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THE SUNDAY OREGONIAN, PORTLAND. MARCH 3, 1907.
..'(Copyright, 1907, 1907, by II.. H.
McClure & Co.)
' HIS here pa-aper says,
said Mr. Hennessy, "that
ithey're goin' to put a tax
on bachelors. That's r-right.
Why shoudn't there be a tax on
'bachelors? There's one on dogs."
"That's right." said Mr. Doo
ley. "An' they're goin' to make it
i five dollars a year. Th' dogs pay
oaly two. It's quite a concession
t us. They consider us more thin
twice as vallyable, or . annyhow
more than twice as dangerous as
dogs. I suppose ye expect next
year to see me throttin' around
with a leather collar an' a brass
tag on me neck. If me tax isn't
paid'th' bachelor wagon '11 will
come around an' th' bachelor
catcher '11 lassoo me an' take me to
th' pound an' I'll be kept there
Ithree days an' thin, if still un
claimed, I'll be dhrowned onless
th' pound keeper takes a fancy to
me.
"Ye '11 niver see it, me boy. No,
ir. Us bachelors ar-re a sthrong
body iv men polytickally, as well
as handsome and brave. If ye thry
to tax us we'll tight ye to th' end.
If worst comes to worst we won't
pay th' tax. Don't ye think f'r
a minyit that light-footed heroes
that have been eludin' onprinci
pled females all their lives won't
be able to dodge a'little thing libe
a five dollar tax. . There's .no
j clumsy collector in th' wurruld
that cud catch up with a man iv
me age who has avoided the ma
chinations iv th' fair f'r forty
years an' remains unmarried.
"An' why shud we be taxed?
We're th' mainstay iv th' Consti
tution an' about all that remains
iv liberty. If ye think th' highest
jooty iv citizenship is to raise a
'fam'ly why don't ye give a vote
to th' shad? Who puts out ye'er
fire f'r ye, who supports th' Nay
Itional Governmint be payin' most
iiv th' intarnal rivnoo jooties, who
maintains th' schools ye sind ye'er
ignorant little childher to, be pay
in' th' saloon licenses, who does
'th' fightin' f'r ye in th' wars but
th' bachelors? Th' married men
start all th' wars with loose talk
whin they're on a spree. But whin
,war is declared they begin to
'think what a tur-rble thing 'twuld
be if they niver come home to
their fireside an' their wife got
'married again an' their' grand
childher an' their great-grand-
TH' MARRIED MEN START AXX, TH
THEY'RE ON
childher an' their widow an' th'
man that marrid her an' his di
voorced wife an' their rilitives,
descindents, friends, an' acquaint
ances wud have nuthin to
live on afther father was dead
and gone with a large piece
iv broken ' iron in his stom
ach or bask as th' case might
be, but a pension come fr'm th'
Governmint. So, th' day war is
declared ye come over here an'
stick a shtrange-lookin ' weepin
in me hand an' I close down me
shop an' go out somewhere I niv
er was befure an' maybe lose me
leg defindin' th' hearths iv me
counthry, me that niver had a
hearth iv me own to warm me toes
by but th' oil stove in me bed
room. An' that's th' kind iv men
ye'd be wantin to tax like a push
"TH1 TRUTH IS THAT A M.VS IS NOT I N HAPPY BECAUSE HIS SOCKS
. ARN-T DARXED BUT BECAUSE THEY AB-RE."
cart or a cow. Onscrupulous vil
lain.! "Whin ye tax th' bachelors ye
tax valor. Whiu ye tax th' bach
elors ye tax beauty. Ye've got to
admit that we're a much finer
lookin' lot iv fellows thin th' mar
rid men. That's why we're bach
elors. 'Tis with us as with th' la
dies. A lady with an erratic face
is sure to be married befure a
WARS WITH LOOSE TALK WHIN
A SPREE." '
Dhream iv Beauty. She starts to
wurruk right away an' what Ho
gan calls th' doctrine iv av 'rages
is always with thim that starts
early an' makes manny plays. But
th' Dhream iv Beauty figures out
that she can- wait an' take' her
pick an' 'tis not ontil she is bump
in' thirty that she wakes up with
a scream to th' peril iv her posi-
ion an' runs out an' pulls a man
"WHIN YE TAX TH' BACHELORS YE TAX
down f 'rm th' top iv a bus. Man
ny a plain but determined young
woman have I seen happily mar
rid an' doin' th' cookin' f'r a
large fam'ly whin her frind
who'd hadher pitcher in th' con
test f'r th' most beautiful woman
in Brighton Park was settin' be
hind th' blinds waitin' f'r some
wan to take her buggy ridin'.
"So it is with us. A man with
a face that looks as if some wan
had thrown it at him in anger
nealy always marries befure he is
old enough to vote. He feels he
has to an' he cultivates what Ho
gan calls th' graces. How often
do ye hear about a fellow that he
is very plain but has a beautiful
nature. Ye bet he has. If he
haadn't an' didn't always keep it
in th' showcase where all th'
wurruld cud see he'd be lynched
be th' Socieety f'r Municipal Im
provement. But 'tis diff 'rent with
us comeley bachelors. Bein' very
beautiful, we can afford to be
haughty an' peevish. It makes us
more inthrestin' We kind iv look
thim over with a gentle but su
peeryor eye an' say to oursilves:
'Now, there's a nice, pretty, at
tractive girl. I hope she'll mar
ry well.' An' whin she marries
wan iv our frindswe say: 'Ain't
it too bad that such a fine girl
s!hud throw hersilf away on a prac
tical joke iv Nature like that.' By
an' by whin th' roses fade fr'm
our cheeks an' our eye is dimmed
with age we bow to th' inivitable,
run down th' flag iv defiance, an'
ar-re yanked into th' multichood
iv happy an' speechless marrid
men that look like flashlight
pitchers. Th best lookin' iv us
niver git marrid at all.
"Yes, sir, there's no doubt we
do a good deal to beautify th'
landscape. Whose pitchers ar-re
those ye see in th' advertisemints
iv th' tailor-man J There's not a
marrid man among thim; They're
all bacheelors. What does th' gents
furnishing man hang his finest
neckties in th' front window f 'r
but to glisten with a livelier wish,
as Ilogan says, th' burnished
bachelor? See th' lordly bachelor
comin' down th sthreet, with his
shiny plug hat an' his white vest,
th' dimon stud that he wint in
BEAUTY.'
debt f'r glistenin' in his shirt
front, an' th' patent leather shoes
on his feet outshinin' th' noonday
sun.
"Thin see th' marrid man with
th' wrinkles in his coat an' his tie
undher his ear an' his chin un
shaven.. He's walkin' in his Con
gress gaiters in a way that shows
his socks ar-re mostly darned. I
niver wore a pair of darned socks
since I was a boy. Whin I make
holes in me hosiery I throw thim
away. 'Tis a fine idee iv' th ladies
that men are onhappy because
they have no wan to darn their
socks an' put buttons on their
shirts. Th' truth is that a man is
not unhappy because his ; socks
ar-re not darned but because they,
ar-re. An' f'r buttons on his shirt,
whin th' buttons comes off a bach
elor's shirt he fires it out iv th'
window. His rule about clothes is
thruly scientific. Th' survival iv
th' fit, d'ye mind. Th' others to
th' discard. No marrid man dares
to wear th' plumage iv a bachelor.
If he did his wife wud suspict him.
He lets her buy his cravats an' his
cigars an' 'tis little diff'rence it
makes to him which he smokes.
t " Twud be villanous to tax th'
bachelors. Think iv th' moral side
iv it. What's that? Ye neeedn't
grin. I said moral. Yes, sir.
We're th' most unselfish people in
th' wurruld. All th' throubles iv
th' neighborhood ar-re my throu
bles, an' my. throubles ar-re me
own. If ye shed a tear f 'r anny
person but wan ye lose ye'er latch
kay, but havin' no wan in partik
lar to sympathize with I'm sup
posed to sympathize with ivry
wan. On th' counthry if ye have
anny griefs ye can' bear ye dump
thim on th' overburdened shoul
ders iv ye'er wife. But if I have
anny griefs I must bear thim
alone. If a bachelor complains iv
his throubles people say: 'Oh, he's
a gay dog. Sarves his right.' An'
if he goes. on complainin' he's lia
ble to be in gr-reat peril. s I
wiidden't dare to tell me woes to
ye'er wife. If I did she'd have a
good cry,' because she injyes cry
in', an' thin she'd put on her bon
net an' r-run over an'' sick th'
Widow O'Brien on me.
"Whin a lady begins to won
dher . if I'm not onhappy in me
squalid "home without th' touch iv
a woman 's hand ayether in th tidy
on th' chair or in th' inside pocket
iv th' coat I say: 'No, ma'am,' I
live in gr-reat luxury surrounded
be all that money can buy an'
manny things that it can't or
won't. There ar-re Turkish, rugs
on th' fhire an' chandyleers hang
fr'm th' ceilin's. There I set at
night dhrinkin' absinthe, sherry
wine, port wine, champagne,'
beer, wrhisky, rum, claret, kim
mel, weiss beer, cream de
mint, curaso." and binidic
tine, oecas'nally takin' a dhraw
at an opeeum pipe an' r-readin' a
Fr-rinch novel. Th' touch iv a
woman's hand wudden't help this
here abode iv luxury. Wanst, whin
I was away, th' beautiful Swede
slave that scrubs put me pjaceiv
business broke into th' plachal
boodoor an' in thryin' to set
straight th' ile paintin' iv th' Chi
cago fire burnin' Ilivator B, broke
a piece off a frame that cost me
two dollars iv good money.' If
they knew that th' on'y furniture
in me room was a cane-bottomed
chair and a thrunk an' hat there
was nawthin' on th' flute but oil
cloth an' me clothes, an' that 'tis
so long since me bed was made up
that it's now a life-size plaster
cast iv me, I'd be dhragged to th'
altar at th' end iv a chain.
"Speakin' as wan iv th' few
survivin' bachelors, an old veth
ran that's escaped manny a peril
an' got out iv manny a difficult
position with honor, I wish to say
that fair woman is niver so dan
gerous as whin she's sorry f'r ye.
Whin th' wurruds 'Poor man'
rises to her lips an ' th' nurse light
comes into-her eyes, I know 'tis
time f'r me to tale me hat an' go.
An' if th' hat's no handy I go
without it.
"I bet ye th' idee' iv taxin'
bachelors started with th' dear la
dies. But I say to thim: 'Ladies,
is not this a petty revenge on ye'er
best f rinds? Look on ye'er own
husbands an' think what us bach
elors have saved manny iv ye'er
sisters fr'm. Besides aren't wee
th' hope iv th' future iv th' insti-
BY IMPURITIES IN THElBLOOD
An'old sore or ulcer is only a symptom, an outlet for the impurities and poisons
which are circulating in the blood, and as long as this vital fluid remains in this impure
and contaminated state the place will never heal. It may scab over and appear to be
getting well, but a fresh outpouring of diseased matter from the blood starts it again, and
thus it goes on, sometimes for years, continually growing worse, and slowly sapping
away the strength and vitality of the sufferer.
There are many ways by which the blood may become contaminated and poisoned.
A long spell of fever, or other sickness, breeds disease germs in the system, the failure of
nature's eliminative members to remove the waste and refuse matter of the body, the exces
sive use of minerals in certain diseases, all infect the blood with morbid matter and germs,
which sooner or later manifest their presence by a sore or ulcer which refuses to heal
under the ordinary treatment of salves,
wasrips. Winn nnwWs orr AM Mict-t- A BAD SORE Olf HIS FACE.
pimple, burn or even a slight scratch, often
develops into a festering or discharging
ulcer if the system is run down or the blood
depreciated from any cause.
Persons with an inherited blood taint
are very apt to be afflicted with sores and
ulcers. Being born with an unhealthy blood
supply, the different parts of the body are
never fully nourished,- and when middle life is reached or passed and the vigor and strength
of the system begins to weaken and wane, the tissues in sonle weak point break down and
a chronic sore or ulcer is formed, and kept open by the constant drainage of impure matter
from the blood. How aggravating and stubborn an old sore can be is best known by those
who have nursed and treated one for years, applying salves, washes, powders, etc., with no
good results. The place remains and continues to grow worse by eating deeper into the
surrounding flesh, festering, discharging, sometimes throbbing with pain, and gradually
undermining the constitution by its unhealthy action on the system.
It is a great mistake to expect to cure these places with external applications. True
this treatment assists in keeping the parts clean, and are beneficial in this way, but do not
reach the real trouble which is in the blood. The practice of cutting out the diseased parts'
and even scraping the bone beneath, is often resorted to, but these severe measures seldom
PURELY VEGETABLE
circulation, drives out all poison and morbid matter, reduces the inflammation, and by
sending pure, rich blood to the diseased parts, instead of feeding them with impurities,
allows the sore to heal naturally and permanently. Not only does S. S. S. purify the blood
of all poisons and germs, but builds it up from its weakened and impoverished state, making
it strong and healthy and able to supply every part of the body with sufficient and proper
nourishment to keep it in perfect health. If vou have a sore that is slow in healing, do not
depend upon external applications alone, nor experiment with unknown medicines, but begin
the use of S. S. S., ?nd by removing every vestige of the cause, cure the trouble perma
nently. Special book on Sores and Ulcers and any medical advice desired sent free to'all
whowtftS, THE SWirr SPtCinC C.0KfAHr ATLANTA, OA.
If WW I !!..( I' WflllflPJj-i'illlllflif!.
ill In Nilllii'lill,!!!,;...! ' win i ...
"BUT YE AIN'T GOIN"' TO LAVE ME
choochion iv mathrimony? If th'
onmarrid ladies ar-re to marry at
all, 'tis us, th' bold bachelors, they
must look forward to. Lave us
our money. We're not bachelors
fr'm choice. Ye all look so lovely
to us that we hate to bring th'
tears into th' eye? iv others iv ye
be marryin' sonie iv ye. Considher
our onforchnit ' position an be
kind. Don't oppress us. We were
not meant f'r slaves. Don't thry to
coerce us. Continue to lay f'r us
an' hope on. If ye tax us there's
hardly an old bachelor in th' land
that won't fling his five dollars
acrost th' counter at th' tax office
an' say: 'Hang th' expense. It's
worth it.' "
"Ye 're surely a fine' lot iv
men," said Mr. Hennessy. "Grand
men like ye oughtn't to have to
pay taxes. Good-night."
"Where ar-re ye goin'?" asked
Mr. Dooley.
do any permanent good. The sore may be re
moved, and for a time 'heal over, but the same
poison that produced it the first time is still in the
blood, because The Blood Cannot Bo Cut Away,
and The Soro Will Return.
The only treatment that can do any real
good is a competent blood purifier one that goes
to the very bottom of the trouble and removes the
cause, and for this purpose nothing has ever been
found to equal S. S. S. It goes down into the
HERE ALONE ARE TE. mNNTSSTT"
"I'm going home'
"Where?"
"Home."
"Why, it's arly yet. Ye 're not
goin' home at this hour? Why, 'tis
just th' front dure iy th' aven-.
in'."
"I've got to go.
"Ye'd betther stay awhile. It's
lonely here alone."
"I mustn't. I want to see th'
childher befure they go to bed."
"Bu ye ain't goin' to lave me
nere aioner
"I wisht I didn't have-to, but I
got to."
"Oh, be a good fellow. Here',
what '11 ye have. It's on th'
house."
"No, I'm goin'. I lave ye here
to" .
"To what?" demanded. Mr,
Dooley.. ,
"To pay th' rale bachelor tax,"
said Mr. Hennessy.
FED AND
KEPT OPEN
I was afflicted with a sore on my faoa of four years
standing. It was a small pimple at first but it grad
ually grew larger and worse In every way until I
became alarmed about it and consulted several physl
oians. They all treated me but the sore oontinued to
grow worse. I saw S. S. S. advertised and commenced
its use and after taking it awhile I was completely
oured. My blood is now pure and healthy from the
effect of S. S. S., and there has not been any sign cf the
sore since B. S. S. oured it.
West Union, Ohio. THOS. OWEN.