THE SUNDAY OHEGOXIAX, PORTLAND, JANXTAUT 15, 1911.
6
HASHIMURA TOGO, DETECTIVE
THE MYSTERY OF THE NATIONAL JILT CLUB.
I HFV
HOW 31 CCU AX I
TO EDITOR Oregonlan who believes
that Lot la still fashionable
among- Lowtr Classes.
Ir sir:
Because continuous study of Shylock
iHolmes eclentlflo werka ha mad me
nor Intelligent than otherwise, I am
enabled to aa many ttilnii which col-
laps bafor by quick-eye observation.
Last weak, recently, whlla ma Not;!
was attending Seagull aV Whooper'a
Dept Stora for purchase SSe pajama
uniform for sleeping purposes, I notice
something which entirely escaped Cous
in Nod's Inferior skulL This was
what 1 notice:
Each Ladyclerk who stood behind
glov at lac counter with fashionable
ppearance waa doing so with air of
compressed excitement. Their sweet
eyelids waa filled with Purpose life
sSuffraa-ettes riding In patrol wagons.
No matinee conversation for them. And
a their heads. In TS midst of their
a-olden puff-hairs, each one wore a
ash of pink ribbon dlstinctually lab
elled
"APPLT ELSEWHERE ST"
My detective mind waa Immediately
Jl".ix-ted by them mysterious words.
Ttt must fro Into the cellar of this
deep phenomenal." I aay to Cousin
Noel, dlshgulstng my expression with
Old Sloth beard, ho I make Intellec
tual walk-up to Perfumed Department
where young lady waa there.
"Please. Miss Madam, what do yon
mean by this halr-rtbbon motto AP
FLY ELSEWHERESr- I pronounce.
W mean what wo aay. sha snlb
twtth beautiful chin.
"Where elsewheree ahould we apply
to la next requirement I make.
"When In doubt aak the Floor Walk
er, aha otter froetly.
With Immediate footsteps I find Hon.
Floor Walk Man who stood separata
locking; very suicide. Ilk a undertaker
who had failed In business. Whenever
lie attempt to make amlle-talk with
Ladycler. ah would throw him iced
glance peculiar to codfish. Deep sor-
row for him.
"Ah. exalted Mr. Sir." I say to thla
Treat diplomat, "bar yon noticed with
your Intelligence them strange halr-tl
decorations entitled APPLT ELSE
WHERE? which all your Ladyclerka
are wearing?"
"How I wish I could avoid seeing It!
"h rron conjunct 1 rely .
"What are the meaning of that decep
tive motto? I requlr.
"Huau lt: ha aay. "If I should deliver
t- you th meaning of that Motto my
life would b marked down to SOo. Tet If
Jla keep up w are ruined to pieces."
Tvio are . 1 snagger nervely.
"You are and 1 are and every male
man in V. S. America are. He faint
:!htly by a quantity of dress goods.
Do not be timid. I repose. "I am
Tost th Detective."
"Togo." h whaaper. "I am glad yon
JjtaT cam to preserve th National Re
source. Thla Kingdom In which we live
la now In th middle of a conspiracy. I
cannot explain It now. Co forthly at
one and see what yon observe. And
If yon are still alive to night at 11:1a.
meet me tn th cellar of th new Penn
sylvania Station and I shall show yon
what U."
I depart sneekretly away leading Noft
with ra.
M Norl make walk-along through
the vlllaga of New York. By every
treetcar. pavement, shop-window and
elsewhere where ladles Is found In de
licious abundance we notice on deep
phenomenal. All young ladlea between
ages of 1 and 6S waa wearing similar
Tralr-tlea decorated by that atrang
pttaph. Pink ribbons was observed In
transom cabs. In Ice-cream restaurants.
'margins; out from Jack Barrymor mat
in and all female attractions.
Befor large tth Ave church of New
port appearance we observed a brlds and
room getting into a nac-c surrounding
them was 13.000 glriy strikers wagging
pink rlbbona and decrying with strike
voice. "Lynch them, please!"
"Why must they b lynched?" 1 re-
oulr from on raspberry brunette who
was aide by m.
"Sh has married a New Jersey real
state operator." ah holla scornly.
"Why Is this crime worse msn usual r
I narrate. But her girlish reply waa
surrounded by angry voices whlla that
tirlde-hack escaped among several police.
And I waa aware of on other strange
curio. Whenever I seen any bachelor
a-entleman between agea of It and 61 thla
poor Man look so sad Ilk a prUenghter
who cannot come back.
Entire saloons everywhere waa filled
with young gentlemen who waa weeping
while ordering more Whisky-drunk to
forget It.
One Tart-shape bachelor say-so to an-
ether Person wearfsf Fairbanks legs.
OFFERED FOR THIS PERFECTLY GOOD GRAND DIKES t
"How can American Olrl have such
heartless hearts?
"Congress should forbid thla arrest
wrong." snuggest Hon. 8ilm.
"If Congress went around forbidding
wrong they would auppress the tariff."
aay T aft -shape bachelor drinking fat
tening alcohol. a
I approach upwards to these sad
drunkards and require.
"What have American girl did to make
everybody ao suppressed and highball In
their manner?"
"What have ae did?" require all that
saloon with one whisky-breath. "Let us
have another drink and forget to men
tion It!"
So they did so to Include m St Nogi.
see
M e Nogl waa dishcoverlor hiding In
visibly behind Pennsylvania etation ex
actly at th sharp hour of 1:16. Vast
quantities of female ladles could be seen
gliding -deceptively Into cellar of this
great atruxur. On large Suffragette
with ax stood at door, and when each
lady glv pass-by word. ''Now or never."
ah was admitted to go In.
Pretty soonly one lonesum Gentleman
arrive to us In th darkness. By his
appearance of meloncboly we knew h
waa Hon. Floor Jumper from Seagull k
Whooper Dept Store.
He met us with face full of supersti
tious fright. Under his rear elbow he held
three lad! re aviation costumes marked off
to I9 S9.
"We must dlshrulae ourselves with Im
mediate quickness and arrive inside to
this meeting." he whaaper.
With rapid tangers we pull them avia
tion costumes) across our personalities.
We was dlsha-ulsed.
Strodlng boldly forwards we came to
door where Hon. Suffragette stood with
ax.
"Advance, sisters, and deliver the pass
words." she snuggest with angry eye.
"Now or never," we report together
like college yell.
"Advance Inwards," sh otter. "Bo we
did.
Inside thla great architectural cellar
with strange eight we seen. Imagine
with brain. Mr. Editor! Imagine 10.000
-sxrfceKTO OCCX'PY ,'rn SPA&EJ 333tQ
K?bi Hil ID I I J
complete ladlea of every social sub-station
grouped together and thinking one vast
female Thought! Hltherward and thither
flew dainty Irish lac banners dlstinctual
ly embroidered with such mottoes like,
"We Want Only the Best," "Snub and the
World Snubs With You." and "Climb.
Sister, Climb!"
And each-personal lady there wore In
her hair-puff one pink saahrlbbon with
motto "Apply Elsewheres."
Such mingle of classes! Newport-lady,
candy -girl, shop-performer, suffragette,
chorus, telephone-operation, Vassar ath
lete, kitchenette help, doctorette, shirt
watat stitcher and matinee beautlfler.
On a fashionable platform, surrounded
by forget-me-not violets, sat Hon. Lady
president, her face trimmed .with sweet
smile. Bh rap for order with golden
hatpin. After 47 minutes complete ovation
ah begin by following speech:
"Slaters of the National Jilt Society, we
are here tonight to pronounce our great
movement a complete aucoeas" (soprano
applauds). "Our motto apply elsewheres
has been flashed from pink ribbons on
every fashionable headdress In this com
plete America. With what result? Ameri
can Men have at lastly been taught their
place" (cruel acreeches). "The object of
our society, aa every schoolgirl knows. Is
to form In the chests of our female popu
lation a proper reverence and respect for
gents of foreign titles. Too long have
American lads stood around with mouths
full of Virginia cigarettes pronouncing
scorn-talk against foreign Dukes and
Lords merely because they drink, gamble
and marry American girls who they do
not care to meet socially. But this time
must be past" (bansaJ). "Due to th
untlrelea effort of our society, we have
been enabled, not only to buy Dukes snd
Earls for our girls containing; over $1,
OW.OCO, but we are now in a position to
offer slightly "damaged Counts, Knights
and Baronets to any lady capable of earn
ing over (1300 a year" (loud hand-spats).
"And not only this, in Belgium, Slam.
Montenegro and Peru there hast been dlsh
covered a nearly lnexhaumable supply of
Imitation noblemen whose characters are
so bad that even the experts can scarcely
tell them from the genuine. In a aoon
AJVD LXYJ3 OX HFJt SALARY. A
pace of time we will b enabled to fur- f
quantities of these that no self-respecting
working-girl need to be without some
perfectly good title to occupy her spare
time and live on ber salary" (grand
opera noise of continual encore).
"And now. fellow sisters, I make my
self too proud to introduce to your pres
ence tonight the Duchess of Forkhammer,
who la here to encourage ua in our noble
effort." , . .
Hon. Duchess aros upward and un
wound the boa of diamonds which partly
concealed ber voice.
"Fellow ertrlvers." sb say, "from my
earliest childhood I began to notice that
American men were vulgar. Not till I
met a foreign count did I begin to real
ize what manhood really waa But his
station wa too lowly for me. so Poppa
went to the Nobility Bureau and bought
me a perfectly lovely Duke, who was all
I could expect. It has often been said
that life with foreign nobility Is unbear
able. Thla is not bo. From what I have
seen of my husband. I think I rather like
him. I never meet him socially, because
I have a feeling that his past record might
compromise me. But every third Wed
nesday tn April I have a delightful chat
with him on money matters. Them for-
elgnera are ouch delightful conversation
ists, when they are sober. My nusoana
Is always drunk. Go thou and do like
wise." At finish of this sermon there was loud
explosion and commixture of . noise to
rear of halt All ladles present siaruo
backwards, expressing pal fright. But
It waa merely pro tem. for tney ob
served what delightful surprise had ar
rived. Down main aisle of that great room
marched 10.000 foreign noblemen with a
Russian Duke walking ahead of all.
Straight to platform of this hall they ad
vanced with happy feet Female ap
plauds heard every where a.
When they was all gathered together,
that Grand Duke remove hie sllk-plpe hat
and say to Lodypreeident:
I am a cousin of th cxar wisning to
obtain Jf7.00O.O0O without labor. This army
marching In accompainent to me Is com
opsed of nobilities carefully selected to
suit all rank or society, nowever nu
It may be. From a English Earl In the
front row w hav several Italian barbers
In the back section who wouia man
excellent Counts, after being wasnea. v
wish to make ouick bargain sale, so we
offer our hearts, titles and all extras for
Immediate auction."
O such female rumpage as did arrive!
Lajdy president of that Association hop to
feet with exclaim:
"How much am I Did ror mis per
fectly good Grand Duke, aquare chin
whiskers, decorations and habits In
cluded T"
"One million dollars!" nona Dionu
belle with heiress voice.
"Two million!" yall one weannier
voice.
Great scramble of high prices, till, of
finally for sum of 7S,000,000 that Duk
waa knookad down by a Oklahoma child
of female attractiveness.
Nextly came several Dukes, which
was sold by the doxen to equal num
bers of ladles wishing- to pay high
tariff prloes. $1,600,000 each was ob
tained for these. 99 dozen Barons, 800
Counts, 80 Corean Princes and a Fili
pino Sultan waa smashed under the
hammer for price $900.000 dellclously
Inexpensive. And so onwards, with
brisk selling; like hot waffles, all them
foreign nobilities waa gobbled, till at
hour of 4 a. m. every shop-lady, mll
llonhelress, telephone operette and
chorus ladg had obtained some rare
bargain or another. Each stood trans
fixed with smiles holding; her blushing
Title by his royal hand.
In next moment 600 complete Preach
ers arrived Into that room.
"We must ue married tc the-e royal
ties before they escape!" holla all them
feminine. So with delicious quickness
10.000 marriage ceremoniea waa made
and each lady was attached to her
Duke. Baron and Count.
"We are ao happy 1" they yall with
great ensemble whel O suddenly!
What happen to each of them Foreign
Notabilities with such Immediate
quickness? Each one remove off his
beard and a golden decoration and be
holtl They was all plainly-made Amer
ican citizens which had been dlshg-ulsed
to look like something- else!
There occurred one calamators flop
which was dlstlnctually heard for
miles. 10,000 beautiful brides had faint
ed completely away.
Me & Nogl '& Hon. Floor Jumper
snook quietly In opposite direction. We
waa not sure what would happen when
them Brides came to again. But by
maarlifluent kis-klss sound which
encountered our ears while we escaped.
w began to imagine that there would
be less divorce than is oustomary in
foreign marrlag-ea.
Hoping; you are also, I remain
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO.
(Copyright. T911. by the Assoolated
Literary rress.j
Love Lyrics of a Cowboy.
Robert V. Carr. In FoDular Magazine,
GENTLENESS.
Stopped In at L.lmers place today.
or, a kki: i maxes a pur
At him. an', it's the mortal truth.
The yearlln' laughs an' shows a tooth,
An' grats my hand an' rrlpsrer strong.
While I'm a-thlnkln' all along.
That somehow, since I 'first meets her,
I'm gentled down an" softer for
Them baby hands, tho small they be,
Jes ropes an' ties the heart of me.
R ETR06P ECTI ON.
Twas week ago she went with me
To 'tend th dance at the JB,
A week SCO an' hers I sat
-dreamta' of that blowout yet.
I hears them drag-voiced fiddles speak.
I fsels her breath agin' my cheek;
Her heart a-beatln' next to mine.
An' all the world a-emllln' fine.
Oh. ladylove, there hain't no chance
To e'er fersit you or that dance.
LOTALTT.
Miss Perk eld maid the other day
Khs calls on maw, an' sab. well, sayl
That turkey buszard sat an' sat
An' gossiped air holes In her hat.
Walls she: "How kin you let your child
Run with a drunken cowboy wild?"
Then maw slams back as cold aa lee:
He mayn't be ladylike or nice.
But drunk or sober, hsln't It true.
He never, never bothered you?"
1NCONSISTENCT.
When Romeo climbs up to meet
His lady-bird, he has me beat,
rer ellmbtn' porches hold no sign
Of common sense to me or tnme.
Altho I've rod a night to be
With her ten minutes, but you see.
If Romeo's fool trick I done,
Ebe'd think me loco huh. I wen
A sweet, sweet smile from her today.
By ridln twelve miles out my way.
LIOHT-OXOVE.
I rides to see her through the dark
Old stormy nlzht. without a mark
To guide roe throurh the howiln gale.
Or any slcn of road or trail.
Hut still a stralrht-llne ride I masee.
Across tne neia an up '';'
An' till I reach her daddy's lane.
I never even pulls a rein.
ri..w m me seems clear an' btiaht.
Fer oa my way Love throwed bis light.
CONTENTMENT. ,
We goes out ridln. she an I.
Clear to tne top oi
An' there we lets the ponies graze.
An" watch the oia ramie inrougn mi nan
Plum' peaoerui. sure, wuh wv
v. bead's a-restln' in her lap;
. ,h.n ah. sea: -Oh. hain't it queer.
Wes so content together, dear."
An' than her smllin' eyes I see.
An happy day she kisses me.
DEvonox.
Somehow the blues tied onto me,
I'm Jes downhearted as kin be.
AD SO A w w . ? . . .
-ounoher haln t no ngni
To stick around a girl that's square.
An" make her like him, make her care."
Tou may oe poor, ---
t ..n't eare. T almnlr know
The hardest trail would seem Joy,
Xf only you were near, ocar
. Katural History.
Puck.
The clove ft is a startling thing
Exciting, anyway;
Jt don't exactly scare you.
"Bat U aKe you weui ens-..
Some Live Talks Witk Dead Ones
JOE MILLER EXPLAINS WHY THE OLD JOKES ARE THE BEST.
AFTER making diligent Inquiries on
The Other- Side, I finally located
The Old Jokes Home. It proved
to be a large, square building" of dull
gray, located at the corner of Chestnut
street and Elderberry avenue. There
were flower beds full of sprouting hardy
annuals dotted over the lawns and rows
of ornamental trees mostly lemons and
evergreens. A lot of Invalid's rolling
chairs and crutches were scattered
about, but the place seemed to be de
serted and I saw no on until I knocked
at the door.
The manager Old Joe Miller himself
answered my knock and he Invited me to
come right In and make myself at home.
The Inmates, he explained, were busy
with the rehearsals for their annual
amateur show.
"It's an entertainment that we hold
regularly." he went on, "a sort of class
reunion here among ourselves before
each one goes forth In the world to be
gin the year's work. The full strength
of the company will be Introduced. I
am going to act as Interlocutor, natural
ly, and Methuselah will be in charge of
the musical programme. We will open
with a minstrel first part then we will
have specialties and close with an after
piece In which all the old favorites will
take part. Our oldest member, who
dates back to the days of Ancient Egypt
and has her pictures on all the Pyramids,
will take a prominent part. Tou know
who I mean, of course the Mother-In-Law
Joke, two thousand years old and
still going- strong. Our two newest
members the Automobile Joka and the
Aeroplane Joke will do a refined broth
ers' set. Introducing ground and lofty
tumbling without a net. There will also
be turns by such International successes
as the Henpecked Husband Joke, the
Butting Goat Joke, the Savage Bulldog
Joke who's Invariably featured, you'll
remember as holding a cross section of a
pair of -plaid pants In his teeth the
Hired Girl Joke, the Man Putting Up a
Stovepipe Joke, the Woman Driving a
Nail Joke, and all the other .sterling
brands. And then all will scatter over
the universe to undertake the serious
business of life, each In his chosen field
of theatricjils, or art, literature, after
dinner speaking. Impromptu conversa
tion, or what not."
"They hang on well, don't they?" I
said.
"Don't they, though," he echoed. "Older
than the hills most of them are, and
Just as frisky and active now as they
ever were. There's no retired list and
no pension roll for a Joke. Once a Joke,
always a Joke, Is the rule In this busi
ness. And, yet. even to me, an expert
and a standard authority of a hundred
years' standing. It's hard to understand
how some of them got their vogue In
the first place. 'There has been from
time to time, I believe, a mother-in-law
who didn't have any eye in her head
like a snapping turtle and a set to her
Jaw like the lady who does the slide for
life down the high wire In the circus.
Some of them were really very humane
looking old ladies who were actually wel
comed when they came on a visit. There
have been bulldogs that did not go about
biting the areaways out of trousers and
then exhibiting their hideous spoils pub
licly. There have been male goats that
did not make butting Spring poets off
high precipices their life work. I have
heard of stovepipes that would go lnto
the hole the first time and which did not
make a practice of spilling soot and ashes
all over unfortunate comlo supplement
We Women and
I
N behalf of suffering womankind, I
ask the privilege of arising and mak
ing a few remarks on the present-day
food experts at large among us, and their
various ways.
I have simply loved to watch them and
to read their able remarks, spread
throughout and among the household
pages of our various able publications,
both daily, weekly and monthly. It has
seemed to me that after a while this
would lead to our getting some Informa
tion that would bring us to the full din
ner pall, the franchise for us females.
the solution of the lack of families) among
tho wealthier classes, and mayhap even
tell us how to cook the cheaper cuts of
meat so our men folk could cut them
with an ax and yet not require for the
purpose seven hours of time, $17 worth
of' gas, all the spices in the kitchen
pharmocopeia, and a dollar and a quar
ter can of mushrooms as an appetizer.
Up to the present moment of time, I
am sorry to say, However, wnne tne
thing has possessed the deepest interest
sort of Msrathon for newspaper
space, taken as a source of Information
as to how to dodge the ever-growing
grocery bill and side-step the stuffed
club of the meat trust, it fails to de
liver. In other words. If we women follow the
recipes laid down by the experts, "what
we save on meat we lose on gas coal
having reached such a point of financial
aristocracy that a mere worm on e small
salary approaches It with bared head
and knee all ready for genuflexion. And
as yet one shrinks, with what Is prob
ably all foolish pride, from going "down
be the thracks"' and gathering oneself
the fuel that may be had there without
money and without price.
The diet experts are perfectly lovely;
yet those of us who are daily living next
to facts and .associating but little wish
theories, wonder, honestly, what they are
getting at, sometimes.
There seems to be tho idea circulating
about among them that th average wife,
mother and housekeeper ought to pay
more personal attention to prices, go to
market herself, and not play bridge even
If she has a moment to spare, but put
that moment to Instant and virtuous use
in the study of the cook book.
Well, I'd like to know if any expert of
the lot has ever got right down to com
mon, every-day life long enough to to
go to market herself, right at the places
where the housewives most do congre
gate? Ha she ever lurked where the
retail grocery has it lair and observed
her prey? Because, If she has, she
vouldj hax acted. Joss before, thla) that
gentlemen In white vests. Once there
was a woman who could drive a nail and
also there is reported to have been an
other in the central part of Farther In
dia who did not insist upon opening the
canned salmon with her husband's best
razor. There have been young brides
who knew bow to cook a batch of bis
cuits and husbands who were not ex
cessively henpecked and new babies that
did not cry all night every night. It is
not the invariable rule that a hired girl
must always soar to glory after pour
ing kerosene into a kitchen stove kero
sene is not compulsory at all. Some of
them have, no doubt, used benzine or
naptha. ,
"But in the matter of Jokes, such is
never the case. The public doesn't want
the pattern of its Jokes altered. Old
friends are the best. Through all these
centuries, mankind has been snuggling
up to the Seven Original Jokes and their
offspring and finding them satisfactory in
every respect. There's no crying demand
for a change so far as I can tell, and I
ought to know if anybody does, being In
charge, as you might say, of the clearing-house
of the entire output. For a
man. to find an old familiar Joke that-
he's always laughed at, and In the right
place, too, so dressed up and embellished
and decorate that he has to look for the
point, makes him sore, and I don't blame
him. It's like a Southern gentleman
listening to a Hungarian orchestra play
ing Old Kentucky Home with so many
variations that he can't recognize the
old place -any more."
"Don't you suppose there'll ever be
any new Jokes that will endure the acid
teat and get to be staples in timer I
asked hopefully.
"I doubt It," said Dr. Miller, "I doubt
It seriously. I look about me and I see
the materials for Jokes that ought never
to wear out and yet they fall to secure
a place among the recognized and or
thodox varieties. Mainly, people don't
laugh at them they take them seriously."
"As for example?" I suggested.
"Well," he said, "one- of the biggest
Jokes In American recurs every time
there Is a campaign. It Is commonly
known as the Pure Candidate and it Is
especially prevalent In reform movements.
To look at the Pure Candidate, you'd
think it hadn't been 20 minutes since ho
escaped from a memorial window. He
wears the long frock coat, that's for
purity, and the white lawn tie of con
scious rectitude. He's so honest that It
keeps breaking out on him like prickly
heat. He cares not for the tawdry honors
and emoluments - of public office. Let
others have, if they will, the mere dross,
which Is a statesman's name for money
before he begins to get it. His sole aim
In life, his fondest dream. Is to serve the
masses of the great common people.
"And the sheep-headed populace listens
to his aong and is bewitched by the sobs
in his flute-like voice. It sees only his
smile not the yellow tail feathers of the
canary in the corners of it. It turns in
and elects him. And he doeen't begin
breaking his ante-election pledges until
almost one minute and 30 seconds after
he's taken the oath of office. He ought
to be a recognized Joke, but he isn't. He,
or one of his family. Is able to repeat
every two or four years, owing to a
constitutional Infirmity which prevents
the public from remembering anything
from one election to another.
"Then there's the constantly recur
ring Joke which centers about the per
son there were nine million of him
In the United States according to the
last census who spends his life en
deavoring to get something for noth
ing. He is always in the market for
quick returns. But he never trades
with a friend. If an old acquaintance
come around and offered to let him
take a whack at a guaranteed melon,
he'd turn his head to keep from laugh
ing In his face and maybe hurting
his feelings. It takes a gifted stranger
that he never saw before to steer him
In on the ground floor and then spring
the Food Experts
such localities simply reek with us
housekeepers watching the prices of
things and doing our own marketing,
buying with carefully compiled lists in
hand and taking home the things our
selves, like as not, because we want t9
be perfectly sure we get what we buy.
And then what the food experts never
seem to think about-we go over the com
pleted list of purchases and the complet
ed and added up list of prices and have
a fit right there in the kitchen.
No, I didn't aay we had a fit in the
presence of the servants. Most of us
do not keep servants. Most of us, in
fact, do not even keep a hired girl; and
I know lots and lots of the nicest sort
of women who do their own washing
their own laundry, mind you, all except
the larger pieces, of oourse, which they
haven't the time not the Inclination,
but the time to handle. Tet the food
experts seem to think that us poor
mortals they are trying to reform have
all the time that ever is to be at our
beck and call. ,
Oh. well. I wonder if one of the ex
perts took the Job of keeping house In
a live or six-room flat with at least
three children's shoes tracking in dirt,
and the one below school age to be
kept outdoors sls muoh as possible,'' and
hubby coming home starved when din
ner ought to be ready, and It either Is
or It Isn't and It la wish day or ironing
day or sweeping day and three meals
have to be cooked and the dishes
washed and that shirtwaist you need
so much hasn't been touched and Em
merllne's party dress Isn't made yet
and heaven knows when you will get at
Jt, and pretty soon Bobby will not have
a stitch of clothes left except his Jump
ers, and how on earth are you going to
get around It all well. I Just wonder
if the expert would have the heart to
do so awfully many things to the salad
dressing or to make fourteen kinds of
sauce for the meat she had watched
cook for three mortal hours, and turned
sick every time she remembered the
gas bill she was running up.
Then, too. It is a perfectly delicious
experience to observe how the food ex
perts of this broad land divide us wo
men Into "the poor," who are not sup
posed to have sense enough to cook, and
the "well-to-do," who keep a parlor
maid.
Of course, 'there are scattered about
many thousands of us In each of those
classes; but the main body of us come
right in between; and we have lots of
sense lay In the potatoes early and
manage to pay cash for the sewing ma
chine, because time payments do eat up
the month's salary so.
But $ha scream pomes- .whea lMnlsJCopyriglit, 1310,. iy: Charlotte . Rowett).
the trap. Tou may have noticed that
It's always tho ground floor the drop
Into the sub-cellar can be engineered
so much quicker from there. Th gen
ial promoting person comes around In
a high hat, and smoking something
that looks like a clarionette, and with
ornate Jewelry spangled all over him.
His stock In trade consists of his ward
robe and something which Is known
in the West as a hole In the ground
and In the East as a permanent min
ing Investment, both of which It un
doubtedly is, especially the permanent
part. Next to dying that sort of an
Investment is probably the most per
manent thing we have. J
"But the promotion party represents
that he has preferred stock to sell in
a mountain guaranteed to be Jam full
of gold, silver and amalgam fillings
and because he never saw him before
and will probably never see him again
the confiding Investor asks him as' a
great personal favor to accept his life's
savings and say no more about It.
Which he does. That ought to be a
Joke too. But It Isn't It's a business
that has headquarters In Wall street.
New York, and branches everywhere.
"Then there's the hurry-up banking
Industry. I've taken a deep interest
In that form of Jocularity, too. It is
no longerclassy for a rising young
strong arm to use a gas pipe In amass
ing his fortune. He opens a bank with
a string of auxiliary enterprises to
keep his paper moving. He doesn't
need much cash. The main requisite
to success is to have plenty of onyx
columns and mahogany tables and
solid gold cuspldores scattered around
the lobby. These things Impress the
casual depositor and give him con
fidence In the stability of the Insti
tution. In the main office hangs a por
trait of the Father of His Country and
over" the directors' room hovers the
spirit of the late Captain Kldd. For
a while everything goes along Just
beautifully. Trusting tradesmen and
others come in and beg the receiv
ing teller to take their money. He
takes it, being there ' for that pur
pose. Eventually a bank examiner
drops in on one of his customary visits.
He observes that the valuta are empty,
that the safe has apparently been
given the vacuum treatment, and that
all the funds have gone away some
where on a vacation. But bank ex
aminers are proverbially of an un
suspicious nature and this one Is no
exception to his kind. He merely con
cludes that on the whole the appear
ance of things is slightly suspicious
but can no doubt be explained, and
he goes back to the deep woods and
crawls under his log to think It over.
Before It's time for him to wake up
again the bank blows up with a low.
reverberating crash.
"And that is the biggest Joke of all.
Of course there are bound to be a few
small incidental drawbacks to the com
plete enjoyment of the mirthful and
sldeslpllttlng aspect of the situation.
A few score widows sell their homes
and move out to the county poor
house. A few orphans are turned over
to the charity societies. A few small
shopkeepers shut up their stores and
go down to the bankruptcy court. If
it's a German neighborhood, the gro
cers wont sell anybody a clothesline
without a physician's prescription, and
traffic on the bridges is constantly be
ing enlivened by persons Jumping off
of them Into the river. But otherwise
It's a wonderfully fine Joke, and the
late president of the bank from his
cosy refuge down In Central America
smiles pleasantly every time he thinks
of it."
"Speaking of Jokes," I began, "what
do you think of Andrew Carnegie's
plan to bring about universal world
peace by putting up a $10,000,000 fund
"Please stop," said Dr. Miller.
"Don't you see my Hps are chapped-"
of the food experts' menus. And honest
ly, I think, tho papers are filling a long
felt want with those menus. They are
supplying Just hundreds and hundreds
and hundreds of us practical, hard
headed, hard-working housekeepers
with the material for a good laugh at
least once a week and nobody hurts
anybody's feelings, either.
"Say, did you see the prize menu In
this month's Scribler?" asks Mrs. Smith
of Mrs. Brown. "Yes, and wasn't it a
wonder?" grins back Mrs. Brown.
"What sort of appetite would four peo
ple have if they could be filled up on
that?" And then those two go over
that menu and rend It limb from limb)
and tell about how much their children
eat and how often Johnnie and Mae pass
their plates for stew and what pa say
about it and is so proud because they're
the biggest for their age in the flat.
"Honestly, Just think of making meat
loaf out of one little, stingy pound of
Hamburg and using gas to bake a
smidge of stuff Ilk that." giggles Mrs.
Brown.
"Yes, and a fine lot of nourishment
there'd be in gelatine made out of th
drees of yesterday's coffee and who on
earth ever set a dinner where somebody
didn't want a second helping if things
were fit to eat! "Tlsn't like us 4hey run
about so and get starved, bless their little
hearts," broods Mrs. Smith, thinking of
her three boys and "him," who is an en
gineer and simply ravenous himself.
You could never feed John on the smell
of a last year's onion," she adds, proudly.
What am I getting at7 wny, nothing
much except that when any woman
among us turns food expert and takes to
doing menus she ought to get acquaint
ed with the real people the center and
mainspring of this big country of ours.
And we deserve, it seems to me, some
thing better than advice on how to cut
down the bills, hold our Jobs, and live on
vegetable soup because meat Is so un
wholesome for the working classes.
Now, don't you get mad at It, you dear
things. I'm not saying that a cooking
school expert can't cook. Of course, she
can cook. But if I were a big. rough
man, I'd bet you 10 round dollars that
what you put Into the papers ana peri
odicals isn't one bit the way that Cook
ing Teacher gets her own dinner. I'd bet
you she prints the lovliest recipe for an
onion souffle, and when she has 'em for
dinner she bolls 'em and Just makes a
little white sauce with milk, a spoonful
of flour and a tiny bit of butter not a
piece as big as an egg, believe me, with
butter the price it Is.
And-1 know I'd win my bet, because tn
regular house housekeeping now don't
think I've got too many words In there,
because 1 haven't in regular house .
housekeeping so many things happen! A
woman doesnt stand and cook.
But that's Just what every last one of
ua would be doing If we were to fol
low the menus of the food experts the
things in the home columns of the city
newspapers and the monthly periodicals
that the folk out In the country, where
old-fashioned cooking recipes and old
fashioned appetites still reign supreme,
dearly love to read, It sounds so like the
most exciting chapters In a society novel.