THE SUSPAY OREGOXIAN, PORTLAND, SEPTE3IBEB 6, 1908.
V
4
v.
V
OT did the main guys do with
them young fellers np to the
Point that got fired out for
haaln'T" Inquired the House Detective
of the St. Reckless.
"I don't think it's been settled yet"
answered the Hotel Clerk. "At last
accounts nothing had happened since
Teddy said Loeb and Wright were liars
If they said he said what he said and
they said it was Just like what he
said. The noble young cadets who'd
made tobasco sauce and unstewed
prunes such popular articles of diet
among their fellow students were still
hanging around waiting to be rein
stated and In the meantime thinking
up a few new things to brighten up
the tiresome menu of the plebes, such
as raw oysters with sugar and cream
on 'tm. And down at the edge of the
reservation was a promising brood of
red ants that looked as If they'd prob
ably be ripe enough to pick by early
Fall."
"D'ye a'pose the lads'U git back
finally?" asked the House Detective.
They will. If the best traditions of
the academy are to be preserved, said
the Hotel Clerk. "From what I've
been able to gather It's deemed nec
essary to feed the future commanders-in-chief
of the land forces of the
United States large quantities of In
salubrious articles while they're ac
quiring their military education. If
any such there be, so they'll wear the
proper look on their haughty young
faces after they're graduated and are
leading the german at an array post
bop on almost half as much salary as
a union paperhanger gets. Every time
I see a young second lieutenant -with
a 22-lnch waist and a Harrison Fisher
figure going around, bent back at an
angle of 45 degrees and gazing at
mere civilians with an expression of
countenance as if he'd eaten something
that hadn't agreed with him and never
would. I feel certain in my own mind
that here's one who took the full
course at the Point inscead of being
appointed from civil life on the
strength of the fact that his father
stood in with a Senator and he couldn't
earn a living in a store.
"At the same time I've got a sneak
ing notion that they did things differ
ent in the old days, when some of the
persons who were subsequently men
tioned in connection with the Big War
were getting their training. Back yon-'
der in 1849 or thereabouts if any In
genuous young upper classman had
urged William Tecumseh Sherman to
swallow a couple of gallons of the
Hudson River, garnished with chew
ing tobacco and cooking soda, and then
to stand on his head and recite "Min
nehaha, Laughing Water' with the
proper feeling and emphasis. 111 bet
you that William T. would not only
hare played horse with htm. but he'd
a-played a whole troupe of performing
horses with him, and a trick mule or
two, and maybe a cute spotted pony.
In my mind's eye I have a picture of
the party who subsequently marched
through Georgia spreading that upper
classman out nice and flat like one of
those deep sea waffles known as a
flounder, and then, not caring for him
the way he looked as a salt water
buckwheat rake, rolling him together
BT JIM NASTrM.
jj"CE got three offers of good Jobs."
I said the young man Just out of col-
lege to the Old Sport, "and as
you've been through the mill. I'd like
rou to give me a few tips. I'm a new
beginner In bucking the world, but as
soon as the business world gets wise
to who my folks were I think my name
m ill command respect and give me con
liderable prestige to start In with. My
father's name was one of the best
known in banking circles and he was
the shrewdest financier of the age, and
my ancestors all the way back were
of blue blood and prominent figures In
their time. I think this should be
enough recommendation to show that I
will be there with the goods if given
the opportunity, but a few tips from
you may help me a little at the start."
"Well," replied the Old Sport Tve
no doubt that a few tips from me will
put you hep to a few things that you'll
butt into when you go out to stab the
world In the face if you'll only plant
them in your roof garden and give
them a chance to sprout a little. But
let me tell you that I know you kids
who have Just beat It out of the knowl
edge factory, and" I know blamed well
that you're not liable to break i leg
trying to get your hooks on a wad of
advice when you see it lying around
loose. You kids who are handed a roll
of sheepskin and dumped out of the
knowledge factory most all hug the
dope that the great throbbing world
is standing with bated breath waiting
to hear your opinion of the questions
of the day, and you never get wise till
a little good practical common sense
Is hammered into your educated knowl
edge boxes with the club of experience.
"There's many a guy who has spent
the heyday of his existence laying in a
supply of expensive experience, and
has been benevolent and charitable
enough to hand it to posterity to save
the rising generation -from being left
at the post But posterity seldom uses
it They seem to prefer going out and
purchasing their own experience. Ex
perience that doesn't cost a hundred a
chunk Isn't considered much of a com
modity by the rising generation. Now,
Kid. If you're one of these guys, I don't
care to use up the oxygen in this office
by handing you something you won't
use. and you can leave the door open
as you go out In order to replace what
I have already used."
"My dear sir." replied the college
youth, "if I hadn't wanted your advice
I wouldn't have asked for it. As I
have said, I come from a line of ances
tors who have made their mark in the
world by their shrewdness and Intelli
gence, and I have enough of their com
mon sense in my veins to appreciate
good advice when I get it Blood will
tell, and It is my opinion that men are
born to their destinies. I believe that
men of rank are born and not made,
and. therefore, my future success is as
sured." "Well," replied the Old Sport "take
It from me that if you don't show more
common sense when you butt into the
business world than you have in the
brief time In which I have been afflict
ed with your presence, you'll be both
borrl and made. You'll be borne out of
your office by the nape of the neck
and made to travel up the street as
fast as your little hexameters will
carry you.
"Now, Kid. don't think I'm a crab,
but you know you can take medicine a
blamed sight better with vinegar than
you can with sugar. The first tip I ,
even as a scroll, and tying his Insteps
around his forehead in a true love
knot and otherwise make hirn look
like something that Frolicsome Fld
the fox terrier, had been playing with
under the front steps.
"And I never recall having heard that
Albert Sidney Johnston used to travel up
and down the company street on his
stomach like a poached egg at the re
quest of another cadet who enjoyed the
right to give the command on account
of his parents having gotten married one
year earlier than Albert Sidney's did. It
would have taken Al, the plebe. about
three minutes, not more, to peel, core,
pare, slice and eat him.
"In those ancient times Robert E. Lee
and U. S. Grant and Simon Boliver Buek
ner and a few others whose names you
may have caught in casual conversation,
were putting the finishing touches on
their graduation year by hiking out
across the staked plains, getting them
selves shot up with quarts, moss-agate
and plain flint arrow heads, and engaging
In chance conflict every few minutes with
passels of roan-colored strangers who
were dressed principally In their own and
other people's hair.
"And yet even the most zealous advo
cates of the present system of keying
up the young cadet by poisoning hlra
will admit that they succeeded In turn
ing out some pretty fair scrappers In the
old days at the Point I may be wrong,
Larry, but I've got a half concealed be
lief that any rising young American
who'll blithely chase himself about with
100 of the No. 1 grade, hand-picked, hard
red Winter, or harvest ants under his hat
because some other lad told him to.
hasn't got much under the aforesaid hat
except the above-mentioned ants.
"Still at that I suppose these combina
tions of New Orleans molasses with
gherkin pickles and English mustard for
a light breakfast and these brisk sorrel
Insects with six or more legs and pinch
ers like a pair of ice-hooks, for the
recreation hour on the campus, all go to
make up a modern military education.
It's- like everything else in this age of
progress. Fifteen or 20 years ago they
say a y;oung woman could go along very
comfortably in the best society If she
didn't have any Pllmsoll marks on her
front teeth and did her hair up at the
customary Intervals. The olothes she
wore didn't make so very much differ
ence, so long as there were enough of
them at one time. A young woman
stepped from the schoolgirl stage into
her chosen sphere in society without
dropping her father in the bankruptcy
court on the way. At least, so I'm given
to understand. But now It's different.
A debutante who gets her start with les
than 1300,000 worth of portable equipment
would feel considerable like a domlnecker
pullet In a parrot cage. If you believe
the Sunday papers and If you can't be
lieve them, what In heaven's name can
you believe? the expense of launching
an 18-year-old girl Into the Inside set
Is not quite as much as It costs for a de
fense of wealthy paranoia In a murder
rase where the defendant has money In
Pittsburg, but considerably more than
the outlay for building a gunboat of the
Dubuque type. I was reading here the
other day about one of the biggest debuts
of the coming Fall. The young woman
who's going to debut will have more fit
tings than an armored cruiser. There was
one Incidental Item of Sn pains of shoes.
f OF
Atbeir age, , .
Uirorrr fatah?- r
I D WAV UP TCOSAD UfT) O
Ytt?0.D. I BUT N
lp .. GO HOME AMD -I p, w?
T J SEND You.t , VUY
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TmmraELD-i)OL5-wi,m:r'
want to land you is that you're start
ing in wrong the first crack out of the
box. You're going out to stab the
world in the face with your family
tree. Don't get it into your knot for
a minute that the great throbbing
world of business is going to fall off
its pins when they whisper your name
along the street, because this practical
old dump of a world doesn't give a
continental cuss who your ancestors
were. You'll blamed soon find that
your employer is a thundering lot more
Interested In what kind of a son your
father has than In what kind of a
father you've got and he Isn't caring
much whether your ancestors came
over In the Mayflower or paddled
across the Behrlng Strait In a dugout
"Family trees are a thundering lot
like a potato plant, the best part of
which is under the trround. Take it
from me, the accident of birth has
never yet made a man. It Isn't enough
to be a son of somebody, you've got to
be somebody yourself. Your family
tree may cause the sap-headed world of
society to hit the brussels with its
You'd thing there was a pronounced
strain of centipede running through the
family. There was also a picture of the
fortunate young person wearing her prin
cipal or grand entry lid. , Tou knew she
was wearing It because you could dis
tinctly see part of her under it. Judging
by the picture, she was one of those reg
ular millionaire's daughters with the
fashionable absence of expression that
will be so much worn this year, but the
hat was all to the French dressing, 'if I
may use the term. It has a center-pole
and a hippodrome track around the outer
rim and a superstructure and many other
features. I've forgotten the Paris name
for it. but I suppose a person talktng
United States would be safe in calling it
a Rlngllng Brothers three rings and an
elevated stage on a vacant lot
And you may have noticed some of
these tender lamb stews with young
vegetables that are being turned out
by the colleges and allowed to vote
Just the same, as' If they were human
beings. I wonder how many hard-
J o
VP i El ' V 1
IN WHICH HE HANDS
THE-INDlYlDUAL-MD-NQT-mFAniLY.
knee caps, but when you start to splat
ter your pedigree around a business
Joint, you'll blamed soon find that it's
the Individual and not the family that
the business world deals with. This
practical section of existence Is hep to
the fact that the best crops often
spring from the rottenest soil, and It's
a blamed sight more credit to be a
daisy blooming on a back lot than a
ragweed in a flower garden.
"Now, if you take my tip. Kid, you'll
keep mum about your ancestors and
your blue blood. Take it from me, blue
blood and a long pedigree isn't in it
with gray matter and a stiff upper lip.
If it were, this little old United States
would have been a flash In the pan
in the Revolutionary period and the
Declaration of Independence would
have been a Joke. The kid who tries
to use the trunk of his family tree as
a battering ram to bust into the bus
iness world is mighty apt to get it
put all over him by some gutter snipe
who was weaned on cigar butts and
cut his milk teeth on the curb stone
and had bis education bumped Into his
worked fathers there are scattered
along the Eastern seaboard at this
moment saving up to pay the college
education of a fascinating lad whose
crowning ambition in life is to sing
tenor In a college glee club and smoke
monogram cigarettes with the mono
gram side turned prominently teward
the opposite side of the street.
"As for our leading murders, we're
constantly adding modern Improve-
THE COLLEGE GRADUATES A
'ToU-TIIM'TItAT-YDUR-BEl
system by coming In contact with the
world. You- can take my tip that blue
blood Is a mighty thin composition to
stand on if you expect to reach any
thing high up.
"Now that we've waded through that
art of your lesson. Kid, I want to
hand you the tip to be a sport Be a
good loser and you'll stand a blamed
sight better chance of being a frequent
winner. Any dub can be a cheerful
winner, but if he can't scare up a smile
when he gets up against it it'll be all
day with him the first time he butts
Into a slump. It takes Just as much
good sporting blood to succeed in the
business world as it does in the sport
ing world, and the good sport is al
ways a good loser.- That's where sport
ing blood has your blue blood skinned
to a frazzle.
"Take It from me. Kid, no great suc
cess was ever built of successes alone.
You've got to have a few failures mixed
in to give it backbone or It won't
stand. And the kid who keeps plug
ging and doesn't get It into his knot
that he is going to take the count when
iS
H5WT0 1
, MAKETHrsl
THE MODERN
ments to them. Once upon a time
when a hot-headed gentleman fell out
with another gentleman over the prop
osition of wives, he didn't seek ven
geance, accompanied by a uniformed
brass band and orchestra Before the
deed was done, and quite often after
it was done, he stepped around like one
of those trained nurses with felt-soled
slippers on In a sanitarium for nervous
wrecks: and If he could catch the other
FEW WORDS OF WISDOM.
4TICK5 - 0M - flNWJAW
he gets a slam' In the slats Is the one
who is going to be on his feet when
the bell rings. Make up your mind that
you're not going to have the hardest
of the wollops all the time and come
back with a grin on your mug when
some guy sticks one on your Jaw that
has you groggy and hanging on to the
ropes. It's the guy who doesn't know
when he is licked that never gets
licked, and the kind of blood that tells
in this old dump of a world is sporting
blood. And I don't give a continental
cuss whether you're a banker or a,
prize fighter, the spirit that makes for
success is the same.
"If you are willing to give some oth
er guy the worst of it never kick when
you get the worst of it yourself. That's
what it means to be a good sport
"And another thing, Kid, don't get It
into your knot that you can win out
Just because you're in the right Take
my tip, that old dope that 'thrice armed
is he whose cause Is Just' doesn't cut
any ice in this practical age. The wise
guy of today knows that once armed
is enough, and he'll sail In and put it
, VrfEU,HE STUNG 0
MEWrTHATDEAtA V CA
AND rfa DOWN v' .
AND "OUT fQRflE.. ' . ffiffiSfaZb
iemxEUCALLtT 1 jy
IWM.GET ' p ilf'l
jnwr flirt Wl Qtl
fellow climbing over the back fence
with his shoes In his hand, so much
the better. But at this time any hus
band of Importance would scorn to de
stroy his foe without noise or excite
ment The subdued way of fattening
the homicide average Is as old-fashioned
as a marble mantel. Among the
best families it's considered very, very
de trow unless you seek out the gen
tleman against whom you feel a pique
on a roof garden or at a yacht-club re
gatta or an old-home week or some
equally large social function and shoot
the tar and other naval stores out of
him with an automatic Maxim in the
presence of a large crowd whose names
will attract attention If printed well
up near the top of the first column.
No murder is a success any more un
less' you have an Among-Those-Present
following along after your Dead and
Wounded.
"Back In the times when trie Rogers
Brothers were In the statuary business
Instead of musical comedy, If we went
to a vaudeville entertainment only we
didn't call It by that name then we'd
be satisfied with a sisters act, and a
gifted party in pink tights with large
knotted leg muaclea doing things on
the horizontal bar, and a Juggler who
didn't break more' than half of the
plates, and a couple of talented musi
cians who performed Oh-llsten-to-the-mocklng-blrd-
for-the- mocklng-blrd-ls-slnging
-in - the- wlldwood-sweet-Hallle
on the toothsome xylophone and then
by dipping their finger tips In resin
and rubbing them on the rims of a
row of damp ttfmblers, gave a lifelike
and realistic imitation of the sound
produced by dipping the fingers In resin
and rubbing them oh the rime of a row
of damp tumblers. But this year we
have to have everything that's too good
or too bad for tragedy, comedy, the
drama, the trained animal show and
the disrobing room of the ladies' de
partment of a Turkish bath, the theory
being that anything we shouldn't stand
for we'll sit through.
"We're Just afc progressive lit the
food line. Possibly out in the heart of
the deep wood the peasantry may still
consume food that's been done by hand,
but in the great throbbing, hurried life
of the teeming city we have no time
for anything except the intensified
methods of producing fodder for the
human face. I'll bet it's been years,
Larry, since you saw a home-grown
pie They run off our pies for us on
a cylinder press, a huckleberry edition
or a lemon meringue edition or a sport
ing extra custard, as the case may be;
and the peculiar prison pallor common
to all pies Is imparted by means of
talcum powder and a mechanical
bleaching apparatus. You can always
tell the difference by the underneath
crust which tastes like the sweatband
of an old straw hat
"So I guess, all things considered.
rzVTl Tl TNT i
- Mci - TQlI - GRQ6raiID -
all over you while you're mixed up with
your weapons. Take It from me, this
is the day of the man with the punch,
and he doesn't need to be over particu
lar whether his cause is Just or not
"These little chunks of sentiment are
all right to shove into your think tank
in your school days, but when you go
out to stab the world In the face what
you want is a little practical knowl
edge of what you are up against. These
wads of dope that I'm handing you may
not be the proper bits of sentiment
to sling around the Infant class in the
Sunday-school, but you can take it
from me that they have the situation
sized up about right, and, while a lit
tle shy on sentiment, are right there
with the facts.
"Before you've bumped around this
old dump of a world very long you'll
soon get hep to the fact that a thun
dering lot of the wads of wisdom that
were handed you in the knowledge fac
tory are intended merely for ornamen
tal purposes. They're mighty nice
things to hang up in your garret to set
off the interior and lend a chaste and
mi Wa
VifH A
fi. WAIST
ANt A HARRISON
V r iCO R.tr .
we ought to bear with those bad little
boys that've been naughty up at West
Point. They'ne only following the bent
of a generation that is ever striving
for the new and the unique and the
progressive. And, anyway, say what .
you please about our National Military
Academy, but In recent years it's
turned out some of the best hands at
thinking up cotillion figures that the
world has ever seen. Harry Lehr's got
nothing on those lads when It comes to
tactics."
"But suppose a .war wuz to break
out," said the House Detective.
"Where'd the army be with a lot of
little wasp-walsted chaps running
things?"
"The army'll do very well as long as
so many husky enlisted men keep on;
rising from the ranks," said the Hotel ;
Clerk, "and the West Pointers will '
come In handy for the war balloons.'
We'll he able to send such a lot of,
them along on one trip." .
artistic appearance to the surround
ings, but If you try to make any prac
tical use of them down in the kitchen
you'll blamed soon find out that they
won't stand the racket.
"That's the great trouble with a
thundering lot of you kids. When
you're dumped out of the knowledge
factory you think that your roll of
sheepskin Is a through ticket to suc
cess. But take my tip, the kid who Is
traveling on a college education alone
is going to be side-tracked at a flag
'station when the limited express to
fame whizzes past.
"No, Kid, you've got to hammer your
college education into shape with the
club of experience and season It pretty
well with common sense, or It won't
cut enough ice in the business world to
cool the beer In Carrie Nation's re
frigerator. "That'll be about all for this sessslon
now, Kid, school Is out. But if you
Just let this dope filter through the
chinks in your garret It will help you
a thundering lot. Forget your blue
blood and Inject a little sporting blood
Into your veins, and I'll place a bet on
you In the race for success. Put it
there, Kid, and good-bye."
Stamp Changes In India.
Denver Republican.
Sanction has been given for the aboli
tion of the double-headed stamps now
used for telegrams in India. Ordinarily
postage stamps are to be employed for
prepaid telegrams, and receipts will be
given for messages. There will thus be
one class of stamp only for postal, in
land revenue and telegraphic purposes, a
reform which will be most acceptable to
the commercial community and the gen
eral public.
Rhapsody on a DoK's Intelligence.
Burgess Johnson. In Harper's Weekly.
Dear do, that seems to stand and gravely
brood
Vpon th brdad veranda of our home.
With soulful eyes that case Into the
(loam.
With speaking tall that reclsters thy mood.
Men sny thou hast no ratiocination
Methinks there Is a clever imitation.
Men say again thy kindred have no souls.
And sin Is hut an attribute o man;
Say, is It 'chance alone that bids thee,
then.
Choose only garden spots for digging holes?
Why dost thou filch some fragment of
the cooking
At times -when no one seemeth to be look
ing? Was there an early Adsm of thy rare,
And brindled Eve, the mother of thy
house.
Who shared some purloined chicken with
her spouse.
Thus causing all thy tribe to fall from
grace?
If fleas dwelt In the garden of that Adam
Perhaps thy sinless parents never had "em.
This morn thou cam'st a-sllnklng through
the door.
Avoiding eyes, and some dark corner
sought.
And though no accusation filled our
thought,
Thy tall, apologetic, thumped the floor.
Who claims thou hast no conscience
' argues vainly.
For I have sesn its symptoms very
plainly.
What loads thee to forsake thy board and
bed
On days that are devoted to thy bath?
For, If it is not reason, yet it hath
Appearance of desire to plan ahead!
The sage tvho claims thy brain and soul
be wizen
Would do quite well to swap thy head for '
bun.
vith a ;
22tl. WAIST O
ANt A HARRISON