. THE SUXDVT OKEGOXIAX. PORTLAXP. OCTOBER 4., 190S. 9
F
I
krf hm il 1 I I 1 -V I I ft L- I I - ,
"I
WISH I knew some place to get m
dinner.", said the Hotel Clerk of
the St. Reekie?.
"Wot talk have you?" answered the
lloux Detective. 'Til bet there' more n
lflrt dlflferent kinds of places to eat in
here In New York, not countin' thia
here hotel.'
TVronj again." said tlie Hotel Clerk.
"There're only three kind when yon
come right down to cases. The poor
devil who pick his living off a printed
price tariff In this town hasn't got much
more choice than he'd have In Paducah
Junction, where he wouldn't have any
choice at all.
"To start off with, there's the quick
lunchery where even the slower varie
ties of victuals make from ) to iW
revolutions a minute. In the front win
dow you And an artist In a white cap
pouring buckwheat batter on a hot grid
dle and making It spread out nice and
flat, like a hired girl's feet. Just be
yond him Is a large mound of tooth
picks where you're perfectly free to take
all the toothpicks you want and use 'em
Just as publicly as if you'd bought 'em
out of your own pocket. Beyond this
you come to the-restaurant proper, this
being the place wliere you masticate In
haste and lndlgest at leisure. It's a case
of seven seconds for getting it down and
even hours for keeping It down.
"Tou sit at a long table surrounded on
all sides by a pleasant clamor that
sounds like feeding broken queensware
Into a patent corn slieller. The wall
finish Is similar to the glazed decora
tions that am so familiar to all who
have ever had occasion to examine the
bottom of a porcelain churn. The sooth
ing bleat of the whistle on top of the
coffee boiler mingles with the bell-like
tones of Percheron Pansy, the large
strong girl at the front table, as she
requests the chef, who's a .quarter of a
mile away at the rear of the cave, to
make It two blue hsh on the iron and
jet the wht cks and mpl syp com
right along. On one side of you Is the
coming champion of middleweight dys
tiepsia taking his implements In hand
and performing a snare drum solo on an
order of baked beans. On the other Is
one of those food prestidigitators who
makes a pass at a wedge of pie with an
edged tool called an eating knife and
the next moment shows you a perfectly
clean plate. Immediately opposite is the
rival parlor magician who executes a
pleasing feat of legerdemain by hurling
a portion of corned beef hash In the
general direction of his face and causing
It Instantly to vanish. Using the Spen
cerian or free-hand method he then con
ceals a cup of coffee inside of his per
son deftly, slaps himself violently upon
the features with a paper napkin and
concludes his part of the entertainment
bv producing a long sVip of ribbon
shaped hiccoughs. in assorted colors,
from the upper portion of his waist
coat as he passes the cashier's desk
going out.
"I don't think I could ever again learn
to care for the quick lunch cavern, as I
once did. Larry. I like muFic with a
meal but 1 prefer not to furnish It my
self. Besides I'm not as young as I
once was. or anyway niy stomach Isn't.
I've known It to turn and bite the hand
that would caress it. I do not seem
to he able sny more 'to take a hard
boiled egg the same way a man In the
Malaria Kelt takes a quinine pill. Every
BY JIM NASI CM.
UW' Kid," nal! the Old Sport
jf as ho dropped Into an easy
chair and filled his pipe, "the
season'a about over now, and the pen
nant's been won and lost and you jruyj
are out of tt for another year. It's a
mighty good time now. Kid. to kind of
look bark over the season s work and
figure up your mistakes. I'm not very
strong on post-mortem examinations,
but whenever a guy ran pipe off a mis
take and kirk it out of his system so
It won't butt In and bill the town for
a return engagement, post-mortema
are a mighty good thing."
Yes, Pad," replied the kid. "but
post-mortems never brought many vic
tims to life ft iin nnd Rave them
another chanee. and 1 guess they never
won any pennants vet, either."
"No," said the Old Sport, "but the
kid who doesn't cop out a lesson n.w
end then from his past performances
as he pIuks along the pnth of life will
hlHmed soon get so far behind that
he'll meet himself coming bark. Take
It from me. If mere mechanical base
ball could cop the pennant you guys
would have had It cinched long ago.
You've got the best team In the league
as far ss playing baseball ts concerned.
but you got nosod out by a bunch of
guv who got your goat on their nerve.
"The lesson I want to put you next
to. Kid. Is the dope thst mere ability In
any line will never do more for you
uUrrrTv
ILVDl-
ms ROOSEVELT
EM
once In a while now. I find It almost
absolutely necessary to stop and chew."
"You uster like them tabble dehotty
alaces fairly well when I first , knowed
you." said the House Detective.
"I admit It." said the Hotel Clerk.
"But you must remember that it was In
the old carefree days before I got my
hair cut and began to wear regular
clothes. I'm afraid the dear old place
in the basement of the former resi
dence on a side street, with the dotted
IN WHICH HE SAYS THAT
than hold the Job you've got. I don't
give a continental cuss If a kid Is the
best In his line that has ever been
dumped Into the world. If he Isn't there
with the nerve and the pepper he'll
never be more than a valued employe.
The guy who gets on the Brussels and
has a desk plugged with push buttons
and runs the whole shootlns; match is
the one who has a little ability sea
soned with a thundering; lot of pepper
and scrap, and goes after a thins; to
either, cop it or get copped himself,
and never thinks of stalling for the
bell.
"Take It from me. Kid, pennants In
baseball are won the same as pennants
In the business world. In either case
the guy who Is there with the nerve
and the bluff and the pepper is mighty
apt to put it all over the guy who is
playing a lone hand with his ability.
Give me the kid who has push and the
snnp to make his own opportunities
and the nerve to bluff his way through
and get away with it and he can carry
my money against all the plodding
ability you can stack him up against
What this old dump of a world buys
when It goes to the store Is the goods
that are advertised. There may be a
blamed stght better brands on the
market, but nobody knows It.
"So It's the kid who kicks the door
of opportunity open himself and slips
through and braces his feet against
the door Jnni so that nobody can throw
him out that we hear about, while the
kid who is waiting outside for some
one to ask htm in gets lost In the
shuffle.
"This dope about 'virtue being Its
own reward is all right, and you can
take my tip that that's about all the
reward It gets In this old dump of a
world. The guy who camps in church
all day Sunday and minds his own busi
ness and keeps his . mouth shut the
other six days of the week, gets him
self buried in the garbage along the
path of life, but the political brigand
who Is slick enough to steal a railroad
and shoots the hot air . Into the re
porters gets to be boss of the universe.
I'm not handing you this dope to show
you that It Is necessary to be a high
way robber In order to succeed, but It
only shows that the reason wicked
ness triumphs over righteousness In so
many cases. Is because righteousness
Is too blamed modest and Is shy on
pepper and push.
"Now, Kid. getting back to baseball,
pepper and push add 50 per cent to
a team's winning powers the same as
a guy's winning powers In the busi
ness world. The guy who is' as quiet
as a Philadelphia Sunday, may play
the game right up to the handle and
plug through without a wobble, but
take It from me. he's Just a little bit
shy In the pinches. If you'll Just look
over the records you'll find that the
teams that have the hitters, but are
shy on the gab and the nerve, are hit
ting In double figures in lots of games
that they lose to teams that are get
ting fewer hits, simply because the
guys with the gab and bluff get their
goat and put their ability at a discount
and thev fall short In the pinches.
"Tou'll notice that the guys who
make their spurt In the Spring and put
It all over the other teams are usually
found plugging along In the second di
vision after harvest. These are the
teams that are loaded up with blamed
good players, and if mechanical ablli
tv alone could win pennants, they'd
make monkeys of the other guys. They
get away with the early games all
right with straight ball playing, but
they are soon outgamed and out-bluffed
by the teams that are there with the
pepper and the .nerve goods.
'Take the lineup of toe teams that
fly-paper and the sign .'Dinner with
Wine. Forty Cents," in the front win
dow is not for me any more. I used to
enjoy sitting down In the midst of the
mail order Bohemians and the cooking
sherry epicures and the other gay dogs
who'd learned the trade of a gay dog at
a business college. Since then I have
graduated. I have learned that' the
difference between the clear consomme
and the beef broth was that if you
ordered beef broth a fat waiter put his
-4-
PEPPER AND PUSH ARE
. Wm-PUail-BUTTONS.
are making the fight for the rag in
both leagues, and Individually they
haven't got anything on the tallend
ers except nerve. So you can take it
as a straight tip that nerve and bluff
are the distinguishing points between
a good baseball team and a pennant
winner, the good team having the
ability and the pennant winner having
both the ability and the bluff.
And you can take it from me. Kid. I
don't give a continental cuss how much
ability a guy has in any one direction,
if he doesn't mix it up pretty well
with nerve and bluff, and pepper and
push he won't hang up many pennants
in any walk of life.
"The prixefighter may have both the
wallop and the science, but a yellow
streak In his system will forever keep
him from becoming a champion. A
banker may be up to the financial
game from soup to nuts, but If he is
shy on the push and Isn't there with
A r
n MUETO
I tn i r
thumb in It. If it was the consomme
you wanted you got the same thing;
only they withheld the thumb. Most
of the solid provender was furnished
by the well-known firm of Sam Broth
ers Flot and Jet. Your portion of the
chicken was the upper thorax and the.
lower groin of a ' FItzsImmons-built
bird that had succumbed to exhaustion
while trying to get down to bantam
weight. You finished off with a hard
frost on a soupplate, which was known
THE GOODS THAT CAP
the nerve In a crisis, the world will
never get wise to his exletence. The
guy who sells prunes In the little dump
store on the corner may know the mer
cantile business as well as the guy who
runs the big department joint down
town and has his ad. splattered all over
the Sunday sheets, hut you'll find that
the guy In the I Ig joint has the pepper
and the push and the bluff. And so
you'll find it with the ballplayers. A
team may be there wuii the mechanical
ability from the star pitcher all the way
down to the squint-eyed bat boy, but
If they haven't got the scrap and the
pepper the only championship they'll
ever hang up is the cellar champion
ship. Take It from me. Kid, the dif
ference between the able njan and the
successful guy In any walk of life, and
It's a thundering big difference, is sim
ply the difference between a dead one
and a live one.
"Joe Wheeler won the Battle of San
of-- the: qu'ck
jUMCH- .
as a lemon ice, and one of these El
Putrefactos that smelled like a smoul
dering; blaze In a damp liverystable,
and a chunk of cheese that had been
improperly embalmed and either" had
to be eaten right away or else sent
back to the undertaker's before the
Board of Health could get wind of it
and serve notice. I also find that I am
now able to discern, Ahe difference be
tween real wine and pink pokeberry
juice In a pint bottle. In some lights
PENNANTS IN BOTH BASEBALL AND BUSINESS
tiago on a bluff. John Paul Jones pad
died up the English Channel on 'a
bunch of pine boards,' and put It all
over the pride of the English navy on
his nerve and bluff, and the Continental
Army was a joke outside of the nerve
and bluff under the ragged Jackets
and coonskin caps. On form the British
army should have wiped up the "West
ern Hemisphere with the handful of
patriots who grabbed a pitchfork and
sailed Into them In 1776, but form
doesn't cut much Ice when It stacks up
against nerve and grit and sameness.
"On form, few picked the New York
Giants as pennant possibilities last
Spring, but they're getting away with
the stunt just the same In spite of the
dope sheets of the wise guys. On form,
the Detroit Tigers haven't got anything
on several other teams that are taking
their dust. But these two teams have
got away with a thundering ' lot of
games during the season that they had
no license to on form, simply because
they out-gamed and out-bluffedthe
other guys. If you'll keep your eyes
peeled on the Giants In a game you'll
notice that they have a thundering lot
of chin music to spit out to the other
guys when they're changing sides, and
let me tell you .that right there be
tween Innings they're doing a thunder
ing lot to cop that pennant. The St.
Louis Americans were never a pennant
possibility till they stuck a couple of
sciappy players like Hobe Ferris end
Jimmy Williams In the infield.
"And If you'll just let this dope I'm
handing you filter through the chinks
in your garret. Kid, you'll blamed soon
see why you fellows have the ballplay
ers but are out of the pennant race.
When It comes right down to cases.
Kid, you've been bluffed out of the flag.
On form, you've got the other guys
backed clear off the boards, but on the
Canada's Land
Washington (D. C.) Herald.
There is one phase of the report of
the Canadian commissioners of Immi
gration that cannot fail to be of in
tense and grave Interest to many
Americans. For many years now, we
as a nation, have been welcoming to
our shores Immigrants from various
countries, and so steadily has the tide
flowed In our direction that tt has
been, as a hatter of course, that we
have regarded the fact that for the
privilege of American citizenship, lit
erally millions of immigrants have
gladly thrown off their allegiance to
the country of their birth.
During the recent business depres
sion immigration Into the United States
has fallen off In a marked degree, and
the same thing has been true In Can
ada. There the Increase In immigration
for the past six months has been nearly
one-half of what It was formerly, and
all this decrease Is charged np to Eu
ropean countries and Asia. The immi
gration from the United States to Can
ada has not only not fallen off. It has
shown a slight Increase. During the
year Just passed, over 7030 American
citizens dropped their allegiance to the
United States and became citizens of
Canada and subjects of the King of
England, and It Is reported that In the
the color seems similar but the taste
Is found not to be Identical.
"So that's about all for the table
d'hote haunt of the true Bohemian.
Larry- Which really leaves us only
one more variety of food emporium. I
refer to the exclusive Broadway res
taurant which is so called because they
bar out livestock on the hoof, .coochie
coochle dancers in the costume of their
calling and gentlemen who are so
soused that when they lean over to wet
their finger tips they fall In the finger
bowls. It certainly does take away
from the zest of a well-ordered meal to
discover a pickled party at the adjoin
ing table going down for the third
time with a gurgling cry in a cutglass
finger-bowl, and besides the waiters
often get their clothing splashed up
while rescuing; such a person from a
watery grave with a slice of lemon
peel in it. So they bar him out.
. "But anybody else can get in. Only
the manner of your approach to the
onyx and potted-palm portals makes
quite a material difference. If you
drive up in. a single-seated Broadway
aeroplane and hand the driver a suita
ble pour bolre, which is a French name
for thirty cents off orty, I forget which
and do so with the air of one to whom
money is not an object, you are kindly
received. One boy takes your hat and
another boy takes your cane and a
third, . but smaller boy, takes your
gloves, after which a party in a dress
suit who gets paid a large salary for
looking as if he owned the place, es
corts you to a table that's not more
than two hundred yards from a front
window. If you come with a muffled,
roaring sound In a red taxicab, wearing
the look about you of one who would
part from as much as ten dollars In a
lump sum without experiencing a cold
griping or sinking sensation at the pit
of the stomach, ' it takes more people
to get you settled than it does to write
an English musical -comedy or bury a
dead Tammany leader. And if you ar
rive all dressed up like a totem pole, in
a costly touring car, cut empire, with
your initials embroidered on the side
plackets, and if you seem to exhale
the very aroma of new-mown currency
of the larger denominations, you are
In the nature of an impressive public
function. It is with the utmost diffi
culty that the head-waiter refrains
from kissing you on the forehead and
the ex-captain of German Uhlans who's
taking your order, calls attention to
the rare vintage stuff that's printed in
red letters on the second or sporting
page of the menu, in the voice of a
high-church rector pronouncing the
benediction over a rich congregation
on an Easter Sunday.
"But suppose, on the other hand, you
enter afoot and without any formal rites
and ceremonies. What happens to you
then? I can only explain by telling you
what happens to me, bacause that's the
way I, do my entering. While the honor
ary pallbearers and the commander-in-chief
of the uniformed forces are fussing
over the guest of honor at the front table,
a haughty foreign gentleman leads me the
length of the place, walking far enough
ahead to show that there is no friendly
relation existing between us. and se
questers me In a dark corner commanding
a view of a swinging door opening onto
the kitchen. He then silently steals
. JAMIE MOr
GUT(f Y0U5E
THE-W-TMT-COP
u U I
Exploitation Attracts the Farmers
past six years the sum total of United
States citizens absorbed by Canada is
40,000.
It must seem strange that so many
people would be willing to give up
what most Americans regard as one ef
the highest of wordly blessings, citi
zenship in this nation; and. of course,
the causes are distinctly Industrial, not
patriotic. It may safely be ventured
that not a single individual lias gone
from the United States to Canada be
cause of dissatisfaction with the Ameri
can form of government.
Most of the emigrants from America
to Canada are farmers, and Canadian
farming has been having a great boom
in recent years, owing- partly, to many
natural advantages possessed by .the
Northwest, and owing more largely,
perhaps, to a system of exploitation
and advertising liberally employed by
the Canadian officials, ably seconded
by the Canadian railways. During the
period of this American emigration to
Canada the railroads of the United
States have been feeling the depression
rather keenly, and this has halted en
terprise, while the Canadian railways
have been having a period of prosper
ity, of wonderful activity, resulting in
the opening up of new territory and
the placing of milions of acres of the
IBVIM5.C0BB
manner In order to avoid the sight of my
sufferings. So then I sit there famishing
In the sight of plenty and at Intervals
rapping vainly for help on the rim of my
glass.
"More time passes. Nearly all the time
there Is passes.
"I realize that the accounts which the
papers have printed from time to time
of the pangs endured by the starving
poor have not been exaggerated. I shud -der
to think what would happen If a nice,
clean little boy with plump bare legs
were to venture near me unaccompanied
by his parents or guardians. I wondev
if my remains will be recognlzatble when
finally discovered. Keason totters on her
hungry throne. At this Juncture, when
all hope seems indeed fled, the waiter
providentially returns. lie- stations him
self three paces to the rear and slightly
to the left of my emaciated form. He Is
consciously aware -of the fact that he
speaks more languages than 1 do. He Is
away. When It comes to silently stealing
away from me a Broadway waiter has
got the original Arab folded up in his
own tent.
Having gone away, he then forgets me.
Time passes. At length a third deputy
assistant helper comes with languid grace
and invades my secluded nook long
enough to bestow upon me a roll that
some one else has rejected, a glass of
partially Ice water and a napkin. He
likewise withdraws In an unostentatious
also proud that he can wear his tin rooT
shirt and his scoop-shovel evening vest
In the daytime while I must wait for
nightfall to put mine on; that Is. If I
have any to put on. He Is reserved In
manner yet at the same time abstracted.
He steadfastly regards a fly on the far
wall. His thoughts seem many miles
from here. I am trying to decide what
I'll eat. He Is trying to remember where
he left his umbrella.
"In a voice, which I can still faintly rec
ognize as belonging to me. I state my
desires. Only they are not really my
desires. I had originally entertained the
idea of calling for a small steak with
some fried onions and possibly a little
meat on the steak. But the rows of os
tensibly French names that swim before
my affrlghtened vision have thrown a
Gallio kibosh over my swooning senses.
But anyway. I give my order. He goes
upstairs, or downstairs, or somewhere an,'l
hands my application In to the board of
governors or the house committee ' and
If nobody blackballs me, he allows an
other suitable period of time to elapse
and then brings me something which I
did not ask for. cooked in a style which
I do not care for."
"Well, can't you always complain to
the manager?" put In the House De
tective. "To be sure you can," said the Hotel
Clerk. "And It won't bother him a bit.
either. From long practice his mind is,
so trained that he can dismiss the mat
ter from his recollection almost instantly.
The best way, Larry, to enjoy a pleasant
meal for about a dollar In a high-class
restaurant In this town is to put about
J4 more to It before you start."
field Is where pennants are won and
not on the form-sheets. And when you
fellows get out on the lot, although
to the casual observer you seem to be
putting up a good .game, when you
stack up against a scrappy team you're
always just a little bit shy, because the
other guys' gab and bluff has got your
goat.
"Take It from me. Kid these guys
who go nutty howling about clean
baseball can yell till they're blue In the
face if they want to, but clean baseball
alone never won any pennants and.
never will until they change human na
ture, and It takes a blamed sight more
than baseball legislation to do this. And
you can take my tip. Kid, that as long
as there Is anything in the power of
mind over matter the mere possession
of ability will never win success In
any walk of .life.
"When did you ever see a baseball
team that wasn't there with the pepper
and the scrap running away with the
pennant? You've got to show me, be
cause I can't remember of such an oc
currence, and In spite of all this howl
about clean baseball, you'll notice that
the fans always cough up the ante In
bunches when a scrappy team hits the
village.
"1 tell you. Kid, pepper and serappl
ness may not make a guy pleasing com
pany to loaf around with, but it will do
a thundering lot toward giving him a
boost up the ladder of success, and this
old dump of a evrld has acquired the
art of Justifying a winner. Where do
you euppose Teddy Roosevelt would
have been if It hadn't been for his pep
per? I'll gamble that he'd never have
butted Into fast company at all.
"So, Kid, If you take my tip you'll put
In the off-season laying in a supply of
pepper, and maybe next season you
won't be quite so popular a personality
socially, but you'll be a blamed sight
more valuable commodity to your man
ager. One peppery guy on a ball team
or in a business joint will do a thunder
ing lot more for me success of that
institution than a dozen pieces of hu
man mechanism. Get wise. Kid."
very best farming land In the world
on the market at ridiculously low
prices. Canada's homestead and timber-claim
laws are most liberal, and as
sistance is rendered the Incoming agri
culturist wisely and generously. All
these things combined have gone to ac
count for the strange increase In em
igration from the United States to Can
ada and our loss In American citizens.
We need not be ashamed, as a people,
to take a lesson from our Northern
neighbor In methods of exploitation.
We have still great tracts of land that
only need the right sort of Immigrants
to become enormously productive and
an added strength to the nation. We
must let the people who want farms,
and who desire to carve out homes,
know about the lands we have for
them, and how to reach them. We
must learn, as Canada has learned, that
"It pays to advertise."
Vp In the) Air.
Washington Evening Star. .
"I suppose you expect to have a lot of
people up In the air before you geT
through with your flying machine?"
"Yps." answered the promoter absent
mindedly; "especially Investors."