33
BV ir.VIN S. OIRB.
ffT M f:,-uX, 1 di,n'1 ve in T;rl''"
these limes," said the House De-
tective of the St. Reckless.
"I'm glad I don't live in Turkey any
time." said tho Hotel Clerk. "I'm also
g'ad J don't live In Patagonia, or New
South Wales or tho Peninsula of North
ern Michigan. To he quite frank with
you. Larry, there's niore'n a million
places that I'm glad I don't live in em.
I can stand for hours'at a time listening
to a skilled yodeler that calls off the
names of the towns up at the Grand
Central Stiftion without being over
whelmed by a strange, wistful longing to
go to Ashtabula. Ohio, and all points
nest. I'd rather live right here In New
York Willi Its teeming population of tlvo
million people. I know it's pot five mil
lion people, because I see fully three
million of them all trying to get on the
nm4 subway train going home every
night.
"But. If it'." not a personal matter,
might I Rsk what has suddenly embit
tered you against Turkey? Who asked
you to live there, anyway? 1 didn't hear
that an enthusiastic delegation from the
Turkis'.i Chamber of Commerce, the Con
stantinople C. A. IS. post and the Com
mon Council had 1 n around ottering
you the freedom of the city and begging
you to come right along before all the
choice residential villa sites are gobbled
xp by real estate speculators. Have you
been blackballed by the Young Turk."'
Country and Cuochie-Coochie Club, or
what?"
Weil, it's the way they've been carry
In' on over there." .-aid the House Detec
tive, "shontin' and cuttin' and scrappin".
Vol ails them Turks anyway?"
'They're merely getting a constitu
tion." 'explained the Hotel Clerk. "It's
always that way when .1 country that's
never had a constitution is getting one.
Babies behave the same way when
they're teething. This thing of acquir
ing' a constitution i merely drunk and
d'sorderiy conduct, assault and battery
and unlawful assemblage, on a large
c. If the parties that want a con
sltution are there with the punch and
the-,- get the decision, cither on points
or a knockout, they're a hunch of grand
little patriots, and future generations
will name third-class postofficcs and race
Worses f'T them. Hut if the regular poll-.
Tone is too strong for them, they
Join the in Had Hx i.-ty and get ! days
on the Island for resting an officer.
"Iok at the Russians, for example. It
seemed to me that. a.s Russians go. they
were doing very well tinder an unlimited
despotism, which us something '"c helng
under the Standard oil. only not so se
vere, anil in their simple Russian way.
drinking the kerosene out of the family
lamp and living on those little greasy
minnows that reside in a can. But they
got a Iounia :'nd the Dounia got the
constitution hug in their head and. like
anybody who could rat a caviar sand
wich and enjoy it. they had the dispo
sition that carried things to an extreme.
But the Grand Dukes got to the Czar
first and made up bis mind for him the
o'her way. it being that kind or a mind
and one snowy forenoon shortly after
this time there was a noise like rattling
the trace-chains on a log wagon and per
sons residing along the road to Siberia
looked out of the front windows and saw
the leading spirits of the recent Douma
starting on the first legislative junaei .i.
the history of their country.
"So now anv Russian statesman who
thinks his land needs a constitution and
wants to make a speech on the subject
goes down In the cellar and turns out all
the lights and confides his remarks to a
semi-detached rat-hole.
"But in Turkey, from what I can
gather. It was the ladies that really
started it. liver since the days of the
Prophet, up until quite recently, the high
caste Turkish lady had been content to
stay in a harem, which is the institution
on "which most of our county Jails In
this country are modeled. She had the
lower part of her face burled In a nose
bag, the same as a truck team at high
noon, and spent her time developing a
figure that helped a lot toward carrying
out the. comparison of a Norman horse
Immersed In oats. For to be a success
a" a Turkish lady she had to be fat.
Those muscular ones you saw from time
to time w ith the Streets of Cairo -show
at an Elks carnival didn't move In the
best set hack home. Slendemess wasn't
any more popular in a harem than It is
at the Chicago stockyards.
No sir Mav lrwln wouldn"t have last
ed a week in Turkey. They'd a-kld-naped
her. Some dark night there'd
a-been a furniture- van backed up at the
side door of her hotel and In the morn
ing she'd be missing, and when next you
heard from her she'd be. a massive but
helpless prisoner. Immured In the seraglio
of some powerful pasha, closely guarded
bv the same group of daring piano
movers' that were hired to commit the
abduction. That's the .way it used
to be.
"But all of a sudden a wave of female
Independence swept through the Turk
ish Kmpire. The leading ladies took off
their nose-bags. And the populace at
1ars had a look. Then tbey had an
other look and became Indeed desperate.
They felt that the situation was one
which could not be relieved by any or
dinary' means, such as going over into
the Balkans and killing off a few of the
Christians, who occupy the same position
In the political arrangements of that
country that the Democrats do In this.
So they decided to have a constitution.
They are now engaged In having It. And
after they have It I wonder what they'll
do with It."
"The paper says the Sultan, old Abdul
Humid, or wotever his fooli.sb name is.
has been ragin- like a caged lion," said
the House Detective.
"Well. I don't know how a caged lion
rages, but I know how a eaged lion
smells, and any other horrible details
that vou have you can keep to yourself.
said the Hotel Clerk. "And. anyway. I
don't blame him for raging. He's a very
sick man to start with. Kvery paper I
pick up says he s the sickest man in
Kurope. although none of them ever told
what was the matter with him. unless
It was the one that stated he had four
or five regular wives and a barn full
of deputy wives and any number of
ladies-in-waiting scattered around the
neighborhood. I guess he's the indis
posed Ottoman Kid. all right. And then
there s young Abdul AZ-lz tossing arouno
my
with old Abdul Az-wuz. who's either his
uncle or his past participle. I forget
which. The last I heard about the Sul
tan he'd gone Into his bomb-proof and
was letting the Albanian bodyguard do
the rough outside work."
"They say them Albanian guys Is the
tough scrappers, all right," commented
the House Detective.
"I'll have to ask them to show me."
said the Hotel Clerk. "I saw a picture
of a row of them. They wear a costume
that's a cross between a lamp chimney
and a bareback rider and their weapons
are the same kind that they sell you at
the Installment-house to loop up the dra
peries of your Oriental cozy corners with.
I have my doubts about any man being
able to fight very hard when he's got
to worry all the time about the proba
bility of his underskirts catching fire
from a spark.
"Yes'. I know the Turks licked the
Greeks. But they took an unfair advan
tage. They didn't fight with the Greeks'
national weapon, which is the pushcart.
At plaster Images and banana hooks the
Greeks would have had 'em out before
the end of the first round. And they've
also licked the women and children of
Armenia several times, but give me a
pistol and a gun or two and I'll guaran
tee to lick any Armenian child that lives,
single-handed, by myself, and I'm no pro
fessional fighter at that. They might
even have put it on our friends the Chi-
nese here a few years back, when the
Chinks still entertained the notion that
the proper way to affright the Invader
was to march out on the serried field
shooting fire-crackers and go through the
parasol flirtation. But It only took one
short Summer for our other friends, the
Japs, to cure them of the delusion that
the fan dTill was mightier than the dum
dum bullet in modern warfare, and I've
a notion that if the Turks tackled the
nilnow now there'd be more widows In
ni s.com.
the rug store than In the hand laundry.
And I positively shudder to think what
would happen to the bloodthirsty Al
banian body guard If It ever got snarled
up with the reserves from the West Thirtieth-street
Police Station."
"The way I dope it out. a constitution
ain't fltten for any race that's not civil
ized all the way up," said the House De
tective." "Quite right." said the Hotel Clerk.
"There's a lot of things besides consti
tutions that the Turks and the rest of
the uncivilized nations couldn't assimi
late without a severe course of training.
Now there's the Filipino head hunter.
He's a poor untutored cuss that got s
about dressed up In the scenario of a
pair of pants Rnd toting a spear with
a head on it like one of those tools that
a Masonlo lodge uses when it's laying a
cornerstone. But he's a good sport, ac
cording to his lights. About once In so
long he encases his person in a sketchy
first act of a suit of clothes, made out
of grass, with a seashell waistband, and
goes forth and puts a dent In his tribal
foe that looks like an excavation for a
new Union Depot. After which he har
vests the other fellow's head and takes'
his foot In his hand and hurriedly steals
away. So far. so good. There's one dark
brown gentleman that's dead and an
other that's beating It back through tho
Samar high grass In the general direc
tion of Posey County. If the friends of
the deceased should happen to overtake
our hero, the formalities are simple In
the extreme. They merely leave part ol
him there and take the rest of him home
with them on the end of a pole. There's
another vacant bolo in Bologna and a
new face, with a set smile on it. over
the garden gate of the opposition vil
lage. The incident has been closed In a
I manner satisfactory to ell concerned.
"Tf you should suggest to this crude
savage that Instead of being slaughtered
on the spot, he ought to enter an insan
ity plea, he wouldn't grasp your meaning
at all. He'd think you were taking ad
vantage of his lack of education to kid
him along and he'd feel aggrieved be
cause you didn't go ahead and edit him
down with a war-ax and cease your
frivolous and ill-timed Jesting. And it
he'd carried his brother along with him
to see that It was a finished job. and
you as his lawTer should advise that It
would be easy to prove by competent
alienists that both of them went crazy
together, having been seized simulta
neously with the new variety of insanity
known as family group homicidal mel
ancholia, the gentle head-hunter would
probably double up In an uncontrollable
outburst of laughter. He'd never get It
through his skull.
"You're quite right, T-arry, In what
you said just now. There, are many
things about the higher civilization thHt
you couldn't get a savage nation to ac
cept yet awhile, and I'm afraid they'd
never believe in an up-to-date insanity
defense such as we have in the more
expensive murder cases. -
"In fact, Larry, I never heard of any
body that would believe in 'em except
some Juries.
IN WHICH HE SHOWS UP THE RESULTS OF "EARLY TO BED AND EARLY TO RISE.
HIS sporting life is a pleasantly
existence," said the up-state
banker, who had come down to
ee the sishts. "but It's a cinch that it
doesn't do a fellow much good, and
it's against all the rules of longevity.
It's got me on tho bum since I hit thlH
village. I tell you If we only fully
realized just how much some of our
pleasures clip off the fag end of our
live we'd be a blamed sight more
careful how we Indulged our, cravings
for entertainment. I'll admit that I've
had more fun crammed Into the few
days of my life since I met you fel
lows than I would ordinarily have In
a year's existence, but when I begin
to figure up at the rate the dopesters
tell us our fun costs us. I find that I
am due to die just about ten years
earlier than I would have If I had
stayed at home. These figures are
alarming when you stop to ponder tn
them awhile, and after a little figur
ing I find that one more night like
last night will make me dead and
planted five years ago day before yes
terday, allowing myself the average
life of 75 years and deducting for dis
sipation at the rate we are led to be
lieve it costs us."
"Well." replied the broker, "let me
tell you that if the moralists' dope is
right, by adding onto my present age
the number of years that I have lost
through dissipation. I find that my
term of existence would have had old
Methuselah in the infant class. Yessir.
If I had - neycr chewed, smoked or
drank, and left the midnight booze
supper on the table Instead of sticking
It under my vest, take It from me that
I d be tiie oldest inhabitant of at least
six more generations, and instead of
these gray halis thai you see on my
dome of thought tod;y you'd see me
In the nursery playing with my dolly.
That is assuming that the moralists
have their figures pertaining to the
cost of dissipation down pat."
Well." exclaimed the. Old Sport,
"also assuming that the moralists' dope
Is correct. If there is anything; that
posterity ought to be thankful for It
is that some guy Invented dissipation,
so that a couple of old fools like you
two wouldn't live to contaminate the
future ages with your presence. It's
only another proof of thu eternal fit
ness of things. If booze kills people
it's only the guy who hasn't got sense
enough to know when to stop and
Isn't worth a continental cuss to the
world anyway and therefore I say that
booze Joints are a beneficial institu
tion and should be encouraged. Nature
gave us the cigarette because we have
the dude to smoke them, and the one
pest exterminates the other. A lot of
these long-faced moralists who try to
put dissipation on the blink are simply
blind to the fitness of things as pro
vided by nature. Take It from mew if
they'd close up the booze Joints and
the- Great White Way they wouldn't
be able to find enough fool killer to
upply the demand.'
"I guess you're right, replied the
banker, "but there's one thought that
Is deeply impressed on my mind this
morning, and that is that If some genius
would only invent something that would
make wine taste a.s good coming up as it
does going down he would take a thun
dering lot of misery out of the world
and get his name splattered all over
the hall of fame. You fellows down here
in the city may think that 'early to
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LAST-NIGHT CAS:
SH-THE-FLYIN-
THE-raDBIX-OF-
bed and early to rise' is a humdrum ex
istence, but I guess after all It's the
dope that wins out In the stretch."
i'l guess you're hooked up In a wrest
ling match with Mr. R. E. Morse 'this
morning, replied the Old Sport. "But
getting down to cases on this "early to
bed and early to rise' dope, let me tell
you that the object lessons that are
splattered around this old dump of a
world kind of puts this dope In the
scrap pile. Out in the wheat belt,
where the population hits the hay when
the chickens go to roost and are feed
ing the stock when the gray daws
gets on the Job, you'll find a lot of
old mummies hobbling around on a
cane before they hit the half-century
mark. But you drop into a down
town cafe in this wicked city at 2
A. M. and you'll butt Into a bunch of
old sports on the shady side of 50 who
haven't put on their first wrinkle yet
and can nail the last night car on the
fly in the middle of the block.
"The wise guy who ripped off this
slush that "early to bed and early to
rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and
wise,' may have hugged the dope that
he was injecting a little wisdom Into
the world, but take It from me, it's a
losing tip. Y'ou'll find a blamed sight
more health, wealth and wisdom plant
ed behind a slab of steak in the down
town eating joints at midnight than
you'll find hugging the bay in the
home ranch. If you keep your lamps
trimmed as you plug along the path
of life, you'll notice that the city sport
woo considers It a public disgrace to
go to bed the same day on which he
got up Is a pretty slick specimen of
manhood when he hits the 50-mile
stone, wnlle the bucolic citizen of the
rural districts who has been trained to
stampede for the haymow when the sun
sets makes an Kgyptlan mummy look
like a pink and white cherub by com
parison at the half-century mark.
"At the age when your 'early to bed
and early to rise' farmer Is doing the
Rip Van Winkle stunt propped up In an
easy chair in the shade of the old apple
tree, your night owl of a city sport is
still doing the shows and splattering
his presence along the Great White
Way through the midnight hours, and
he doesn't look ready to cash in yet
either, not by a long shot.
'Now. these object lessons that we
have stabbing ns in. the mug every day
are a blamed sight stronger proofs than
a few coined phrases that have been
shoved onto posterity as a relic of the
dark ages by a bunch of long-faced garret
ink slingcrs with a chronic case of stu
porous melancholia, and to the guy with
an observant turn of mind they put a
good sized crimp In the thundering lot of
this 'How to live long and be happy' dope.
"And let me tell you that there's a
blamed good reason for It. too. These
guys will hand you a wad of dope on
how to be healthy and live long, and fill
you up with a string of restrictions the
very observance of wjiich will insert a
harmful monotony into your daily life
that is in itself a more killing pace than
any you can cut out for yourself. They
don't seem to be hep to the dreadful
effects of monotony, but you can take it
from me - that monotony Is responsible
for a blamed sight more blighted lives
and prematurely withered souls and un
timely ends than porterhouse steaks and
mugs of ale at midnight. And any guy
can dig up examples that will prove my
assertion right among his own circle of
acquaintances.
"There's nothting to it, the guy who
chucks monotony out of the bundle of
baggage that he lugs-along the path , of
life Is going to have a blamed sight better
chance of getting a long and pleasant
Journey t,han the dub who loads himself
AND EARLY TO
Rl?e b IVY
TfeMAL-aTIZO-
YfMAHPEDEd-
TOR-TE-iWWEN- .
AN-EGYPnAMHriY-
LOOK-LlKE-A-CHEROBr
down with monotonous directions and
plugs through each day like a piece of
mechanism doing the same old stunts.
And take my tip. fellows, an overdose
of pleasure constitutes monotony just as
much as an overdose of work. The guy
who hits the right trail to happiness and
longevity is the one who makes one divert
the other. A man can't plug along
through life like a clock without busting
his mainspring.
"Take it from me. the guy who tries to
live by any set of rules, I don't give a
continental cuss what they are. Is going
to get through with his Job in time to
give his less precise and more sporty
friends a chance to buy floral offerings
and float around to his darkened home
and chew the rag about how natural he
looks.
"They can bust their larynx yelling
about a sporting life being too fast a pace
if they want to and they can keep right
on shoveling this 'early to bed and early
to rise' dope into youthful think tanks
till they put the kids on the bum. for
all I care, but the motto that I'll keep
tacked up in the family living room
reads: v 'As we plug along the path of
iJi-. iri ua iivb L' tin: n a j .
"Even If It were a double riveted cinch
that any dub could live to be 1J0 years
old by following this health and longevity
dope, I'll gamble that you'll not butt into
many who would want to live 1X) years If
they had to plug along on that schedule.
I've got a good-sized hunch that It's a
blamed sflght more profitable to spend the
first 60 years In freedom and happiness
and the last 60 years In the cemetery
than to spend the whole 1X in an exist
ence of crabbed self-denial that dries up
your soul till It rattles when you waTk,
like a pee. In a gourd. A wrinkled face
lsa mark of respect, but a wrinkled soul
Is the brand of a wasted life.
"For my part I'd a blamed sight rather
be 50 years young than 100 years old And
you can take it from me that the world
gets a blamed sight more good out of
the guy who is a beam of sunshine In
the dark places of the earth for 50 years
than it does from the long-faced old crab
who has plugged along for a century
without the recollection of one good time
to cheer him in his old age. and who
leaves a taste like a dill pickle when he
shuffles off. And I've a good strong
hunch that when the Recording Angel
figures up the official batting averages
the numler of times at bat Isn't going
to cut as much ice In the standing as tlm
use that has been made of these chances.
"Now, fellows, I'll leave It to you. If
there's any truth In the dope that 'the
eve Is the window of the soul.' if there
isn't a blamed sight more sunshine used
In the Interior decoration of the souls of
a lot of old sports that you'll find hitting
It up with the boys after midnight than
you can 'dig out of the system of the
grouches who crawl Into their shells, llk
a turtle, and live to themselves.
"Take my tip. the windows of a thun
dering lot of souls look out on the back
alley. Ajid you'll find this the cat)
usually with the misguided duhs who as
they Journey along the path of life, fall
to do any living along the way. For my
part. I'm going to keep my soul lit up
by having a bay-window opening on the
park and keeping the shades rolled up to
the top. and take It from me, while I m
plugging along the palh of life. I'm going
to live by the way. No empty husk of
an existence and a crabbed old age for
mine. Not on your life."
A Russian Beauty Farm.
Woman's L.lfe.
a woaltviv Russian noticed that . many
of the' recruits in the Russo-Turklsh war
were Inferior in physique. He according
ly established what really Is a beaut
farm. He employs on his estate only the
h.nrf.n,(.st and healthiest villagers. These
he encourages to enter upon matrimony by
free grants or land, payment ni an
riage fees and an annuity of 50 rubles a
year for every child born. Since the In
stitution of this farm 40 model marriag-s
have taken place and more than 100 chil
dren have been born.
Frogs Aftec Chicken-Pie.
Tork Cor. Philadelphia Record.
Mrs. Caroline Ferguson, living near
Margaretta Furnace, had for some
time been missing young chickens.
Near the house is a pond and Mrs.
Ferguson declares that she saw a frog
leap from the water, catch a chick
which had strayed near, and leap bacic
again with it. The pond has since
been drained and every frog, a dozen
or more slain. Now no more chicks
are missed.
A hotel is bping built at Berlin which
will be the largest in the world.