The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current, February 26, 1911, SECTION SIX, Image 70

The Sunday Oregonian., February 26, 1911, SECTION SIX, Page 6, Image 70

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Newspaper Page TextT r TITE SUNDAY OTIEGOXTAy, FOKTLANT), FEBRUARY 26, 1911. HAS HIMURA TOGO, DETECTIVE THE HIDEOUS STORY OF THE LAME DUCKS. - THERE I CA DO TAUT TO EDITOR OREGONIAN. who ! tnnd of animals when properly cooked. A figure resembling tail statuary walk Into my Detective Office of re cently. Ilia face waa distinguished Ilka a photo. Ila look to ma and Nogl suspectfully. 11a atop. With outdoor voice bo make following: quotes from Hon. Longfellow, famous bookmaker) Thia ta the Forest upheaval, tha mur murlnir pinna and tha sawmills. Covered with mo of a landoffiee brand. Indistinct to tha twilight. Run with political wheels la voices sal and pathetic. tand Uka fonator Ilala wltfi whlskera brushing thalr neckties " With Imm.dlmtt quickness of lion. Shvlock Uolmsa I recognise who was. "I present you with bit respectful bow-do, Hon. Olff PLnchoC" la speech tor me. 4 "How yoa know I am that personality- he require baffmbly. -When I look at you I enjoy feelings of conservation." I report "Who also cod m do ior "It Is on subject of Conservation that I tare arrived." snuggest Hon Olff. "Too hastily all oar National Resources are being chopped bp bofore they are ripe. We are riled with Indifference of careless neglect. Bach valuable gro ceries aa trees, coal and waterfalls 11a loosely hara and there to be fathered by Corporation Lawyers. Tha same la true of oqr statesmen. And this la crtma. For what National Resource have vi got mora delicloua than our (talesmen, these splendid vegetables who arrow on farms, ret ripe In Fall aad ara delivered to Congress by car loads? Should we neclect them? A awer la. By No Means!" I obtain ilKht abork from this. -Data of March 4." aay Hon. GIIT. "will be entirely brotal to PnUUcal Pucks residing In Wash. D. C and plashing- around In Congressional pud dies. Came lawa should protect these gentle it. am ma la. but they do sot, aa usual. Togo. I most know the htdeoua facta about this gunnery. Elope with Immediate quickness to Wash. D. C. aad Interview each prominent Duck which will ao aoonly quack with crip pled toes- Sea Senator Hale aad ether aff.lcted fowela. Require to know what shall be done with them after they cease dole 5 so. And If they axe to be left harshly to Uvea of desola tion, aad If they are disabled to make honest living hereafterwarda. lat me know and 1 shall obtain them Jobs with Maud Adams In Chantecler the atrical circles where poultry la appre ciated." Thusty speaking; ha walked rapidly to Oregon. e e e Next scenery waa In Wash.. D. C-, ' where me Nogl waa patrolling to gether In search of acme Statesman of retiring appearance. Pretty soonly we observed Hon Jo-Uncle Kelfer of O-Hlo eloping down sidewalks with Hon. Frank Lowden. of 111. Me & Nogl trace them closely by their rear footsteps, because we observe their lame duck ex pression. "Jo-Uncle." aay Hon. Low den humor Istlcally. "I congratulate yon." "Why should Itr require thla Kelfer gentleman. "1 congratulate yoa on your happy retirement from public life," communi cate Hon. Lowden. "Do not congratulate me on such s'.lrht matter." say Hon. Kelt "When I go out of polltloa for 10. 20 or 19 years. I do not call It a retirement. I call 't a vacation. I waa Speaker Of the House before Jo-Uncle Cannon learned how to smoke. Then I took siisht vacation of 20 yeara and came ba. k younger. I shall do so again. "Tou cannot do so oftenly. snuggest Hon. Iwden. "Because old age will Intercept you." How foolish yoa converse." holla Jo-Un- le Kelfer. "I am only Te yeara e'd. In 2S years I shall bat enabled to r. 1 irn to Conrress and verwhele the nx-raxlc majority." ' You are a remarkable come-back." pronounce Hon. Lowden. "I ahail take a ftratlon soonly myself." -How shall you spend this quiet In teri'i.leT tfk out Hon. Kelfer. Meeptng. snuggest Hon. Lowden. ' I married Into the Pullman family. I .. a good sleeper." .-'. they patrolled away ta'klng U-iMci anecdotes about lion. Horse Greeley. In t ie rotary lobby of Capital BMr. I notlc Senator Aldrlch making smiles with Senator Beverage. Thia are a very seldom sight. -Ah. Senator." aay Hon. Aldrlch. "for ta first time la temporary history we at eg tie asa alia, ; in .Af v' T"L ''i.!? i -2s- WORK FOR THE COWS i.1D HORSES "Which aldeT require Hon. Bever age with eyebrow. "The outside," corrode Hon. AMrich tike an almanacs. T shall feel strangely devoid, setting loneeornely In Providence with nobody to lnsurge against me." "When I am removed to Indiana." dissolve Senator Beverage. "I ahall fre quently think of how you pressed my Intelligence with etand-pat feet." "What ahall the Trusts do without me when I have we.fi tT" Inquire Hon. Aid. "There ara several Toung Senators Just aa trusty." report Hon. Bev. "How ahall you fasa your time away from Senate f ask off Hon. Aldrlch. "My time away from Senate will be ao abort that I ahall scarcely notice It." Hon. Beverage aay so. "It wIU give me alight restful period to catch up with my literary work." -Are yoa a literary worker? nego tiate Hon. Aldrlch. - "If not, why should I be Senator from Indiana?" did Al with peev. "I am now In conspiracy with Hon. Geo. Ado to write a humorlsttc opera exposing child labor. Thla work will take my strength, in my lighter momenta I shall reorgan ise the Republican Parry, make monthly magaalnea more truthful by writing for them and keep temptations away from Indianapolis. After thla vlgoroua rest I shall bounce back to U. & Senate." -In mv years or ldl laxineaa." de scribe fcVnator AJdrich, T ahall become a philanthropist." Insurance?" require Senator Bever age. "No, finance." abstract Senator Ald rlch. "Instead Of playing bridge and horse-racee like ao many reformed Sen ators does. I shall take np a more useful form of gambling. Thla game will be entitled AJdrich Central Hank. I will be cashier tor this game. Folk wishing to play must buy tlAM.v worth of chips from Mr. Morgan. The player then etarte a bank and aeee what hsnoens. Maybe nothing wllL When Hon. Player goea broke be la called "bankrupt" and allowed to borrow aa much aa he can get. Just keep on playing thla way un til disabled." While Hon. Aldrlcn was) dacrtblor thla V4UU3 ABG A 1XBI I COMPLETE PEACE.- Central Bonk recreation, who should coma upward but Senator Kean, of N. J., with Congressman Tawney walking aide- wise to him. "Tou do not seem peeved because Mch 4 will ao aoonly arrive and bring you vacuum," aay Hon. Aidricb to Senator Kean. "Why should I peeve?" requ're Senator Kean. -When retire a l snail go oaca to my farm whlck I own ao exclusively." "What la the name of your farm?" require Senator Beverage. "The State of New Jersey," renlg IT on Kean with hoots. "There I can set In peace eaoorted by pumpkin and potatoes. loving all men and almost forgiving Woodrow Wilson." "What eriall you. do when doing noth Ing?" require Hon. Aldrlch from Hon, Tawney with roll call voice. T shall spend the rest of my life be tween Minnesota and Panama." he aay so. l shall rebuke the big guna of both Important plaoe and asalst Hon. Andrew Carnegie to make the world as much like The Hague aa possible." "O observe who aioroacher" holla, all Persona making lame duck algnals with wrlata. From nearhye distance came a Human Keynote walking with faUgued expres sion like one who haa been defendlnk Senator Lorlmtr. It waa Hon. Julius Caeaar Burro, reformed Senator from Mich. "March 4 will be a national holiday with me." he deliver with brightly imll lng. "On the day when Senator Money of Miss, goes out of coinage aad Con gressman Hull of la. returns to the husk, then will J. Caesar Burro, turned to clay, shrink back to Kalaroasoo and bide bis day. I have had a useful life but why should I mention my good quel- Itiea? I come to bury (.aeewx, not to praise him. Sweet country life Is more best for me. There to practice a little golf and a Urtlo law. There I can. wear ray svul carelessly on the side of my head. There I can do valet work for cows and horaea In complete peace. Too long have I been chore boy for the Re publican JaJ-tT. Wherever there waa a ICLDOM B1GBXJ keynote to be tooted or a rillnols cor rtrptlonlsts to he enamelled white, -then all Statesmen would holla, Let Caesar do It!' I am tired of being used for my talents. Goodbye for me." ' Senator Beverage aat reading Munsey'a magazine to learn what style of story ettes he should learn to write when he Joined himself to Indiana again. "I believe in Organization," aay Sena tor AJdrich. "That strength has always been my weakness. We must organize ourselves Into The Society of Lame Ducks." this club to be like the Elks, onlv more Socialistic." "We will meet in Rhode Island every four years and tell what haa happened to ua," snuggest Hon. Tawney. "If nothing happena we won't meet." corrode Hon. Al Beverage with lnsurgi- cal eyewlak. e e e e While me & Nogi waa eloping- to Penn R. R. Station making notes on our brains, who should come up behind us but a pair of feet. "Tou have missed me In the barn yard" holla a New York Central voice. We turn quickly edgewise ana m- holtl It waa Hon. Chauncey M- De pew, famua entertainment. "Tou have exxluaea me irom ins poultry." he snagger. "Which poultry, p.eaaer- l require with Chanticler expreaslon. . "Them Lame Ducka you was here to report." snuggest Hon. Depew. "I too am proud to belong to that great Re publican organization. Mch. 4. 1911, ahall find me once more on Gth Ave. making Joking puns among tho Astor bllts and the rest of my employees. After 0 years continuated service for my country and my corporations I shall retire from the frivolous work of mak ing laws to a more serious occupation." "What could be more serious wan making laws 7" I require. "Making Jokes." snuggest Hon. De pew. I am tninKing 01 lounamg a Hospital for Crippled and Idiotic Jokes in Bronx Park. N. T. Nothing couia be nobler than this charity which would be of great benefit to all Politics and the entire theatrical perfesalon. As I have searched Puck and Judge, looking for some of my original remarks, how oftenly have I discovered little maimed walls of wit which should be caged In some bright Christian atmosphere and taught to smile and play like other children. IIow I have longed to tuck them Inside my evening coat and take them for nourishing food to some Rail road Banquet and show them how to be blight. But nol I could not do. "How aad to think." report Cousin Nogl. "Humor Is oftenly sad to think. Hon, Chauncey say so. "Laughter and tears oft spout from tha same siphon. Many persons weep at my anecdotes, but I forgive them, because they cannot help It." "Will you ever return back to XT. S. Senate, perhaps sometime?" I ask It. "Maybe-so la my next reincarna tion," he chuck. "Speaking of reincar nations, do you know what Is the dif ference between a prize-fighter and a ghost V "I give up, aa usual," la voioo from me. "When a prize-fighter passes away he never comes back." pop forth Hon. Chaunce), "but a ghost takes every en core." "Senators should be splrtuallstlo like that." say Cousin Nogl with thermos voice. "Speaking of spiritualists. I have a little story " But me & Nogi evaporate away before thla wit exploded. 60 we expedite ourselves to Cable gram office where we make following wireless wave to Hon. Olff Plnchot who resides In Blltmore: "Delicious suffering among lame ducks. Many shall have to be ampu tated entirely. Others do not know they are hit. There is nothing to be done. I am doing so. Let sleeping ducks lie." And when this task was shot oft me & Nogl sat In R R Depot and attempted to think like Bernard Shaw. Hoping you are the same Tours truly HASHIMT7RA TOGO. (Copyright. 1911. by the Associated Lit erary Press. Our Quest of Beauty BY CHARLOTTE C ROWETT. s-TERl r desii - she VERY woman la the world deeply desires to be beautiful, feels that Is outrageously defrauded If she la not beautiful, and Is convinced that all that can possibly stand be tween her and beauty must be merely a bagatelle, easily overcome If she la careful, industrious and devoted. Eh la sure that If she had! her rights and the opportunities to which she Is so Justly entitled Helen of Troy would bo backed entirely off the map and men In shoals would bow down before her own matchless loveliness. And be sides that, she Is going right out this afternoon and have that new masseuse. they ail aay in such a wonder, give her a thorough facial treatment. This desire of ours to be beautiful has filled the world full of bewildered benedicts,, made millions of money for the melllfluous-coolng milliner, pro moted the ingenious inventions of the seekers of a substitute for human hair. fostered the fashions, shortened the trlde. destroyed birds' nests, encour aged industries and urged the special ist to bring to the cheek of her custom ers the unaccustomed rose. And It has done more to disturb the peace of the otherwise happy home than the down fall of many dynasties. As a woman surveys In the glass her Ideal of all that a woman ought to be she cherishes the notion that as soon aa she gets her complexion corrected, her nose straightened, the color of her hair artistically arranged, and the natural brilliance, as well as the size, of her otherwise large and liquid eyes im proved upon, all she will have to do will be to have the lines of her figure brought into harmony with their orig inal Intentions. When she gets these little matters attended to she will be. she decides, about right. And to acoompllsh this great and nec essary work she Is willing nay, eager to expend almost all of her time and all the money her husband con be in duced to let go of. nature Is beautiful, we arguo; why shouldn't we be? And when it Is pointed out that by arriving at the per fect loveliness enshrined In the form of every one of us If a person could only get at It we are going so to enhance ourselves that we will not match John any more at all. we respond that John. being a mere man, doesn t matter: that It is a woman's duty to be beautiful. And so K Is. Of course. It seems, sometimes, as If It would be almost impossible for the Lrrh-h .to be, as J, 6 were, mother; ta its WIS Live iome DAVID BL 1RV1J S. COBB. CAME to tell you." I said, "about our Now National Theater. There la fresh trouble among the "I Thirty Founders." "Yes." said the shade of David Gar rick, "TVe been watching It myself. The New Theater appears to be In the same fix as the North Pole and the broth that was spoiled too many Cooks on the Job. Every man on earth that's never tried it thinks he's qualified to edit a newspaper, run a hotel and man age a theater, just as every unmarried woman can give you offhand the proper formula, for managing a husband, and every old maid knows all there Is to know about raising children. I suppose theory la probably the cheapest thing In the world except advice. "I have been watching the progress of the New Theater with the deepest In terest. As a great national enterprise, confined almost exclusively to New York, like most of tbe great national enter- prises that originate In New York. It had my best wishes from the start. I remember the opening night, when Mr. E. H. Southern got his dates mixed and played Maro Antony In a Maro Klaw make-up, and J. Plerpont Morgan, the Chlsf Founder, slumbered peacefully In Box A from 8:15 to 11:25 P. M. On either side of him sat the other 29 founders. Some of them had mode their money in oil and some In gas, or liquid fertilizer, or harvesting machinery, or what not, but each one knew Instinctively exactly how a theater ought to be run. I thought then that with SO bright founders on the Job and only one theater to be foun dered there was reasonably sure to be a complication or two. The trouble was they stopped when they'd built one thea terthere could! have been 29 more, one for each founder. In a case like this there should be enough to go around, so that no founder would feel slighted, even some small. Insignificant poor white founder with not more than SO or 40 millions to his name. "But having Just the one, I suppose they must do the best they. can. And. In the course of time, no doubt, as one founder after another loses heart and sloughs off, like the Ten Little Injuns, there'll possibly be a chance for a prac tical theater manager or so to run It. and then there may be different results In the box-office and behind the scenes. But they should always be careful to avoid Introducing any new wrinkles, even in a New Theater." "I thought new Ideas were constantly being brought forward In the drama," I Said. "That's a popular error," he answereoV "The truth is that when you Inject any thing new Into the drama you are aim ing a blow at the very traditions of the stage. Actors change change their names, change their wives, even change their parts but acting is an Immortal, unchangeable thing and remains the same forever." "But how about the problem play?" I asked, "and tha typically American musical show aren't they sufficiently new?' "Oh. I don't know," sold David Gar rlck. "Every little while some socio logical person with a brow running up to a peak makes the astonishing dis covery that when two men love tho same woman at the same time, or vice versa, there are liable to be complica tions. And he cries out to himself. 'Ah. hah, I have found something new the Human Triangle!' and proceeds straight way to dash off what Is known as a problem play. If he has a torpid liver and la feeling particularly downhearted at the time, the chances for Its success are greatly enhanced. But it Isn't new It's as old as Adam and Eve snd the Gentleman Snake; if a older than Colonel and Mrs. Potlphar. of Cairo, Egypt, and the young man Joseph. As for your musical comedy. Is not lunacy one of the oldest human ailments, and has It own accomplishment. It seems as if. taking into consideration a collection of features strongly resembling those of a gargoyle and a complexion to which tanned leather Is second cousin. It would be almost too much to hope. In the few years allotted to us here below, to reach the Ideal, and that a heaven ly loveliness Is about aa much aa we can aspire to. But statistics will convince you that no woman waa ever Induced to embrace this opinion. And a good thing, too. Because you know perfectly well what happens to a man when you perma nently puncture his vanity. He collapses like a dopleted dirigible. And let me persuade you that, once a woman's hope of future loveliness were fractured she would, like a broken-stemmed lily. droop and die. People sometimes endeavor to stem the tide by stating that In 65 or 70 years a little beauty more or less will make no difference whatever why worry? Forgetting entirely. It seems to me, the more or less Important fact that C5 or 70 years Is about all the time allotted to us h which to worry, he beautiful or commit any other de sired atrocity In this plane of being. During the 5 or 70 years a person has got to be something hasn't she? Who wants to waste all that time being as homely as a hedge fence? What comfort Is It going to be to a woman that la 65 or 70 years she will be an angel In any case, when, at the time, ahe Is merely an aggregation of Incongruities? Aa a great statesman, has said. It la the Incongruities and not the angelhood that confront us. And yet I have thought that some times there were to be noticed some thing under those incongruities. Some times it has seemed to me that I could observe peeping through, here 'and there, on Indication of a heart of gold, It has almost appeared to me as If, im perfectly concealed beneath these in congruities, lurked a keen understand ing, a clear Judgment, a broad mind and a disposition as calm and unruffled as a May morning in a land some poet dreamed of. And, this being tha cose, it has al most come Into my mind that, these Interior qualities being thus. If a wo man gave them time they might, as It were, soak through, and presently har monize the most Incongruous outside. Haven't you noticed yourself once In a while that you will meet some woman about whom the other women rave and say, "Isn't she beautiful!" and before whom the wisest men bow In willing adulation and declare: "She is a lovely woman," and yet the people who knew her when she was a girl would be com pelled. If called upon to testify, that, in her girlhood, she was never rated as a tearing beauty at all, but. on the other hand, was called by her dearest friends extremely amiable." I myself have seen, lots and lots of times, the loveliest glr?s, all rose and pearl and gold and cerulean blue. My heart has all curled up with delight in their sweetness, and I have been as glad as oould be when, I thought b.ovr. they. , Talks With. GAREICK ON THE MODERN DRAMA. not been an established principle for centuries that lunacy may be tempered by loud and more or less melodious sounds? It's merely acute mania, with musical cues, to take the curse oil. as you might say. No, the morbid, mouldy melodrama and the nine-foot show girl aren't new; they're merely dressed up differently from what they used to be. There were pioneers in the business long before the firm of Iaben & Gibson got started. "You can project a little with the scenery and the props. Belasco has turned out stage sunsets which made the genuine article look like a feeble Imitation, but with the real essence of tha art you can't afford to take any chances by meddling. Take a vil lain's exit, for example now. I know how a villain made his exit In my day and before my day and how he does so these days, and there hasn't been any change In the system for at least two centuries anyhow. Anywhere ex cept on the stage, a villain would either go out in a, rush with somebody behind him trying to kick his hip pockets over the top of his head or else he would ooze out Imperceptibly and hide in a crack in the wainscoat lns somewhere, like a cockroach. But on the stage never! On the stage, the villain always pauses at the door on his way out, sweeps the company with a cold, contemptuous glare and says, 'We shall me-heat again,' or words to that general effect. "Or, take the costuming. Have you noticed any radical changes in that? Consider, if you will, the Injured hero ine. You see her, on her first en trance. In white with blue ribbons and a rose in her hair signifying innocent purity, and you" know Just from the way her frills flutter that she's due to be the early victim of wicked wiles. Which she is. So, in the second act, she Is all In black, deep black, denot ing desolation and woe, but the fall of the curtain finds her In soft violet, standing for chastened sorrow and true repentance. Suppose you reversed the order of the color scheme? It wouldn't do. The audience would think you were putting the play on backwards and demand Its money returned. "Similarly, the villain must carry a riding crop end smack It violently against his full law-calf legs, thus typifying vexation commingled with hellish persistence. When you see a tall, dark gentleman, with dabs of white at his brows, enter, up to his hips In russet leather and smoking a cigarette with an air of well-bred friendliness, you know right away that here yoa have a perfect devil of a villain. ' Likewise, the hero must be given to loose soft collars and Elbert Hubbard neckties, which invariably signify lofty Ideals, high nobility of character, and the sappy, unsuspect ing, pin-feathered kind of an intel lect that a stage hero always has. Would it do for a hero to wear a col lege boy's collar and a close haircut and have a few vague glimmerings of intelligence once In a long while? It would not, emphatically. And did you ever see. or do you ever expeot to see any first villain except a long, lithe slender one with dissipated spots at his femples? How long would a dis criminating publlo stand for a fat pudgy villain with a bald head and chin whiskers? Or a nice, little, blonde villain, with pink sideburns? No, sir, such a thing would be a slap in the face of the most sacred traditions of the English and almost-English-speaking stage. "Or, let us take the courier who comes in at the critical moment of a military play with the messages from Old General Qazookuma. True, he's only a small Incidental figure. At a glance you know he will never rise high enough In his chosen profession to pet on the bill as Harold Ptomaine, a Wolf In Sheep's Clothing, or Jack would make life so much happier and brighter, and render this world a better and a fairer place in which to dwell; how, because they were themselves so lovely, they would smile upon their friends and all who met them, and go about shedding bliss and contentment and growing more and more beautiful with every year till, at last, all they would need to transport them to that place where we all reach our dearest heart's-desire would be Just a moment's quiet and the waving of some angel's wing. They would be so heavenly that heaven would be their natural habitat. Well, years and years afterwards, I have gone back there to visit and had some woman say to me, "Why, don't you know me?" and I wouldn't know her at all. But it would be one of those beautiful girls. And she would be Just a shell of a thing with angry eyes and puckera all around her mouth and a re movable complexion; and every single trace of her original intention would be gone from her forever because she took core of It from the outside only and never gave a thought to the personal appearance of her soul Sisters mine, when we come right down to facts, the personal appearance of the soul has got to receive a certain amount of consideration from us, or it will Interfere in a marked and most In considerate manner with any other per sonal appearance we may have at heart. I think often and often that we go at this beauty culture crossways. We mix. as It were, cause and effect, and from the merest meretricious massage we ex pect results which can only come from some sweet soothing of the soul. I think, anyway, that the best sort of massage Is what a woman does with ber own mind. The fingertips of sweet thoughts and the cream of kindly im pulses will, in the course of years, it seems to me, change all the countenance that she would care to have changed. She might. It would almost appear, wash her heart all soft and sweet and clean over night with the waters of sleep, and then In the morning pat It all ready for the day with the sunshine of a smile. She might encourage her hands to ap pear more attractive to her family by not allowing them to mix In things which are not her business. And she might embalm in her memory tha max im that mighty few people care whether a woman's hair Is properly marcelled, provided she tucks the halo of love carefully Into her coiffure. It seems to me that If we wouldn't deliberately set crinkles between our eyes by peering into our neighbors shortcomings, nor draw up our mouths as if some lady-Imp had run a draw string 'around them; if we wouldn't shapen our noses Into perfect beaks capable of pecking holes In the home happiness of entire neighborhoods we would have a far better chance to be beautiful than If we had every particle of cuticle removed from our counten ances by the very newest process of skinning and let it grow on again as soft as a dear little pink baby's. What we seem inclined to dismiss from our memories is that a course that caused tha cuticle ta ho bard in. tho first place Dead Ones, Harkaway, a Diamond In the Rough. He'll never climb any higher up the column than the Washington baseball team does, and he"ll never be any thing more important than Arthur, in Love with Elsie, or Old Giles, a Faith ful Retainer, leaning on a pitchfork In a smook frock made by a costumer who took a mother hubbard wrapper for a model, and opening the piece by remarking sadly that the Old Hall has never been the same place since the young master was killed, riding to hounds. "But In the military play, he brings the confidential communication from the Gazookums camp, and he staggers in after a 40-mile ride across a marble . slab on a pair of cocoanut shells you can still hear the clattering hoofs of his exhausted steed off stage with his boots all beautifully shined and his collar buttoned and his gauntlets neatly tucked into the left side of the belt, and otherwise as trim as a pin, except he has a little fuller's earth carefully sprinkled on each shoulder and wears a blood-stained bandage about his noble young brow. "You may have noted that the band age is always about the brow. It 19 possible that a courier might get shot upon his retreat, as It were, but .just let him tie his blood-stained bandage about his left knee, say, or drspe It in a hammock effect across his shoulder-blades and see what would happen to him. He'd be fired and the critics would roast him. No, he must always be shot In the head the only place where that kind of an actor could be shot without inflicting any serious damage. That's one reason, of course, and the other is that you must not trifle with the ethics. 'Tersonally. I've often thought that it might be enjoyable, from the stand point of novelty anyhow, to see a New England drama where the comedy con stable did not wear ear bobs and a red woolen tippet, and did not stand In front of a property stove with the lid painted red and thresh himself with his arms. Or even one where the un fortunate girl was not turned out into a bitter Winter night and a driv ing snow storm of white paper, torn Into square pieces. I've wished that just once she might he turned out into a biting young June sunshine with the apple blossoms beating down in piti less showers upon her shrinking young form. But I realize that It wouldn't do. I realize that stage sunsets must con tinue to be the quickest things in the world, and stage thunder the loudest, tn at the hero must always wear h's shirt unbuttoned at the throat when engaged In doing rescue work, and have his form-titting trousers held up with a belt only; and that tn takingsa stage drink, a stage drinker must al ways say 'Ah-h,' like that, on putting the glass down and then smack his lips loudly. There may have been warm days In New Englanu, tnere may have been heroes In real life who wore sus penders, and red ruspenders at that. There may even have been persons who could take a small drink without giving utterance to a sound like somebody taking off a wet overshoe. But it would not do to Introduce these Innovations on the stage. It would be too revolutionary, wouldn't It?" I told him then, with becoming modesty of a little theatrical Idea of my own which I believed to be not entirely lack ing in merit. "My notion," I said, "la to hire Mallie James, the Bearded Lady, for Salome, and have her double In the two principal parts. First she could do the dance of the veils with her whiskers muffled in an ornamental nose-bag, and then she could poke her head and neck out of the well and be John the Baptist." "Well," said David Ganick, "that notion Is not without Its strong appeal to the modern producing manager It would save one salary." will most probably. If persisted In, pro duce precisely the same effect upon any new skin we can Induce long-suffering Nature to provide for us. One of the greatest mistakes. It seems to me, which we women have been mak ing all down the centuries is In permit ting to linger too long In our minds that ' most misleading old saw that says that beauty is only skin deep. That Is an awful mistake. Beauty Is not merely skin deep; It is far, far deep er than any skin a woman ever shed. Beauty, my sisters, comes right straight through the skin from the soul. This thing that we have been calling beauty and doctoring with depilltorles Is merely a base imitation and will, the first thing we know, wear entirely off and leave in the eyes of our loved ones the homeliest thing a person ever saw, even though our lines permit of our wearing the newest narrow-gauge gar ments, and our complexion Is better than any rose that ever bloomed and more expensive, too. (Copyright 1911, by Charlote C. Rowette) NO PARCELS POST YET Some Reasons Why the Measure Has Not Been Made a Law, National Monthly. But there have been reasons why a Republican Congress has refused to pass a parcels post measure. One of them has now passed away. For 12 years the late Thomas C. Piatt was a s member of the United States Senate from New York. Senator Piatt was a Republican, a member of the party In power, and president of one of the largest express companies In the United States. His colleague from New York was Honorable Chauncey M. De pew, soon to retire from the Senate, thanks to the election of a Democratic Legislature In the state of New York, and Senator Depew was for many years president of one of the leading railroad systems of the country, and Is still largely Interested in railroad enter prises. Senator Piatt Is actually dead, and Senator Depew Is politically dead. Still, there remain reasons why a Re publican Congress refuses to pass a parcels post law. Here are the most Influential rea sons: In 1909 the gross receipts of the American Express Company were J81, 909,721. Its net earnings from the ex press business were $1,809,264, upon a capitalization of $1,716,004, or an an nual profit during the year upon the capital invested la the company of 105.6 per cent. The net earnings of the Adams Ex press Company, the United States Ex press Company, the Southern Express Company and other big express com panies were correspondingly large. In 1909 the various railroads of tha country received from the four big ex press companies alone, for transporta tion, compensation as follows: From the Adams Express Company, $14.0945,896,56. From the American Express Com pany, $14,621,072.16. From the Wells-Fargo Express Com pany. $11,416,199.60. From the United States Express Com pany, $7,882,906.93. These ore the principal reasons why a Republican Congress has not enact ed an adequate parcels post law, rather than the excuse which is more fre quently advanced, that under a cheap parcels post system the big mail-order houses and the large department stores in the cities would ruin the business ot the small retailer aad the UtU J&stt: chant in the (country, towns. 0 ;