THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND. DECE3IBEK 26, 1T09.
A A -
w n&m itoa toi? tma a
(IKK MJUA'
M-i.5r m7m v, j
Hashimura Tpgo
Emp. Wm. and
Berlin, near Germany.
To Editor Oresnnian, who pot a appetite
for Intelligent Fooil. you do not reulize
how nourishing Brains can bo when
they' are prepared the German way.
Dear Sir:
ICAS write tho U. a. I-anguaga o
fluently that readers often assimilate
alt my words. I can also say delicious
syllables In Japanese. Hut 1 must arrive
to Germany, thank you, before. I under
stood how difficult it Is to say-so when
you can't- 0
I revere them Hon. Germans because
they are remarkable in every direction.
They go around living, marrying, march-'
ing with militia, opera-singing, joke-talking
and Increasing childhood. And every
word of this is done in the German lan
Kuige. Tot they seem to have plenty of
leisure for whatever else arrives. Kven
in their, beers they seem to understand
each other. In that dear Papaland. when
sweethearted persons are walking to
gether by moon-gleam, they make love
conversation by saying "Jell Libbey
Ditch." And when next seen they are
engaged. This show how Love cannot
be smashed by any Dictionary, however
thick.
When me and Nogi & O-Kido arrived
to Berlin we could see tow everybody
was preparing to go to war with Eng-
land. Generals, Admirals and other Po
licemen was ' setting around Ratskillers
telling each other how to do it. Beer en
joyed between all conversations.
"What is more greater than our Navy?
rerfuire one Admiral surrounded by his
schooners.
"Nothing but our Army." report one
General with famous Alilwaukee salutes.
"Our Navy is twice as great as any
thing you can Imagine," snuggest Ad
miral. "I cannot follow you," say General, "I
am already three drinks behind."
So Hon. Band play some more and
everybody order another Hock for him
self and one for the Kaiser, who is al
ways willing to shoot when loaded.
When me and Nogi & O-Fido see this
warlike preparation, we enjoy Peace Con
gress feeling like Hon. Carnegie.
"Nogi." I say-so to my dear Cousin,
"Somebody should see Emp Wm. and
tease him to be gentle with England be
fore it is too late."
"Who would be good persons for this
delicacy?" require Nogi with safe ex
pression like a Central Bank. ,
"If nobody else shall, then you and me
& O-Fldo must," I petrify nobly. Agree
able wag-tails from O-Fido.
So we seek forth to search up this Em
peror. We elope to Royal Palace, where
we was not expected.
"Is Hon. Emperor inside?" we ask you.
"He have just stepped out in his otto
mobile." say Hon. Hallboy with Frank
Hitchcock expression of frozen calm.
"Where to find him, please?" I abduct.
"Wherever there is a Paraife he is sure
to be hanging around," evaporate this
Boy giving slum-up to door.
So we accompany our ' footsteps to
Templehofer Field where military en
thusiasm is most oftenly seen marching
around. And .sure enough! This flat
grounds was entirely covered with Na
tions! Guard Encampments mingled with
33
1J
BY IRVIX S. COBB.
ELI" said the House Detec
tive of the St. Reckless. . "old
Nineteen-Nlne3 about all In."
'Just about," eaid the Hotel Clerk.
'NInetecn-Xins at this writing, is down
to one thin stack of alabaster chips and
nothing better In sight than a pair of
younp and timorous trays. He's all
crippled up with rheumatism and spav
ined in both legs. His mind is begin
ning to fall him and next Friday night
he's due to cash in and quit. There's a
rocky young: chap named Nineteen-Ten
waiting to take his !at and play out the
hand. And so, as the poet Bays, ring
out the old. ring In the new two rlnss
for towels and three for the wine clerk
and order a fresh roun all around and
let joy be as unconhned as possible. Only,
when I look back on Xineteen-Xlno I
jret as full of reminiscences as a State
Soldiers' Home."
"It's bn a Ions', foolish year, ain't it?''
said the House retective.
"It has, iDdeed," said the Hotel Clerk.
"I recall only a few that were longer
and none that were foollsher. aiany
thinics happened that I didn't expect and
some of the thinps that I confidently ex
pected haven't happened yet. Let's see
now. there- was January to start with.
As I recall we had quite some Winter
weather in January aid even the poorest
family could afford all the ice they want
ed. Many of our leading: families went
to Palm Beach, where everybody-tias his
palm out for a tip; hence the name. I
naw my way clear, however, to remain
Ins rlKht on here; so did: quite a number
of others, yourself included. "When it
comes to fronded palms that wave m
air, we've quite a few waiters left in this
climute.
"February is not prominent In my mem
ory except for one thins. A close" friend
in the racehorse business borrowed fifty
from me, for ttm days, and gave me an
' I. O. IT. written in pencil, which I faith
fully wore next to my . chest until the
middle of August, when I had to throw
it away because the desipn was threaten
ing: to set in on me and g:lve me lead
poisoning. In passing:. I'd like to sug
gest that ten day I. O. LVs -owght to be
done in indelible Ink on metal plates, for
then they could be carrried for months or
even years without iRnrer to the system.
1 throw out this little idea for what it's
worth.
"In March we inaugurated our present
President, but the weather was sc. bad
in Washington that ho couldn't do much.
He hasn't done much since. Rooeovelt
went to Africa into the favorite haunte
of orher roaring wild animals and pro
ceeded to wipe out the competition. About
the middle of the month Army Circles
were greatly shocked- I dim't exactly
remember what shocked them, but Its
customary for army circles to be greatly
shocked about ones ver thxea mo a the.
Alt
Collodes With
Explode Replies
Scheutsenbunds and Artillery. Every
where the eye could reach was trom
bone music, uniforms and flags covered
with glory. A long tin line of heroes
was galloping with angry swords. Such
splandid advancing! Such gallant re
trieving! Backward and forth ward they
eloped with German banzals. When I
see so much gunpowder I feel very
soared like a Friendly Power.
In the distant way-off me & Nogi could
see a Gentleman in a brass1 helmet
clumped between 13 and 1-2 army officers.
"That mu.Tt be Emp." say Nogi. We
gaze reverently in that direction for mo
ments, but just when we was most com
fortable the entire German Army come
goliuping over hill. There was nothing
to hide behind but our courage. Yelps
from O'Fido. Straight at us stamped
them firm horse-riders. AVhen they were
00 feet away, they stopped up and- g.ot
out their guns. "Ready, Ames. Scheutz
zen!!" holla Hon. Capt. And before we
could hear it a volley like Mt. Vesuvius
mending its steam-pipes' bursted across
our heads. Me and Nogi stand .still ex
pecting we would not be seen, but O-Fido
become entirely hydraphobia by the noise.
With yalls & Bqueaks likes a Suffragette
Lecture that doggie mammal start scamp
ing across Templehofer Field in tho
straight direction of Emperor Wm!
In exciteable pursuit of O'Fido start
me and Nogi hoping to save Hon. Kaiser
from death from dog-bTtes. After us
ran the entire German army with war
cry; but me and Nogi was too Marathon
to be caught. Nearer and more closer
we come to O-Fido. In another moment
we 6hould snatch him. When lo!! Some
body grabbed the poor canan with a
short kick and when next we looked we
was standing within 3-4 yards of Wm
Hohenzollern, the only living Emperor
who ever dared imitate Theodore Roose
velt to his face.
This great Ruler poke up his mous
tache and look to me with unwelcome
expression.
"Gotterdammererung!" report his Kingj
1 could distincrually count his Rough
Rider teeth while he spoke. "Where in
Pilsen did you come from?"
"Please Mr. King, if convenient to re
ply, we are schoolboys from Japan."
We debase our necks together so he
could chop up when required.
"From Yajjan!" he snagger German
iacally. "I can see by your complexions
that you are Yaps."
We seem very grateful for this kind
ness. Ve are merely cross-cut Japanese,"
say Nogi like a goat. 'We have been
living on the Island of America so long
that we feel quite inhabited."
"Are your Royal Upness Interested by
America?" I require soapfully.
"I love all parts of America." say Wm,
"especially Brazil. That splandid little
State should be congratulated on its won
derful output of gold. -Ivory, nms and
ostrich-quills. Its people also should ba
congratulated on their election of that
stanch Republican and careful patriot,
Senator Hale, to Congress."
"Brazil produces many hard nuts," I
obligate humbly, "but fit never grew Sen
ator Hale."
Emperor Wm glour peevly at me like
he wished to hit me with his maled fist.
IK
and a shock was due. Toward the 'end
of the month a prominent brakesman of
the X. C. & St. I. road, while eatintt an
oyster stew in the Elite Short Order Rail
way Ca-fe at Hollow Rock, Twin., found a
pure white pearl which he sold to a
Memphis jeweler for $1.75. thus netting
tho fortunate possessor J1.55 over and
above the coet of the stew, which was
30 cents. AH the papers had interesting
piecea about this."-
'April lasted thirty days and was not
especially conspicuous in any way. Just
one of those regular Aprils, as you might
say. But In May I find by reference to
my notes made at the time that nine
weddings took place in Xew York so
ciety and the same number of society
divorce suits were filed, thus showing
how Xature takes care of the great na
tural law of supply and demand. Thomas
AV. Lawson wrote a piece for the papers.
His own name wae mentioned in the arti
cle in type that would have b?rh larger,
perhaps, except that the paper was only
eight columns wide. Considerable prog
ress and several swell funerale were ex
perienced In airship flights and the ex
Sultan of Turkey had his supply of wives
cut down to six and became practicaly a
widower.
"We come now to June. I spent most
of June deciding, I remember, where I'd
go in July. I didn't go anywhere in
July. I vthlnk it was about the 10th
of June or maybe the 11th that I read
& special dispatch from Huntsvllle. Ala;i
stating that the wife of a presiding el
der of. the Methodist Episcopal Church
South, names the Rev. Mr.' Jordon, took
a drink la dark out of a wet weather
spring two years before- and after suf
fering intensely for many months had
just been found to contain four of those
little green Summer lizards, all alive
and doing as well as could be expected
under the circumstances. I also think
there was a war that broke out some
where about that time and one of tite
reigning monarchs of 15urope got killed
ot got married, or something of that sort.
But I have only a vague recollection of
those matters because my mind was
mostly interested in the dispatch from
Huntsvillo. Part of the time I was sym
pathizing with the lady and part of the
time with the- lizards.
"And so June passed and July, and In
August Dr. Cook came home by way ot
renmark. In fact, if he hadn't come
by way of Denmark I hardly think
it would have been worth while for him
to have come home at all. First 'twas
hts native guides that were going to
prove it. but later on he retired to a
sanitarium and w-hen pressed for the de
tails he'd burst into tears so that you
might say he's practically been depend
ing for support on the firm of Mose
Bros. Ksqui and lacri.
"September opened with Laqor day,
closely followed by Commander Peary.
A noisy week, Larry, if you remember.
11
I
WHEN ME AND NOGI A O-PIDO
"Where else in America could a ETeat
man.be born, except In Brazil? he -derange.
"It are stiperstitiously sipposed that
Senatbr Hale were acquired by Massa
chusetts for Tariff ' purposes," I man
ipulate.. "But if. your Royal Majestrate
wish him to be born in South America, it
can bo Saeily arranged by many Insur
gent Republicans, who wwtfld be glad to
have him as far away as possible."
"Nextly," say Hon. Kaiser taking- out
a cigar end chopping off the end with hi
sword, "nextly you will be telling me
that Wm H. Taft Is not King- of the
Vnited States."
Y0UK6 MR-NiweT5W'
-TEN wiLL OB
. ALOM6 DISEASED ,
ta m. w mm WK
A If i m :Wmlt i'f,' .
I M ?i N&r f I J - -
"THE WAY NEW YEAR.
3 . VlWA,VS DRESSED
Toward the 15th a well-to-do bachelor
ranchman came on -from South Iakota
SEK THIS WARLIKE PREPARATION WE
FEELING LIKE HON. CARNEGIE.
"We could not report that untruth," I
chickle. "Hon. Taft is not only observed
setting on the throne, but he is oftenly
seen in public indorsing Senator Aldrich's
policies."
"There Is one . other Great American
that I do muchly admire," rake off Wm
forgetfully, "but his name skips me at
this moment."
"Maybe it Is Hon. Geo Washington or
Hon. Thos. Jefferson?" snuggest Nogi.
"I" have heard of them also," report
him, "but they are too dead to interest
me. I do not care for such patriots. If
they are Republicans, then I am some
thing els. But the gentleman I am at
I in answer to an advertisement printed
I in a matrimonial paper by a lady de-
ENJOV PEACE CONFERENCE
tempting to remember is so different
from Washington or Jefferson that you
would recogriie him at once."
"Perhapsly you mean Hon. John JD.
Rockefellow?" I depose.
"It ie exactly him I mean!" holla Wm
smilishly. "How Is that sweet old man?"
"Still solid, but slightly dissolved," I
snuggest.
."I hope he lives forever,' rattle that
Crowned Boss. "He hae been more
philanthropical to Germany than any
thing I can mention. He ha& sold kero
sene to the German people several cents
Cheaper per gal than he would give it to
the United Staters! If he would visit Ger
scribing her?elf
i cumbered and w
as beinc touiic. unen- I
altby. and before the i
many I should make him a Count. He- is
every inch a Man from the sole of his
toes to the crown of hie w ig." .
"He Is not only a Man. he is a Scient
ist." I suppose.
"What great Srienee has he done?" de
test Emperor.
"He has" dishcovered how to strangle
hookworms with coal-oil," I snuggle.
"What is it a Hookworm ?" say Wm.
with slight German grammar. - -
"A Huokmorm," I denhe. "iri a species
of sly sruike what reverses its-elf.'
"How ilke the Supreme Court lie niWt
look." nag Hon. Kaiser. "No wonder
Count Rockefellow wishes to soothe this
bug with kerosene."
The Einf) of Germany pansi and give
marcel wftve to his moustacl: Military
parades sw1hrpat him, cannons bump
salutes and the Royal Carlsbad .Dis
mounted Irregulars come hoofing by with
puna on edge respectfully. Hon. Kaiser
Mn look neglectfully to this.
"Them American millionaire," he say.
"are what my cousin Theodore von
Roosenfelt would call a Corker.' They
are wonderful vermifuges; Hon. Car
nfgle no sooner give fl.oOo.OOO to poison
bookworms than Hon. Rockefellow get
lalous and give similar amount to poison
hookworms'."
Me and Nogi see simptoms of a witty
thought in these remark. 9o we laugh
worshipfully.
"I admire your German wit for its
cheapness and lasting iuaHtic,s," I cay
with chivalry.
"At times I am called the Royal Cut
Up." commute Wm shyly. "I am not
afraid of thfl wildest joke that ever
wagged. Thst U the difference between
me and my Uncle Ed of London. Uncle
can hot tell a Joke from a International
Insult. When, in tho midst of my
schooners, I told him with humorous gig
gles that I expected to have the greatest
Navy in tho world, poor bid Unc took me
sadly and got scared. As a consequence
England have got a Naval Policy of two
new battleships a day and a torpedo
boat every fifteen minutes. The Ad
miralty Office have got nervua pros
tratus and the House of Lords is sick
'abed with budgets. I am nearly tickled
hystrickal with innocent amusement to
think about all-this excitement for noth
ing. I oftenly wonder where .my sense
of humor will lead me next."
"Maybe it will lead you to Liverpool
with .100.000 German-speaking foreign
ers," I snuggest.
"There are Some Jokes," say Hon.
Kaiser, "that you cannot carry too for
to please me. And that would be one of
them."
Emp Wm look less conversational. In
the distance we could see Hon. -Zeppelin's
airship approaching for to take
His Royal Magistrate up for a joyful
ride.
'Have you got any slight Presidential
Message you would like me to fetch from
you to Hon. Taft? I negotiate.
"Tell Hon. Taft," say Wm with self
appointed manner, "tell him not to blame
everything that comes along to the Con
stitution. Tell him the best way to make
Trouble Is to seek Peace. Tell him to re
vere the- Laws but remember that Truth
doe not always perch on those who can
hire the best lawyers. Tell him tho Em
peror of Germany gets his advice from
God, but that the President of America
Is usually less fortunate." -
Hon. Zeppelin air-ship now lower down
and elevate Emp Wm by slop-ladder.
"The Watch on the Rhino, national air,
I played by 72 German bands. lon Air
ship sore imperiously away, leaving me
RAID
ITlnE Klm Cfc(l
rosy mists of fancy had been dissipated
he found himself hooked up In the holy
bonds of wedlock to a large square-toed
bride, born in Sweden, with an estate
consisting of nine small children and a
picture of Custer's last rally. This was
carried in full In the papers under the
head of 'Romantic Union of a Western
Millionaire.' Most of the theaters opened
with new plays, followed by frdBts.
That'll do for September.
"In October, Moth Ball Moon, as the
North American Indians poetically termed
it, we suiTered from an acute revival of
the ancient Greek school of classic danc
ing. There's not much I can say for the
ancient CSrcks as dancers except that
hey had the courage of their convictions.
They feared neither- chilblains in the
Vlnter nor poison ivy in the Summer A
number of distinguished foreign mu
sicians, vocal and hand-operators, also
honored us with their presence. I heard
one of them, a Russian violinist it was,
at an oit?y. called a recital. You've heard
the expression. Larry, 'as fit as a fid
dle?' Well. I know now which fidBle it
was that had the fit. I was there when
it had it. An abdominal operation was
performed on it by this here Russian
and its screams certainly were pitiful
to hear.
"Early in Xovember Tammany started
to win the election and Minister Crane
started to China. Minister Crane made
the better showing of the two all that
happened to him was having his head
knocked off with a club. Solid Ivory,
as the saying Is. Thanksgiving day came
on the same date that it was predicted
for, and the United States Coftrt re
quested the Standard Oil Company to
kindly dissolve, as a- special favor,' some
day when it had nothing particular to
do. Strains of low derisive lawfter by
3dhn IX Archbold. November - was a
poor month for trading in stocks on
margins; being: similar in this respect to
ten or 11 other months of the past year.
But it was a swell month for large finan
cial movements involving the use of large
wads of ready scads. Under this head I
recall particularly the dedication of the
New Theater, the opening of the bids
for the Movins-Jeffries-Picturos-Johnson
fight and the marriages of two local
heiresses to foreign noblemen. I don't
believe in "all the history of the world
that so many men of great wealth ever
slept under one roof as on. the opening
night at the Xew Theater. 'when the
management presented the sprightly play
of Anthony and Cleopatra just as The
Bard wrote it along toward 1 A. M. You
could tell a Founder at a glance he
looked so foundered. 'Twas a great nteht
for - wealth aijd art, ' Larry. Art ran
and Xogi O-Pidu. looking basely up
wards like cockroaches in a earthquake
7 Hoping you are tho same
. Yours trulv
. IIASHIMUKA TOGO.
(Copyright. liKtt. by the Associated Lit
erary Press. ,
Not the Vsual Komiuirc.
Musootah Recorder.
IiirtMitly ono of our most fastidious
young mtfii bought a pair of overalls and
found in them tho name of the sewing
girl who made thrm.
He very promptly wroie her a letter
with all the off usivnness necessary in such
a cast, and in due time received a reply,
which, however, was coid oi.' the romance
v.snnl in such cases, llore it is: "I am a
working girl, it is true, but T make a good
living and 1 do not. care to support a hus
band, an I would have to do if I married
some silly noodle who gets mashed on a.
irirl he never saw. Permit mo to say that
I do not know how my card got in that
pair of overalls, and that when I do
marry, if ever, it will be some fellow
that can afford something better than a
47-cent pair of breeches."
The Caoe-Itottomrd Chair.
W. TV1. Thackoray.
In tattered old slippers that toast at tha
bars.
And a ruKsed old jacket perfumed with
cigars.
Away from the world and its toils and lis
cares.
I've a snuff llttlo kingdom up four pair of
stairs.
To mount to this realm is a toil, to bo but.
But the lire there is bright, and the air
rather pure:
And the view I bohold on a sun-shiny day
Is grand through the chimney-pot over
the way.
This emip little chamber is crammed in all
nooks
WUh worthless old knlcknacks, and silly old
books,
And foolish old odds, and foolish old ends
Crack'd baru.in (from brokers), cheap
keepsakes (from friends -But
of all the cheap treasures that garnish
my nest.
There's one that I love and cherish the
best ;
For the finest of couches that's padded with
hair.
I never would change thee, my cane-bottomed
chair!
Tis a bandy-legged, high-shouldered, worm
eaten seat.
With a creaking old back, and twisted old
feet;
But since the fair morning when Fanny sat
there,
I bless thee and love thee, old cane-bottomed,
chair!
It chairs have but feeling, in holding such:
charms
A thrill must have passed through your
withered old arms!
I looked, and I longed, and I wished In
despair !
I wished myself "turned to a cane-bottomed
chalrl
It -was but a moment she sat in this place
She'd a. scarf on her neck, and a smde on
her face!
A smile on her face, and a rose In her hair.
And she eat there, and bloomed in my
cane-bottomed chair.
And so I have valued my chair-ever since,
Like the shrine of a saint, or the throne of a
prince;.
Saint Fanny, my patroness swet I declare.
The queen -of my heart and my cane-bottomed
chair.
When the candles burn low, and the com
pany's gone.
In the silence of nisht. as I sit here alone
I sit here atone, but we yet are a pair
My Fanny I see in my cane-bottomed chair!
She comes from the past and revisits my
room ;
She looks as she then did. all beauty and
bloom;
So smilniK, so tender. 90 fresli and 50 fair.
See! yonder she sits In my cane- bottomed
chair.
fV-IW7
M
by twin S.COBB.
second. A brutal Southern lynching took
place in the North, due to an uninten
tional mistake, as was pointed out at
the time by the Chicago Tribune.
"And that brings us up to Decem
ber. So far December hasn't brought
us much except Christmas and the
opening of Congress and a Presi
dential message, 17,000 words long
some of them being words of three or
more syllables, but not otherwise a
very exciting message, the average
depth ranging from an inch and a half
to two inches. Oh. yes, December ha
brought us something else, too Poet
AVatson, of Kngland."'
"The Poet with the Serpent's
Tongue?" said the House Detective,
getting, slighly twisted.
' "No, the Poet with the ' Garbag
Contract." said the Hotel Clerk. "The
poet with the same idea of repaying
hospitality that 'a cholera microbe has.
Sometimes I think maybe we could
have pulled through this month with
out him, but I guess maybe that's
because I cannot understand the mental-
attitude of true genius. I cannot
fathom the workings of his mind and
I don't believe anybody on this side
of the Big "Water would care to try
unless it was a sanitary inspector and
then only in the strict performance
of his duty.
"Anyhow, all this talk lands us bang
up against young Mr. Nineteen-Ten.
who'll be along at the end of the
week, dressed the way a New Year al
ways came dressed, in a stomach ban
dage with floating ends and a winning
expression of countenance. With that
costume on I've often thought that in
stead of encouraging other persons
to turn over a new leaf it'd be the
modest thing if he turned over one
himself and got behind it. But, be
that as It mCy, he's almost due, and
while he has my best wishes, he also
Iras my sincerest sympathies. It looks
to me like the poor kid's in for some
rough . coasting. Think of dropping
any young and naturally inexperienced
creature down in the midst of the
suffragette movements and the joy
Tiders and Broadway cops and Broad
way waiters and show girls and sure-thing-
gents and octoplt and the rest
of thethlngs that go to make up our
hurried civilization."
"I s pose you'll be makin' a lot ot
good resolutions next Saturday inorn
in'?" said the House Detective.
"I will." snid tbe Hotel Clerk. "1
Hhail make the panic pood resolutions
I always make at New Year's." I've
given them my custom in the paat and
found them invariably satisfactory.
Why, some of these good resolution,
Larry, last me almost- a weekl"
a