1909.
run
SUNDAY OKEGOXIAX. PORTLAND,
OCTOBER 3, 190O. - (
r t .. . - - - - i i ' it
1 1 i ii i
U3
ftn SEE one of them foreign -writers
I u knockin' us agin." began the
Houm Detective of the St. Reck
Wi. "an Englishman."
"That goes without saying, as the lady
remarked of the phonograph with the
broken record la It." answered the Hotel
Clerk. "It's too bad. I regret It. No
body knows how much I regTet It; no
body ever will.- Here I am training the
last' pair of suspenders I've got In the
world trying to please our friends across
the sea. but somehow I always fail to
give the desired satisfaction. I've given
my consent freely to" our native born
heiresses marrying Into their oldest and
hungriest nobilities. There are still quite
a number of the native born heiresses In
stock that 111 be able to -spare, when the
tiro cornea, without a pang. I've never
sAid a word when our young men took
to wearing English-made clothes that
looked as if they'd been cut out with a
knife anl fork and fitted on by a tailor
who learned his calling- rrom the study
of a retreating elephant. My heart may
have bled inside of me at the sight, but
I . never said a word. I've learned to
drink tea at 5 o'clock In the afternoon
when my better nature called for some
thing that wouid call back, and I've al
most got so now that I can say luggage
without thinking baggage. But still I
fall short. What seems to be the trouble
with this latest critic of ours?"
"He's kiekln' agin our hotels." ex
plained the House Detective. ""He's say
In', so the paper says, that they ain't fit
; tor a human bein" to live In."
"It's always been that way." said the
I Hotel Clerk, "from the time of the Revo
lution downward the English have never
been entirely satisfied with our accom-
modatloas for the transient guest. It was
so In the War of ISli It was so when
i Charles Dickens and Mrs. Trollope paid
Ins visits one time and took a few note
for future use. and It was even so when
Mrs. Eleanor Glrn. the authoress of fire
side literature I mean the kind you
could light a fire with and not use a
match came over last Winter and three
weeksed a spell with us. A. Jackson,
down at New Orleans once, did the hon
or with such gracious hospitality and
some cotton bales, that many of the vis
iting firemen saw their way clear to re
mainlng permanently, with us, as guests
of the Episcopal Cemetery; Dut tne sur
vivors went back home jnst tne same ana
WtJV
fpread Eagle Island, Maine.
tlo Editor Oregonlan. who are elfflclent
' ly wise about Artick excursions to
i . know a Pole from a Swede.
Dearest Sir:
y 8 soonly as I read by news-print
- that Hon. Peary had made a dash
for Spread Eagle Island to Join his Ar
j tick family circle, I am determined to
! do so also. Therefore I purchase car
j fare to Maine where I borrow a row
! boat from another fisherman. In this
lonesome vehicle I splash laboriously
til. of suddenly, I observe a neat Island
with a Star-Striped Banner nailed to
a tall pole. I am aware I have arrived.
When I tie my boat to this beach I
notice something. About 10.000 Tour
lsu'wa there already standing in line
await lo be next. Tired expression for
them. This line was 1 1-2 miles length
wise and ended up at Hon. Peary Cot
tage where It wished to go. A Office
L&dd were promenading up & down
- - '
taVSekS- "ML mM&$t SCHOOLBOY
! n i . t
ibWiCrPlK ay
!hfe IIIKs!
tip - )Wr
v' s -Is i
1 - 1
.v-USJM fc?H. i
IX FARTHEST NORTH CORNER OF Till COMPARTMENT O.X A STEAM RAYDIATOR SAT THE HERO WHAT
HAD AILE THE STAR STRIPE BA3TXER TO THE ICY END OF THE GEOGRAPHY.
talked about 'the entertainment shame
fully. "I think maybe sometimes It's because
the Eagllsh writers who come over to
study us are disappointed right from the
Jump. They go Into one of our leading
hotels expecting to find It full of red
Indians, and the fiercest thing they strike
Is a Swiss waiter who's been eating
onions. Tlwy start up Broadway and
there's nobody hunting buffaloes on
horseback. Practically, all the wild game
hunting op Broadway la done either on
foot or In automobile. They're deeply
pained to discover that the packing
house product of Chicago hae got the
roast beef of Old England looking like
underdone leather findings. It irks them
to observe that we Yankees have a mad-"
denlng way of pronouncing their lan
guage, something like It's spelt. Our
whole system Is wrong. Our fogs are of
an Inferior quality and don't last; our
clothes sometimes fit us. and we take
Ice in our drinking water Instead of
exhibiting it In a museum as , a rare
curiosity, the same as English los. Our
colored population, instead of wearing
spike-tailed coats and Docks tader collars
and saying 'Oh. gorry. Maaea like the
genuine darky blackamoors one sees In
the minstrel sing-songs at the 'alls at
ome, are mainly engaged In the pursuit
of politics and pork chops. We'd rather
have a cantaloupe for breakfast than a
gob of marmalade that stays on the
back side of the front teeth until It's
taken up by absorption, and Instead of
talking frequently about our morning
tub we Just go and take It and don't
mention the matter afterward, If I no
wonder that the English visitor goes back
to Stoke-Pottleton-onthe-whatever-Stoke-PoUteton-is-on,
and bastes all our insti
tutions from skyscrapers to lynching beea
until we are" exuding drip gravy from
every pore.
Rut when they put the American
hotel system on the pan they touch me
In my most tender emotions, .Larry. l
certainly do object to a mere foreigner
arrogating to himself the right to speak
so severely of our hotels. Just as though
be was a traveling salesman for a nov
elty Jewelry fimj In Grand Rapids, or
the leading man In a week-stand reper
toire company. Anyhow, we've got
mnuch varieties of hotel In this fen-
land of ours to satisfy the most fastld-
foot Reference
this 11m asking each Person, "Name,
please." A militia gent forwards fron.
me said, "I am General Kuropatkin."
A oldiy man next by me report, "I am
Doc Chas. W. Eliot." A richly dec
orated fcidlviddle back from me deploy,
"I am Hon. Philander P. Knocks," &
a shady athlete, at the end of the line
reproach. "I am Hon. Jon Jonsen (col
ored)." "Name, If any." say Hon. Office Ladd,
arriving up to me.
"I am Prince Kunl of Japan," I de
ploy deceptively, because I knew folks
must be pretty high to get Inside that
Peary house.
"When Gen. Kuropatkin. hear this he
say, "War le hell, but this Is heller. Of
fice Ladd, how long must a war-scared
Russian be kep waiting to see this
Pole?"
"Remain In line & keep your voice
closed," ollicnte that official child de-
lous. "Now you take the kind you
strike in one of. thoBe mall-order
towns away out in "the interior
where a branch road stops from
total exhaustion. Here's where they
have a "hotel named the. Oriental House
th "Palace, or some modest name.
that looks like a livery stable, only It
has fewer windows. All the flies In the
-Shelf
Hashimura Holds His Teeth to Keep Them from Making Less Chatter
While He Pokes Disgusting Questions About a Cook Book and
Other Artiek Subjects at Hon. Robt. Eskimo Peary
parting away In direction of Peary. All
look wistfully to him. Pretty soonly
Boy retreat back & say, "Hon. Peary
must be happy to see Prince Kunl of
Japan." - . -
I elope forwards with cheerful feet.
When. I pass Inside Hon. Kuropatkin.
Philander P. Knocks & others hiss at
me with Jalus expressions like they
should wish to hit me with their hats.
I promenade into room. In farthest
North corner of this compartment on
a steam raydiator sat the Hero what
ad nailed the Star Stripe Banner to
the Icy end of the geography where he
country make their headquarters there. In
the Summer, and when the landlord
plans a boiled dinner as a warm-weather
treat lor his patrons there's a certain
subtle. Invigorating atmosphere that fills
the establishment and. gives promise to
all that the real "old vintage cabbage is
going to be .served, and not some feeble
deodorized .substitute.
had left his toes but never got cold
feet - Yet he are the coolest hero I
have ever met. My blood congllled in
my veins to look at him; whenever
he laughed I sneezed. He wore A-.tick
overshoes when he talked. If the Other
Explorer had did this, maybe more folks
would believe him. ,
As I intruded in, Hon. Peary was
conversing with Hon. Wm. Jenny Bry
an. Hon. Bryan was saying,
"A little frost cannot discourage a
brave heart."
So I knew they must be dis-cusing
Politics.
"Hon. Polish Sir," I commence, hold
ing my teeth so tl;ey would make less
chatter, "I notice your name In morning
paper." M
"Prince, I am surprised at nothing,
say he, because he wasn't.
"I read from news-print," I corrode
onwards, "that many Scientists accuse
you of being first human Person to
discover that Pole. Are you certainly
sure that no great man in history never
done this athletlck event previously to
youT'
Slight nervousness for Hon. Peary.
"Hush it!" he snagger, leading Hon.
Bryan to door & coming back on tap
toes. "Tell you truthful. I got very sus
picious evidence that one distinguished
Traveler was there previously to me."
"What was nam of this Tourist?" I
require warmly.
"Baron Munchausen," report Peary,
weeping a few icesickles.
"But Hoq. Doc Cook " I commence.
"Restrain from mentioning his name,"
collide that great Snow Man. "r'or a
Arctic person I have been Cooked too
much. What did that man want vo
start there for? Did the North Pole
advertise for a Cook? Too many Cooks
spoil the Pole."
"Now he are going to write a Cook
Book." I sntrggest.
He make no answer to mv reply.
Hon. Peary," I resume, "kindly realize
what you have ben & done! You have
opened the Ice Box of the World. Did
you not bring back many strange &
curio Specimens what has been in stor
age there since Zero B. C?"
"I brung back delicious quantities of
curios, both mammal and vegetable,"
proclara this Peary-man, "but the
strangest Specimen I ever seen arrived
In Copenhagen five days before I tele
graphed my Dishcovery." .
"How you classify that Speciman?"
is next question for me.
"It is a Artick Hoolamlngus," he dash
"What is a Hoolamlngus?" I acquaint?
"Hoolamlngus," report Peary, "are a
Eskimo word meaning 'One-who-dlsap-"
pears - awhlle-and-comes-back-wlth-a-lecture."
. "Many Professors & other Eskimos,
is my next interview, "has accused Hon.
Cook for stealing off your trained doga
from village of Utah, Greenland. Is
educational puppies useful in pole-trotting?"
"Say-so they was!" ollloute Peary.
"Them doggies what I trained In vil
lage of Utah was called Lapp dogs, be
oause they was brought up very ex
pensively In Lapland. They was cross
between wolves and Irish Pointers.
Their pointing qualities was miracu
lously convenient. I got them so cul
tured that they could point at the
North Pole even In the darkest Win
ter. When it got so dellciously cold
that Hon. Compass frizz stiff, then I
merely had to whistle to them Lapp
dogs & every toe would point Pole
wardsly." "Didn't they never make -some mistakes?"-
thejc lecjilre.
"That goes for the Summer. In the
"Winter the favored transient gets a bed
room' that has a death chill on its pallid
walls and a bottomless pit of a feather
bed whore he sinks to slumber and
dreams of smothering to death In an ava
lanche of hens. He also has the ex
clusive use of a drum stove about as big
around as a pocket Inkstand, with a ca
"Only once," he renounce. "It wag on
the morn of April 1st when we was slid
ing down the 130th Paralell. Arora Borax,
most intellectual of them Lapp dogs, was
leading puller " on the sleighs. Of sud
denly I am aware that Hon. Compass
have got another frozen spell, so I com
pose my lips to whistle signal for thn
Lapp dogs to point dew North. But alas!
when I tempt to do so I discover that my
whistle was also frosted solid, so no noise
could be made. .Them doggies continued
going wrong for 3 days and I could-not
tell them what to do. until Hon. Matt
Hansen, talented Pullman eskimo, thawed
me out .with hot tea. This show by
what slender wires great events oftenly
hangs."
"Didn't Hon. Cook leave you none of
them mammals to lead you to Pole?" I
requesli.
"Arora Borax, my faithful pointer, re
mained with me til April 6; after that it
were unnecessary to know where North
was. Arora was a smart Canan. For 40
days & 40 nights Bhe kep her nose close
to the ice-pack, smelling North like a
dash-hound after a rabbit. On the morn
of April 6 poor Rory trotted so fast we
was obliged to fasten, out mittens to her
tail to keep up with her. Then, of sud
denly, with a patriotlck yellup, she stop
& ramm her head into the glaciers so'
bard that she poked out her brain. By
actual tape-measure this were the exact
locus of the North Pole!"
"Did that faithful mammal crack its
skull on a mysterious brass tube marked
'Fred?' I manipulate.
"No dog of mine would be foolish
enough to do that," he dib with refrig
erated expression.
"Permit me to poke one more disgust
ing question," I negotiate. "When folks
get married or lynched or sent to Con
gress they always gets peculiar sensa
tions. What thrillish feel did you get
when vou realized you had arrived at
lastly?"
"To tell you truthly," explain this
great Detective, "when I was there I
wished I was somewhere else. Getting
into the Artick Rejuns is like getting in
to Newport or any other cold & brutal
experience. Large expense to equip ex
peditions. Several years of hope, frost,
lack of human companionship, wildly
dashes, patient waits & sorrowful re
treats back home to get more money &
try again. At lastly, on successful day.
by souper-human efforts & contsant diet
of raw dogs, at lastly you arrive to coun
try where everything is flat & frozen &
unhappy & unfit for folks with warm
hearts & willing etumacks to live in.
Then you realize you are There. Such
exclusive Circles Is full of peculiar gran
Jer. But they are not so cozy as Peoria."
"Do you blame the success of your trip
to expensive groceries, pianolas & scien
ttflck tools you took along?" I -ftsk It.
"How could any expedition fail to get
there when it start on a boat named the
Roosevelt?" he required. "That ship
seemed to know Its name. It took the
Artick Ocean In its teeth and every time
It seen a Iceberg it wated to eat it up.
It had so much steam it nearly exploded.
It was continually forgetting it was a
ship &' trying to walk on shore like a
ottomobile."
"That wee dellciously similar to Hon.
Roosevelt," I snagger.
"That boat was determined we must
get to Pole or burst. If we had returned
back without it, we never should of dared
to look the 'Roosevelt' in the face."
"How unfortunate It might be ;f your
ship had been named from some other
famous man!"
"I should hesitate to depart on such
a dangerous pick-nick In a ship called
the 'Alton B. Parker,' " he promote.
I arose up to part off, because I could
hear ' General Kuropatkia talking out
Si da la Russian
pacity of one heaping teaspoonful of coal
dust every Ave minutes, a faculty for
getting as red in the face as a tuba play
er and a desire to draw itself up the flue.
But if the customary dose 4s ever neg
lected, rigor mortis sets in almost in
stantly, and that etove becomes the cold
est thing around the works with the ex
ception of the place where the guest puts
his bare feet on' the flood, getting up. in
the morning. The towel which goes with
this apartment has been kiln dried and
then veneered to. give it a high polish.
and It would take a chemical analysis to
get lather out of the official cake of pale
pink soap.
"The dining-room is also a Joy jorever.
If the proprietor ever so far forgot him
self as to serve Camembert and water
crackers, the regular would call in the
Coroner for one and the can opener for
the" others- and the sight of a finger bowl
would set everybody to wondering-what
had become of all the gold fishes. They
don't call the waiter 'garcon' there, be
cause his name Is Roscoe or Gabe, and
it might hurt his feelings; and the chef,
or rather cheftainess: she being usually
a widow lady, may not be up on those
French macaroon desserts that look like
Ice cream suffering from granulated eye
lids, but she knows all these is to know
about fried pie and canned corn, and she
has no superiors when it comes to rig
ging up a tasty cold supper for Sunday
night out of chipped beef, graham wafers
and the nourishing Juice of the preserved
pear." .
"Well, I admit that we've got some
purty shine country" hotels scattered
around," said tVe House Detective, "but
wofs the matte with a shop like this
here one?"
"Nothing's the matter with It," said
the Hotel Clerk. "Hasn't It got a line of
interior decorations that Is something
like a poor child's Idea of Heaven, only
more expensive? Don't it take more of
ficials in uniform to serve an order of
bacon and eggs here than It does to open
lodge for work in the thirty-third degree?
Hasn't everything been done to make It
a" cozy little eight-million-dollar establish
ment where a visitor from out of town
can spend an enjoyable week for about
what it would cost him to live three
years In Pokeroot Junction? The reply
Is, oh, yes.
"That English party certainly had a
nerve to utter unkind words against
"Many persons shall feel peeved to you
because you no bring that Pole for Smith
sonian Instltoot or some other publick
tomb," I shake with hand.
"We nearly fetched that Pole to N. Y,"
saly Hon. Peary. "But when we heard
that Hon. Wm. Loeb was Chief Customer
at port we gave that Pole to a Eskimo
baby to play with, because we couldn't
afford, to pay duty on such, expensive
goods."
"Some others persons might find It
there," I explain.
"Quite probly they might,"' pop out
this Peary. "First thing I know Hon.
Cook will be signing his name to It &
dragging it into Brooklyn."
So I part off & leave Hon. Kuropatkin
talking like a firecracker.
Outside I seen 1ZO00 Persons remaining
in line awaiting to do so. Hon. Jon
Jonsen (colored) were yet standing there
patiently. When he seen me he yall
with voice,
"Please, Mr. Boss, what will North
Pole be good for next?"
"It will be scene of the most Scientific
Fight in history," I report.
i : ; "
THVT SHIP SEEMED TO KNOW ITS NMF- IT TOOK THE AR
TICK Ot EA.V IV ITS TOOTH AN D EVERV TIME IT SEEN A It E
BURG IT W ANTED TO EAT IT I P.
the New York hotel. For -where In th
world could you find Its equal? Think:
over Its advantages. A single-breasted
room and form-fitting bath, looking
out of an airshaft onto the roof 'of a
steam laundry, for only nine dollars a
day. meals, drinks and attention from
hired help, extra. A lobby of gold and
onyx and precious stones full of Louis
C's chairs, that are perfectly splendid
until you try to sit on them. A noble
foyer, where you feel almost as com
fortable and homelike as you would
sitting around the main curio hall In
the Eden Musfe. A system of elevators
where they shoot you "P to the root
so fast that your .heart gets distance!
and finishes in the pit of your stom
ach, with the field. A glittering patn
way to the bar, lined by prominent
financiers under indictment, business
agents for the largest and most popu
lar bunco games, professional Southern
gentlemen who want to tell you who
their grandfathers were and then bor
row two dollars, and others of the
gay and fashionable throng. Shops un
der the same roof where you buy candy
by the carat and mining stocks by the
car lot. A magnificent office vault,
where guests may leave their money
in case the bucket shop manager down
the corridor didn't see 'eru first. Lanes
of loveliness full of society ladles who
are going on the stage and stage ladies
who would go into society if they
weren't afraid of being talked about.
Splendid cafes, where captains of
finance who were raised on well water
and hazelnuts scream In mad rage be
cause the wine wasn't properly cooled.
Potted gents asleep under potted palms.
Nothing on the bill of fare at less than
three figures except the day of the
month. A national convention on. the
main floor, a suffragette congress, a
masque ball and fourteen state society
banquets upstairs, a Pittsburg younger
setter trying to drive his touring car
through the main entrance and a visit
ing bank cashier cutting his throat on
the top story. "What more would you
ask?"
"This here Englishman said he found
out that an ordinary party is neglected
an' overlooked in a big American ho
tel," said the House Detective.
"He must've failed to tip the wait
er," said the Hotel CUrk.
"Snakes of living, must we go all that
distance!" he collapse HlJe a prune.
Hoping you are the same .
Yours truly
HASHIMURA TOGO.
(Coorriitht. 1009, by th Associated Lltsr-
Pres. )
Stodel "Presentation" Speech.
Monson Register.
John Smith had worked for the valve
corporation for 42 years and decided to
quit. The company in consideration of
his long and faithful service arranged
to give him a monetary recognition.
The superintendent of the works, a
German and an extra good mechanic,
was asked to present It. He was ad
vised to use a little sentiment in mak
ing the presentation speech, anil this Is
the way he did it:
"John: you haft work for the com
pany over 40 years?"
"Yes."
"Vou are going to quit?"
"Yes."
"Veil! They are so tarn glnd of it that
they asked me to hand you this hundred
dollars.