THE STJyD AY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND, OCTOBER 11, 1903.
Hiippf
ME
BY"
c
WIN 5.C0BB
( 't LIKE the bwt In the world to
I go down on Long bland for the
VanderbUt cup race." said the
Hotel Clerk of the St. Reckless.
"Will tt be much of a show?" asked,
the House Detective.
"It a aura to be." aaid tba Hotel Clerk.
'I don't know of any race to equal It
and we've bad aorae rather fair ones In
bygone days. Just look 'm over. How
we carried the Newt From Ghent to Alx;
any standard sixth reader. How Sal
vador Won; a universal favorite with
young lady eloeutors. The Race from
Bull Run to Washington, an easy win for
the Union force.. The Alton B. Parker
Race. The 8cheoectady-to-Troy Walking
Rar. an endurance contest for actors.
Jlnw Kissing Cup Won the Derby: a
race that was to the King's taste. The
I.ltt!e Johnny Hayes, formerly called the
.Marathon, a race that was not to the
King's taste unl'ss you're meaning one
of the Kings of Ireland. And many
others. Oh. there's plenty of great race
tt you're a mind to look through the
anna Li of history for them. Larry, but
this VanderbUt Cup Race haa got the
rest chained to a stationary washstand.
according to my way of thinking. Look
what It does every year for the cause
of true sport. And look what It does for
the Coroner's office.
"The preliminary heat la a pretty six
able event In Itself. They nearly always
have one or more attractive casualties
through the Inability of some Impetuous
contestant to mow down the telephone
pole at Horseshoe Bend or Coffin-Trimmer's
Curve without doing things to his
own spine and shoulder blades, or losing
a leg; from which, therefore, we derive
the name, elimination trial. It does very
well for a starter but 'tia the cup race
proper that really brings the glow of
pleasurable anticipation to the rugged
cheek of every licensed sexton In Nassau
County."
"Pid you ever see one of "em run off r
jked the House Detective.
"Tes. three seasons back," said the
Hotel Clerk. "But It foil short of prov
ing the unqualified success that the
others of the same series have always
been. There was nobody killed, not even
one of the hired hands working by the
day. We came away feeling rather dis
appointed, considering what we'd been
led to expect '
"Didn't I see In the papers here lately
where Willie K. VanderbUt said he wux
gnln' to kirk out of the racin" gamer"
satd the House Detective.
"Why Willie K.?" asked the Hotel
Clerk. "Why. simply because he haa
money, should we treat a simple Van
derbUt with more formality than we
do our candidates for President? Call
Mm Rill. Since vou mention It, I believe
Hill K. VanderbUt did say something
about nulttlrjr the racing after this year,
but only I presume so far as the pub
lic highways are concerned. I under
stand he's going to popularize some less
cx-itlnsr form of diversion such as shoot
ing oil wells with nltro glycerine or div
ing for warle In the Indian Ocean. I
don't bUme him either. Like- so many
FT JIM NA51UM.
ppAKE It from me." said the Old
I Sport, as he laid down the
paper. "thla wave of re
form that is breakin' out all over
the country like prickly heat under
a flannel undershirt Is goln to give
your I'ncle Sam a severe headache If
somebody don't soon put a crimp in it.
"Well. I don't know." replied the
sporting editor. "I guess there's a thun
dering lot of things splattered around
I'ncle Sam's back yard that need re
forming. Dad."
"Tes. that's all right." replied the
Old Sport, "but them ain't the things
that's beln" reformed. If It was. you'd
see a different bunch of guys dotn' the
reforming. Now. I aln"t knockin" against
l-.onest reform, but this stunt of a bunch
of political scavengers breaking their
teeth on soup and then biting a chunk
out of a cobblestone is what gets my
goat. And when It comes right down
to cases, that's Just what a thundering
kt of these reforms amount to. These
Ituys on I'ncle Sam's Rules Committee
are the original kids at straining at a
frnat and swallowing a camel, as long
as the rakeoff on camel flesh holds
out."
What particular reform has started
you going now. Dad?"
"All of them," replied the Old Sport.
"It seems that every dub who gets It
Into his knot to set up In the reformin"
business tackles the Job by sticking a
bunch of leeches onto Uncle Sam's
sporting blood. And if this thing keeps
up you can take It from me that these
political leeches will some day drain
the last drop of sporting blood out of
your Uncle's veins, and then this little
old dump of a country will hit a slump
that will soon have the Stars and
Stripes looking like a dtshrag and the
American eagle moulting with the
mange.
"Take mv tip. sporting blood is a
mltrhty good friend to have running
thronsrh a man's veins. And when a
lot of long-faced reformers, who have
w run out of things to reform, allow
themselves to be pulled into a. stnnt
by a bunch of brigands who see a
chance for a holdup, and they get to
gether and hit some branch of sports a
. craek on the knot, take It from me
they're helping to put Cncle Sam in
the hospital.
"Our forefathers, who carved this
little dump of a country out of the
wilderness and kicked the redskin out
of the back yard, who wrote the Dec
laration of Independence and made the
Stars and Stripes sometr.insj more than
a rag flapping Sn rte breeie, put in
their spare time when they wanted a
rest from building a nation by betting
their buttons on the ponies on the vil
lage green, and bare knuckle fights
for the championship of the province
were a duly stunt. George Washing
ton owned fast horses and wasn't too
good to put a bet down on his own
rats, either. Hut I'll gamble that the
guv who would have been caught cor
nering the wheat market In those days
when I'ncle Sam was a kid would have
been kicked Into the primeval under
brush. Now. in this mollycoddle age they
try to shove It Into us that John Smith
Is a criminal for betting on a horse
rare ovor in Brooklyn and Sam Jones
Is a criminal for opening a Jack pot
up In Harlem, while Reggy Van Der
liuysen is a clever financier for betttng
on Amalgamated Copper down In Wail
treet. If this is Justice, they've got
to show me. When It comes right down
to cases the guy who Decks Ols judg
ment on a horse Isn't a blamed sight
worse than tho guy who backs his
Judgment on the stock exchange, and
no amount of legislation is gain' to
others of our exclusive speed set he haa
discovered through bitter experience,
alas, that traversing the city street or
country road at even the moderate gait
of say R to M miles an hour Is fre
quently fraught with annoying mishaps
and delay. He's had a set of eighty-dollar
tires practically ruined through running
over a Connecticut peasant that was
carrying home a roll of barbed wire.
Barney Oldfield suffered a distressing
dent In his front dashboard from a grind
atone which some evilly-inclined wight
had deliberately loaded Into the back of
his farm wagon, well knowing how dis
astrous the results might be to the first
racing machine that undertook to pass on
through from the rear. And E. R.
Thomas Is even now In a hospital be
cause of the criminal carelessness of
some law Jersey vandal who would
persist In having metal mountings on his
family carriage. So. until the besotted
authorities awake to the necessity of
enacting legislation that will prohibit
persona of the lower orders from ven
turing on- the public thoroughfares with
hard, blunt articles or edged tools on
their persona. Bill K. Is going to cut
out those little Informal dashes along- the
turnpike and through the narrow country
lane. But hie Interest In the great sport
ing event which bears his name is In no
wise abated.
" "Tls a glorloua sight there among the
fertile kraut fields and boiled dinner pas
tures of Long Island. Larry, when they re
assembling for the start of this classic
event of the year. At the wayside the
sumac has lit its crimson candles and
the golden rod gleams richly In the fence
corner. The pennon foliage floats to
earth leaving the white limbs of the syc
amore naked and bare, regardless of any
feelings which Anthony1 Comstock may
have on the subject. The dawn. In rus
set mantle clad, breaks In the East, tell
ing us that somewhere In this broad
land of ours tt Is time for the condemned
man to arise early and eat a hearty
breakfast. The tang of a Fall morning
sweetens the air and lo, the sun shoots
forth Us first red spear, to fall athwart
the brow of the fallow meadow land,
crowned with Its diadem of billboards re
ferring to Trlmblln" Whisky and Squose
ln Corsets.
"From every direction along the rlboon
llke highroads that gridiron the Autumnal
landscape, all speeding toward the com
mon trystlng place, come the panting
cars, all full to overflowing with persons,
many of whom are In the same fix. At
the grandstnnd. with Its clustering
throngs, a brilliant scene Is presented.
Hundreds of the most prominent people
In society are gathered there, some with
their present wives or husbands, and
others without them. Here we And one
of our most-married matrons, discussing
with a comparative novice who's only
faced the officiating clergyman a paltry
two or three times, whether Reno has
anything on Sioux City as a place of tem
porary residence fpr six months every
other year.
There we see a fashionable party seek
ing to fortify their systems against the
rigors of such an early rising with simple
IN-THE STRETCH." j jflfl I H-P
change their batting average on the
Recording Angel's score book either.
If consistency Is a Jewel, as some
wise guy has said, it seems to roe that
there are a thundering lot of guys In
politics who don't care much for Jew
elry. And when It comes right down
to cases on this bettln' question. I've
got a good-slxed hunch that the guy
who bets on a horse race stands Just
as good a chance to cop a season pass
to the Pearly Gates as the reformer
who reforms at so much per reform.
"It's all well enough to talk about
progress and hand out the bull con
about the world gettln" better than it
used to be: you can't shove it into me
that all these reforms owe their origin
to that fact. When the state of Ken
tucky goes against race horses and
booxe tt gives roe a good-slxed hunch
that there Is a blamed sight more back
of a thunderln" lot of these reforms
than a daflre on the part of the people
to be good. Why. the first thing that
butts into your mind when you hear
the name of Kentucky is booze and
fast horses, and the kids down there
have always been weaned on nose paint
and taught flgurln" by chalkin" up
odds on the blackboard. Take It from
me. that bunch down there have
knocked out the props of their growln
community, and without booxe an race
horses Kentucky "II soon be marked on
the map with an asterisk.
"Yes. airland iake my tip. Uncle Sam's
lunches of cold game pates, eked out by
sips from bottles containing the four-dol-lar-a-quart
brand of souseparilla soda
pop. Merry laughter rises In a silvery
chorus as some society favorite or favor
ltess chugs up with sprightly accounts to
tell of having spread a fat market woman
all over the Jericho turnpike. 'Tls a
scene to delight the heart of every true
lover of outdoor sport.
"But this panorama, inspiring though It
may be. Is as nothing. Larry, to what
happens when the signal Is given and the
throbbing monsters start, one . by one,
upon their death-defying, speed-devour
IN WHICH HE HANDS OUT A LITTLE TALK
hat tin" average will shrink up worse than
the woolen shirts in the soap ads if they
don't soon put a check rein on this legis
lation against the sporting spirit. They
can't throw the bull con Into me that the
world is a blamed bit better now than It
was in the good old days when the local
heavyweight champion could crawl out
of his mill clothes and go out Into the
cow pasture and splatter a few adversa
ries around over the scenery before sup
per, and nobody else considered It any of
his business if a guy wanted to plunk
down his bank roll on a skate at the
County Fair. Now they've got the box
ing game down to what they call a scien
tific basis, and we've got to stand for a
couple of dubs play-In" pussy-wants-a-cor-ner
for six rounds with pillows on their
hooks, so they can't muss each other up.
That was bad enough, but when a bunch
of mollycoddles with faces ling enough to
lick the bottom of an Ice cream freezer
get up on. their hind less and hand us
the spiel that football Is too rough and
we've got to draw the line at checkers
and Copenhagen, and that It Is criminal to
put down a bet on the ponies, and when
a fellow can't even lug a bottle of bitters
on h hip In some parts of this land of
freedom without getting his mug in the
Rogue's Gallery, then I get a good
strong hunch that the American Eagle la
moulting and the Goddess of Liberty has
jcone off duty and laid down on the sofa
in the back parlor to take a nap.
"And when they tell me that I -can't
go down to the track and put down a bet
ing dash around and around and thence,
perhaps. In a southerly direction througn
the massed spectators at Casket Handle
Turn, across the plowed fields for 100
yards or so, under the Jersey bull, over
the lowing klna and into the side of the
distant barn as far as the center hay
mow. "For, mind you, Larry, the most excit
ing details are frequently not visible to
on the skate that I like, but that I can
go Into Wall street and bet my head off
on the stock that looks good to me If I
want to, then I get a hunch that some
wise guy has pumped an opiate Into the
Goddess of Liberty.
"There's nothing to It, when a sport le
prohibited from backing his Judgment on
a horse and the financier and the specu
lator is permitted to go right ahead and
bet his shirt on the stocks that look good
to him it ceases to be reform and be
comes unjust discrimination. And when
they hand out this slush about playln the
races makln' criminate and suicides out of
the guys who pinch the dough to put
down a bet when they get a hunch on the
ponies, take It from me that Hades gets a
blamed sight bigger importation of souls
from Wall street than from all the pool
rooms and race tracks that have ever
been Invented.
"Anyways, when it comes right down
to cases on this gambling question,
what is our whole blamed existence but
a gamble? Haven't I got as good a
right to bet that my three aces beats
the little pair that I have a hunch
you're holding as the guy who runs
that dump store across the street has
to bet the wholesaler that he knows
what the public wants? And haven't I
got as rood a right to risk my money
on my judgment at plckin a horse as
yon have to risk your happiness and
your life on your Judgment in pickin'
a wife? You bet your boots I have.
And what's more, playln" the ponies or
'
nrxRE MA CAUSE V
the elect In the gsfcndstand boxes.
Grouped about the sudden curves, which
add spice and variety to the course, the
populace at large witnesses not one fin
ish, but many. At any Juncture a skid
ding tire may cause some dare-devil
driver to make a short detour through
the assembled multitude, only to whisk
back upon the high road, with eyes still
glued to the front, and resume his mad
ON REFORM IN SPORTS.
slttin' in a poker game Is a more even
proposition, because the guy who backs
a horse or bets on a poker hand knows
the chance he is taking, but you can't
tell when you buy a pound of prunes
or pick a wife.
"No, sir, you don't see any of these
reformers tryln' lo legislate the mar
riage lottery off the boards', and let
me tell you right here, that there is a
gamble that has playln' the ponies
chased clear under the table for uncer
tain chances. You don't get any odds
even, when it's a hundred to one shot
that you'll lose, and every skate is a
favorite. Then there is some chance to
dope out what a horse will do from Its
pedigree and last performances, but
you can never tell what a woman will
do after you get your bet down. She
may warm up like a world beater and
have everything on the track smoth
ered to a whisper till all bets are in
and the books closed, but when she
goes to the pole she is mighty apt to
balk and show a surprisin' reversal of
form, then it's too late to hedge, and
you've got to hunt up an affinity.
"But without kiddin". Sport, a little
honest gamblin' Is a mighty good train
In' for a kid. The kid who has been
raised to take a chance on a long shot
that looks good to him Is goin" to have
something on the guy who is sitting
around waiting for a sure thing to turn
up when he goes out to buck the busi
ness world. Take it from me, the kid
with a gamblin spirit who can look
dened whirl against time. , while with his
free hand he removes from his brow
traces of an innocent though undeniably
mussy bvstander. Thus It happens that
the fashionable along the home stretch
mav have to content themselves with de
ciding who they'll marry next time, and
watching each racing machine as it
swings by. looking something like a fren
zied tailor's goose and something like a
four aces In the mug without dancln' a
hornpipe has copped one 01 tne essen
tial lessons of success. Yes, sir, the
whole blamed world of business is a
ramble, a system of taking chances,
and the kid who cuts the most ice when
he goes out to stab the world In the
face is the one with the gambling
spirit.
"And yet a bunch of dough heads,
who don't seem to be hep to the fact
that there is something more than the
Runaways Became Famous
Continued
found one who accepted his services,
and was happy.
Wounded in battle and stowed away for
repairs in a Philadelphia hospital, this
runaway soldier lad was taught to read
and write by a Sister of Charity. The
war over he went West, became a Gov
ernment scout, was Crook's chief of
scouts in his campaign of "76 against Sit
ting Bull, took a prominent part as scout
In various campaigns against the Apaches
and stayed with the army until '86. His
fighting experiences, which came of his
running away, gave him the material, and
his education, which also resulted from
his taking French leave of his home, gave
him the implements with which he has
gained the sobriquet of "the poet scout"
since retiring from the army.
Joaquin Miller, the "poet of the Sier
ras," and, in his day, also a scout, was 13
when he ran away from his home in
Northern Oregon to the sopthern portion
of the state, where, he had been told,
gold was to be picked up almost any
where. When he reached the. gold coun
try he fell in with a Heidelberg educated
scamp known as "Montana Joe," became
the latter's companion and servant, and
In his company dug gold and fought the
few boys ever ran away in order
to better their country. This, however,
was the object that led the now famous
Marquis Ito, one of Japan's elder states
men, and the famous Count Inouye to run
away from Japan.
Ito was a pretty old "boy" when he
sneaked out of Japan in company with
Inouye. He was 25. but as far as knowing
anything about civilization proper he was
more of a baby than Is the average run
away of the tender age of 8 or 10 years.
For. let It be recalled, Japan, when Ito
and Inouye skipped out. was living unto
itself In contentment; In- fact, it was be
cause they feared being detained at home
by the government that Ito and Inouye
secretly rowed out to a ship bound for
England, asked to be taken aboard as
passengers, were misunderstood, and had
to work their way half across the globe
as common sailors. They had other expe
riences in London of the nature that fre
quently befall the average runaway: but
despite hunger and other privations they
kept their eyes and ears open and when
they returned to Japan were able to point
out clearly that their country would not
be a great power until it had put away
childish, things and taken up with West
ern ways. The regeneration of Japan
dates in large part form this runaway ex
pedition of the Marquis Ito and the Count
Inouye.
There recently died an old-time theat
rical czar who began his career of enter
taining the masses by running away with
a traveling clrcua when he was 8. This
was Tony Pastor, and more than one
actor of today could tell you that In his
earlier days It was the dream of his life
to appear before Tony Pastor, and, if pos
sible, to secure an engagement from him
metallic casket in the act of spontane
ously combusting. When one of the really
enjoyable tragedies of the day occurs, the
grandstand audience probably receives the
edifying details only at second hand. By
the time they can reach the spot the sou
venir hunters have carried away every
thing that the Coroner Isn't sitting on.
and It's rare that one is able to pick up
even a knee-cap or a pivot tooth for the
curio cabinet."
"Wot's the good of It alir Inquired the
House Detective.
"I've been trying to tell you what a
triumph it Is for a splendid sport." said
the Hotel Clerk. "And besides, look at
the help It is- to a growing American
Industry."
"Did an American oar win the time rou
seen It?" persisted the House Detective.
"No." said the Hotel Clerk. "But one
started. I distinctly remember the In
cident. Cheers from thousands of
patriotic throats, or any way cheers
from seven or eight throats, rent the air
as the American entry' w-as carefully lift
ed out of the temporary receiving hos
pital where they'd been making It fit
to capture the magnificent trophy. Away
It went, and it was evident that, with
the exception of a slight list to star
board and a touch of asthma in Us
breathing, all was well with the car
carrving the hopes and the ambitions
of this Nation. But at 8:80 A. M.. SO
minutes after the race started, smoke
was seen Issuing from a dark mans at
the side of the road by OfTlcer O'Shau
nessy. as he patrolled his beat In the
Second Ward of Mineola. At first glance
the officer was lead to believe that he
had discovered an outrage committed
by the Black Hand. From that dis
tance it looked to him as if some mis
creant had set Are to n abandoned
tin-peddler's wagon after stealing the
horse. Approaching nearer he seemed
to detect a slight motion In the smoul
dering ruin, but whether forward or
backward he was unable to say until
he drew still nearer, when ho observed
that in answer to the blows which
were being dealt upon its vitals by
two excited Individuals, attired re
spectively in the garb of a driver and
a mechanician, the object was making
progress at the rate of from three to
five inches per minute. It then dawned
upon him that the apparition must be
the American car upon its first lap.
It was In fact the American car en
gaged in sitting upon Its own lap. .
"The race as I recall. Larry, was
won by a French chaufTeur sitting in
a German car with a Swede assistant
beside him."
"Where did the United Stales come
In?" asked the House Detective.
"The 1'nlted States." satd the Hotel
Clerk, "furnished the soil for the track
and the list of Injured."
mere value of money coming to you
the Bkate von have your
pile down on nosing out the favorite
in tho stretch, get on the reforming
Job and try to legislate the sporting
spirit out of the hands of posterity.
We're certainly due to hit a National
slump, old man, and all I'm thankful
for Is the fact that I have lived in a
sporting age and will have climbed the
Golden Stairs before the mollycoddle
age gets In full swing."
From Page 4.
so great, at one time, was the old
clown's power In the theatrical world of
the country.
(Copyright, 1908. by the Associated Liter
ary Press.)
Vanity and Pestilence.
Leslie's Weekly.
. An argument lately advanced against
the wearing by women of the plumage
of certain birds makes a strong appeal to
philanthropic feeling. The marabou
storks of India are that country's most
industrious and useful scavengers. The
good work In street cleaning done by
these birds is to a large degree preserva
tive of the health of the people in the
cities of India. Conditions in those towns
are notoriously unsanitary, and under
present circumstances it Is necessary that
the marabous be allowed to increase,
rather than be diminished in number.
The popularity-of the feathers for the
making of boas for women has caused
havoc among the marabous. During the
past two Winters vast numbers of the
birds have been killed for the sake of
their plumage, so that the species has
been threatened with extermination.
Should this actually happen, the death
rate from fever in Summer In India
would mount with great rapidity.
The Footsore Man.
Chicago Evening Post.
In days that we know as historic.
Men tried to get onward with speed;
Bvr.antlan and Persian and Doric
They once In a while had a steed
But this Is a statement quite truthful.
On life's mighty blackboard 'tis chalked:
Since when all creation was youthful
Some of us have walked.
The chariots rolled through the highways
When Caesar was setting the style.
But trudging through alleys and byways
gome of us found each block a mile,
Wa envied the rich and tne mignu.
We gaped and we glared and we gawked.
Though others wore foolish and flight-.
Some of us have walked.
When railways were built. It was stated -
We d never more wear out our slioeit,
But Just the same paths were located
For us, the unlucky, to use;
With fate It Is useless to medille,
For always and ever we re balked
Upon our extremities pedal
Soros of us have walked.
The automobile makes us scurry
To give It the whole boulevard
And If It Is In a big hurry
We Jump Into somebody yard.
What though they become second-Banded
And then for a trifle are hawked?
By fate or by fortune commanded.
Some of us have walked.
The airships full soon will be flying
With people aw happy as kings.
But we on the ground will be trying
To dodge monkey-wrenches and things.
The lucky will cleave the empyrean
With whistle and toot and with squawk
But a in th ages Assyrian
6ome of us must walk. . .
Oh how of the coming hereafter?
Will so& of us slowly trudge by
And frown at the rollicking laughter-
Of them that are able to fly?
I shudder and gloomily mntter
The words that my fancy will balk;
Will some of th! folk gayly flutter
While some of us walk?