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About The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 11, 1910)
T THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, DECE3IBEE 11, 1910. 6 SAGES t Editor's Not Eootwhit untqu anions crime detectors n tho per. sonallty of Inspector Finney Valentine Like many other boy, ha had the youthful ambition to become a "sleuth."' such aa Monsieur Lecocq or llawshaw. reveling In the romano-s of Poc, On boriaa. and Nick Carter. Hut. aa it happened, he tit graduated from a track Eaatern college, later traveling In Europe, where he picked up a work Ins; knowledge of modern languages. To master routine police mcthpds. he Joined the Metropolitan force in New Tork. serving through all urmlM from -flatfoot" to Inspector of Ivtcctive. After sn rears dutv he retired to Jn aage In private work. Kinney Valen tine was a 'horn Investigator, with an unmn scent for the crux of a mys tery: he was slight In build, steel muscled and cool blooded; a smallish. well-shapd head topped with graying wary hair, a square ntrhttng Jaw. qntet gray eyes, smooth-shaven face; faultlessly dreajed. whether In uni form, muflt. or conventional evening garb, made up a personality nulte outside that of the ordinary thlef cafher. Thene stories, 'Tnder the Rose.- are based on hi many and va ried experiences ) CopyrlBht. 1910. by TV. O. Chapman. For nlh upon two years tho pretty suburban village of Annandale had been In the grip of a most puzzling and provoking mystery, which latterly had developed Into a species of terrorism, tha peaceful Inhabitant, especially women and chllilrcn. being "scared out of their 17 senses." -Beginning with a series of petty and spiteful annoyance, such as poisoning chickens, pet cts an. I docs; rtnglng of church belts at untimely hours; turning cows Into a-arden patches: robbing clothes Urea or bespattering household llnert left out over night with oil. garbage and mud; or destroy ing newly-made gardens and rooting up young plants, there and similar petty outrage gradually took on the .form of serious mischief and even rtme. Tha unknown culprit or culprits ap parently b.-ame bolder through Im munity. Women left alone for an evening would be thrown Into hysteric by seeing- the face of a "peepinsr Tom" at their windows. Stables Incautious ly left unlocked would be entered ard harness slashed, while horses or rat tle were burned and disfigured with vitrl.H. Children caught alone on side street In the dark would be pounced on by a shadowy figure and pinched or slapped, or terrified br a "ghost" In white. "Women also had been selaed from be hind and hugged or r.aV choked: those nd the children, also thoso who hail been fr'ghtened by the "Peeping Tom." declared that their assailant was a man. Klnally. tn cap the long; aeries of enormities, ehed-n. ouVtouses and barna Ihad been set on fire,' their walla first plentifully besprlnklod with kerosene. Kvery effort had been made to catch the miscreant, yet In vain. Whoever it ni seemed to know when a watch was being kept, and for a lime the evil dead would cease; then, when Tlgll ancej was relaxed, the pranks broke out aaew and In totally unexpected place. It got to be so that at last no man or family felt safe, and It wa seen that sterner measure would have to be a. opted. Aasandaic was located In Northern 'New Jersey, Zi miles from New York, and within commuting distance of the . rlty. Because of Its salubrious air It had become the home of several well-to-do Manhattanltes banker, lawyers, merchants and artists. These, with about an equal number of "na 1 t lve" locaj tradesmen. farmers, dairymen and truck gardeners made up a thriving community of perhaps ; t)0S aouls. The place was just a pretty village, beautified and benefited by the resi dences and Improvements Introduced by the cltr folk, wtih a good school and a couple of churches. But Annan dale was till a village; there was no Mayor, local affairs being looked after by a board of trustees, who appointed the roadmaster. the tax collector and tbe constable. The latter In turn ap pointed his two deputies. Consequently, possessing- Da reg-ular CASD-POOKOTNSPrCTCK o iNyrsxrGATCs police or fir protection, Annandale vu peculiarly exposed and equally de fenseless. At first. tramps were biamed for the mysterious outrages, but msny of them occurred In the dead of Winter when the average hobo shuns the open country and is usually snugly sheltered In tho municipal lodging, house of the nearby metropolis. Be sides, neither the constable nor bis dcputle could find any tramps, and In the second place the mischief was done at times and seasons and in localltlea which argued an intimate local knowl edge on the part of the perpetrators. Clearly something must be dono and that quickly. to one day word went round that a meeting of the leading men of Annandale would be Tfteld at the house of Matthew Blrge. a well known metropolitan banker and the leading resident. To this meeting came some 12 or 15 very earnest, very angry and very distinguished gentlemen. In cluding the local physician. Dr. Lloyd Osbon, Major Scarlett, an old soldier friend of Banker Blrae. with whom he happened to be staying at the time, ami John Corrie. the constable. The meeting was called to order by Dr. Osbon. who briefly and tersely cat alogued the long scries of outrages which, aa ho truly said, had made life a burden to the residenta of Annan dale; he ended by calling for action and Invited suggestions. One man after another rose, more often to bewail lils Own loss and an noyance than to proffer some plan for apprehending the rogue. More than one speaker regretted the fact that Annandale possessed no regular police, which prompted Constable Corrie to explain mildly that "three men couldn't hardly be expected to patrol 10 mllea of roads day an night, though he an his deputies had done their best." This was a self-evident proposition "which nobody could deny." One speaker pro posed the furmat'on of a vigilance com mitter the members of w-.lch should patrol the highways In relays of cou ples every night. This bold sugges tion met with no second: few of those present fancied spending several hour of a cool Autumn night out of doors, instead of snugly betweon warm blan keta. Matter were at an apparent dead lock when an interruption came from an unexpected source. Major Scarlett rose and bogged leave to say a few words. What he said was rlcht to the point and solved the difficulty In this wise: Gentlemen. said the Major, cigar between thumb and forefinger, "while Lnot a resident nmong you. I am famil iar Will your irwuuns nuu naic lis tened attentively to all that has been said here tonight. Tenult me to re mark that In my humble Judgment you've got a pretty large contract on yotiY hands. There' a mystery here, gentlemen a series of happenings that cannot be explained by attributing them to the usual run of petty crimi nal. You've got to dig deeper, gen tleman. Our friend Corrie has doubt less done his best, but I'll go so far a to say that the Job Is too big for him even If he had :o men tinder hi com mand. Isntend of two. What you want Is an expert criminologist no mere policeman or detective but an expert Investigator. In short. I advise you to send for my old friend. Kinney Valen tiner So that wa liow the elnspectof came to handle and solve tbe Annan dale mystery for solve It he did. a you shall hear. Valentine took up his abode as the ostensible house-guest of the Blrges. lie drove and rode, walked and played golf, went to church and to card par ties for two or three weeks. Just as Major Scarlett had done before him. only with this difference: The chief managed to meet pretty nearly every Inhabitant of Annandale. young or old. Naturally his Identity was kept secret: some even of those who had voted to employ him did not recognise his Iden tity under tbe pseudonym of "Mr. Atter bury"; yet strangely enough those weeks turned out to be one of the periodic zones of quiet. Nothing out of the. way occurred to mar the Idyllic quiet of Annandale and for the first time In months villagers and commu ters slept peacefully In their beds. Valentine himself was as usual In scrutable. Half or two-thirds of each night, wet or dry, cloudy or moonlit. avi ! mm jstpaqkd: he spent afoot, literally "on the prowl." But, beyond the mere cessation of hos tilities, the mystery remained unrid dled. It was throuch Ir. Osbon that Val entine obtained many personal details about the people of Annandale. especi ally those "natives" dwelling In what was locally known as "the South l.nd near tho railroad track, where were carried on such useful Industries as blacksmithlng. cobbling, whitewashing and laundrylng. But all of the people pursuing these humble callings , were above suspicion Indeed some of them had been among tho earliest victims. Ioctor Opbon was a man past the prime of life, with a wide practice for miles around able, keen and univers ally liked. Indeed. Kinney Valentine was somewhat surprised to meet a man of his medical caMber in so rural a neighborhood, and tone day gave speech to his thought, ending by say ing: "One would think, doctor, you'd find a city practice more to your liking. There can't be many cases here to Interest you." "Not many, perhaps." assented the medico, "and yet It Isn't all family trade. I've had some very interesting surgical operations arising from acci dents with reaping machinery and gunshot wounds, to say nothing of broken legs and arms. But my prize patient lives over yonder she's one the most puxzllng I ever heard of." "Maid, wife or widow?" queried Val entine. "The latter. Ifs no breach of pro fessional etiquette to mention her symptoms, everybody knows all about poor Mary Frlller." "Incurable disease, I suppose?" "That's more than I can tell you. She's a woman past 50. well-preserved, but bedridden for J,he last 15 years five years before my time. To all ap pearances she's well end hearty, appe tite "normal, and all that, but swears she can't move from the waist down. Claims she's paralysed, and the usual tests confirm that. But sometimes I've thought it was a case of hysteria nerves, you know. At one time I really thought Mrs. Frlller was shamming that hors was Just a case of malinger ing. But I don't know lately I've given over puxzllng about her. I drop in once or twice a month, and always find her the same." "Could an Imposture like that be successfully carried out?" inquired Fin ney Valentine. "Lord bloss you, yes," answered Dr. Osbon. "The books are full of "em." Here he laughed quietly to himself "What's the Joke?" said the chief. "Oh, I Just happened to think of a stock medical story. Once upon a time a certain doctor had just such a pa tient. The woman had for years posed as a martyr unable to rise from her bed, althoUHh he suspected that there wa really nothing the matter with her. One day when the doctor called he found several women friends In the room condoling with the patient. In their hearing the bedridden ono began to scold him. complaining that his medicine did her no good, saying she really thought she ought to have other advice all of which was pretty gall ing to him and made him mad. He knew there was nothing really the mat ter with her, you see. "So he took a sudden resolTC. He ordered the sympathizing friend out of the room, and shut and locked the door. Then he turned to the patient and said: "'Now, Mrs. Blank, this matter has gone about far enough. For some time I have suspected that you were entirely cured. All you need Is to make a little effort. You're Just as able to be up and about as I am.' At that the patient be gan to whimper and charge him with being cruel and unfeelingvand all that But the doctor was deaf to that l'ne of talk. "Stepping to the bedside, with a very determined air. he partly turned down the covers, saying: - -Mrs. Blank. I order yon to get np Instantly!' " 'But, doctor, I can't move!' she whined. Oh. yea. you can he answered. 'If you don't get up this minute I'll get la there beside you!' , "Of course" Valentine was begin ning, when Dr. Osbon broke in. "Of course not It was only a threat. But it had the desired effect. With a startled aqueak the woman hopped out of bed as lively as a cricket and when her friends were admitted she wa Bit ting In a rocking chair, very much frightened, but cured!" "That- mighty Interesting." quoth Finney Valentine. I wonder now but what it was he. wondered he kept to himself. However, for the next few nights he maintained a close vigil within sight and sound of the cottage Inhabited by the bed-ridden woman, Mrs. Mary Frlller. But the only sign of life about the place came from a half-grown, half-witted, slatternly girl known aa the Invalids stepdaugnter, and, who answered to the name of Ke xlah Ann. Finney Valentine had been in Ann andale six weeks. In all that time nothing had occurred to disturb the nocturnal quiet. There were no more plnchlntrs, or "ghosts," no bell ringing, no mutilations of horses or cattle, no stealing of clothes, no incendiarism. It looked a though the unknown trouDie maker had been scared off with bis ar rival. Had it not been for a certain hint unconsciously dropped by Doctor Osbon, the Inspector would have been half Inclined to ascribe the whole cate gory of petty crime and annoyances to tramp, mischievous boys, or pure accident. But he had a private theory to prove or disprove, and so he lingered on, taking a day or two off now and then to attend to affairs in Isew York. During one of these absences the out rages broke out in a totally new man ner. Shortly after 10 o'clock one cloudy November evening Doctor OS' bon was driving home at a smart pace from a country call. At the darkest and loneliest part of Main street, where some giant overarching elms made of the highway almost a,tu.nnel, his horse ran full tilt Into an obstruction, and the doctor was pitched headforemost Dut of the buggy over the horse's back Into the road. The buggy lamp was burning bright ly, and after soothing the nearly fran tio beast, he started to look for the trouble. This proved to be a stout barbed wire stretched tightly across the highway from tree to tree four or five feet above the ground. The horse was badly cut about the neck and chest, and practically ruined. After reaching home by driving around through a side street, he gave the alarm; half a dozen men with John Corrie at their head and armed with lanterns, reached the spot, only to find that the deadly wire had mysteriously disappeared! But the marks of the horse a hoof remained in the road to Indicate the spot, and the wounded an! mal was proof that the doctor had not been mistaken. So they telegraphed for Valentine to return Instanter. Once more on the Job. he went over the ground by daylight- The tree trunks showed where the bark had been torn by the barb when it had been twisted around, and, of course. It was evident that a person of some strength perhaps two persons had set the eruel trap, wearing leather or rubber gloves. Beyond this nothing. But ex citement ran high once more In Annan dale. A whole week of quiet ensued, and then came the climax and the capture of the criminal. It was prayer meet ing night at the Methodist Church with a rather slim attendance, owing to the revived panic However, there were perhaps a score of adults pres ent. Including Matthew Birge. Dr. Os bon, John Corrie, and several other men. mostly natives. Finney valentine was elsewhere, but luckily not far away. Suddenly, while the little company were engaged in silent devotions, loud cries of "Fire!" came from the quiet street without, and a glance at the win dows showed the ruddy reflection of the Blare. With one impulse all hands made for the street. Through an oen space between two houses tho clear flames could be seen spouting heavenward in tho wlndlefs air. "It's Cal Davldfs haystack!" some one shouted, and there was a great scamper ing of. feet over the Intervening two squares.- At their heels came Finney Valentine, but Instead of running to the fire he kept on down the street, l acrWfce the railroad track, to the cottage where dwelt Mm. Mary Frlller. the sup pose bed-ridden paralytic. The house was dark, save ror a mm light In the front upper chamber. Dash ing around to the rear he knew tne ground well, for he had frequently recon- noltered there during the past weeks he found the door of the rear entry on the latch. He wasted no time on the lower floor, but without ceremony ran noiselessly up the little stair and Jnto the bedchamber, the door of which stood open. There was an evil-erneiiing Kerosene hand-lamp, the wick turned low, on the dressing table. But the bed was empty! Turning up tho lamp he made a hasty survey of that and the adjoining room and of the closet In each. All were empty; the rear room was evidently where JXesiah Ann slept. Then Valentine ran downstairs and flashed the lamp into tho front "setting room" and the kitchen. Again nobody was to be seen, but his quick ear caught the sound of sniffling, and from behind tho wood box he hauled the limp and tearful and terrified Keziah. 'Where's your mother? demanded Valentine, giving her a quick shake. rTdunno. mister: Honest, i oun- no!" whispered the poor creature. And then with oellcious irrelevance dot ween sniffs and sobs: "I I tole "er not te go cos she'd sure git ketche! B-hut auejest tole me ter shet up!" Where did she go? ' demanded val entine- But before the terrified girl could answer there was a quick patter of footsteps without and the sudden Kanting rush of some person in a des perate hurry. Almost before Valentine could turn, tne ooor was siamiuea to, the sudden draft extinguished the lamp, and the room was plunged in darkness and silence save for the labored breath ing of the newcomer. Finney made a dash In the direction of the panting sounds, and his hands cum In contact with a pair of softlsh arms and shoulders', the owner of which squirmed and fought, bit and Kicked like a wildcat. Ivmmo go. dtirn ye!' the invisible figure panted, hoarsely, with several other objurgatory phrases too sulphurous to print. But the struggle was short lived. In the darkness v aientine man aged to slip a pair of slender steel hand cuffs over the fighting and twitching wrists, and then .whoever it wa col lapsed In a heap on the floor. "Liiht that lamp, you!" commanded Valentine, speaking over his shoulder to the snivelling Keziah. In a few seconds the blue glare of a match Illumined the blackness: then the lamp added Its yel low glare. Tt was a strange sight that met the Inspector's gaze. Huddled In a heap on the floor waa a figure, half masculine half feminine. Clad in a woman's waist and a man's boots and trousers, long wisps of coarse grayish hair falling over the face and shoulders; he recognized from Doctor Osbon's description the bed ridden woman, Mrs. Mary Friller! 'Well, you ve got me at last, l guess. she snarled. "But I led you a pretty dance, an I ve nan more tun than a barrel o' monkeys. Now hurry up an" jail me, durn ye!" And that wa all they ever got out of the termagant. Whether she had been actuated by malice, by revenge for some fancied injury, or by & nenuisn love or mischief, no one ever knew. When brought to trial, the court mercifully adjudged Mrs. Frlller to be Insane and committed her to the county asylum, where shortly afterward she ended her days. But Flr.ney Valentine, thanks to a chance remark and his own Ingenuity, bad eolved the Annandale mytery. (Next week: "The Domino Clpaer.'j HASHIMURA TOGO, THE SIGN OF THE DOUBLE CEOSS; OE, THE INSIDE ROMANCE OF 1912. TO Editor The Oregonian, who la like Truth; crushed to earth he bounces higher than ever. Dear Sir: Last Saturday in the early P. M. or evening me & Nogl was standing be front of the Waldorf Astor Hotel. N. Y., thinking of architecture and other for eign substances when a respectable taxihack stop up nearby to us and a very becoming Lady step outwards. In age she was very trifling, her eyes was deep contralto and she walked like her feet hurt her. Her face matcfted her clothing in expensive appearance. I was glad Hon Rob W. Chambers was not there to see her. While me & Nogl was observing this phenomenal with eyes full of Japanese art, what did this young Lady accom plish? She approach up to us !! O!!! Such honorable attention for mfere Jap anese Schoolboys. . "What wish do you require, Mrs. Madam?" I snuggest, making ch'valry with hat. "Are you Togo & Nogl, Japanese de tectives?" she dally foith. "We are ditto," I revoke. "Accept this mysterious trophy," she snagger with melodlon voice. ' he poke a parcel enwrapped in perfumed soap paper in our hand. Saying which she eloped back to that taxi-hack and van ished in the midst of hacks. With sharp Shylock Holmes fingers I won Package and what see? Two hansom green Campaign Buttons marked dlstlnctually with qoudib cross and nothing else. On paper be neath them Buttons was wrote follow ing secret information: "Togo &, Nogl: Waggle your thumbs S times while wearing these buttons and see what happens to you." Full of nervus beswltchment me & Nogl place these Buttons to the loop hole of our coats. Thusly arranged, we begin waggling our thumbs North and South with fidgetous movement. Noth ing happen, so we continue doing, so to any extent. One week collapsed. Me & Nogl had been to all prominent places of pub licity wearing Double Cross Buttons and making obedient movements of thumb. Nothing arrived, as usual. Our joints were becoming sore from fatigue. So we go for joy-walk to Metropolitan Picture Museum. We make slight look see to portraits of Old Masters and Old Mistresses when O shock! We ob serve 6 financial-looking persons stand ing before portrait of Mrs. Cleopatra. And dlstlnctually displayed on the loop holes of their coats was 6 Campiisn Buttons similar to ours! Mo & Nogl approach up nervely and make wig-wag with thumbs. Them financial gentlemen make similar agi tation of knuckles. Pretty soonly most fattest man of this cluster snuggle close by and whisper: "Excuse me! Are you one of us?" "No. nlease. we are two of us," I beseech, including Nogi. "So good!" say this Person witn stock-tick voice, "The more we set the greater quantity we will have." 1 assimulate this wisaom, in eman reply for me. I Hon. Financial Fatter lead forwards 5 friends. 'nentiemen of the Double Cross." he otter, rthese splandid specimens of Jap anese statesmanship are Togo & Nogi, Japanese detectives. They are new ad ditions to the Knights of the Double Cross. Brothers, give' them tne nan M,an of affinity!" ThW K rock fellows advance uply. knock three time on our chest bones, pull twice on our little ringers ana s no-other- with voice. "We admit you! "Thanks so many!" say me & Nogl, flabbed & gastcd. t nice rour dishonest face," eay this Flnanseer notoriously. "I am sure you will make a good Doublo Crosscr. The motto-of our Organization is 'In Rhino C lw . ... "What is the objeck of this aswociaiea club?" I require. "That Is mystery!" be repose. Will you be at our meeting to night?" How should I get there:" is next onestlon I make. "Way to get there is thus," he snagger i-l- -fin llentlv to back door or utai st. niches. There you will meet a tall Brooklyn dentist wearing red der by. Say to him, 'Freedom and Impurity. That is rair na-word. He will bandage your eyes and chloroform you. To strug gle will be useless. When you awake you will see where you are." "We realize your kindnese. ' collapse mo : Nogi together like chorus girls. "Togo, did you realize the amus per- .naiitv of them Finansecrs by their faces?" require Nogi when they departed away. "Nogi," I otter, "I can tell them all wr their -nhotos. They are men of such high finance positions that tho Stock Ex- h.no-o shakes at their slightest sneeze. They employ United States Senators to stand at their doors and receive cainng cards." what do this Knights of the Double Cross snignifyT' require Nogl. "I am not aware. But ir we are per mitted to associate our souls with such wealthy company we shall soonly be rich beyond the dreams of Lazarus." So we elope hastly to our room ror prepare our courteous clothes for even ing party. a a a - It was 8 o'clook by the sharpest time. Me & Nogl was assemoiea loswer . in rearwards of Hotel S. Riches. Aoh-bar- . n everywhere s. We stood closely enjoying timid paralysis. Of suddenly from kitcnenetra aoor xan . ,cttm whooflng outward. He wore red derby, and we know he was a dentist by his winning-smile. Who there?" he dement grubiy. Me & Nogl," this from us. Advance and give the countersign," he snuggest.. 'Freedom and Impurity, ' exciam me k Nogl. 'Thanks yes, report Hon. Dentistry, hile he bound ' our eyes with napkins and fed us chloroform with a spoon. Nextly we knew we ceased remembring. When waKeruiness arnvea was oiov- ered where it was. We was setting on platform, of Grand Dance Hall, Hotel S. Riches. Every chair was tuiea witn smiling faces. It was a Audience of in tense respectability. Preachers, bankers, saloon - keepers, pugllsts, senators every branches of best thought & Cul tivated culture in New York and Ho boken. And each person present wore a delicious Double Cross Button displayed in the loophole of his coat. (Pretty soonly Hon. Chairman took seat "RESPECTABILITY IS 3VOTHIXG BUT on platform next to stock-ticker, which make happy music. All audience wave joyful thumbs to salute this great man. "Knights of the Double Cross," say Hon. Chairman for speech, "we are all aware of the objeck of our organization, which is to make the American ' home purer by making the rich richer. Our idea is to keep the working man happy in the knowledge that somebody is get ting lots of money. We are joyful to see you here tonight, men from the rankest ranks of life, glad with tho knowledge that the highest mark any citizen can attain to is the Dollar Mark. Some few Socialists and Single Tax gentlemen has made sneer-nose gestures accusing us of being worshippers of wealth. We are worshippers of wealth. For what in this great and true kingdom is worth living for but money?" Respectability," snuggest one Clergy with debilitated voice. "Mr. Jinks, you are talking garbags," dib Hon. Speaker. "Respectability is nothing but Money walking in a silk hat." " Hon. Jinks grow minus with blushes. "Having thusly showed tho Great Pur pose for which we are working, let us resume onwards with the business of the meeting. It is now year 1910" (all no tice this) "and in two years it will be 1912" (applauser "when another Presi dent must fill the White House with his unpopular personality. A great need now bumps up before us. Republican party and Democrat party has went to seed like stale sunflowers. Fellow Knights, it is the obliverous duty of the Order of the Double Cross to manufac ture a Third party!" 45 minute complete ovation. "What shall this party be called, if anything?" require a Pittsburg intelli gence. "It shall be called the Plutopublican party from 'Pluto,' meaning 'politician' and 'publican,' meaning a landlord," snuggest Hon. Speaker," Its name shall stand for what it sounds like." ''Platform! Platform!" holla number ous voices in collusion. "Our Committee on Ways & Means has been laboring all day in Metropoli tan Museum to draw up a intellectual Platform for the Plutopublican party," say him. "You notice it contains all the merits of the Democratic and Re publican platforms with none of their disgusting mistakes. Following is it: " 'Conservation: We believe In it, but we don't think it is needed. The forests should be given away by Senators as souvenirs. - " 'Trusts: They would be very dan gerous, but they ain't. 'Supreme Court: We believe in strengthening this important department by adding a few more corporation law yers. ' "Campaign contributions: Some par ties stre too proud to beg. We ain't. " 'Tariff: We believe in a substantial reduction upward on all schedules. " 'High cost of living: We aro dis abled to account for this laughable phe nomenon. Maybe it is caused by too many poor people owning ottomobiles. This should be discouraged. ' '- This platform was completed amidst cargos of applauds. Nextly. while all gawsped from excitement, Hon. Speaker reported with voice.' "Next in disorder Is the . nomination of Our Favorite Son for the Presidency of the United States." Deep breathing enjoyed C? all. One oldy Philanthropist of Life In surance appearance arose uply and said amidst quiet silence: "Mr. Speak, fellow Knights, it Is with deep emotions of happiness and joy that I arrive here this evening to place before your noble eyebrows the name of One who has ever shrunk like violets behind an advertising signboard. While an En emy of the People has been storming ack and- forthly speaking 'Liar!' to every passing pilgrim, this Man of who I refer has never said nothing to nobody. While a Enemy of the People have re turned like Caesar from Gall talking or atorios In the ears of the mobbish mul titude, this Man of who I refer has set aside with modest self-possession pe culiar to clam chowder. Has he inflamed Hamilton Clubs with disagreeable rum pus? No! Has he made advertisements with his teeth and spectacles? No! And yet he has been a Giant In Politics for years. Too modest to shove himself for wards with exploding guns, too gentle to hit even William Barnes, he has been content to set in comparative security amassing an independent fortune in the unselfish service ot his party, uentie mans. he is worthy of the respect of every patriotic Plutopublican he has served his Money well. What ideal more nobler? What man more worthy than such An One to become President of the U. S. for 7 consecutive years?" (loud mixture of sobs) "Gentlemen. I have the collansable honor of nominating for President of the United States Hon. J DETECTIVE MONEY WALKING IXAHIK HAT." Charles Francis Murphy of Tammany. Hall!" At them words there schrooched over that Convention such a wailarious yall of commingled enthusiasm that me & Nogl was utterly blank. Banners la belled "Charley for Decency," "We're the Nephews of Uncle Sammany," etc. When 1-2 hour of this rumpage had continued, Rev. Mr. Jinks said in brief ly speaking voice: "Religion & Politics should not be confused. If we continuo to behave in our families, a Tammany President can do no harm." So Hon. Speaker nextly bursted up meet'ng amidst banzais. When all was elapsed this Plutopublican gent turn to me & Nogi and report: "To ade the Cause-would you 2 tal ented detectives be so kindly as to go to Good Ground, L. I., and ask Hon. Chas. Murphy if he will be so conde scentious as to accept White House job for 1912?" "We stop at nothing," report me & Nogi In unicorn. It was daylight of morninr; when me & Nogl arrived to Good Ground, L. L Pretty soonly we came to a palace re sembling Summer residence ot Hon, Czar N'ck of Russia. Gamekeepers was driving-deer off the lawn, coachmans in goldy livery was leading milk white cows to water. Every thing look en tirely grand like the home of Napoleon did before he was shot by Cromwell. At back door of this Palace we seen a modest shape mending a leak in a otto mobile. From its eye-spectacles and look of blushing integrity we was sura this must be Hon. Chas. Murphy. He look uply when we approach. "Please, Mr. Sir," I negotiate, "wa are here on Important purposes." "I ain't got no jobs to give out thia week," he growled. "Ah, no, sir! We are not seeking jobs. We are here to offer you such a one." "What sort of jobs can you offer me?" he corrodo with frost of eyelid. "President of the United States, if convenient," we. report. "Wait till I mend this feed-pipe and I'll talk to you," he arrogate while crolllng more beneath ottomobile. We await 19 minutes. "Who say I want to be Pres of the U. S.?"Jie repose, emerging out. "Large convention of patriotic Amer icans." I arouse. "What's there in it for me"' he be fate. "Hon. Pres. receive $100,000 per year and car fare." I narrate. "$100,000 per year!" he holla. "If t couldn't do better than that I'd go back into war politics." "O Mr. Sir," I distribute, "think of the Honor to be found in White House residence!" 'Honor!" he snib. "What's that?" "It is what makes Politics worth so much,' is smart question for me. "We call It by another name in Tam many Hall," he ascribe. Quiet silence enjoyed by me & Nogi. -"What shall I tell them when I go back with this rejected Nomination?" I require. "Tell them I would rather be Pro prietor of New York than merely an ornamental button on the Lid of Amer ica." So we stood there wondering what. Hoping you are the same Yours truly HASHIMURA TOGO. (Copyright, 1910, by the Associated Lit. erary Press). The Golfer. Chicago Tribune. Like Man With Hoe he leans upon his club. And gazes groundward with a-vacant alrt A wretched, brainless, golf-besotted dubr. A brother to the Hatter and the Hare. Ah, what to him the "swing of Pleiades" Whose mind is fixed on swinging on the J.111, Whose only mental processes are these: "I must grip tight, and keep my head quite still." Ah. what to him the pull of Jupiter This muddy-headed clod, this witless, wight Who tears that he may "pull," or, com moner. Slice of! into the bushes on the right. For aught he knows whom golf hath so besot, Tha sky has fall'n, or i about to fall: For heaven and earth, and time and space are not To him whose gaze is glued upon the ball. "The boast of heraldry, the pomp of power. And all that beauty, all that wealth ere - gave," May all have bumped th" Inevitable hour. For aught he knows. Infatuated slave! So come away and leave him to his club. His rubber pill, his fixed and vacant stars, Tis but a brainless golf besotted dub. A brother to the Hatter and the Hare.
