The Sunday Oregonian. (Portland, Ore.) 1881-current, May 22, 1910, SECTION FIVE, Page 2, Image 62

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Copyright, 1910, by the Associated Lit- .
erary Press.)
London. May 23.
TO Editor Oregonian, who must be
surprised how civilized Europe is
getting by these Lectures, etc.
Dearest Sir
Hon. London Bridge Is falling down,
Hon. Thames is on fire and all the rest
of. the programme. When this Chief
Bwana of Tumboland made debut to
Berlin he was received with all-joy by
that Kaiser country; but he was con
siderably candy-happed by not know
ing the German language. Howeverly,
In England you can learn to understand
nearly everybody after a few lessons.
Of coursely he has canceled away
nearly all his engagements on this Isl
and; but yet he has been so muchly
approached by eminent coaxers who
wish him to make speak, that he was
obliged to hire a hall today and give
a informal lecture to a slight few who
needs it. This talk is not reported in
English papers, because the Editors do
not know It occurred. It was a quiet
affair. There was only 51,000 persons
able to be present.
I shall tell you of it. The Lecture
was shot off in a local suburbs in the
underskirts of London. The British
Army. Parliament, the Hack Drivers'
A GrxMit inn nnri nimrlv pvprv AmlnAiit
politician was awaiting at the Station
to make shake-hand so this famous
Rapid-Transitter would not feel lone
some. It was a very militia affair.
Soldiers walking in lines. In the dis
tant far-off me & Nogi could see what
we thought was a procession of Chorus
Girls marching with musical legs. But
on closer circumspection we seen it was
a Regiment of Highland Scotchers
showing their nationality by their
shameless knees. Patriotism enjoyed
by all.
Close behind my ears 2 English Vot
ers was talking syllables to each other.
I could not assimilate the words they
said, but I imagine it was conversa
tion they were talking. Following
was it:
"Hoi! Oi sol!"
" 'Oo's the toff kemmln' on the trine?"
"Ow, ye rottah! Woi, hit's Teddy!"
" 'Oo's Teddy?"
"Teddy? Woi, 'e's the blowk wot
'unted helefants in Hafrica!"
"Ow, fawncy!"
Nextly come Parliament in handsome
cabs. Nextly come Cabinet Members in
a hack. They look like a resemblance
to Taft Cabinet, only less Republican
and more intelligent. Hon. Asquith.
Hon. Lloyd-George, Lord Rosebery and
Hon. John Redmond arrive up in a
ottomobile. They was fighting, as
"I insist on addressing this distln
: gulshed Tourist," holla Redmond, with
Erin expression.
"You are like Senator La Folette,"
'howled Hon. Asquith. "Always insist
ing on something."
"Hit him with the Budget!" snug
gest Lord Rosebery.
"Hush! Tou are extinct!" "'Bay Hon.
Lloyd -Geo. to Hon. Rosebery.
"If I am not permitted my riot of
free speech," dib Hon. Redmond, "I
shall immediately deliver the entire
Irish vote over to Charley Murphy."
Bad sensation from some. Loud cheer
by Hon. T. P. O'Connor.
Hon. Train arrive up with choo. Door
flop out and Hon. Roosevelt eject his
personality completely attired in the
uniform of a Chicago bridegroom.- Un
der his left elbow he carry book of
title "Canned History of England." He
seem prepared for any joy.
"Hon. Sir," say Hon. Redmond, Rose
bery, Asquith and Lloyd-Geo. in uni
corn, "we welcome you in behalf of
the Conservative, Liberal, Socialist and
Irish-American Parties."
"I am having some bully times!" re
port Hon. Roosevelt. "Already I love
your land. Although the British Island
is not so large as Rhode Island, it also
has turned out some able Politicians. I
admire the chalky cliffs of Albino, I
The Tourist From Tumboland Speaks to England
even enjoy the rough riding on the
English Channel. For-the stocks and
bonds of brotherhood are strong' be
tween our two Nations. What say that
great English poeter, Alfred Lord Ten
nesee, about this? He-say:
Breathe there a man with soul so calm
He does not cheer when Uncle Sam
Extends his hand with gladness full
cross the sea to John D. Bull?
"Fellow Engllshers, we carelessly
whipped you at the Battles of Lexing
ton and Bunko Hill. It was our fault,
I acknowledge it; and we as sorry as
we can be. Therefore, let gone-byes
be has-beens. Blood is thioker than
coffee. . When I arrive back to Eng
land, after being in America with my
ancestors for a few centuries, somehow
I feel like I was returning home. And
this is only natural, for L too, have
English blood In my veins."
Loud cheers swell up from all except
Hon. Redmond and Hon. T. P. O'Con
nor, who remain silent like shamrocks.
"And before quitting," and Hon
Roosevelt who notice this omission, "I
wish to pay tributary respect to my
Irish ancestor, who was the livllest of
all the forefathers who gave me birth."
Irish banzais from Hon. Redmond, as
sisted by Hon T. P. O'Connor.
"Have you no relations in Wales?"
snuggest Hon. Lloyd-Geo. with slight
expression of peev.
No reply from Hon. Roosevelt, who
was never called a Welcher, even in
the maddest politics.
First person to make glad grasp of
glove to him was Hon. House of Lords,
that ancient and disagreeable Law
Making Body, who had quit insulting
Hon. Lloyd-Geo. for the day, out of
respect for the Distinguished Presence.
This is a honor only expended on royal
visitors. House of Commons was also
standing . there looking rich but re
spectable. They treated the Lords as
polite as if they was their equals. Hon.
T. say-so for speech:
I am shocked by surprise to see
Hon. Parliament so peevish and di
vorceful with itself. In America we I
also have a House of Commons and a 1
House of Lords. I should like to tell
you how peaceful this American Par
liament gets along together. But I
can't tell you, because they don't When
the English Parliament disagrees they
separate coldly and carry their grlev
ousness to the Crown. But when the
American Parliament disagrees you
have to turn, the hose on them to get
them apart
We are gradually abolishing our
House of . Lords in America. Already
two or three New England Dukes are
preparing to quit the Senate. When
them vacancies are thusly created, will
that Grand Old Commodore, Hon. Jo-
Uncle Cannon, be promoted to the peer
age? I ask to know.
"In America we change kings once
every four years. This keeps us poor,
but it gives us a delicious sense of
freedom. Our Presidents is only per
mitted to serve 2 'A times. William
Jennings Bryan is the only President
who has served less than that To ac
cept a third term would seem like Am
bition. No President should do that
unless maddened by prolonged coaxing.
Are there any reporters present? If so.
I request them to be more careful in
their falsehoods.
"If I am ever again living In Wash
ington and who knows what acci
dents will happen? I hope you will all
call and let me show you a few of the
wild animals I did not dare to shoot"
Extravagant cheers. 48 Lords throw
away the . titles , from . enthusiasm. . S
Dukes buy tickets for Bar Harbor.
Hon. John Burns', Labor Unionist, make
this an excuse to start a demonstra
tion for Hon. Eugene V. Debs.
After this conversational talk, Hon
Roosevelt was led in a quiet steam
ottomobile to Lecture Hall, where his
free lecture was exploded. Nearly all
England wished to be there, because it
was free. ' Me and Nogl was included In
Subject of Lecture was "Gaps in His
tory." The fattest part of it .was like
this: .
"History is full of yawns. Maybe it
is because History repeats itself ' too
often. History never acted that way
when I was In the White House. There
might of been a few Holes In the his
tory of my Administration. If so, they
were shot there in a good cause.
Whet is a. gap In History? It is a
long, silent streak where nothing occurs.
It is like a Hale district In Main during
an Insurgent year. Or It is a great
Secret Spot, where you are disabled to
And out When I met Hon. Gift Pinchot
in Callabra, Italy, and took him to the
top of a high, lonesome, mountain, and
surrounded us with clouds end darkness
when nothing was. seen for six hours but
an occasional splutter of silence, and
when we finally emerged out of that
Secret Calm looking happy but puzzled
what was it we said during that Interval
Aha! that was a Gap in History!
"Gaps will happen In the best regulated
of Histories. When Alton B. Parker ran
for President on a safe insane ticket
what was it? A Gap! It was a Gap when
Dr. Cook discovered the University of
Copenhagen, serene O Pains painless Tar
iff was a Gap; and what my distinguished
predecessor, Wm. H. Taft, said to the
Lady Suffragettes that wasn't a Gap,
that was a Gash.
jui x am not Here to discuss my
Westminster Abbey, May 26.
A Distinguished Tourist was today es
corted through the Abbey by the Arch
bishop of Canterbury, Lord Roberts and
Alfred Austin. To the surprise of all,
this Distinguished Tourist was Hon.
Theodore Roosevelt representing the
English Colonies in South Africa. Two
coachmen followed in the rear carrying
"Who Is this?" require Hon. T., stop
ping berront a high statue of blond workmanship.
"Hon. Wm. R. Shakespeare, a theatri
cal writer," snuggest Lord Rob, who is
a soldier and snubs poets.
I admire his work," say Hon. Theo.,
"but he is a poor, authority on travel.
For instance, 'Anthony & Cleopatra's Ad
ventures In Egypt' is not at all like the
place when I saw it. Howeverly, hang a
wreath to him."
Wreath attached by Hon. Coachman.
"Who is this?" he require by a high
statue of intelligent nose.
"Hon .Duke of Wellington." say Alt
Austin, with peeved expression peculiar
to poets when they . mention eoldiers.
"He was mentioned in history as defeat
ing Napoleon at the Battle of Water
bury." "He was not kind to Men from Elba,"
corrode Hon. Roosevelt. "Howeverly,
you may attach awreath to him also."
"Should you like to see the American
colony of tombs?" require Hon. Arch
bishop of Canterbury.
"Dee-liclously dee-lighted," renig
Hon. T.
They stand by statuette of Hon. Hen
W. Lonfeller, disguised by marbled whl'
"Aha!" declam Hon. T. R., "there i
Hen. Longfeller! What lines could be
greater than these:
" 'Lives of Great Men all remind us
We can make our own sublime
But you've got to get a Shovel
If you beat the Sands of Time."
VDid Shakespeare ever write lines like :
them? Seldom, if ever! And there's j
Ralph Emerson and Ed Poe Ed was a
good boy, but he would drink. To see
all them familiar American faces, I feel
like I was already back in New York.
By your permission I will make a short
So me & Nogi escape away from so
much Life In the presence of so many
Dead Ones.
Hoping you are also
Yours truly
Hardest Part of the Work Is Waiting for His Pay Soma of the People and Some of the Answers Uncle Sam's
Inquisitor Eons Into.
WHEN a citizen of the United
States files an application for
a commission as census enumer
ator, he looks forward to drawing his
pay. When his work has all been fin
ished, recopled and accepted, he still
looks forward to the same thing. In
the latter instance he often dares not
look backward. His application, if
orooerlv indorsed, brings a card an
nouncing an examination in tho near
future, and also a bale of printed in
structions which he must learn, and
which, if he does, stamp him as a man
who knows everything.
Mr. N. de Plume passed his exami
nation and was rewarded with a com
mission. In a few days a portfolio con
taining population and agricultural
schedules arrived, not to mention a
badge not very unlike that worn by a
dogcatcher, a bundle of daily report
cards and another bbok of instructions.
These were followed in due time by
special schedules for slaughter-houses,
irrigated farms and Indians, and, of
course, more instructions.
On the morning of April 15 Mr. de
Plume hopped out of bed, dressed, ate
his breakfast and went to the first
dwelling in his district of enumera
tion. The bell would not ring. Upon go
ing to the back door, he discovered
that it was open and the house vacant.
The family were out. They had been
out for ten years.
At the next building, which was cov
ered with ivy, he had better success.
He could hear the Inmates moving
about But when he knocked and re
ceived no reply, his indignation arose.
Opening his coat so that his badge of
authority would show, he opened the
door and walked in. A horse and a
cow greeted him. He had entered a
stable. Quickly he covered up his badge
and made his departure.
Nearby he did find a building oc
cupied by real, live human beings. A
woman opened the door in response to
bis knock and said: "We don't want
no life-size family miniatures, or no
books, nor no nothing." The door
seemed to Jump shut after the words
were spoken.
At another bombardment it was re
opened and a raw-boned man stood in
the opening in place of the woman.
"My wife told you," he began, "all about
what we don't want, so get out. I
have learned by experience that what
she says goes.
"I am the United States census enu
merator for this district," replied Mr.
de Plume, "and I want the census of
your family. See my badge."
"Say, young fellow, you've got me.
Learn big words? If that library an
nex which you have under your arm is
related to the dictionary, I would like
to look up the meaning of your short
"The Government is trying to ascer
tain the number of people and cows
and pigs in this country, and it is your
duty, therefore, to tell me how many
there are in your family."
"What, pigs?"
"No, people, of course. You have a
wife and children, and surely you have
some relatives who live with you. Your
mother-in-law does? All right we'll
put her down last and you will go down
as the head of the family Jn this Instance."
"All right kid. Thank you for your
kindness, I'll do the best I can to help
you. and you may take my census
every day."
The next few hours passed pleasant
ly as the roll of names gradually in
creased in size'. Presently Mr. de
Plume came to a man who was milk
ing a lot of cows.
"Nice cows. Do you own them?"
"No, if I did I would beat the black
one to death. She has kicked me twice
in the same place."
"Oh, I see. You are the hired man."
"I ain't . no hired man, and I don't
know who owns these cows. I wish
that I did."
'That's strange. Do you own the
"Well, who does own tho barn?"
"It's the pound. These cows were
found eating the grass in Main street
and were taken up In consequence. The
city protects the shrubbery and the
grass has taken advantage of the pro
tection and- the lull in business."
The enumerator passed on to the next
Here, an old maid awaited him.
When he asked her age, she colored
up and said very distinctly: None of
your business."
'But this is for uncle Sam and is
confidential. Surely you have no ob-.
"I have. It is none of Uncle Sam s
business. I don't expect any present
from him on my birthday, so I won't
"All right; we'll call it 50."
"Look here, young man. I'm not a day
over 49, and if you exaggerate my long
life, no matter how useful it has been,
I'll write to President Taft and have
him change your report and discharge
The next house was large but pre
sented rather & shabby appearance.
Several chillren played in the yard by
the front door. The eldest was a girl
of 9 years who looked very bright.
"Is your father or mother at home?
asked Mr. de Plume.
"No, they have both gone to work. I
am keeping house for mamma."
"How many are there of you who
live in this house?"
"There are 14 children, papa and
mamma, eight boys and six girls."
"Is that all? Are there not some more
In your family?"
"Oh, yes, I forgot grandpa."
"Where Is your grandpa?"
"He is dead."
Day after day, the monotonous work
continued. The rain, the bulldogs and
the old maids were all there was to
make the work interesting. De Piume
was earning his money. Each day
brought him nearer his goal, the end.
Some farmers lived In places so re
mote that it would take hours and
miles of walking to locate them. These
walks were along trails so lonesome
that even snakes were scarce.
Occasionally doga would appear. The
dogs that greeted Lear were tame lap
dogs In comparison with these canines
which lived with the agricultural her
mits. The only successful argument
to use with them was a tree. The taller
the tree the stronger the argument
would be in favor of the enumerator.
An enumerator who couldn't climb trees
wonld soon lose his Job. That is the
only rule which remains unprlnted in
the book of instructions, and it should
be learned carefully by heart by any
prospective enumerator even if it takes
the whole 10 years which must elapse
before the next official census is taken
In the end the hardest Job is encoun
tered. The actual work is finished and
sent in. There is nothing to do but to
wait for the pay. That is hard, the
Fruit May Be Eaten With Just Pain Cream, or Ambitious Housewives and
Hostesses May Utilize Them in Tasty Combinations.
T .takes all sorts of people to make a
world, and of ways of classifying
them there is no end. But at this sea.
son, in Oregon, and from the housekeep
er's standpoint people may conveniently
be divided into two classes those who
never tire of plain strawberries and
cream, and those who prefer their berries
with variations. Of course, there are
also people who don't like strawberries,
and people who don't like cream; but as
they thus "miss half their lives." they
may, for practical purposes, be reckoned
as gastronomlcally iead.
Personally, I think I belong to the first
class given always first-class berries and
first-class cream; but there are times
when one has to deal (with second-class
berries, and when the cream sours or
the milk dealer fails you. Or the un
expected guest calls for the tactful
.stretching of your supplies. Then it is
that a knowledge of variations proves its
Except in the meat course, straw
berries may be Introduced at almost any
point in a modern luncheon. As a cock
tail, they may be served in their un
adorned unhulled perfection in fancy
baskets, or on small plates, or they may
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be combined with ice fruit juices
liqueurs in more sophisticated form.
Strawberry soup, cool and refreshing, is
increasingly popular. Strawberry fritters
may slip into the entree list. Strawberry
salads offer quite a wide field for dis
tinction. In the dessert course, combi
nations of cake and pastry with berries
are excellent, provided always that the
flavor of the berry is not spoiled by
heating. Strawberry pie, for Instance, of
the "kivered" variety, is distinctly an
Insult to the "bestest berries ever made."
Strawberries' in jelly or Bavarian
cream, whip. Junket or truffle, are all
good; and as for frozen dishes, straw
berry cream, sherbet parfait or mousse,
any one of these will surely provoke en
thusiasm. Here are a few suggestive recipes:
Strawberry Cocktail, No. 1 Chill small,
sweet, perfect hulled berries. Place in
glass a.nd pour over them a mixture of
one tablespoon of orange Juice, ono table,
spoon of Maraschino and one teaspoon
of sugar.
Strawberry Cocktail. No. 2 Combine
equal parts strawberries, as above, and
fresh pineapple. Use the same dressing
or combine with a little sherry If ap
proved. German Strawberry Soup Pick. wash,
crush and strain one quart of straw
berries, add one cup of sugar, one quart
of water, the juice of one lemon, and a
bit fit stick cinnamon. Let stand on Ice
one hour. Thicken with a little cold
cooked tapioca. Add white wine, if liked,
and serve with wafers.
Strawberry Salad. No. 1 Fill small
cups with strawberries cut in halves.
Fill the cups with orange or lemon
Jelly, on the point of setting. When firm,
turn out on nest of heart lettuce, dressed
with French dressing made with lemon
Juice. Or, mould the jelly and fruit in
the ever useful ring mould, with lettuce
in the center, and use a dressing made of
equal parts of mild mayonnaise and
whipped cream.
Strawberry Salad, No. 2 Combine
hulled berries and cream-cheese balls
with heart lettuce and French dressing.
Strawberry Salad, No. 3 Combine, in
even rows or layers, siloed strawberries
and bananas. Use whipped cream dress
ing and sprinkle with nuts.
Later in the season, combinations of
strawberries, pineapples. oranges, or
peaches, with & sprinkling of nuts or tea
rose petals, and a sweet dressing, makes
the kind of "bewildering" salad usually
adored by women and avoided by men
folk. Strawberry Ice Cream One quart of
cream, one quart of strawberries, one
pint of sugar. Wash the strawberries
with the sugar and let stand an hour.
Run through a sieve; combine with the
cream, and freeze. A little red coloring
is necessary if the berries are the early,
pale kind. When the berries ere quite
ripe and sweet, the Juice of a lemon is
often useful in developing flavor.
The lightness and smoothness of the
final product may be improved by adding
half the cream, whipped, with or with
out one egg white, when the rest of the
cream and fruit Juice are half frozen.
This may be done even with thin cream
if the froth is removed to a sieve as it
rises. The cream remaining unfrothed,
or that which draws back from the froth,
may be combined with the fruit Juloe aa
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