THE.S17KDAT OKEGOXIAX. rORTXAVD. OCTOBER 4. 1908.
I
1 1 ve e w
SAT. when it roraes to gettin' himself
tangled up In ways tint nobody ever
thought of before, you can play
Pinckney clear across the board. But I
never knew htm to send out such a hard
breathin' hurry call aa the one I sot the
other day. It come first thing in the
mornln' too, Just about the time Pinck
ny used to be tearln' off the second cou
pon from the plumber card. I hadn't
more'n not inside the studio door before
.Swlfty J.e says:
"Plnckney's been try'n' to get you on
the wire."
"Gee!" savs I. "he's stayin up late
last nlKht! Did he leave the number?"
lie had. and It was a 0-ccnt long drs
tapes call; so the first play I makes when
I rings up Is to reverse the charge.
"That you. BhortyT" says he. "Then for
goodness' sake rnnw up here on the next
train! Will you?"
"House afire, bone in your throat, or
what?" says I.
It's those twins." says he.
"Bad as that?" says L "Then m
come."
Wa'n't I tel'hV you about th" pair of
mated orphans that was shipped over to
Mm unexpected: and how Miss Ciertle.
the Western blush rose that was on the
steamer with 'em. helps 'em out? .Well,
the last I hears. Pinckney is gone on
JWIss Oertle and gettln farther from
sight every minute. He's planned it out
to have the knot tied right away, hire
a furnished cottage for the Summer, and
put In the honeymoon gettin acquainted
with the ready-made family that they
starts in with. Great scheme! Suits
rinckney right down to the ground, be
cause It's different, lie begins by ac
cumulate a pair of twins, next he finds
girl, and then he thinks about gettin'
married. By the way he talked. I thought
H was all settled: but hearln' this whoop
for help I ausplcioned there must be some
hitch.
There wa'n't any carnation In his but
tonhole when he meets me at the station:
he hasn't shaved since the day before;
and there' tWmble tracks on his brow.
"Can't you stand married life bettera
this? says
Married!" ssys he. "No such luck. I
jiever expect to be married. Shorty; I'm
not fit."
"Is this a decision that . was handed
you. or was it somethin' you found out
yourself?" says I.
"It's my own discovery." says he.
"Then there's hope." says I. "So the
twins have been gettin' you worried, eh?
Where's Miss Gertie"
That gives rinckney the hard luck cue,
and while we' Jogs along toward his new
place In the tub cart he tells mo all about
what's been happenln'. First off he owns
up that he's queered his good start with
Miss Oertle by bein' In such a rush to
flash the solitaire spark on her. She ain't
used to Plnckney's Jumpy ways. They
hadn't been acquainted much more'n a
week, and he hadn't gone through any of
the prelim's, when he ups and asks her
what day It will be and whether she
chooses church or parsonage. Course she
shies at that, and the next thing Pinck
nry knowa she's taken a train West,
av1n him with the twins on his hands,
and a nice little note sayln' that while
she appreciates the honor, she's afraid he
won't do.
"And you're left at the post?" says I.
"Yes." says he. "I couldn't take the
wins and follow her. but 1 could tele
graph. My first message read like this.
What's the matter with meT Here Is her
e.newer to that." and he digs up a yellow
envelope from his inside pocket.
"Not domestic enough. G." It was
short and crisp.
lie couldn't g've me his come back to
that, for he said it covered three blanks;
t-ut it was meant to be an Ironclad affl
ciavlt that he could be Just as domestic
as the next man. if he only had a chance.
"And then?" says I.
"Read It." says he, handin over Ex
hibit Two.
"You have the chance now." it says.
"Manage the twins for a month, and I
will believe you." -
And that was as far as he could get.
Now. first and last. I guess there's been
dozens of girls, not countin all kinds of
widows, that's had their lassoes out for
Pmokney. He's been more or less Inter
ested In some; but when he really runs
Woman's Dress Compared With That of Man
Why the Weaker Sex Has Difficulty In Appearing: Immaculate in Business Lifa
Providence Journal.
THET were discussing the eternal
differences of their points of view,
and as usual the man was logically
correct on a subject upon which he had
failed to sound the di-pths of his Ignor
ance. But also as usual the girl had
the last word, and this is what she said:
"I suppose I will have to admit that
you are right when you say that the
average man presents a more faultlees
sartorUU appearance than the average
woman, but I am sick of the terra aver
age man. and I am not going to admit
that I have any acquaintance with an
average woman. You say that she Isn't
so trim nor so neat, nor so faultlessly
attired as the men of her class, and now
1 am oing to tell you why.
"If it is possible I am going to make
you look at things for once from my point
of view, and I hope the enlightenment
will give you understandmg.
"The difference began in the dark ages,
since alien women have, up to tho pres
ent day and generation, comparatively
s;eaking. been Indebted to the generosity
of their lords and masters for their sup
port. Since they have begun to earn
their own living they are still indebted
to the sterner sex for tho waees they
reootve. The services of the average
-woman are not as yet appreciated to the
extent of bringing her any pay approxi
mating that of a man who is on the same
plane. Take anr grade of work and you
will find that the male creaturs has a
higher value.
It is safe to say that the average
nian receives $ljo per year. But a woman
w ho receives that sslary is no longer an
average, but an exceptional woman.
Teachers, clerks, newspaper men and
m.unen are all measured on the same
ratio. If. for Instance. I receive 115 a
iteek. you command three or four times
that amount, yet you expect me to pre
serve as high a standard in my dress as
ou do in yours. Many men have families
to support, but it is an exceptional case
w here a woman working for a living
dos not also have otheia dependent upon
her.
"Tske ourselves, for example. You are
a bachelor, and take care of your mother;
1. a bachelor girl, have also a female
relative to support. Yet you expect me.
rn a third of your Income, to keep up
my household and dress as inimaculateiy
as you do. You buy two, three or even I
f..ir business suits a year at an averace
of apiece. If I could do that I should
l.x.k as trim as you do. but how can I?
My suits must last me two years, and
sometimes longer, and PS is more than I
ran afford to pay except for my best ones,
oftener Ki, and sometimes less than
that, must cover the cost, and two a
er or In to years must suffice.
The material of your clothes Is of a
belter quality and receives less wear;
why .hould it not present a better ap
across one that's worth taggin' she does
the sudden duck and runs him up against
a game like this.
"And you're tryln' to make good, eh?"
says I. "What's your programme?"
For Plnckney. he hadn't done so worse.
First he hunts up the only aunt he's got
on his list. She's a wide, heavy-weight
old girl, that's lost or mislaid a couple
of husbands, but hasn't ever had any
kids of her own, and puts In her time
goln' to Europe and comin' back. She
was Just bavin' the trunks checked for
Bar Harbor when Pinckney locates her
and tells how glad he is to see her again.
Didn't she want to change her plans and
stay a month or so with him and the
twins at some nice place up In West
chester? One glimpse of Jack and Jill
with their comp'ny manners on wins ber.
Sure, she will!
So It's up to Pinckney to hire a happy
home for the Summer, all found. TJot any
-- -JTfWwM5P s
I ,
They Introduces Me to
Idea of how he tackles a Job like that?
Most folks would take a week off and do
a lot of travelln". slain' up different
Joints. They'd want to know how many
bathrooms. If there was malaria, and all
abount the plumbln". and what the neigh
bors was like. But llvln' at the club
don't put you wise to them tricks. Pinck
ney. he Just rings up a real estate agent,
gets him to read off a list. says. "I'll
take No. S." and It's all over. Next day
they move out.
Was he stung? Well, not so bad as
you'd think. Course, he's stuck about two
prices for rent, and be signs a lease
without readln' farther than the "Where
as": but. barrln' a few things like hair
cloth furniture and rooms that have been
shut up so long they smell like the sub
cellars In a brewery, he says the ranch
wa'n't ao bad. The outdoors was good,
anyway. There was lots of it. acres and
acres, with trees, and flower gardens, and
walks, and fishponds, and everything you
could want for a pair of youngsters that
needed room. I could see that myself. .
Say, Pinckney," says I. as we drives
in through the grounds, "if you can't get
along With Jack and Jill In a place of
this kind you'd better give up. Why,
pearance than that of those whom you
criticise? Y'our overcoat like my coat
will last you two or three Winters, but
you pay 140 or lo for it, where I think
i'-O an extravagant price, unless It ts
fur lined. For hats I grant you wo pay
more, for according to your extravagance
you pay from P to Jo for a derby, or from
C to for a straw hat, each of which
you wear through the season and for
second best the next year. Wo pay any
where from $5 up for our hats, of which
we have more in number, but we use the
materials over and over again, which
may sometimes account for their lack
of freshness.
"For gloves and shoes the items are
about the same, except that I have to
wear mine longer, and consequently they
do not always present the immaculate
appearance characteristic of yours.
"As for shirts and shirtwaists, while
the initial cost may preserve a relative
average, you can. after once wearing,
send yours to a laundry and expect to
receive them in something approximating
their normal condition. What would be
the result if I did that? The average
laundry would return' mine In shreds and
tatters at the second or third trial, and
so I wear mine mors than one day, and
you look me over and make mental
comparisons, of which, by the way, I
am perfectly conscious.
"You are privileged to remove your coat
during office hours, and are expected to
wear it in the street, thereby concealing
any dirt you may have gathered up dur
ing the day. Therefore people think It la
not there, but they see the evidences of
my labor, and again compare.
"It is the same way with Summer
sl.-.rts. You are not expected to appear in
white for work. We take our chances,
and If dirt sticks we are to blame, not the
state of the office. But I have noticed
that when a man blossoms out into
white ducks be is as a rule immaculate
no longer than I am. This perhaps ac
counts for his doing It so seldom, except
on festive occasions, when he wears a
highly virtuous air, as long as they are
clean, and a very subdued expression af
ter the appearance of the first spot.
"I am not going beneath .the surface,
but there is one very good reason why a
man presents 'a neater appearance as a
rule than the average girL Good taste,
that rare boon to its possessors. Is less
conspicuous by Its absence in men than
In women. It is because men have less
opportunity to gratify their taste for
color. Buying their clothes either ready
made or of a tailor, they are neither to
be praised nor censured beyond a certain
range for what they select, as they buy
In color and cut what ts In vogue. Their
chief opportunity for offense iles in
stockings and lies, in which connection
let me say that the worst-dressed man I
know is an artist, who spends much en
ergv upon his raiment, which he admires
with a feminine joy. lie sports stock
ings, ties, shirts and waistcoats oh. 1
7 '
all you got to do Is to turn 'em loose."
Wait." says he, "You haven't heard
It all."
"Let it come, then." says
"We will look at the house first," says
he.
The kids wa'n't anywhere In sight; so
we starta right In on. the tour of inspec
tion. It was a big. old. slate-roofed bar
racks, with "Jigsaw work on the eaves,
and a lot of dinky towers frescoed with
llghtnln" rods.- There was furniture to
match, mostly the marble topped, black
walnut kind, that was real stylish back
In the '70s.
In the hall we ran across Sntvena. He
was the butler; but you wouldn't guess
It unless you was told. Kind of a cross
between a horse doctor and a missionary,
I should call him one of these short
legged, barrel-podded gents, with a pair
of white wind harps framln' up a putty
colored face that was ornamented with a
;vj - i i
Grandfather and Aunt Sablna,
set of the solemnest-lookin' lamps you
ever saw off a stuffed owl.
"Gee, Pinckney!" says I, "who un
loaded that on yoo?"
"Sntvena came- with the place," says
be. ,
"He looka It." says I. "I should think
that face would sour the milk. Don't he
scare the twins?"'.
"Frighten Jack and-Jill V eays Pinck
ney. "Not If he had horns and a tall!
They seem to take him as .a Joke.- JBut
he does make all the rest of us feel
creepy."
"Why don't you write him his re
lease?" says i- '
"Can't." says Pinckney. "He Is one
of the conditions in the contract he and
the urns."
"The urns?" says I.
"Yes." eaya Pinckney, sighin' deep.
"We are coming to them now. There
they are."
With that we steps into one of the front
rooms, and he lines me up before a
white marble mantel that Is Just as cheer
ful and tasty as some of them pieces In
Greenwood 'Cemetery. On. either end was
what looka to be a bronze flower pot. -
"To your right." says Pinckney, "la
forgot to mention waistcoats with an un
holy abandon In color that sets one's
teeth on edge. There isn't 'a girl of my
acquaintance who can equal him Is that
line.
- "On the other hand, he is offset by a
brother in the craft who Is one of the
best-dressed men In town. Always clad
In quiet tones with immaculate nicety,
everything harmonizes, and I don't know
a woman who could equal him for taste
In dress.
"Tt'ou may say I am begging the ques
tion, but I am trying to make you un
derstand our point of view.
"And right here let me say that IJ you
men fastened your ties in the back it is
an open question In my mind if you
wouldn't make as many misconnections
as the women you criticise. From the
limited opportunities for observation at
my disposal It strikes me that it takes a
man more time. to tie his cravat than it
does a girl to get Into most of her outside
raiment. That may be another reason
for the better adjustment, although in
regard to belts, the less said the better.
For where I see one girl missing connec
tions I see two men struggling with
theirs.
"The next time you walk downstairs
behind an average woman. Instead of
criticising her faults, suppose you loo
for her virtues. Remember, if by chance
she may look trim enough to please your
fastidious eye, that she is probably dress
ing on 100 or $130 a year. That she may
have made her outfit, or a large part of
It. herself, that she may have done a
great part of her household labor, and to
save some one at home may have had to
don her apparel hastily at the last mo
ment. If hats and other accessories do
harmonize, give her credit for taste, ayid
if they do not. then remember that prls
have every opportunity to gratify their
love for color, but not always money
enough to carry out the color scheme as
they would like to do.
"Remember that where your idiosyncra
sies In dress are more or less curbed by
your tailor and haberdasher, those of a
girl have full sway. Aod remember, too,
that when one tells you she likes the tie
you are wearing she means' it. and she
Is never unkind enough to mention one
of which she does not approve. By that
token you may always know whether you
yourself have risen to the feminine
standard."
"By the way," said the man. "this " is
the second day I have worn this tie and
you haven't yet told me bow you like it."
"No, I know I haven't." said the girl,
with a little gleam in her eye, "but I've
talked too much already."
Varied Uses for Peppers.
ine American nousewue-is just was- i
lng to the realization of the value of !
peppers. They were onee voted a "for- I
elgn" vegetable or relish. Today, they I
Grandfather: to your left. Aunt Sabina."
"What's the Josh?" says I.
"Shorty." says he. heavin up another
sigh, "you are now in the presence of
sacred dust. These urns contain the sad
fragments of two great Van Rusters."
"Fragments Is good," eays I. "Couldn't
find many to keep, could they? Did they
go up wfth a powder mill, or fall into a
atone crusher?"
"Cremated," says Pinckney.
Then I gets the whole story of the twqj
oldimaids that Pinckney rented the place
from. They were the last of the clan.
In their day the Van Rusters had headed
the Westchester batthV ltet. ownin" about
half the county and gettin' "their names
In the paper reg'lar. But' they'd been
peterin' out for the 'last hundred years
or so, and when It got down to the Misses
Van Rusters. a pair' of thin-edged, old
battle axes that had never wore anything
but crape and Jet bonnets, there wa'n't
much left of the- estate except the mort
gages and the urns.
- Reutlng the place furnished was the best
card -in the box, and Plnokney turns up
as the willin' victim.. When he comes to
size up what he's drawn, and has read
over the lease, he finds he's put his name
to a lot he "didn'tj dream about. Keepln'
Snivers on .the pay roll, promfsln not to
disturb the urns, usln' the furniture care
ful, and havin' the grass cut in the pri
vate buryln' lot was only a few that he
could think of off hand.
"You ain't a tenant, Pinckney," says
I; "you're-a philanthropist."
"I feel that way," says he. "At first,
I didn't know which was worse, Snlvens
or the urns. But I know now ft is the
urns. They are driving me to distrac
tion." ,
"Ah, do a lap!" says I.. "Course, I give
In that there might be better parlor orna
ments than potted ancestors, specially
when they belong to some one else: but
they den't come extra, do they? 1
thought it was the twins that was
worryin' you?"
"That is where the urns come in," says
he. "Here the youngsters are now. Step
bark In here and watch." ,
He pulls me into the next room where
we could see through the draperies.
There's a whoop and a hurrah outside,
the door bangs, and in tumbles the kids,
with a nurse taggin' on behind. The
youngsters makes a bee line for the
xnAntelpiece and sings out: -
'Hello. Grandfather! Hello, Aunf Sa
blna! Look what we brought this time!" .
"Stop it! Stop!"' says the nurse, her
eyes buggin" out.
"Boo! Fraid cat!" yells the twins, and
nursy skips. Then they begins to unload
the stuff they've lugged In, pllin' It up
alongside the urns, singln' out Jike auc
tioneers, "There's some daisies "for Aunt
Sabina! And wild strawberries for Grand
fattier! .And mud turtle for aunty! And
bird's nest for Grandfather!" windin' up
the performance by jolnln' hands and
goln' through a reg'lar war dance.
Pinckney explains how this was only a
sample -of what had been goln' on ever
since they heard Snivens tellin' what was
in the urns. They'd stood by, listenln'
with their' mouths and ears wide open,
and then they'd asked questions until
everyone was wore out tryln' to answer
'em. But the real woe came when the
yarn got around among the servants and
they begun- leavln faster'n Pinckney's
Aunt Mary could send out new ones from
town. -
"Maybe the kids'll get tired . of it tn
a -few days,-" says I. ' "
"Exactly what I thought," says Pinck
ney: "but they don't. It's the best game
they can think of, and if I allow them
they will stay in here by the hour, cut
ting up for the benefit of Grandfather
and Aunt Sabina. It's morbid. It gets
on one's nerves. My aunt says she can t
stand it much longer, and if she goes
I shall have to break up. If you're a
friend of mine. Shorty, you'll think of
sdme way to get . those youngsters in
terested in something else."
"Why didn't you buy 'em a poiny
cart?" eays I.
"I've bought two," eays he: '.'and games
and candy and parrots and mechanical
toys enough to stock a store. Still they
keep this thing, up."
"And if you quit the domestic game
the kids have to go to some home and
you go back to the club?" says I. ...
"That's H," says he.
"And when Miss Gertie comes on and
finds you've renlgged it's all up between
you and her, eh?" says L
are accepted as entirely worthy of a
regular place on her home menu.
In using the large green peppers,
bear In mind that If served raw, they
must be washed, then the. top cut off
like the lid of a cup, the seeds and par
titions carefully removed, and the
shells with their lids soaked for at least
half an hour in Ice water. If Intended
for a cooked dish, such as stuffed pep
pers, the shells must be cleaned and the
seeds removed, then parboiled for about
five or ten minutes.
Green Peppers .en Surprise. Clean
and empty the shells, soaking: them half
an hour in ice water. Prepare a salad
filling. This may consist of mixed veg
etables, such as cold string beans, cut
in half-inch lengths, onion finely
chopped, potatoes diced, carrots cut into
slivers, all these cooked save the onion,
and dressed with mayonnaise. Another
delicious mixture is cold cooked crab
meat, flaked and mixed with celery and
mayonnaise, or the regulation cocktail
dressing. Worcestershire, tabasco sauce,
horse-radish, tomato ketchup and lemoq
juice mixed to taste.
Stuffed Green Peppers. Wash and
plunge Into boiling water, simmering
gently for five minutes. Drain and cut
off the stem end to remove the seeds
and partitions of soft fiber inside, leav
ing bare shells. Wipe dry, and fill with
minced sausage meat, flavored well
with finely-chopped onion, .bread
crumbs, parsley and a little lemon Juice.
Bake 15 minutes, basting with melted
butter or better still soup stock..
"Sbacknasty Pete."
Chicago Post.
Bhacknuty Pete Is bad and bold
This morning he stepped out
And 'twould have made your blood run cold
To hear hia hall and shout. (
He called his gang across the glen -
And doughtily they came
A hand of rugged fighting men
Well known to outlaw fame.
Out vender by "the lilac tree
In ambush still they lay.
And dared such folk as you or me
To see them brought to bay.
With iword at side and gun in hand
Their victims they would stalk
Tbli heartless, tireless robber band.
That no defense could balk. x '
Ere noon Bhacknasty Pete had led
His gang against a train
And passengers had fought and bled
To add unto his gain.
Across yon field they chased a foe '
Who ran his very best
But when they captured him: You know
I hate to tell the rest-
Thls afternoon a band of braves
In vender canyon hid
Attacked them: but soon found their graves
And now 'neath sand are hid.
Ehacknasty Pete, with dagger armed.
Approached our kitchen door;
Some pie." he cried, "or you'll " be
harmed!" .
We trembled at bis roar.
But desperadoes, after all.
Must yield to Nature's claims.
And to the sandman's drowsy call
Thev've answered with their namea.
His bold hlue eyes are shut in sleep
But still his dagger gleams
And still his faithful henchmen keen
Their watch throughout hia dreams. ' x
Oysters thrive best in water containing
less Uian 4 per cent of salt.
eHANGEDTHE
Pinckney groans.
"G'wan!" says I. "Go take a sleep."
With that I steps in and shows myself
to the kids. They yells and makes a
dash for me. Inside of two minutes I've
been Introduced to Grandfather and Aunt
Sabina, made to do a duck before both
Jars, and am planted on the haircloth
cofa With a kid holdln' either arm, while
they puts me through the third degree.
They want information.
"Did you ever see folks burned and
put in Jars?" says Jack.
"No," says I; "but I've seen -pickled
"G'wan Ye Young
ones Jugged. I hear you've got some
ponies."
."Two," says Jill; "spotted ones. Would
you want to be burned after you was
a deader?"
"Better after than before," eays
"Where's the ponies now?"
"What do the ashes look like?" says
Jack. ,
"Are there any clinkers," says Jill.
Say. I was down and out In the first
round. For every word I could get in
about pontes they got in ten about them
bloomin' Jars, and when I leaves -'em
they was organizin' a circus, with Grand
father and Aunt Sabina supposed to tie
occupying the reserved seats. Honest, It
was enough to chill the spine of a morgue
keeper. By good luck I runs across
Snivens snoopin' through the hall.
"See here, you!" says "I. want to
talk to you."
"Beg pardon, sir." says he, backln' off,
real stiff and dignified; ."but"
"Ah. chuck It!" says I, reachln' out
and gettin' hold of. his collar, playful
like. "You've been iistenin' at the door.
Now what do you think of the way them
kids is carryin' on in there?"
"It's outrageous, sir!" says he, pnfflln'
up his cheeks. "It's scandalous! They're
young Imps, so they are, sir."
"Want to stop all that nonsense?" i
He says he does.
- ! - - i m Af" .A.i-1
I' f W v I J- rw -v-Y
Mrs. Rubberirio Gives Her Friends a Lesson
Some Worrying Remarks to an Indiscreet Friend Who Accompanied Her to the Dentists Office.
New York Sun.
t ELL you certainly have taken
your time, coming to see me,
haven't you, my dear?" said
Mrs. Rubberino. to her visitor. "But I
hear that you're cleaning house and get
ting In whole vanloads of new furniture
la It really new? and all that, so you're
excusable.
"I was only Jesting, iny dear, of course,
when I asked you It your furniture was
new of course yours . is but gracious
sakes, I've seen and heard about so much
funny furniture lately that I don't know
what to think.
"I was over at Mrs. FourUush'a the oth
er afternoon you know what a fright
fully braggy and deceitful thing she is
and she showed me a mahogany dresser
that had Just arrived, and she had the
nerve to tell me that she'd had it made
to order from selected pieces of wood
picked out by a friend of hers down in
South America. Did you ever hear any
thing to beat that?
"Well, I wasn't going to let her think
that she could tell me a whopper like
that the Idea and so I said to her:
" 'Don't you really think that the wrong
dresser has been delivered then? Be
cause I am perfectly sure that I saw that
one in an auction-room on Seventh avenue
only a few days ago.'
"Of course, my dear, 1 hadn't seen any
such a thing, but do you think. I was go
ing to let a puffy-wuffy woman like Mrs.
Forefiush attempt to treat me like a per
fect silly? Indeed, I was not! But you
should have seen the woman when I told
her that. Hoity-toity,- she just swelled
'up until I thought she was going to
burst and her face got ret, and, of course,
that proved that I was right, even if I
had been guessing in saying what I did.
"Its like that Mrs. JJougus trying to
tell folks that every new hat she gets
is a Paris model, when they all look. I'm
sure, as if they'd been made in Grand
street, and I guess they all were, too,
but she's just as brazen about It as she
can be and vow-s and vums that her hats
are sent over here to her by a friend of
hers that lives In Paris. It wouldn't
be so ridiculous if the woman didn't
always look like such a perfect valentine
and dowdy that people turn around on
the street to laugh when she struts by.
"Have you seen Mrs. Nailitt since she
got back from Europe, my dear? Well.
I was "over to her place yesterday, and
I think it's pretty near time that woman
stopped bragging about her smuggling
operations, 'deed I do.
"Every time she goes abroad she brings
back a lot of smuggled truck, and it would
serve her good and right if they'd catch
her at il some time and put her name in ,
, -"you take them Jars
hide 'em in the coal
bin."
He holds up both hands at that. ' "It
can't be done, sir," says he. "They've
been right there for SO years without bein'
so much as moved. They' were very
superior folks, sir,-very superior."
"Couldn't you put 'em in the attic
then?" says
He couldn't. He says It's in the lease
that the Jars wa'n't to be touched.
"Snivens," say I, shovln,' a twenty at
him, "forget the lease,"
''
Tarrler," says Pat.
Say, he looks at that yellowback as
longln' as an East Side kid sizln' up a
fruit cart. Then he gives a shiver and
shakes his head. "Not for a thousand,
sir," says. he. "I wouldn't dare."
"You're an old blllygoat, Snivens,',' says
'
And that's all the good I did with my
little whirl at the game; but I tries to
cheer Pinckney up by tellin' him the kids
wa'n't doin any. harm. . -
"But they, are," says i Pinckney.
"They're' raisin the very mischief with
my plans. The maids are scared to death.
They, say the house is haunted. Four
of them gave notice today. Aunt Mary
is packing her trunks, and that means
that I might as well give up. I'll In
quire about a home to send them to this
afternoon.
I guess It was about 4 o'clock and I
was tryin' to tafce a snooze in a harii
mocjc on the front porch, when I hears
the twins makln' life miserable for the
the gard'fter that was fixin' the rose
bushes. ,
"Lemme dig. Pat," says Jill.
"G'wan ye young terrier!" says Pat.
"Can't I help some?" says Jack.
"Yes, if ye'U go off about a mile," says
Pat.
"Why don't the roses grow any more?"
asks JUL ,
the papers and disgrace her. Yesterday
she showed me six dozen of the most
magnificent sheer, sleazy, grass linen
handkerchiefs that you ever saw or heard
of that she got In Paris for 4 francs
apiece, and you couldn't even smell them
in this country for less than two and a
half apiece.
"She smuggled the handkerchiefs In,
of course, and was irrltatingly blowy
about her cleverness, in doing it. Of
course, she told me not to breathe a word
of it, but she had a nerve asking me to
keep still when she didn't even offer me
one of the handkerchiefs as a little gift,
and her with six dozen of them all spread
out. y
"It's a little bit puzzling to me, any
how, my dear, how that woman "manages
to go to Europe and do all the buying
she does every two or three years, for her
husband is nothing but one of those red
nosed politicians. Maybe that's the an
swerbeing a politician, I mean.
"My dear, how extremely pale you are
today! It can't be that you are using
that new enamel that makes women look
like ghosts, can it? No? Well it would
be no disgrace, of course, if you were
wearing it, for it seems to be the fashion
now for women to try to make their faces
look as if they didn't have one drop of
red blood in their bodies, and what they
Imagine can be attractive about that I
can't see, but it's supposed that men like
pale women, although I can't understand
why they should, the crazy things, for
I'm sure that most of them are fond of
plump women, and plumpness doesn't go
with one of those chalky complexions, if
the complexion is real, that is. although a
Jot of women are now using the strongest
solutions of arsenic they can get to make
them look pale. And I'd like to see my
self ruin my stomach and my. health just
to please a lot of Kinky, critical men, and
if James Rubberino doesn't like my com
plexion as it-is and as the Lord made it,
well, I'll find out the reason why he
doesn't like it, that's all, and
"Oh.' no, my dear; of course, I'm not
intimating that you ever were crazy
enough to use such stuff as arsenic, al
though you really are very pale, and I
thought really that I was complimenting
you as being in the style when I told
you so.
"Are you sure, dearest, hat' your health
is exactly right? When one is threatened
with appendicitis one becomes extremely
pale, as you know, and it's a good thing
too. for the 'pallor serves as a sort of
warning, doesn't it?
"Oh, perhaps you haven't any pain in
the neighborhood of your appendix just
yet, but, as I say, it's just as well to be
on - one's guard, and appendicitis Is a
thing that is not to be trifled with. Poor
little Mrs. Blight, you remember, wouldn't
admit that she was sick, out of false con
sideration for her husband, who was wor
ried by business "matters at the time,
and she had appsndicitis all the time and j
"Then." says I,
down cellar and
""It's needin ashes on
em they are,"
says Pat.
"Ashes!" says Jack.
"Ashes!" says Jill.
Then together. "Oh, we know where
there's ashes lots!"
"We'll fetch "em!" says Jill, and with
that I hears a scamperin' up the steps.
I was Just gettin' up to chase after 'em,
when I has another thought. "What's
the use, anyway?" thinks I. "It's their
last stunt." So I turns over and pretends
to snooze.
When Pinckney shows up about the
twins has the pony carts out and is
doin' a chariot race around the drive,
as happy and Innocent as couple of
pink angels. Then they eats their sup
per and goes to bed, with nary a mention
of sayln' good night to the Jars, like
they'd been. In the habit of doin". Next
mornin' they gets up as frisky as'oolts
and goes to play wild Indians in the
bushes. They was at It all the forenoon,
with never a word about Grandfather
and Aunt 8abtna. Pinckney notices it.
but he don't dare speak of It for fear
he'll break the spell. About S he com si
tn with a telegram.
"Miss Gertle'a coming on the 4 o'clock
train." says he. lookin' wild.
"You don't act llko you was tnoeh
tickled,", says
"She's sure to find out what a muss
Tve made of things," says he. 'Tho mo
ment she gets here I expect the twins
will start up that confounded rigmarole
about Grandfather and Aunt Sabina
again. Oh, I can hear them doing It!"
I let It go at that. But while he's away
at the station the kitchen talk breaks
loose. The cook and two maids calls
for Aunt Mary, tells her what they think
of a place that has canned spooks In the
parlor, and starts for the trolley. Aunt
Mary gets her bonnet on and has her
trunks lugged down on tho front porch.
That's the kind of a reception we has
for Miss Gertrude and her mother when
they show up.
"Anything particular tho matter T'
whispers Pinckney to me, as he hands
the guests out of the carriage.
"Nothin much," ays I. "Me and
Snivens and the twins is left. The others
have gone or are goln'."
"What's the matter?" says Miss Gertie.
"Everything." says Pinckney. "I've
made a flat failure. Shorty, you bring
In the twins and we'll end this thing
right now."
Well, I rounds up Jack and Jill, and
after they've hugged Miss Gertie until
her travelln' dress is fixed for a week
at the cleaners, Pinckney leads us all
into the front room. The urns was there
on the mantel; but the kids don't even
give 'em a look.
"Come on, you young rascals!' says he,
as desperate as if he was pleadin' guilty
to blowin" up a safe. 'Tell Miss Gertrude
about Grandfather and Aunt Sabli.a."
"Oh," says Jack, "they're out In the
flower bed."
"We fed 'em to the rose bushes," says
Jill.
"We didn't like to lose 'em," says Jack:
"but Pat needed the ashes "
"It's straight goods," says I; "J wis
there.
And say, when Miss Gertrude hears the
whole yarn about the urns, and the
trouble they've made Pinckney. she stops
laughln' and holds out one hand to bim
over Jill's shoulder.
"You poor boy!" says she. "Didn't you
ever read Omar's
I sometimes think there never blows so red
The rose, as where some burled Caesar bled ?
Say, who was that duck Omar? And
what's that got to do with fertlllzin'
flower beds with the pulverized relations
of your landladies? I give it up. AH I
know Is that Plnckney's had them Jars
refilled with A-l wood ashes, that Aunt
Mary managed to phone up a new set of
help before mornin," and that when I
left, Pinckney and Miss Gertrude and the
twins was strollln' about, holdln' hands
and lookin' to be havin' the time of their
lives.
Domestic? Say, a clear Havana Punko,
made in Connecticut, ain't In it with him.
Copyright, 1908, Ass'd Sunday Magazine.
didn't know It, and gracious sakes alive!
how pale the poor little thing was for a
week or 10 days before she had to go
under the knife looked exactly as you do
today, my dear.
"She waited so long that when they put
her on the operating table there was no
chance to save her and she died, of
course, and now they tell me that her
husband is sitting up and taking notice
again, although, he cried and went on
at her funeral like somebody possessed,
but men's tears certainly are crocodile
tears, and that man is all dressed Up
these days and looks, as' spruce as a
lizard, and I shouldn't be in the least sur
prised to see him marry some big lum
mox of a blond woman he was always
crazy about silly-looking blondes before
the snow begins to fly.
"Must you be going, dearie? Now,
remember what I've told you your pallor
must mean something, and if I were you
I'd go right straight from here to your
doctor's and have him make an examina
tion of you, for you can't afford to take
any chances, and, now I look at you.
there's something drawn and funny about'
your eyes sort of strained, as it were
and your face is quite pinched and peaked,
dear. and. I must Insist that you have
yourself examined this very hour! Good
bye, dear, and please ring me up as soon
as you see the doctor and tell me what
he says I shall be worried about you."
Solus, after visitor's departure.
vWell, I guess I've got that big truck
horse good .and worried about herself.
There's nothing on earth the matter with
her, except that she gormandizes too
much, but I'll teach her to go around
telling everybody we know that all of
my upper front teeth are porcelain just
because I trusted her enough to have her
go to the dentist with me when I had
them fixed!" -
Mergers in Kngland.
Boston Transcript.
Merger questions do not seem to arouse
the same apprehensions In England that
they do in Massachusetts. The two lead
ing railway companies of that country,
the Midland and London & Northwestern,
owning about one-fifth of the total mile
age in England and Wales, have ended
long and unprofitable competition, so far
as they will be permitted, by an arrange
ment that all traffic should be pooled and
receipts divided, which wiil enable econ
omy in the cost of operation. They de
sire further powers in furtherance of the
consolidation, but that must await the
action of Parliament. The London Times
makes the comment that combination la
the order of the day. yet demands, that in
this case it be "tempered by due super
vision on the part of those whose busi
ness it is to see that the Commonwealth
suffers no damage." This does not fore
shadow any strong public protest. .