THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAN. POKTLAXD. 3IAY 31. 1908.
IbvinS.Cobb
OIN" somewhere on your vaca-
1 tionr' asked the House Detect-
lve of the St. Reckless.
"I believe It's customary," Bald the
Hotel Cerk. "At this season it Is gen
erally expected that a couple who've
been perfectly happy and satisfied all
Winter in a two-room-and-a-Boston-buil-terrier
flat will feel it Incumbent
upon tnem to so oft and spend all the
money they've been' able to save' up
Ince this time last year, for two weeks
of something that's not near as com
fortable as what they get1 every day
it home."
"Where do you think you'll go?'-'
asked the House Detective.
"Well, I don't know," said the Ho
tel Clerk. "Its a matter that a careful
man ought to give a lot of thought
to. If your system is all run down
and every man who's working on a
salary develops Hhat kind" of system, I
notice, along about this . time you
ought to be very careful about picking
out the place where you go to recuper
ate or you'll be coining home a com
plete wreck. It takes a strong and
hardy nature to endure the rigors of
me avc-rvge vacation. A business trip
is all very well, but when you're em
barking on a pleasure exertion, as the
poet says, you should safeguard your
ualth."
"They gay the Thousand Islands Is
purty flne," suggested the House De
tective. "Yes, they do so," said the Hotel
Clerk. "But after you've closely exam
ined, three hundred and" thirty-three
and a third of them, all looking just
alike, you begin to sort of lose Interest
in the other six hundred and Vixty-six
Islands and two-thirds of an Island."
"Well," . said the House Detective,
"there's plenty of other places you
could go. I just thought maybe I
could help you out."
Much obliged," said the Hotel Clerk.
"But when you come right down to
the hemstitches, Larry, theres not such
later gets strength enough to turn and
. a wide rangeto choose from. I've tried
'em all, from the classy resort, having
all the latest conveniences, such as the
automatic stopcockroach and the folding-bedbug
to the dear old farmhouse
up In the mountains, where the butter
runs during the early part or the sea
son, on being stabbed with the moist
warm blade of a kitchen knife, but
bite back. I've paid eighty cents for
the Summer hotel portion of much
rooms on toast, consisting of a scorched
slice of bread, under a glass dome,
with a shirtwaist set strewed careless
ly over it, only when I looked closer
I sw they were not moss agate studs
hut mushrooms. I have given up as
much as two bones for the far-famed
shore dinner, composed of three burglar
proof clams, part of a sinewy fried eel,
and 'a fine-tooth comb with a skin
wrapped around it. called a planked shad.
I've gone to the seaside to take the morn
ing refreshing dips in the salt water,
and forgotten to take any of the dips
because I was busy pining for the moun
tain scenery. Then I've gone to the
mountains, but couldn't enjoy the scen
ery because I longed with a great pas-
BT JIM NASIUM.
THB day Old Sport arrived home for
a short visit, after taking the West
ern trip with the team, he met the
Parson coming out of the postofflce.
Well, brother," said the Parson, "no
loubt you enjoyed your trip with the base
ball boys, but after spending so much of
vour time with the worldly and aeelng so
much wickedness, I suppose it is a great
relief to get back into a Christian atmos
phere again?"
Well. I'll admit it is a great change.
Parson." replied the Old Sport, "but
getting down to cases on this here Chris
tian atmosphere dope, I'm compelled to
say that I haven't noticed much improve
ment in that line yet. To tell the truth.
Parson, when it comes to a Christian
spirit of & practical and useful kind, tha
kind that doesn't show up a lot of knot
holes and1 rotten spots when you scrape
the varnish ofT the outside, some of the
atmosphere I've been breathing of late
makes the air in this little, old village
smell like the interior of a rubber boot."
"I don't know as I exactly catch your
meaning." replied the Parson. "Have
you come in contact with the Christian
spirit much In your travels, and attended
divine services?"
"Say. Parson." replied the Old Sport,
"if you sky pilots could only dls up tha
Christian spirit that I've seen splattered
around over the world of sport and trans
plant it In your church pews, then irri
gate it pretty thoroughly with some of
the milk of human kindness, there'd be
a thundering lot of your congregation
that'd have a better batting average on
the Recording Angel's hook. I've been at
tending divine services to some extent,
yes, and I've been listening to a brand of
gospel that hasn't ever been preached to
any great extent in this little old dump
of a town, and it hasn't showed its muc
in the pulpits throughout the country to
the extent that it should, either."
"What denomination is that?" asked
the Parson.
Tlie denomination of Fair Play," re
plied the Old Sport. "It is a denomina
tion that preaches a practical sort of a
religion in a piacucai sun ui a .a. A
gospel of action and not of words, that
lias to do with every action of your
everyday life. The Bible is splattered
full of It, but too many of you sky pilots
Utse It In your interpretation. Have you
ever considered. Parson, that "fair play"
is merely a shorter and simpler way of
faying, 'do unto others as you would have
them do unto your It is the Golden
Rule boiled down.
"Lt me tell you. Parson, that you can
wade through scripture from Genesis to
Revelations, and when it comes right
down to cases you'll not find anything
that isn't expressed in those two words:
fair play.' It is sot only the cornerstone
on which Christianity ia built, but it is
the whole blamed structure. If you pulled
It out you'd have nothing left but a flim
sy shell of plaster that would crumble
US
CHRISTY tso who i v, - .. Bagvrtar VlS
sionate long for the sound of the surf
rolling: up in a majestic splendor and
splashing against the foundations of the
bathing pavilion, the tin type gallery,
and the moving-picture show. And I've
stopped at places where they'd charge
an Invalid corkage on . his hot water
bottle." -
"Where wuz it you went - to last
year?" Inquired the House Detective.
"I went to one of the fast card
places," said the Hotel .Clerk.- "Noth-
ng below a ten-spot could get in. By
borrowing several diamonds from
friends of mine, I managed to look
enough like big casino to slip by.'
"What made you fall for a joint like
that?" said the House Detective.
"I became enamoured of a picture on
the back of a circular they sent out,"
explained the Hotel Clerk. "It was a
work of art. It showed a regular
Howard Chandler Christy boy sitting
on the green sward dressed up tn a
ye-heave ye-hoe necktie, and a pair of
those non-crcasable ' duck pants like
you see in a clothing ad, playing a
mandolin for a lovely lithograph in a
ball-room costume.-who was paddling
a brand new birchbark canoe up a
creek an inch 'and a half wide. In the
background the silvery moon was ris
ing over a noble verandah full of
beauty and chivalry, the same as the
grandstand of a Southern fair the day
they have the country trot. T'nder-
into ruins at the first stiff breeze. And
let me give you a tip, Parson, that
there's a thundering lot of your congrega
tion who are plugging along through life
trying to live in that flimsy shell right
no.
"I'm not saying that this condition
exists because you aren't dealing out
the right dope, Parson, but I do say
HK-WULBYK-PUlIiD-DC-AT-A-CONVENTION-OF-DANKER-OR-A-CnURai-CONFERENCL."
that if you sky-pilots handed out a lit
tle more dope on the practical applica
tion of the precepts of the gospel; if
you got Inside the shell of Christian
ity and showed that the kernel consist
of playing fair with your fellow man
and being a good loser, there'd be a
blamed sight more people from this
community grabbing harp and get
ting a line with the serenaders along
the Golden Streets when Gabriel sounds
his bugle call. And I've got a hunch,
too. that there'll be a thundering lot
of these pillars in the church who will
be mightily surprised when they have
to stand outside the Pearly Gates and
-watch a bunch of square sports who
have always played fair with their fel
lowmen filing in. '
"Now, Parson, getting back to this
Christian atmosphere that you was
talking about, I've been pumping a
good bit of the atmosphere that sur
rounds soorts into my lungs of late;
" OOV JVS. 5v?' I t "ke a c?uple of BraziI nuts, and they
!MXviwYf!2' y1$ H . I . had seven children all the same age.
ONE OF THO SEUIFE
neath was a line saying rooms would fr
bo five a day and up. But when I got
there, they didn't have anything left
but ups.
"Didn't the rest of it pan out acr
cordin to the chromo?'i said the House
Detective. '
"Well, not so as to cause any grate
ful guest to rush away and make an
affidavit," said the Hotel Clerk. "Any
young gentleman who sat on the green
sward in front of that hotel. In a pair
of duck pants, couldn't play the man
dolin with any degree of satisfaction.
He'd have to play the grind organ, so's
he couldihave 6ne hand free to skirmish
for the red' ants. That hotel may have
been shy in some regards, but she ex
celled in ants. Persistent little creatures
IN WHICH HE HANDS OUT SOME DOPE CONCERNING
and I'm wise to the fact that there are
a lot of guys connected with- sports
who taint the air worse than a BUe
factory. But let me tell ' you . tnat
you've got them among your mer
chants and your doctors. In politics,
law offices and pulpits, too. You'll
butt into them ' everywhere, and the
atmosphere surrounding a lot of those
business Joints Isn't, a blamed bit purer
than what you can find in sports, but
the world has acquired the habit . of
using smelling salts aro&nd these
dumps. I wonder. Parson, if St. Peter
will be using any smelling salts when
they line up for inspection on. Judg
ment Day, and I'm just a little curious
to see If he will make the same dis
tinction between the honest sport and
the honest business man that the
world does. I may be wrong. Parson,
but I'd 3 take a little money on -the
chance that if the angels wanted to
play a game of ball on the vacant lots
of the New Jerusalem, they'd at least
find enough ball players loafing along
the curb stones of the Golden Streets
to scare up a game of rounders.
'"I hope you'll pardon me for handing
you this little spiel. Parson, but I've
been wound up on this subject for some
time, and you came along and touched
off the spring."
Oh, that's all right," replied the
-Of -TH&-PARTY 60YS .
they were. They'd play Mystic Maze in
and out o-f a peck-a-boo waist until they
got dizzy - and fell down the back 'of
some passing neck. I got enough red
ants In the two weeks I waS there to
last me through the Fall and well into
the Winter." '
"How 'bout the gal with the canoe?"
asked the House Detective. "Didn't they
have her, neither?"
"Oh, yes, indeed, she was there." said
the Hotel Clerk. "But she didn't sport
many low-neck princess gowns, not while
I was around. She was shaped like a
model tenement, and she didn't wear any
shoes, and she had those large, dark
red, self-reliant feet, and she lived down
by the river in a tent with her husband,
who was a bushy party with thumb nails
Parson, "go ahead! I'll confess I'm in
terested in your views. "Who knows
but you will- make me a" convert and
an ardent worker for your gospel of
fair play?' "
"I wish I could. Parson. I wish I
could," replied the Old Sport. "It's
all right to hand 6ut these spiels about
an air of respectability, -and 'gentle
manly callings, and all Uat much; but
it'd take a powerful lot of preaching
to make me think that there was much
wickedness in a man who has always
played fair with his fellowmen, no
matter what his calling or position in
this life may be. I've got a good
sized hunch that will be mighty hard
to knock out of my system,, that he
is one-guy who has about as close to a
cinch on the Pearly Gates as it is pos
sible for mortal man to have.
"You'll find a bunch of long-faced
old skinflints In this world. Parson,
who think that they have the Pearly
Gates cinched. Just because they cough
up the ante for the contribution bas
ket every Sunday, and they fondly
imagine that when they climb up the
Golden Stairs they are going to enter
the New Jerusalem through the pass
gate and occupy a seat in a private
box. I believe some of these old crabs
really nurse the dope that they are
stock holders In the institution. But
let me tell you," Parson, that I know
a lot of good square sports who have
always played fair and never kicked
a man when they had him down, fel
.loys who get the icy mittfrora the
so-called higher classes of this old
dump of a misguided world, and who
are scorned by a lot of hypocritical old
skins who aren't fit to couch tne hem
of th4ir garments, and you can take
my tip that these square sports will
have It put all over a bunch of these
money-grabbing ' old hypocrites when
the season closes and the Recording
Angel figures up the official averages.
"Let me give you an. instance. Par
son. Coming home from the West last
week, I sat In a game of poker with
three guys who were perfect stran
gers to me. In the course of the game
I copped four kings, two of the fel
lows dropped out, but the other guy
had his mug plastered up against a
royal flush. I raised his bet, of course,
and would have kept right on down to
my shirt, as four kings is good enough
any time to take a chance at betting
your head off. The other guy was sit
ting behind the highest hand In the
deck, but he simply called and laid
down his hand. : saying: 'It's no good,
you couldn't take the money from this
fist with a gatling gun.'
"Now, Parson, that guy had a sure
thing, and he could have made me go
home in a barrel, if he had wanted to.
If he had only held an ordinarily good
hand, he would have played it to the
limit, but he refused to take advantage
of an opportunity - where be had no
chance to lose. Now. how many re
spected business men have we in this
community who would refuse to play
a sure thing in their 'business? How
many merchants would refuse to boost
the price of any product when he knew
it was a cinch that he could get it?
There Is no fair play in any transac
tion where the chances are all on one
side, whether it is in playing poker or
selling a pound of prunes. And you
can take it from me, Parson, that there
They sold the hotel its fresh fish
"The' assemblage on the veranda was
also a disappointment in some respects,
Larry. Most of the time Is was clogged
up with stout ladies that came down in
the morning with so many diamonds on
that they looked like a bunch o.f crystal
wedding celebrations. . When they's
worked through the breakfast card as
far as the date line and union label at
the bottom.- they'd , come out on the
porch and sit in a row and be exclusive.
A lady with two stomachers and a tiara
wouldn't speak to a lady with only one
dinky little stomaclier and no tiara at
all, and the poor, forlorn lady who only
had a pair of diamond earrings would
sit there alone with 'em hanging down
on each side of her unhappy countenance
like quotation marks enclosing a harsh
word, and she'd have to talk to herself.
"It was one of those cs la oli airmen ts
where everybody dressed for '.inner and
then fried to look like they were used to
doing It every night at home. Their at
tire was so correct it was painful. An
elderly gentleman would come todJ'.lng
flown stairs in his dinner coat and his
THE GOSPEL OF FAIR
is more spirit of .fair pj more de
mand for an equal chance all around,
in sports today than there is In every
day business methods.
"An equal chance and a fair deal is
the very spirit of sport, without which
It ceases to be sport -and becomes a
graft. You don't cough up the ante to
get into a prizefight to see a heavy
weight knock the eternal daylights out
TjllNK-m-MVE'THE-PEABTf
CINCHED-bE.CAUcJL-'niEf' C0U6H-UP-THE-ANTE.-F0R-m0miBUTION-t)A5KEI-VERrUM)AI
nf some skinny little shrimp - of " a
featherweight, like yon see the strong
combinations of capital putting It all
over the little guy in the business
world. Not on your life. In the sport
ing world . each contestant has to be
doped out to have a chance or there is
nothing doing. The trouble with a lot
of you guys. Parson, is that you place
yourself on a pinnacle so high above
the world of sport that -you can't -see
its good points with the Lick telescope.
And if you do condescend to take a
peep at it, you plaster your mug
against the wrong end of the telescope.
"Now, while we are on the subject
of prizefighting, which this old dump of
a world probably regards aa the lowest
form of sport, let me tell you e'bout
an Incident which made a dent in my
thinking machinery that time can never
plug up. I was planted In a bunch of
low brows at the ringside one night
when, just before the windup came on.
THE BUNCH
ON the
lingerie vest, accompanied by his lady
wife, all in white, with three kinds of
jewelry. He'd be looking like one of
those foolish birds they call a penguin,
and she'd be a cross between a floating
island and a memorial window. But they
couldn't keep . from reverting to form
when they began to eat. . He needed a
laprobe and a pair of overshoes when he
tried to invade a grapefruit, and when
she went to the consomme the general
effect was something like - draining the
bass, tuba after a hard street parade.
But after dinner- they'd go out on the
veranda, and when tire band wasn't play
ing they'd have a strictly private discus
sion In a loud, clear tone of voice about
whether they'd buy another touring car
right away or try to struggle along a
month or so with the four or Ave they
had.
"You know how it is, Larry, After a
while grandeur palls on you. But I've
always been very proud of the fact that I
once paid eight dollars a day for a room
the size of a bureau drawer.
"I think it was the year before that I
went'to the seashore. But I didn't care
for the waiter I had. It was a warm
Summer, and he was so opn -pored.
PLAY.
a weazen-faded cripple kid crawled
through the ropes and leaned on a
crutch in the middle of the ring. The
shriveled little body was twisted and
distorted, and the' prematurely aged
face had physical and mental suffering
plastered all over it. The noisy mob
instantly buttoned up their gab to see
what was going to come off, and the
kid's weazened little face opened and
GATES-
turned loose a song'in a piping, tin-can
sort of 'voice. Before he had waded
through the first line a quarter hit the
canvas Inside the ropes, and then fol
lowed a shower of silver contributions
that would make some of your church
societies splatter the local paper full
of reports to put the world next to
the good they were doing. Another
kid got busy with his cap, and when
the returns were all in he had hie
own and the cxipple kid's cap both full
of silver coins'ihat had been chucked
into the ring" oy that gang of low
brows, all of whom dug Into their jeans
to give the unfortunate kid a lift. Com
parisons may be odious. Parson, but I
couldn't help wondering bow much the
cripple kM would have pulled down at
a convention of bankers or a church
conference.
There's nothing to it. Parson, there's
no finer thing in all Christendom than
charityA And let me tell you that if a
That's my luck at a Summer hotel. 1
always catch a barber that's having a
tooth treated and a waiter that suffers
from the extremes of weather. I seemed
to notice the onn oores in mv waiter tliA
first day. and after that I asked him t
bring me mine In a covered dish. He
did. and then it reminded me of rain on a
tin roof.
"So 1 didn't think so much of him. If
I went out on the beach after dinner I
butted into one of those life-of-the-party
boys telling ha'ck-page humor to Mag?.
G'ggle and her cousin. Ma me Gurgle. Or
a flock of mosquitoes the sire of
homing pigeons came out of the marsh
and tried to undress me. If I struck to
the porch I missed the child comedian,
but I always got wedyed into a corner
by some stout old party who went to
sleep with his mouth ajar, so he looked
like, a general delivery window in the
fare and made noises with his larynx,
like a sealion coming up to breathe In
Puget Sound." - c
"Well, there's them country farmhouses
where they have home cookln and every
thing," put in the House Detective.
"I've taken that course at the Sum
mer, normal, likewise," said the Hotel
Clerk.- "You lay awake in your snug
little bedroom upstairs over the kitch
en refe"! eelng a smelling contest be
tween a coal-oil -lamp, a bouquet of
wax flowers in the parlor, and the
afterglow of the fried , cabbage. A
pinching bug a little larger than ft
Philadelphia roasting chicken comes la
and tries to butt his brains out against
the,celling, and can't make it. and gets
disgusted and fa(!s in your eye- and
wants to settle there and make his
home, A dog that ate something for
dinner that didn't agree with him gets
under your window and refers to the
matter. And so you lay there think
ing of the close, etuffy city where ths
lights are all lit on Broadway, and
where the roof-gardens are going, and
where the electric fans are buzzing,
and where everything must be miser
able, and then along about daylight,
when you're just drifting off, all the
roosters in the county and the adjoin
ing county begin to practice one of
Victor Herbert s pieces, and you have
a perfectly grand time. Or" else you
walk three miles through the dust to a
roadhouse and crowd into a box stall
and drink meadow lark booze. You
know the meadow lark brand the kind
that makes you want to sit In the
damp grass and sing to yourself?. And
you order soft-boiled eggs of a moin
ing and when they come you're sorry
you didn't make It dropped eggs, be
cause the best thing you can do with
that kind of an egg is to drop it hur
riedly and step aside and leave it. And
you go out in the woods, and the poison
Wy gets you. Leastwise, 1t always gets
me. Poison ivy will skip right on by
fully 20 young, teething babies, all
with a predisposition toward nettle
rash, In order to touch me up with red
spots until I feel like a Studcbaker
wagon."
"It does look like you're kind of lim
ited," said the House Detective. "What
d'ye reckon you'll do?"
"I think maybe I'll stay In and have
a real vacation," said the Hotel Clerk.
lot of those long-faced old crabs who
like to 'chuck a few coins where the
rest of the world will hear them jingle
and know all about it would only show
half the charity that Is being pulled
off every day in the world of sport
that nobody talks about, this little old
dump of a world would be splattered
with a little more happiness, and .the
sunshine would filter through the
chinks into the dark corners with a
little more frequency.
"It is (he spirit or fair play that
prompts charity, Parson, and the spirit
of fair play is behind every Chris
tian impulse. And let me give you the
tip that 'fair play,' an equal chance
and being a good loser, are th little
lessons that every sensible man should
pull out of sports. That's the Chris
tian atmosphere that I've been pump
ing into my lungs, Parson, and it'
the gospel that I've been spreading.
If you can bjeat it in this old dump
of a village you've got to show me."
"I'll confess there's some food for
thought there, anyway," replied the
Parson.
"Well, thlrk it over, Parson; I'll ee
you' later," replied the Old Sport.
As the Old Sport passed the parson -sge
next morning on his way to the
blacksmith shop to pitch quoits, the
Parson hailed him.
"Come around to the church next
Sunday," he said; "the text of my ser
mon is to be 'Fair Play, or the Golden
Rule Boiled Down.'"
"I'll be on the job," replied the Old
Sport.
Talking Record Says Too Much.
New Tork Tribune.
"Take it from me." said a commercial
traveler who has Just returned from a
long trip. "If you have the talking ma
chine habit at your house and you send
records to your wife with loving mes
sages, have a dress rehearsal every time
before you address the package. I sent
a retird from Chicago, and when it came
my" wife called inthe family, the children
and my mother-in-law to "hear papa
talk.' Things must have got mixed in
the shipping department at Chicago, be
cause It wasn't papa's voice at all. and
what the machine did say was probably
arranged to be heard anywhere except
in a family circle. My wife stopped it in
time, but her mother well, as I said, be
sure and avoid trouble and insist on the
dress rehearsal."
.Submarine for Sponge-Fishing.
London Echo.
Illustrations, together with a full de
scription, are given in a Parisian Jour
nal of a novel type of submarine intended
for the sponge-Ashing industry on .the
coast of Tunis. The vessel is built whol
ly of Iron and is 16.4 feet in length by
6.24 feet In diameter, the general form be
ing cylindrical, with hemispherical ends.
It is intended to carry two men, and is
fixed so as to enable the vessel to move
along the sea bottom. An electHc lamp
with reflectors fixed in front will serve
to illuminate the bed of the sea, and a
glazed spv hole in the bow of the vessel
! enables the crew to seek out and to
I gather the sponges.