190S.
8
LnJ
mvm s. Cobb
THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAN. PORTLAND, NOVEMBER J 5,
sit km u j) mm
IflnK
! S'POSE now that the Govern
I merits got Its hand In. they'll be
A prosecutln' a whole lot more of
them big bankers wot brought on the
panic." raid the House DetectiTe of the
Bt. Reckless.
"Well. I'm not so sure about that,"
aid the Hotel Clerk. "It's been my Ob
serration that the party tn power always
works very hard for a record Just before
lection; after election not so much. If
at all. In the heat of the campaign
when everybody Is wblrlwlnding and
pell-blndlng. as the case may be. It's a
grand thing for the Administration at
Washington to be able to direct the voter
at large's attention to the pleasing speo
taele of a prominent banker starting up
state In charge of a deputy Marshal, with
a Tlew of getting a close hair cut and
a different suit of clothes, when he ar
rives where he's going at. Such a sight,
while more or less distressful to the close
friends and family of the eminent finan
cier taking the trip, ts calculated to af
ford entertainment and Joy to the party
working by the day who got stung for
Ills little J8.75 when the savings bank
tilew up last Fail with a low muffled
crash. Also It makes him prone to come
out from under his rock and vote the
tralKbt ticket.
"But now that It's all over and BUI
knows that he beat BUI. and BUI also
knows how blamed thoroughly Bill dl4
beat him. I have a strong suspicion that
for quite a spell you won't see any Fed
eral grand Juries leaping on any more of
the gentlemen who promoted the finan
cial festivalltles of this Fail a year ago."
"Wot starts 'em to huntln' bankers so
fierce sometimes and leavln' 'em alone
other times?" Inquired the House De
tective. "Different things." said the Hotel
Clerk. "Often a lot of the amphibious
financial giants of Wan street will get to
gether In one of their robbers' caves,
sometimes called a director's room, and
pass a set of solemn resolutions to the ef
fect that It's now about time to nominate
a burnt offering. There've been a lot
of trust companies and things going- up
In the air with hardly enough cash on
band to satisfy the receiver's private
wants, and the populace Is clamoring
for an Angora to chase. "I propose
that we formally elect our young friend
Moose from Maine to the responsible
position of being the goat,' says J.
rierp. Devilfish. Just as soon as John
D. Octopus has opened the proceedings
with prayer. "Moose Is too much like a
longshoreman In his style. He's so
noisy and boisterous In his work that
he's frightened away any number of
bank rolls that might be feeding out of
the hand of any one or all of us by
now.' 'Right you are,' says T. Fortune
Sandshark. This man Moose absolutely
refuses to put on gumshoes and confine
NOVEMBER Is ths month when the
football hero comes into his own,
and any young man who has been
favored by Fortune with a neck like a
bull can pile up a fairly decent collec
tion of unearned laurel wreaths and
second-hand homage by merely bump
ing his eye Into the door-knob to give
it the required coloring and tying a
bandage over his bulging brow and
loafing along the avenue In the vicinity
of some knowledge factory. This is the
only season of the year when a black
ye or a broken nose Is a mark of re
spect and a brand of honor, and ths
youth who falls down an elevator shaft
or gets Into an argument with a street
weeper can go Into a strange com
munity and own the town If he can
tang up a fairly decent bluff.
The irl who wouldn't be caught
walking down the street with her
brother If he happened to amputate a
mole with his safety rasor or peel a
section of epidermis off his frontis
piece while shaving at any other tlm
of the yesr. now gets so chesty that she
has to get a gore run up the front of
her waist If she can be seen on the
avenue with a football player who has
had his eye gouged out and his nose
moved over into bis left ear and his
lower Jaw telescoped Into the roof of
Us mouth.
Football has now become a National
Institution. This gentls method of
tramping education Into tho human
system with eleated shoes and raising
tumps of knowledge oa ths olasslo
' " " , . , , , n f I nonentM of colleire footbaU cannot deny I respect and admiration of employes so I
WAV
himself to legitimate second-story
Jobs. He wants to take a gas pipe
and go out in the publlo highway.
What's more he's breaking all known
rules of the game .by working both
sides of the street at once. It's making
talk among the class of people that
used to give up their lire's savings
without any unpleasant rows, move,
brow of the rising generation with fly-f-
.vi anH tlff-arm lolts la now
Included In the curriculum of all up-to-dats
American knowledge factories.
The advantage In the future business
man knowing how to wander across
the pit of an adversary's stomach and
plant a blue forget-me-not under his
eye with neatness and dispatch is now
becoming more fully recognised by our
leading Institutions of learning, and It
is now possible for any guy with a bull
neck, who can train down to 200 pounds
ring side, to matriculate In dissection
of tho human form and dig a collegs
degree from a mass of human frag
ments on the gridiron.
When our present-day American
youth has secured his college degree
and hustles out to stab the world in
the face. It Is no longer safe to mon
key with him. He may be shy a few
spinal vertebrae, and his ribs may be
Jammed through his diaphragm till they
extend Into, his vest pocket, where he
can use them " to hang his watch on.
but If he has given the proper atten
tion to bis studies under the football
coach he is still pretty much of a suc
cess when any rough-house tactics
come up In bis prlvsta office.
If the college student under the edu
cational system at present In vogue In
our leading American knowledge fac
tories doesn't waste too much time In
useless study and ties up to his fooV
tall coach, he will prove to the old
back number pterodactyl students and
fossil pedagogues and dead language
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.El BUSINESS-nAN'TO'KNCM'HOW. . lV7Vr 7&i JJ? JKUj Jf Y - - U ,
C-tsJM . J -I II IV W Jill Jf I I i - II I IV 7 I
n ' y i ) ) x 1M HI
1
therefore that we make Moose of
Maine, the chief goat and Pickles, of
Montana, the first deputy goat." Bo
then the nominations are closed and
the secretary casts the unanimous bal
lot of the lodge and the next thing
you hear from Moose and Pickles, a
Federal Judge with a soured disposi
tion he has to have a soured disposi
professors who' oppose .football that
this course of study Is a pronounced
success.
If. on leaving college, the graduate
under the profession of line bucking
should enter the field of Journalism and
become a great editor, he would rap
idly discourage the habit some people
have of coming n to llk the editor
and pull out their ad. It might muss
up the community some at first and
overcrowd the hospitals, but the popu
lation would soon-get used to the new
condition of affairs and the editor
would get to be the power In tho com
munity that he should be.
If the mercantile world was operated
by graduates of the football coach In
stead of graduates of professors of
lost languages It would make people
more honest In tho payment of their
debts and put lawyers out of business.
The oourts of law would become choked
with cobwebs and all disputes would
be settled by the doctor and the Cor
oner. If political legislation was placed in the
hands of all-American football stars It
would discourage lobbying. I would hate
to glide up to a Congressman who -had
graduated as left tackle and had become
honor man In his class by filling three
morgues and building an addition to the
cemetry and turning out the subjects for
a new Home for Cripples, and whisper
in his ear that certain proposed legisla
tion oug-ht to be killed and that his aid in
that direction would be worth five thou
sand bucks to me. I am afraid the lobby
In the halls of Congress would soon begin
" " av vam
Tiff V7A.S'320MNIN3 'THE'BaKKL
JSnd -TOKMEI5 OWNER, "WAS
JDOIN5 SWEEJ?iNa OUT.
tion or he wouldn't be a Federal Judge
Is asking em if they're guilty or not
guilty, and they say they're not guilty,
and he tells them In effect that they
needn't let that be worrying- 'em be
cause If they're not now they will be
before he gets through.
"Or else some prominent financier who
learned the principles of the banking
game from a study of life of the
int. .Timmv Hone falls Into the error of
writing a few confidential letters that
Innlr IIIta cxlniirifl-1im 'And H-f
ter the Standard Oil Company would
come arouna to nis private u n il ...
body to make a few suggestions concern
ing National Legislature, the Janitor
would sweep up a brown wig and a hand
ful of freckles and a few old oil cans,
which would be all that was left of the
Standard Oil Company to levy on for that
J29.O00.O00 fine.
How much more useful it is for a young
man starting out to stab the world In the
face to know how to make a flying leap
at a man's jugular vein and bury his
head In a sand pile while he sticks his
knee cap through his oesophagus and
musses up his liver, than it Is to be able
to talk in a forgotten gab that nobody
understands and be able to find the
square of a barrel of pork without the aid
of a pencil. And how much better it is
when some husky guy comes In to clean
out the office or your creditors get to
choking up the hallways and congesting
the avenues leading to your private of
fice so that legitimate customers can't
get In to see you, how much better and
more effective It Is then to be able to
grab them by the nape of the neck and
the left ankle and break their spinal col
umn over your knee pans and scatter
their remains down the elevator shaft,
than it is to have to resort to your lin
guistic ability and knowledge of square
root and long division. In a business
crisis of this sort how much good does it
do the college man to know the exact
distance to the moon? Much better It Is
for him to know the exact location of a
man's solar plexls and how to reach It
in the most expeditious manner. The op
the Government gets hold of. It's all
right for a literary man to write pri
vate letters because when he dies the
executors of ' the estate collect the said
letters, they being all the estate there is.
if he was a true literary man, and the
executor puts them up In the form of a
book that sells for $1.50 a copy. But If
he's a malefactor of great wealth they
don't watt until he's dead to spring his
letters on him. ' A district attorney
reads them aloud in court in a loud.
ponents of college footbaU cannot deny
that situations occur in business where
mere book learning is useless.
The college student who wastes the
golden opportunity of his youth In study
and hearkens not to the wise counsel of
the Professor of football Is apt to take
his little roll of sheepskin and go out to
tackle the great throbbing world of busi
ness only to find that It is already over
crowded, and he grows old and Infirm and
his teeth fall out while he is waiting for
an opening. Here is where the graduate
of the football coach has an advantage.
If there are no openings, when he goes
out scouting for a Job, he can hide in
some dark alley as the clerks are wan
dering home through the gloaming, and
with a few well directed line plunges he
can make a half dozen openings and
come around next morning and get a Job.
And the successful man, they say, is the
one who makes his own opportunities.
It is better for a youth to spend four
years in a knowledge factory playing
fullback on the college team and then be
able to make his own opportunities, than
it is to waste his time in studying the
history of the glacial period and then
have to go back to the- farm and play
whoaback on the home team.
A young man can be shy on book learn
ing, and If he has any Ingenuity he can
plug along fairly well in the busihess
world and keep the public from finding
it out But when a discharged Janitor
or teamster gets a good hold on his
windpipe and lays him over his roll-top
desk, he can't hide his deficiency In phys
ical training, with very much success.
There Is nothing that commands ths
I U L II W JO
jm- tike wm QSSSL
mocking tone of voice, and then asks I
the Jury to put him away for not less
than ten years. If I was a rich man,
Iiarry, whioh Heaven forbid, I'd conduct
all my personal correspondence on a
slate and always send a messenger boy
along with a wet sponge.
"There's something about this science
of high finance that fascinates me. What
Is the gift that enables a promoter to
sell something belonging to somebody
else to somebody who doesn't want It?
What is the science by which he divides
a pretsel with you In such a manner as
to keep the outside rim of the pretsel
for himself and give you the uncooked
or Inner part, where the hole Is, and
still leave you perfectly satisfied? I
couldn't take a basket of ripe Peach
Melbas around and trade 'em for green
haselnuts, but a true financier can start
out in the morning with a capital con
sisting of one Siberian crab apple and re
turn at eventide driving home a large
herd of Georgia watermelons ahead of
him. In time I might be able with propr
er training, to learn haw to rob Peter
and pay Paul, but I don't think I could
ever' learn how to present It to Paul
with one hand and take It away from
him with the other, and then colleot In
terest from him for the length of time
he had it which Is the true science of
Inside financiering.
"I never knew but one great financier,
t -TO- were raised together In the
same town. . From the cradle he showed
marked signs of a financiering turn 01
mind. As an Infant he could swallow
.u .lYtnu without Injury to himself.
The only time ho suffered was when they
made him give 'em up. At school ne ex
celled In arlfhmetio. He dldn t play mar
bles, but he always had more marbles
than any of the other boys. At the age
of U ho was pulled through a serious ill
ness by allowing him to look at money.
It was reliably . reported that he oould
hold a ten-dollar bill clenched in his boy
ish fist and take on flesh. Bo Just as
soon as be began to train his adolescent
pin feathers to grow out in a side-whlsker
effect and began to wear white pique
vests everybody knew he was designed,
both by art and nature, for the financier
ing profession.
"As a young man he was not what you
-would call a free spender. Any time he
let go of any currency a cold and clammy
hand seemed to clutch his heart at the
roots and turn off the Juice. He didn't
drink or smoke, and, so far as the rest
of us could tell, the only reason he ever
Mmnt anA nrimirntinn of emDloves SO
much as a boss who can go down Into the
shipping room ana scarier me remains ui
a gang of striking teamsters up and down
the back alley. And while the molly
coddle graduate of the dead language
professor is wasting time and much
money in litigation through the courts,
the graduate of the professor of football
can save this time and money by seizing
a pick handle and going out and doing
his own litigation In a more expeditious
manner and much more effectively.
During my school days I remember I
put In one whole Winter learning how to
find the hypothenuse of a triangle. To
thla day I have never had occasion to
use that knowledge, as I have never had
to find the hypothenuse of a triangle
since. But on several occasions situa
tions have occurred where I could have
used a knowledge of the left shift and
right uppercut to advantage If I had only
spent that Winter learning those secrets
Instead of fooling away my time monkey
ing with that old hypothenuse.
What sensible objection can the oppo
nents of college football have to that
branch of education? Why, I ask,
shouldn't a student put In his college
days acquiring knowledge that will be of
some use to him when he goes out to
stab the cruel world In the face, Instead
of learning to answer a lot of questions
that nobody ever asks him? How in the
world can a lawyer or a doctor or an
editor crack the skull of an obnoxious
visitor with cube root or long division?
What we want in this world is more
knowledge of a practical nature, the
kind that counts. We want our young
visited the village souse conservatories
was in the hope of some day .finding a
cafe that had a gents' furnishing goods
department In connection, so, when you
asked him to have something, he oould
take a linen collar if you took a plain
drink or a nice pair of thlrty-frve-cont
suspenders If you went In for on of
the fancy mixtures. We called him
Henry III Wind, because he never blow
anybody good.
"So when he got a Job here and cam
East, the first thing we heard from him
he was sweeping out a bank, and the next
.ttme we heard he was running the bank
and' the former owner was doing the
sweeping out. He Just naturally lad to
have a bank In order to conduot financier
ing on a large scale. A bank is Just as
necessary to a prominent financier these
days as a James K. Jimmy Is to a sal
burglar. It's the thing he gets tn With.
"The last word I had of my old boy
hood chum he was rated at $20,000,000.
and had strong hopes of entering society
sometime when society wasnt looking.
His principal pleasures, outside of busi
ness hours, were hiding In the umbrella
closet from process-servers for Federal
grand Juries, and Importing titled sons-in-law
for his daughters and old masters
that looked like they'd been cured In
a smokehouse, for himself. The papers
say he never quits working. For that
matter, neither does a barrel of kraut
when it begins to spoil in tho Spring
of the year, and putting together what
I knew of him and what I've heard about
kraut, I guess the operations are very
similar." x
"The papers say that this last big
banker that got sloughed up. stsrted life
as a candy butch on a railroad," said
the House Detective.
"Well," said the Hotel Clerk. Tn seen
a lot of candy butches that I thought
ought to develop Into Wall-Street wls
ards with the proper chance. Their little
way of selling a pair of real gold spec
tacles that'll begin to turn green before
the train reaches the next station, to an
elderly widow lady traveling alono.
proves that they'd fit Just right In down
in Death Valley. The evidence In ths
last trial showed that our friend must
have been a dandy train butcher In his
day."
"And yet he made Just one slip and
they nailed him," said the House Detec
tive. "One slip Is enough,' said the Hotel
Clerk. "Jesse James never climbed up
on but one chair to fix a picture, and
Just look what happened to mm.
men to come out of college well equipped
to hold down the high positions once oc
cupied by Professor Jeffries and Tom
Sharkey, and we are looking for ambi
tious young men who won't have to take
any time eft" when they fall down the
elevator shaft, but who can hold the ends
of their busted ribs together while the
janitor fixes them up with a little fish
glue and old twine, and thsn go ahead
and attend to their duties. Those are the
kind of men we want, and they don't
learn these things from reading Julius
Caesar.
Anyway, what Is the use of a young
man becoming so brilliant that others
have to wear smoked glasses when they
come into his presence if he can't get a
chance to work at it? Why not put in
his time learning something that he can
get a job at? There are lots of oppor
tunities for young men skilled in the
art of tying the human form in a knot
and telescoping the backbone Into the
medulla oblongata. He can go out most
any evening after office hours and pick
up some easy money making soft spots
on skulls and tangling up the anatomy
of late pedestrians. ,
Yes, siree, a football education Is of In
calculable value. The graduate of the
dead language professor may make the
all-Amerlcan football star look like a
plugged nickel at the weekly meeting of
the debating society, but just let our- all
American star catch him in the alley
after it Is over and you can gamble that
he'll never do it again. Let a man fill
his office with ell-American clerks, and
he can rob the community and defy b
authorities and the state militia.
. '