TIIE SUNDAY OREGOXIAN, PORTLAND, JULY 23, 1911.
llG5 PI 1
GUM cam
I UJ 1 fTs . iXN. II 'I I
Terse Tales From
IID SIIK MEAN IT THAT WAY?
"Dear Teacher." wrote little Edith's
mother. "please excuse Edith 'for not
com'.ti to school yesterday. she fell
Jn the gutter. Itr doing the Mm you
ill greatly oblige her mother."
Youth Companion.
DFPEWS nFST COMPLIMENT.
Senator Depew. at a dinner In Ma
lienor In New Turk. said of hla notable
oratorical gtft:
Z have received many compliment
on mr skltl at after-dinner speaking,
hut the nalreat compliment of all cam
from an up-state farmer.
"Senator said he. "you might have
trpnold anil recover, you might hare
pneumonia and recover, you might have
ye!;or fever and re rover. Iul If you
evee get lix kjiv you'd bust!" " Phila
delphia Record. '
TAKING NO CHANCES.
Amonc (he coffee drlnkera a nigh
place must be iclven to Hlsmarrk. ac
cording to the l.on.lon Chronicle, lie
liked coffee unadulterated. While with
the Prussian army In France he one
day entered a country Inn and asked
the host If he had any chicory In the
house, lie hd- Bismarck said: "Well,
brine; It to me: all you have. The man
obeyed and handed Bismarck a canister
full of chicory.
"Are you sure this I all you have?"
demanded the chancellor.
"Ye, my lord, every grain."
"Then." said Bismarck, keeping the
canister by him. "go now and make me
pot of coffee.
NATURAL rnii.ooriiv.
Tit Bits.
Tp4." said the hopeful youth, "can
you tell me what la natural philos
ophy?" "Of roon. I can." paid papa, proud
and relieved to find that there waa at
least aomethlna he cou!d tell hla off
spring. "Natural philosophy la the sci
ence of cause and reason. Now. for In
stance, you pee the ateam coming; out
of the snout of the kettle, but you don't
know why or for what reason It does
sow and"
"Oh, but I do. paper" chirped the hone
of the household. The reason the
team comes out of the kettle Is so that
mamma may open your letters without
jour knowlnc It." Tit Bits.
BANG I P- ETHICS.
Senator Brown, according to the New
"York Tribune, apropos of. the marital
misadventures of a young multimillion
aire, said at a dmnrcln Washington:
"The trouble Is that too many of our
Id: rich young men think that among
their many rights In Included the right
to do wrong.
They are. In truth, as foolish In this
yepect as the maidservant who said:
" Tvo got a place among the top
jrotchers for sure this time. They're
lni-op aristocrats I live with now.
"'What do you mean by bang-up aristocrats?-
friend asked.
"Oh she replied. "I mean places
where they have three kinds of wine
and the ladles smoke and the men
ear "
PROVIDING TIIE DIAMOND.
The baseball fan was feeling senti
mental, says the Boston Traveler. The
game was over, and the sun had set and
the moon had risen, and now the fan
was with his lady love, trying to hand
her a few hot ones.
"I feel." he remarked, en passant (he
got this stuff trom a Summer novel),
that with you to cheer me on. I could
et (here he lost hla lines and rmd
to fake), "that I could grab off any
pennant the big league waa offering."
Iet me get you right." Interrupted
the lady. "You want me to sit In the
bleachers and yell while you line 'em
out. eh?"
"That's the dope." he answered,
rather surprised thst she got his
knightly Idea so rapidly. She was to
cheer him on to victory, and a clifnce
up to where her dear eyes were Chining;
well, you get It.
"If that's the case." continued the
BY MAT KELLT.
O this is the wonderful garden
you wanted me to stay home and
work in this afternoon?"
Mm WORKS!
"Ye. Jimmy."
"'Well. I'm certainly easy. How'd
I ever happen to promise anything so
foolish?"
-Because every evening when I
asked you to help met you said you
would rather wait tin Saturday after
noon, and do It all at one stretch."
-Gad! I'm all right on the stretch."
with a mighty yawn. "Get my pipe,
won't you. little one?"
-Now Jimmy. If you get to smoking
you'll do nothing else all afternoon!"
-Run along like a goor girl now, and
grt sum matches too. Smoklng'a good
for plnts.
-Will you help me then?".
"Sure! Sure; By the way. what Is
this, a a vegetable garden, or a f low-T-r
carden?"
-Why. Jimmy! Didn't we have let
tuce out of It last night? Can't you
tell flowers. Jimmy?"
"Yes. yes. 1 can tell flowers wheth
er they're on your hat or In the flor
ist's window that they cost a ripping
lot too much, but there's nothing In
this bark yard but a few straggling.
alck:y-iooklng '"
-Jimmy!:'"
-Chunks of green that may turn out
to be most anything when they arrive
at voting age! I really thought It was
a weed factory, but f-tt afraid I might
hurt your feelings If I called It that."
" J mmy. there's not one weed there!"
Things are going to the bow-wows
If w can't even raise weeds."
"And my cranberries won't come up,
and they've been planted ever so long
now !"
-Haven't you Investigated, turned up
the ground, so to speak 7"
vee. j rve looked down under
neath Just a little tiny way. but I can't
see anything. They must need more
-aun."
The quickest way to get thing up,
much better than the sun "
-What. Jimmy, fertiliser?"
"No. let the neighbor chickens In!
Then you can study the structure of
your plants from the ground floor up,"
-Jimmy. I think you're perfectly hor
rid -Well. I got the Idea from your cat
alogue here. Explain why catalogues al
ways have a picture In the bark of a
strong, yellow-legged chicken?"
-I I don't know.
Humorous Pens
fair dame, "the- grounds will have to
be laid off In a little better shape. So
far I haven't been able to see the dia
mond." lie wised up and was there with the
spark the neat night. And the game
wasn't called off on account of dark
ness, believe us.
TAKING XO CHANCES.,
There's a certain minister who-
duties sometimes call him out or the
city. He has always arranged for
some on of his parishioners to keep
company with hla wife and little
daughter during these absences. Re
cently, however, he was called away
so suddenly that he had no opportun
ity of providing a guardian, according
to an Exchange.
The wife waa Terr brave during the
early evening, but after dark tier cour
age began to falL She stayed up with
her Utile girl till there was no ex
cuse for staying any longer, and then
took her upstairs to bed.
"Now. go to sleep, dearie" she said.
"Don't bo afraid. God will protect
TP"-"
"Yes. mother." answered the little
girl: "that's all Tight tonight, but the
next time let's mako better arrange
ments." UNCONVENTIONALITIES.
This is a little past -our dinner hour.
Mrs. Whelkley, but we're waiting; for
you to go."
-I'm glad you've brought a box of
randy this evening. Sir. Kathertop: It
will relieve the monotony Immensely."
"Nan. dear, you'd look charming in
that short-sleeved waist If you arms
weren't so scrawney."
""Gentlemen. Senator IOtamiin wishes
me to say that he appreciates the eionor
of this serenade, but the musio you
are making Is the worst he ever
heard."
"I'm not going to thank you. sir. for
giving me your seat: you ought to have
offered It to me half an hour ago."
"I'd be willing to marry you. Mr.
Snulggles. perhaps. If mother would
quit egging me on."
""Au revolr" means 'till we meet
again.' doesn't It. Mrs. Weerlus? Then
I II simply say good night." Chicago
Tribune.
ALTOGETHER TOO PARTICULAR.
Iord Talbot Demalahlde was talking
In New York, says the Milwaukee News,
about the thoroughness of the customs
Investigations. ,
The smuggler." he said. "Is bound
to be detected If he tries his little game
In your metropolis. The smuggler's
precautions against detection at this
port are as vain and ludicrous as the
precautions of the dreaming Irishman.
"An Irishman, you know, once
dreamed that he waa visiting the late
Queen Victoria.
"Win you have a drink?" the Queen
aid to him.
" "I will said the Irishman. A drop
of Irish, of coorse, hot by preference,
your Majesty
"So the Queen put on the kettle, but
when the water boiled the noise awoke
the dreamer.
"St. Patrick r aald he. Til take It
cold next time"
HOT INTERESTED.
Governor Tener. of Pennsylvania,
says the Cosmopolitan. Is sn Inveterate
smoker, and choice as to his selection
of cigars. Lighting a Havana recently,
he said:
The Londoners sre indifferent about
their tobacco Indifferent and blase,
like an omnibus conductor I saw in Ox
ford street.
"You know the London omnibus? It
is a double-decker. If you sit on top
you must go up and down by a very
steep stairway.
"Well, this blase conductor pulled up
his 'bus at Regent Circus, and the
ladles bound for Teter Robinson's eag
erly got out. But one fat lady, who
had been sitting on top, came down the
steep and winding stairs very slowly.
Her skirt flspped around her ankles,
and at every step she stopped and
thrust It carefully down. The conduc
tor wslted with a bored expression, his
-Should think it would ruin seed
sales! Might as well run In a few
pictures of snails, bugs, grasshoppers,
and small boys running off with
watermelons under their arms."
-Oh, Jimmy dear, what Is the differ
ence between a snail and a slug? One
of them is eating up my lettuce."
"Well, a slug's a Vlug. a snail ,1s
sluggish, and the Beavers are slug
gers! Anything more you want to
know?"
"I wish you'd be serlbus for a wlill
and help me with things."
-What's the trouble anyway? Won't
the Brussels sprouts sprout, or the
broccoli lie where you put It?'
-Oh. I haven't planted any broccoli.
I forgot about that, but there's simply
everything to do!"
. -Watch me make the fast get-away,
then."
"No. no. It's all easy for a man. Just
to water everything, and we have some
more seeds to plant, and lots of things
to string up. and the ground to hoe,
and I want "
The earth! Stop right where you are.
If you expect any work from me."
"Well, the latest style In gardens Is
to keep on setting out new plants, so
things will be fresh and tender all
Summer long, and you Just needn't
blame me. Jimmy."
"Not If It's anything about style!
What's this hard formation you've In
stalled along each row? Are you In on
some of these paving deals the papers
talk about, or silent partner In some
reinforced concrete company?"
-Well, that's nothing but some ashes
out of our furnare. Katie said the gar
bage man said that ashes made a good
fertiliser, so"
"So you've been emptying the fur
nace for him! Very obliging of you.
and If you were only thoughtful enough
to get the ashes out while they were
good and hot it must have been a com
fort to the little plants to nestle tbelr
beads against something warm and
cosy. Instead of coming on out Into a
cold, bleak world."
"Oh, do you think oughtn't the ashes
to be warm? I thought I supposed
they would help out during those
dreadfully cloudy days."
"1 see! Great view you have back
here! No wonder those chaps are al
ways writing poetry on gardens! Towels
Tapping on the clothesline, six windows
with kitchen mechanics peeking out at
me. garbage cans, tomato cans "
That reminds me. please come and
help with these tomato plants, Tou've
smoked loss enough, and the after-,
hand on the bell-rope: but he lost pa
tience when the fst lady stopped for
the fifth or sixth time to thrust down
her billowing skirt, and he burst out
angrily:
'Now. then, lydy, 'urry up. can't
yer? Kissers ain't no treat to me!"
LET MRS. JENKINS DO IT.
Professor Jenkins was deep In a
philosophical discussion with a visit
ing classmate, aaya the Youth's Com
panion, when his neighbor, Mrs. Ely.
knocked on his study door and then
opened it without further ceremony.
"Oh. professor," she gasped, from the
threshold, "your house is on Are!"
Thank you," the professor respond
ed, with smiling courtesy. As Mrs. Ely
turned away he added. "Would you
mind mentioning; It to Mrs. Jenkins as
you go out?"
Mrs. Ely giggled hysterically. "But
I can't find Mra. Jenkins! She It not
in the house:" ,
"Not In the house?" The professor
was momentarily dazed. Then his
countenance brightened and he visibly
threw off all anxiety. "But she iust
have made some arrangements before
going out. She always does. I am aure
cook or Martha knows what she would
srwh done In such unusual circum
stances.". Just then the (Ire depsrtment dsshed
tip to the back door and with It Mrs.
Jenkins. She soon appeared in the
study.
"It s all right. Theodore.", she as
sured her husband. "We shall be able
to confine the lire to the laundry; you
won't be disturbed."
As she went out. gently closing the
door after her. the professor remsrked
thst Mrs. Ely wss a good neighbor and
a charming woman, but slightly im
petuous. "She ought to know by this time."
said he. "that there Is absolutely no
necessity for me to meddle with house
hold affairs. Dorothea is so entirely
capable."
A NICKEL W ASTED.
The telephone bell rang loudly In the
silent watches of the night In one of
the largest hospital of New York re
cently, and one of the young Internes,
who was doing duty In the office at the
time, answered, says the New York
Times.
"Is dls der hosplttle.?" came a female
voire In a strong German accent.
-Yes." said the doctor.
"I wand to speak to der doctor,"
came the voice.
This Is one of the doctors," said the
Interne. "What is it 'you want?"
-I vlshes to Inkvlre." said the Tolco
"how l.s Rosa JJchmldeT
It happened that this was the name
of one of his recent patients. "Rosa
Schmidt?" he said. "Why. Rosa
Schmidt was discharged four days ago
as cured. She is not here any longer."
"Ach. Gott!" camo the voice In a
tone of profound vexation. "A nickel
gone!"
TIIE HEX DIED.
-You've killed one of my 'ens!"
Archie Longdrlve looked up as the
shadows of an angry -woman fell
across his golf-tee. "Killed one of your
hens, madam?" he asked, politely.
"Why. there hasn't been a bird on the
course! Besides. I've never been in
troduced to your hens. I wouldn't
know them if I saw them! I assure
you. I " "Stop that nonsense." Inter
rupted the angry man. "and lis
ten to me! I want half a
guinea damages out of you. and I'll
see that I get It, too! I found one of
your golf balls, and popped It under
one of my birds for a nest egg." "Well,
what's the complaint?" asked Archie.
"What's the complaint?" answered the
woman. "Why, the "en's died of a
broken heart, thinking I wanted' er to
lay a crinkly egg!" Answers.
WANTED HIS DISGUISE.
A man who traded horses with a
Quaker went to him a few days later
and said:
"You beHt me In t!iat trade."
"Welia? what does tliee w ant me to
do.? Does thee want me to trade back?" .
Inquired Broadbrim.
"Oh. no; not at all. I only want you
to- lend me your hat for a few. days,
tin I trade with somebody else."
Ram's Horn.
mm-
noon'll aimply be all gone' before we
know It."
"By George, what am I here for, any
way, I'd like to know! Why didn't I
go to the bail gamer'
"Now Jimmy, you said yourself last
night, that you never wanted to see
our team play again because "
That'a right, the muckers! They've
lost every game this week Just given
It away like samples at a pure food
show! Gad. they fumbled the ball and
dodged it. and shuffled around the
bases like a lot of old women! It makes
me hot! I kept thinking every day
they'd tighten up. but "
"Jimmy, dear, do put your mind on
those tomato plants, they're such per
fectly fragile little things, don't you
know?"
"Ding 'em. what variety are they?"
"Variety? Why. I don't know. I
never asked the man."
"Well, are they to-may-toes, to-mat-toes,
or tc-mah-toes?"
".What do you wean I"-
Quips and Flings
-What do you think of the plot?"
asked the theater manager. "That ain't
a plot." replied the man who had pad
1 2 to see the show. That's a . con
spiracy' Washington Star.
Ouest I'll take some o' that.
Walter Some o' which, boss?
Guest Some o that there. Can't
you read?
Walter "Souse me, suh. I ain't had
no education, neither. Toledo Blade.
What Is that piece you were play
ing?" asked the New York hostess.
"It used to be Mendelssohn's Wedding
March." replied the musician, "but I
have put it into ragtime and entitled
It The Reno Quickstep." Washington
Star.
Knlcker Is the great detective's
wife In the country?
f Bocker Yes, and he can't find any of
his clothes in the bureau. New York
Sun.
GIbbs Do you ever think of the debt
you owe your ancestors?
Dlbbs No; they are not pushing
me like my tailor-and grocer. Boston
Transcript. -
The little birds have to-learn to fly
now by watching the aeroplanes."
"The mother birds are off gadding,
eh? Put the graphophone out doors
and we'll help teach the little fellows
how to sing." Pittsburg Post.
"Why wss that man thrown from
the veranda?"
"He wanted the host to put the July
heat record on his phonograph." Buf
falo Express.
The clinging type of girl Is disap
pearing." "Yes; modern woman, with her num
erous hatpins. Is more like a cactus
than a'vlne." Washington Herald.
First Bridesmaid They are well
matched, don't you think?
Second Bridesmaid Rather; she's a
grass widow and he's a vegetarian.
London Opinion.
"Your life Is too sedentary." said the
doctor. "What you need Is constant
excitement."
"Well. I guess I'll get It." replied the
fair patient. "I'm going to marry a
man to reform him." Philadelphia
Record.
' -I want a pair of shoes that will be
plenty large enough," she said, as the
clerk looked Into her old one to find the
number.
"In that case." he replied, "perhaps
you had better step over into the men's
department." Chicago Herald.
Wigwag The secret of a happy mar
ried life Is to marry one's opposite.
Cynlcus Yes, I have frequently re
marked that your wife was a most
charming woman. Philadelphia Rec
ord. see
"So you have adopted a baby to
raise?" we ask of our friend. "Well,
it may turn out all right, but don't
you think you are taking chances?"
"Not a chance," he answers. "No
matter how many bad habits the child
may develop, my wife can't say he In
herits any of them from my side of the
house." Life.
There seems tobea penalty pro
vided for everything but stealing a
man's daughter."
There's a penalty for that, too."
"I'd like to know what It ,1s."
-Hard labor for life." Houston Post
e
"In our country, where can one really
find the cream of society?" asked Miss
Blase.
"In Reno, of course where society
goes through the separator," replied
the cynic acridly. Judge.
"Well. John William, how be things
wl" you?"
Gravedlgger Very quiet. Ain't
buried a living soul for over a month.
London Opinion.
"I wonder what becomes of the little
girls who dig up the seeds they plant,
to see If they are growing." "They be-
"I want to find out Just what I'm
handling here, because I'm bllmmed if'
I know what to call them when I'm
Invited out to dinner anywhere and
want the catsup!"
"Don't be so silly. Tou oughtn't to
eat chutney, and things like that, any
way; they spoil your digestion."
"Well. If these are to-mah-toes. the
whole proposition goes over the fence.
I'm not going to have anything with a
flossy name like that In my back
yard"
"Jimmy. Jimmy, look out! Oh, you're
stepping all over my young carrots!
Oh, you've spoiled that who; row
there."
"How could I tell there was anything
there? It looks like a streak, of white
wash to me."
"Well, there were so many bugs I
had to sprinkle powder on them. The
catalogue says in such cases to sprinkle
freely, and It took three or four boxes."
"Boxes? What did I'll bet a month's
salary you used talcum powder."
"Of course I did! You ' don't think
they could have meant gunpowder, do
you. Jimmy?"
"No. no. little one. nor flea powder
either! How many bolts of baby rib
bon have you bought to tie up the
necks of the squashes? Be sure you
have enough absorbent cotton on hand
to swab out the ears of corn as soon as
they show up."
"I think you're real mean to make
fun of me that way. Tou' don't know
any more about It yourself! Tou never
planted a garden before."
"Gad. thla garden's behind. Ethel,
can't you see that? I don't believe all
the sart of the ocean Infused into It
could give It a spurt or prevent It's
being a tall-ender."
. "Well. I'm sure we're going to have
ome peas, anyway."
"Peas, did you say? Don't be so
careless In your way of expressing
yourself. Ethel. Use the definite article.
Bay 'a pea Yes. I think myself, we
mav raise a pea.'"
"Please don't try to be funny."
"Yes. I noticed one of those pods
down there that aeemed to have the
rudiments of a pea in it, so let's de
cide who we shall ask to dinner to help
us eat our pea!"
"Jimmy!"
"I hope that reciprocity bill with
Canada doesn't go through before our
pea gets ripe. I'd hate to have some
husky, gluttonous old Canadian farmer
get my pea away from me!" 1
-Then tell me what to do to make
thing xrow,' . 1
come little women and keep opening
the refrigerator to see n mere is any
ice left." Buffalo Express.
When the doors opened In the little
Indiana theater a farmer wandered in
and looked around.
Ticket, please," said the doorkeeper.
The only thing I've got agin these
here op'rys," said tho Hoosler as he
walked away. "Is that they don't begin
till Bedtime." Success.
The Reformer Ah. friend, what we
are striving for Is fewer overcrowded
sUjims. larger villages, more pleasure
for the people and less drink.
The Unconverted One But 'ow are
we going ter 'ave more pleasure If we
as less beer? Everybody's Wreekly.
Maud Jack vows he'll marry you
yet.
Ethel Maybe If he goes In for tho
ministry. Boston Transcript.
"I hardly know how to class this tab
let," says the Egyptologist, studying
the object. "As nearly as , I can de
cipher the Inscription it is a set of in
structions as to what to do the next
morning after a royal banquet in order
to restore the physical system to the
uvi mat. ... i-
"That's a headache tablet," decides.
the assistant. Chicago -ost.
He So young March and his father
are carrying on the business?
She Yes. The old man runs the
business, while young March does the
carrying on. New York Globe.
"Willis I wonder if there will ever be
universal peace.
Glllls Sure. All they've got to do Is
to get nations to agree that in case
of war the winner pays the pensions
Puck. She Tou know. George, that during
all my girlhood I have never known
care.
He (absent-mindedly) When we
are married, darling, you shall never
be without It. Boston Transcript.
Comedian Is your play still . run
ning? Tragedian No: but the mana
ger Is. Everybody's Weekly.
He ton't you think she has rather
a good complexion? She It strikes
me as being Just a trifle too Impres
ionlstlc. Scribner's.
Patience And did her father follow
them when they eloped? Patrice
Sure! He's living with them yet!
Yonkers Statesman.
Wtgg Scribbler Is always talking
about how he wooes the muse. Wagg
Well, she has pretty good grounds on
which to sue him for breach 'of prom
ise. Philadelphia Record.
"Do you know the woman in the flat
next to yours well enough to speak
to?"
"Well enough? I know her too well
to speak to!" London Opinion.
Jenny Jack, you ought to make
some sacrifice -to prove that you love
me. What will you give up when we
are married?
Jack 111 I'll give up being a
bachelor. Philadelphia Inquirer.
Positive Wife John, why do you
talk in your sleep? Have you any
Idea?
Negative Husband So as not to for
get how, I suppose. It's the only
chance I get. Puck.
Gabber Tou ought to meet Smith.
Awfully clever imitator. He can take
off anybody.
Tottie (wearily) I wish he were
here now. Variety Life.
-I stopped a week at their Summer
cottage. They're different from most
people."
That so?"
"Yes, they never once said, Tou
know out here we do a lot of things
that we wouldn't think of doing in the
city " Detroit .Free Press.
"My present patient,'-' said the pretty
nurse. "Is a peevish old millionaire."
"Never mind. He may ask you to
marry him!"
"Yes, he may. He has about run out
of other requests." Kansas City Journal.
Another J)ome$ffc
"Mulch! That's the password.
Mulch! Have yon mulched?"
"I don't know what that Is."
"I don't either, but It's a peach' of a
good world. Every article on farming
swarms with It. Let's mulch."
"No, come, Jimmy, we've got to plant
some more lettuce seed "
"'Owl Ow! What's all that cheer
ing about? That must be out at the
ball broundi."
"Yes, I'm sure It Is. e See, Jimmy, If
you'll Just hoe "
"What the deuce acB) they yelling like
that for? Beavers must have swatted
one over the fence. Gee, they're still
going It!"
"Never mind, dear, we must get these
seeds in the ground. I'm sure It's go
ing to rain tonight."
"Don't you ever think it! Since we've
started this garden. I've got next to
old Jupiter Pluvlus! Whenever I lose
my Job at the office, I've got a dead
aux thing as weatiec juan no more
Among the Poets
BAREFOOT BOY.
Blessings on thee, barefoot boy.
You must be a happy soul;
How we envy you your Joy
Splashing in your swimming hole.
Youngstown Telegram.
Blessings on thee, barefoot boy, ,
All your ways are glad and sweet;
Nights, though, end the long day's joy.
For you have to wash your feet.
Houston Post.
Blessings on thee, barfoot boy.
Of thee I'd write a sonnet.
When In youth' my foot was bare
It had a stone-bruise on it?
Scranton Tribune-Republican.
Blessings on thee, barefoot boy,
Tou must be happy, heaven knows.
Sitting on the river bank
Squeezing mud up through your toes.
Johnstown Democrat.
Blessings on thee, barefoot boy,
How we pity you oh, gee! .
When you. In your childish Joy,
Step upon a bumblebee!
Los Angeles Express.
Blessings on thee, barefoot .boy.
Not with sorrow forced to grapple;
What vacation you'll enjoy
Until time for the green apple.
Schenectady (N. T.) Union.
Blessings on thee, barefoot boy.
When you escape the teachers,
Tou can run out and enjoy
A sun seat In 'the bleachers.
St. Louis Times.
THE Ml'CKRAKER.
The muckracer looked at his hat
And cast it relentlessly down;
Said he, as he did,
"It's a pretty fair lid.
But, then there's a dent In the crown.
He looked at his feet In dismay
And sighed, as a martyr might do,
"There's doubt not a bit.
They certainly fit:
But, then there's a spot on one shoe.
He looked at his nose In the glass
And mourned as a man who'wears crape
"Alas! I can smell
With the organ full well;
But, then would you notice its shape!"
Again he looked into. the glass
While yet a full hour went by;
Said he, "I can see.
Which I'm sure pleases me;
But, then there's a mote In my eye."
New Orleans Picayune.
THE AMBIDEXTROUS GRAD.
I've read my Latin, conned my Greek,
Translated many a classic lay:
The French and German tongues I
speak,
The" calculi I'll put away.
Psychology to me is play.
Philology I have not missed.
But proudest am I when I say
I have a punch in either fist.
Euripides I love to seek.
And other Grecian poets gray.
I love Iz Walton, gently meek.
And Frolssart's stories of the fray.
I love to read of Gil Bias gay.
And so on down the famous list,
But the proudest am I when I say
I have a punch in either list.
L'ENVOI.
So, prince, beware, before your day
Be plunged in murky, mournful mist,
For proudest am I when I say
I have a punch In either fist.
New York Evening News.
KEEP EASY, CALM AND COOL.
Folks are easily stampeded.
Just when all their sense Is needed;
That's a fact by all conceded
, As a universal rule.
If you'd meet the situation.
Give it your consideration.
Show no silly perturbation.
Just keep easy, calm and cool.
When your hands and arms are waving.
When your tongue is loudly raving.
When, in short, you are behaving
Like a perfect bloomin' fool,
faentczfe
of tde
jokes on that poor, maligned chap."
"How 00 you mean, Jimmy?"
"Simply run a garden in connection
with the weather bureau. Whenever I
water it, predict heavy, drenching, con
tinued showers. When I forget the
darned thing, then I'll forecast hot,
scorching sunshine; precipitation 0.
Can you beat it?"
, "Jimmy, you really are terribly smart!
But they'll never let you go at the of
fice, surely, do you think?"
"Never mind that. Just to start some
thing, you let me go down to the drug
store on the corner a minute. They're
cheering again like the very dickens
over at the ball park, and I've got to
find out what's doing."
"No, I will not, Jimmy. Tou gave up
the ball game yourself and promised
to help me, and I should think you'd
be terribly 'ashamed to want to back
out."
"Confound it, where are your old
seeds? Hand 'em over! Cloudy today,
too. Fielders can't Judge ball just my
luck to have them run up a big score
hang this garden, I knew those fence
busters of ours could trim that whole
bunch "
"Jimmy, are you talking to me?'
"Not at all, Etllel Just a little wire
less conversation with with the Em
peror of Japan. ' Hope you don't ob
ject "
, "I was thinking you really ought to
spray these melon vines before the
seeds were planted." -
"Say! That bully old outfielder, Omar
Khayyam, had never heard of you when
he lined out that limerick about want
ing to sit in the garden under a bough
with somebody or other!"
That was in the wilderness, Jimmy,
and nothing at all about a garden."
"Don't care a- rap! You'd have had
him grading down the camel's humps
or something. What the mischief are
you going to do with that big ball of
twl'e?"
"Why, I'm going I mean, you're go
ing to string up the onions, and maybe
the asparagus, too."
"Nothing doln. Madam Umpire! Your
decisions are tank. Don't seem as if
I'd ever heard of stringing onions,
anyway. Don't you mean beans?
That's why they call them string beans.
I thought."
"Well, yes, I do want you to nx
strings for the beans, too. Yes, I re
member the catalogue called them
string beans."
"ow why do we want strings on
Uioae beans! Xbere's absolutely, no, la ,
of the Daily Press
Matters never can be mended.
Too much effort is expended.
Use your wits as they're Intended,
Just keep easy, calm and cool.
Don't be foolishly elated,
Don't with pride become Inflated,
Don't get mad and irritated.
Ail your passions strictly school;
Try to hold yourself together.
Don't let go and snap your tether,
Even In the present weather
Just keep easy, calm and cool.
Tid-Blts.
A WHOLESOME REMEDY.
Miss Mary Elisabeth Madeline Fayles,
A girl about seven or eight.
Had cherished the habit of biting hei
nails,
. And practiced it early and late.
From'such an absurd and ridiculous
trick
It was not a long time before 0
Each delicate flnger-ip down to the
x quick
Was painfully tender and sore.
Elizabeth's father declared 'twas a sin
Such beautiful fingers to spoil:
And big brother said, with a comical
grin,
"Let's smear them with capsicum
oil."
So capsicum, aloes and pitch were ap-
plied.
And vile things too many to name;
. . ,r rll 1 .K ll.nllv rioH
And nibbled her nails just the same.
Then Mrs. Fayles said, with delight in
her voice,
"I've thought of a cure sure as fate!"
She tried it at once and had cause to
rejoice;
The nail biting ceased from that date.
What potent device did this- fond
In curing the trick of her pet?
'Twas simply an artifice, stratagem,
ruse
New York Times.
A BALAD OF RECREATIOX.
A bold and sturdy man was he.
He vowed that he would go ..
Td Join the merry revelry "(
And see the Summer show.
;
"My coin so white I will employ." .
Quoth he, " 'mid pleasures there,
Like silver bullets to destroy
The imps and elves of care."
He ate and drank what he snouia not,
He rode on monsters strange.
Baseballs he threw. He tooK a snot
At even-thing In range.
His hair hung dankly on his brow.
His burning breath was short.
And still he strove, exclaiming, "Wow!
Am I a real sport?"
He's homeward bound. The day Is o'er. -
But why extend the song?
Back up the ambulance once more.
He'll be all right ere long.
Washington Slar.
t 1
QUITE DIFFERENT.
Oh, he preached it from the housetops,"
ha nhiciwrod it bv stealth:
He wrote whole miles of stuff against
awful MirsA of wealth.
He shouted for the poor man, and he
"ran" the rich man down;
And also every King and Queen who
riurri to wear a crown.
He halloaed for rebellion, and he said ;
VioM.hAnri a hand
To exterminate the millionaires, to
sweep them from the land.
He yelled against monopolies, took
shots at every trust.
An4 Bwnrp hi'd he an anarchist, to
grind them In the dust.
He stormed, he fumed, and ranted, till
he made the rich man wince;
But an uncle left him money, and he
hasn't shouted since.
Tit-Bits.' .
ELECTRIC LUNCHEON.
Alternating currant pie;
First a currant, then a fly.
Chicago Tribune.
Vewywedd.
dlcation that they'll ever have strength
enough to get away from us and whalT
would we lose If they did?"
"Oh, I'm. sure they'll soon begin grow
ing." "By George, It's an Insult to line "em
up with anything so strong and self
respecting as a string. 'Ow-ow-ow-w-w
w!' There the bleachers go again! Can't
I even see the cars go by when the game
Is over "
"Oh, please, please get to work.
Jimmy."
"Well, If I was Mayor of"
"Were, Jimmy."
"Huh?"
"Were. You said if you was Mayor of -Portland,
and you ought to say if you
were."
"I didn't say if you were; I said if 1
was"
"Yes, but that that isn't correct, It '
sounds er er crude." "
"Hm! Crude and rude, that sizes --?
this family all right!"
"Jimmy 1"
"We're not diagraming sentences now,
we're just talking plain English! If I
was Mayor of this burg, I'd compel every
streetcar coming away from the ball
game to hang out a sign like this, ofti
whatever the score was:"
Beavers 5Robbers 0
"That would be perfectly lovely, Jim
my." "By George, yes. Then when you'd se
a string of cars coming down the street,
you'd know just how the game went. -c,.
whan vmi crofnp to let me off? I'd
like' to go around in the hammock and.
take a nap.
"Oh, no, no!" ;
r-m lAt Toe off! I'm the sleening
partner In this concern, anyway."
"Oh, no, you must water me onions,
and we must think how to get more beds
for seeds, and"
Thla hflfU wirit la so small, whv don't.
you have folding beds? Then I wouldn't -
have to go to the hammocn ior my
nap."
"Now, Jimmy, come bacK; were s so-
much to do."
"Say, Ethel, rve a bully scheme ror
this garden! Why didn't I think of it
sooner?"
'You're always so good, Jimmy. What'
Is it. desr?" :
'Great stunt, all right! Now things
will go with a snap!"
"What is It?"
"It's a winner, believe me."
"Oh. Jimmy, tell me! What is you) 1
Idea?"
".Let George, do. IV.1