THE SUNDAY" OREGOXIAX. PORTLAND, JANUARY 26, 1908.
1 rM rV ; K TV" : ' . ' - r J!
EVER tried it? You fellows who
are earning your- bread by the
sweat of your brow? And you
who are earning yours by the skin of
your teeth? Jf you haven't. I know
Sou've got the germ of the disease
sticking away down in the innermost
recesses of your overworked system
and gnawing at your vitals because
there isn't a piker who is-compelled to
listen o the dictation of a "boss," arrd
who lines op at the pay window each
week to get his little manila envelope,
ho doesn't dream of the day when
he can go into business for himself
and be his own ."boss." It is a disease
which we all get sometime or another
in our lives before we get to be full
blown men. It's Just like the measles
and the mumps and the whooping'
cough). The kid who goes through
life without catching all of them has
missed something which Is essential
to the makeup of a successful man.
It is sometimes contagious like the
aforesaid complaints, too. but usually
has to be cultivated like the booze
habit. . .
The best thing to do when you feel
this disease coming on 'is to go and
get it out of your system, because it
doesn't run its course like scarlet fe
er, and if you don't do something for
it your life will be an empty husk.
After you haje succeeded In. getting
lid 'of it you can come back and de
vote the rest of your life to making a
living with contentment and .satisfac
tion. You will thereafter go through
life with the deepest feeling of grati
tude for the privilege you enjoy of
lining up each week to get your little
stipend, and you will' give due credit
to the genius who Invented manila en
velopes. .
I caught this disease once in its
most acute form. I had wSded
through every other disease named in
the almanac when I was a kid, but I
never had anything'quite as bad as 1
had this Dementia Be-your-own-boss-Inero.
I Just had to do something for
it. I took the only cure that has ever
been discovered by going into business
and being my own boss.. Now, I am
happy to say; that after 'taking one
dose of that valuable remedy I. am
completely cured. Any person selling
this remedy can use my name in their
testimonials and go as far as they like.
Pefore taking this remedy I had no
appetite for work, but now I am hun
gry for It. . I did not relish the small
amount of til thy lucre in my weekly
envelope but now 1 am glad to get
half the amount. I find myself rav
enous for anything that even looks
like coin of the realm. I was former
ly apt to grow peevish and say nasty,
mean things If the "boss" told me to
clean the cuspidores or scrub down
the staircase, but one bottle of Going-Into-Buslnoss
has made me so docile
and accommodating that.l will gladly,
nay, even hilariously, jump out the
sixth-story window If. the boss only
lets me keep my job. Where I was
formerly jUssatlsfied with mi. lUtle
niche In life, I now feel perfectly safe
to say that I will go through life feel
ing perfectly happy and contented as
long as I have a job. Even picking
warts in a pickle factory will do: any
old kind of a Job. Just so it's a Job.
There is nothing like this great rem
edy of going into business to make one
appreciate the small things of life.
(mOT WOL'LD you do if you had
a million dollars?" asked the
House Detective of the Hotel
St. Reckless, as he watches the Little
Bisters of tuc Uleh flocking through the
cross-lobbies In evening garb, filling the
place wKh the slitter of rare stones and
Ihe mingled odor of those imported per
fumes which cost so much and smell so
bad.
"What would I do if I had a million?"
fehocd the Hotel Clerk. "Why, 1 s'pnse
I'd do what everybody else does that has
million. Thorps only two sets of
ihings that anybody does under sueh cir-i-umstAiiccs,
anyway. If a' man got his
million by working for it, ho breaks
clown his health and his disposition try
ing to run it up into two millions, and if
somebody died and left it to him he
breaks down his health just the same
trying to spend it. Of course, there are
a few exceptions to the rule here and
there., but I'm taking tho average run.
The man who really enjoys having the
millions dollars Is the man who earns
about sixty a month keeping books in a
coal office, and knows that sixty a month
will be the most he ever will earn, and
has plenty of spare time on his hands,
and just naturally lays back and blows
that million In on mental automobiles and
figurative champagne, and gets the worth
of his money every pop because that's the
ktnd of automobiles and champagne that
never run over anybody and never leave
that sealing-wax taste in a fellow's
mouth.
"Yes, Larry, 1 make no doubt in my
own mind I'd meastire up to all the ac
cepted standards if I had a million dol-l.u-3.
Ji I'd assembled that gratifying
million together a dollar at a time by
living on hydrunt water and hickory
nuts, by skinning my fellow-man down to
his suspender-huekle. and by wadding my
ears wiUi cotton wool every time the cry
of nlhietion happened along, I'd be like
the others lio got their millions the
panic way. I'd be desperately miserable
because, somebody else had gone and took
wild harnessed up ten millions in the
name length of time, and I'd be as busy
as a red ant on a hot rock trying to close
up the gap between us. And I'd die a
disappointed man with my work still un
finished, and when I was buried the peo
ple that had rented houses from me and
the people that had engaged in business
undertakings with me and the people that
had trusted my word would come out to
the cemetery and gather about the fam
ily lot in great numbers and contemplate
the tomb and give vent to the Persian
sign of mourning, which is done by hold
ing the thumb of the right hand to the
lip of the nose with the fingers extended,
and simultaneously crying 'Goodie, goodie.
Koodie!' in loud tone of voice. My heirs
would put a marble mausoleum over me
bout ilia size of a county jail and about
There Is nothing so minute and value
less that you will not learn to cling to
it with a grip that never relaxes, like
the peach-bloom on a Kentucky Leg
islator's nose. You w-ill be able to see
the true value of these small .things
after one dose of going into business,
as it is a great remedy for the eye
sight. You will be able to see that
the small particle's of- legal tender
which you- once handed to the waiter
for lugging in your porterhouse steak
were really intended for the purpose
rPAy h ''j :
NOBODY--LOOKING, ) . W : .
ON-A-PEM-'. J ' ilf
MOOT-OF-A-PLAT' HbF
of purchasing a plate of pork and
beans. . '
Then too. it is such a delightfuj.
change to .sit in the boss' chair and
feel that you are monarch of all you
survey. It makes you feel that you
are of . some' real value to 'the com
munity when you own the whole
blamed shooting match outside of the
mortgages. And you feel like a real
martyr when you come to make the
payments on these mortgages and find
that your family will have to worry
through the next month on liver and
oat meal porridge because it's the
cheapest thing on the market and your
as graceful looking. The papers, with
deep regret, would dig up all the care
less details of my early life and print 'em
in full. The regular relatives and the
extra family that always turns up in
Oklahoma or Minnesota, would start a
series of lawsuits over the will. The
lawyers would in due time get everything
pertaining, to the estate except the core
and peelings: the world at large would
call me an Old Slob, and all would be
well.
. "Or let us assume, Larry, that my
uncle in California . should die and
leave me a million where I could
get t it. Not that my uncle In Cali
fornia, will ever leave me a million;
from the present outlook all I'll gst
w.ien he dies will be his walking stick
that was cut from a tree ok Andrew
Jackson's birthplace, and a chance to
attend a G. A. R. funeral; but assum
ing that he did leave me a million,
Larry, just assuming that be did. can't
GOING INTO
credit is getting frayed around the
edges. But you are your own boss,
anyway,,. and that is what you went
Into business for. so your enterprise is
a howling success if the Sheriff, doesn't
butt in and spoil things. The dream!
of your .young life has been realized.
You are at last your own. boss. No
more taking, orders from , a. "slave
driver," jpho. is so inhuman that he
actually expects you to earn your sal
ary. Not much. Ypu can now sit at
a roll-top desk with a mortgage attached-and
push a buzzer and tell'
some soulless hireling to do.the wOrk.
He has a right ,to do it, because he is
sure of getting-his salary. . He is a
preferred creditor, ... :
You can now feel that you are
somebody, except when you are com
pelled to go home and face your
starving family. Men take off their
"ATTRACT A. Z1TTLB JZEAL
you se what would happen? I'd start
gently. During the finet week I'd prob
ably buy not more than two or three
of the largest size touring cars and
only about- a couple of those zoological
overcoats that have fur on the collars
and cuffs. But after that I'd catch my
stride and begin to attract a little real
attention along our bustling thorough
fare. To be sure, a man has to burn
up quite a lot of money in this town
before Aiey turn in the third -alarm,
yet I flatter myself that the pleasant
ss&ar of incinerated dough would be
plainly perceptible all. over the island
as I passed along. length, when the
bankruptcy courts and the sanitari
ums and the sheriff's officers ami the'
hopeless ward of the paresis' depart
mat got through with me, Td move
on, leaving behind me a record thai
would be a shining mark, and an ex
ample for all the other young idiots
that might be so unlucky as to acquire
BUSINESS FOR YOURSELE
BY JIM XASIM.
hats when they come into your pres
ence, and call you Mister. They may
soon be calling you something else if
you dontt. soon pay them, but for the
present, at least, you' are Mister.
Your name is on the sign outside, and
'you are known as a- man of business,
it is a great thing to be a business
man and have your name In the pa
pers every morning in large, black
type as long as you pay your monthly
advertising bill. I tell you, you don't
know what a cinch the boss has until
you put yourself in his place. That is
the best way to find out.
- No more worrying .about holding
your job for youri, you've got yours
pinched. You can't lose it. Occasion
ally you may be overwhelmed with a
feeling that you'd like to lose it, but
you can't. That's the beauty about
being in business for yourself, you've
got a job that you can't lose. It's
just like going to jail. And' you don't
have to even work. The only thing
you have , to do is to see that your
slaves attend' to .their various duties,'
-and see -that they get their pay-every
payday. That's all. - You don't even
have .to worry any more about what
you are going -to eat for lunch. You
can generally tell the minute you feel
in your pocket. , While your poor
slaves are worrying as to whether they-;
will eat porterhouse steak or canv'as-r
back duck, all you have to do Is to 1
watch when nobody is looking and
slip into a joint and plant yourself on
a peg. in. front of a plate pf beans.
Beans' are the healthiest" food for a
man who does brain work and aspires,
to be a captain of industry.
It's a great stunt, this going intp
business for yourself. But I believe
that right there is the solution to. all
labor' troubles. ; Let alr disappointed .
employes,' instead of'fpwning labor
unions and going out on a strike, all
quit their Jobs and go into business for
themselves. It doesn't' mtuter what'
kind of a. business, if- he. lvisn't got
money enough saved up to become a
steel magnate let hitit start a shoe-
string factory or invent a new. , style in
liver pads and put tltenvcori the mar
ket. ..Any' old thing, just so', it's a.
business. Let every mother's son who
is being ground down by the iron heel
of a boss-become his own boss, and
then there will be an .end to all this
trouble between capital and labor.
That's the way I did. -k
The great trouble with the labor
question how Is that the man at. the'
top has 'an unequal advantage over his j
employes. He has had a chance to
look at the business both from the
biMtom of the la-tder and from the
top,' but how many men . do ypu find
.working for him who have hack a
chance to look at the business from
the boss' chair. . Not , one. . If the
present state of. affairs. Was reversed so
that a man would start at the top of
the ladder and wark down, then we
would have a world full of contented
employes and Just bosses, and an end
of all labor disputes. I would advo
cate setting aside a Government ap
propriation for the purpose of start
ing every discontented employe In
ATTENTION jlLOZW? OZtR. BirSTZZNS TH&ILOVGHFAKB
a large parcel pf 'money without work
ing for it.
"After all, Larry, when you come to
figure it up, it's astonishing how many
things there are that money won't buy.
They say John D. Rockefeller had five
hundred millions the last time he took
the sock down oft the kitchen rafter
and counted up. Well, that don't im
press me so much, because when you
get above forty-five dollars a week it
all sounds alike to me anyway. But
for the sake of .argument, we'll say
Uncle John D. has got five huadred
millions scattered around the nlace in
fruit-jars and butter-crocks and lard
cans and things.
' "That's a fine, large, nutritious sum
of currency, but while you and me,
Larry are setting down of a morning
to a. stack of buckwheat cakes as tall
as the Soldier's Monument, and a few
inspiring stanzas of country sausages,
the senior Mr. Rockefeller, is gazing
business for himself. . Then I would
provide a law w hereby the Govern
ment would settle up with his cred
itors and turn the business over to an
other discontented employe, and so on,
ad infinitum, whatever that. is. It's a
V 1 -J -ys . . guy
(Spun
: ' v ' I Ym-imhiimmh:--
jjl v OWN-BOSS-
great scheme, and if it wasn't for de
priving the public of the only real lit
erary gems on the market I would
have myself elected President on that
platform and attend to the business
myself. . V
I .You see. I have been in business for
j myself, and I have purchased some ex
I ceedlngly high-priced experience and
j laid it away where I can grab it when
i the occasion arises for. its use. So 1
i am safe. I don't have- to buy that ex
; perience again. But I'm wise, gentie
! reader, to the fact that it Is useless for
! me to hand that experience to you.
i Experience that doesn't cost ytm a
sourly' at a breakfast consisting of 1
several pepsin tablets and something j
in a that Innlri 1 i L- A a rilahavitlail I
poultice with hot milk poured over It.
He's got five hundred million dollars'
worth of negotiable money, and I've
got five, hundred dollars' worth of dur
able digestion, and I'm not on the mar
ket for a trade, with him, either. A
genius like Rockefeller could always
get more money he cculd sit on a bar
ren rock and draw from 6 to S per cent
interest, depending on what the legal
rate was but if I ever parted from my
digestive apparatus, I'll bet you I'd be
seven or eight years finding another
that fitted me as cosy and snug as this
one does.
"My heart goes out In pity for a whole
lot of these old gentlemen who -haven't
got a thing in the world except money.
This hotel is extensively populated by
poor, .old Mr. Nothing Butt. You see
him yonder at tne door climbing labori
couple of hundred plunks a chunk
Isn't worth a tinker's dam. "There are
no' bargain sales in experience, and
you can't get it for a Christmas 'pres
ent, either. . You've got to pay for it
yourself, or else it's no good. So-if
you're dissatisfied with your job and
pipe to be your own boss and rise to
fame in the business world, to dictate,
to others instead of being dictated to,
to harvest the fruits of your own la
bor Instead of selling them lor a mere
pittance, like a soulless hireling, " just
ftFTCHU ) OOH'T X
ALWAYS 6LAVE LIKE I
TH15 FUR- SOME OTHER J
1
hustle out into- the business world and
start something. But don't start
something that you can't stop.
If -you have had it pointed out to
you that "a man can never get
wealthy on a mere salary," and have
grown .dissatisfied with your position
in life as a mere drawer, of salary,
just go out and become a payer of
salaries. You will find it a delightful
diversion from your old practice of
lining up every week and receiving
your little manila envelope, to sit in
the oflice and All up these little ma
nila envelopes and then figure up to
see whether you have anything left
ously aboard the hurricane deck of a
tall horse for a ride In the, park. He
doesn't-want to go at all. He doesn't
care for the English style of riding. I
can't say I care for it" myselt. It .must
have been invented by a nervous party
who hated to stay long In- one place.
There's too much climate constantly in
tervening between the saddle and the
rider.
"As I say, he doesn't care for it at all
He objects bitterly to beating out his own
brains with' his own splqal column for a
weapon. If. he's got to Tide, he'd- prefer
a tab or a city-broke streetcar. But no.
he has to go horseback riding in . the
park because it's expensive, and all the
other old gentlemen in his set do it. .
"He spends the best years of his -life
developing a discriminating appetite.
Eventually he reaches the. stage where
he never likes to eat his cheese until he
can drink it and where he wants his
Dartricbre brought to him accompanied
for yourself. After you have thua fig
ured up to your entire satisfaction, il
you are a man of prudence and good
Judgment, you will, figure out In ad
vance the cheapest kind of fodder
you can live dn during the succeeding
month without undermining your con- '
stitution. That is the plan I invariable.
followed, and from habitual practice
I have amassed a fund of valuable in- -formation
bearing on the price and digestible-
qualities of cheap provender
I will cheerfully place this .valuable
fund of information at the disposal ol
any young man who contemplates go
ing, into business for himself. Thif
knowledge will prove a valuable aid
to the young captain of industry, as il
Is a. very difficult matter to preserv
the dignity fitting your new posittor.
ip the business world when your duo
denum is ' trying to telescope yvui
oesophagus In rebellion against the
sinkers which you put away for din
ner! Then, too. It is so soul-Inspiring, so
ennobling and all that, and puts such
a cute little kink in your confidence
to come into immediate juxtaposition
as It" were with the business world. It
Is so pleasant to feel that you have to
pay your obligations whether the cus
tomers who owe you pay theirs or not.
It is such delightful exercise for your
patience to wait for checks coming in
from those who have bullt.-up such
a high . rating with the commercial
agencies that they can -afford to im
pose upon It, while your creditors are
camping out over night on your front
stoop, so that you have to soil your
clothes climbing up the fire escape.
It is such a delightful surprise to come
unawares upon these various ljttle
snaps that the "boss" enjoys, and
when you go back looking for your
old job again the fund of Information
which you have stowed away during
your business career will be ef great
service to you. "
.. tl will never forget with, what joy,
and fond ' hopes, and rosy-tinted
dreams and all that. I' hustled out
into the great business world to be my .
own boss and show some other people
up. Neither will ' I ever forget the
lessons which I learned before my
great, warm, generous heart prompted
be to turn my business over to the
Sheriff, as he was a poor man and .
had a family to support, and" hustle
back after my old job. They are -stamped
on my memory in an indel-'
ible hand which time-cannot efface.
I can repeat them frontwards and
backwards with my eyes shut. No
educational Institution has ever been
invented that is so productive of -results.
' ..'
While the -life of thf soulless hirct
ling, the man whose name is burled on
the payroll Instead of being splattered
all over the sign outside and featured
in the display ads., may not be so
filled with fame and renown, with in
dependence'and puffed up importance
and all that, yet It Is comforting -to
know that you can 'drop into the pay
line at. the end of the week and get
your little manila envelope and keep
on' speaking terms with the butcher
and grocer. I find that the friendship
of these two men Is a much more de
sirable and satisfactory feature in life
than the importance of being yeAir
own bm Great is the little manila
envelope.
by a bl'e halo and a fumigator. nd
just about that time, dyspepsia claim
him for her own and thereafter, when
meal time rolls around, he's the original
Hunian Hangrail.
"He builds' himself a stone residence
as big as a .Carnegie Library, aiftl almost
as comfortable to live in, but every time
a frayed stranger, bearing the. outward
marks of a process server approaches the
front door, he fs moved to go down the
coal hole and be a brother to the anthra
cite. A United States District Attorney
gives him the same sort of feeling that a
congestive chill would give you or me.
As for his sensations at the sight of a
Federal Court summons well, I guess
Asiatic cholera hasn't got much the best
of it.
"His daughter is usually an angular
ladywith a face shaped like a nose bag;
His son Is either a mollycoddle, with a
goldfish Intellect, or a mollycoddler
whose openhanded way of spending the
old gentlcmans' coin makes it possible
to operate those all-night cafes at a prof
it. He dies and his sprightly widow, aged
f7, promptly marries a youthful art critic
who knows the oil paintings back of
every bar on Broadway. Larry, as I
have already remarked there are quite
a few things you can't get for money."
"Well, gittin' back to the original sub
ject, 'did you ever know a guy that had
a million sawed off on him sudden
like?", asked the House Detective.
"Yes. once, said the Hotel Clerk. "He
made a great showing with it, too, con
sidering that he only lived a few months
after he got it. ,As' I recollect, he left'
behind S7 different suits of clothes, no
two alike, and the record of having made
the best standing high jumps that were
ever pulled off in the Plumb Bug Ward
at Bellevua by anybody wearing a strait-
Jacket." j
Superstitions of Thieves.
The pickpocket is superstitious. He
will rarely rob a person who squints,
this being accounted a certain sign of
disaster, and if it happens that - the
purse he steals contains foreign money
it Is believed to. augur that be will
travel a good deal In the immediate
future; but whether in the company of
a couple of pollae officers pr not there
is nothing to show.
Weddings and funerals are signifi
cant events 'for the professional thief.
To pick a pocket at a-funeral would
be to court immediate dlaster: but
many of them think hat If a purse
stolen at a wedding contains gold it
portends the best of luck- for the thief
during the ensuing six months.
Some pickpockets have a' favorite
pair of boots that they wear as long
as they can keep them on their feet,
and if they are not arrested while they
are wearing them they cut the boots
up Into little square pieces and give
them away as "lucky tokens" to their
friends.