THE SUNDAY OREGOSI&y. PORTLAND. AUGUST 23, 1903. -
" -
0(S0TC EMOW
p ELL. how'i the campaign git-
tin' started?" asked the
House Detective of the St.
Rscklass.
"She's starting; off on a noble and
lofty plane such aa befits a contest for
a place that many regard as only sec
ond In Importance to leading the Na
tional League In batting," said the
Hotel Clerk. "In the Ides of October,
along; about the second week of said
Ides. It'll be Donlln or Wagner, and In
the Ides of November It'll be Taft or
Bryan, exoept In the Hearst papers,
where It'll be Hlsgen and loud cries
for a recount. So she'll be pitched on
a high standard, Larry, this campaign
tIIL The watchwords of the day will
"be Dignity, Publicity and Gumshoes.
Both sides are going to publish their
list of campaign contributors Just aa
soon as they've spent the contributions,
every forward or sidestep by the nom
inees will be marked by a strict dignity
that Is rare In the heat of a race for po
litical preferment and the treasurers of
the National committees are going to
tread softly and wear goloshes.
There'll be .none of these cheap
spectacular schemes for attracting the
popular fancy, Larry. I'm In position
to say positively that there's not a
scintilla of troth In the report that
Kern wants to bet a clean shava
against a close hair cut by Tom Wat
son on the general result In West Vir
ginia. The story that Taft's going to
offer to roll a peanut up Broadway
from Twenty-third street to Forty-second
with a wooden toothpick If he
doesn't get more votes than Bryan In
Baraboo, Wis., providing Bryan'll ride
him the same distance In a wheelbar
row If he does. Is also a gross false
t nood. from what I can hear.
"Mr. Preston, the Presidential can
i didate of the Labor Socialists on the
platform. There's another side to
every question, but mine was homi
cide,' says he will remain quietly at
sis present location, keeping regular
hours and making no speeches outside.
The warden says he will. too
"Mr. John Temple Graves denies the
statement that he will tour the cotton
states with the same troupe of Jubilee
singers who made such a pronounced
hit laat year while traveling over the
same territory with the outfit handling
'Connum's Straightine: It Removes the
Klnka.' And, anyway, he wouldn't need
em he'll have Mr. Hearst along.
"It's the same all the way down the
line. If anybody still thinks Mr. Eu
gene Debs Is going to try to hold the
attention of the masses by going
around bareheaded, with the words
This Space Reserved' on his dome, and
BT JIM NASIUM.
ELL," cald the grouch, after
listening to the fanning bee
in the hotel corridor, "this
porting game might be a very pleas
ant diversion and all that, but I don't
see that It Is doing a lot of good for
the country and the business world in
general. When I see 10,000 men com
ing out of the ball park In the eve
ning and see my clerks grabbing the
morning paper to read the scores and
putting in the whole Summer talking
baseball and fishing trips, I can't help
thinking about the great amount of
work that la being neglected through
out the country and how much bet
ter off the world would be If we had
to plug along without sports. Think
of the rast amount of good that could
be accomplished In the time that Is
devoted to sports and recreation."
"Well, friend," replied the Old Sport.
Tve listened to a good deal of slush
like that In my time, and let me tell
you that I've usually found that sort
of slush slipping off the roof of some
guy who Is getting a thundering lot
cf good out of sports, but hasn't got
the perception stored up In his garret
to appreciate the fact. From the gab
you hand out, I take it that you are
T
, I
CONDITION WHEN RE IWFIJE
MMBOIJT-(11PPO-D
1
then come out on the night before
election with the slogan of his cause
emblazoned In those phosphorescent
letters across the expanse If anybody
thinks so, simply because Mr. Debs has
got that sort of a dome, why, he's mis
taken, that's all.
"And the gentleman who's running
on the Prohibition ticket with the em
blem of the full dinner pall, only It's
full of well water or maybe It's a
lady who Is running on that ticket,
but. anyway. It make no difference
he or she, as the case may be. will
positively refuse to take part In any
amateur minstrels given by the Order
of Eagles, In the hope of winning a
few votes from that source.
"To be sure, I believe the candidate
of the Republican party has been made
an honorary member of the Interna
tional Brotherhood of Steam and Food.
Shovelers, and there's strong talk that
the Amalgamated Piano and Safe Mov
ers of North America will confer their
ritual on him Just as soon as they can
rig a derrick put of the front lodge
room window and get a permit from
the city for the uee of the sidewalk
while raising the candidate to this im
pressive degree. If they put It through
It'll shove Big Bill a few laps ahead
of his most prominent opponent, who's
done nothing very notable In this line
during the laat few weeks, except he
was initiated Into a secret order of
commercial travelers, or drummers, If
you don't care whether you hurt their
feelings, and rode a goat. The paper
didn't say whose goat It was, but I
presume 'twas Governor Johnson's, or
maybe Colonel Watterson's. But no
doubt he rode with great .dignity be
cause. Just as I've been telling you,
this is an exalted and dignified cam
paign." "A lot of fellers is sayln" in the
paper that this is goin' to be a fight
of the West ag"In the East," suggested
the House Detective.
"I hope not," said the Hotel Clerk,
"I sincerely hope not. Nobody, Larry,
but a traitor or some guy out beyond
the Alleghanles who had his money
tied up In a New York bank last Win
ter would dare to try to draw a hostile
line between two great sections of our
country that are so dependent upon
each other as the East and the West,
especially from the East. It's from the
East that the great Weet gets Its pan
ics. Its musical comedies and Its cor
rect styles In gents' furnishing goods,
while from the West we of the East
draw our foodstuffs, our grain, our do
mestic bottled beer, our Dakota di
vorces and most of our poets. If the
an. employer of men, and take it from
me. If you'll Just keep your eye peeled
on results In your office and not waste
so thundering much mental effort
thinking about the employes who are
putting in a little of your time talk
ing about baseball and fishing trips,
you'll soon find that the men who are
Interested in these things accomplish
more with less effort than the molly
coddle dubs who are working their
blocks off and haven't got time for
sports.
"Now, friend, you've probably
handled a lot more men than I have,
but I'm going to hand you a tip any
way. Take It from me, you can't put
a time clock on a man's brains. One
man's brains may accomplish more In
two minutes than another guy could
grind out in a lifetime, yet a lot of
you stiffs insist on handing out the
credit according to the time spent on
the Job. Let me tell you that the guy
who is interested In something else
besides his work and sets the wheels
In his conning tower grinding on other
grist Is a blamed right more apt to
pull off .something that will make the
world sit up and take notice than the
dub who plugs along on the same old
track. The wise guy who handed out
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East excels In the production of slang,
It's the West that turns out the noblest
cuss words.
"An Easterner wraps a strap around
the portion of scrambled money that
he's been able to take away from the
busy marts of trade, as the poet says,
and goes out West and with it he buys
a quantity of a hole in the ground
under the Impression that it's a gold
mine. And then the bluff and rugged
Westerner who owned the- mine and
more bluff than rug If anybody should
happen to inquire why, he bundles up
the proceeds of the deal and catches
the first train East and kises it good
that dope' that 'all work and no play
makes Jack a dull boy," hit the right
muse, all right.
"As to the amount of good that
sports are doing the world, you can
take my tip that there Is no more com
plete mental diversion than rough
manly sports, and I've a good-sized
hunch that this old dump of a world
Is getting just about as much real
benefit out of the time spent in mental
diversion as It is out of the time put
In over the desk and in the workshop.
I know blamed well that if I was
hiring a man I'd a blamed sight rather
have a fresh brain on the Job for three
hours a day than a worn-out mass of
flabby matter for twelve. And I know
that my affairs would get a blamed
sight better attention If they were
looked after by a healthy man for
eleven months tn the year and forgot
ten entirely for the other month, while
he burled himself In the wilderness and
cracked his shins in the forest prime
val or planted himself in the scenery
by the side of some wet spot and gave
his entire mental attention to outwit
ting the finny tribe, than they would
be If they were never out of the mind
of some skinny shrimp of a nervous
wreck for twelve months in the year.
"No, friend, take it from me that this
little old dump of Uncle Sam's would
have been groggy and hanging onto
the ropes long ago If it wasn't for
the energy that has been piled up on
baseball lots, the mental diversion that
has been absorbed through the hard
boards of the bleachers, and the think
ing that has been done at the butt end
of a fishing-pole. If you'll Just trim
your lamps on the guys who are pull
ing off the stunts that are worthy of
notice you'll blamed soon get hep to
the dopo that the powers of mental
concentration are possessed by the
guys who have in the greatest mea
sure the powers of mental relaxation.
And you can take it from me that one
is Just as important to a great work as
the other. You can't run an engine
on forced draught any length of time
without busting something.
"And right there, friend, is where
sports get on the Job and do a blamed
sight more that benefits the country
and the business world than a lot of
you money-grubbing old pirates ever
dream of. If you Just keep your eye
peeled as you plug along through this
old dump of a world you'll notice that
the guy who hits the office in the
morning and wades Into his work like
a hungry hobo into a square meal is
the same guy who is spending a por
tion of his afternoons at the ball
grounds or out on the tennis courts or
in a cross-country spin in his smell
wagon." Then you don't believe what Shakes
peare says about 'toiling upward In the
night?" asked the grouch.
"Well." replied the Old Sport, "that
dope of Bill Shakespeare's is all right
to shove into a kid In his village school
days, but when you hit the real Job in
your life's work you blamed soon find
out that two' hours of concentrated
effort has twenty hours of half-hearted
work skinned to a frazzle for results.
Give me the guy who is all work for
four hours a day and all play for the
rest, and I'll stack him against an army
of time-clock plodders.
"Now, here's another thing. We get
a lot of sluab. imjw at us. a&ouj men,
. ;
IN WHICH HE HANDS THE GROUCH A LITTLE DOPE ON THE VALUE OP SPORTS.
- i '
bye, along with -a lot more, down in
that quiet Eastern watering-place
known as Wall street. . And so it goes
back and forth. In constant circula
tion, with all concerned being done
good, until finally John D. gets It and
uses It to endow a Western university
full of Eastern professors.
"As between the Eaet and the West,
Larry, It's always been a gamie of give
and take, and we here in the East are
perfectly willing to go on taking as
long as those in the West can be in
duced to go on giving. Any person, be
he h.igh' or low, who for the sake of a
temporary political advantage would
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DffM-inD-IN-fflYmGE-aQIOOL-ra:
dying of nervous prostration from over
work, and let me tell you that it is the
biggest bunk ever dealt off the pack.
What a guy does during office hours
never killed anybody. It's what he does
or doesn't do after office hours. The
guy who yells his block off from the
bleachers every afternoon may bust his
larnyx or die of "vocal paralysis, but
you'll never see any death notices of his
labeled with nervous prostration from
overwork. And the guy who passes up
the market reports in the morning paper
to read the sporting page while riding
down town on the car Is going to be in
a blamed sight better mental condition
when be hits the office than the guy
who Is worrying about Amalgamated
Copper dropping two points during the
night.
"I know that there's a thundering lot
of time wasted on sports, but you can
take my tip that there's a blamed sight
more wasted on work. Work without
concentration is wasted effort, and if
two hours' diversion in sports will secure
four hours' concentration on work, it's
a blamed good Investment. If a lot of
you old stiffs would get the baseball
habit or close up shop for a month and
hit the trail to the wllderenss you can
take It from me that you'd be a blamed
sight more valuable ornament to the
world. If a lot of you guys would get
out in the woods alone occasionally you'd
blamed soon find out how small a por
tion of creation you really are, and it
would do you a thundering lot of good.
"Getting back to your literary dope,
you know what old Lowell said: 'By all
means sometimes be alone; salute
thyself, see what thy soul doth wear.'
And yo can take my tip that If a lot
of you guys beat it to the bush and
looked yourself over you'd find that your
souls aren't wearing enough to keep
them warmed up even in dog-days.
There are too blamed many souls bum
ming around through this old dump of a
world in clothing that is frayed at the
cults and. worn threadbare) in the seating
nun
OKG OF THE
CANDIDATES
HA sJOINE3D
SOCIETV
seek to- disrupt these pleasant rela
tions Is a dastard, or else he hasn't
got his yet. We're the same people
arid the same blood. A 'Society lady
belonging to one of the best coal oil,
sugar and railroad families smoked a
cigarette In public at Newport the
other day without creating any com
ment worth speaking of and out in Ar
kansas other ladles have been dipping
snuff for years and nobody eaid a word
about It. East -and West we're the
same common strain, although I'm not
denying that in places it seems com-
capacity, and a good plaoe to look over
the soul's wardrobe and do a little patch
ing and mending is on one of these fish
ing excursions that you're kicking about
your clerks wasting their time over.
"I'll gamble that if a lot of you guys
ever took a chance and followed Low
ell's advice you'd find that your soul
wasn't wearing enough to keep out of
the clutches of Anthony Comstock if it
appeared in public. The trouble with a
lot of you guys who haven't any sport
ing blood running through your veins
is that you dress your souls up in their
glad rags for public inspection, but
when they're at home they loaf around
In clothing that would make a cheese
cloth kimono look like a storm overcoat
In comparison. Take my tip. a little
good red sporting blood pumped into
your veins will do a thundering lot to
keep your soul warmed up.
"When it comes right down to cases
on the National value of sports, if you'll
Just dig Into the musty pages of past
history you'll blamed soon strike pay
dirt. You'll 'then get next to the fact
that athletic and sport-loving nations
have always made the pace in this old
dump of a world ever Blnce it first be
gan to do business. From, Jhe early
Roman gladiators right down through
the pages of history to Jim Jeffries
and Battling Nelson, you'll find that the
nations that were there with the goods
In athletics1 and sports have always had
the rest of the world chased clear under
the table. And from Spartacus and Aris
totle down to Carrie Nation and William
Jennings Bryan, you'll find that brain
and brawn have moved through the ages
hand in hand. The nations that have
copped the glory In sports have always
been there with the brain goods.
"And getting down to the individual,
friend, take it from me that you'll never
find the guy who seeks mental diversion
In athletic sport sneaking Into his hall
bedroom when he butts In to a slump in
the business world, to lock the door with
the night latch, ram the bed-sheet into
the chinks, plug up the keyhole and blow
out the gas. He is never the grouch who
peddles around knocks and spends his
life down in the cellar waddling In the
slough of despond. He isn't the guy we
near spitting out the gab about everybody.
FSJW THE
it
moner than others, and uniting in our
veins, as we do, the blood of the cav
alier, the Puritan,, the pilgrim, the
Irish, the Scotch-Irish, or hot Scotch,
the plain Scotch who Is a party that
takes off his pants once a year and
goes to a Caledonian picnic the Swede,
the German, the Gaul, the gall blad
deM the Pole, the Piker and the OJib
way, the men of the East desire only
to go on standing shoulder to shoulder
with the men of the West, always
ready as ever to give 'em the ham
merlock the first good chance. From
the .boundless plains of the West we
get the noble .young orator who
speaks of his constituents as mah
peepul' in a tone of voice calculated
to make you think he'd adopted 'em
out of an orphan asylum and raised
"em on the bottle, while to the teem
ing cities of the East we must look
for the practical statesman who's a si
lent Sweeney when It comes to elo
quence, but has converted the art of
holding, a municipal election Into an
exact science. If it was the West that
gave us James Ham Lewis, the only
man in the world that can etrut sit
ting down, it is the East that has con
tributed to American civilization Fingy
Connors and the gentlemen who built
the Pennsylvania State Capitol. And
that's the way it goes.
"No. Larry. I'm hopeful that this
r stuff about the West being opposed to
the East Is only one of those campaign
lies that will be hurled, back into the
teeth of the enemy to his country who
first gave it birth. It's pretty near
time, anyhow, for the boomerang to
mate with the roorback and replenish
the earth with a large brood of those
pale-yellow calumnies that spring up
every four years, only to be hurled
back into somebody's front teeth and
live happily ever after.
"But, whether it's a lie or not, I'm
not going to permit myself to get all
worked up, with the election still more
than three months off and the hot
weather hanging on the way it is.
There'll be time enough 60 or 90 days
from now to become embittered and
offer to bet your nearest friend seven
million dollars that Taft can't carry
Indiana because you saw a letter from
a traveling man that laid over the
other Sunday In Terre Haute and got a
trying to do him; he doesn't waste away
the sunshine of his existence about a lot
of troubles that never happen, and they
naver have to fish him out of the river
and stick him in a glass case up at the
morgue to await identification. Not on
your life. You'll find that these stunts
are -usually pulled eft by the crab who
hasn't, got time to waete on sports."
"H-mm." said the grouch, "your argu
ment may look all right from your point
of view, but from my side of the question
I can't see it."
"No man can fairly Judge a question
until he has looked at both sides of it and
kicked a hole through me shell to see the
interior," replied the Old Sport, "and let
me tell you that I've waded all through
this one and know what I'm talking
about. I'll gamble that you've never been
to a ball game in your life, and I'll bet a
dollar to a doughnut that your kid days
were plugged so full of musty books and
pampered home Ideals that the mysteries
of throwing an out-curve or capturing the
festive chipmunk were too small a mat
ter for you to waste your time on. Be
lieve me, friend, you have my slncerest
sympathy, as a man is not to blame for
the neglect of his early education. Take
it from me, the goody-goody boy is going
to grow up into a namby-pamby man, and
the kid who has waded through the hal
cyon days of his youth tied to his moth
er's apron string is going to have ' a
mighty short-sighted view of the world
when he grows up. The kid who scraps
every day with the town bully and spends
his evenings stealing melons out of his
neighbor's truck patch can carry my
money when he stacks up against tho Lit
tle Lord Fauntleroy after they hustle out
to stab the world in the face.
"But 'it is never too late to mend' friend,
so come out to the ball game with me to
fYE
DEEN WORKIN1
TWELVE' HOURS
ON 7HE&E D0OK&,
AN'1T 5EEHS I CAN'T
GET MUCH DONE-
. V
, 1 ii mm l
HOTEL CLCHK
IftViN S.C0B5
correct angle on the situation out
there from the cigar stand man in the
hotel lobby. October 15 Is plenty early
enough to begin hurling henbane and
hard words into the map of the casual
acquaintance.
"Therefore, let us be gay while we
may. T know a show over on a roof
garden that's got a comedian who's al
most as funny as a medicated bandage
and a line of gibes, quirks and whim
sies so old they're in their second
childhood and go better than new ones
would. There's also a talented lady
who does the Salome dance, with
nothing on but fourteen rattles and a
button, and a ballad singer with the
kind of pipes a ballad singer always
has. You can hear his voice two bjocks
and smell It one. So we'll Just step
over there and give our poor, tired,
overworked, underpaid brains a full
evening's rest, and shove all mention
of politics Into the kitty-slot.
"And anyway, when the battle's
over, you'll find the original American
Summer girl doing business at the
same old stand. You know who I
mean the one that's always shown in
the pictures, barefooted and dressed up
In several white tablecloths with a lot
of loose ends, like a Monday morning
line, and wearing a dinky cap with a
policeman's star on her forehead, and
playing an Instrumental solo on a cor
nycopia, which the same has a sheaf
of wheat, and an old-fashioned rail
road locomotive, and a lot of stewed
fruit and artificial flowers and canned
goods and delicatessen and such truck
pouring out of the tuba end of It, while
In the background the American eagle
and George Washington's rhost are
comparing wing measurements.
"No matter who wins, they can't
seem to put any large and notable
clusters of kibosh on the young lady
whose last name Is Columbia. During
the excitement of the campaign this
country nearly always seems to be
getting ready to go to the dogs, but
even the politicians haven't succeeded
yet in making by-products for a bench
show out of the U. S. A.
"And, what's more, Larry, they never
will."
morrow and forget your musty old office
and your filthy lucre for a couple of
hours and just be a common every-day
man. You'll soon get wise to the fact
that the Lord never created ' anything
better than this individual. Come out
and look the other side of this question
squarely in the mug. and then I'll leave It
to you to decide for yourself. You can
take it from me that a little ramble,
through the world of sport will not only
secure you the mental diversion that is
necessary to the healthy intellect, but It
will broaden your views and create a
man out of what has heretofore been
but a mechanism."
f Music.
Spring plays upon a thousand lyres.
And from the magic strings
Arise the whole of Earth's desires. -But
ah, the melody expires
Whenever Summer sings.
The woodwinds and the blaring brass.
The drums and bells prolong
The Summer's symphony alas!
That all this glowing sound should pass
.When Autumn starts his song.
For Autumn's voice Is almost mute;
He only playa upon
A 'cello and a walling flute.
And sobbings of a mournful lute
Are heard ere he is gone.
Then tvlnter enters with a glee.
And all the world Is stirred
With mirth and choral revelry,
The while the baas Is loud and free
Until the Spring Is heard.
But whether wild or grave or gay,
God renders them sublime
And thus In his mysterious way
The ever-charming seasons play
The mighty fugue of Time.
Louis Untermeyer
HraULJ
JU1. Vk u