6
THE SUNDAY OR ETONIAN. POUTLAM). 31 AY no.
limn.
DEAREST SIR Just soon as I earn bow-do to manage American-talk
bo I can say it, then everybody begin that Baseball
language which is too difficult to asslinulate. Newspaper
type says following information: "Murray's Pets toy for the Pen
nant," "The Giants are gummy but game," "Cubs bite the Bean
eaters." "Sloppy Blugging for the Senators" and "Trolley Dodg
ers prance home with the Rubber Plant." This are very wise
news, but what does it mean?
Yesterday I wrote to Sporty Editor at newspaper require:
"Hon. Dearsir: How could brite Japanese Boy learn base
balling most quickest at less expense? H. TOGO."
Hon. Ed he-make following kindy reply by tipewriter:
"Dear Mr. Togo: Ask some person or a friend who under
stand the game to explan it to you. If you enjoy entomology go
talk with the Bugs." Or else blow away 50c and see a game."
This seem a very cheap way to catch some knowledge, so I
go see Hon. Alfred Snltz. German intelligence, who are the most
educated baseballer I can remember. He got a breezy National
League mind like an electric fan. Hon. Snltz are called a Bug.
but he look more like a Crab. So I approach to him & say.
"Hon. Sir, please to explain Baseball to me in simple &
straightfronted language. Please conceal nothing, however dis
agreeable; but say it in plain-talk American so mv mind will
clasp it."
"O surely I shall & much obliged." say he with brightly smil
ing. "Baseball makes more noise and causes less harm than anv
other game known to man. except Politics. And Baseball are su
perior to Politics because it is oftenly worth 50c to see. Baseball
is the only form of lynching. where nobody is hurt. It takes two
Teams to play Baseball; the Home Team and the Visitors. When
Baseball is kept pure and upright the Home Team always wins.
When the Visitors lose it s their own fault; but when the Home
Team loses it's a sign the Umpire has been tampered with."
This information drift behind my eyebrows quite easily.
"I shall now tell you in plain language." say Hon. SnIU. "how
Baseball are played. A hay-maker flourishes a wallop-stick over
home dish while a three-fingered catapult projects the pill to the
Man Behind who hooks it into his poultice. The strong-arm with
the club is permitted 3 slams at the pellet. If he fails to connect
he's to the bench with the Outskis. But if. perchance, be bump
the sphereoid on the nose or hoists It to the zenith he's permitted
to romp around the pasture until some Indian collars the projec
tile and chews him off in his mad career."
I receive this news with expression of calm courage.
"If the Twirler is a dead one." report this Hon. Bug. "it's
a case of stung-again for the Common People. But when you've
got a flossy light-wing in the cake with a Matty movement, then
the Proletariate get a gallop for their gilt and all the Umpire
has to do is to take the Outski Triplets for a new Inning."
"Do the Police look on & permit all that to happen?" I
require sadly.
"How could they hellup it?" reject this Hon. Insect. "Al
though the imported talent may dandle the pole for a regular
SY rfASHINlURA TOGO (WALLACE IRWIN)
BASE BALL AND HOW TO SPEAK IT
Hans Wagner clout, what good dors It do him when the Hoy In
the Box carries his business arm on the Pacific Coast side and
can thrown a horse-shoe curve with a drop on the end like a
Niagara Falls? What's the use If"
"Please. Mr. Sir." I explode, "this are pleoty sufficient
Baseball lesson for today, thank you: I shall take this language
home with me. and with careful study of diagrams, map, etc.,
shall attempt to learn how to understand it."
So I draw off from this Hon. Snltz with bent stomach blssr
politeness. But when I arrive home I study 3 continual ds. but
I can not make head & tail or them word he said-It. I show this
baseball-talk to Bunklo Sagurhl. Sydney Katsu. Jr.. Arthur Kirka
hajama & Little Annie Anazuma who admire It for Its musical
syllables, but can not describe what It means. S. Wanda. Jap
anese socialist, say-so he think it Is the death-speech of Crazy
Snake, prominent Indian drunkard. Cousin Nogl. who are a T.
M. C. A. graduate & understand horscraclug, say he recognize
some Baseball stmptoms In his talk, but he are helpless to un
derstand which sido won.
So we all go by car-fare to suburbs of trolley where baseball
yard Is. By sounds of angry rage & riot-call we are aware how
this game are being enjoyed. We buy entrance for 5e each
fc 23c Tor Annio Anasuma who can only understand S as much as
grown folks.
When we arrived to bleached seats sll-Americans there was
standing up demanding the death of Hon. Umpire.
"Why should it?" I ask to know.
"He is rotten." say one young youth.
"He is too fresh." revoke another with steamed tigar.
"How could a fresh Umpire be so decayed?" I asked for an
swer, but all-Americans throw scorn to me because I am Japanese.
Silence then for all. Down In baseball yard we could see
them Hon. Baseballers standing around In athletlck positions as If
they expected to. It were a brlte. traglck scene like a Turkish
execution. Something were going to happen. Hon. Pitch make
wormful twist of stomach, out-flop of knee, do skate-step with bis
entire feet, arrange right elbow behind left ear. then of sud
denly o:: He snap himself out with swift spasm & Hon.
Ball Jump forth like an earnest bullet straight to heart of Hon.
Knocker who attempt to ware It away with strong swing of
bat-stick.
"Struck 3!" explain Hon. Umpire with a mean voice peculiar
to villlans. So Hon. Knocker throw away l.at-stlck with peeved
expression of a Jealous lover St quit.
"Why do Hon. Umpire compel this Knocker to quit doing
so?" I say to a Tough Child what sal next by me.
"Because he could not hit a baloon." revoke he.
"Where Is the baloon. please?" enquire Little Annie Ana
zuma. but them Americans was too busy speaking the language
for reply.
Pretty soonly another Knocker bit Hon. Pall suck angr dth
with bat-stick that it do a deceptive skip along entire ard while
all them lion. Baseballers clotter after it with run-about legs like
chickens herding grasshoppers until lien. Knocker arrived to Sec
ond Bass on the seat of bis stummlrk. And while this were being
performed "all-Americans on bleached scats w as making hjucria
with voice. Tough Child to my left were jailing. "Yar-r-r-r-rV
and solid German vote to my right were howelllng "Yow-w-w.w T
I touch this Child lightly ft require. "Why do some persons
!! Yar and other persons Yow when Haschall happens?" I ask It.
"That Is two M.u of sajlog the same thing." sav chllj with
slight snub.
"Whst should It signify, please?" are next question for me.
"There is a Policeman outside." dlb Hon. Child with red ex
pression of hair. "The City hires him to answer surh quoMlons
like that."
I should like to see this Hon. Police, but inabe could not
get Inside again. If I should.
So I neglect to notice them monotone us thing them Ba
ballera Is doing. It are more educational lo w.tch Hon. Crowd a
see the way It misbehaves.
Hon. Wm. Jennings Bjron. famous English poe'.rr. speak In
fancy rhvme about the "pulse or the multitude." I l.-.k to tM
crowd to see If can find It and surely je. there Is! could
ee. It In the Jaw of 1 000 Office Ijids making bark-forth wotln
with regular clock-time. Pretty soonly a merchant ctue along
selling chew-gam at 5c each, so I buy a Pols for mvself and a
slight one for little Annie. By chewing oB ,l, we inf our
working In unicorn with America our soul make a merger with
Baseball. Already 1 think I understand more plalnlv. even If I
don't.
In this Crowd I observe Hon. Hugs of all age trtlng to be
have equal. Oldly Bugs was looking young and youngly Bugs was
looking old. There was many Grandfather Bugs appearing roost
vouthly of all.
But where ta the Grandmother Bugs?" ask that Hon. Tough
C bild.
"They all died this afternoon." report he rrninrsclelv
SUNDAY TWO LETTERS OF A JAP SCHOOLBOY
Setting here & there concealed under riower-baskets was
numberous Idy Bugs who seemed quite oung beautiful from
Ihelr chins, which was all I could see of them under their hats
Inside of surh huj mllllnary they could not e the Game but
ihcy were le annoyed by this. They did not come to see the
Game. They come because they had been brought. Thev also
talked Baseball Language, but they said It like parrots reciting
Swinburne without knowing whether It was proper or not.
This Hon. Crowd resembled tbe Sea by the blllowv way It
acted. When they Jumped forthly like th of Julv. I knew that
Hon. Home Team had got ahead. When they Hop bwk with
-. S
HIack Hand expre-.ton of a noes Italian. I w., aware that Ha
Mltors Is doing very nicelj. noticed the m.n wb.Lm.de loud
est racket about the Umpires Impure character was tbe most
dishonest -look log rn.ii in the audirnte.
Therefore, when I w.tch H..n. Crowd. I IMV I under
stand Hs-challlBg .t.hout a di.gr.ro. U.a-rh.inng Is a G.m.
where person. I, mad w h. the, l.e. tt,d when the, w1b: where
Hon. 11 oct He t. the mo.. j.,,fu mu.kr.ke. where strong Me.
act like bahtc, ft ladies ,,. ,b.lf- r, ,h,nk, bow
'"'T '"- "hen ton watch the Crowd t
ion MasrOalUng are like Politics
are ies expensive ft
other amusements.
So this Game burst up ft somebody mu-.bu, ctl ..,r.
who did. because nohody would te! me ih.s Into, mallon.
nen we was going home Little Ancle Anss
ennatsn rebuke.
"Uncle Togo, wh
"Thst
aftcrncn
cu can aot atoid to
War. HtiMness. Life:
more popular list. ni t.f them
luuia sav tor
jou no buy oiue Hon. IVnui '
I would be loo much lUseballmg to accomrlh for owe
i rrpiy nervurly.
3
01
Mr Kd.tor. when I first decided to arrl.e to Ame.ua from
Jspan. about years bgone. mv C.raadf n her Irhl. who was
brlte man for one so dried. a-su to me.
"Togo. In a few months-time jou should be able to be
President of Arue.,1,.. because jou are sm.M ft industrious
S.rl.e to ge, ,oL job. f h.t J. no, vacant, be something else
famous. Learn to be a Poet ft say rh,me. ,h.t l jiBl. dowa
the ages; or a Admiral or a College Profeor so ou will be con
tinually noticed by reporters whenever jou walk."
Hut them word. of my Hon. Grandfather wss like msav
other moesago. f ,,,.,. M,M: ,rrr 1m ,,, BO, vry
gent. Americans scarcely cer gets r.mou. bv beieg Presidents
bec.uM. .here I. so few Jot- ft ,., Amrrlt.. AUo
I residents I not prominent like Hon. Roosevelt. Hon Taft hate
neer seemed so absent as be have since March 4. And Poet.'
who ,er reads them except Mag.xlne Editors who ha. ,o And
what chan.t has College Professors to rl famous except when
they writes something about the - Psychology of Baseb.ll.ng" and
thusly gels on the Sporty Pace?
Therefore. If I mu.t be famous to ple.se my Hon. Grand
father. 1 shall aot try for any of them Jobs he said. I shall
attempt ,o be a Baseballer to receive corner-talk, bulletlo-board
ft bantals all day. If f.n , become ,ale,ed as . Ba.eb.ller I
shall study Grand Opera where persons get. famous, too. but
somewhat less so. f can not be . H.I Chase I shall make
humbler strive ft try to be a Caruso. should like to be In evetv
Phonograf-but It .re a much harder Job to get Into the National
league, which are a very exclusive club.
Hoping jou will have some ambition also. Yours truly.
HASHIMVR A TOGO.
. Copyright. o. by p. F. Collier ft Son
c
FT IRVING E. roBB
THE Hotel Clerk drew from his
breast pockets a number of con
densed time tables, folders, post
ers and circulars, printed in three or
more colors. Ipnn the backs of most
of these were pictures of shiny bummer
Cirls propelling; shiny canoes across
shiny lakes with shiny paddles, or else
lovely Summer hoys, with t orm-fUt In
duck trousers on ami their sleeves
rolled up. sitting on the Brums plavlns
guitars. From which a close observer
could have told at a glance that the
Hotel Clerk had been acquiring adver
tising matter dealing with tills vaca
tion proposition. He piled the collec
tion up on the desk In tront of hint and
gazed at it.
"And to think it's not there." he
said, morosely. "All this mas of Sum
mer literature hy the best authors and
not a sign of it."
"Not a sign of wotr inquired the
Hotifce Uptective of the St. Iteckless.
"The place where I fain would spend
my hard-earned vacation and money,
this Summer." answered the Hotel
"lerk. "It ioen't appear to be In the
hooks. Here we have all the leading
authorities on tne subject, and t don't
seem to be able to find it anywhere."
"There's more n ten thousand places
you mlsl,t ko to." said the House In
fective. "Yes. I know." said the Hotel
t'lerk. "And no matter which one I
picked out I'd wish I'd (tone to the
other nine thousand nine hundred and
ninety-nine, thus Insuring that my fate
would be the common fate of all. Here
I am with my mind all madn up that
my system Is sufficiently strong and
rugged to endure one of those fort
nights of rest and recuperation out of
town, and now I find myself violently
UP sa-slnst uncertainty and suspense."
"Well, wot kind of a place do you
want?" asked the House Infective.
"All I want." said the Hotel Clerk.
Is a place that's not on the shore, or
up in the mountains, or hv a lake, or
near a mineral sprinx full of water
that tastes like the wrath to come.
A place that has no hunting and no
fishing, no bathing except bath-tuh-
cravy.
Mnr. and no boating except
boating. A place without golf links or
tennis courts or facilities for walking
and drlvina. A place that does not ad
vertise either family table or a Krench
cuisine by the best Krench culslnlsts.
A place that is not a dear old firm
hotisa or a larce plank hotel with ver
andahs and scandals extending all the
way around It. I don't want a hunt
ing shack In the woods or a bungalow
within sound of the breakers.
"If you happen to know of a place.
I-arry. that hasn't got any of the regu
lar vacation facilities or attraction
whatsoever. I'd be very pleased If you'd
whisper the name to me and I'll go
l-ht now and wire for accommoda
tions. "It looks like to me you don't know
wot you do ant," said the House De
tective. "Mtybe you're right." said the Hotel
Clerk, "out I know whst I don't want.
In times a-one by. Iarry. I have tone
deeply and expensively into this burn
Ins; vacation Issue, and I've Jeen bitten
so often that now every time I see a
lithograpa of a Summer hotel I feel
like screaming for somebody to come
and apply a niadstone to me. I've been
to the fashionable place with dlppv
towers and foolish cupolae stuck all
over It. till it looked like the Mad King
of Bavaria might have designed It. and
It was here they soaked me nine of
those hsrd smalgam dollars per dsy for
a room shout the size of a bureau
drawer snd charged extra In the bill
for everything except the .scenery. The
reason they didn't charge for the
scenery was because there wasn't any.
l'-e tried the old farmhouse with the
home CiioklilK. and I knew why girls
leave home. I've sighed for a lodge In
the wilderness and kept ria;ht on sigh
ing after I got there. I've been to the
strictly family resort hv ,he sounding
sea. with the sounding-hoard partitions
all over the place, the soundlna babv
in the next room ensraged In ralslna
teeth, hives and nettle rssh. and a
troupe of sounding children utterlnar
their rharsctSrlstic sounds Just outline
my window every time I tried to take
the neighbor. Toa r;in,h
!' farm maeon that is .,f-
rlnB from S hc-kaanl trcr . .
flat wheels, and i oown rioM.lr.J
- i orrrnoov else on
straw. tt'a a peculiar hind
tal they for
don't snow m ;-rr.
pllr of
f straw
a straw ride. t
It Com. . f.a.m ..M-
le, ,, y ,, ou f lhj Bllt,..,.
uesl rooms before the season
ofens. 'fa a kind of straw that baa
ntnety.four IhouaiSd SrixralF and dis
tinct stays of atabMna- you Uiniich the
promenade deck of . pair of wblic d.irk
rants. .1 one and lis same time, thus
disposed, the nierrv com.an rl.trs a
lone eistance ever lat Is probably the )
worst road In the known world The '
" , " enner does or does not com o,it I r-aed lo arcidents
sum a cnad. mad rvenlnc. and
coming hack. nearly etwaya nreak
down In the middle of a swamp t-te
the calllnlppers are the sire or a rasn.
wsrt'S and the native plnchlne t,OB.
files rMihrty around. sl:h an arrance.
mmt tike a set of susar tones sii.it.
!2? " l-s naturally low and for- ca'led home -
TWO NEW
yoke: society women take paet in amateur
. theatricals.
NEW YORK. May :. (Special.) Mrs. Austen Cray and Mrs. J. B. Kust.s
t..ck part in tne garden fete held Thursday at the 1-enox Library Field.
New Wk , or .h- benefit of Hope Farm. There were ,wo perform. ce, each
' 1,1 Dnnf in an onpn.mr I h..F.r whi.
ba-ks up
salnst the lnox Library. Aoionjr the well-known .... I... ...ooi. .
part were Mrs. Arthur Soon Rurd'n. Mrs. r.,i., i..., ,r. .
rs. J. B. Eustis. Mrs. Austen Gray and oth'rs-
1 II . ., J - .
I II II k I II I J I . II .an. from
I .- -. I 1 -
i i ..T.rii -ill n mi if
t hi m Ith xun :
PtUAi ifV I : Pi : SCISS0RS CRIKDEa
ihsv assemble a? filiiji : K '"r-T-vT "'I
TKE HOTEL PORCH ffui 1 1 ' tl.l : " '
I and sng Ihnwjj FTP '
j Coco N-r.LA,bi3" YlljjjJ fui :" 1 1
! . III" I : ('A U t
Is 1 1 r -"w-i , -.. ' a .
: -s -v
: t - v-,...
T-J1
N
Mddlna forrhead. 1 certalnlv would
ctsve to lake one mote straw rifle
.nd thrn die."
-All thai tin. of talk don I put us
bo nearer the pla. e ri ou re oln'
'o speed our arillun "' 1 A . -
I "IfrlU 4
-Wei!." said tV.a Hotel Clerk. "1 bars
a place in mine where 1 know 14 rs
perf-oily aatlsned and comfortable. I 4
rat the th'tics I lo - lo asat and I a talk
to Ih. r-ofle I want lo talk lo and I d so
lo Ihe places I Kke lo git lo. wouMn I
be holltcred bv a lot of refuses
, J.ll.lts tl al e.aped Trorn a human cu -j
Tit cabinet lwaaf omehod Icfc h.
J door or- n. wouldnt te ct-.arced nine"
v come Into iha ho-
er a ml .d I know Id ke
I atrv Hut I don I think It ..-..a
r""rv"' siend a sa.-.tio ihere. It
not aeoordin. in form aod I taitr
beard of antbedv thai eid It "
mis Mars called?" asked
House Itctec-te.
"This place " said Ihe J-
I he
lei Cletk. "Is
TRAVELS" 21.870 MILES IN ONE YEAR.
some
durtna the
lorn rhem nut
plant l abloom
a nap In the afternoon. l'e fled as a
bird to yon mountain and fled right
bsck araln us soon as my week waa tin
I've been lo the b ea It h -rest ort n a
eprinars wnere tna oolv real pleasure
na.i sai taking out the return half of
my round-lrlp ll.kei every lulls whll
and looking al u aalth a greal wlslful
tonclnir.
"sv. frr. where do you suppose
fh. y et ihe kind of people that always
take lh,'ir vacations the same lime you
do and t ihe same mare? I h,, thsv
aeep tnom in rlow rapllvlly In
oars underground haunt
off-season anil on
when the hav 1-x
re iear i know this . ou don't see
em any lime all durlnc the ear until
all of a audden. some mornlns:. they
come os.t on a hotel porch and beam
to efferie... b,t know nl .n hv
Ihe harks. Th-re's the stout ladv auf-fet-lnst
fiom a a-reat galhrrmc of sod
dent wealt.i ot. the l,..t. m ho romes
down to breakfast broken out all over
with diamonds like ih- casino and
wearii.a a large Itoric bead of laff
some or It hetng home
but most of It broushl on.
There s Ihe willowy sister who
dresses herself ur In c lo.e.fittinc white
stuff until ane looks like a compound
fnrfjrs. and does plastic poses In the
hammock, with the skirls drawn In
verv close, so aa lo gly her future a
chance to cause comment. There s Ihe
grase-wldow with the orbs of a startled
fwn and the low flute. like sympathetic
notes, who's talked to . all Ihe men
sd a:ked about h aM the women.
There s the ssale-ev.d lsdv sharp who
make. a speeia'ty of hrl-l.. an-1 dost
grosr n.
things aim tne cards that would make
the (tie fospy Sinith turn over In lha
arav and hut Ihe nams-plals off his
coifm.
"'There's lha ery. itiv wealthy fam
ily onalstlna of me prematurely eld
father, one prematurely jnum mother,
one dauahtsr who knnat the plansi and
plana, one son who doesn't know anv.
hina and la also wntklng at bis trade,
one French nal'i fiom eweden. and one
air of bsuleur. standeur .tad evclusise.
nets. There's the voune woman triis
came tea tan and oen fre.kled. so ihat
Instead of being the faahlonable fumed
oak shade, she a mer.-la- birdsee matie.
There, hit soft apot youth In the whits
flsnnel ch'tl.es '"
'.jfl sp.,r wot d' e twean by th.tr
"You know when wtrt born. .11 of us
have aoft spots In eur heads." said Ihe
Hotel Clerk. "Well. In some Insian.-.a.
toe apol doesn t harden but rernalr.a
soft through life, and In aueh cases
they arrow tip and B to tiimmer hotels
wesrln. rlolhes Ih.l look aa If Ihey
had been wlehcd, oe or else ware worn
by request. The soft aooiiera are the
l.oa who laatmblt tltsanselvea In .
roup on tna hotel porch of an even
ing and sins "Good Mtnt. UJ.'t.' un
til It's almost time for lha ladles fe
be ssttma i.p for breakfast, and also
render -swing Nellie Home.' when In
realcy the m.ast appropriate air fr ihem
would be -tlliowirs Hsrrnld I p.'
"Hut Ihe w oeel tarlMnn pest Ihst I
went up against In ths course of
a vers- tariegated and bumpy espertence.
Is Ihe part) that a alsata breaking la
on people when the. 're- in li a i e
romfotublt. with brlll.anl Ideas about
doing thlnaa. Ills la l! bright mind
C at onreles of rharade. for a warm,
sticky tienlng Indoors, and organises
Ihe espedtllons leal lrsel for mile,
and ml'es across a atre'h of land
arape lhata mostly atsndlng on end.
for the purpose of teeing a very au
perlor brand of sunset tl.st sebestr
csrea . hang about one way or lha
other. Il a . rnl.M, onery community
lhai rant afford Its own sunset. sn.
"W. t-eae time. Tet Ihls stsrefsr-c-led
Id-el fits. wlt't lis bsleful
Stance and h)pnotltea jo into deaa-
Inc jeur poor. Ilrej rlll.MH feet
or so much perpendltaiar seoara
ph In orjer la see Just a plain, ordi
nary aunsel. Inst aomlng hack iii
wish ud spent patt of )our ou!1
lesrr:ne boar lo walk on our hands
Instead of frllletlr.. li e ime away on
other things. lie reachea Ihe Light
of hi. gtMua W he he ran work UP
one of chose raad. Ihril'.lna. Inlotiral.
ouiin.s known as a straw rids.
Ob. highly superior.
"For straw ride dsM It la custom
sry te (,'ek a nht when there's
no breeg atlrrlng The dust la usually
thick eooueb to skins onl of the sir
with a ladle and Ihe lhsrrtoneler Is
tip to sbo.it St: so l-ial m.mMi rsa
S'lersto his or h-r own pert rtt-on
and not hste to seed out iH Nm.,
s
Y.
; r
a '
- ' "k ''
"e . . V-V
..A
rsov. nntsMtsi. .in. kmiw tKtrriK limn u s.
m kr A T-r a.- a. a . .
- T .r-ir-fw,.,,!.., lm Hfj - .r aM,, grinder ,ut
! p. ac of t.ufio-si t TMr4
n.mie irio around ww-..t
ni I nton
1-on i, hi. nam, but t. f f .n i,ulris lura of
mifig. tM tttor. it.mn r o h d-t.m r , know iuft hfwr
-?rj. w trvrl ,n rouriM. of ywmr with f.m f..i tvo-tr. and la
lr t.lt auI ru-wrt iq tv1f.m1-r .a hi, ivu.or, rln.1r wt four.
i-n mor.(M AC-i. l to m torn Ka. iei tr-i-rlwxl- :tfc;
niilrt r m sfTtncs m,t1,nmt rln umwnting h arit.
w 1 X Mr Ol.i gp-! 111 he
frrr-frj A. Msf ftlt'e? kf,.r
rev
...... ......
! rtria) k e Hi
Irr'tn t.Mr-citni1ir.c .Swat-