il
THE SUNDAY OR EGOXIAN, PORTLAND, APRIL 23, 1909.
V
O- ft.
TO EDITOR OREGONIAN. who make deceptive eyewink of
wise owela when he speak about Hon. Tariff and pretend
he understand it; but he don't, because nobody ever did.
DEAR MR. SIR:
Arthur Klckahajama, missionary boy, make walk-in to my
room yesterday eve while me & Nogi was setting there by oiled
stove heating our hands in the herosene & attempting to look
nearly happy. Arthur do not need to look happy because he are
a Christian. He have a mourning mind, addicted to deceased
funerals. Henry James, death-rates & other publlck calamities.
Bo naturally he prefer to talk about Hon. Tariff rather than say
something cheerful.
' "Something must be did to Hon. Tariff to make him look
more fresh." say Arthur with expression of deep glum.
"Hon. Tariff do surely need a shave," are smart reply for Nogl.
"Are not them Statesmen who revise the Tariff working for
the interests of the People?" I require.
"Some of them is working for the people of the Interests,"
report Nogl.
"If Hon. Tariff are not repaired with immediate quickness
everything must become dire," corrode Arthur.. "Pittsburg will
rise up in bayonets. Idaho will be joined by Texas and this entire
kingdom will be plunged in state of uncivil war."
My soul Btand endwise for fear of this remark.
"Why do persons go to war?" request Nogi calmly.
"They go for sense of Duty," revoke Arthur Klckahajama
loftly.
. "There are more Duty than sense In Hon. Tariff," bounce-back
Nogl with Carnegie voice. ','Therefore, if Hon. America must
go to war about Tariff, I shall be somewheres else looking for
-a job."
"Yet Tariff are important and it have arrived," I say for
' Fenatnr Beverage expression. "There comes a time in the affairs
of nations when every great Question, no matter how dull, must
'ho settled. Are it not sweet & glorious to die for a shining
Cause " '
It. are sweet &. glorious to die for most shining Causes,"
rnsp Nogl, "but I draw the string at Hon. Tariff. It were sweet
glorious to go to war with Gen. Lincoln in Battle of Bully Run
tnd fight for Hon. Niggers who are a brite race & make convenient
waiters for hotels. It were sweet and glorious to go to Port
(Arthur & shoot away Borne Russians, because they are Tartars
and need to be scratched. But I am beswitched if I should go
to bang-up & bloodshed for any Tariff. I am suspicious about
that Tariff. It have a sly & deceptive nature. Who could be a
hero & get killed for a Cause what have got 4000 separate items
lj it subjeckt to a duty on a sliding scale?"
"Perhapsly you would get more fevered about Hon. Tariff
if you understood him more," snuggest Arthur.
"Who understands the Tariff?" bat-out Nogi. "Do you?
Did Hon. Nelson Dingley? Frequent answer is. No!! Then why
should Japanese patriot make tag-game with Death midst shoot,
chell, explode & rore of Jo-Uncle Cannon, storming forts & receiv
ing bullets to forehead for something I do not know nothing
about?"
.Many Marters has been boiled
Tariff," rebuke Arthur sadly.
"When Marters is being cooked it is their privilege to know
what they are Btewed for," are next from Nogl. "But supposing
I should become a Marter to Tariff, would I not get confused to
know which one of them 4000 items on a sliding scale I was
being warmed up to save? Or supposedly I should go to warfare
SY VfASHIMUftA 'TOCO ( WALLACE I RWIW1)
ARE HON. TARIFF TOO DRUNK TO REFORM?
for less causes than Hon.
for this and receive shot-bullet to lung. Maybe I might pass
off with pleasant smile & happy thought. I die supporting my
views on Item 1432-K. revised schedule, relating to customs
duties on German peaches pickled in French brandy. That would
be a noble thought to die with, because Peaches Is a delicate
subjeck and French Brandy is filled with inspirations. So I
should not refuse to die for Item 14 33-K. But supposlngly I
done all this heroism and Epitaph Man come along to write
something nice on my tombstone. Carnage of battle might be
so great he would get duzzled to know what one of them 4000
Items I was a Marter for. So he might look up Revised Tari.'f
Schedule & write on my grave-top,
" 'Here Lies Cousin Nogi.
4 Who fought Fearlessly
And Died Defending Item 3744-A (revised schedule).
Designed to proteckt American Hog Bristles.
. "When I am dead & gone & my Hon. Ghost are leading my
Hon. Ancestors and their relatives around to see my handsome
tomb-stone, would It not be disgusting suprise to know that I
got immortal by defending American hog bristles? I ask to
know! "
"Deep breathing for Arthur Kickahajama. .
"Hoeverly & at any rate,", consume Arthur, "Hon. -Tariff
must be reformed very soonly. For years he have been a promi
nent drunkard, too kind to some persons, less kind to others.
And when at last Hon. Carnegie come forthly & say, 'Reform
that Tariff! It are too bad, because Hon. Tariff, even In his
wildest debauch, have always treated Hon. Carnegie like a gen
tleman." "What great American have been appoint to lead Hon. Tariff
from jaggly path he now enjoys?" are soft queerv I make.
"Hon. Serene O'Pain, chairman of Committee on Mean Ways,
U. S. Congress, have got this high & disagreeable job," say Arthur.
"He will make a very nice Marter to Tariff & lead that famous
drunk from his present sotted path to who knows what?"
"One way of curing firm drunks Is to beat them quiet with
big clubs," say Nogl.
"That were Hon. Roosevelt's way to cure Tariff & it seemed
very manly and full of bumps. But it are not Serene O'Paln's
way. He are not that kind of a reformer. He believe a drunken
Tariff can be cured by kindness. He believe that punishment
do not reform. He believe that Hon. Tariff will never leal
better life if It are permitted to wander around streets in hall
starved condition. It should be treated with sympathy. ft
should he invited into Congress and made to feel that it aro
among friends. It should shake hands with Hon. Senators so
that it will know that it are protected. It should be took around
in a ottomobile to see Washington Monument & thus learn lesson
of how high a Tariff can go under favorable conditions. So
gradually it will begin to observe errors of its past & step-by-stepu
begin to lead higher life "
"It are not hard to lead Hon. Tariff higher," dib Nogi with
Bluejean V. Debs expression. "American statesmen has been
leading it steadily in that direction for last 50 years."
"Like all cronick drunks," resum Arthur, "Hon. Tariff are
always going to reform itself, yet never quite arrives there.
Byeech New Year he are persuaded to sign plej by Tariff Tem
perance. League. No more shall cursed Dingley liquor pass his
moustache. High thinking and low tariff for him. No more
Becret tipples from sugar-beets, cowhide, whale-bone, rough lum
ber, crude hemp, ad valoriums, soap & oil paintings. United
we stand, protected we fall. Up with the Repubjick, down with
Rates!"
"Do he Immejutly begin new life?" I ask-it.
"What-say- Hon Shakspeare, great bookmaker?" Arthur re
quire. "He-say, 'Rates crushed to earth shall rise again.' And
they do. Hon. Tariff begin New Year by feeling almost reformed.
By February he begin to enjoy a relapse. Melancholy for him.
By March he may be seen by Sneekret Service Agents shyly steal
ing Into rearwards entrance of Oustom-House Saloon. And there
he meet considerable colledge friends doing the same. Songs
followed by something more. Soonly Hon. Tariff feel very pro
tective, lose memory & go sleep standing up he are back among
the Boys."
"It would be great surprise to America if Hon. Serene O'Pain
axually did reform the Tariff," commute Cousin Nogl.
"It would be a great surprise to Hon. Serene O'Pain," are
brite answer for Japanese Schoolboy.
So Nogl & Arthur depart-off for soda-water drunk and leave
me Betting by bedsted for lonesome company to paint following
Poetickal Dream which I shall never see, thank you, It possible
to avoid it:
POETICKAL CONVERSATION WITH THE ANGEL OF FARM
ING ABOUT TARIFF.
One sweetish Summerly afternoon,
Near Village of Mahoosicka Falls, Oregon,
While taking health-walk
For lonesome company,
I seen something
Very sightly.
I seen a Angel
Perching up upon a fence-post
Picking a goldy-harp
With a corn-straw. i
And with Immediate quickness I reckognized It was
The Angel of Farming.
"Tell me to know,
0 Angel of Farming,"
1 say with song,
"What make sky so blue,
Zefir so sweet-blow.
Perfumery from fields, jr
Blbbling brook,
Salad-colored grass everywheres
& ajl Nature
Looking natural?"
Hon. Ruril Angel
Shake pin-feathers from wings
And reply-back,
"Hon. Tariff do it."
"Tell me to know, '
Angel of Aggie Culture,
Why are Nature looking upward so much
In vicinity of Mahoosicka Falls?
Why such" swelled punkins
Of exaggerated stummlcks? '
Why such huj apples
Notable for Ice-cream flavor & reddy complexions?
Why such cropply potatoes
By weight 6-pound eec.h
And most per aiker since 1876?
Why such musickal hens
. Singing 6weet lullaby
Full of eggstacy?
And cows flowing with milk & honey?
Why are cider so full of nice nips this year
, And why do Hon. Sheeps come forth to halr-at
Covered with such fine woolen goods?"
But Hon. Farming Angel fold Its wing acrost
barb-wire fence &. relapse,
"Hon. Tariff done that also."
"Tell me know, Hon. Gardeen of Country Life.
Why is Young Ladies
So habitually beautiful
In these parts surrounding here?
Why is Farming Youths
So fashionably dressed up?
Why is Rev. Preachers
Requesting such normous rates.
And why Is Wedding Bells
Continually peeling forth?
And moreoverly.
Why are such vasty numbers of baby-carts
Being ordered
To be filled with birth-rates
Which are happening momentarily
And even oftener
In your local village?
Hon. Angel wipe her harp on sleeve
And reply back,
"Hon. Tariff done itf
Then she sore away on lofty turkey-wings
In direction of Danville, 111.
Mr. Editor, the only human intelligence in this boarding
house who are sweet & friendly to Hon. Tariff are Bunklo Sa
guchl. Japanese vegetarian. He-say. "If Hon. Tariff wish to stay
up, are it not indecent for Statesmen and Patriots to try for to
drag It down? Are this right way to act for' civilized races?
No!! Stroggllng upward with all energy of shoe-nails are the
instinct what keep humanity from being entirely slopped. Why
should Hon. Taft prevent Hon. Tariff from making such sorins
attempt to lofty hight? If America should be like Tariff, con
tinually prevented from going upwards, It would be crushed
and without Ideellsm."
"What is Ideelism?
"Ideelism
roundings
Bunkio dizzily.
Hoping you are the same,
I ask to know.
are a yearning to be lifted from irn-.
It are a reverence for the Man Higher Up." explan
hi
DO
a-
OU'RH gettln' too fat." Bald the
House Detective critically. "You
oughter exercise."
"I am not getting fat," said the Hotel
Clerk of the St. Reckless, warmly, "and
, I positively refuse to exercise. No man
can properly be accused of being fat
: until he begins to abut eo far over the
toulldlng line that you can't see his
(foundations without stooping down and
yieerlng under. ThU goes double for a
'woman, because by judicious lacing she
in crowd the excess baggage up toward
fthe top and let It overflow like a char
lotte russe.
I don't know why a healthy man who
takes good care of himself and has noth
jlng on his mind except a few nice extra
'layers of tissue shouldn't be allowed to
uJump out a trifle and fill up the dimples
'In his frame without having somebody
lorever advising him to take exercise.
Stout people are the best behaved, any
how, especially In warm weather. You
never heard of a man with a double chin
leading a double life."
"Well, I notice that every time you
cross one of your laigs. you have to hold
it on to keep your stomach from shovln'
It off agin." said the candid House De
tective. "Wy . don't you try horseback
rlriln'?"
"Don't tempt me," said the Hotel
Clerk; "pray don't tempt me. Just when
a man reaches the size whore he tills a
hansom cah comfortably, if they leave
the door open, ho quits riding in one and
hires a horse. You can see them any
morning on the brittle-path agonized
male parties that go bobbing up and
down mile after mile, vainly imagining
that they're really riding Knglish srtyle.
which. I take it. was Invented by a nerv
ous man who hated the thought of stay
ing long in one place. And the rest of
the day the. victim is as stiff as a hat
rack and tore as a mashed thumb, lie
walks with a gait like a pair of callipers,
and every time ho passes a harness store
lie Involuntarily lllnches. Yet day by
day he'll go out and offer himself up as
a burnt e a or! (lee on the altar of a raw
Jond horse with a sharp spinal column
running down the middle of the altar.
We has a vain delusion that if he keeps
It up long enough It'll give him a figure
ax -willowy and sylph-like as a yard of
baby ribbon, and you can't make him be
lieve any different.
"I've got a friend that's been Indulging
In this form of punishment all Spring.
He's not merely pleasantly plump like I
am; he's what you might really call verg
ing on the stout. Yet he wouldn't admit
K for a long while. But policemen
would come up to him on the street and
tell him if he didn't disperse he'd "be ar
retted for forming a crowd and blocking
t raffle. And he'd overhear people who
were walking behind him wondering why
people don't wait until night to move
those bank vaults. So now I love to go
up to the drive of a morning and watch
him go bounding by on a profile map of a
horse, wearing that painful look wr.lch
you see on the face or a serious man
who learned dancing in twenty easy les
sons by mall, and who's waltzing with a
lady that he's Just been Introduced to and
tryli'K to think up something to say and
keep count of the waltz steps at the
same time. Every little while the horse
gets the cuo to vamp and does some buck
and wing dancing sideways, and then my
my
the
friend grabs his noble steed around the
neck and I can sje his pale lips moving In
silent prayer. He looks like a chunky
Santa Claus sitting astraddle of the dor
mer roof of a mouse-colored house, try
ing to look down the chimney to see if
the children are asleep yet. That's the
oue " for me sitting there all nice and
cosy on my little park bench, I gloat. You
Just ought to hear me gloat. I'm one of
our best little gloaters. Harry and you
can take It from me. Sometimes when
he slides down over the mansard and al
most loses his strangle hold on the flues
of Gray Gables, which is mv net nam
for his horse, you can hear me gloating
all over the place. Once or twice the
cops have threatened to arrest me if I
oaan t ao my gloating more under
breath. They said it was scaring
Biiuirreis out of the park."
"Well, ain't your friend taken off any
flesh?" asked the House Detective.
"No, but I think he's taken off con
siderable skin." said the Hotel Clerk
"I notice that he uses more care In sit
ting down than he used to. You don't
catch him hurling himself around in
a care-free, abandoned manner when
he's backing up for a landing. He re
minds me of a black and red hen that
we used to own when I was a boy. I
think she must have been a combina
tion or a black Wyandotte and an IriRh
setter, for she certainly was a great
one for families. The way she used to
settle herself on a batch of hopefully
Inclined eggs about three days before
the happy date was very much like the
way this friend of mine takes a seat,
since he turned equestrian. He's quit
calling on one of his friends who hasn't
any chairs In his parlor except those
hard-finished mission kind, without
cushions. He certainly is the Oster
moor Kid. And he seems somehow to
have lost most of the love he once had
for man's noblest dumb friend.
"Meanln' the hoss" said the House
Detective.
"Certainly," said the Hotel Clerk.
"When a horse gets scared at a scrap
of paper and runs eight miles across
country and lands in the front window
of an all-night drugstore, it seems to
me he's about the dad blarnedest, dumb
est friend we've got in the whole ani
mal kingdom, dumber than a caterpillar
and twice as dumb as a guinea pig. .But
this friend of mine sticks to It. because
he has an idea that he's reducing. He
alternates between the stable and the
bridle path, the arm chair with the
elder-down pillow In the seat, and the
scales where he weighs himself. The
only trouble with him seems to be that
riding gives him such an appetite that
he eats twice as much as he formerly
did, and he's putting on layers from
the Inside faster than he can wear 'em
off on a saddle from the outside.
"So I've decided, Larry. that the
horseback thing Is not for dearie me.
I can get all the violent exercise I want
riding a cross-town trolley line, about
the time everybody in New York Is
trying t6 go home on the same car.
Horseback riding Is all right for
mounted cops, Cossacks and ladles In
circuses. They're paid to do It. Other
wise, I bet you they'd walk. Irs all
right as a business, but, personally, I
wouldn't class It among the pleasures,
sports and pastimes."
(Copyright, 1909
Yours truly,
HASHIMURA TOGO,
hy P. F. Collier & Son.)
I
JAYS mi HOTEL CLERIC
WM
BY
IRVIN5.C0BB.
it. As long as the cook, the parlor maid
and the upstairs girl, by their united
strength, can couple her Into the last
pair of corsets she bought, she's perfectly
satisfied tliat she's not a mite heavier,
even If the strings are drawn tight
enough to play a guitar solo on and her
head has the appearance of just burst
ing through a feather tick. But the sad
day comes when they can't Jam her in.
even with the breathing suspended, and
then she realizes that she's fleshenlng up
a bit. Just a trifle, and she goes on very
strict diet, this way:
"She takes a Turkish bath for break
fast, a -hardtack cracker and a sip of
mineral water for lunch, and at dinner
she orders everything on the menu ex
cept the date line and the proprietor's
name, not because she wants that much
food, of course, hut to give her the
strength to go on with the treatment the
next day.
"Why can't people be satisfied with the
way nature Intended them to be? Thin
ones get thinner trying to get fat and
fat ones swell up trying to make them
selves thin."
"That's foolish talk." said the House
Detective. "Did you ever hear of any
body !n this country fhat was pufrectly
satlsfled with the way Nature made
him ?"
"One," said the Hotel Clerk, "but he's
not In this country at present, having
gone to Africa."
Taking the Hurdles With Teenie
Continued 1 Viun Page Four.
"How's your sportln'
"Maybe you're skeered of hosses," In
sinuated the House Detective.
"Not at all." 1 said the Hotel Clerk.
"When we're each in our proper sphere,
which is to say when both of us are'
on the ground, I'm afraid of no horse
alive. But when a horse begins to act up
like a Coney Island roller coaster and do
intricate schottlshe steps with all four of
his feet at once, there're just two places
in the world where I earnestly desire not
to be. One's on top of him and the
other's under him. Besides when I climb
up on what appeared from the earth to be
an average size horse. I'm apt to sud
denly discover that he's about 28 feet high
and constructed along the top on the gen
eral design of the Andes Mountains. And
I'm almost certain to get to thinking how
unpleasant it might be for all concerned
If he should suddenly forget about my
being located away up on the topmost
peaks of his mounta'n range and go away
suddenly and leav.i me up there, se
questered, eo to spiak. Constant brood
ing on this prevent me from giving my
full time and attention to graceful rid
ing. It have a feeling that I do not
make my best appearance astride the
combing of a spare-huilt horse with my
feet sticking out o'er the eaves and a
hunted look in my usually calm and re
flective eye. Also n?y customary flow of
bright and sparkltnj conversation seems
to desert me at such a time. So far as
the apt and ready retort Is concerned.
I'm left practically at the mercy of the
ribald chatter of the thoughtless populaoe.
What with trying bi anticipate the next
movement of my riount and hoping to
be there In time to meet him, and keep
ing my feet in the stirrups and holding
on to the reins, tl e horse's mane and
my hat simultaneously, my mind 1 so
YOU CAN SEE
THEM ANM MORNING
ON THE BRIDLE
path
fully occupied that the only English
words I can think of are "Whoa" and
"lOuch,' and they don't seem to fit
very well Into an exchange of roadside
repartee. I don't feel at home and I'm
blamed If I think the horse does.
"I don't think I'd ever learn to care
deeply for polo, that being a game In
which you encounter almost constant op
position from somebody on the other side,
and I fear there are a few minor de
fects about my bearing on horseback
that might militate against my being
selected as a model for equestrian monu
ments to any of our great generals. So
what's the use?
"If I ever really feel the need or bant
ing, I'll bant fhe same way a woman
does. That's a nice, comfortable, satis
fying way. It's hard to convince a wom
an that she's taking on flesh, but when
you do -convince her there's nothing to
Over
this up." siiya I.
blood holdin' out?'
"I I'm all right. Go on!" savs Ternie
She was bronthln' some hard bv thn"
but a long ways from being all in! so we
let out a few links for a spurt. Then I
see the white thing do another disap
pfnrm' act.
Ana: says I. "More bushes
we go row. one-t wo-tliree!"
As i jumper Teenie wouldn't break any
Barnard records: but for a middle-aged
old girl that wa'n't in track costume she
water ain't moren knee deep: but Teenie
has got some tangled up in her flight, and
made a sool trv for it. We didn't ex
actly clear the bushes, but we went saflin'
through the tops of 'em, and then Ker
flop! Ker-eplaah!
I'd gone over feet first, so I knows as
soon as my toes hit the mud that the
lands on her back, ker-souse. Course
sho swallows a mouthful or so before i
ran paw around and fish her out. That
and being soaked through so sudden sim
ply scares her Into a double and twisted
fit. She grabs me around the neck tight
and proceeds to let out the velr.
"Help! Holp! Help!" says she. splut
terin' and chokin' all the while, but
noise enough to rouse
whole county.
Ah. cut It out and climb down
girl!" says I. "I'm no life buov ."
Hel-lup! Hel-lup!" saya she. kickln'
lively with both feet and clawin' at the
back of my pajama Jacket like she was
furlin' a sail. "Oh. I'm dud-dud-drown-lng!"
"G'want" says I. "Tou're actln' as If
you was climbin' a greased pole. You're
all right. Ah. Quit the contortions until
I find out whore we are."
But ehe'd got started eallin' for help,
and there was no stoppln' her. And there
was me, up to my knees In chilly water,
not darln" to walk around for fear of
wadln" Into a hole, and not able to put
her down.
Say. I guess we'd been there yet If It
hadn't been for one of the ooachmen
wakin' up out at the stables. He throws
a switch, and about three dozen incan
desce. -its Is turned on. lightin' up the
gfpunds all around. As It happens there's
a light almost over us, and one glimpse
clears up the mystery about the bushes
and the fence. Seems the Willoughbys
has a private runnln' course where they
train their hunters. That's the track
we'd been followln'. and Just at that mln
vte we was In the middle of the only
water hurdle In the whole length. By
the time the reeculn' party locates us.
Tve climbed out and landed Teenie on
up the
old
top of the fence. "But the Major!"
says she. "Oh. where Is the Major?"
Then I looks up the course a ways and
sees what it is we've been followln' over
the hurdles an old white mule that's
bven pastured inside the Inclosure. He n
standin' thero lookin' at us, with on ar
lopped and a kind of humorous, satisfied
look on his face.
"Ah. grin, darn you!" says I. and Clem
entina takef one horrlfyin' glimpse and
tumbles off the fence, in a heap.
The coachman seems a little puzsled
and suspicious: but he's seen so manv
kinds of queer doln's at the Willoughbys
that he makes no remarks, but Ied us
around to a side door where we can get
In without trailln' mud through the front
hall.
As wo were passln the library wing w
comes to an open window on the ground
floor, with the shade up and bright
light inside. And there's a green-topped
table surrounded by five gents, sll payin'
strict attention to the game. Teenie rec
ognized one of 'cm in a flash.
"Why. Major!" she squeals.
"Kh?" says he. droppin' the cards and
Jumpin up from the table.
I reckon Teenie had kind of forgot the
figure she was cuttin' just then, draped
In a dressln' gown soaked through with
muddy water and escorted by a bare
rooted gent In wet trousers and a torn
pajama Jacket. But the Major aint raise
in' any cues. Guess he must have sus
pected how his sleep-walkln' fairy tain
has worked out. Anyway, when he meets
us in the hall he's ready with his little
speech.
"Clementina." says he. "I'm shocked
and surprised! Out at this hour of the
night: And in that costume!"
Oh. Major!" says Teenie. "(
looking for you. I thought too had "
Thit will do. Mrs. KLilroy." 8av he.
"I will hear the rest tomorrow morning.
And let us hope that you can. explain
satisfactorily, both to me and to Mrs
McCabe. Pray go to your room, mad
am!" and with that the Major, swallowln'
a chuckle, goes back and says he'll take
three cards.
As I lelt early Monday mornln', I didn't
see how It all come out: but when Sadie
arrives last night she reports that the
Major is still cracking the whip over
Clementina, and that she's as meek as a
lamb.
"But. of course," says Sadie, "he can t
keep It up very long."
"Can't, eh?' says I. 'Guesa you've
never seen the Mnjor bluff out an nponer
on a pair of treys! You watch h!mj"
ir