THE SUNDAY OREGOSIAN, PORTLAND, 3IA11CIT 6, 1910.
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JTBICTUY SCIENTIFIC THESIS
WITH SSDfc REMARKS W.
DISTORTED
BT MAT KELLY.
POSITION! Ah. the magic word! It's
really position that's the key to
every situation In life, from the
struggling football player endeavoring
to, -wriggle up and get the other fel.
low' neck under his own heel, to the
society miladi enduring: coll glances
In order to get where she herself can
control an effective, extensive, and
aristocratic assortment of snubs.
Position! The word reeks with pos
sibilities. That poor, greedy man in
the fairy tale who found himself with
& pudding on the end of his nose, real
ized to the deepest depths of his being
the full significance of this word! It
was a grand pudding; plummy, prob
ably brandy-soaked, undoubtedly
but It had to go! Position must be con
sidered, even at the expense of a fairy's
wish.
But position. If you please, really
takes on Its greatest Importance when
considered In relation to health; more
particularly, the position of our limbs
during the balmy hours of sleep.
We know all about the proper posi
tion of the body during slumber, for
various learned articles in the Sunday
papers have warned us not to sleep on
the left side on account of the heart, nor
on the right, for fear of crumpling up
the liver, nor on the stomach, because
of crowding the solar plexus, nor on
the back for numerous other good and
sufficient reasons; and we are lucky
mortals indeed that so far we've been
allowed to sleep on the bed.
However and here's a chance to put
one over they haven't told us how to
place our arms and legs so as to insure
gentle sleep and plenty of it; therefore.
In as scientific a way as possible, this
article will cope with the situation
hoping that coping Is understood by
all.
These are scientific days, and for
every act. from washing the face in
the morning to blowing out the gas in
the evening, there are never-failing
formulas which must be followed. It is
hard to exp'aln 'low the patriarchs
could have dragged out an existence of
several hundred years without SCIENCE
to back them up! They must have
been stubborn folk in those days, and
Just continued to live by .the sheer pro
cess of living.
So, with our superior opportunities,
we all want to know how to knit up
the ragged sleeve of care as tightly as
may be, with the certainty, of course,
of waking up every time. Good old
Towzer does. not need to worry about
REMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF MARY ZEAL
IT WOULD be time enough to snub
him presently. Meantime he was
every bit as handsome, refined and
cleancut looking as an illustration for
a collar advertisement.
"Just a moment's conversation," he
pleaded. "It's important."
"Sit down," said Mary Zeal. She
rather prided herself upon not being
one of those self-conscious persons who
go about with a "H'ow-dare-you-slr?"
chip on the shoulder. The young man
dropped into the chair opposite at the
little table.
"I want to ask you if you recall a
rather odd Incident that occurred on
Wednesday evening during a perform
ance of "The Tinkling Cymbal? "
"How do you know I was present?"
demanded Mary.
"I remember seeing you. Tou sat
near my party with four elderly gen
tlemen." "Why, you were the man who caught
the slipper that flew over the foot
lights!" exclaimed Mary.
"Thank heaven I've found somebody
who actually saw It happen!" said the
man. Now, would it be too presuming
to ask your help in clearing up a very
unfortunate situation that has de
veloped from the episode?"
"I should have to hear the details
before I could promise," said Mary,
carefully.
"The happiness of two very nice peo
ple Is at stake." he exclaimed. "It is
Indirectly ray fault, which puts it up
to me to straighten things out. My
name is John Gaylord," handing Mary
his card. "The innocent victim is Lor
lng Tadpole, my dinner and theater
host, who was entertaining some out-of-town
customers. After I caught the
flying slipper, I passed it around for
their Inspection, then put It, for a
souvenir, into my overcoat pocket, as
I supposed. Unfortunately, It was Tad
pole's overcoat pocket. Tadpole was
married recently and it happened to be
his first evening away from home un
accompanied by Mrs. Tadpole. That
fact gives a double edge to what hap
pened. The next morning Mrs. Tad
pole drew forth the fatal slipper!"
"Oh!" gasped Mary.
"Tadpole's utter amazement was mis
Interpreted for guilty confusion. He
bungled the explanation. But, any
way, there are times when the plain
truth sounds too far fetched."
"But when you corroborated his
itatement ?" suggested Mary.
"She declared one man would always
stand by another! Besides, she doesn't
care so much for me. Husband's friend
vt bachelor days."
' And I would be a disinterested wit
ness of the Incident?"
"Exactly!" agreed Gaylord.
"But why doesn't she take the slip
per to the theater herself?" asked
Mary.
1"Wby, one of her theories is that
"tadpole may have known the girl and
that she tossed It to him as a pleasant
little attention," sighed Gaylord. "Now,
would you go up there and talk to
herr N
MODLHH IDEAS
the position of his limbs, as four stiff,
muddy legs go equally well under a
hot stove or on the best parlor rugi
and he will be Immediately lost to the
world until some unkind rocking chair
encroaches on his anatomy or a red
hot poker falls- upon him. But not so
quick to slumber is the human animal,
who must look well to his position and
see that his arms and legs are all ship
shape and tucked away properly, if he
would not have the gentle god Somnus
driven off by some cramped or twisted
limb in painful posture.
How thankful we should be for pos
sessing only two arms and two legs.
Think of the octopus! What a task it
must be at night to compose those
eight arms into comfortable, loving
juxtaposition for a nice little nap; and,
worse still, imagine the difficulties of
the centipede to find out in the even
ing whether its legs are all in yet, and
then with candle or dark lantern to
make the rounds and assign each to
its proper place when bedtime finally
comes!
For the tall, slender sleeper, a criss
crossing of the arms and legs is ad
vised,, after the manner of some of the
new fagoting stitches to be seen in
any ladles' magazine. This gives a
light, graceful touch to the somewhat
soulless act of slumber, and combines
artistic appearance with economy of
space, especially In the case of hall
bedrooms.
Doubling up both fists and placing
them carelessly under the left ear, has
much to be said in its favor. It is
well understood now that mental atti
tudes can be created by precedent
physical expression, so this position
during the long hours of sleep will
surely make a slugger out of the most
timorous mollycoddle, with .the further
advantage that should a burglar be
reaching under the pillow for your
watch, though he might catch you nap
ping, you would still be ready for him.
There is a type of sleeper who thinks
the whole duty of life consists in
twisting and turning Incessantly, until
the unfortunate bedfellow has dreams
of sleeping with a rotary plow, and by
morning the poor, helpless sheet has
been twisted around htm so effectually
that any member of the Barneses fam
ily yet discovered would shiver with
shame in its musty swathings if forced
to odiou3 comparison.
There Is one advantage, though, in
such a case, and that is the bed will
have to be made! It is irritating to the
slumberer who never tosses, but per-
"Certainly," agreed Mary, paying the
check for her luncheon.
"I have my runabout outside," sug
gested Gaylord. It was such a gay,
frisky little runabout that Mary re
gretted that the Tadpole home was so
centrally located.
Mrs.. Tadpole had arrived at the
trunk-packing stage. Back to mother's.
While she listened to Mary's sincere
account of the Wednesday evening In
cident she looked almost convinced; but
she kept tapping her foot on the pol
ished floor which was a bad sign.
Finally she said: "But Mr. Gaylord's
casual meeting with you seems almost
as peculiar to me as the theory of the
slipper itself!"
"Now, Beatrice," pleaded Gaylord,
"please be reasonable."
Mrs. Tadpole's head went up. She
seemed to have heard the word "rea
sonable" before. Wasn't that what a
man always said when he wanted to
brace up a weak argument? Hadn't her
husband harped on the word that very
morning?"
"How do I know but that you are
the young woman who owns the slip
per?" she demanded. "Which would
account for your apparent Interest in
the case! How stupid of me not to
have thought of that at once." On the
contrary, she thought herself very
shrewd and clever in thinking of it
now. No, those two scheming men
weren't going to pull the wool over
her eyes so easily.
Mary jumped up indignantly. "As I
The slipper flew
am only complicating matters I had
better go," she said, turning to Gay
lord. "I'm' very sorry."
"If I am mistaken," said Mrs. Tad
pole, contritely, "do forgive me." She
looked so desperately unhappy and dis
traught that Mary's resentment van
ished, and she felt renewed sympathy
for the young wife' and a very keen de
sire to help her. "But," went on Mrs.
Tadpole, "there's a very simple way
to vindicate you." She rushed to a
little mahogany desk and opened a
drawer. Then she faced them with the
gold cloth slipper in her hand. Put
this on!" she ordered.
Mary laughed outright. "My dear
Mrs. Tadpole," she protested. ' "That
'" (OETlC POSITION
pfey -3?! ' (I" ' ( "THAT CANNOT
fpSf Fil ' l 6E RECOMMENDED
MOT APPROVED OF
3Y..'.5CtE.NTtSTS.
chance fails' to throw back the covers
in the morning, to find himself greeted
when he goes to bed at night by shoe
.horn, bath-towel, pajamas or any other
toilet article he may have left on the bed
while dressing in the morning. ,
A captive beaver building a dam with
books, stovewood or whatever comes to
hand, could not be busier than the class
of sleepers who must hunch the covers
up around their necks with almost every
breath they take exercising their arms
to the obvious disadvantage of their legs
and then complaining the rest of the
night that the covers are not tucked In
stoutly at the foot of the bed!
Clasping the hands over the top of
the head has a careless, unstudied grace
about It, but owing to the unfortunate
discovery of the circulation of the blood,
that poetic position cannot be maintained
for any great length of time.
A stern folding of the arms over the
chest as seen in pictures of Napoleon at
St. Helena, or in the front row of men
at a prizefight, is not recommended,
though it is a strikingly effective pose
when one Is about to be photographed as
a prominent citizen.
In the highest circles feet are no longer
dangled over the foot of the bed. This
will be unwelcome news to many readers,
but Fashion must be followed, even
though the law recently passed by the
Oregon Legislature requiring hotel sheets
to be nine feet long, seems to have had
specially in mind this large class of slum
toerers. A most regrettable position for the sleep
er is that with the knees doubled up and
head sunk on the chest, presenting the
general outline of a cocoon, or a snail
from the German bakery. It is admitted,
though, that this Waterbury-watch spring
effect is worse in military schools and the
Army than anywhere etee; possibly be
cause with so much red tape always
slippor wouldn't fit one foot In a thou
sand surely not mine. It must be
size minus one!"
"Tou dare not stand the test!" cried
Mrs. Tadpole.
With a sigh, Mary removed her ox
ford. Would nothing convince the
foolish woman? The slipper went on
easily.
"Well, of all the Infernal luck!"
groaned John Gaylord.
Mary was speechless.
"One coincidence too many!" said
Mrs. Tadpole , icily. "If you will par
don me, I have some packing to finish."
m m m
Two days later Mary Zeal and John
Gaylord held their third conference In
behalf of the estranged Tadpoles. Mrs.
Tadpole was at her father's home and
had refused to see or to communicate
with her husband. Her mother had
given up, in despair, efforts to bring
about a reconciliation.
"The reason I asked you to come this
morning instead of this afternoon,"
explained Mary, "was because tonight
is the closing performance of 'The
Tinkling Cymbal.' I believe I have
hit upon the only antidote for Mrs.
Tadpole's attack of incredulity!" As
Mary outlined her plan, Gaylord gazed
at her with even more admiration than
usual.
"And I'll get those tickets for the
front row it I have to resort to vio
lence, should they all be sold out," he
promised, upon his departure.
Violet Duane, the lovely young star
of the Cymbal company, was inclined
over the footlights.
to be cross at first upon having her
rest disturbed at 11 o'clock in the
morning. But Mary Zeal's explanation
soon won her complete co-operation.
"You ask would it be possible for
Tillle Courtney of the reckless slipper
to shed another this evening?" echoed
Miss Duane. "My dear, it is quite the
best thing she does The first time may
have been accidental, but it has become
a habit limited only by the expense."
"I'll willingly pay for the slipper, or
rather for a pair of them," assured
Mary eagerly.
"Nonsense!" cried Miss Duane gayly.
"And now suppose you come back of
the scones as my guest, this evening
and during the third act. when the
house is dark, you can slip out and
watch your own particular comedy
from a box? You'll want to see the
effect!"
"You're a brick!" Mary declared.
"I'm going to have breakfast now.
Won't you have luncheon with me?"
"Thanks, no," declined Mary. 'Tve
some other arrangements to make. And
thanks some more for the photo
graph." The next ingredient that Mary pro
ceeded to stir into her plot was Mrs.
Herbert King, mother of Beatrice Tad
pole. Mrs. King arrived, at Mary's home,
puffing and mystified by te cautious
telephone message that hinted of the
restoration of her daughter's, shattered
happiness. That Beatrice had come
home was tragic and humiliating, but
comprehensible to the good woman's
imagination. The remedy proposed by
this enthusiastic Miss Zeal seemed too
visionary for her--to grasp at once.
"Perhaps if I reason with Beatrice
some more," she kept repeating mo
notonously. "Of course I don't doubt
dear Lorlng Tadpole for an instant.
He sent me the loveliest sewing table
for my birthday only a week ago!"
"Please try my method for convinc
ing your daughter," persuaded Mary.
"See, here are the tickets four of
them. Surely It can do no harm."
"It might help to cheer Beatrice up,"
admitted Mrs. King, eyeing the tickets.
The Breadth of Liracol
A little book aummarlzin; the life history
of Lincoln and set tins: forth the significance
of his character and. the greatness of his
conduct. Is "Lincoln," by Isaac Kewton
Phillip, which has just been published by
A. C McClurg & Co. Such volumes, easily
read, in an hour, or two, have a distinct
value in enlightening new generations as
to the individuality and historical value of
the Nation's great men, and stimulating in
terest in further study of them. The fol
lowing excerpts are from Mr. Phillip- esti
mate of Lincoln's character:
AVERY great man is elemental. He
is, so to speak, a grand division of
Nature. We now see that Lincoln's pur
pose and policy moved through the war
with all the steadiness and certainty of
a cosmic force. His patience under vast
discouragements assumes the character
of the patience of Nature Itself. His
spirit was never ruffled by enmity or
elated by vanity. Though coming from
a lowly estate, Lincoln seemed uncon
scious of his position as the first man
of the Nation. True to the class which
produced him, he left no degrading
apology for his breeding or the mea
gerness of his early conditions. His
manliness was in his blood, and we now
see that there was never taken to the
White House a truer dignity of char
acter, a more firmly poised intellect, or
a more intelligent- self-reliance than
went there from the prairies of Illi
nois with Abraham Lincoln
The standard- of Lincoln's Judgment
and feeling was level with every condi
tion of American life. His communion
with the masses was no condescending
patronage, but a genuine fellowship. He
was at home everywhere; he perfectly
understood ignorance and prejudice lie
TtfE. FEET A1SENO
OVETS. THE FOOT OF"'
THE 13ECT-
. r- KAAV
THIS ' 1
MAN -
"She doesn't eat a thing. And cry! Be
sides, It would be a shame to waste the
tickets after poor Loring bought and
paid for them!"
Mary gave a sigh of relief. Economy
had won the day.
A fascinating new world was re
Ob coittcl dnc l uur!n Mid
vealed to Mary that evening behind
the scenes. Even the smell of cooking,
wafted from an adjacent restaurant
kitchen, and the undefined odor of
grease paint gave a certain charm.
To Mary's mind it was vastly more in-
had charity for them, but he never
played the demagogue by appealing to
them. The coarseness of the vulgar and
ignorant did not shock him as It does
many good men who have not had Lin
coln's experience. The truth is that the
life of this wonderful man measured
the whole vast distance between the
top and the bottom layers of American
society. . . . -
Lincoln was great enough to sink
himself completely in his cause. The
fact that Stanton had once treated him
with professional discourtesy and had
then lately criticised him in his own
bitter fashion, was to Lincoln's mind no
reason why Stanton should not be made
Secretary of War when it was deemed
that his appointment would most aid
the cause. It was the country Lincoln
wanted served, not himself. The friends
of Chase were surprised to learn, in that
eminent man's appointment as Chief
Justice, that his resignation of the
Treasury, though petulant and ill
judged, had left no iron in the soul of
the great President. It is now known
that Lincoln said, with the resignation
of Chase still in his hands unaccepted,
that Chase should be Chief Justice If a
vacancy arose.
Just after the battle of Gettysburg.
Lincoln thought that prompt pursuit
and battle by Meade would destroy Lee's
army before it -could recross the swol
len Potomac. Meade's delay and failure
to seize his great 'opportunity deeply
grieved and annoyed the President, who
finally sent a peremptory order to forth
with attack Lee which order was ac
companied by perhaps the most re
markable note ever sent by a comman
der to his subordinate. " It ran sub
stantially, thus.- "This order Is not-of
CALLED
Position
around. It is natural for things to get
tied up in a knot. Families . fortunate
enough to have members who march sol
dierlike through Armory drills, and in Dec
oration day parades, should be watchful
lest ' this little trait become an estab
lished habit with the defenders of our
Nation's honor when oft duty.
Strictly speaking, the mouth perhaps
cannot be called a limb, yet some men
tion of so large and conspicuous a portion
of the body seems almost necessary.
Sleeping with the head hanging over
the end of a cot, and the mouth open
like that of a mullet or the voracious
pike, may have its advantages, but
they would Be em to be outweighed by
the chances of an Itinerant photog
rapher in the same boarding-house hap
pening in, and getting a few flashlights
for his "Sleeping Beauty" show. Neith
er should the mouth be worn in
peevish curve, as anticipating the
morning stock remark:
"Is that all you got for breakfast?"
No. Fold the mouth firmly, symmet
rically; preserving its purity of out
line; and when the sleeper is of the
voting sex, a slight, pleasant pucker
may be permitted, as though about to
grasp a peerless Perfecto, thus giving
an expression of entire naturalness to
the countenance.
In regard to folding beds, before re
A FRAME-UP FOR MRS. TADPOLE
. SMITH DAYTON
foresting than "out front." It was
wonderful the way Miss Duane could
one moment be chatting to her, seated
cosily on an upturned box, and the
next instant be out on the stage heart
and soul in her role of a royal princess.
"Come on and be a mob," invited a
Sin. Tadpole icily.
delightful girl, as several members of
the company and some stage hands
collected In a group.
"What will I say?" asked Mary.
"Anything!" laughed the girl. And
there arose the howling and the dire
record. If you are successful you may
destroy it, together with this note;
if you fail, publish the order, and I will
take the responsibility."
Oddities in. Hatpins.
In hunting for party prizes a pair of
hatpins will surely be acceptable. It Is
no longer fashionable to wear half a
dozen different kinds of pins. in one hat;
thus most women are glad for a set that
matches.
The amount to be spent upon these pins
is only limited by the inclination and
purse of the hostess. Good-looking beetle
pins set in brass, and dull-colored scarabs
can be had for as little as 26 cents. These
are especially liked by young girls.
The favorite hatpins this Winter are
those of rhinestones. These vary in price
from 75 cents to many dollars, according
to size and brilliancy. There are various
shapes In the rhlnestone pins,-but those
that istand out from the hat, either In a
ball or cone shape, show the brilliancy
of the stones much more than the flat
ones.
Some of these pins are in butterfly
shape, with both sides of the outstanding
wings studded with stones, while the
body is full and thickly-Jeweled.
Other designs are in flower shapes,
with the petals distinct. Often the heart
of the flower is of a colored stone or
enamel, while the petals only are of
rhinestone.
Sherlock In the Laundry.
To comply with the woman's request
seemed so much like giving away state
secrets that the laundryman confessed
himself "up a stump."
"I want to know," said she, "how many
shirts, collars and cuffs John Billings has
in the wash every week."
"Are you a relative of Mr. Billings?"
he asked.
"Yes," said she. "That is, I may be
some time. He wants me to marry him
and I am making up . my mind. I .want
tiring Into one it might well be wished
that arms and legs were detachable,
as the proper position of limbs is some
where, anywhere OUTSIDE a folding
bed. No harm can happen to the trunk.
for trunks are used to being banged
about and treated strenuously; but the
limbs are tender, sensitive, necessary
even; so it is nerve-racking to see
them going into a folding bed, not
withstanding the fact and comic pa
pers to the contrary the latter is real
ly as harmless as a gun that' isn't
loaded.
In a scientific article last Summer
on swimming, one of our most emi
nent physicians stated that during that
exercise only are the organs all prop
erly balanced, and each in perfect re
pose. So we may, as scientific infor
mation spreads, find sleeping tanks be
ing built on all the new houses instead
o the sleeping porches now so much
in vogue.
Plumbers are always ready to turn
an honest penny, and it sufficiently
urged would be glad to arrange for
the proper temperature of the water.
Thus heavy bedclothes could be done
away with, as well as the sneaking,
shivering, uneasy anticipation of the
cold plunge in the morning bath. Then,
with the aid of water wings and pos
sibly a life preserver or two, we can.
retire calmly and placidly to rest, with
the comfortable knowledge that the
vital organs are all peacefully segre
gated, and with no worry about the
proper position of limbs during sleep.
ROGUE RIVER APPLES.
BT CTLIA .DORMER.
On foreign soil. In quaint old Amster
dam, While sauntering along a busy
street,
I spied a box, 20 by il by 1Q,
Of yellow pine boards, smooth and
strong and neat.
It leaned against a little fruit store's
wall.
And wore a homelike and familiar
air.
I leoked again and saw my heart
beat fast
"Rogue River Apples," marked In,
letters fair.
I stopped and gazed, and tears oame to
my eyes;
Then entering the store, I asked to
see
The very choicest apples in their
River Epitzenbergs they hand
ed me.
And though e'en farther from my home
I stray,
Rogue River Apples oft my eyes
will greet.
In well-known boxes, 20, 11 by 10,
Displayed in many a busy foreign
street.
What though the Lafean measure is
not filled.
Who would change aught of lengtlj
or width or height?
20 by 11 by 10 meets all demands
Rogue River Apples are the World's
Delight.
Grants Pass, Or.
-BY HELENA
threats against the hero that were so
thrilling from the audience. And to
Mary's amazement, the girl beside her
began to shriek: "Grrrh! Oh! Oh!
Maizie, do you think my blue silk will
cleanse? Kill him! Kill him! My sis
ter writes her oldest boy has tonsilltia
kill him! Down with him and her
husband has bought a motor cat" down
with the traitor! Urrrh!"
"This is my clue," said Tilly Courtney
toward the close of the next act. "Bet
ter go out now and watch me hit the
target!"
' Back and forth tripped the band of
pretty girls, one of whom was waiting
the oportune moment for another cua
not down in the prompt book. Then
suddenly, as the apparent result of a
nimble antic, one fairy , slipper went
sailing over the footlights.
Mrs. Loring Tadpole, sitting list
lessly indifferent up to that instant, be
came animatedly excited, as her
brother Dick caught the glittering
trophy in his hand. She seized the
slipper and stared at it until her
brother said: "Here, father, put it in
your pocket. It's an old trick and I
understood that whoever catches the
prize keeps it!"
"I want it," said Beatrice eagerly.
"I have the mate to it at home, as you
know! Now I'm going to And Lorrie!"
And Mary Zeal watched her and
Brother Dick incur the merited wrath,
of those who blocked their way to th
aisle.
to assure myself first of his personal
habits. Is he neat? Is he clean? He
always looks so when he comes to Be
me, but nothing but his laundry bill will
show whether he is always so or not."
The laundryman produced Mr. Billings11
laundry list with alacrity.
"Four shirts," he said, "sir collars, five
pairs of cuffs, four union suits, and six
pairs of socks, and Mr. Billings' wash,
runs a little below the average this week.
Are you satisfied?"
"I am," said she, and John Billings'
fate was sealed.
: i
Care of Hair Ribbons.
Ribbons will last longer if ..they are
cared for than if they are carelessly
tossed into the bureau drawer. Ons
mother I know has given her small
daughter a. set of toy rolling-pins oa.
which she expects the child to roll the
hair ribbons when they are taken off.
Light-colored ribbons will keep clean
much longer if they are laid away in a
box. The process of rolling or folding
will keep the ribbons fresh, and they
will not require such frequent pressing. -When
this becomes necessary, place the
ribbon between cloths which have been
slightly dampened, and then press with
a warm iron until the cloth is dry. Only
a good quality of ribbon will stand
pressing, and although a good quality
costs more in the beginning, it is
worth the extra money because it out.
L-wears the cheaper ribbon.
The test for quality is the test of
wear. Do not be deceived into thinking
that a stiff, heavy ribbon is of purer
quality than one of light weight. In all
probability the stiff ribbon has been
adulterated, and while it looks well at
first sight it will not wear at all satis
factorily. Such ribbon has generally
been weighted with artificial matter in
the dyeing process in order that it may
stand up stiffly and to give the im
pression of heavy silk. The Jesuit la
far. from lasting.