heard me speak of
Harrison Ely "
"That man who la always so near
doing something great, and never baa
done anything?" said ah.
"He haa done It at laetr I declared.
"Harrison Ely Is one of the greatest
geniuses the world haa ever aeen. He
haa Invented an 'Automatic-Electric
Machine-Servant.'
Mr wife said. Ohr
There was not an atom of enthusiasm
In that "Oal" but I waa not to be
daunttd.
"I am readv." I resumed, "to Invest
my bottom dollar In two of Harrison
Kir s machine-servants.
Her eyes were fixed upon me aa If
ther would read my very aoul. " nal
do they costT" she mildly asked. '
"In comparison with thei beneflta to
be derived, little enough. Listen:
seised a circular at random, and began
to read:
"The automatlo household genius, a
veritable domestic fairy, swift, silent.
sure: a permanent. Inalienable, nrst-
class servant, warranted to give satis
faction.
"An:" said my wife: and the enthu
stasm that waa lacking in the "Oh!'
made Itself eloquent In that AhP
What Is the price T she asked aga!.
"Tha price is all right, and we are
going to try the experiment.
"Are we though?" said she, between
doubt and desire.
"Most assuredly: It will be a saving
In the end. I shall write to Harrison
Ely this very night."
The return mall brought me a reply
stating that two Electric-Automatic
Household Beneflcent Qenlusea had
been shipped me by express. Tha
letter enclosed a pamphlet that gave
a more particular account of the E. A.
H. B. G. than the circulars contained.
My friend's Invention was shaped In
the likeness of the human figure, with
body. head. arms. legs, hands and feet.
It waa clad in waterproof cloth, with a
hood of tha same to protect the head,
and was shod with felt. The trunk con
tained the wheels and springs, and In
the uead waa fixed the electric battery.
The face, of bisque, waa described aa
possessing "a very natural and pleas
ing expression."
Just at dusk an oblong box arrived
by express and waa duly delivered in
our hall, but at my wife's urgent en
treaty I consented not to unpack the
machines until next day.
"If we should, not get the knack of
managing; them, they might give ua
trouble." said this wise wife of mine. -
I agreed to this, and, having sent
away Bridget with a vA'i wage, to
the satisfaction of all parties, we went
to bed In high hopes.
Early next morning we were astir.
"My dear," I said, "do not give your
self the least concern about breakfast:
I am determined that Harrlaon'a in
vention shall have fair play."
"Very well." my wife assented; but
he prudently administered bread and
butter to her offspring.
I opened tha oblong box. where lay
the automatom side by side, their
hand placidly folded upon their water
proof breasts, and their eyea looking
placidly expectant from under their
waterproof hoods.
I confess the sight gave me shock. I
50Mt0f-THEQllPSJE5TS
Humorous Pens
now now It turns out to be my wife's
mother!" "
The fisherman pulled a lonjr face.
"Just my luck!" he muttered, thrust
ing his hand Into his trousers' pocket.
"How much do I owa you?"
M I S CX DERS TOOD.
F. H. Elliott, secretary of tho Ameri
can Automobile Association, waa talk
ing about an unjust automobile law to
a New Tork Sua roan.
"ThI law la due." he said, "to a mis
understanding of tho automoblllst'a
character an unfortunate misunder
standing that reminds me of Dr. Cutler.
"Dr. Cutler waa making hla rounds
In his electric runabout one morning
when he had tho bad luck to bump Into
and upset a pedestrian. Tho doctor
looked behind, and seeing tho man still
uplne on the road, be turned hla run
about and camo bark. Intending to stop
beside tho poor fellow and help hlm.
"But tho car shot a yard or two be
yond the mark and hit the man again
just as he was getting up. with a
groan he fell back and the horrified
doctor turned Ms runabout once more
and this time approached with greater
caution.
"As he alowly and carefully steered
toward his unforunate victim, an ex
cited spectator shouted from the side
walk: 'Look out. he's coming at you
again!'
"Thereupon the man scrambled up
and ran away as fast a a painful limp
would let him."
BtXK.
Tho curtoua person bad opened a con
versation with tha fat woman In th
sideshow, says the Chicago Tribune.
"Are your parent living:' ho asked.
"Yes. sir."
"Have they' a large family T"
"Rather large, sir." answered tho fat
woman. "I'm tho family."
BOOKED IX HISTORY.
A young girl who attended a dance,
but had not been formally Introduced
Into society, found herself confronted
with tho serious responsibility of en
tertaining her first young man caller,
according to tho Chicago Evening Post.
Ho had asked permission to call after
having danced with her, and an ap
pointment was mad for several even
ings distant.
Th girl had no worldly education,
and was considerably flustered over the
prospects of having to keep tho con
versation up to a gentle boll. Her
friends assured her that conversation
was not difficult, once started, but that
there must bo some reliances on
standard topics when an acquaintance
wa Just forming. The young man
was college-bred, they pointed-out. and
probably familiar with literature,
music, art or history.
Historx! ' r-
Anna Maria turned pale: tha children
hid their face in her skirls.
"Once out of the box." I raid to my
elf. "and the horror will be over."
The machines atood on their feet ad
mirably, but the horror was not ma
terially loosened by this change of po
sition. However, I assumed a bold
front, and said, Jocosely:
"Now. which Is Bridget, and which Is
Juliana which the cook, and which the
housemaid T
This distinction was made clear by
dial-plates and Indicators, set consplc
nously between the shoulders, an open
lng being cut In the waterproof for that
purpose. The housemaid s dial-plate
was stamped around the clrcumferance
with tho words. Bed. Broom. Duster,
Door-bell. Dlnlng-roora Service, Parlor
Service, etc In like manner the cook's
dial-plate bore the words that pertained
to her department. I gave myself first
to "setting" the housemaid, aa being;
the simpler of the two.
"Now, my dear," aald I. confidently,
we ahall aee how thla Juliana can
make the beds."
I proceeded, according to the pam
phlet's directions, to point the Indicator
to tho word "Bed." Next, as there were
three beds to bo made, I pushed In
three of the five little red points sur
rounding1 the word. Then I set the
"clock" connected with the Indicator,
for a 10 minutes' Job. thinking It might
take about ten minutes C3"a bed. I did
not consult my wife, for women do not
understand machinery, and any sugges.
tlon of healtancy on my part would
have demoralized her.
The last thing to b done was to con
nect the indicator with the battery, a
simple enough performance In itself,
but the pamphlet of directions gave a
repeated and red-lettered "caution,'
never to Interfere with the machine
while It waa at work! I therefore .is
sued the command. "Non-combatant to
the rear!" and waa promptly obeyed.
WBCS
That waa an Inspiration, and ho be
gan to read It with avidity.
Tho evening came, and with It the
young man. He presented her with
som Jong-stemmd roses, told her she
looked charming, referred to tho pleas
ure ho had had In dancing with her,
and rattled on with the rest of the
-usual opening chorus.
Then ho paused, leaned back and
crossed his legs.
The girl changed color several times,
choked momentarily and said:
-Wasn't that a perfectly terrible
thing about Mary Queen of Scot!"
FOOLS AXD THEIR CURIOSITY.
Aa a result of a wager, says tho
Cleveland Plain Dealer, th following
advertisement was recently printed in
a New Tork paper:
"I promise nothing. I engsge to per
form nothing, but send me 25 cents In
stamps. Perhaps there Is a little sur
prise In store for you. Address Hi,
Evening Ledger."
The Impudence and apparent candor
of this cool appeal met with Immense
success. Stamps poured In for several
days. No fraud order could stop It.
Had the bet not been won and lost
In short time It might be running yet.
HAD EXrKRIEXCE.
. "Be truthftil." said the teacher.
"Always?" asked the boy.
"Always." answered the teacher.
"Never tell a lie?"
"Never."
"Not even a white He?"
"Not even a white lie."
"Huh!" ejaculated the lad, scorn
fully. "It's a good thing for you you
ain't a boy with my dad for a father."
"Why r' asked tho teacher.
"Because." replied the boy. "If you
waa my dad's little boy. an you heard
what he said about Aunt Eliza comln
to visit us with her children, an' Aunt
Eliza had asked you If you weren't all
glad to see her, an' you told the truth,
like I did, you'd think there was a
place where your trousers was mighty
thin after dad had finished with you."
II went back to his desk, and as he
at down with great care there waa an
expression on his face that showed the
great lesson of truth. had been, at least
In a measure, lost on him. Tit-Bits.
SUPPLY IS UXFAILIXG.
President Johnson, of the American
Leagu. waa pointing out to a sporting
editor of tho St. Louis Globe-Democrat
th wonderful money-making possibil
ities of the baseball business.
"Baseball Is Ingrained In our people."
h said. "They give their time and
money to baseball, though the heavens
falL There's a spice of truth in the
story ot the boss who said to his office
boy'
WelL Henry, I don't see how you'll
get to any of tho games this season, as
your grandmother died twice while
football was on.'
"'You should have known better
than that.' he replied. My grandfather
has married again, much, against tho
wishes ot tha family.' "
I jj
What happened next I do not pre
tend to account for. By what subtle
and -mysterious action of electricity, by
what unerring affinity, workng through
a marvelous mechanism, that Electric
Automatic Household Beneficent Genius
whom or which, for short we called
Juliana, sought Its appropriate task, la
the Inventor's secret. I don't undertake
to explain, I merely narrate. With a
"click" the connection was made, and
the new Juliana went upstairs at a
brisk and businesslike pace.
We followed In breathless amazement.
In less than five minutes, bed number
one was made, and In a twinkling the
second one vn taken In hand, and
number three also was fairly aecom
plished. long before tho allotted 30 mln
utos had expired. By this time, famil
iarity had somewhat dulled that awe
and wonder with which we had gaped
upon the first performance, and I be
held a smtls of hopeful satisfaction on
my wife's anxious countenance.
Our youngest, a boy aged 3. was quick
to feel the genial influence of this smile
and. encouraged there.br, he bounced
Into tho middle of the first bed. Hardly
had ha alighted there when our au
tomaton, having finished making the
third bed, returned to her first Job, and
before we could imagine mischief, the
mattresses were Jerked about, and the
child was tumbled, headforemost on tho
Hoof.
Had theS flesh-and-blood Juliana been
guilty of such an act, she should have
been dismissed on the spot; but. as It
was, no one of us ventured, so much as
a remonstrance. My wlfo lifted the
screaming child, and the Imperturbable
machine went on to readjust the bed
with mechanical exactitude.
At thla point a wild shout of mingled
exultation, amazement and terror arose
from below, and we hastened down
stairs t find our son John hugging hi
elbow and capering frantically In front
of the kitchen door, where the electrlo
cook vii stirring empty nothing In a
pan. with a zeal worthy a dozen eggs.'
My eldest hopeful, impelled by mat
spirit of enterprise and audacity char
acteristic of 9-year-old boys, had ven
tured to experiment with the kitchen
automatom, and by sheer accident had
effected a working connection between
the battery and tho indicator, and the
machine, in "going off," had given the
boy a blow that made him feel, as he
expressed It, "like a funny-bone all
over.
'And served you right-" cried I. Tho
thing was set for an hour and a half of
work, according to the showing of the
dial-plate, and no chance to stop it be
fore I must leave for my office, naa
the materials been supplied, wo might
have had breakfast; but, remembering
the red-lettered "caution," we dared not
supply materials while that Indefatiga
ble spoon was gyrating In the empty
pan. For my distraction, Kitty, my
daughter of 7 years, now called to me
from upstairs:
"Papa, you better come, quick: its
-tearln up these beds!"
"My dear," I sighed, "there's no way
to stop It. We'll have to wait for the
works to run down. I must call Harri
son's attention to this defect. He ought
to provide some sort of brake."
Wa went upstairs again. The B. G.
Juliana stood beside the bed which she
had Just torn up for the sixth or sev
enth time, when suddenly she became,
so to speak, paralyzed; her arms. In the
act of spreading the sheets, dropped by
her sides, her back stiffened, and she
stood absolutely motionless, leaving her
Job unfinished the B. G. would move
no more until duly "set" again.
I now discovered that I was hungry.
"If that Fiend In the kitchen were only
at work about something substantial.
Instead of whipping the air Into Imag
inary omelettes!" I groaned.
Quips and Flings
"Life Isn't worth living." sighed tho
sad-featured man.
"I quite agree with you," said tho
solemn-looking stranger.
"Ah. then you. too, ara a pessimist,
said the sad-featured man.
"No: I'm an undertaker," replied he
of the solemn visage. Chicago Tribune,
"So you don't caro much for life, in a
large city?" '
"No," replied Farmer CorntosseL "The
population of a large city Is composed
too largely of folks that went there
with money an' had to stay there 'cause
they was broke." Washington Star.
Ashley Every time I buy a new au
tomobile I depoklt $5000 in the bank.
Seymour Why do -you do that?"
Ashley So aa to have a fund I can
draw on to pay for repairs. Chicago
News.
"Ler.d me a dollar, old chap; I get
paid tomorrow."
"Haven't got it. old scout; I got paid
yesterday." Puck.
Toacher What is the capital of
Ohio? Think carefully; It was named
after one of the greatest men that ever
lived.
"Jack Johnson." Llfei.
Guest By the way, what kind of a
sandwich la this? I enjoy it, but I can't
figure out what it Is made of.
Hostess That Is what wo call a mag
aslne poem sandwich. Tou like It. but
you don't understand It. Chicago
News.
"But In this country," said the Vis
count, "you have no ancient institu
tions." "O, haven't we?" th beautiful heir
ess replied. "You ought to see the
bridge club to which mamma belongs."
Chicago Record-Herald.
"Could I Interest you In our orange
grove proposition?"
"Nope. I have already put all my
money Into a fruit orchard."
"Where T"
"On my wife's hat." Houston Post.
Kate Maude Is married and she
doesn't know the first thing about
housekeeping.
Alice Yes, she does; the first thing
is to get a husband to keep house for.
Stray Stories.
"How does your husband spent) his
evenings?" '
"He stays at home' and thinks up
schemes to make money."
"And what do you do with yourself
while he's thus occupied?"
"Oh, I think up schemes to spend St."
Boston Transcript.
Miss Budd What do you think of tho
coming man?
Miss Spinster I think he must have
met with an accident. Harper's Ba
ss r. 1
"YoutacT, In th overalls!" snouted.,
Ti n j r-n"n n -x
Wil h
y v is
"Never mind." said my wife; "I've a
not of coffee on tho kerosene stove.'
Bless her! She was worth a thousand
Beneficent Geniuses, and so I told her.
I did not return until late, but I was
"in good spirits, and I greeted my wlfo
gayly:
"Well, how do they work 7"
"Like fiends!" my usually placid help
meet replied, so vehemently that I was
alarmed. "They flagged at first," sho
proceeded, excitedly, "and I oiled them
which I am not going to do, ever again.
According to the directions. I poured
the oil down their throats. It was hor
rible! They seemed to me to drink It
greedily!
"Nonsense I That's your Imagina
tion."
"Very well." said Anna Maria. "You
can do the oiling in future. They took
a good deal this morning: it wasn't
easy to stop pouring It down. And they
ywercJtzL mm jhaz ttss
worked obstreperously. That Fiend in
the kitchen has cooked all the provi
sions I am going to supply this day, but
still she goes on, and It's no use to say
a word."
Don't be absurd," I remonstrated.
"The thing Is only a machine."
I am not so sure about that! she
retorted. "As for tho other one I set
It sweeping, and It Is sweeping still!"
We ate tho dinner prepared by the
kitchen Fiend, and really, I was tempt
ed to compliment tho cook In a set
speech, but recollected myself in time
to spare Anna Maria the triumph, of
saying, "I told you so!"
Now. that John of mine, still In pur
suit of knowledge, had spent the day
studying Harrison Ely's pamphlet, and
he learned that the machines could be
set. like an alarm-clock, for any given
hour. Therefore, as soon as the Juliana
bad collapsed over a pile of dust in the
middle of the hall, .John, unknown to
us. set her Indicator to the broom-han
dle for 7 o'clock the following morning.
When the Fiend in the kitchen ran
down, leaving everything in confusion.
my much-tried wife persuaded me to
give my exclusive attention to that ma
chine, and the Juliana was put safely in
a corner. Thus it happened that John a
Interference escaped detection. I set
c un
the cross-examining lawyer, "how much
are you paid for telling untruths?
"Less than you are." retorted the wit
ness, "or you'd be In overalls, too."
Housekeeper.
Maud Muller had Just refused the
Judge
"Marry a fellow who may lose his
Ion anv moment on the recall?" She
sniffed. "Not much!"
Herewith she smiled on a farmer in
stead. New York Sun.
"What I say to rr.y wife goes."
"Does it, really?"
"Yes. in about two days It's all over
the neighborhood."
-
"Wo Hnn't hear mnrh about Omar
Khayyam any more.''
"No. Let's see. what team was ha
with?" Chicago Record-Herald. 0
"Mr. Whtlkcr. I have seen It stated
that women's feet are becoming larger,
How about that?"
"There may be some truth In It, "but
among all my customers I don t know
a single one that It applies to, madam.
Chicago Tribune.
.
He (rejected), Then you regard me
merely as a Summer lover, a conveni
ent escort to excursions and picnics?
She That's about the case, George. I
have looked upon you as a lover in the
plcnlckian sense only. Boston Tran
script. '
"Ho used to be a straight enough
young chap. What made him get
crooked?"
"Trying to make both ends meet. I
believe." Toledo Blade.
Maid Please, mum. there's a man at
the door with a wooden leg.
"We don't want any today, thank
you, Sarah." Slmplicisslmus.
. "A man Is a fool to Introduce an at
tractive man to the girl he Is engaged
to."
"I think so. too. Come over here a
minute. I want you to meet my fian
cee." Houston Post.
"I wonder why a woman repeats
everything you tell her?"
"My dear boy, a woman has but two
views of a secret. Either It's not worth
keeping or It's too good to be kept."
Judge.
"Rather a backward Summer."
"What makes you thinw so?"
c ono of thA nplsrhbors has
been over to borrow my suitcase."
Detroit Free Press.
Wife The paper says fair for tomor
row, John.
Husband Nonsense! I've just spent
four hours watering the plants; It al
ways rains Immediately afterward.
Chicago News.
t-. nv rtt von r bovlsh ambitions
ever realized?" asked the sentimental
ist.
"Yea," replied the practical person.
When my mother used to cut my hair
I often wished I might be bald-
headed." Washington btar, ,
v
Bridget's Indicator for kitchen-cleaning
at 7:30 the next morning.
"When wo understand them bettor,"
I said to my wife, "wa will set their
morning tasks for an earlier hour, but
we won't put it too early now, since wa
.must first learn their ways."
"That's the trouble with all new serv
ants." said Anna Maria.
The next morning at 7:30, precisely,
we were awakened by a commotion in
tha kitchen.
"By George Washington!" I ex
claimed. "The thing's on time!"
I needed no urging to make me for
sake my pillow, but Anna Maria was
ahead of me.
"Now, my dear, don't get excited
I exhorted, but In vain.
' "Don't you hear!" she whispered, in
terror. "The other one! swe-eep
lng!" And she darted from the room
I paused to listen, and heard the
patter of three pairs of little bare feet
across the hall upsta r. The children
were following their mother The next
sound I heard was like the dragging
of a rug along the floor. I recognized
this peculiar sound as the footsteps
of the 33. H. Then came a dull" thud,
mingled with a shout from Johnnlo, a
scream from my wits, and the terrific
cries of the two younger children. I
rushed out just in time to see John, In
his nlghtclothes, with hfs hair on end,
tear downstairs like a streak of llgltt
nlng. My little Kitty and the 3-year-old
baby stood clasped in each other's
arms at the head of the stairs, sobbing
in terror, and, half way down, was
my wife, leaning over the railing, with
ashen face and rigid body, her. fascin
ated gaze fixed upon' a dark and strug
gling mass In the hall below.
John, when he reached the bottom
of the stairs, began capering like a
goat gone mad. digging the floor with
his bare heels, clapping "pis hands with
an awful glee, and snouting.
"Bet your bottom .dollar on the one
that whips!"
The Juliana and the Bridget were
fighting. for the broom!
I comprehended the situation intui
tively. The kitchen-cleaning, for which
the Fiend had been "sent," had reached
noint that demanded the broom, and
that subtle, attractive affinity, which
my friend's genius had known how to
produce, but had not learned to regu
late. Impelled the unerring automaton
towards the only broom in the house.
which was now In the hands of its
fellow-automaton, and a struggle was
Inevitable. What I could not under
stand Johnnie having kept his own
counsel was this uncontrollable
sweeping Impulse that possessed tho
Juliana.
However, this was no time for m-
vpRtlratlnir the exact cause of the ter
rific row now going on In our front
hall. The Beneficent Geniuses had each
firm grit of the broom-handle, una
they might have performed the sweep
ing very amicably together, could they
have agreed as to the field of labor,
but their conflicting tendencies on this
point brought about a rotary motion
that sent them spinning around the
hall, and kept them alternately crack
ing each other"a head with a violence
that ought to have drawn blood. Con
sidering their lifellkeness, we should
hardly have thought it strange If blood
had flowed, and it would have been a
relief had 'the combatants but called
each other names, so much did their
dumbness Intensify the horror of "a
struggle. In the midst of which the
waterproof hoods fell off. revealing
their startllngly human countenances,
not distorted by angry passions, but
resolute. Inexorable, calm, as though
each was sustained In the contest by
a lofty sense of duty.
Among the Poets
She Giggled.
I went out to walk with Miss Nelllo
ono day.
And as wo two strolled through the
park
Z noticed she seemed quite congenial
and gay.
More happy by far than a lark
And whenever I made a remark even
plain
She would always a -giggle outpour;
And then when I asked her to kindiy
explain.
She giggled then giggled some more.
Then in tho evening we went to the
1 .1 aiYin,,fvti ' was a. trsaredv deeD
She did not th slightest emotion dis
play. But giggled while others would weep.
She giggled a bit when tho hero was
And as the bride came through th
door
To marry the villain whose conduct had
thrilled
She giggled then giggled some more.
60 I asked the young lady to tell me
Just why
Her system contained so much mirth.
Arrd how she could giggle when others
would cry.
And when happiness seemed at a
dearth.
So she said her new hat had the latest
shaped frame.
The only one like it In store.
And that no other lady could get tha
same.
Then she giggled and giggled some
more.
John L. Hobble, in Puck.
A Real Farm.
He spent some days upon a farm.
And found it queer.
No gay quartet was there to charm
With vocal cheer.
No sextet danced upon the grass
In costumes bright.
They had a milkmaid; but, alas.
She was a fright.
The hired man was a solemn chap,
Who seldom spoke.
And didn't seem to care a rap
About a Joke.
But we. as to his shattered dreams.
Might fill a page.
Farm life is seldom as it seems
Upon the stage.
The) IroameT.
Ho dreamed of proud achievements that
were to be his own;
He had the splendid visions that to the
, great are shown; .
He looked far In the future, beholding
wonders there
That to the world were hidden; -his gift
was rare and fair.
"They're alive! Kill . 'em quick!"
shrieked my wife, as the gyrating cou
ple moved towards the staircase.
"Let 'em alone," said Johnnie tils
sporting blood, which he Inherits from
his father, thoroughly, roused dancing
about the automatic pugilists In de
light, and alternately encouraging tha
one or the other to increased efforts.
Thus the fight went on with appall
ing reckless courage on both shies,
my wife wringing her hands upon tho
staircase, our Infants wailing In ter
ror upon the- landing above, and I
wavering between an honest desire to
see fair play and an apprehensive dread
of consequences which was not unjusti
fied. In one of their frantic gyrations' tho
figures struck the hatrack and prompt
ly converted It Into a mass of splinters.
In a minute more they became Involved
with . a rubber plant the pride of my i
wife's heart and distributed It Im
partially all over the premises. From
this they caromed against the front
door, wrecking both its stained glass
panes, and then down the length of
the hall they sped again, fighting
fiercely and dealing one another's Im
perturbable countenances ringing blows
with the disputed broom.
We became aware through Johnnie's
excited comments, that Juliana had
lost an ear in the fray, and presently
It was discernible that a fractured nose
had somewhat modified the set genial
ity of expression that had distinguished
Bridget's face In its prime
. How this fierce and equal combat
would have culminated if further pro
longed no one but Harrison Ely can
conjecture, but it came to an abrupt
termination as the parlor clock chimed
8, the hour when the .two automatons
should have completed their appointed
tasks.
Though quite late at my office hat
morning, I wired Ely before attending
to business. Long-haired; gaunt and
haggard, but cheerful as ever, he- ar
rived next day, on fire with enthusi
asm. He could hardly be persuaded to
refresh himself with a cup of coffee be
fore he took his two recalcitrant Genl- .
uses In hand. It was curious to see
him examine each machine, much as a
physician would examine a patient.
Finally his brow cleared, he gave a
little puff of satisfaction, and ex
claimed: "Why, man alive, there's nothing the
matter not a thing! What you con
sider a defect Is really a merit merely
a surplus of mental energy. They've
had too big a dose of oil. Few house
keepers have any Idea about proper
lubrication," and he emitted another
little snort, at which my wife colored
guiltily.
"I see just what's wanted," he re
sumed. "The will-power generated and
not immediately expended becomes
cumulative and gets beyond contro'.
I'll introduce a little compensator, to
take up the excess and reg 1 11 tie
flow. Then a child can operate thorn "
It was now Johnnie's turn to blush.
"Snip 'em right back to the factory,
and we'll have 'em all right in a few
days. 1 see where the mechanism can
be grearly lirpioved, and when you
get 'em again I know you'll never con
sent to part w;th "em!"
m m m
That was four months ago. Th.
"Domestic Fairies" have not yet been
returned from Harrison's laboratory,
but I am confidently looking for the
familiar oblong packing case, and ex
pect any day to see In the papers the
lirospectus of tho syndicate which Ely
Informs me is being "promoted" to
manufacture his automat: housemaid.
(Copyright by Bhort Story Tub. Co.)
of the Daily Press
He dreamed of great advances that mem
should bring about;
H dreamed of peace triumphant, and
. of war's final rout;
He dreamed of labor's triumph, of want
and wrong and greed.
With sin and sickness banished; the
world from sorrow freed.
He had such dreams as poets and con
querors have dreamed;
But on his brow no chaplet, no wreath
of laurel gleamed;
To him there came no honors, no tri
umph made him glad;
He had his splendid visions but they
were all he had.
S. E. Kiser, In Chicago Record-Herald.
ORXITHOLOGICAL.
Our robin Is never a robin at all,
But a thrush, and akin to the linnet
Unless it gets busy in your cherry tree
Then a-robbin' It is every minute.
Brave bird the crow, it
Dareg any weather.
And did you ever know it
To jshow the white feather?
"Oh, for the .wings of a dove;" hear
solemn mortals long.
Making It the burden of lugubrious
song.
But hear -me chirp. In notes that
quicken,
"Oh, for the wings of a fat broiled
chicken."
The eagle is a nobis bird,
Imperious, soaring high;
The pigeon Is of humbler mold.
But makes a better pie.
"To-hoo! To-hoo! To-hoo!"
Hear the night owl gurgla and stani
mer.
Its language is plain, it Is true.
But how dreadfully off is Its gram-
mar!
New .York Sun. i
A POLAR DASH.
Twas Saturday night, and six men
dashed
For the Pole, each deep perplexed;
Each one wanted to be tho first one
there
When the barber shouted "Next!"
' Baltimore Sun.
Deficient.
Mary had a little lamb,
But. it was not enough.
According to the present styla
It woaldn't make a muff.
Harper's Bazar.
VAXITY.
There was a famous tenor.
Whose voice could reach high C
And still he found that be was not
Adverse to flatter E.
. e Kew. YorK Tlmef , j