THE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND, AUGUST 9, 1908.
8
W (WW
OTS Teddy goin' to Africa
for " lnoulred the House De
tective of the St. Reckless.
"For a. dollar a word," said the Hotel
Clerk. '" That's the latest Information.
A dollar a word for all words having two
or mere Joints to them. 85 cents each for
shorter and uglier words, such as would
naturally be applied to an African sting
Ins; lizard or a Bellamy Storer.
"It's practically been settled. The man
alter of one of our leading publishing
houses, a concern that's produced many
of the best sellers and some of the dryest
of the sub-sellers, went down to Oyster
Bay the other day and they fixed It up.
The reporters met him coming away
from Sagamore Hill. He had the ap
pearance of being slightly pleased with
himself. At Intervals he threw kisses
Into the air and then ran under them
and let them fall on his brow and burst.
They asked him about the matter. 'I'm
not at liberty to speak on the subject
yet.' was the conservative answer of the
famous publisher. "But, gentlemen. I
will say this much. After appearing
serially in our weekly magazine, our
monthly roagailne. our newspaper syndi
cate and our attractive premium proposi
tion, this great work will be embalmed
for posterity In an edition de-luxe
that will out-luxe anything, as the
French say. that was ever put on the
market. No pains will be spared. I've
already arranged with Charles Dana Gib
son to do the Giraffe group and Howard
Chandler Christy Is going to draw us a
set of his characteristic pictures show
ing the Central African Summer girl In
six different poes. No household will be
complete without It. and no good Repub
lican household will dare to be without
out. And now then, about how many sets
will you young gentlemen want among
your and he reached for an Indelible
pencil and a bunch of subscription blanks.
Coming back to town on the train he
booked three orders in the day coach
alone, and the conductor showed much
Interest. The conductor said he already
had an elegant standard dictionary,
which was a fine thing for lamming a
f tray dog from an upper window at night
and unexcelled for pressing wild flow
ers, but a trifle heavy for Individual use,
because when he held it on his knees to
look at the pictures his legs went to
sleep. So the publisher told him the full
morocco edition In eight volumes would
be Just the thing to round out such a
library as he described, being plenty
substantial enough to discourage a stray
pup. but not so cumbersome as to impair
the reader's circulation. The conductor
said he'd speak to his wife about It.
"I like that publisher's style of keep
ing a secret. Larry. He's grasped the
great fundamental principle that intel
ligent advertising may be combined with
a profound and dignified reticence In such
a way as not to lose any money by it.
And any way you take it, advertising
pays. A mud turtle lays Just as many
eggs in a season as a hen .does, and lays
them all in a bunch at that, which is
bound to be more of a mental strain,
but the turtle doesn't advertise and tha
hen does, and the result is there's a hun
dred calls for hen's eggs in the res
taurants where there's one for turtle's.
The same with the blue-bottle fly. He
may be careless about wiping his feet
before coming Into the house, but he's
a grand little advertiser. One small blue
bottle fly can enter In nt your window
"Well," said the Kid, looking up from
his paper as the Old Sport Joined him in
the hotel corridor, "the Increase in the
price of meat doesn't prevent me from
getting a roast with the evening paper
every day. Here it is, as usual, splat
tered all through the sporting notes. This
guy has wasted enough white paper In
telling the fans what a bush leaguer I
am to break the paper trust."
"Let me tell you something. Kid." re
plied the Old Sport. "The first newspa
per was cut out of a piece of prehistoric
granite with a hammer, and before you're
In the baseball business long you'll find
that in spite of all the modern Improve
ments In mechanical equipment, the ham
mer Is tlll the chief implement used in
the making of a newspaper.
"There's nothing to it. Kid: we're a
nation of knockers, and the newspaper
that has the anvil chorus on the Job in
the editorial sanctum is the sheet that, is
there with the circulation figures. This
old dump of a world is packed full of
grouches who would a blamed sight
rather read a bunch of dope that knock
the eternal daylights out of something
than to waste time wading through an
eulogy, and your wise guy In the edito
rial sanctum knows it,
"It doesn't matter a brass-mounted
continental what he knocks, either: he
can sail into the local ball team and call
them a bunch of mush-heads, or he can
knock the city administration or hand
the Old Woman's Home a slam in the
slats, and the public will be so hot after
his paper that they'll have to call out the
police reserves to protect the newsies.
They'll do a thundering lot of swearing
about the editor, and he'll probably have
to sneak home up the alleys and climb
over the back fence, but take It from me
that the very guys he knocks will keep
right on buying his paper hot off the
press to see what he has to say.
"So don't be getting any blue smoke
in your garret. Kid, because you happen
to be giving some sporting editor a little
circulation material. Anyway. I don't
know but what it's a blamed sight better
to be a dub in the public eye than to be
out of Its sight altogether. There's noth
ing so thundering useless in this world
as a nonentity, and let me tell you that
there's nothing looks eo bad opposite a
ball player's name in the batting order
as a string of ciphers. A figure or two,
even if they are in the error column,
shows that he has tried to do something
anyway. And that's the guy who has
some chance of pulling off something
that will make the world forget his mis
takes when he climbs the Golden Btalrs.
And take it from me. climbing the ladder
of success is a thundermg lot like climb
ing the Golden Stairs to Paradise; you've
blamed little chance of ever getting there
on the strength of what you haven't
done.
"I'll admit, though, that it' tough to
"V
when you're asleep in the early morning
and track around on your features and
sing baritone and Interest you almost as
much as If he was the Blood-sweating
Behomoth of Holy Writ. And that's why
my hat's off to the entrprlsing publisher
that went down to Oyster Bay and closed
up the deal. Before he was half way
have your mistakes advertised to the uni
verse at large, but that's one of the
things that you ball players have to
stand for. The butcher, the baker and
the prune merchant can pull off as many
mistakes as they like, and the papers
pass them up to protect their advertis
ing and keep the circulation department
working, and the public doesn't give a
tinker's dam about them anyway. But
the ball player is the target for every
body's hammer. The papers hand him
a crack on the knot every chance they
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get, and nobody gets sore and pulls out
their ad., and it booms their circulation
because there's nothing your American
likes to read so well as a good healthy
knock. I don't know what In thunder
the paper would do without the ball
player and the politician. They're a sort
of public anvil where everybody goes to
swing the hammer, and they supply the
country with the opportunity for enjoying
this pleasant exercise without pulling off
a libel and putting somebody's character
on the bum, because neither one has any
business with such a commodity. -
"And let me tell you. Kid, this dope
about the 'power of the press" Is no idle
bunk either. A newspaper can either
make or break any guy they stick in
THE"
HUNTING WILD
hack across Long Island the whole world
knew that the price would be a dollar a
word and if that includes capital I's it'll
naturally run the figures a way up.
"It'll be one grand excursion too, I'll
bet you on that, Larry. Young Teddy's
going along to have a love for the wild
things of nature Inculpated into him.
IN WHICH HE HANDS
their columns. Sometimes the more they
try to break him the more they make 1
him, because there's nothing that'll boost
a guy Into oblivion so quick as to be Ig
nored, and any kind of publicity Is more
profitable than none. So don't get sore
when you happen to get a few cracks
from the editorial nammer.
"The feature that contributes largely
to the power of the press is this blamed
habit of the American people In believ
ing everything they read. You can bust
your larynx yelling a thing Into the pub-
lie ear and they won't pay a bit of at
tention to you except to think that you've
got nuts in your garret.' But if they see
it in black and white they think it must
be so, and they'll work their block off in
order to memorize it to shove into some
body else as their own original opinion.
Printer's Ink has the public's goat.
"It's the same in every walk of life as
It is in baseball. And you can blamed
soon tell from the gab that is handed
around in the stands that nine out of
every ten guys who go to the ball games
form their opinions of the players from
the slush they read In the papers. In
spite of the fact that they trim their
own lamps on these players In action
almost every day. They'll believe print
r, Vqet u5eo
JSLD-WBDLfr Ibl
He'll also have one of those guns that
shoot the large explosive bullets. There
was talk for awhile that Loeb might go
along, too, to carry the extra fountain
pens and express rifles, but it's been de
cided that "Loeb Is to stick around and
be elected president of a 6treet railway
down nt Washington. You know on a
- : zrrz rH 71 tf"N rns-Jk 1
OUT SOME DOPE ON THE NEWSPAPER GAME.
er's ink before they will the evidence
of their own sight, but the guy who
write this stuff could get up before the
grand stand and yell out the same thing
till ha was blue in the face, and they'd
take Just about as much stock in his
dope as they do in the average political
speech."
"Well," said the Kid, "this getting into
the public eye might be all right, but you
guys must have had a cinch playing
baseball before the newspapers got on
the Job dumping so much slush about
the game Into the public ear. It's all
very nice when you get a puff that
makes your knot swell up till you have
to put on your lid with shoe horn, but
let me tell you it hurts to get roasted
before the entire universe."
"Well, Kid," replied the Old Sport,
"that's one of the vicissitudes of the ball
player, if you know what that means.
One day you're a hero, and the next day
you're a dub. But the public has a short
memory, and if you kick in and keep
busier than a one-eyed kid at a three
ringed circus, you'll manage to grab down
enough praise and glad gab to smother
the groans and hisses. The guy the pub
lic has no use for Is the laiy slob who
looks as though he wanted to get his
money in the easiest way possible. The
kid who is full of ginger and pepper and
a lot of other hot stuff can foozle a lot
and get away with it and still have the
fans with him. But the guy who camps
out on the field like a wooden Indian can
keep his error column clean, but he'll be
the worst dub- who ever hit the ball lot,
and take it from me he'll never get a
niche in the hearts of the fans.
"Now, there' are lots of ball players
who never hurry a throw if they see the
batter has a hit nearly beaten out, be
cause they don't want to take a chance
on making a wild heave, and they know
that if the batter beats the throw It
goes as a hit against the pitcher. They
get away with this, too, because the fans
seldom blame the fielder, but give the
batter credit for fast hiking. But take
It from me. Kid, the wise manager would
a blamed sight rather have a player who
took chances and perhaps gave a batter
an extra base occasionally on a wild
heave, If he noses "em out occasionally.
"You can't climb Into a comfortable
berth In the hall of fame in baseball by
playing sure things. You've got to take
chances. Mike Doolin, shortstop of tho
Phillies, Is a player of that kind. He's
often called erratic, because he makes
wild chucks occasionally and has a pretty
big smear In his error column, but let me
tell you that a thundering lot of his as
sists are on chances that would be
chalked up as hits with any other player.
Mike never waits to examine the trade
mark on the ball before letting it go
when he digs it out of the dirt.
street railway, when anything goes
wrong anywhere. It's customary to blame
the president of the road, so it's bound
to be a congenial Job for Loeb. and one
where he'll feel so much at home he'll
hardly notice the change from his pres
ent place. Anyway I don't think Loeb
would have such an awfully good time
stalking large game, with impaired dis
positions, through an African Jungle.
While he was sneaking, up on the two-
horned rhinoceros, a ferocious guinea
pig might come charging out of a thicket
or wild spinach and bite him.
"Ain't Teddy and the otlrers goin' to
do nothin' but Just hunt on the trip?"
asked the House Detective.
"Oh, yes, indeed," said the Hotel Clerk.
"They're going to stop over to call on the
King of England and the Kaiser of Ger
many and a few others on the way. I've
a notion, Larry, that the conversation is
going to drag a trifla when they settle
down after dinner in the company room
at Buckingham Palace and unbutton their
vests and Teddy crosses his legs and the
King tries to cross his, and they start
in to discuss outdoor sports, for while he
loves an exhilarating outdoor sport as
much as any man In the world, so long
as it consists in going to the Derby or
laying a cornerstone, still the King be
gins to lose intere.st in the pleasures of
the chase, if his trousers come uncreased,
while Teddy's idea of a pleasant after
noon's outing is to climb nine miles up
a section of western landscape that's
standing on edge and shoot a 1000-pound
gentlemen bear In such a manner as to
smear him all over the Sierra Nevada
range; see Vol. XVIII of his published
works 'Grizzlies I Have Grinned At.'
But he'll get along fine when he hits
Berlin. For the Kaiser's a true sports
man. I've seen upwards of 9000 authorized
pictures of His Imperial Majesty and
fully 5000 of them showed him dressed
up like the second act of a Tyrolean musi
cal comedy, standing down by the croquet
grounds with his hands in an ermine
muff and a gun under his arm, smoking
one of those large china cuspidors which
by the Germans are regarded as pipes and
waiting for an under-keeper or an un
dertaker to shoo the Brahma hens and
the Pekin ducks and the hand-raised
pheasants and the other wild game of
the royal preserves out from under the
kitchen porch, so's he can have a fair
shot at them in the open and not run any
chances of hitting the cook or some of
the trained dachshund retrievers; and
after that I take it they have a real
huntsman's repast of coffee, cakes, kum
mel and Bismarck herrings served on the
lawn. He'll enjoy meeting the Czar, too.
will Teddy, if the Czar remains intact
until he gets there, for while the Ruler
of all the Ruskys and most of the Le
venskys hasn't done much shooting him
self, he's been shot at quite often, both
standing and on the wing, and is quali
fied to describe the sensations as they
"And, Kid, as far as it being a cinch
to play baseball in the old days, let mc
tell you that you kids don't know when
you've got it soft. Here you go floating
around the country, stopping at the swell
hotels and putting away the swellest kind
of fodder, when we guys used to make
some of our Jumps on the blind baggage
and blamed seldom saw even a photo
graph of a square meal. When we got
hungry we slipped Into a hash joint and
planted ourselves on a peg and . stocked
up againBt a plate of beans.
"Roto-
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. i PLATE- OF- 7
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.LANDSCAPE
apply to the party of the second part. 1
don't strppose the party will call on King
Leopold of Belgium, though. If the Gay
Madcap Burlesquers or the Broadway
Blondes should happen to be playing at
the opera-house there's not a chance of
fmdlng'him at home, and besides, as the
only known person that ever dressed the
part of Simon Legree with square chin
whiskers and a chorus of show-girls. It's
sort of probable that Leopold won't be
any too enthusiastic over the prospect of
a lot of inquisitive outsiders poking their
noses into these secluded rubber-bearing
localities where Richard Harding Davis
almost. went one time,
street railway when anything goes
"But the real doings will come when
they hit the big game country. Ad
vices from Africa are that the inhabi
tants cherish no hard feelings over the
Brownsville incident and will receive
the distinguished visitor from the
United States with warmth. First,
"And as
concerned,
they're a
play your
reputation
isn't know
far as the newspaper raps are
take it from me, Kid, that
blamed sight better than to
head off trying to pile up a
and then find that your name
n outside of the block you live
in, like we used to do. The papers sim
ply ignored us, and we were just about
as much of the universe at large as the
hole is of the doughnut. Now you kids
kick because you get a rap from the
papers occasionally, and yet the publicity
you get from it splatters your name all
BY
IRVIN 5.C0&B
they're going to drift down one of tU
great African rivers and shoot hippo
potami at night. This is said to be a
very "exciting sport, Larry. A floating
hippopotamus can readily be distin
guished from a floating Saratoga trunk
by the fact that the Saratoga trunk
has no hair on its ears. The approved
method of slaying the noble creature
is to push the muzzles of one or more
repeating rifles up his nostrils and
continue firing until he gets top-heavy
with lead and sinks slowly to the bot
tom of the mighty stream, which in
places Is almost four feet deep and
correspondingly broad. And then, after
some days, they'll land and slay the
crocodile traveling bag, the lion-skin
dining-room rug, the ivory card re
ceiver and other modern conveniences,
on the hoof. I've been reading up on
that section of the country. In the
daytime you pursue the blesbock and
springbock and the various other bocks
common to the locality and at night
you come to laager. It ought to be a
great place to hold a saerigertest. Some
authorities say Stanley was the first
man who went through and passed out
the names and some say Livingston;
but 1 think myself it was a Milwaukee
brewer. No mention was made In the
piece I read regarding that rare warb
ler, the white-crested, ycllow-sldcd.
pilsener bird, but I've no doubt in my
mind that Toddy'll find it there, leaping
from one broad saffron pad of the wild
cheese-cake bush to another and
sounding Its characteristic flute-like
note from the upper branches of the
fragrant hausenpfeffer tree.
'I don't know what luck he'll have,
Larry, but I look for a sudden cessa
tion of the intere.st thiit has heretofore
attached to the question: 'What'll we
do with our ex-Presidents?' when
Teddy gets into that cla.ss. Up until
now, just as soon as wo put In a man
as President we began to worry about
what'd become of him when we put
him out. You didn't hear of any nf
them advertising in the papers for a
Job suitable for an elderly man of
family with considerable experience ns
a President; no objection to going into
the country: white Trotestant family
preferred. Yet, still we worried.
"But we won't worry about Teddy's
future. By the time he gets back from
Africa there'll probably be a chance to
show Santos-Dumont how to run an
airship and after that it may occur V
him to go after the North Pole."
"If ever he does hell sure bring
home' the goods." said the House De
tective. "But say, what's Taft going
to do when Teddy leaves the country?''
"If It's as I suspect." said the Hotel
Clerk, "and Big Bill's got a few small
policies of his own concealed about his
person. I have no Idea that he'll h
able to bear up nobly. He's, almost
largo enough to get along without a
nurse now."
over the country, and every kid who is
old enough to read has your Image erect
ed in his garret as his Idol, and you've
got the politician and the big guns In tha
business world looking as small as the
sporting column In the Christian Ad
vocate. "Thafs what the papers are doing for
you, Kid, so don't get sore when tho
medicine tastes bad. Take my tip and
kick in and give that guy something to
write about that will make more pleasant
reading. In this old dump of a world
you'll always find that hard work is a
medicine that cures a thundering lot of
cases that look hopeless."
Jfothing Doing There.
Parke I'm looking for a nice, quiet
place to spend my vacation in.
Tjina Tmi mean a place where you
can have absolute rest where there Is
nothing doing?
Parke yes; do you know of such a
place? T--J
Lane You beti iiy omce.
How the Cumberland Went Down.
By S. Weir Mitchell, M. D.
Gray swept the angry waves
O'er the gallant and the true;
Rolled high In mounded graves
O'er tho stately frigates crew
Over cannon, over deck.
Over all that ghastly wreck
When the Cumberland went down.
Such a roar the waters rent,
At though a giant died.
When the wailing billows -went
Above those heroes tried;
And the sheeted foam leaped high,
Like white ghosts against the fky
As the Cumberland went down.
O: shrieking waves that gushed
Above that loyal band.
Tour cold, cold burial rushed
O'er many a heart on land'.
And from all the startled North
A cry of pain broke forth
As the Cumberland went down.
And forests old, that gave
A thousand years of power
To her lordship of the wave
And her beauty's regal dower.
Bent, as though before a blast,
When plunged her pennoned mast
And the Cumberland went down.
And grimy mines that sent
To her their virgin strength.
And iron vigor lent
To knit her lordly length,
Wildly stirred with throt.s.of lira
Echoes of that fatal strife
As the Cumberland nent down.
Beneath the ocean vast.
Full many a captain hold,
By many a rotting mast.
And Admiral of old.
Boiled restless in his grave
As he felt the sobbing wave
When the Cumberland went down.
And stern Vikings that lay
A thousand years at rest.
In manv a deep blue bay
Beneath the Baltic's breast,
Leaped on the silver sands.
And shook their rusty brand
Am the Cumberland went down.
A '
t