THE SUADA1' OKEGOMAX, PORTLAND, SEPTEMBER 1, 1907.
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FORTL.AM. SIMI.1V, SEPT. 1. 1907.
A FKl ITI.KSS CONFERENCE.
Close ol the Peace Conference is
merely a reminder that such conference
has Ions been In session. Promotion of
universal peace, announced as the main
object of. the conference. Is merely chi
merical; since war is a necessary and
inevitable consequence of the competi
tion of nations. The second object
mitigation of the severities of war Is
scarcely less so, since the Intent of
war is destruction of your enemy, or
at least annihilation of his powers of
resistance. There are humanities, In
deed, which nations observe in war, as
tenderness towards the wounded and
helpless, and forbearance when an en
emy ceases to resist; but these are the
long-established usages of war, and
need no confirmation.
It may seem absurd, indeed, to cap
ture or destroy private property at sea,
when the same is exempt on land; but
that is an Incident of the purpose to
strike at an enemy's resources, by in
terception or annihilation of his com
merce, and probably U will continue, in
spite of all sentimental protest. Wars
from personal piques or other slight
causes ceased long ago, but there is no
probability that wars will cease entire
ly, becuuse their pregnant causes al
ways exist in the disposition of nations
to seek advantages for themselves;
without which, Indeed, the progress of
any nation would be impossible. War
simply is inseparable from man's posi
tion on the earth.
That is to say. the prime cause of war
is Nature's cruel law, the struggle for
existence; and man is so placed that he
cannot escape it. Kvery nation feels
that Its own interests must be con
served, and it will Judge for itself by
what method. If It is not weak it will
keep the possibility of an appeal to
arms always in view; and even if weak,
It will sometimes do as Denmark did,
when she defied Prussia, or as Greece
did more recently when she challenged
Turkey.
National feeling, race, religion, are
factors that will not be suppressed. At
least they will fight; and when there are
causes of war that lie in the competi
tion of nations, these are powerful ele
ments for support of the belligerent
spirit. No nation can be censured for
preferring its own interests to those of
any other, its own safety or even its
own aggrandizement; nor will England
permit any International commission to
tell her how large a naval force she
may maintain, nor Germany how large
an army she may keep on foot; and we
ourselves, if Japan should object to the
movement of so many of our war ves
sels to the Pacific, would simply re
spond by sending more.
Religion is appealed fo as a means of
preventing war, but in vain; for re
ligion. Instead of .proclaiming peace, has
always brought a sword. The religion
of a people has always been closely
bound up with its national life. Jesus,
himself, if not incorrectly reported, said
that he came not to send peace, but a
sword. We know, moreover, about the
sword, the cross and the labarum of
Constantine. and the sword and the
conquests of Islam and the bloody
struggles between Protestant and Ro
man Catholic Christianity. To imagine
that religion can be converted from its
veal nature, that of aggressive combat,
to advocacy and acceptance of univer
sal peace, is to misread all history and
the whole nature of man. "The Lord
of hosts," the "Lord mighty in battle,"
Is expected to take interest in war and
bloodshed, even more than in peace
atid industry; he is Invoked as one al
ways ready to join in the fray and
fight for his people both sides claim
ing his assistance.
Is this obsolete? By no means. Hear
the Kaiser: "We live in a time," he ex
claims, "in which every young German
capable of bearing arms must be ready
to step forward ' for his fatherland."
Again: "The signs of the times make
it the duty of the nations to strengthen
Its defenses against unrighteous at
tacks. Our faith must stand in our
selves and In the God of the father
land." France also rested her claims
on divine favor, and the God of one
country was pitted In 1870 against the
God of the other. It was a form of
speech, indeed; but it stirred the spirit
of both countries. Our Civil War,
similarly, had its religious side. So It
is, therefore, that religion does not re
press war, but is invoked to Inflame it,
and with much success still, though
no longer affording the principal
grounds of war, as' in former times. It
is rationulisls or infidels only who re
fuse to believe that war should ever
be employed to spread the blessings of
Christian civilization.
In a book entitled, "Peace of the
Anglo-Saxons,"- by Major Stewart
Murray, of the British Army, published
not long ago. with an introduction by
Lord Roberts, we have the statement
that "history, as a whole, is nothing
but a succession of struggles for ex
istence among rival nations, in whien,
in the Inng run, only the strong-armed
survive." Deprecate the statement as
we may, it is true; and these enlight
ened times thus far have furnished
nothing to disprove or refute it. Small
matters, about which nations never
would go to war, may be settled
through arbitration, and often are; but
no nation that has confidence In its
strength will ever submit to arbitra
tion any interest that it regards as
absolutely vital, or which engages the
spirit of its people.
There is a Christian maxim, "Love
thy neighbor as thyself," which is very
good: but when It was repeated to a
Buddhist monk as the cause why
Christian nations were so powerful, he
replied that "there was another Maxim,
shooting 300 bullets a minute, which he.
had observed Christian nations were
very handy with, and relied on much
more."
The nation that does not keep up Its
armament and Its warlike splrt will
lose, with loss of its practice of arms,
even Its power of resistance. Then,
even If not attacked, it will stagnate
and rot and perish In its own luxury
and prosperity. War cannot be stopped
by peace conferences; and if it could
be. there would be small ground of
hope for progressive civilization.
AFTER FltTV YEARS).
In the early days of September, 1857,
a man whose name was a synonym of
power, integrity and benevolence
throughout the wide and sparsely set
tled regions of the North Pacific Coast,
lay upon his couch of passing, rather
than of bodily suffering, In Oregon
City. Faithful hearts and gentle hands
ministered unto the needs of the still
stalwart body, while the ministrations
of the religious faith, in which he had
lived afforded spiritual comfort. In
the home he loved, and thus attended.
Dr. John McLoughlln closed a career
of remarkable Incident and usefulness
and of lasting honor on the third day
of the month and year above named,
at the age of seventy-three years. Half
a century has passed away since his
death, and each succeeding year has
added a measure of understanding and
appreciation to the sum of his life's
achievement, until now, among the
large body of persons who are well In
formed In regard to the facts of the
early history of the Oregon country,
the name of Dr. McLoughlln is held in
grateful reverence.
In visible token of this fact, an edu
cational institute is now nearing com
pletion at Oregon City, which will bear
his name and be dedicated to his
memory with appropriate ceremonies
on September 22. While this institution
will be conducted under the auspices
and authority of the Catholic church,
in the faith of which he lived and died.
Its Influence and endeavor will be far
reaching In the secular life of the
state.
The incidents of Dr. McLoughlin's
life are familiar to our people, yet their
brief recital is still read with Interest,
or listened to with respectful attention,
by those who are loyal to the state and
were In at its beginnings. He was born
at Quebec in 1784, of Irish parentage.
He was well endowed for the duties
and responsibilities that devolved upon
him later in life, by a sturdy physique
and a commanding presence. To these,
nature added an endowment of courage
and benevolence and a strong sense of
justice. His educational equipment
was excellent and well suited to his
duties. He became chief factor of the
Hudson's Bay Company in 1821. and in
1824 was transferred to the Columbia,
with headquarters at Fort Vancouver.
The description of Fort Vancouver
during what may justly 'be termed the
reign of Dr. McLoughlln accords with
that of a medieval castle, fortified
against attack from without and gov
erned within on lines of military pre
cision, courtly deference, unquestioning
obedience and unquestioned power.
Dim, but real, is this shadowy picture
of old Fort Vancouver, with Dr.
McLoughlin as Its central figure, large
of stature, erect, white haired, benign
of countenance absolute monarch of a
wide realm of which Vancouver was
the capital. From 1821 he had been
really governor of the entire Pacific
Slope, from Russian America (now
Alaska) to the California line. This
rule, always firm, was unsullied by
abuse of power and was dominated
throughout by loyalty to his country
and his employers.
Jesse Applegate, in a letter written
In 1865 to Frances Fuller Victor, now
deceased, thus described Dr. Mc
Loughlln in 1843: "He was at that time
sixty years of age; his head was
crowned by long hair of snowy white
ness: his stature was large and com
manding; his countenance open and
benevolent; his manner cordial and In
viting confidence. A philanthropist In
the strongest sense, he did not stop to
inquire to what race, country, or re
ligion the sufferer, for whom-appeal
was made, belonged. Enough that he
was in need. His needs were supplied
without prodigality or ostentation, but
with prudence, so as to make the re
lief given not temporary, but of per
manent benefit. The Indians he re
garded as untaught children, of unde
veloped mentality and untrained moral
nature, and l.e governed them by a
system of rewards and penalties; they
were taught to speak the truth and re
gard their promises; theft and murder
were never permitted to go unpun
ished; for the last the tribe was held
responsible until the murderer was
given up."
His phenomenal power over the In
dians, thus briefly outlined, made pos
sible the establishment of early homes,
remote from civilization. The supplies
drawn from the company's stores at
Fort Vancouver for needy and starving
immigrants enabled many to live until
they could get a foothold in the wilder
ness and mature crops from seed which
he furnished.
All of this, and much more, in the
way of incident and detail, is as a tale
that is told. Its intrinsic worth is
proved in the fact that it bears telling
again, and yet again, gathering
interest as years 1 intervene. Crit
icism, harsh and bitter. assailed
Dr. MoLoughltn in his later
years;" his motives were aspersed, his
benevolence accounted selfishness, his
firmness distorted into arrogance. Un
der the shadow of this criticism he
dipd his death hastened, it was said,
by the sting of injustice. The passing
years, however, after the manner of
time In making amends for wrong,
have corrected these errors of judg
ment. Dr. John McLoughlin's name
stands today for benevolence, integrity
and Justice in his dealings with men In
the early years of the evolution of the
Oregort country from savagery to civil
ization. His place in history is that of
a man of large responsibility, simple,
dignity, unflagging diligence and of
Justice and generosity. He was a man
of remarkable parts who used without
abusing t-he absolute power that his
position gave. His mistakes In judg
ment have 'been condoned by time, or
cance'ed by his manifest integrity of
purpos". The people of Oregon honor
themselves In paying just and generous
tribute to his memory.
VICTIMS OF OVERIRRIGATIOX.
It was back in the early "eighties"
when an unhealthy real estate boom
was preparing a number of overfed
Middle Western cities for an over
whelming slump, that one of the hot
air artists was drawing a word picture
of the ease with which money was
made. "Jones bought that lot for ten
thousand," said he. "Then he sold it
to Smith for twenty thousand, and
Smith a week later syld it to Brown for
thirty thousand." "And what did
Brown get?" Inquired the interested
listener. "Oh," said the real estate
man, "Brown got the lot." It is the
culmination of a similar system of
hilarious multiplication of profits in
ot.her lines of business that is responsi
ble for the present trouble In the East.
One 'or two great concerns, organized
on enormous capitalization of various
comparatively small manufacturing es
tablishments, have lately got Into trou
ble. The alleged economy of operation
which is supposed to follow these con
solidations never had an opportunity
to assert itself, for the absorption of a
smaller concern was almost Invariably
mad the opportunity for opening the
sluice gates and letting in enough
"water" to drown any possible increase
In the profits through economy of op
erations. Each one of these original
plants that were included in the con
solidation of the big concerns, like the
$10,000 lot of Jones, had a fixed staple
value. When the water was turned on
with the first Issue of. new bonds and
stocks, the outlook was still favorable
to investment-seekers, and, like Smith's
$20,000 lot, there was still a market at
which the stock could be sold. But,
like the pitcher -which went too often
to the 'well, the end came and those
who invested last were in the same
position as Brown with the $30,000 lot.
The factories, in spite of the high
prices that were paid for some wnich
were out-of-date, could still earn divi
dends on the actual money invested In
the plant, machinery and operating
equipment, but they tould not pay divi
dends on the excessive amount of
water that had been pouted into the
stock. This pernicious system of over
capitalization, overexpansion, overor
ganization. has become so. general that
It has tightened the money market and
with the first breath of a financial
squall the waterlogged craft are no
longer manageable. Out of all evil
some good Is said, to come, and the
squeezing out of water will In the end
leave the entire industrial system in
a much healthier condition.
ROYAL. MATRIMONIAL BARTER.
Emperor William, it is said, is plan
ning to marry his only daughter, Vic
toria, to his cousin, Prince Henry of
Battenberg. The Kaiser's mother was
an English woman, a fact with which
he. In his youthful arrogance, was -ont
to taunt her with when she was the
unhappy Empress Dowager of Ger
many, as something greatly to her dis
credit. The Emperor Frederick, then
and for many years Crown Prince, took
the earlier Princess Victoria to Ger
many as his wife when she was but
sixteen years old. and, though she was
the most accomplished of a!l the daughr
ters of Queen Victoria, and withal a
loyal wife and devoted mother, she was
held in contempt by Bismarck because
of her political sagacity and kept In
the background as much as possible
while the Iron Chancellor ruled German
politics. It was only after he was de
posed that the Kaiser treated his moth
er with even a degree of consideration.
He was, in fact, never an affectionate
son, though at his mother's funeral he
became one of the most spectacular
monarchs of history, as he walked
alone behind her bier a dim figure In
the fitful glare of the pine knots that
lighted her midnight funeral proces
sion. If Germany returns another Victoria
to England, for the one that she took
thence more than half a century ago,
to a life that was throughout a tragedy,
It may be hoped that such restitution
as is possible will be made for the un
happy life of the English-German Prin
cess In Germany by a welcome that
will be a prelude to a life of happiness
for the German-English Princess who
will succeed her grandmother as a
member of the royal family of Great
Britain. Prince Henry of Battenberg
Is the only son of Queen Victoria's
youngest daughter; Princess Victoria
of Germany is the only daughter of the
Kaiser, who is the oldest son of Queen
Victoria's oldest daughter.
Marriage In the royal families of Eu
rope is a game of battledore and shut
tlecock played between nations. The
players are shunted back and forth
across the English Channel or the Con
tinent of Europe as chance favors or
the political interests of the managers
of the game direct. A sister of the
young Prince whom the Kaiser has se
lected for his son-in-law was a year or
more ago projected into Spain to be
come the Queen of its youthful mon
arch; the Czarina was a few years
since thrown bodily into Russia by
means of the political shuttle that has
carried so many women of royal birth
to an unhappy throne. The game is as
old as are the monarchies In the inter
ests of which it Is played. Its demands
are a little less bold than were those
that Frederick William I of Prussia
made upon King George .of England,
when in the hope of adding strength to
his kingdom he vainly sought the hand
of Princess Amelia of England for his
son. who afterward became Frederick
the Great. But its essential elements
are the same, being simply, now as
then-, those of bargain and sale. Now
and then a young Princess ' rebels and
insists upon marrying to please herself
in, defiance of "reasons of state" that
are urged as demanding of her the duty
of selt-sacriflce. Two of King Edward's
daughters are examples of this revolt
of Nature against authority, the one
choosing for herself and marrying the
Duke of Fife, the other choosing a sin
gle life in preference to the exalted
station of Czarina of Russia. Being a
woman of strong character and individ
uality, she had only contempt for the
weak young Emperor who came
a-wooing to England, and refused ab
solutely to marry him.
The Kaiser himself wished very much
in his early youth to marry his beauti
ful young cousin. Princess Elizabeth
of Hesse, now the widowed Grand
Duchess Sergius of Russia, but Bis
marck sternly forbade and chose for
him a robust German Princess of rela
tively obscure birth and Inferior ac
complishments, partly as a snub to the
cultivated mother of the young Prince
and openly because, as he declared, the
chief object of the marriage of Prince
Wi";ia.m was to- give heirs to the throna
of Germany. Six sons arid one daugh
ter followed in quick succession this
marriage. As years and sentiment
waned the Kaiser became reconciled to
Bismarck's choice of a wife for him.
His own experience, no doubt, confirms
him in the belief that marriage should
be devoid of sentiment, or at least tha t
sentiment should be made secondary to
material and political considerations,
since the woman he would have mar
ried, if he had been permitted to choose
for himself, though beautiful, refined,
accomplished and of a high order of
mentality. Is childless.
SAFETY DEVICES FOR RAILROADS.
An expert is investigating for the
Interstate Commerce Commission the
safety devices for railways that have
passed to patent, the purpose being to
determine whether railroad companies
have bought valuable patents and sup
pressed them for pecuniary reasons,
regardless of the demands of public
safety. Whatever the outcome of the
investigation. It will no doubt be
assailed as untimely, since it may af
fect investments In railroad securities,
already unsettled by the telegraphers'
strike and by the rate Investigations
of recent months. This objection will
not meet with public approval, since It
is the recognized duty of railroad
managers to provide every possible
protection to the traveling public.
Moreover, the railroad companies
should welcome any process that will
aliay the suspicion that patents on
valuable life-protecting appliances
have been bought up and pigeonholed
with the double purpose of avoiding
the expense of adopting them and of
preventing rival Interests from getting
hold of them. We do not suppose, as
the New York Commercial suggests,
that, as a matter of fact, a well-informed
and practical railroader can be
found in the country who does not be
lieve every large railroad interest In
the country, whether steam or trolley
and for that matter every extensive
manufacturing interest has scores of
patents bought up and shelved, for
purely pecuniary reasons.
It Is the bearing of such acts on the
lives and safety of the very public
from which railroads receive rights
and privileges not otherwise obtain
able, that just now concerns the Inter
state Commerce Commission. In the
general view of corporate Interests,
human life is cheap. To make this
assessment pass muster, however, it is
necessary to make a show of protect
ing it, to the iimit of human ingenuity
as represented by safety devices, ap
plied to the rolling stock of railroads
and the powerful machinery harnessed
to manufacturing interests.
Human life is. indeed, more than
cheap; it is the cheapest of all com
modities in a commercial age so
cheap, in fact, that the captains of in
dustry and arbiters of transportation
Interests find It cheaper to pay In such
damages as are fixed by statute for
the relatively few killed In travel and
labor than to reduce these fatalities to
the minimum by equipping their plants
and trains with safety devices. This
Is the whole story, between the lines of
which is read the fact that patents
for safety devices of unusual merit are
stored away purchased and controlled
but not used. ,
TEACHERS AND AtlRKl'l.l'l'KE.
Those public school teachers who
have been pursuing a short course in
agriculture at the State Agricultural
College this Summer will find the work
well worth while aside from the aid It
will give them In teaching the subject
of elementary agriculture In the
schools next Winter. Many a city-bred
teacher goes to the country to teach
her first term of school. One of the
most frequent causes of failure is lack
of such an understanding of subjects of
interest to farmers as will place the
teacher in sympathy with the people
among whom she must live and work.
Not only is the teacher from the city
Ignorant of agriculture, but she has not
enough interest in the subject to keep
up one side of a conversation relative
thereto. Studying elementary agricul
ture for a few weeks at the college will
'by no means give a teacher a practical
understanding of farm methods, but it
should give Information that will make
the teacher less "stupid" In the opinion
of her country associates.
It has been said, and is doubtless
true, that the textbook on elementary
agriculture contains assertions Incon
sistent with agricultural practice In
Oregon. It could scarcely be otherwise,
for textbooks have general application,
and In a country varying as much in
climatic and other conditions as the
United States, it would be surprising
If there were not some particulars In
which the text is not applicable to all
sections. Indeed, a book treating of
agriculture in Oregon might contain as
sertions applicable west of the Cascade
Mountains, but untrue as to conditions
east of that range. If the textbook
contains information not applicable in
Oregon, it will be part of the work of
the teacher to ascertain and point out
these passages and explain them to the
pupils. The course of instruction at
Corvallis will prepare the teacher for
this work. President Kerr Is entitled
to credit for arranging a short course
for teachers this Summer.
It seems that no stone is to be left
unturned to complete the humiliation
of San Francisco before the world.
Even the women of the city have
grown enthusiastic over the coming
fight between Joe Gans. and Jimmy
Brltt. The gallant and pugnacious
Gans. catering to this enthusiasm, has
made Wednesday "Ladies' day" at his
headquarters, and it Is added, "the In
novation has made a decided hit, the
fair sex thoroughly enjoying the biff
bang sport." It will probably follow
that half the attendance upon the
coming "biff-bang" battle for the light
weight championship will be composed
of "ladies" (?). Needless to add, few
"women," under the time-honored in
terpretation of that word, will be
there.
The debate on the proposal to legal
ize marriage with a deceased wife's
sister will no longer trouble in Eng
land. At last the House of Lords has
consented to pass the bill. Debate on
the subject has gone on during a long
period. The whole subject has been
mixed up with political and ecclesias
tical notions. The roots of the con
tention run back to the time of King
Henry VIII., whose matrimonial ad
ventures have played no unimportant
part In history. To obtain divorce
from Catherine of Aragon, he put up
the plea that his marriage with her
was void, because she was the widow
of the Prince of Wales. his own
brother. Pleading the Levitical law,
by which marriage with a deceased
wife's sister or a deceased husband's
brother was forbidden, Henry declared
this shou'id be the law of England also.
Thus ha got quit .of Catherine, and
married 'Anne Boleyn. whose head he
caused Hp be chopped off not long
after. I
A Way-street speculator, who prob
ably ha$ been pinched badly at his
game, reils at President Roosevelt,
who, as the speculator asserts, has
destroyed. property during the last two
years to tine amount of three thousand
millions. That, Indeed, Is a heap of
money, !w- would be If it were
money. 'But it Is wind or water, the
sooner got rid of the better for legiti
mate industry and business. These
losses in Wall street paper losses
give the country little concern. Its
actual business Is sound to the core.
Of course, the losses the speculator
complains about, represent no real de
struction of property. They represent
liquid, or airy, capital, and even the
great corporations whose stocks show
very heavy decline are earning more
money than ever.
The public may hope before this dis
cussion ends to have the truth, the
whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
In regard to the practice of flogging
prisoners- in the Oregon Penitentiary,
the degree and frequency of this pun
ishment, by whom, at whose order, and
for what offenses inflicted. The flog
ging of Albrecht is merely an incident
which called out this discussion. Its
Infliction has beeji admitted and there
seems to be abundant evidence that it
was severe. Perhaps the challenge of
Mr. P. H. D'Arcy will be accepted, an
investigation that investigates will be
Instituted, and Its findings will be
given tc the public.
The world awaits with eagerness
further news from Raffle Bova, an
Italian, whose claim to have discovered
a simple and Inexpensive means of get
ting at the natural supply of electricity,
is just announced. For twenty years
scientists have hoped that some one
would find a way for tapping the
earth's inexhaustible storehouse where
in is contained this subtle force, with
out the enormous expense of steam or
water power. If Bova has really
pioneered such a process, he will revo
lutionize the world's manufactures.
Conflicting reports concerning the
promise of the hop yield are usual at
this season of the year. The heavy
rain and wind of a week ago was un
fortunate for this crop, and some loss
is certain to result. The next two
weeks will tell the story. In the mean
time all growers are not discouraged
and an army of pickers will be afield
early this week to work out the prob
lem of gain or loss to themselves and
their employers.
' Los Angeles is willing to take the
money of rich sojourners who are seek
ing relief from disease, but objects to
admitting the pauper class of seekers
for health. Probabiy quarantine regu
lations can be adopted which will be
legal on their face and yet can be
properly enforced by health officers
who have easy consciences and who
can use an X-ray machine to find out
how much coin there is in a man's
pocket.
Oregon National Guardsmen have
brought credit to their state in the
National rifle contest. These men,
however, need more practice at home
In order to rank with the top-notchers.
Such is the- spirit now manifest among
our citizen soldiery that next year, in
a similar contest, Oregon will probably
be higher than tenth In the list. We
have the men; the chief need Is more
time to devote to firing at targets.
Two prisoners at Jollet Penitentiary
scaled the walls of that institution and
disappeared. There Is some little sat
isfaction in knowing that the Oregon
prison Is not the only one whose walls
can be scaled. Now, If the Jollet con
victs will stay disappeared they may
have a safer, if not more eventful
career than had Tracy and Merrill.
Portland is by no means the only
town In Oregon enjoying a building
boom. While smaller cities are not
putting up scrapers that cut so deep
Into the sky as do those In the metrop
olis, they are building business blocks
that are a credit to the enterprise of
their people
While the dry goods trade, the only
branch canvassed to ascertain the
facts, reports unprecedented prosperity,
no doubt every other line of- retail
business would develop Ike answer to
like inquiry. It is fmpossible for pessi
mists to stretch the stringing beyond
Wall street.
An enterprising advertiser proposes
to tell the plain truth about the hair.
Dan McAllen, Alex Charlton, and many
of their fellow citizens will testify that
he promises something about nothing,
while no small number of ladles will
maintain that it is false.
No man knoweth where a reform
wave will cease its rolling. The lid
has been but on Dawson City, Yukon
Territory, despite the fact that "there
is law of neither man nor God north of
fifty-three."
Four .more political reforms are
wanted by Mr. U'Ren before he will be
ready to run for United States Senator.
There Is nothing like patience.
Everybody has had a say in The
Oregonian about the flogging at the
Penitentiary except the man who was
flogged. It's his turn next..
With the $83 witness fee received
from Uncle Sam, Mr. Rockefeller can
treat his family several times to
oysters.
COMMENT ON SUNDRY OREGON TOPICS
Wandering Statesmen's Discoveries Diary of Railroad Magnate Colonel
Hawkins' Big Mosquitoes Queerness of the Sneeze Eights of Down
trodden Citizens Aunt Polly's Fhilosophy Politics in Dull Season
Pure Cussedness.
SO many people sneer about
The wiles of politicians.
Their worth 1 almost ceased to doubt
And thought them smooth tacticians.
But now all's changed, my eyes are
peeled;
They have been grossly slandered.
I've heard them, in Ions speeches
reeled.
Tel! wonders, modest mannered.
In Klamath and in Tillamook,
Yaquina, Coos. Cirand Rondo.
They are explorers: every nook
Their speeches does resound.
Vast resources, good harbors and
Fine babies, pretty girls.
They point them out (not speeches
. canned).
We clap, spine thrills, head swirls.
Of course they're late discovering.
We've had things (votes, too) ever.
But still when them uncovering,
'Tis better late than never.
Diary of b Railroad Mnnnntf.
THE GREAT railroad magnate kept
a diary of his- wagon journey
through the vast region where there
was no railroad.
Monday Dense clouds of dust all
day. Driver said there was fine coun
try on each side, and it was too bad
wind wasn't strong enough to blow
duBt out of our eyes.
Tuesday Prove through narrow can
yons, perhaps two or tliree miles wide.
Saw an antelope on top of rlmrock on
one side and coyote on the other.
Driver said there was great wheat
country beyond rimrock. Lots of Jack
rabbits and rattlesnakes.'
Wednesday Axle broke. Had to
walk 10 miles to dinner. Mayor of
town made long speech. Tf darned
axle hadn't broken I wouldn't have
had to stop. Don't see why they want
railroad so badl5 Car. axles break.
Thursday Saw some good country,
but wasn't much in sight. Driver al
ways says there is lots of fine land,
but It is so far from the road I can't
see It. Guess I ought to stay in Ore
gon a while and travel crosBways.
Friday Gee, whiz! I thought Ore
gon was a wet country. Why, ' they
actually need irrigation here. Trees
grow too high. Can't see over them.
Driver said' vast areas fine land be
yond trees.
Saturday Passed through a town
where children paraded. Mayor said
abundance of fine children and babies
showed a rich country, fit for railroad.
Am not certain, however, whether that
slgnif:es. Babies grow everywhere.
People peemed offended because I
didn't kiss babies. Several candidates
for United States Senator passed
through here few days ago.
Sunday It has been long trip all
ween. Everybody prosperous and says
I haven't seen much. They all hope I
will forget what my hired men said
against building railroad here. I've
got to hurry back to Wall street. Won
der if my hired man traveled the same
road.
Colonel Hawkins' Big Mosquito.
THE LATE Colonel L. L. Hawkins was
fond of telling a mosquito story of
his own, when Mazamas, gathered round
their evening campfire, had to fight oft
the singing pest at the foot of snow moun
tains, where the "hot-footed birds" are
often troublesome.
"You can talk about your big mosqui
toes," said he, after the tale-telling drift
ed into fairy topics, "but we' (meaning
Rodney Gllsan and himself) can tell some
thing about mosquitoes ourselves.
"We climbed Skinner's Butte, at Eu
gene, to see the sunset.
"After we had watched the sun a while
it was obscured by a dense cloud of tre
mendous mosquitoes. They bit us terri
bly. They were the hugest I ever saw."
Here somebody usually asked: "How
big were they. Colonel?"
"They were so big." was the response,
"that many of them weighed a pound."
Strange to say. Colonel Hawkins never
suffered bodily Injury for telling this
story.
More History.
441 sleeping dogs lie,'' cried Sir
La Robert Walpole. 200 years ago.
But in those days there were no sleep
ing gas meters to keep on lying while
the folks were at the beach.
Being only president of a kennel club.
Sir Robert could not foresee how far he
had missed his -calling by falling to be
president of a future gas company.
Fleeting Sand.
At the seashore, the poet laureate of
the Necanieum, after viewing tlm play
of children in the sand, wrote the fol
lowing: TIME S sand is fleet,
In hour-glass.
And flows to meet
Spent hopes, alas!
But from youth's land.
Flows forth Time's f and
As It does pass
Time's hour-glass.
He is a lad,
On seabeach glad ;
Each handful passed.
A new one grasped.
Queerness of the Sneeze.
VHAT a moment, what a doubt!
V AH my nose is inside out
All my thrilling, tickling, caustic
Pyramid rhinocerostio
Wants to sneeze and cannot do it!
How it yearns me, thrills me. stings me!
Kow the rapture torment fills me!
Xow say, "Sneeze, you fool get 'through
it."
Shee shee oh! It is most del-ifhi
Ishl Ishl most del ishi!
(Hang it, I shall sneeze till Spring)
Snuff is a delicious thing.
Anonymous.
Why more sneezes in S'imnier than in
Winter This Is a Vexed question. The
sneeze is a strange phenomenon. So are
snickersnees strange implements. And the
two are busy, betimes, though since the
recurring knifing period in politics has not
yet come round, the snickersnees are not
quit in season.
L'p in Salem the editor of the Statesman
says: "Summer smells are more condu
cive to sneezin?: " Down In Southern Ore
gon an editor recently gave some advice
to. careless possessors of back yards,
which he said were exhaling odors of
fensive to olfactories.
Xow in truth the clean-up in progress
throughout the land should lessen the
spasms of sneezing. Yet there are clean
odors that have the same effect on the
"pyramid rhlnoccrostic." The Salem edi
tor says:
Take paint, for instance. In every block
some one takes It into Ms head to freshen
un his woodwork for the Summer months.
Olfactory nerves arc very sensitive to paint,
and. consequently, almost every person who
passes the house is seised with a fit of
sneezing. Then there are flowers. Even in
the city there are many spots where ona
sets a w hin of flowers, many of whleh have
a pungent odor that causes sneezing. The
smell of mint is particularly likely to pro
duce that effect also. Kven the very heat
rays, regardless of germs, tickle the nose
and cause no end of Summer sneezing.
We can imagine, perhaps. Coleridge's
plight when the odors of Cologne assailed
his nostrils. English literature contains a
verse which will exist always as a liv
ing witness to the spasm he suffered in
that Rhine city. The verse runs as fol
lows: In Koln. a town of monks and bones.
And pavements fanged with murderout
stones.
And rags and bags and hideous wenehe.
I counted two and seventy stenches.
All well-defined and several stinks!
Ye nymphs that reign over sewers and
sinks
The River Rhine. It i well known.
Doth wash your (-'Ity of Cologne;
Hut tell me. nymphs; what power divine,
Shall henceforth wash the River Rhine?
If Coleridge could visit the Portland
garbage crematory, something else
might happen to match his rhyme on the
Rhine.
Riplits of the Downtrodden.
IT WAS a convention of aggrieved per
sons bent on demanding their rights)
from the people.
Antoists declared they had as much
right as anybody to use the highways as
they chose.
Liquor men declared they had as much
right as confectioners and grocers to use
Sunday as they chose.
Pest-ridden orchard owners insisted
that they had as much right as any land
owner to use their land as they pleased.
Directors of broken banks declared that
they had as much right to save their
fortunes as the depositors who pulled out
their mone.y.
Butter men averred that they had as
much rlgnt as any food seller to put up
30 ounces of butter In packages looking
like 32 ounces.
Stock barons announced that they had
as much right as any owner of paper se
curities to juggle their market in Wall
street as they pleased.
But one man wiser than the others rose)
and said: "Perhaps these rights belong to
all of us. but until we. get them from the
people we haven't got th.em.
"When young, we thought we had a
perfect right to make mud pies, or go
swimming or dancing when we pleased,
but our parents didn't give us the right.
Now that we are grown up we see It
differently."
Likewise things will be very different
when autolsts and the others become all
the people.
Aunt Polly's 1 hllosophy.
WONDER why we werj so eager to
go away on our vacations?
Only persons shabbily dressed are sure
that fine clothes do not make the man.
A man whose chief asset Is good cook
ery Is apt to esteem pretty face and fliie
figure as best attributes of beauty, but
it Is the opposite with the man whose
wife has those attributes but not the
cookery.
Some men obey their wives' orders only
when they know that they can afterward
say. "I told you so."
Life is too short to live long enough to
know better.
Pure Cussedness.
(J"URE, unadulterated cussedness" Is
tr a phrase used to brand a partic
ular human animal resembling the ass,
the hyena or other evil-mannered crea
tures which, perhaps, would better not
be named.- One of them, says the Cor
vallis Times, recently kicked a hole in
a prize pumpkin, which a proud youth
had been growing for the All-Benton-School
Fair. The editor describes the
animal as "some unknown miscreant,
without a single principle of honor In
his makeup."
But that miscreant, notwithstanding
the editor's denunciation. Is a saint
compared with another at Myrtle Point,
Coos County. The editor of the Enter
prise, of that city, says the latter villain
has a "Rockefeller conscience.'' and
should he banished to the Fiji Islands.
The offender stole four chickens from
a "poor widow woman." This is a
hard case, for a fact. In Portland there
might he some mitigation of language
since a chicken costs about 50 cents,
and a small specimen at that, the high
price being exacted by the alleged
chicken trust. Chickens are tremen
dously costly and all other living, too,
which will account for a lot of cussed
ness. We have It on the authority of
Ira Boyce, of John Day, who recently
returned home from a trip in the Wil
lamette Valley, that Kastern Oregon
enjoys many blessings in cheaper cost
of living.
Up in Douglas County watermelon
cussedness abounds, according to a cor
respondent of the Roseburg Xews.
"When those four town boys," he
writes, "v7To stole watermelons from
one of our neighbors, feel they have
had their money's worth, the neigh
bors would like them to call and pay
their bill so the poor old 'man can have
a taste of watermelon himself." Per
haps the boys recently gazed on colored
minstrel billboards like those displayed
In Portland.
The Dalles has its quota of cussed
ness In "hoodlum boys, annoying the
ladles who are trying to keep the read
ing room open,"' says the Chronicle.
"The ladies have appealed to the par
ents." says the editor, "who have failed
to keep their children from being a
nuisance in public places. Xow the
ladies have turned the matter over to
the authorities and If the sons turn
up in jail, the parents mtist not be sur
prised." Cussedness is a trait that breaks out
always unexpectedly. This is true,
whether It robs a widow's chicken
roost or an old man's watermelon patch
or vents itself in hootllumism. We
could all name a lot of persons endowed
with cussedness. Usually they are our
neighbors.