(Copyrtsht. 1P07. by S. S. McClure Co.,
In the United States and Great Britain.)
"A
S I HAVE told you before,"
aid Jeff Peters, "I never had
much confidence in the.per-
fldiousness of woman. As partners or
coeducators In the most innocent line
of graft they are not trustworthy."
"They deserve the compliment," said
I. "I think they are entitled to be
called the honest sex."
'"Why shouldn't they be?" said Jeff.
"They've got the other sex either
grafting or working overtime for 'em.
They're all right in business until they
get their emotions or their hair touched
up too much. Then you want to have
a. fiat-footed, heavy-breathing man
with sandy whiskers, five kids and a
building and loan mortgage ready as
an understudy to take her desk. Now
there was that widow lady that me
and Andy Tucker engaged to help us in
that little matrimonial agency scheme
we floated out in Cairo.
"Whep you've got enough advertis
ing capital, say a roll as big as the
little- end of a wagon tongue, there's
1M I 1 1 nnnn(.
JUUIlt: 111 iiiaiiiiuuiiiai a-gTiii ico. no
had about $6000 and we expected to
double it in two months, which is about
as long as a scheme like ours can be
carried on without taking out a New
Jersey charter.
"We fixed up an advertisement that
read about like this:
"Charming widow, beautiful, home
loving, 32 years, possessing $3000 cash and
owning valuable country property, would
remarry. Would prefer a poor man with
affectionate disposition to one with means,
as she realizes that the solid virtues are
oftenest to be found in the humble walks
of life. No objection to elderly man or
one of homely appearance if faithful and
true and competent to manage property
and Invest money with Judgment. Ad
dress, with particulars. LONELY,
Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo,
III.
" 'So far, so pernicious,' says I, when
we had finished the literary concoction.
'And now,' says I, ' Where's the lady?'
"Andy gives me one of his looks of
calm irritation.
" 'Jeff,' says he, 'I thought you had
lost them ideas of realism in your art.
Why should there be a lady? When
they tell a lot of watered stock on
Wall street would you expect to find a
mermaid in it? What has a matrimo
nial ad got to do with a lady?
" -now listen," says I. . Tou know
my rule. Andy, that in all my illegiti
mate inroads against the legal letter of
WILL SHAKESPEARE'S BONES REMAIN UNDISTURBED ?
HOW much longer Is Shakespeare to
be allowed to sleep on unmolested
In the chancel of Holy Trinity
Church at 8tratford-on-Avon?
In London, recently, that question came
up for discussion. A private meeting
was being held by one of the many so
cieties that exist for the study of the
bard's life and works, and something
more than a mere bid for idle talk and
peculation was intended by the author
of the query.
As an earnest Shakespeare lover and
student, he made some surprising state
ments and stirred his sobersided audience
by openly expressing the melancholy
opinion that the time is fast approaching
when Shakespeare can no longer be
. bracketed with Moses and Merlin as one
of the few heroes whose tombs remain
respected and inviolate, says a London
correspondent- of the New York Sun.
Merlin, of course, admitted this pessimis
tic club member, was buried under a
spell, and his grave, like that of the
leader of Israel's exodus, on Nebo's lone
ly mountain, denes discovery and dese
cration. Shakespeare, however, enjoys no such
advantage. For nearly 300 years he has
maintained his last sleep undisturbed,
and for the most part In an unguarded
grave, but it is a growing and discon
certing conviction among his mfest faith
ful worshippers that the days of the
preservation of his poat mortem privacy
are practically numbered.
Until about 65 years ago he was safe.
But times have changed; the Shakes
, x. wiin i'w i iM 1 llll m
"ABOUT: 100. A. LAY. WAWKAT-CAMS.IM- " ' " ""MR? PETSRm. IK-PVE: ,
the law the article sold must be exist
ent, visible, producible. In that way
and by a careful study of city ordi
nances and train schedules I have kept
out of all trouble with the police that
a $5 bill and a cigar could not square.
Now, to work this scheme we've got
to be able to produce bodily a charm
ing widow or its equivalent with or
without the beauty, hereditaments and
appurtenances set forth in the cata
logue and writ of errors, or hereafter
be held by a justice of the peace.
. " 'Well,' says Andy, reconstruing his
mind, 'maybe it would be safer in case
the postofflce or the peace commission
should try to investigate our agency.
But where," he says, 'could you hope to
find a widow who would waste time on
a matrimonial scheme that had no mat
rimony in It?'
"I told Andy that I thought I knew
of the exact party. An old friend of
mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to draw
soda water and teeth in a tent show,
had made his wife a widow a year be
fore by drinking some dyspepsia cure
of the old doctor's Instead of the lini
ment that he always got boozed up on.
I used to atop at their house often, and
I thought we could get her to work
with us.
" 'Twas only 60 giiles to the little
town where he lived, so I jumped out
on the 'I. C and finds her in the same
cottage with the sunflowers a-nd roots
standing on the washtub. Mrs. Trotter
fitted our ad first-rate except, maybe,
for beauty and. age and property valua
tion. But she looked feasible and praise
worthy to the eye, and it was a kind
ness to Zeke's memory to give her the
job.
" 'Is this an honest deal you're put
ting on, Mr. Peters," she asks me when
I tell her what we want.
"Mrs. Trotter," says I, 'Andy Tucker
and me have computed the calculation
that 3000 men in this broad and unfair
country will endeavor to secure your
fair hand and ostensible money and
property through our advertisement.
Out of that number something like
thirty hundred will expect to give you
in exchange, if they should win you,
the carcass of a lazy and mercenary
loafer, a failure in life, a swindler and
contemptible fortune-seeker. -
" "Me and Andy,' says I, 'propose to
teach these preyers on society a lesson.
It was with difficulty.' says I, 'that me
and Andy could refrain from forming a
corporation underthe title of the Great
Moral and Millennial Malevolent Matri
monial Agency. Does that satisfy
you?"
" 'It does, Mr. Peters, says she. 'I
might have known you wouldn't have
gone into anything that wasn't oppro
brious. But what will my duties be?
Do I have to reject .personally these
pearean controversy has reached almost
a critically intense stage, and it is hard
ly" to be expected that "Hamlet's" cre
ator will continue undisturbed when kings'
and conquerors have fallen victims to
the insatiable modern curiosity.
All the great folk of Westminster Ab
bey have experienced the dismal humil
iation of being turned out of their leaden
winding sheets. In Victoria's reign JDean
Stanley systematically exhumed every
body In the Abbey, and even the royal
bones In Windsor's famous Chapel of St.
George were dragged to the light
Over in France and Italy the irreverent
treatment of the remnant left of the he
roes and heroines of history has been
quite as pronounced as in England. The
German Emperor thought it no impiety
to disturb mighty Charlemagne at Aix.
Even Agamemnon has suffered at the
hands of the modern excavator of Hhe
ruins of Troy, and the Pharoahs and
Ptolemies of Egypt would be disgusted
could they but know what flimsy protec
tion vaults in the living rock and gigan
tic pyramids prove for helpless dead folk
when the twentieth century intruder Is
up and doing.
I But while Cleopatra and the great
Hamcses. Henry Vlir, Pythagoras and
even Abraham have been hustled ruth
lessly back to the light, Shakespeare has
benefited by the dignity of a noble re
pose. It Is true that until a compara
tively recent date his grave remalned'un
honored, unvisited and almost unnoticed.
In the seventeenth and eighteenth cen
turies nobody was gnawed by a desire to
gaze upon his ashes, and his famous epi
taph was all the defense he required. But
in those simple old Says the pyramids
THE SUNDAY OREGOXIAX, PORTLAND.
SO00 ramscalllons you speak of, or can
I throw them out in bunches?"
" 'Tour jab, Mrs. Trotter," says I, 'will
be practically a cynosure. You will
live at a. quiet hotel' and will have no
work to do. Andy and I will attend to
all the correspondence and business
end of it.
" 'Of ' course,' says I, 'some of the
more ardent and Impetuous suitors who
can raise the 'railroad fare may come
to Cairo to personally press their suit,
or whatever fraction of a suit they
may be wearing. In that case you will
be probably put to the inconvenience
of kicking them out fade to face. We
will pay you $25 per week and hotel ex
penses." " 'Give me five minutes." says Mrs.
Trotter, 'to get my powder rag and
leave the front door key with a neigh
bor and you can let my salary begin.'
"So I conveys Mrs: Trotter to Cairo
and establishes her in a. family hotel
far enough away from mine and Andy's
quarters to be unsuspicious and avail
able, and I tell Andy.
" 'Great,' says Andy. 'And now that
your conscience is appeased as to the
tangibility and proximity of the bait,
leaving mutton aside, suppose wa
revenoo a noo fish.'
"So we began to insert our adver
tisement it newspapers covering the
country far and wide. One ad was all
we used. We couldn't have used more
without hiring so many clerks and
marcelled paraphernalia that the sound
of the gumchewing would have dis
turbed the Postmaster-General.
"We placed $2000 in a bank to Mrs.
Trotter's credit and gave her the book
to show in case anybody might ques
tion the honesty and good faith of the
agency. I knew Mrs." Trotter was
square and reliable and it was safe to
leave it in her name. -
"With that one ad Andy and me put
in 12 hours a day answering letters.
"About 100 a day was what came in.
I never knew there was so many large
hearted but Indigent men in the coun
try who were willing to acquire a
charming widow and assume the bur
den of investing her money.
"Most of them admitted that they ran
principally to whiskers and lost jobs
and were misunderstood by the world;
but all of 'em were jure that they,
were so chock full of affection and
manly qualities that the widow would
be making the bargain of her life to
get 'em.
"Every applicant got a re-ply from
Peters & Tucker informing him that
the -widow had been deeply impressed
by his straightforward and Interesting
letter and requesting them to write
again, stating more particulars and" in
closing photograph if convenient. Pe
ters & Tucker also Informed the appli-
kept their secrets and nobody dreamed
any more of trying to prove that Shake
speare was Bacon or the Earl of Essex
than of maintaining that January was
Juhe.
When, however, the first doubts as to
the Identity of the writer of the plays
and sonnets arose, ah astonishing effort
was almost Immediately made to remove
the graven slab lying over him In Holy
Trinity chancel. Just when occurred the
first attempt to open the poet's tomb no
man Is able to say, for there la an old
crack across the slab. This sign remains
unexplained, yet it may indicate that an
assault . on dead Shakespeare had been
made -before that Inspired by the faith
and curiosity of an American woman.
The amazing enterprise and conviction
of the frail lady from New England who
40 years ago crossed the Atlantic for
the purpose of exposing the Swan of
Avon as a common Impostor was the
means of rousing the rector of' Holy
Trinity to the realization that Shakes
peare was not quite as safe as he
thought him.
. Nevertheless Miss Bacon, when she
went to Stratford with a view of brav
ing the curse of the poet's epitaph, dealt
In no underhand methods. She suffered
from the obsession or gift for discovering
ciphers from the plays that has made Ig
natius Donnelly and scores of others fa
mous, but she was among the first to
nourish the conviction that Shakespeare
wrote his epitaph with a view to protect
ing something more than his bones.
By the aid of her ciphers she had ar
rived at the conclusion that in the dra
matist's grave were hidden documents of
a character to . prove direful things
cant that their fee for handing over
the second letter to their fair client
would be $2, inclosed therewith.
"There you see the simple beauty of
the scheme. About 90 per cent of them
against his title and fame, and she frank
ly went to the rector of Holy Trinity and
asked him to permit the tomb to be
opened. It Is to Miss Bacon's credit that
she was aboveboard and most persua
sive. The rector was actually half won
by her fire and faith. He even went so
far as to think seriously over her urgent
plea and -her theories and ciphers, but
he never could bring himself to give her
the permission she asked.
At the ninth hour the spell of the epi
taph, which has overawed so many, fell
upon him and he probably repented his
weakness In even listening to the doughty
little American woman.
It was to no less a person than Na- ,
tnaniei uawtnorne, tnen Jonsul in Eng
land, that Miss Bacon confided the tale
of a secret effort she eventually made to
come by the documents she believed were
In the tomb. One night she actually
spent alone In Holy Trinity Church.
She was a valiant spirit; she always
called Shakespeare the "old player," or
"Lord Leicester's groom." She looked
upon him as a vulgar thief of other
men's fame, and she believed that night
that she had a free hand to deal as she
liked with his grave. However, after a
trying vigil she too fell a victim to the
spell of that doggerel verse graven on
the tomb of that master magician among
poets.
She could not quite bring herself to
defy the curse: she became Indeed almost
terrorised, and so ended a Bcheme for
exhumation all but put Into execution by
one of the most virulent enemies dead
Shakespeare has ever had.
To some superstitious believers in the
JULY 21, 190T.
domestic foreign noblemen raised the
price somehow and sent it in. That
was all there was to It. Except that
me and Andy complained an amount
about being put to the trouble of slic
Stratford poet it is a significant as well
as pathetic fact that Miss Bacon even
tually died in a retreat for the insane.
Her convictions, like John Brown's
body, go marching on, and she is by no
means the last person to. Insist that the
one and only way to settle the contro
versy, raging every year more furiously,
over the authorship of the -plays is to
open the tomb in Holy Trinity Church.
Worse still, she is not alone In having
tried to violate the six feet of earth that
Shakespeare claims.
Of course If you go to Stratford and
listen to the townsfolk, or the police, or
the present rector of Holy Trinity, they
will one and all insist that Shakespeare
Is as safe as Captain Kidd's treasure
and that talk of violations 'of his tomb
is the yellowest kind of Journalism. Nev
ertheless there are to be found sober Eng
lish folk who credit the rumor which
says that in all there have been five at
tempts upon the poet's grave and that
one was frustrated only last Spring.
This latest indignity was perpetrated
about the time when the birthday fes
tival at Stratford was .in full swing.
Somebody then discovered that the ce
ment about the edges of the graven slab
had been carefully chipped away and
that putty had been forced into its place.
From this it was concluded that some
enemy to Shakespeare had but done half
the work of removing the slab, and that
later the vandal would return to scrape
out the substitute for cement and easily,
with a,, crowbar shift the stone. There
upon it was recalled that 25 years ago a
similar trick had been discovered just in
time.
ing open them envelopes and taking !
the money out.
"Some few clients called in person.
We sent 'em to Mrs.' Trotter and she
did the rest, except for three or four
who came back to strike us for carfare.
After the letter began to get in from
the R. F. D. districts Andy and me
were taking In about $200 a day,
"One afternoon when we were busiest
and I was stuffing the twos and ones
into cigar boxes and Andy was whist
ling 'No Wedding B.ells for Her," a
small, slick man drops in and runs his
eye over the walls like he was on the
trail of a lost Galneaborough painting
or two. As soon as I saw him I felt a
glow of pride, because we "were running
our business on the level.
" 'I see you have quite a large mall
today,' says the man.
. "I reached and got my hat.
" 'Come on,' says I. "We've been ex
pecting you. I'll show you the goods.
How was Teddy when you left Wash
ton? . "I took him down to the Kiverview
Hotel and had him sfcake hands with
Mrs. Trotter. Then I showed him her
bank book with the $2000 to her credit.
" 'It seems to be all right,' says the
Secret Servlc'e.
" 'It Is,' says I. 'And if you're not a
married man I'll leave you to talk a
while with the lady. We won't men
tion the two dollars.'
" 'Thanks,' says he. 'If I wasn't I
might. Good day, Mr. Peters."
. "Toward the end of three months we
had taken In something over $6000, and
we saw It was time to quit. We had a
good many complaints made to us; and
Mrs. Trotter seemed to be tired of the
Job. A good many suitors had been
calling to see her, and she didn't seem
to like that.
"So we decides to pull out, and I goes
down to Mrs. Trotter's hotel to pay her
her last week's salary and say farewell
and get her check for the $2000.
"When I got there I found her cry
ing like a kid that don't want to go
to school.
" 'Now, now,' says I, 'what's it all
about? Somebody sassed you or you
getting homesick?'
" 'No, Mr. Peters,' says she. 'I'll tell
you. Tou always was a friend of
Zeke's, and I don't mind. Mr. Peters,
I'm Id love. I Just love a man so hard
I can't bear not to get him. He's Just
the ideal I've always had in mind.'
. " "Then take him," says I. "That is, if
it's a mutual case. Does he return the
sentiment according to the specifica
tions and palnfulness you have de
scribed?' - " .
" 'He does,' says she. 'But he's one
of the gentlemen that's ibeen coming to
see me about the advertisement;, and
he won't marry me unless I give him
Curiosity of Modern Vandals May Become So Great
as to Cause Poet's Ashes to Be Uncovered.
Singularly discreet have been the rec
tors of Holy Trinity. Then as now no
hue and cry was raised. A whisper of
the truth got about at Oxford and so
leaked out, to cause a deal of angry and
uneasy comment, but as it was evident
the marauders had got no- further In
their work than removing the cement
the story of the discovery escaped the
newspapers.
It is said at Oxford though that when
news of the tampering with Shakespeare's
grave got to the ears of Algernon
Charles Swinburne that, sensitive poet
burst ' into a passion of tears. Under
the inspiration of his indignation he
dashed off a sonnet and a corking" good
one it was too, for, when warmed to the
task, Swinburne Is a master hand at ver
bal vltrol. He produced 14 lines of gor
geous rhyming curses calculated to sear
the souls of the, unknown gouls, but he
was prevailed upon not to publish the
production by those discreet persons who
are responsible for Shakespeare's rest.
Recently or since the last signs of In
trusion on England's most sacredspot of
earth was discovered, a step in the right
direction has been taken with a view to
securing to the dead poet immunity from
vandallstic attacks. In other words, a
body of guardians for his tomb has been
organized.
This Is the only secret Shakespearean
socley In existence. The names of Its
members are not generally known, but
King Edward Is said to be honorary presi
dent, and a fund has been raised in order
to keep Holy Trinity and its treasure
under constant police protection.
Two American gentlemen belong, to this
society, but no German is permitted to
the $2000. His name is William Wilkin
son.' And then she goes off again in
the agitations and hysterics of, ro
mance. " 'Mrs, Trotter,' says I, 'there's no
man more sympathizing with a wom
an's affections than I am. Besides, you
was once the life partner of one of my
best friends. If it was left to me I'd
say take this $2000 and the man of your
choice and be happy.
" 'We could afford to do that, because
we -have cleaned up over $5000 from
these suckers that wanted to marry
you. But," says I, 'Andy Tucker Is to
be consulted.
" 'He is a good man, tout keen in- busi
ness. He is my equal partner finan
cially. I will talk to Andy,' says I,
'and see what can be done.'
"I goes back to our hotel and lays
the case before Andy.
" 'I was expecting something like
this all the time," says Andy. 'Tou can't
trust a woman to stick by you in any
scheme that involves her emotions and
preferences."
" 'It's a sad thing, Andy,' says I, 'to
think that we've been the cause of the
breaking of a woman's heart.'
" 'It Is,' says Andy, 'and I tell you
what I'm willing to do, Jeff . You've al
ways been a man of soft and generous
heart and disposition. Perhaps I've
been too hard and worldly and suspi
cious. For once I'll meet you halfway.
Go to Mrs. Trotter and tell her to draw
the $2000 from the bank; and give it to
this man she's infatuated with and be
happy."
"I Jumps up and shakes Andy's hand
for five minutes, and then I goes back
to Mrs. Trotter and tells her, and she
cries as hard for joy as she did for
sorrow. ,
"Two days afterward me and Andy
packed up to go.
" 'Wouldn't you like to go down and
meet Mrs. Trotter once before we
leave?" I asks him. 'She'd like might
ily to know you and express her en
comiums and gratitude."
" 'Why, I guess not," says Andy. I
guess we'd better hurry and catch that
train.' ' 4
"I was strapping our capital around
me In a money belt like we always car
ried it, when Andy pulls a roll of large
bills out of his pocket and asks me to
put 'em with the rest.
" 'What's this?" says I.
" 'It's Mrs. Trotter's two thousand,'
says Andy.
"'How do you come to havs It?' I
asks.
" 'She gave it to me,' says Andy.
I've- been calling on her three evenings
a week for more than a month."
" "Then you are William Wilkinson?
says I. -
" T was." says Andy."
Join it. for on several occasions the Ger
man critics, who read any and every kind
of mad meaning into the plays, have in
sisted that It Is proper and even neces
sary to have the 'grave of Shakespeare
opened.
Once upon a time a bland spectacled
Herr Professor from a German university,
with a ponderous tome under his arm,
waited upon a rector of Holy Trinity with
a round robin, signed by his fellow-professors,
to demand certain documents
known, he said, to be under the stone in
the chancel. The rector was interested,
courteous, but firm in refusing his per
mission. He has learned how to deal with
the vaporings of the cranks who visit
Stratford in numbers every year.
Wliat Mary Said.
Putnam's Magazine.
Judge Brewer cites a striking example
of the sort of spoke which the trickster
can insert In the wheels of justice.
A witness testified in a certain case
that a person named Mary was present
when a particular conversation took
place, and the question was asked:
"What did Mary say?" This was ob
jected to, and after some discussion the
judge ruled out the question. An excep
tion to this decision was Immediately,
taken, and on appeal ' the. higher court
reversed the verdict and ordered a new
trial on the ground that the question
should have been answered.
At the second trial the same inquiry
was propounded and elicited the informa
tion that Mary said nothing.