THE SUNDAY OREGONIAX, PORTLAND, JUNE 7, 1908.
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"I
STOSE Tcddy'll be the whole
works out at Chicago durin the
convention," remarked the
House Detective.
"Not at all," said the Hotel Clerk
of the St. Reckless, "not at all. All
Teddy wants to be i3 the full-jeweled
movements and the hour hand and the
minute hand and the split-second at
tachment and tho gold-tilled caso war
ranted for four years more, and the
correct likeness of a true friend pasted
to the buck lid, and the little dingus
you wind hrr up by. That's all Teddy
wants to be. Biff Bill can be every
thing else. He can be the gun-metal
charm that hungs down on the outside
of the fob pocket.
"No, sir,' I.arry; on this occasion the
President is in the background. Ho has
aken a place in the background and
moved it well up front, stf that it
lops over the footlights and entirely
obscures tho leader of the orchestra,
which is where It properly belongs un
der such circumstances, and where it
will remain as lone as he's occupy
ing it.
"He says to the leaders of the party
or to the men wlm would be the lead
ers if all the lcadyrs' Jobs were not
completely filled by himself, lie says:
'Gentlemen, I don't ask much. I'm a
man of simple tastes and many of
them. About all I expect to. So is to
choose your standard-bearer in the per
son of onn who will be acceptable to
all factions, the name being Taft, and
I'll make It my business to see to it
that you have a nice, neat platform
all written out by the time you con
vene, and I'll personally select the pre
siding officers and the key-noters for
your convention, and, when I get
'round to it, I'll decide on a campaign
manager and National chairman for
you, and some evening after dinner I'll
think up a few good, strong campaign
policies for you, and I'll probably let
you establish your campaign headquar
ters on the back porch of my place
down at Oyster Bay. I'd give you the
front porch, but Kermit will be need
ing it for his pet snake. You gentlemen
may look after everything else with
the exception of these few details I
have mentioned.'
" 'And what will that be?' timidly in
quires one of the chaps who would be a
sub-leader, if there were any sub-leaders.
' 'Why, let me see,' says the President,
'surely there's something else. Yes, now
I have it you boys shall pick out the
candidate for Vice-President. While we're
on the subject, I might suggest, merely in
passing, that the party now holding the
job would give reasonable satisfaction.
True, he's not what you'd call a fancy
Vice-President. He has a figure like two
sections of a split-bamboo fish pole and
he combs his hair from under the left
shoulder blade, and he'll never be a really
stylish dresser until the new sheath skirt
comes into general use for male wear,
hut, when all's said and done, he's a
good, faithful creature and understands
general work and the care of the young,
and brought good references from his for
mer employes In Indianapolis when he
first cani3 to us. and never has any stub
born opinions of his own, or any other
kind, so far as I've noticed, and on the
whole I think we might go a good deal
further and do worse. Oh, yes, I know
he has his vice, but I'm given to under
stand that he can drink or he can leave
it alone.'
" 'Thank you,' says the' spokesman of
the delegation In a tone in whtch grati
tude and admiration conflict with several
tt
W
EI.L," said the Kid, as he
joined the bunch in the hotel
corridor, "I see we're up
against the new 'grapevine twist' tomor
row." "If there Isn't any more to it than there
is to the 'smoke ball' and the 'fade away'
I guess we'll straighten out the kinks in
the grapevine, all right. Guess maybe we
didn't put a few crimps in those two new
inventions when we went up against 'em,"
replied Shorty.
"That's the right line of talk. Shorty,"
broke In the Old Sport, "and when it
comes down to cases on these new inven
tions in the pitchers' repertoire, let me
tell you right here that there hasn't been
a new curve Invented in the past 15 years
outside the curves of the female figure
in the fashion magazines. And you can
take it from me that there nev'er will be,
until they chance the laws of nature and
put gravity, on the blink. These new
'grapevine twists.' 'smoke., ball.' 'fade
away' and such slush, are only the noise
that comes from the bats napping their
wings in the attic of some dub sporting
write?.
"Yet a lot of you guys who are sup
posed to he hep to every kink In the
baseball game read this slush, and when
you butt into a pitcher who has the In
dian sign on you, you get It into your
knot that he is dishing up a new brand of
foolers. You can take my tip, boys, that
all these new pitchers, from the 'knuckly
ball' down to the 'merry widow,' are the
same oii curves that Pop Anson and
I'harlie Radbourne used to face, except
that each pitcher's work has its own in
dividuality. Just the same as an artist's,
an author's, or a. barber's.
"In spite of all this new curve slush
that's handed out, take It from me that
nothing short of a divine .miracle can
make a ball curve in any but the four
old ways. And I don't know of any
sling shovers of the present age who are
pulling off the miracle stunt. Now, here's
the dope: A ball is' made to curve by its
resistance to the air cushion In front;
If It is twisted toward the riht the re
lstance to the air cushion will naturally
be strongest on the right side of the
leather, and the ball will naturally go
In the direction of the least resistance
when it begins to lose momentum, which
In this case will be toward the left. All
the other curves are the result of the
same natural laws, the ball going in the
direction of Its least resistance to the air
cushion. If it is twisting toward the right
It will curve to the left. If It Is twisting
toward the left it will curve to the right.
If toward the 6ky tt will drop suddenly
toward the ground, and If toward the
ground It will have a tendency to shoot
upward.
"Now, you've read a lot of slush in the
papers about this pitcher throwing a
'snake curve' or a 'grapevine twist,' and
a bunch of you thick-headed ballplayers
who ought to know better believe It.
Just this Spring the dope was sent up
from Marlln Springs that Christy Ma
thewson had discovered a curve that first
"" IN WHICH HE HANDS OUT SOME DOPE CONCERNING THE KID WHO BUCKS THD"
JjCCEPXXBLZr TO j4LD
other emotions. 'Thank you, sir,' he says.
'Was there anything else, sir?'
" 'Well,' says the President in a kind
voice, I don't think of anything more at
this time, but if I do, I'll drop you a pos
tal. And in the meanwhile, let us all re
member, gentlemen, that we have the
destinies of a great party in our keeping.
It had to be a great party or it never
could have produced Lincoln, Grant, Gar
field. MeKlnley and Me, especially the
last-named. As an added starter, we
might include Mr. Nicholas Longworth, of
Ohio, my son-in-law, who properly be
longs in this illustrious category, having,
as you might say, been married into it.
'Tis, as I say, a great party and amply
able to manage its own affairs, if com
petently directed. So, with these few
words I guess you had better be running
along out to Chicago and rolling your own
little hoops and not bother me any more,
because I have on my mind several af
fairs of state and an engagement to take
Kliliu Root out for a walk and tell him a
few helpful things about the practice of
law. Gentlemen, good day; here's your
hats; kindly close the door firmly on the
outside as you go out.'
"That's the way "It is, Larry. The
President Is taking no active hand In the
convention because he had so many
other matters to engage his mind. For
instance, there's the case of Colonel Stew
art of the Regular Army, which Is so
shot up toward the sky, then after going
a few feet further would duck down and
float over the pan knee high. A New
York evening paper even went so far as
to publish a diagram supposed to show
the eccentricities of this new fooler that
J-TLTHE-INITELD-IR-A'
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Christy had dug up from the realm of
mysterious Impossibilities. Then a lot
of slush was splattered through the pa
pers about a 'snake curve' that Lew
Richie of the Phillies had discovered
while tossing the ball around among the
palms, and chameleons down In Florida.
"Now. If these spongehead penpushers
would only work the ooze In their con
ning towers long enough to dope out the
natural laws which cause a ball to curve,
the resistance of Its rotary motion to
the surrounding atmosphere, they'd
mighty soon tumble to, the fact that in
order to make a ball ovrve In two differ
ent directions with one delivery, a pitcher
would have to throw it In such a way that
it would twist In one direction, during
part of Its course toward the plate, then
suddenly atop and begin twisting in the
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opposite direction. One hep to the why
and wherefore of a curve ball, and It
doesn't take much of a mental effort for
any dub to figure out that this phenom
ena Is the only way In which a ball can
be made to curve two ways with one "de
livery, and you can see what a swell
chance any guy has of pulling off a stunt
like that without the aid of a divine
Providence. And take It from me that J
Providence Isn't working overtime to help
out many sllngshovers in the baseball
business.
"And yet you'll butt Into a lot of good
ballplayers and a bunch of other guys
who are perfectly sane and sensible on
other matters, who really believe that it
Is possible for a pitcher to throw a
'snake curve' and a 'grapevine twist.' It
didn't take many games at the opening
of the season to demonstrate that Mr.
Lew Ritchie's 'In-and-out' curve was a
pronounced success as far as Its going
in and out with one delivery was con
cerned. Lew tossed It Into the plate and
the batters slammed It out Jto the fence.
"Now. I'm not saying that some of
these new curves aren't all right, like the
knuckle ball" and the 'fade-away.' but
you can take my tip that they are the
same old original curves, except that they
possess the individuality of the pitcher
who Is dishing them up. And that's the
case with all curves. The curves of no
two pitchers break alike, any more than
the dope of any two authors on the same
subject would read alike. But when it
comes right down to cases It is the' same
old dope just the same.
"Christy Mathewson's fade-away" Is
simply a slow drop that starts early and
takes Its 'own good time at getting down
Into the cellar, instead of waiting till the
last fraction of a second and then, drop
ping down- the elevator .shaft. The
knuckle ball' Is merely the result of
shortening the fingers by doubling them
up, thus causing the ' ball to leave the
thumb last and giving It about the same
crazy ideas about direction as the spitter.
A guy would chuck about the same sort
of a curve If he had his first two fingers
cut off at the first joint. But they are
the same old brand of foolers, with a dif
ference in the break caused by the differ
ence in the English on the ball. And let
me tell you right here that Mr. Mordecai
Brown, of Chicago, owes a big wad of
his success as a shrlnker of batting aver
ages to the mine accident that mangled
his throwing mitt In the mellow days of
his childhood. -That short stub of a fin
ger gives an individuality to his curve
that no other pitcher can Imitate.
V "And now, boys, when you stack up
against this "new curve' artist tomorrow,
don't for a minute get it Into your knot
that the blamed ball Is waltzing around
through the atmosphere like a puff ball
In a March wind, because It isn't going
to duck in any direction but the same old
points of the compass that you've seen
them ambling every day, and once It
starts Its break It's going to keep right
on going the same way till It hits some
thing. And If you watch the breaks and
lose sight of this newspaper slush about
'snake curves' and 'grapevine twists,'
vou'll soon find that It is your swatting
sticks It la hitting.
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called because It's not. The President
did everything t6 keep him quiet short
of strangling him with a plow line. As
long ago as last Fall he sent the Colonel
out to Fort Grant, which Is in a desirable
section of Arizona to anyone desiring al
kali, and commands an uninterrupted
view of a stretch of country greatly re
sembling Death Valley, only perhaps not
so densely populated. It was generally
believed at the White House that the
Colonel should have been happy and con
tented with his' new post. He had abso
lute control over a garrison consisting
of a sick teamster and a deaf cook, and
in his leisure hours he could go out and
sit on the borax and tame the winsome
Gila monsters which abound freely in
the vicinity. The Gila monster ought to
make a fine pet, Larry, being far more
intelligent than the stinging lizard and
so much more sociable than the black
banded ground rattler that often crawls
Into bed with a person who's asleep and
nestles up, not to say cuddles."
"Well, sill I can say Is, I don't blame
him for kickln' If that's the way it
wuz." commented the House Detective.
"Any time I ketched one of them' things
pervading my boudoir, one of us would be
leavln' purty soon."
"That's the way Colonel Stewart felt."
"Now, In this age of progress and new
Inventions, when even the sporting pages
of the papers are exceeding the speed
limit and .slopping over with slush about
new discoveries In the pitchers' stock of
foolers, if you'll just trim your lamps on
the official averages you'll get next to the
fact that the winning pitchers are the
ones whose names are never mentioned
in connection with any new curve inven
tions. Their stock doesn't need any boost
ing. Old Cy Young has been tossing them
up to Uhe plate in the same old way for
IS years, and he has pitched two or three
generations of these 'new curve' Inventors
Into oblivion.
"Now, boys, I don't want to preach you
a sermon, but while we are dallying with
the batting dope. I'll have to hand It to
you that I've noticed a blamed pernicious
habit In you of trying to murder the ball
I'm hep to the fact that there are time
In a game when owing to existing condi
tions It Is a wise plan to play a long shoot
and take a chance at slamming the leath
er out of the county, but these conditions
pop up In a game just about as often as
a Democratic President moves Into the
White House. And I'm next to the fact
that the gang in the stands will root
their heads off for the husky guy who is
said the Hotel Clerk, "and the President
said If It'd ease the Colonel's feelings
any, he'd transfer him down to Florida.
The Florida location was right In the
heart of a lovely swamp, having a clus
tering population of microbes big enough
to eat off the hand, and coming readily
when called Ponto, Rob, Towser or by
other suitable names. Out in Arizona he
didn't have any water at all, and down
In Florida he didn't have anything else,
and still he wasn't satisfied. So now,
I dont know what they'll do with him,
unless they got an Army mule to kick
him to death." ,
"Wot had. this here Colonel Stewart
been doin' to get hlsself so unpopular?"
asked , the House Detective.
'The way the President explains It. he
must be a perfectly impossible person,"
said the Hotel Clerk. 'Colonel Stewart
quarrels with civilians, and he calls peo
ple names and he talks all the time.
"So It looks like professional jeal
ousy to me, Larry. You know Teddy
never could stand opposition.
"The President had other things In
his mind. too. There was that confer
ence of the Governors of all the states
the other day. Anyway, that's what
they called It a conference but It
seemed to me It sounded more like a
slamming them to the pallags, even
though he is nursing a 200 batting aver
age, while the guy who is batting around
300 and winning games with dinky taps
never gets a hand. But just the same,
you can take it from me that as a general
. - "
WZY.TH JT.Vni
llTUPllimnTn moT.,t,. -Z iw
wnui-i nL-1 nKUYV -
r.ule the kid who chokes his bat and ties
the infield In a knot with a puny pelt. Is
the winner, and the candy kid with the
stick.
"He's the Johnny-on-the-spot in a
pinch, because he Is playing a sure
thing, while the husky slugger is playr
lng a game in which the percentage Is
against him. And you can take my tip,
too. that long hits are a thundering
lot like women. You are a blamed
sight more apt to get 'em if you don't
go after 'em. It isn't the murderous
swing that rips boards off the whisky
ads as much as It Is meeting the ball
on the nose with a snappy resistance.
"There's nothing to it, fellows,
there's more slop dumped into the
world about baseball than all other
subjects combined. The sporting pages
are splattered with a lot of dope that
Is Just about as thickly settled with
facts as the ordinary political speech.
The public falls for it, too, because
you won't find one guy in a whole row
monologue. Although the President
advised them about nearly everything,
many of the Governora went away dis
appointed. You see, they'd come to
Washington full of speeches, and there
they sat with all that language bot
tled up In their systems perfectly si
lent except for the low, seething
sounds where it was 'scaping from
their ears."
"Why didn't some of 'em git up and
say eomethin'?" asked the House De
tective. "They didn't want to. interrupt," said
the Hotel Clerk. "The only one that
seemed to break In was James J. Hill.
I guess maybe Hill has a loud voice
and.no manners, and that's the way he
got. his chance to be heard. He talked
about our resoxirces, Larry.
"After reading what he said about
the waste of the forests, I feel that I
will never be able to look a plank walk
In the face again. And I've cut out
using wooden toothpicks. Hereafter
the quill kind for mine. From what
Hill says, we're liable to run out of
standing timber before we run out of
gander feathers. He spoke of the fail
ing coal supply, too. With tears in his
eyes, he said that In less than eleven
of seats up in the stands who is up
to the fine points of the game. To the
ordinary public baseball consists of
slamming the ball and eating up hits.
There isn't one In a hundred who
knows that a pitcher frequently
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pitches wide ones to a batter purpose
ly in order to catch a daring base
runner napping or stealing, or to
break up the hit-and-run game. They
sit up on their hind legs in 'rooters'
row" and cut loose a groan at every
wide pitch, they roast the player who
gets nailed a block on an attempted
steal, and a lot of you guys out on
the lot try to make yourself solid with
them by playing to the stands Instead
of plugging along and playing the
game to bring home the bacon.
"If any of you guys have ever been
to church you've heard that good old
song which starts "Not to the strong
is the battle, not to the swift Is the
race.' And I want to tell you, fellows,
that is blamed true in baseball. It
Isn't the husky slugger who cops pen
nants, and It isn't the speediest sprint
er "who cuts the biggest gash In the
basesteallng averages. The Chicago
White Sox didn't have a .-300 hitter In
their outfit when they won the world s
thousand years our coal will be ex
hausted. So It looks almost as gloomy
for the coal business as it does for
the manufacture of tenpins and hick
ory hoe handles. In those days Tif
fany will be selling anthracite by the
karat, and pine laths will be accepted
as legal currency. In amounts up to
ten laths. Yet In the fare of the dan
ger, Mr. Hill says he sees men using
as many as four matches lighting one
cigar and .mothers wearing out poplar
shingles to spank their children with,
when corrugated roofing would do just
as well. So far as he knows, there's
nobody trying to husband our coal sup
ply and save it up. But he's wrong
there, Larry. I know of one conscien
tious guy who was trying all last Win
ter to save it, and he did."
"Who w'uz that?" asked the House
Detective.
"The janitor of the flat house where
I live." said the Hotel Clerk. "1 think
maybe I'll send his name to Mr. Hill."
"D'ye think the convention will be
purty lively?" asked the House De
tective. "Well, I don't know," said the Hotel
Clerk. "Most of the young Presiden
tial booms of the early Spring have be
come reasonably quiet. If the Joe
Cannon boom was properly embalmed.
It will probably not attract any undue
attention, unless the weather should
turn unseasonably warm at Chicago.
The Philander Knox boom has done as
well as any boom could be expected to
do that had a first name like Philander,
but I look for It to go down for the
last time with a low, gurgling cry
when the rullcall gets as far as Penn
sylvania. Nothing remains visible of
the Hughes boom at this time except
a fringe of whiskers protruding from
beneath the cone that was used in ad
ministering the ether. The Fairbanks
boom was last seen alive in the vicin
ity of La Porte, Ind., and the parties
engaged in digging up the cozy farm
yard of tiie lute Mrs. Gunness have
been asked to keep a sharp lookout.
But Teddy is taking no active hand.
Bear that In mind.''
"When Teddy plays politics, it's a
great game," said the House Detective.
"Yes," said the Hotel Clerk, "a game
of solitaire."
More National Forest Keserves.
Everybody's Magazine.
If I should say that the election of a
Democratic Governor In Minnesota by a
plularlty of 72,000. Republican votes,
meant more than ten years of forestry
has done why, then I should .be
called vague, visionary and obscure.
But I do believe that. Jf I should say
that President Roosevelt, In his break
ing out of party tradition, and break
ing Into the clean old Americanism
that does not confuse honest wealth
with corrupt wealth, nas done more for
our trees than all our forestry work
has done why, then I should be be
called a rabid partisan and a crank.
But certainly this would not be enough.
We must enlarge our National hold
ings; whlclif means that we must buy
back largo tracts, the "title" to which
was bought from us for a song, or
stolen from us with a grin. Suppose
we should get absolutely crazy or ab
solutely sane and undertake to buy
250.000,000 acres of land at 2J an acre.
That would mean J5.o00.000.000. Could
we finance that with bonds bearing in
terest? Not yet. We have not yet been
squeezed enough. We do not yet burn
twigs nnd ftigots.
championship. And you'll notice a
bunch of speedy men on the circuit
who can tramp gravel at pretty close
to record time, who get nailed a mile
nearly every time they get gay on the
base paths.
"This isn't because their speed isn't
any assistance, but It is lack of judg
ment and noodle-work. In the space
which lies between the lead, you
should get off first, and the point
where you should start your slide for
second, the speed of Mercury wouldn't
gain you a foot In your distance. But
a good lead, a start at the psycholog
ical moment and a heady slide will
gain you three or four yards. The guy
who cuts the ice along tho base paths
is the one who uses judgment in get
ting his start and uses his noodle in
making his slide, and I don't give a
brassmounted continental if he runs
like a hydrant.
"You'll see a lot of speedy guys who
are good base-runners In other respects
who get nailed because they always
slide the same way, no matter where
the throw comes. Youcan take it
from me, fellows, that success in cop
ping the bags doesn't lie so much In
beating the throw as It does in getting
away from it after It gets there. Keep
your lamps trimmed on the guy who Is
covering the bag when you go into It
and you can tell from his actions where
the throw is coming, then hit the grit
spikes first and In such a way that
your body is thrown away from the
catch, and take It from me, you'll get
the bag a lot of times when the throw
has you nailed a mile.
"Now It's time to hit the feathers,
boys, but a lot of you ice wagons who
are nursing the dope that it's no use
for a guy who gets over the ground
like a truckhorse to get gay on the
base paths want to chuck that slush
out of your garret. Take it from me,
it's the noodle that makes the base
runner, and not the feet. Big Kd Dele
hanty ran like a sewing machine, but
he was a terror on the bases just the
same.
"Beat it to the hayloft now, boys,
here comes the boss to round you up.
Remember that the kid who bucks
against the sandman tonight is going
to be shy on ginger tomorrow. Good
night, boys."
Wild Goose Story From Maine.
Kennebec Journal.
Here is a wild goose story from a South
Harpsweli -correspondent: Friday after
noon as Edward 11. Moody was working
at Barne's Island Cove he saw a larK
wild goose sitting In the edge of the
water. The wind was blowing a good
breeze at the time and the goose had
evidently got In the lea and was taking
his afternoon nap.
Mr. Moody crept up and seized him by
the neck and got one of the worst beat
ings of his life from the wings of the
bird, but he held fast and took his prize
home and has him still alive, and will
keep him to show to his friends as s
proof of the wonderful feat he accomplished.