THE SUNDAY OREGON IAN, PORTLAND, FEBRUARY 2, 1908
5
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JU HMlUb
phtHt u I iMpa fpv
PAYING THE PIPER
BY JIM
SOME one who had the divine gift
of knowing what is what has
written in imperishable ink the
fact that "he who dances must pay
the piper." There are probably about
seven million different ways in which
this event can be pulled off. There
may be more, but as expert statis
ticians have never taken up the task
It is impossible to do more than ap
proximate the number. From my ex
perience I should say there are about
seven million. I. have spent a. big
chunk of my young and promising
life in paying this mercenary mu
'sician, so I ought to know something
about it, but If any reader has discov
ered more than seven million ways I
1 would be glad to become personally
i acquainted with' him and hand over
'the medals which I now hold for per
1 forming this duty.
During my brilliant and honorable
I career I may have been caught from
itime to time busily engrossed in the
I passing SQenery when the streetcar
conductor came - in to collect the
fares, or I may have occasionally
saved the price of a bridge ticket by
slipping through in the rush, but
when it came to "paying the piper"
I can honestly say that I have never
cheated him out of a penny. In fact,
I have always paid him usurious in
terest and ' told him to keep the
'change. I am liberal in that way. If
(anyone else has gone to the dance
jwith me I always insisted on paying
,'his share, too. I dance like a club
Ifooted elephant, too, and have never
derived much pleasure from the ter
pischorean festivities, but I am always
Johnny-on-the-Spot when it comes to
paying the piper.
I am not claiming any particular
credit for this, as I'll admit that it
may have been caused from the fact
that the piper is a blamed good col
lector. I know that there are a thun
dering lot of dead-heads and tight
wads in this world who like to go
through life enjoying themselves at
other people's expense, but let me
tell you that they've got to be pretty
slick to evade paying the piper.
They may dodge him for a while,
but they've usually got to cough up
the coin some time, and the longer
the payment is deferred the more in
terest that grasping little musician
will collect. The worst feature about
the whole business is that the statute
of limitation does not apply to debts
o.wed to the piper, and he doesn't
live a tinker's damn whether you are
IVUU WU2J
AMONG its patrons, the Hotel St.
Reckless numbered many of
those foreign gentlemen who
come to this country to drive our tally
ho teams and give us readings from
their own works and marry our avail
able heiresses, and get in jail for beat
ing the bills of our side-street boarding-house
keepers. Two of these alien
guests, persons of a- Latinesque aspect
and a florid conversational manner,
were engaged in earnest debate In a
nook of the marble lobby. The House
Detective contemplated them sourly
for a period.
"Look at the little one with the del
sarty shoulder blades and the Swo
bocia eyebrows," said the House De
tective to the Hotel Clerk. Look at
hiin, will you? He's ualn" up more ges
tures than would tako Senator Bever
age through the Iowa Chautauqua cir
cuit, and he's eplttln' out language like
a deranged scent bottle, but I bet if
you was to git it translated, all he's
sayln' to hla small friend with the
fever-worn moustache is that it's a fine
day, but he wouldn't be surprised if
it allowed before night." Them bum
counts gimme an acuta pain."
"Calm yourself, Larry," said the Ho
tel Clerk, "pray, calm yourself. So
do they give me a poignant pang some
times, but I 8y nothing about it. It's
not .good manners for a true Ameri
can to admit that we ever find any
thing distasteful about the members of
the upper classes of Europe who honor
us with their presence from time to
time. The only thing to do Is to lock
up the silverware and welcome them
with a warm smile and cash their bum
cheeks for them, and ignore the fact
that they are frequently wearing
titles which they borrowed when the
real owners happened hot to be look
ing. There's something about the mere
smell of a moth-infested title that im
mediately prompts the average New
Yorker to make a deckle-edjged, hand
tooled. -Japanese vellum, full Moroc
co calf-skin idiot of himself, anyhow.
"Besides, Larry, we ought to remember
how much thought the nations of JCu
rope give to us, and how we have their
hearty good-wishes for many happy re
turns of the day whenever we get Into
trouble. The great Continental journal
devotes columns to it every time we ex
perience one of those little things which
used to be a panic when Grover Cleve
land was President, but which is now
merely a passing flurry that soon fades
away, leaving the financial horizon much
cleared, in fact, leaving It cleared of
anything remotely resembling coin. If
one of pur warships stubs her toe and
puts her foot through her papier-mache
and gum arable armor plate as she
conies off the drydocks, the London
Times Is almost instantly upon the job.
When we, pull oft a big murder trial.
Burnished with alienists, child-brides and
Southern smllax, the papers on the other
side overlook none of the side-bets. The
French populace Is ready any time to
stop raiding an unprotected nunnery and
read with unfeigned horror the details
of the latest Arkansas lynching.
"We ought to be especially grateful for
the interest they're all taking In the
cruise of our fleet around the Horn to
the Pacific side, which is so-called be-
SlfiiO
NASITJAI.
worth it or not. If he can't get
the coin he'll take It out of your
hide. He usually does both. The
piper is certainly the real velvet
goods as a collector of bad debts.
I know that sometimes It seems as
("WELL, FYE BEEN HAYIN A P
rcin jr f i int.-) nr i
guess rnucK ehough
TO DODGE PAYING THE PIPER.
M(MDR-ELUDING -THE-
TfiYIKb-TO-COLLECT-HIS-MU&C-BILL.
though, a, bunch of . people were
sacheting through life doing a lot of
dancing and never 1 eing compelled
to cough up for the music, but don't
you believe it for a minute. . Some
TLB WGULDJfT 33 SURPRISED IF 7? S7WJm&AffF0XS WZGHT
cause it isn't. Hardly a day passes that
a dispatch doesn't come palpitating
across by cable saying that a messase
received at Copenhagen from the special
correspondent of the Parisian Petit Pois
at Port of Spain states "that it is reliably
reported at Omaha, Neb., that the bat
tleship Connecticut, in backing out of the
harbor of Valparaiso, struck a sunken
fine-tooth comb and tore all the tissue
paper plates off her bottom.
"If the present peace-making voyage
should involve us In a muss with any
neighbor of a sallow-yellowish complex
ion residing at the first corner on the
left of the next hemisphere, the great
powers of Europe would all be acutely
distressed over the catastrophe, especial
ly Germany. It would be days before the
Germans quit wiping the tears out of
their eyes, because when a German does
laugh, he laughs until he cries. '
"Next to the Germans, I think may
be it's the French who are mostly con
cerned oyer the fear that we'll get
into a tidy little. war with our malarial
allies, the Japanese. Note, please,
Larry, that in using the 'word 'allies'
I put the accent on the last syllable.
Thank you. I see where a leading
Paris editor has made the discovery
that our navy Is entirely untrustwor
thy and he Is endeavoring to conceal
the alarming intelligence by printing
something about It on the front page
of his paper every few minutes.
"The French may well point with
day the piper is going to back them
up into a Corner and skin them clear
down to their collar buttons. ! Maybe
Ire is fleecing them all the time and
we don',t know it, and they may not
be wise themselves until they come
to count up the cost of the dance.
Then you'll hear a noise like Mr. R.
E. Morse. ' . . ,
I remember distinctly of occasions
In the past which I am now trying
to live down, when I dodged up the
back alles's and barred myself in the
strong room and proceeded to hand
myself a pat on the back for eluding
the piper, -who was around trying to
collect his music bills. Then about
the time my smile was becoming so
expansive that the lobe of my shell
like ear would begin to move back
into the shrubbery which keeps the.
back of my neck from telescoping my
classic brow, would get a jolt in the
slats which would put me down for
the count, and when I woke up 1
usually had nothing but a very much
frayed character with which to be
gin life anew. That blamed nasty
little piper had slipped in through
the keyhole and collected His debt.
I have quit dancing now- to a large
extent, but the trouble is that these
dances aren't advertised and a fellow
is mighty apt to butt into one when
he thinks he Is going to, church, or
to a ward meeting, or a bridge whist
social, or a penny-ante conclave, or
some other harmless little event.
Then the piper comes, around and
you've got to liquidate. There ought
to be something done to prevent this
system of deception. A fellow should
know where the free dances are be
ing pulled off, and which are the
events in which you've got to spend
the rest of your life paying the piper.
It. isn't right to have a fellow gliding
through the Blue Danube waltz for
a few minutes in the seventh heaven
of delight, and then have him figur
ing up. next day to see whether he
attended a frolic or a funeral. If
this pernicious little piper was com
pelled by law to hang out a sign and
advertise the dances in which he fur
nishes the music he would soon have
to go out . of business from lack of
patronage. And there would be a
blamed sight more dancers' in the
world, too. .
Another thing I would advocate is
some means by which to compel him
to give you a receipt when you pay
him, so he couldn't collect the bill for
the same' music twice. I know one
little dance for which I have paid
the piper at least 50 times, and I
suppose that when I fold my icy
limbs and prepare to cross the River
Jordan he'll come around and hold
up the ferryboat with injunction pro
ceedings to levy further tribute.
This isn't right. It 'is contrary to
law and common decency, which Is
jcjBUxrxtsrcr
pride to their own noteworthy achieve
ments along the line of military endea
vor. No other country has been able
to touch 'em. Their war balloons never
come down and their submarines never
come up. When one of their balloons
departs, you .can calculate on the same
finish for it you always find in the last
picture of a comic supplement series;
and whan one of their submarines dis
appears beneath the bosom of. the river
with a low gurgling sound and a cou
ple of bubbles, it's a proper time for
the relations of the crew to begin
picking out something suitable in black
for everyday wear. The time they
pulled off their army scandal it had
every other army scandal looking like
a Sunday school leaflet, and when they
have a mishap In their navy, It's re
nowned for completeness and thorough
character. You remember, I suppose,
Larry, that big ship of theirs that struck
a floating pop bottle or a derelict Cam
enbert cheese or . some other deadly
obstacle not so long ago, in the har
bor of Toulon or Toulouse or Tootlght
or one of those small French ports,
and went down with such promptness
that on the following morning all that
came ashore with the' tide were a few
absinthe stoppers and one pair of those
fearsome red flannel pants, such as
the French dress -their marines in, in
order to strike terror to the hearts of
the foe before the fighting begins. I
wouldn't be surprised any day to hear
higher than any. law ever invented.
A man shouldn't be compelled to pay
any bill more than once whether
it is a music bill or a beer debt.
Then, too, there doesn't seem to be
any system about the regulation of
rates in paying the piper. Some fel
lows insist on dancing every dance,
when, they dance so infernally awk
ward that they tramp around on
everybody's pet corn and rip the
trains off the beautiful decollette
gowns something fierce. Yet they
seem to get off with a lower rate in
the music bill than some of the boys
who only dance occasionally just to
keep In the swim, and who aren't in
struments 'of torture to every other
dancer on the Root and the spectators
as well.. Now this piper, whom the
sages all say we simply must pay if
we intend to dance, should use some
common sense in making out his mu
sic bills. This system of soaking the
poor fellow of whom you hear every
body say "he is his own worst enemy
and doesn't harm anybody but him
self," doesn't make much of a hit
with disciples of fair play. It would
be a much more satisfactory work
ing basis if he soaked the whole music
bill onto the awkward ox who kicks
the lead couple on the kneecap and
spikes his partner on the shins every
time he takes a half-nelson on his
corner for the grand swing. The fel
low who makes his dancing a hard
ship to other is the one who should
pay the piper or get oft the floor.
Now, a great many people are float
ing around with the impression that
the little diversion known as "paying
the piper" comes only after a dance
in which "wine, women . and song"
have taken part. But don't you be
lieve It for a minute. Not on your
life. Every day we see some fellow
whom the world says Is in hard luck,
but when we come to look over his
record we find that he is only paying
the .piper for an error in Judgment
in executing the figures of a dance
which the world has stamped with its
approval. Perhaps he took a partner
for the matrimonial dance, or he may
have kicked up his heels in Wall
street, or gone into business, or some
other perfectly legitimate dance, and
when he should have been swinging
his partner perhaps he was down at
the other end of the set doing the
grapevine twist, or when the figures
of the dance required him to be lead
ing off to the right and swinging
three hands he was putting the dance
on the bum trying to circulate. -.
It's tough to have topay the piper
for these little errors of judgment
when you're . dancing the best you
know how and traveling In the path
of rectitude, but the wise guy is the
one who doesn't butt into a dance in
which he doesn't know the figures.
Just because a fellow cap schottische
the French navy had been taken in
land on a dray and safely mounted
upon skids above the high-water mark.
"It would likewise be a source of much
grief to England if Japan and us should
become kinked together like a pair of
interlocking pretzels. For blood is thick
er than water, Larry, as somebody
has remarked, although not so thick
as Yorkshire pudding, and our Bngllsh
cousins love ua with sucb tenderness that
they become positively green-eyed from
affection every time they contemplate
the figures of our export trade."
"Well, the Russians la alt right, any
how," said the House Detective. "Look
what they done for Taft."
"Maybe It's .because they're not such
good friends of ours as some of the oth
ers, that the Russians seem to 'hate us
less cordially," said the Hotel Clerk.
"They have been kind, haven't they? And
they certainly did help along- the Taft
boom. I've had my uneasy feelings some
times about whether Taft woulJ carry
Ohio, but Russia was never in doubt a
Single minute. Every place he stopped
on his trip across Manchuria, the offl
olals came down to the station to give
him vodka -to take the taste of the caviar
out of his mouth, and then caviar to kill
the taste of tbe vodka, and so on back
and forth for hours at a stretch.
"D'ye think Taft will be the nominee?"
asked the House Detective.
"Well, I don't know," said tbe Hotel
Clerk. "Sometimes I think he will that's
and do the hop waltz is no reason
why he should think that he can get
through the lancers without putting
the whole set oh the bum. I've often
gone on the floor Just to fill up a set,
thinking, that my partner could pull
me through and that before we would
get through with the first change I
pLET ME, SEE. )
WHERE THE. V JZ-x
DEUCE 1
llGURING-UP-KEXT-MY-SOJ
OR-A-FUNERJLL--
illy ;
would be next to the whole business.
But I have usually found that before
we had progressed as far as "Sally In
the garden and seven hands around"
I was making a fool of myself and
getting In debt to the piper.
The fellow who starts in to "paint
the foreground of his life in a rich
Vermillion hue Is going to be working
Ski one?
SAFELY TWZ&ZTED (WSXZDS
when I've been reading the telegrams
from Washington and sometimes I think
he won't that's when I've been reading
the telegrams from Cleveland and Cin
cinnati, Then again I become enthused
over the Hughes boom. But I see Gov
ernor Hughes' picture in the paper, and
I say to myself no man with whiskers
like that, or those, could get the nomina
tion, and if tie did, the Democrats would
put up Hap Ward, of the well-known
team of Ward & Vokes, on a platform
favoring the free and unlimited coinage
of whiskers and beat him out by many
strands. I don't know why whiskers
should be comedy, Larry, but they' are.
Whiskers are comedy, and so Is a pickle,
and "so is an onion, and so are white gait
ers like Marks, the lawyer, wears, and
so is a fried egg. A plain egg is not
funny, but a fried egg Is good for a laugh
In any company. The same with whis
kers, whether straight or curly. And so,
if I was Hughes and wanted to be Pres
ident, I'd go to a barber shop, if I could
find one, and if not, I'd go to a tonsorial
parlor, and I'd hire a good journeyman
barber or tonsil for the day and I'd de
nude myself of that funereal wealth of
facial immortelles he's wearing. I think,
maybe, I'd thaw out a bit, too. He might
as well, because Fairbanks has already
got the icehouse vote sewed up and put
away.
'It's starting out to be a strange
campaign, Larry. Up until now, the
Democrats were always the ones that
for the piper before he gets up to the
middle distance of his life study. And
let me tell you that he won't be daub
ing -with red paint, either. No, the
piper Is going to superintend the
painting of the finishing touches in
that fellow's life study, and the piper
is an. artist who always paints in blue.
And the more red paint you daub on
the first coat, the more blue effects
will the piper put in the finishing
touches.
It's all well enough for a fellow to
say that he is going to dance while he
Is young, and when he gets older he
is going to cut it out and settle down,
but you can take my tip that he'll
fought right through. Before the con
vention, they were fighting the Re
publicans and after the convention
they were fighting each othe'r. But this
time I fa the Republicans that are hav
ing a free-for-all, with no holts
barred, and gouging permitted, or, in
fact, encouraged. If it keeps up it
ought to be a grand thing from a busi
ness standpoint for Southern delegates.
There'll be many a one of them who'll
be able to go home from the Chicago
convention and resign his little bcc
ond class post office and live in com-,
fort on hta income."
"The President ain't taking no hand
in the muss just now, is lie?" inquired
the House Detective.
"No, not a very active hand only
about 12 or 14 hours a day," said the
Hotel Clerk. "Most of his attention is
concentrated on' the navy department.
There's been a row because he Insist
ed on putting a hospital ship or two
In the hands of a family doctor with
great experience In teething cases and
membranous croup. Instead of turnisg
over the command to a naval officer
whose only qualification for the Job
was that he hadn't done anything but
ail ships for thirty or forty years."
"D'ye think the President was
right?" asked the House Detective.
- "To be sure he was right," said the
Hotel Clerk. "He's right In every
thing he does except when he's wrong.
find it tough work to settle down
when h6 is busy settling up with the
piper. And the piper is a blamed
good bookkeeper and doesn't skip
any accounts. He doesn't call more
than once for an unpaid bill, either.
He gets it with compound interest the
first time he comes around, and don't
you forget it.
The trouble is that too many people
don't appreciate the fact that they
are paying the piper. If he would
only come around like any other col
lector and knock on the.froiu door
and say that he had a little music bill
which he wished to collect. It would
be different. Then we would know
what wc are up against. But he
doesn't do business in the open like
this. No, he'll sneak in when your
back's turned and cop it out of the
cash register, and nine out of ton men
blame somebody else instead of. real
izing that they are paying the piper.
Then they go riglit ahead dancing
and consequently go right ahead
paying the piper. Now if fie
would ' collect his bills in a business-like
way, or at least leave a
receipt so that a fellow would know
that he has been liquidating a music
bill, we would be better-able to figure
up the cost of these dances, and it's a
ten-to-one shot that there would be a
blamed sight less dancing and a lot of
us would bo cutting this business of
paying the piper off our expense list.
I am not bringing up this point as
an excuse for attending the dance,
but it looks, to me like a more business-like
way of collecting a bill.
Yet if we all only realized the truth
of the saying that "he who dances
must pay the piper," and when we
bumped into a slump instead of lay
ing it to hard luck or some other in
nocent cause, wc would look back
into the dim, distant, past, adown the
misty aisles of change, and dig up
even a faint recollecton of a certain
dance which we attended once upon
a time, we would probably ' reali.o
more fully that wo are paying the
piper for that little event and .turn
down all future invitations to these
Iittlu terpsichorean festivities. Be
cause the piper certainly does charge
extremely exorbitant rates for his
music.
The piper's music rates have been
heavily advertised, too, but the trou
ble is that too many people think that
it is a. press agent gag of the opposi
tion's and don't believe it. They go
right ahead dancing and taking
chances. But you can take it from
one who has been to the school of ex
perience and is familiar with the
rates that they are not exaggerated.
Experience is a dear teacher, but if
you go to school to some other fel
low's experience the tuition Is less.
This plan isn't usually adopted, however.
and then Loeb did it. But he's not
carrying the idea far enough, to my
notion. Since we got a doctor to run
the hospital ships, I think we ought to
extend the plan to tlie other branches
of the service. To handle the cavalry,
I would suggest a good horse doctor,
and for the general staff a beauty doc
tor." "How about the infantry?" asked the
House Detective.
"That's easy," said the Hotel Clerk.
"For the infantry I'd get a corn doctor."
To Mj Parents.
By Hermann Pudrmann.
Dams Carp, with the chill of her dismal
spell.
Futh-r and mother, you know tier well;
'Tl ."0 years iln;o she passed with you
From your native land to a strange, and
new.
While the dripping; mist of the Autumn day
Hung dump and cold on the cheerless viy,
And the wind that whittled and piped alunff
Was all that you had for a wedding song.
And when at the end f weeks of toll
Toil had reared a home on the forest soil,
And entered in at the lowly door,
lame 4'are sLood there at your side ones
more.
And sprpad out her lonely arms to bless
Your hearth, your home and your happi
ness And those whose souls in the outer sea
Were sleeping the sleep of the yet to be.
And tlmo slipped by the cradle old.
That now In the garret's dust and mold
Enjoys Its well-deserved rest.
Four times received a str-anger guest;
Then, as tho twilight ohanged to gloom, .
A shadow stole through the silent room.
And grew to the old crone dim and gray.
And hung o'er the crib where the baby lay.
And the tilings that her presence boded you.
Your lives have seen them all come true.
In sighing and weeping. In care and moil.
In the pain of the long day's aching toil.
And In dismal nights when you watched the
breath
Of the. child whose steeping was nigh to
death.
And now you are weary and bowed and
gray.
But the same-old woman still haunts your
way.
With languid hands and with eyes of stons,
In the lonely boutfe with its children gone;
From empty cupboard to table bare,
From threshold to threshold, here and there.
And she sits by tho hearth when you sleep
tn your bed.
And welds the new day to the day that is
dead.
Father and mother, be not dismayed.
Though your heads are bowed and- your
spirits weighed
By a sordid lifetime dull and drear;
There will yet, ere your dark day draws
to end.
A festal evening from heaven descend.
We children are young, we have zeal and
mi glit.
And rouraxa is ours to hew and fight:
We know how to struggle where rocks ars
piled.
And we know where the flowers of joy grow
wild;
Foon back to the dear old house we'll pour.
And chase Dame Care from the laughing
door.
Transatlantic Tales.
An Kndle), Chain.
New York Sun.
Thanks be for phrases such as this:
"Your kind remembrance came"
Since, It were surely hit or miss "
To call It by its name.
"Your beautiful and useful gift"
The thing glares at you now
When to its dim retreat you lift
A pained, iuttulriug brow.
This fearful shapa of twisted bows,
And stiff with paint and lace.
To frighten off hard won repose
' Claims on your couch u. place.
But hold your peace a while, and then
Another Chrtstmas Day
Thno things Khali scurry forth again
Upon their harrowing way. .
Ada Foster Murray.