HASHIMURA TOGO, DETECTIVE
i ' ' ' ' " .'r.
TERRIBLE TOGO, THE JAPANESE SCHOOLBOY.
WUERG ARE TUB ROIG1I RIDERS
TO Editor Cregonlan. who doubt
lessly Ht writing Idle editorials
while Iht Germans conquered Mil
waukee. Dearest Sir:
Several weeks of yore ma ft No ft,
whll setting In our Detective Office.
Pawnbrokers' Trust Bids.. New York,
suddenly collided our mlnda against a
erioua paragraph of Dews-print. This
rxcited Information told us bow 8eo
Dickinson, assisted by C S. Army Gen
erals, had disbcortred how useless Amer
ica was for warfare. That V. 8. Army,
say this news-print, was so filled wltb
hookworm and sentimental sleepfulness
that they could not defeat Japan, even
If they cot a chance, lion. Dickinson
send a report to Congress to explain
how America needed a.t00.000 more sol
diers to defend Florida from Cuba, and
4omrr9 became so humorous that J o
Vncie Cannon nearly swallowed his cl-
When Hon. Taft see this letter from
Hon. Dickinson, he say "O my! If Con
gress knows about the defenselessness
of America, what mean advantage will
they not take of their unprotected con
stituents? 80 Hon. Pres. make Hon.
War Seo withdraw back that letter be
sent and apologise for telling the truth
when It wasn't so.
When me A- "N'ogi read this Itemised
news from paper we was entirely flab
bed and gasted.
-Togo." say Nogl to me. "If America
la so nationally defenseless like they
say so, what Is to prevent Hon. Em
peror of Japan from approaching up to
Pacific Coast with Intensely explosive
army and obtaining California and Utah
for all respectable Japanese to Inhavitr
"Nothing but laziness." I entreat.
"O Togo." obtrude NokU "If we should
set forthly with our BhyJock Holmes)
minds, so sharp that they bore every
thing, maybe we could find slfflcient
valuable Information so that Hon. Emp
of Japan could send a shooting-fleet over
to America and annex America to v-u-xea."
Banzai'" I gtibble. "we shall do that
slight service to our dear Japan and
maybe we shall be created Duke of Pitts
turf." 80. with Immediate quickness, we
dlehs-ulse ourselves to look like Boy
Scouts with rough riding hats of con
siderable fiop-brlm to conceal our Jap
anese complexions. Tbusly we set
forthly to find how to conquer this U. &
The early morn was just beginning to
decorate the Western sky when me ft
"Nogl strive top to Wsrfare Headquar
ter. Wash. D. C. This place la a
great storehouse for talented Generals
wbo occupy old oaken desks and com
mand long columns of figures all day
long. But on this day all Generals was
xcited'.y doing something else. Each
General held an enormaloua map of U.
8. beneath bis spectacles, and every oc
casional moment he would stick pin
holes tn convenient plsces on map show
ing where Japan would shoot when de
feating America,
While we was standing there a mllltla
messenger came eloping In with breath
less feet. Everybody salute plenty.
Hon. Messenger poke one yellow enve
lope to Assistant General who sat forti
fied behind missionary oak desk. Hon.
Asst Gen burst open Hon. Envelop
with sure Patulous thumbs.
"Ghost of Napoleon!- he coll up. "This
la worse than I suspected"
"What delicious calamity do we now
enjoy?" require several Generals with
uniform voice.
"Twelve militiamen are down with
Tneaaela in San Diem. Cl, he sub.
"This leave entire Taclflo Coast
nearly unprotectea: nou in ju
All set gloomy enjoying" silence.
Me ft Nogl step forwards sklttenlsh
ly. Salutes seen everywhere. Pretty
soonly we came to a door ot very high
rack labelled distlnctually :
FKC OF WAR
JtO NOT KNOCK
NO SPIES ADMITTED
We "make entranoe Ttth respectful
foetware. A slightly official boy wear.
Irg medal tor extreme bravery ap
proach up to me.
-What yoa wish. If anything?- he
Rnf ffllL
-We are Boy Scouts wishing- te pre
pare for war." I report.
-Se Dickinson must see you before
yea escape T Hon. Office Dad collapse.
urUnm us cordially to Interior Inside.
At the wide desk of Taft Cabinet ap
pearance sat a large Kepuoncau war
rior readme life of Frederick the
Great with airvnt eye.
-. Dickinson, these are Boy Scouts
wishing to agree with you on the Na
tional Defenselessness of America." say
official boy.
"Welcome. Tonne Defenders." say
Hon- Sec "Many great Generals who
arrived elcb In militia history started
fcy beinc boys. Look wBer Hen. Bona
THEY Ait.
parte began and see where he finished!
"Which Mr. Bonaparte, Chas or NapT
I require.
"Both." reject Hon. Dick with Roose
velt Administration vole.
"Mr. Sec. please, before dying- for our
country, we wish to know what sort of
army it Is we are adjoining ourselves to.
Is America prepared for war?"
Hon. Eeo Dickinson open his lungs
with all the muscle of his soul.
"Never In the history of gunpowder
has any Nation been so unprepared for
shootinsr aa these United States are to
day. Where Is the pride of Malvern
and San Juan Hills? Went I Where
are the Rough Riders who formerly did
so? They are raising bsbies In Texas
and Pennsylvania. Our Paclfto Coast,
with Its magnificent wealth of climate
and building sites, lies empty of cannon-balls.
In the forts of California and
Oregon a few sentimental artillerymen,
sleepful to duty and warlike alarms, set
Idly reading 'His Hour" by Eleanor
Ollmm. If China, aided by Japan and
Pern, should wish to capture Sausalite
Bay. wbat could we do to prevent that
Impoliteness? Nothing or less. Saus
allto, with its fine harbor and valuable
clam fisheries. Is defended merely by a
cheap Ice-house and a old-fashioned
beer distillery. . To capture California
from this point would be so easy It
would seem deceptive. It would be like
removing the bridle from a dead mule.
With Sausalito one captured, what
would the Yellow Foe do nextly?"
No Intelligent report from me ft Nogl.
"Next step after capturing; Pausallto
would be to march boldlly on Chicago."
say Hon. Dickinson. "Chicago would
be like pork In the hands of a talented
sausage manufacturer. The Illinois
State Mllltla. veterans of a hundred
street cac strikes, would perish cora-fortably-'whlle
defending .the Auditor
ium Appendix Hotel to the last bed
room. General Pin Song of the Chinese
Army would circumvent the Lake Shore
Drive.
"Chlcaso would be helpless. The Hamil
ton Club would be turned Into Head
quarters for the Chinese Army and
Senator Do rimer would be avenged."
WHOFOBMERIV Bin OI T
PE.YLVA.U." -
I 1
CHICAGO WOULD BB I.IKF5 A PORK IN TUB HtXDI OF
AlSAGli HUITACTIREH.'
K KAJSI.Vtt BABIES IX TEXAS AND
(Cousin Nogl make secreUve notes
behind his cuff.)
"A mere Jspanese army would be too
gentle to capture a tough city like
New York, tneyber I require.
"New York City would be more eas
ier to captivate than many tinier
towns." he repose. "Many actors, mu
sicians, financiers and grafters has
found it so. Wby should not an army
do so also? New York Is like the Grand
Canyon of the Colorado. It Is a aeries
of bis; and gaudy bluffs. Maybe If a
Foreign Array should attempt to cap
ture Wall Street they would depart off
too poor to buy powder. Yet otherwise
It is essy. The best time to conquer
New York would be on Saturday Night
when the entire population Is at mu
sical comedy and feels too silly to de
fend Itself. To capture New York In
this doped condition would be like surrounding-
a basket of chloroformed
mice."
-Could a foreign army make a pleas
ant excursion from Chicago to New
York?" I snuggest.
"The 20th Century Limited would be
dellciously restful trip for an army
tired from destroying- Chicago. On this
refined railroad every Pullman porter
Is a college graduate. Hot and cold
water day and night. Killed and
wounded soldiers could be attended by
talented manicure ladles, furnished by
the road free of charge. Warfare could
never seem hellish under such circum
stances." "After capturing New York, what
would be next pleasant tour for this
dear Japan?" I abdicate. 4
"Boston," say Seo Dickinson wltb sad
mustache. "This town of the Pilgrims'
pride would be last rude stand of
American Army. Field Marshal Oram a
would march down Commonwealth Ave
with a million brave Japanese militia.
At Boston Common he would be met by
the Ancient and Horrible Tight Artil
lery who will lead them to ambush and
give them a banquet."
"Can the Japanese recover from this
shock?" I deploy.
"Who knows?" require Hon. Sec "If
the Japanese Army can defeat the Bos
ton Tight Artillery on the hlstorlo bot-
A TALEXTED
tleground where so many dead soldiers
has fallen never to arise, they can sur
vive anything."
(Cousin Nogl deceptively mske war
maps of this occasion on his cuff.)
While I was thusly chattering with
Sea Dickinson and obtaining splandid
Informations for Hon. Jap Emp, there
arrived loud knock-knock to door and
who should encroach Into that room
but Hon. Congressman Richard Hob
son, who was there to see what
could be done to Increase the V. S. Ar
my before Wednesday.
"Who are these diminished soldiers
hiding- under their hats?" be require
with sniff-nose expression.
"Thev are little Heroes, prepared to
die for their country," say Hon. Dickin
son with Uncle Sam eyebrows.
I have been a Hero myself and oiea
for my country once or twice," con
tuse Hon. Hobson.
I am satisfied I can tell a Hero .
when I see it. Washington Is now filled
with spies seeking misinformation for
Foreign Powers. Let us look carefully
at these Heroes before trusting them
furthermore."
Me ft Nogl stood quibbling with
Shaker knees.
Kindly please to remove off your
hats and permit us to examine your
national feature of face," collapse Sec
Dickinson sternlsbly:
Oh no. Dlease. not to do!" I scrape.
"We are bald-headed In our hair and
such cold weather would give us
asthma In our lungs!"
'Remove off your hat, or I shall os
tracise you!" dlb Hon. Hobson with
kissless expression.
At this Iced threat me ft Nogl re
moved off them large soldier hats
which concealed our Nagasaki com
plexions. Hon. Dick and Hon. Hob
look to us with unanimous frowns.
"Japanese spies!" they holla wltn in
flamed voice.
At them words T Generals came
eloping to room. We was surrounded
with automatic colt revolvers. In ex
citable fear we threw up all our hands
and several ot our toes.
One harsh General, drawing his
trusty fountain-pen from its scabbard,
look to us with frosted eyes. '
"So ha!" he otter. "Now 1 realize
who has been sending them expensive
photos of Panama to Tokyo."
In spite of our Jtu Jitsu we was
clasped tightly and bandaged in every
leg with trunk-straps. With angry
gonging of bell Hon. Jail Ambulance
arrive and. assisted by police, we was
vnraaaed to deep lock-away cell In
central basement of Treasury Bldg. It
was a dungeon of horble ghast. juusn
rooms seen everywheres amidst occa
sional skeletons of Insurgents who
had offended the Republican party.
With tap-tap sound we could hear
noise of rats gnawing hundred-dollar
bills In money-department next door.
We sat there one entire week smok
ing cigarettes in the Japanese lan
guage. Pretty soonly Hon. Keep-man arrive
with beefsteak ft onions, which seem
less disgusting because of our starved
candltion.
"O Mr. Sir," we grone, "please to
send to Emp. of Japan one slight tele
gram C. O. D.!"
"I am a Christian In spite of my New
Jersey parentage," snuggest this roan
with kind mustache.
So we send following wire telegram
to Emp of Japan who rooms In Tokyo:
"Yama no dalmo."
Which means when transferred into
English:
"Dear Sir, we have dishcovered valu
able secrets of American fortifications.
Please send 72 battleships and we shall
show you how to captivate America by
very economical warfare. Please has
ten with quick speed because we are
enjoying hungry starvation In Amer
ican Jail. Otherwise we shall be dead."
After we spend one more week eating
mushrooms In Japanese language, we
receive following cordial cablegraft
from Hon. Emp of Japan:
"Dammu-go-chasu!"
This Japanese blessing, when trans
ferred I Into English means:
Noble Samura, what Is death com
pared to glory of Japan? Nothing!
Therefore I shall permit you to die
whenever convenient. Telegraph when
you are dead." '
So me ft Nogl set in midst of that
Treasury feeling useless like a surplus.
Hoping you are the same
Yours truly
HASHIMURA TOGO.
(Copyright, 1911, by the Associated Lit
erary Press.
VAIN SEARCH FOR PEACE
Best Reward Is Conscience at Rest
With God and Man.
"The Prlnoe of Peace," an address de
livered by W. J. Bryan on vari
ous occasions.
All the world Is In search of peace:
every heart that ever beat has sought
peace and many have been the methods
employed to find It. Some have thought
to purchase it with riches and they
haye labored to secure wealth, hoping
to find peace when they were able to
go where they pleased and buy what
they liked. Of those who have en
deavored to puchase peace with money,
the large majority have failed to se
.... a , . a monAv Rut what has bean
the experience of those who have been
successful in accumulating money r
They all tell the same story, vizr that
. 1 -.vn , , firmt half of their lives
,a v a , vnnnjtv from Athnrx and
the last half trying to keep others from
getting their money, ana mat mey
. n in n.lthAi half Stoma have
even reached the point where they find
difficulty in getting people a accept
their money, and I know of no better
Indication ot the ethical awakening in
this country than the Increasing tend-
. .A .AmtfnlM Ihn mathnria of
money making. A long step In advance
will have been taken when religious,
educational and charitable Institutions
refuse to conaone immoral moiauua i
w . . - Uiv, fhn nniBesBor of ill-
gotten gains to learn the loneliness of
life when one prefers money to morals.
Some have sought peace In social
distinction, but whether they have been
within the charmed circle and fearful
lest they might fall out. or outside and
hopeful that they migm get in, imj
have not found peace.
Some have thought vain thought!
. t. ttnllHral nrominence:
m 1IUU vw " - - r-
but whether office comes by birth as In
monarchies or by election as in re
publics. It does not satisfy a selfish
ambition. An onice is cousiicuu
only when few can occupy it. But few
in & generation can nope to m me
chief executive of their city, state, or
Nation. I am glad that our heavenly
. 1 - a 1 a .in, maka t h oeaca of the
human heart depend upon the accumu
lation Of weaitn, or upon me bbvukus
. . i.i n- nniitioat distinction, for In
U& BU1M w. 7
1 . 1 K.it r . w niild have anloved
it. but where he made peace the reward
of a conscience voia ox onens"
Ood and man, he put it within the
. .f ii Tha nonr can secure it as
easily as the rich, the social outcast as
freely aa the leaaer ot society ana
humblest cltlsen equally with those
who wield political power.
Business Method and Religion.
Cleveland Plain Dealer.
In illustration of the way in which
business forms and business cares can
absorb a man. Dr. Luce, of the First
Methodist Church, told a good story at
the Ad Club luncheon.
This business man, having suddenly
decided to Join the church, turned to
his stenographer and dictated the fol
lowing letter:
"Rer. Dr. Robert Blank. City. Dear
Sir: I desire to be enrolled a member
of your congregation as per usual
terms. I Inclose business card and will
forward photograph tot baptism at an
early date."
f.
Some Live Talks With
THE BROADWAY BLUFF TELLS
IT if I may call it so was dressed
neither as a man nor a woman. It
wore one of the most hobblesome of
hobble skirts "but It also had on a fancy
waistcoat and one of those fuzzy velvet
hats that look as If they'd purr if you
stroked them the right way. It had a
bracelet as heavy as a. handcuff on one
wrist and a turn-back cuff on the
A,ft.A- Th. nf WplfT WA.S In
the best style of the American Plate
Glass Company, and" the hair was a
product of the chemist's highest art:
n n it .V,ln,ra Mtiti TT) 1 P Fl t i H. 1 V
feminine, but, also. It had a pair of
tnose tan spats witn mo innso vca. .
buttons enich as a vaudeville actor
wad-, vh.n 4n half Tnnnrnln fir. find it
was smoking one of the extra large hay
and Teea store cigars, us uniue wo
painted on. like a chorus lady's, but the
Kotx ii-a c th. hranth nf a wina SbTent.
So naturally I enopped short and in
quired who er what it mignt oe i
"I am the Broadway Bluff," It said. "I
.,4-tVila manifestation Af the KtiHt
which holds that the man -who loved his
fellow men should nave naa nis nrsi
name changed by act of the Legislature
from Abou to A Boob. You may have
heard of me?"
"Often." I said, "and I've likewise
met eeveral thousand of your chosen dis-
. . ,lm tt t im . But hOW
comes It that I find you materialized
here among the ueaa unes.-
"Those who think themselves the Hvest
are often the deadest especially here In
Noiseville-on-the-Sound." it answered.
"Look here a minute and I'll expose to
you my secret I'm all front and no
hacking."
It turned around and gave me a flash.
Behind, there was nothing to be seen ex
cept the seams. The Broadway Bluff
was like an oyster on the half shell
everything good was on tqp.
"But why," I asked, "do you dress In
this fashion? What is your sex any
how?" "Sometimes masculine and sometimes
feminine," it answered "I belong to
both sexes, several nationalities and
all ages, although I rarely am very
young or very old. I am the rein
carnation of the dominant influence of
that street known as the Great White
Way, a street which, if all the private
Illuminations were turned off and all
the electrlo signs went out, would be
come the darkest thoroughfare on the
continent of North America. I begin
well downtown in Money Gulch, -where
the Death Valley of the East, some
times called Wall street, slopes oft
abruptly into the water. I meander
northward, sometimes full of crooks
and sometimes stretched out straight
like a capital letter I which has suc
cumbed to overwork and is lying down
on its side: and thus by stages I reach
the district where the restaurants run
20 to a block and would run thicker if
the blocks were longer; where candy
i- ..m hv tt.a irat and real estate by
othe pound: where a policeman amounts
to an unlimnea monarcny ma visa
ing millionaire doesn't amount to any
thing at all; where the sky line is 20
stories up and the moral code very
often Is , roosting in the sub-cellar;
where a theatrical manager is a god
and anybody from above One Hundred
and Twenty-fifth street or west of the
Hudson Is but a fair-haired child of
the alfalfa; where the stars shine and
the shines star. And there, between the
two flatirons, flanked on either side by
the iron flats, is my habitat. I live
on hot air and gasoline, washed down
with perfumery and gasoline. I stand
for wine, woman and some song.- I
WHICH DO
WHEN you begin to figure around
as to what a woman loves, you
are almost certain to meet with
some surprises.
The question as to whom she loves is
a different matter and" extremely easy.
About seven thousand times out of six.
you might say. "she loves a man." and
let It go at that. There Isn't the slight
est need for discussion there. A man
that's all there is to it.
But this other thing is different.
You may bring up a girl to be 1
years old and sweet as a peach. You
may have during all those 18 years.
Winter and Summer, shared, as you
fully believed, her every thought and
emotion, and buttoned her shirtwaist
up the back every day of her life. You
may havebestowed upon her the best
advice and listened to her say cordially
and repeatedly that she .entirely agreed
with you and it really could not be oth
erwise than as you had stated. You
may have seen her grow from chll
hood into hopes and beliefs and faiths
and such things not only kin to your
own. but actually the same as your
own.
And then. Just when you have got to
the point of carrying out the theories
upon which her entire upbringing has
been founded, and have placed before
her in the light of a suitor the highly
moral young man with a large Income
who has been calling at the house
twice every week for the past six
months, you may awake the next morn
ing to find that your sweet girl has
eloped during the darksome hours with
an objectionable person from around
the corner without any income what
ever, and with a large and combative
chin, and opinions which In every par
ticular differ from those in which your
daughter has been so carefully reared.
Then, while you are being tearfully
informed by that young lady that this
is the only man she could ever love,
and are adjusting yourself in an ago
nlzed manner to the situation, some
utterly untrained young; thing with a
firm jaw and an eye like a fish will
persuade the young man with the large
Income that he cannot live without
her, and have him looped about with
orange blossoms before you can say
Jack Robinson even' supposing that
was what you wanted to say In the
first place.
This question aa to what a woman
loves Is an important thing, too. I am
not the first to feel that it is worthy
of some discussion. Every best seller
that was ever launched upon a listen
ing world has undertaken to give us a
satisfactory exposition of it. It is fre
quently and oft dealt with from the
pulpit by the most popular preacher in
our fair city, the one with the melt
ing eyes and black curly hair. It has
waked the ire of irascible fathers, pried
ap.-kft the placidity of a multitude of
maiden aunts, rendered irritable moth
ers by the million, and stirred up the
bosom of entire families into an erup
tion of redhot wrath, the smoke of
which has ascended to high heaven in
WIS
represent the district where every fe
male from the Goddess of Liberty to a
broiler with the plnfeathers still ad
hering. Is h skirt, and there the homely
hash of our childhood Is never hash
any more but always goulash, a com
pound word signifying the goo, in
which it floats, and the lash that is so
often found in it, although oftener still
an eyebrow or a whole strand of the
cook's moulting locks. In short, my
inquiring friend, as I told you before,
I am the Broadway Bluff."
"You show versatility in being mas
culine and feminine both at oncl," I
said. In order to make conversation.
. . . A ii i. a t oui-.T-.fi '"it's com
paratively easy. In my bailiwick there
are more men who minis une wumeu
and more women who act like men
,ft.n nnvorhAVA rlnn fin AATth. SO lt'S
not hard for me to shift. In my male
aspect, I cm a simple tning wno re-
1 - klnj.lf ma a fAmnlor TirODOSition.
To fill the role properly, I must profess
a profound Knowledge oi me oramu.
expressed In musical comedy and
t,rin.ii.an!miti arts, but confiDe in V lit
erary activities to wine lists and the
ads in the streetcars, xnere are a iew
who go so far as to read the sporting
In , V. n artarnnnn nunars and t tit)
fashion hints in the theater programmes.
but they are regaraea as tug uuv.
worms. I must also profess to know
about nine hundred people belonging to
the Who's Hurrah of Broadway, and
nobody else at all. L must always
speak of the producing firms by their
initials, thus K. & E. as though they
were a railroad or a brand of under
wear. Formerly "wine" was always
champagne to me; now in extreme cases
the term may be broadened to include
sparkling Burgundy, which, being more
expensive, frequently, is therefore more
desirable.
"The male Broadway Bluff must have
for his favorite quotation that phrase
attributed by some to Walter Pater and
by other to George Meredith, that when
a gink leaves New York he's merely
camping out. He . would rather, he
says, be a panhandler on Forty-second
street than a bank president In Kan
sas and he often has his wish. In the
flower of his perfection he usually suc
cumbs to one of two complaints pare
sis, if he was merely a man about town,
but necrosis of the liver, If he was a
good fellow. If he escapes either of
these interesting and expensive mala
dies until he passes 40, he gets to be
like a mine mule can't see his way
round in the daylight and his voice
takes on that rich and attractive huak
lness that comes of preserving the vocal
chords in alcohol, and he acquires a
figure that makes him commit thespass
on the car tracks unless he stands at
least three feet back from the edge of
the platform.
"But at all times and all places al
ways he has a deep contempt for the
rube. When he withdraws from Broad
way society, he very probably immures
himself in an apartment where po self
respecting woodpecker would under
take to do even a light housekeeping
nesting. He is insulted hourly by the
menials who are his masters. He may
travel to and fro In a subway stock car
with nine million other human sheep,
although his effort is always directed
to looking as if ho had just emerged
from a cab and told the cabman to
wait. Yet with all this he has an in
bred contempt for those who are con
tent to live like human beings any
where else in this country. He knows
the South only as a far country where
the teams go for Spring practice. The
West to him is a small area where the
vm
WE LOVE?
the shape of a gigantic interrogation
point.
"What," demands father, "is this ob
ject you are presenting to me? He is
neither beautiful to behold nor has he
the light of Intelligence in his eye.
He has neither money, nor, I fully be
lieve, a proper conception of morals.
He is wholly, entirely, completely and
utterly a thing to be cast out and
despised. What" and here father
trails off into merest balderdash, ex
cusable only on the plea that his state
of mind makes him say such things.
Whereupon, daughter comes back at
him in a meek, little voice, full of emo
tion and thrills, "He is the man I love."
Nothing Intelligent, you notice, nothing
explanatory, nothing to throw the
slightest gleam of light upon the dark
ness. Simply the bald, .unadorned
statement, "He Is the man I love."
Then "My dear child," sayB mother,
Vyou are far too young to know your
own mind. Mr. So-and-So may be a
truly admirable person I am sure we
all hope he Is but he is not er
quite suitable, don't you think? And
besides, you are far too young to
marry."
"You," answers daughter, with the
regained calm of one addressing some
body she knows all about and whose
mental processes are clear to her, "you
were a year younger than I am now
when you eloped with father."
"Oh, but," hastens mother, "that was
very times were dif oh. it Isn't the
same thing at all, Evelyn. That was
your father."
"Not at the time, mamma," murmurs
Evelyn, well aware that she has scored.
"You simply married the man you
loved, even though people who didn't
understand his splendid possibilities,"
with an eye on father "failed to ap
preciate him."
And that usually settles it. But you
cannot say that it explains anything
to any great extent, can you?
The best sellers, as I have said, put
In a fair share of the time and gray
matter expended In their composition
in setting forth the man a woman loves.
They have it ' doped out er they
theorize, that a woman loves a man
six feet tall, with resilient muscles, an
early Greek nose and a wooden head.
Occasionally they vary the diet by se
lecting something smaller and less
roomy in build, with keen gray eyes
and a hard mouth that softens only for
her. ' And the best sellers speak with
such an air of finality that first thing
you know you are believing them and
feeling so sorry for the rest of the
girls, because these types of men are
rare, very rare, and there cannot pos
sibly be enough to go round.
But all at once you happen to notice
the family across the street. She is a
perfectly lovely woman, and he Is a
fat man who wadlles when he walks
and hasn't an unnecessary hair on his
head Just enough to give his hat a
chance to catch.
And right next door Is a straight up
and down party built like a scantling,
with molassee-hued locks and a promi
nent Adam's apple. And clinging about
h's unpromising angles is a wild rose
of a woman with a heart of Summer
sweetness, who puts in part of her
Dead Ones
ON ITSELF.
only desirable products to be had are
new slang words and tickets on through
trains back to New York. The North
Is a desolate country where some of
his hardier friends go in the early
Fall, before the musical comedies open,
to shoot big game called guides. He
Is not interested in anything that comes
to pass elsewhere, but goes on the
broad principal that anything worth
happening at all would naturally hap
pen on Broadway. If he, by chance,
overhears in conversation, while wait
ing for the bar boy to bring the check,
that a former President or something
of that nature had died in Middle Ohio,
he says casually, Oh. yes, one of those
rube politicians out West. I never
thought much of him he's got a niece
In one of the Sliubert productions and.
take it from me, she's a piece of
cheese."
"The female Broadway Bluff has
many of the same characteristics. She
gets old lines in her face trying to
put new ones in her figure. In the
prime of her youth her hair is always
one shade ahead of the fashionable
color, and later on, one shade behind
it. She lives for her Big Nights. Six
days a week she is willing to hide her
self away In an apartment that can be
heated with a hot water bottle, and
live on repasts that are ready to serve
as soon as she finds the can opener and
lights the gas. She could cook her
average meal on a cigar lighter. She
wears a wrapper that has caught the
overflow from delicatessen-store prod
ucts so long that If it ever caught fire
it would burn for days and days and
days. All this she docs to the end that
on one night a week she may dress up
like three alarms and ride in a hired
taxi to one of the largest and most
ornate places and there stoke up on
enough real food to carry hfir through
until the next time, meanwhile taking
on flesh from the sheer joy of breath
ing the same air with wealth and so
cial position. This counterfeit exist
ence is Invariably called Life by those
who live It.
"It makes no difference which kind of
a bluff the lady is chucking a club bluff,
a Bohemian bluff, a society bluff, a lit
erary bluff, or a bluff who knows stage
people intimately and once actually spoke
to Blllie Burke at an Actors' Fund Fair
her face -gets harder and her brain,
softer in the Broadway environment in
lees time than it possibly could any
where else.
"With her brother, the he-bluff, she
shares the contempt for anything and
everybody located more than half a mile
east or west of the Main Stem. Also,
like him, she Is frightfully afraid that
some haughty waiter, some sharp-eyed
check boy, or some towering taxicab.
driver won't think she has all the money
in the world. Skin the tailor but give
the cabby an augmented tip. Profess a
disdain for email change when fixed by
the cold eye of the hostile headwaiter.
Never order a cheap dish that is good,
even though you want it. Always take
something you don't want that costs
twice as much, else he who serves may
think you are in humble circumstances.
Never pass anybody who looks as though
he or she would take a tip without giving
one, the larger the better I quote from
the creed of the Broadway Bluffer.
"For-the Bluffers know, as has so often
been said, that New York Is an open
handed town. And, more than that, they
know why the hand is open. My friend,
Manhattan Island has the wrong name."
"What name would you suggest?" I
inquired.
"The Isle of Palms," said it, "and its
national emblem is the False Pretense."
tim thinVlne- what a king among men
the scantling Is, and the rest of it
cooking corn beef and cabbage for the
king's consumption.
And in answer to an anguished in
quiry as to what there is about 'em,
their wives make amazed reply. "This."
they say, each of her own, "is the man
I love."
You hio, then, to church to see it
this thing cannot be better arranged
someway; because it is obvious that
somewhere the best sellers have erred.
You listen to the popular preacher and,
right in the pulpit, where a person
ought to be careful of what he says,
that preacher stands up and declares
that women love men who are always
to be found battling for the right;
whose voices are always to be heard
raised againBt the wrong. He states
that any woman would be as pleased
as possible to make a happy home for
a man like that and that an unworthy
party would soon find that she had
ceased to regard him with respect a
little circumstance which would settle
the thing permanently, no woman lov
ing where it is impossible for her to
respect.
When I listened to that popular
preacher I got awfully worried for a
minute, thinking of all the poor, un
loved men who would be wandering
homeless about the world, cast out and
despised by almost every variety of
noble woman. But just as it seemed aa
if I couldn't stand the thought a min
ute longer, I got a good, square look at
the congregation. I never worried an
other minute. And they say those wom
en live very happily with their hus
bandB, too, most of them.
Those of us who have the greatest
faith In the psychological moment say
that what a girl loves Is simply a man
who happens to be there at the time.
They say that if you take a sweet
girl, whose best friend has become en
gaged, and who has a little white room
of her own wherein she can muse or,
for the matter of that, place her behind
the busiest counter of our most popular
shop she will muse anyway and
about that time bring to her attention
a new young man, or an accustomed
young man in a new suit of clothes,
she has a sudden vision of the only
man she could ever love.
- There is, I am bound to say, some
thing in this psychological moment
thing. Some girls are on the watch for
It and recognize it at a glance. But
not all, my dears, not all. Some girls
have other ideas in their heads. And
that is exactly what a woman loves
Just an idea. Put another letter to It
call It an ideal. All the same thing,
Isn't it?
When the girl looks through rosy
mists for the man who is to come, the
young man who comes is seen through
that rosy mist. Isn't he? Sometimes he
stays seen through It. And then it is
such a happy marriage. Sometimes the
girl has . to watch the mist fade and
yet sees that the man, without the mist,
has other qualities. And so there
creeps up another rosy mist. And that
also is a happy marriage.
They never do tell it to you plain
these writers and preachers of today
those romancers and bold riders of the
olden, golden day. But this is what
they mean, this is what women love
a rosy, pinky, tender mist of dreams-o'-love.
"
(Copyright, 1911, by Charlotte C. Rowett)