THE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND, MARCH 6, 1910-
IAPA.
NGTON
V fpilf -J ..
by ii&s&UfflQ
Togo Helps Congress"
Abuse the Trusts and
Receiver the Kick-Out
"Wash. D. C.
To Editor The Oregonian -who must
learn to sympathize with all Corpora
tions, howeverly poor,
Dearest Sir:
Sydney Katsu, jr.. Important Janitor
at Japanese Embassy,, say-me yesterday,
"Togo," ho say, "you axe so ignorant
about publlck affairs that , you would
make a good Congressman."
' "But I have never been elected to this
- Important mass meeting,' . I snuggest.
' "Therefore I should get kick-out If I
took set-down In the midst of so many
Statesmen. . How should I get in?"
"O surely you could enter Congress by
eome crooked way," repose Sydney.
"But I would be evicted because of
my dark-skin appearance," I decoy.
"Tour dark-skin appearance would
make you . especially welcomed there,"
exclaim this Katsu boy. "Jo-Uncle Can
non would mistook you for a Territorial
Delegate from -Hawaii or Guam or Porto
:BJco. All these gentlemen are looking
very brunette this year. If you sat by
your desk and appeared thoughtful about
eugar & tobacco, how could Jo-Unclo tell
you was not Delegate Coocoolala of Hono
lulu or Hon. Don Pedro, de Bingo of
Philippine Island? I require no answer."
This method look so easy to me that
It appear deceptive. I am surprised that
no brite Japanese Schoolboy has never
thought of it previously.
So I elope Quickly to my room and e
range my frockaway coat and patent-
leather necktie. Then with Cousin Nogi
I go forthly to Capitol Bldg.
"While you are setting in Congress
where shall I be?" require Nogi.
"You shall stand outside door with
bandages & arnica, in case I arrive out
too unexpectedly," I report with nerves.
When I approach inside Hon. House
of Representatives I was snatched Im
mediately by Hon. Bouncer-at-arma who
look to me with ticket-taking- expres
sion.
"Name, if any." he requesh.
"I am Delegate Hashmiura," I report
with snip-nose.
'Where from, please?" This he say.
"From Japan," I segregate hottily.
"I did not know that Japan was an
nexed to the U. S." he snuggest sheep
fully. "I will forgive your ignorance," I cot
lapse. So this Republican gatekeeper
reloose his grab and permit me to de
part onwards.
I seen a lonesome desk close-by to
Rep. Fowler of N. J. and in, this insur
gent neighborhood I set down softly,
with sly expression peculiar to snakes.
As soonly as I was sifllclently snuggled
down, I could observe that entire House
of Congress was feeling- very bad about
something. Rep. Dazzle of Penn was
wiping sorry tear-draps from his eyes.
Several Regular Republicans was sob
bing behind their newspapers. Congress
man Nick Longworth, was taking notes
on the edge of his brocade cuff.
"Why are Congress acting so grave
yard this A. XL?" I require of Hon. Butler
Aims who set nearly by me. "Why do it
weep?""
"We have just been reading Taft's
message on Federal control of corpoxa
tions," he sub, "and we are so sorry for
the trusts that we can't scarcely com
press" our emotions."
"But you are a insurgent," I annotate.
"Are you -not flavorable to stabbing them
trusts In any way possible?""
"The trusts should be stabbed," he
abstract, "but they should not be mang
"SOME
THE reader will be Interested to know
that Henry the Eighth has changed
but little since the last time he sat
for a likeness? His face still has that
interesting shape to it like a pineapple
cheese with a fringe of mould around
the bulge and his eyes still resemble twin
blemishes in the upper end of a Bartlett
pear. In this respect he differs very
much from Columbus, whose last illness
is said to have, been brought on by try-
Ing to look like all the pictures of him.
But of course Columbus was painted by
artists of so many nationalities. When
a German painted him he made a Ger
man Columbus, who appeared as if he
might be setting out to discover a good
corner delicatessen store or a nice quiet
place to commit suicide by gas, but if a
Frenchman tackled the Job we had a
French Columbus with "Van Dyke whis
kers and a constant longing to get ex
cited and kiss somebody. And so on.
But with Henry the Eighth this was not
the case. He was mainly painted by
British painters, who showed the influ
ence of the national school of art by
doing him in under-done tints like a
slice of medium-roast beef, with a nose
modeled after the national flower, which
is the brussels sprout, and an expression,
out of the eyes, like one who has Just
eaten a suet and kidney pudding weigh
ing about four pounds at the start but
much more afterwards.
I told him I had come to get his views
on the question of woman's suffrage, be
cause he was generally regarded as hav
ing had as much experience with the
various phases of the female tempera
ment as almost anybody in history. It
was at his suggestion that we called in
Brigham Young, who also happened to
be in the Shady Shades' Club at the time
of my visit there.
"We'll have Brigham in if you don't
mind," said the King. "Speaking as one
married man of another, I would value
his views very highly. He mainly
bunched his wives while mine- were
strung along one at a time so that his
opportunities for observation and com
parison were even better. Lovely fel
low, Brigham. When Washington Isn't
around we often call him the Father of
His Country, in Jest. And not so much
of a Jest either, if you could see Brig
ham's family tree. It looks like a chart
of the human circulation. Just press
that button behind you and wo'll have
him pased."
"If King Solomon is around too " I
began.
"No. I wouldn't ask Solomon to Join
our little married men's symposium."
.eaid Kins Henrjfc "Hera la the club we.
led. It Is the brutality of our President
that turns our blood green."
But I commence buttishly.
Hush!" compose Hon. Alms. "Repre
sentative Parker of New Jersey, intend
to read some more from this depressing
document.''
So tills Parker man aroused up from
his seat with his hand full of typewriting.
"The next fatal paragraph of this cor
poration control message ta called article
I STAND TO THE FULL. HEIGHT OF MY SHORTNESS, LIKE A LEGISLA
TIVE SAM URAL..
Q, section 23 'How to Fix a Trust So He
Can't Escape and Change His Name.'
Following is it:
'Federal trust chasers has so oftenly
complained of the mean habits of these
pestivalous animals, that it seems very
high time to Invent some Bertillon sys
tem of measurements, so that a trust,
when caught, can't elope away into some
other state and change bis name. Fol
lowing examination should be given to
every trust arrested for disorderly con
duct: " 1 Color of eyes, teeth & hair (If
any.)
" 2 Were your Parents also in the bur
glar business?
" '8 When spoken to by Jim Garfield
why didn't you behave?
" '4 Who Is your representative la XT.
6. Senate?
" B Did you have any criminal In
stincts before you employed Corporation
Lawyer?
" 'After answering them Questions
Hon. Trust should be allowed- to read
the Tariff Schedule and take religious
consolation. Then he shall be led before
any Committee agreeable to the Consti-
LIVE TALKS WITH DEAD ONES"
regard Solomon as being practically in
the professional class. Even Hoch, the
late Chicago bigamist, who Is employed
as our Janitor, admits that alongside of
Solomon he's a, mere amateur."
So I rang the bell and when one of the
pages answered King Henry sent him to
find Brigham Young. . who soon came In
and was introduced and took a chair
and cigar. He wore black broadcloth,
high boots and the mark of the marry
ing man everywhere chin whiskers. He
also, used chewing tobacco.
"Let's see," said the King. "You
wanted my opinion on this suffrage
proposition, didn't you? Well candidly I
don't believe I can give the notion my
indorsement. What with each new In
cumbent objecting to making over her
predecessor's trousseau to fit her and
kicking against the other wives' pictures
being in . the bedroom, I had trouble
enough in the royal establishment as it
was. If some female had been going
around all day breaking the palace win
dows and shoutings "Votes for women"
when I wanted to take a nap I honestly
don't believe I could ever have stood it."
"Henry, you know, changed wives al
most as often as other people change
hired girls," put in Brigham. "He had
awfully bad luck with them."
"Yes," said the King, "especially with
those named Catherine. I reckon, Brig
ham, you never had a wife named
Catherine ?"
"Let me see," said the Prophet. "It
seems to me there was a little red
haired one sealed to me down in the
southern part of the state that was named
Catherine no, that was Clarissa. I can
always remember better by running over
the list alphabetically. Let's see Agnes,
Agatha, Asia Minor, Bertie, Belladonna,
Capsicum she was named out of a medi
cal work by her parents Carrie, Cutie,
Clarissa no, I guess I never had a wife
named Catherine. Funny how I come to
overlook that bet."
"Well you didn't miss much. Judging
by my experience." eaid the King. "I
had three. My first wife was named
Catherine and also my last one, who
survived me she could survive anything,
that woman could-r-and then there was
my fifth Catherine Howard, the one that
I lost through a fatal accident that hap
pened to her up at the Tower early one
morning. She was too long to wear
Annie of Cleves' old clothes and shorten
ing her -down eo they would fit her the
head man unfortunately took oft a little
too much and she died from it. And the
first one I divorced. She certainly was
a fussy creature, was that same Catherine
of Arragon. Brig, you never divorced
any. pf your aa 1 recall?' .
tution and Hon. Joseph, G. Cannon,
where he shall be executed es inhumanly
as possible.' "
Funeral silence enjoyed by all, except
Hon. Vic Burdock, who uprose upon his
feet with some loud laughs which sound
very Kansas. Hon Jo-Uncle Cannon
make knock" to desk with peevish ham
mer. "Why should Wichita lnterrup these
services with his horse guffaws?" ex
plode this Cannon.
"I am giving my laughs," report Hon
Burdock, "because there Is a Joker In
that Bill."
"I do not see anything very Puck &
Judge about that dignified manuscrip
Why must you snigger7" This from
Jo-Uncle.
"That Bill 6ay "the Trust-killing
Committee must be agreeable to the
Constitution and Jo-Uncle Cannon, "
snuggest Hon. Burdock. "Now, Mr.
Speak, it seem very humoristlck to me
that you and the Constitution should
be such dear College Chums that you
never do nothing separate. Also. I
ask to know, what Committee would
you give that Trust-killing job to. If
permitted?"
"Any Committee that Is good enough
for the Tariff Is good enough for the
Trusts," dib Jo-Uncle proudlshly. "I
should give that disagreeable job to
the Committee on Ways & Means, as
usual."
"I cannot see how such a committee
eould ever murder a Trust unless they
choked him to death with high-life
WIV-75 -ALMO-STJS Or.TLE7.Nr
gitsXiS," mid. -BjeiG-tiri,
"No " paid Brigham. T bated to break i- a proper assortment together.
the eat; X'd fced too much iroufcla getting
feeding.' rents that golden-haired cyclone.
"You are out of order, as usual,"
bang-up Jo-Uncle. So Hon. Vio Bur
dock insurge back to his seat.
Hon. Serene O'Pain arise reverently
to bis bootware.
'Since it have been at last decided, by
the Regular Wing of the Republican
Party that the Trusts must go," be say
with ad valorem voice, "let us not set
around In sensational idleness, but let us
go right ahead with the ghastly work.
Let, us reduce these Octopusses syste
matically, the way we reduced the Tariff.
Let us - begin with A aiid murder them
alphabetically. The Asphalt Trust, the
(Beef Trust, the Candy Trust, the Dyna
mite Trust, the Egg Trust and so onwards
down to the Xylaphone Trust, which rep
resents X and ends this trajick list. Let
us begin this sickening slaughter as
soonly as possible, while we are still
bloodthirsty."
'Is there not some way to smother
these Trusts secretly so that Wall street
will not suspect the horrid truth and get
nervous paralysis?" pronounce Hon.
Champion Clark.
"It is Impossible," otter Hon. Serene
O'Pain. - "In this age of stress and shove
it Is impossible to be honest without dis
turbing business conditions.",
The souls of all present become more
and more pressed with grief. A boyish
statesman from O-Hlo tore out his mus
tache. Rep Dazzle of Penn make deep
grones like a striken mule.
"Ain't there do one present to say some
kind words for the Trusts before they
quit?" he gawsp.
With a loud banzai I push myself to my
feets. I stand to the full height of my
shortness, like a legislative samurai.
"Hon. Gents & Jo-Uncle," I yall, "be
fore you do this dashery trick snug
gested by Atty Gen. Wickersham and
other enemies of Corpora tione, please
pause and stop! Kindly explain to my
Japanese Schoolboy mind what would
America do when all Trusts has went?
There is several other things this king
dom can get along without. Army &
navy Is extra, perhaps, because wars is
scarce since Hon. Carnegie went Into the
peace business. America can struggle on
wards without Suffragettes, without
8trlkes, without Musical Comedies and
other species of debased Art- But Trusts!
when they have departed off to complete
zero, what will Hon. Deraocratick Party
do for Campaign Speeches, when all else
fails? How will we find work for Inter
State Commerce Commission to do, and
where will the Republican Party go for
campaign contributions? Will not America
wither up like frozen potatoes and cease
sprouting without them Trusts? Will not
the European Aristocracy quit arriving to
New Jersey with marriage license ex
pression? Moreoverly, what would become
of our plain & fancy literature, when
Hon. N. Y. Journal no longer had them
dear Monsters to shoot at with mad-dog
editorials?
"Ah no, Mr. Speak, if you and Serene
O'Pain and the other insurgents destroys
the Criminal Corporations not only will
several bright political careers be blasted
off, but every American consumer roust
go to bed with that new and uncomfort
able feeling that he is not being robbed
by the Trusts. Therefore the fact that
he Is not getting rich will be nobody's
fault but his own."
Great sensational feelings enjoyed by
all when I complete this eloquent ora
torio.
"From what part of Wisconsin did yon
insure from?" inquire Jo-Uncle looking
at me with ice-water eye.
"From Japan, please," I agitate.
Hon. Jo-Uncle whistle to Hon- Bouncer-
at-arms, who come with muscle.
"Please bounce this Yellow Peril back-
to his natural element," he dib.
There was
Lone .Ann EUmx ::4Bth, X iihlnk aha
"AFTER ANSWERING THEM QUESTIONS HON. TRUST SHALL BE EXECUTED AS INHUMANLY AS POSSIBLE.'
So the Hercules officer drag me to
door by the hemstitch of my collar. And
nextly I knew I was bumped harshly to
the feet of my Cousin Nogi, where I
layed with my ambition broke in several
places.
"When you got into Congress so nice
Reporter Is Now the Kitij
King Albert of the Belgians can
boast of being the only reigning sov
ereign of Kurope who has done news
paper work as a reporter. For the last
four years he has -carried about with
him everywhere a reporter's card, duly
stamped in accordance with the require
ments of the Belgian police authorities,
and accrediting him, under his lncognl-to-name,
devoid of any nobiliary title,
as a representative and reporter of a
weekly Belgian newspaper devoted to
maritime questions and affairs of every
kind. He made abundant use of this
card. for. still more deeply Interested
even than King Leopold In the develop
ment of the maritime trade of Belgium,
in the growth of its mercantile marine
and in the extension-of the resources
and prosperity of Antwerp as the prin
cipal commercial port of Continental
Europe, he spent much of his time in
1 who did go through the form of trying to
Uvarca tn but i neves- counted her an.
ly, why did you not hold onto your
seat?" require Nogi doggishly.
"I tried to." I gollup, "but it was
screwed down to the floor."
Hoping you are the ssune
HASHI1ICRA. TOGO.
(Copyright. 1910, by the Associated Liter
ary Press.)
visiting and examining in the most ex
haustive manner the various ports, har
bors, shipyards, etc. In France, Italy.
Germany, Austria, Great Britain and
Scandinavia, visiting them as a mere
expert newspaper writer who had made
a study of such matters, and being
treated as such by the people to whom
he went for information, and who were
in every case Ignorant of the fact that
he was the future King of the Belgians.
That he should have been able to
preserve his Incognito successfully was
due to the fact that until his succession
recently his appearance, although
tolerably familiar in Belgium, was com
paratively unknown abroad. Moreover,
his glasses and the diversity of the
manner of arranging his beard, which
he has now shaved off, rendered it
sometimes difficult even for his own
fellow countrymen to recognizs him
abroad when traveling about alone.
HENRY VIII AND BRIGHAM YOUNG DISCUSS
WOMAN SUFFRAGE
The collection was practically completed
without Ann Eliza, anyway.
"But Hank, my dear fellow." went on
Mr. Young turning to the King, "our
young friend didn't come all the way here
from the United States to hear two old
married men indulge in domestic remi
niscences. .. As I understand it he wants
to get our views on thia woman's suf
frage issue."
"Quite so, quite so," said the King
amiably. "Then we'll drop the individual
cases and consider women as a sex. I
may not bo as good a Judge as you
Brigham, but taking them by and large,
which. was the way I always took them,
it occurs to me that women, tempera
mentally speaking, are not properly gaited
to exercise the ballot. If the franchise
were something that changed every year
like the French fashion designs, and
could be done over and altered and have
a polonaise or something tacked into it,
I'm not sure but what its popularity
might endure. But no woman could stay
permanently enthused over a privilege
that remained practically the same year
after year, any more than she could
stand the thought of going through a
house-cleaning season without switching
all the bedroom furniture around Into
newer and more awkward positions. I
take it that the right of suffrage appeals
to some women like a new house on
her street does to any one of them. She's
unhappy until she gets into it and looks
it over, but she wouldn't be satisfied to
live in it at all unless she could make
a few radical alternations immediately."
"They've been the same in all ages."
interjected the Prophet with a sigh.
"They're the most changeable things in
the world, and yet they never change a
bit. Your remark, Henry, about new
houses, reminds me of the troubles I
had staking out all the various Misses
Youngs in Salt Lake City. My monthly
bills at the wallpaper store alone would
stagger your imagination. And when
the Queen Anne craze in cottage archi
tecture became violent well, when I
think of the number of insane cupolas
and demoniac dormers that I had to
plaster all over that double row of choice
family residences it makes me sick at
heart, even after all these years. What
one had. all of 'em had to have, and
have it simultaneously, too or there was
trouble clouding up around la or 20
hearthstones for your Uncle Brieham.
And suppose, on top of all that, they'd
had the ballot? Where would I be as
their lord and master where would I
come in. outvoted 20 to 1 or thereabouts?
Could. any man maintain tho proper dis
cipline at home if he was a hopeless
mlno.ri.ty at-the polls? Think -of me-try-
without any attendant, as a mere news
paper reporter.
Albert has not yet shown the same
taste for yachting which was so marked
a characteristic of the late King, but
he surpasses him In his determination
to render Belgium a maritime power,
and may be relied on to emulate the ex
ample of Emperor William: at any rate.
In so far as the creation of a great mer
cantile navy is concerned. Toronk
Canada, World.
Br Cool SLloam's Shady Kill.
By cool Kilo am' shady rill
How sweet the Illy grows!
How sweet the breath beneath the hill
Of Sharon's dewy rose!
Lo! such the child whose earthly feet
The patHs of peace have trod:
Whose secret heart with influence sweet.
Is upward drawn to Qod!
By cool Slloam's shady rill
The lily muBt decay:
The rose that blooms beneath the hill
Must shortly fade away.
And soon, too soon, the wintry hour
Of man's maturer age
Will shake the soul with sorrow's power.
And stormy passion's rase!
O thou, whose Infant feet were found
Within the Father's shrine!
Whose years, with chaneeless virtue
crowned.
Were all alike divine.
Dependent on thy bounteous breath
We seek thy grace alone.
In childhood, manhood, age and death.
To keep us still thine own!
Reginald Heber.
ing to keep a whole hunch of strong
minded Utah ladies in order when the
best I could get in the general election
results was a brief mention under the
head of 'Scattering.' I'd a been beaten
before I started."
"And yet," went on the King without
apparently noticing the interruption.
"And yet I will not gainsay that In some
fields woman shows a degree of discern
ment that 13 actually remarkable, con
sidering her sex. I recall distinctly that
any one of my wives could pass any
other woman hurriedly In a crowd and
only see her. for a second and yet be
able to tell six months afterwards ex
actly how she was dressed and whether
her frock was. new or an old one done
over, and what it was trimmed with and
whether it buttoned up the back or not,
and whether her complexion was real or
artificial and nine thousand other details
that I couldn't have noted in a week
or memorized in a year."
"They were that way in my time, back
in the early 70's." said the Prophet. "I
used to marvel at it." '
"And are yet." I interjected softly.
"But I never saw the woman who could
cross a busy crossing without getting
excited in the middle of the street and
fluttering back and forth like a demented
pullet until some man either ran over
her with his team or took pity on her
and rescued her," went on the King.
"And since women began to get active
in club life I've observed from my read
ing of the daily papers that they have
the same idea of parliamentary proced
ure that a barnyard full of hens would
have if each hen had Just achieved an
egg and wished to advertise the fact in
the customary way."
"Then you agree with me thoroughly
that It is undesirable from the stand
point of the stronger sex that women
should have the ballot?" said Brigham
Young. "Even If a man has only one
wife he's handicapped Isn't he. if Ehe
has just as many votes as he has?"
"Oh, yes, I agree with you there." said
the King, "but even with female suf
frage, I believe that I could still have
ruled my own household with all the
firmness and authority that I showed,
throtignout my reign." said Henry. "I
believe that I could do so today."
"Hank." said Mr. Young, "have you,
with your knowledge of women, the
nprvo to make such a statement and
stl-k to it?"
"I have," was the answer given in a
firm tone of voire.
"Then." said Mr. Young, "when your
loving subjects called you Bluff King
Hal I know which word they put t&a
accent on,"