IIS
Song
Lyric by GEO.
eer Uin
most en -
mar - re, -
be
:
street car
an - to -
Cory'Sht. MCMIX. MAl'RICB SHAPIRO. Publisher.
Vd by permission MURRAY Mt'SIC CO., New York.
rj TS last a klivd o' tnsuity which
I ul In th h.l. son. It's a
sort o' disjointed mlcrofc-tsr
;ht ctuhu 'exn all pretty pronto. The
!airt tvod th trocnt tvud tbe tost
to up asa!r.t It thtDkln' they're vao
Tioated with hors sense and the
lext you know they're sky-barkin
troucd I!ke a bunch o' spotted mules In
i forest o' loco-weed."
It was Uie voice of Colonel Crowe
that rumbled In my ear. lie tat on a
Rink chair In a g-olJen corridor of the
Hotel Astor-Flasoria. He rested light
ly on that chair, as though loath to
take advantaco of so frail a thin.
Lpoo his knee he held his Metaon hat
ss an expression of contemptuous pus
ileraent crwsscd his scarred and weath-
red features.
-It's foxier than a Mexican priest. It
sneaks Into your dlaram. somehow,
and the next you know you're paying
waiters to notice you. It's worse 'n
smallpox. It lasts you longer and costs
you more before the funeral. It's the
. sickliest disease in the almanac. "
"What lT" I asked nervously.
yw Tor."" said Colonel Crowe,
sweeping; hts groat hand in an arc In
dicating the. Battery on the om ex
treme and tho Bronx on the other.
"it yu dvut lilts iu why do you
come hereT" 1 asked with asperity.
-That's a quwtlin. now it sure Is!"
said Colonel Crowe "Why does a free
born, white, male Inhabitant of Ood's
Country shake the mountain dew from
hts feet and hit the trail for thH Vnl
Tersal Gran Headquarter? It ain't be
cause tho Eat Is mors refined or com
fortable than the West, nor because fe
male society Is any sweeter on lfth
avenue than oa Bull HUL Why is It?
"I talked this very topic of conversa
tion with my llttlo frlond tiandow
Jones, tko shortest and umldeat des
perado ot scy acquaintance.
3ndow,' I says, 'what speales of
damtoolishnesa Is It that makes me
waat to shako this hlsti-prade dump
here and mush into the bad lands of
Manhattan?"
" 'I sake the reason.' says Saodow.
"The West Is glttin' too tamo and monotonous-like.
The honest sold-seeker.
as soon as he' rets a few ounree of
sylvantte tied to his pack-saddle, he
begins to tire of quiet surburban life
among the stamp-mills where a man's
only recreation Is read In' medical ar
ticles In McClure's masaxlno and glt
tin' drunk once a month, lie Jones for
a little frontier life, he docs. He wants
to see some gamblln houses with a
dlsappearin' outfit remlndin' tbe ob
server of tho days o' Hre4 Hart and I
William Travers Jerome; ho wants to
see a locality wnere a man has to carry
a gun to protect hftnsetf from the tavl
polle: he wants to dwell ajcang tho
wild Indians and tin bores and hold-up
men. to surround hlmse-lf with an at
mosphere of lawlessness sufficient to
sate and satisfy a man of violent train
ing in a htfh altitude. In fact the
Western young man of today Is look In'
for some wild life. So be nacbally goes
to New Tork.'
"That's what Sandow Jones told me
In his mild way." said Colonel Crowe.
rol'Jng a tiny brown-paper clxarette
and poking one end of It Into the
rusged cavern beneath his mustache.
"Tet I f.nd w York dangerous but
dtsappolntin.' Death Is wailln' for you
behind every revolvln' glass door. btt
w-beo yon meet It It sort ' larks
charm. West s tho o' beln" like
me. a man who has fought the Orlm
Itesper with a pickaxe for nigh onto
yvars. yet conn to New Tork and git
ymr name In tbe papers as X'nknown
In 1999
Sung by Blanche Ring in Lew Field's Production
. "The Yankee Girl" .
V, MOBART
ly
joy
see a dif - frmt plere
a . bie thing of all
loot ehang
to -watch
as in the race
a Eaie of ball
t
then will bare no (trap And
ma - tio bat will strike YouH
Westerner killed by an electric taxi
eabr "When New Tork carries weapons
she prefers a GatMng--gun or an auto
matic Colt. She don't run-fight ac
cording to regulations. She bides In a
manhole and shoots just as you're try
ing to dodge a coal-truck. Or she goes
op In an airship and drops the Flatlron
bulldln' on your head. She poisons you
with midnight lobster or choke
you to death on that Hell's Ex
press they call the Subway. Tet what's
the use o' my sendln' out a warning
note to the young? I bet while I'm
talkin' that a thousand ambitious
freshmen in tbe bunco business are
rtdln' lpto Manhattan eager with the
springtime hope of sellln' somebody a
salted claim. They're tryln' to beat
the Big Game with small change. I
ptty 'em. that's evlL
"I was rslsed or rather Jerked tip
In a camp where 14 saloons stand
sentry around a Methodist Church, so
that the wicked won't get Inside and
bother the preacher. Drunkenness Is
In Its Infancy m my town. There an
inebriate ain't got no Imagination be
yond sin gin' 'Sweet Vio-iets' aa' killin"
a deputy sheriff. But here In New Tork
science has strid with such strides
that everybody can obtain some kind o'
fancy bitters that drives "em to fren
sles of peculiarity. It ain't right. It's
Just like turnln an Indian loose In a
drugstore and tellin' htm to help him
self. Kveryhoflr In New Tork takes
some sort o dope. If It ain't COcktal!.
it's grand opera, or Wall street, or tenement-house
improvement Or maybe
the ag takes a homictdelous turn and
they go In for automobiles."
"Each town has Its Idiosyncrasies."
I said to the Colonel. "Strangers com
ing here are too apt to criticise New
Tork before they get used to It."
''Suppose so," snorted tho Colonel.
"But when you get used to New Tork
you can't enjoy It. you can't enjoy
anything you're a New Torker.
"When I was prospectln' op around
Duranxo I met an Eastern geologist
name of Professor Leonardo Pi la. Regu
lar dipsomaniac be was or whatever
you call them lads that are dlpsy
abont. books. Ton know that kind of
nice, educated panhandler that can tell
you all about cold indications after
you've made the discovery. Harmless
and ornamental and right pleasant to
live with when you're snowed In above
timber line with nobody else to talk to
except a sack o' flour and a jack burro.
"Well, lust aa I was pullln' stakes
for the East. Leonardo comes up to
me and says:
" Co!oneU here's a letter of Introduc
tion to my brother Agnew who occu
pies a compartment at the corner of
One Hundred and Twenty-fifth street
and Riverside drive. New Tork. Tou
will find him a good fellow lust our
sort, you know.'
" 'What is "our sort"?" I asks of
Leonardo, because I never could see
no resemblance between me and blm,
except that we both walked In upright
altitudes and wore our faces In front.
""Oh.' says the professor, 'he's a
splendid sort. He's a typical New
Torker. He'll brush up your manners
and show yon around. I'm snre it will
do you all sorts of good.'
"So I hunted up Brother Agnew," said
the Colonel, inhaling deep vapors from
Ms yellow cigarette. "He lived in splen
did misery In one o' them sky-htttin'
marble sharks that look like an I-tal-ian
palace on the outside and a dese
crated seegar bog on the Inside. They
call the plare Vompresso Hall. I think. 1
Eighteen niggers disguised as grand
-rT- Jf;
T? - F'-Srx
i m , 1 ' 1
.CfiOWE
MiuJc by SIUVIO HEIN
Till ready.
rP j .s--"-1
1 ' , I
- , . rgr r,'q, i si
in Nine - tern Nina . ty - Nine,
in Nine - feten - Nine - ty - Nine.
-I
1
in Nine - teen Nine - ty - NiDe. .
in Nine - teen - Nina - ty - Nine. .
i r - w
o when ronnding a mrve a
sea no plays that you dia -
i
dukes meet yon at the front door. In"
suit you. take your card, mispronounce
your name over the telephone, drag
you Into a flashy elevator of Louis
Kachoo design and haul you up nine
layers of architectural pigeonholes till
you arrive at the particular tomb you're
lnqulrtn for.
"You know the kind of compartment
house I mean. There's about 30 miles
of these canned residences in New Tork
where more'n a million New Torkers
D
I ; ;'
l ll
i ! j!
!i !
A HALF HII.E
1. You'll
,2. Tha ,
With
Will
f F
The
An
ehap, Need
like, No .
I
go through tbe automatic motions
called life, arousing from obscurity now
and then to make a social appearance
at Rector's or the divorce court.
"Well, I punched the bell at a ma
hogany prison door marked 'Agnew
Plis,' and a nice, sweot-faced young
lady In a white apron and a home
grown smile opens the door.
"'Evening, Mrs. Pils. ma'am,' I says,
wtthdrawtn' my hat. 'Is your husband
Inr
OF BROKERS' CLERK 8 DOFFED THEIR DERBIES.
not sit down in ft' 'la
need to shout,.. "Npw wale
-- 1 '.: J. ! 1 tzx :sr-" . k-
. . c
. REFRAIN. s ". , v. . ,
la I 1
In Nine -teen hun-dred and Nine
In Nine - teen hun-dred and Nine
U -ST . . . . , , ,
i 1 i . " F"- .
find the air - ships will " e - clire The Ko - tor ear that
be a game of aci - ence played By e leo - trie i -
pg Md p4z
Gf-t -
bur glai8 not as hero - to - fore
pitch-er's arm will then go Janie
, , " I - - h i u i 1 - m - l
fly in the win - dow and look
kill.... aa um-pire at er -
" lie name's Korah,' says she, blush
In' Indignant, "I'm tbe hired help.'
" 'You have a kind and honest face,
says 1.
" 'Hash,' she hlftses, 'the missus
might hear what you said. With such
a reputation I couldn't hold me place a
week.
"So she flounces down a long green
papered bowling alley, with me trail
ing in the reap, aqueezln' np my shoul
I IS9 t
dyn lap; in Nine, - teen Nine -
it, Mike!" in Nina teen Nine, .
- ty Nine If yoq are there to
- ty Nine If you. are there to
13
Will stop to jinx - my the kitoh - an door They'll
The sraJ1( atand then won't place the blame And
Jt-
you o'er in Nine - teen Nine -
Vy game in. Nina teen Nine -
ders so's not to knock down the pic
tures on both sides.
"1 found Agnew crowded up against
the planna in a sort o' doll's parlor.
He was talking a duat with a lady who
was disguised to look like Lillian Rus
sell wearin' tbe Hope diamond. She
looked so sort o" public that I thought
maybe I'd broke into the wrong drift,
and I was just about to back down the
long- shaft when Agnew jumps up and
says in a perfectly exhausted voice,
" 'Colonel Crowe, I presume.'
"I presumed the same.
" 'Mrs. Pilz,' he says to the frescoed
queen, 'this is Colonel Crowe of Cripple
Creek.'
" 'Dee-lighted, I'm sure,' says she.
I've always had an Interest In the
West since my cousin Ethel moved out
there.'
" "What part of Idaho did she move
to?" I Inquires kind o' patriotic.
" 'Summit,' New Jersey,' says she.
'I hope she'll like the climate,' says
I, tryln' to think of somethins equiva
lent.
"Agnew asked me- how I liked New
Tork. and I says,
" 'I haven't seen much of it yet, on
account of the high buiidin's. Why do
you Inquire?
" 'That's a question New Torkers al
ways ask visiting foreigners.' says Ag-
new.
"What do you call a "foreigner" in
New Tork? I asks.
" 'One wbo speaks American,' says
he. 'one who has not yet learned to
oall the head waiter at the Knicker
bocker by bis first name.
" 'I only met him once." says I sort
o" discouraged. On that accaslon he
borrowed Jo from me and forgot to re
turn it.'
"So we conversed along in a man
ner diverging on topics.
" "What points of interest In New
Tork would you like me to show you?"
asks Agnew.
" 'When I left the Rockies,' says I,
'Sandow Jones, the desperado, told me
I mustn't come home without I'd seen
the Statue of Liberty. Brooklyn Bridge,
Trinity Church, and Museum of Natur'l
History."
" 'Of course I couldn't show you
these.' says Agnew. 'No real New
Yorker ever goes to such places.'
" 'But ain't they full of historical
instruction?" says I.
" "Perhaps," says Agnew, 'but no real
New Yorker ever cares to be instruct
ed." " "Well says I, 'you might take me
to the Picture Gallery or the Aquarium
or the Bronx Zoo or Grant's Tomb
perhaps Sandow would feed satisfied
if I seen them-'
" 'I never go to places of public in
terest." says Agnew. 'No New Yorker
eyer does."
" 'Well, quo vadis, old friend." says
I. 'Where in Sam Hill do the real
New Torkers go in hours of recrea
tion?" " "After his serious work of protect
ing the corporations in Wall street,'
says Agnew. 'The tired business man
usually repairs to the theater for his
mental relaxation."
" 'But when yon're tired of the
theater, where do you go? I Inquires.
" 'Of course, that thought never oc
curs to us.' says Agnew. 'When there
are so many theaters, one can't afford
to get tired, you know. Of course,
when we need complete, rest we go to
Grand Opera or a sanitarium.'
"Well, for an upshot to this here con
fabulous talk, Agnew took me around
to the only spot In New York that
could keep bis overworked valves to
mimnln! We went to see Wall street.
l-aif a nv1!in" 'young men stampedin' I
ty - nine,
ty - Nine,
see....... ou..
see,,..... -twill
3E
be,,
ty, .
And
No
ty - Nine. ....
ty - Nine. ..
back and fourth with dollar marks
where their eyes ought to be. Stock
Exchange wow! seven thousand hu
man beeves bellerin' at a score board
in the middle of a marble corral.
Whenever the figure '81' would pop up
on the blackboard two or throe hun
dred wild sun-dancers would begin yet
lin" like Hell on Saturday eight; Then
someone would spread the report that
James R. Keene bad toothache. Imme
diately with a horrid groan 'SI' would
drop to '65' and 10 brokers would go
home teo commit suicide.
"The bank roll in my inside pocket
got so fidgety that I took Agnew away
from there. When we was in free air
again, mushln' down Wall street, we
passed close to a nice-Statue of George
Washington in front of the suotreas
ury building. Agnew didn't notice this
architectural ornament, but when he
got afront of the place next doer he
stopped and held his breath.
"'Hush!' murmurs Agnew. 'This Is
the office of J. Pieplant Gorgon. Here
comes the Master now take off your
hat!'
"A half mile of broker's clerks doffed
their derbies, but bein' rather fond of
my old Stetson I kep" 'er on the place
of honor atop my head.
"Agnew turned pale and yanked me
out t' the way qulcker'n a Johnnie rab-
. bit trimmin saga.
" 'Why didn't you remove your hat in
the Presence? he asks, shndderin" like
a quakln' asp.
" 'Atn't I a free-grown American hu
man?' i yells.
" 'Perhaps so.' whispers Aarnew. 'but
if you go spreading them dangerous
doctrines around here, you're liable to
arrest that's all."
"So he shook me and scooted for Har
lem by the Hell's Express."
"They tell me," resumed Colonel
Crowe, "that there's nothing on earth
like the New Tork rapid transit system.
I've helped strangle thousands of sheep
and load 'em in pen. cars bound for
Omaha; and I've seen the two-legged
herd bleedin' and dyln' to reach Brook
lyn before the beefsteak gets cold. And
I'm agreeable to the general report
New York can't be beat for her rapid
transit system. Last night I was at
Brooklyn bridge In time to rescue three
old ladies and take the dyln' statement
of a female stenographer who had been
walked on by a male suffragette with
hob-nailed shoes. When I reported the
case to a policeman I was arrested for
blockln' traffic, and only escaped Sing
Sing by bribin" a Tammany Judge.
"Then night came. Broadway was all
lit up like the advertising section of
Heaven. The light hit me in the optic
side of my nature and I longed for Sen
timent. I noticed a theatrical sign that
looked less obnoxious than the rest. It
said. 'GRAND OPERA THE GIRL O
THE GOLDEN WEST."
" Home again"' I hollers, my mind ,
makin' pictures of lonesome shaft
houses and brown mesas and white
peaks with burro slngln In the moon
light. Well, I seen the show. A tat
I-talian placer-miner with his t?un
strapped on the wrong way steps up to
the bar and warbles 'Wiskl pour tuttll'
In a mellow, canary-bird contralto.
Then the chorus of wild fruit-sellers
warbles 'Cantati carnlvali! wlskl pour
tutti!" Tho barkeep serves 'em prune
juice out of a vinegar cruet and stops
to sing 'My Rosary' between drinks.
"I listened as long as nature would
allow. Then I made a quiet reach top
my gun. Foiled again! When I came
to New Tork I thought I wouldn't need
to carry an iron."
(Copyright, 111, by the Associated Lit
erary Press.)
. t T i
U8R